Why can fathers tell it like it is when mothers can’t?
I miss my anonymous blog. It used to be this fun space where
I could vent about the challenges (and occasional joys) of raising four kids as
a single mother, juggling(and sometimes dropping) work, school, and mommy balls.
When I complained to a friend that I could no longer write whatever I wanted,
he suggested I start another anonymous blog and call it (tongue in cheek) “The
Conformist Football Dad.”
But I realized something yesterday, when I read Steve Wein’s funny and honest take on parenting small children. If I started a daddy blog, I
would not need to keep it anonymous. Because Dads get carte blanche to say
pretty much whatever is on their minds. Things like, “You are not a terrible parent if the sound
of their voices sometimes makes you want to drink and never stop.” Or “You
are not a terrible parent if you'd rather be at work” (There are lots of times
I would rather be at work. And look where admitting that got Sheryl Sandberg!).
Instead of the blogosphere ripping Dads up for writing books like Go the Fuck to Sleep,
everyone smiles and nods and says, “Isn’t that cute?” (well, a few people were
offended, but they probably weren’t parents).
Confession: I wish I had written that book (and I thought of
it, while inserting my own occasionally colorful commentary into Goodnight Moon during the roughly 4,745 times
I read it in desperation to my own sleep-challenged progeny).
I also wish that I had written Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
I’m not a big Jane Austen fan—I recommend her work to anyone who has difficulty
falling asleep at night. The only one of her books that I ever managed to
finish was Mansfield Park, and that’s just because it was the only English language paperback in the bookcase of the
Sorrento pensione where I finished out my junior year spring term study abroad.
As one of my philosophy professors once said (in jesting reference to the
Mormon prophet David O. McKay), “No excess can compensate for failure to go to
Rome.”
What McKay actually said was this: “No success can
compensate for failure in the home.” No pressure there! And for Mormon mothers,
the church’s position on gender roles is clear: “Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their
children.”
Yup. And 40 percent of mothers (myself included) are also solely or primarily responsible for putting food on the table. Which is why it's weird that we keep attacking each other.
I finally got around to reading some of the criticism that
followed my December 14, 2012 blog post telling
my family’s story about having a child with mental illness. Sarah Kendzior, for example, had
a field day mining four years of pretty standard (and anonymous) mommy blog
material to create a picture of me as a narcissistic monster who wanted to strangle
her kids all the time (Not true. Only when I venture upstairs into the oozing mold
pit that is my teenage sons’ bathroom).
But it was one of my favorite slate.com writers, End of Men author Hanna
Rosin, who really put the mommy boxing gloves on. In her essay, “Don’t Compare your Son to Adam Lanza,” she suggested, among other things, that I was the one who really had mental
problems (I think Ms. Rosin is just envious of my mad writing skillz).
For the record, I did not compare my son to Adam Lanza. I
compared myself to his mother. My point was, and still is, that we as parents
of children with mental illness and mental disorders need to speak up.
And it seems like it’s okay to talk about your child with
mental illness, or even your own struggles—as long as you are the father and
not the mother. David Sheff’s brave
and eloquent book about his son’s addiction, for example, or Pete Earley’s
Crazy. But if you write Drunk Mom watch out!
I’ve gotten more than a few queries from reporters who want
to “expose the truth” about what I wrote. They couch their requests for
interviews in vaguely threatening terms about “fact-checking” and “privacy.” All
of them, interestingly enough, are women.
Hey, girlfriends! Privacy is just another word for stigma.
To be honest, I’m grateful for the backlash. It helped me to
clarify my own position and realize the importance of advocacy. That my first attempt
to tell my painful truth happened to go viral was something beyond my control.
But it has provided me opportunities to meet people, to share stories, and to
campaign for change.
So don’t look for the Conformist Football Dad. I’m the
Anarchist Soccer Mom, and I’ll keep talking—and acting—to help my son. You can
speak up too. And if the other mommies start to beat you up, come out swinging.
None of us—dads or moms—are perfect parents. But we all want the same thing:
happy, healthy, productive children. Let’s help each other get there.
