The Power of One

How a Single Juror Made All the Difference to Families of Children who Have Serious Mental Illness

Like many Americans, I held my breath on Friday, August 7 at 5:00 p.m. as I waited for the verdict to be read in the James Holmes case. No one questions that Holmes shot up a movie theater in 2012, killing 9 innocent victims and injuring 70 others. And few question that Holmes met Colorado’s legal definition of sanity when he committed this violent act. Similarly, few question that Holmes suffered from schizophrenia, an incurable mental illness with sometimes violent behavioral symptoms.

The only question in that moment for parents of children who have serious mental illness, parents like me, was this: would Holmes be sentenced to death for behavioral symptoms of a brain disease?

One juror found that outcome to be unacceptable. One juror saved James Holmes’s life.

And while the Internet swirled with hateful comments, mothers across America breathed a collective sigh of relief. Three of these mother wrote letters to the lone juror and shared them with me.

Leisl Stouffer of Bold Faith Ministries has watched her son’s dramatic improvement with residential treatment, something few parents can access. She wrote this to the lone juror who had the moral courage to save James Holmes’s life:

I will never forget the morning I woke up to “Breaking News.”  A movie theater. A gunman.  

Carnage. Death. Slowly the details emerged as we all sat in shock over the latest mass shooting. And then the media showed us his face. James Holmes. The cold blooded killer with the bright orange hair.   

But I saw more than his hair.  I saw the look on his face. I saw his eyes, and I was rocked to the core. 

That empty, faraway look.  Glazed over. No emotion. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. This man’s eyes revealed a look into his mind.  An abyss of darkness.  A chasm of illness. 

Mental Illness. 

I had seen that same look in my own home.

Laura Pogliano’s story was profiled in a USA Today series on caring for children with mental illness  in November 2014. Then, she called herself a “fortunate mother” because despite the enormous financial costs of obtaining care, she had been able to get treatment for her son Zac. Just a few months later, Zac died at the age of 23 of heart failure. Laura wrote this to the lone juror:

When the final sentencing verdict was read, I cried. Instead of the death penalty, Holmes was given life without the possibility of parole.  A juror spokesman related afterward that a single juror refused the death penalty as an option.  One out of seventeen. This lone juror’s refusal to put Holmes to death is probably the only reason Holmes was spared. 

My son was seriously mentally ill with paranoid schizophrenia for seven years before he died at age 23 of heart failure. If I could say anything to the Lone Juror, here’s what I would tell him or her: 

Thank you for sparing James Holmes’s life. By refusing to agree to the death penalty, you reminded us all of some important things we used to know as a nation but seem to have completely forgotten in the last 40 years.We have forgotten that treatment matters more than any single thing in a desperately ill person’s life. We evolved into a culture where it’s okay to ask for help with any disease except mental illness. With every mass shooting that we trace to untreated mental illness, with neighbors and friends all saying they saw a need for help, we grow more and more callous to the idea of treatment. 

The national chorus after a tragedy is, “why didn’t he get treatment?” By refusing to put James Holmes to death, you reminded us that he could have been saved by treatment. And you’ve shone a light on the very real deficits this country faces with our broken mental health system and very real barriers to care. Thank you for shining this light.

Diana Mandrell’s daughter also has a serious mental illness. Her family has struggled for 15 years, trying without success to find effective treatment for her daughter’s psychosis. Her daughter is currently on probation for misdemeanor assault. The family has been told their daughter must commit another crime before she can be committed to a hospital and get treatment.

I am the mother of a child who has serious mental illness, and I wanted to thank you for allowing James Holmes’ parents to keep their son alive. I know the pressure must have been very hard on you to vote for the death penalty, and I want you to know that I think you made the right decision. I know that what James Holmes did because of his disease was horrible, and my heart goes out to the victims and their families, but I also know that James and his family are also victims. They are victims of a mental health care system that is not only broken, but shattered. I know from experience that it is almost impossible to get treatment for patients with mental illness who cannot recognize their own illness. In this case, the fact that James did know and tried so desperately to get help shows that the system is even more broken than one might think. 

These parents’ stories are not uncommon, yet in the wake of Holmes’s sentence, many people attacked the brave juror.  People also continued to blame James Holmes’s parents. As parents of children who have serious mental illness, we are distressed that two-thirds of the jury apparently thought death was an appropriate sentence for a young man who had schizophrenia and acted out his awful delusions. We are profoundly grateful to the lone juror who stood up for what she believed in—that death is not an appropriate punishment for someone who has a brain disease. And we have hope that Congress will take action and pass HR2646, Representative Tim Murphy's much-needed mental healthcare reform legislation, before the next Aurora. Or Chattanooga. Or Lafayette. 

But mostly, we hope for meaningful change before another one of our precious children becomes homeless, or is jailed, or dies by suicide because of an untreated brain disease. These are the private, everyday tragedies of mental illness, tragically overshadowed by the rare and awful mass shootings that raise awareness but also contribute to fear and discrimination. We can each be the lone juror, speaking up for help and hope for the most vulnerable within our communities.

The mothers' full letters are reprinted here, with the authors’ permission:

To The Juror Who Spared James Holmes’ Life:

Thank You. Thank you for your willingness to sit on a jury in such an emotionally charged and high profile case.  Thank you for taking time away from your family and your life to serve justice. But most importantly thank you for standing firm in your convictions to spare James Holmes’ life.

In a case as horrific as this, it would be easy to say that the only true justice is death.  It appeared to be cold blooded murder. Lives were lost.  Lives were destroyed.  Dozens of families will never be the same.  The aftermath is unthinkable.  

Our human response is to call for vengeance.  

A life for a life equals justice.

But from where I’m sitting, I see things differently. 

I will never forget the morning I woke up to “Breaking News.”  A movie theater. A gunman. Carnage. Death. Slowly the details emerged as we all sat in shock over the latest mass shooting.

And then the media showed us his face. James Holmes. The cold blooded killer with the bright orange hair.  

But I saw more than his hair.  

I saw the look on his face.

I saw his eyes and I was rocked to the core.

That empty, faraway look.  Glazed over. No emotion. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. This man’s eyes revealed a look into his mind.  An abyss of darkness.  A chasm of illness.

Mental Illness.

I had seen that same look in my own home before.

I am the mother of a 17-year-old son who suffers from severe mental illness.  We have been battling this horrific and devastating disease for almost his entire life.  He is currently living in a residential treatment center where he is doing well and regaining his health, his dignity, and his life.  He used to have that faraway look in his eyes.  We had lost our son to the illness. 
But now, with treatment, he has life in his eyes.  He laughs.  He smiles.  There’s a twinkle. 

There is hope.

When I saw the image of James Holmes flash across my television screen, I did not see a cold blooded killer.  I saw a young man just like my son.  A young man who was unimaginably sick. 

I certainly do not condone his acts or the horrific crimes that were committed, but I saw James Holmes as a victim in this too.  He is a victim of a terrifying and gravely misunderstood illness.  He is a victim of our nation’s failed mental health care system.  This system refuses to provide treatment until the person is deemed an “imminent danger to self or others.”  By that point, it’s too late.  

I don’t know why you decided to spare James Holmes’ life but I am thankful you did.  The few articles and news stories I have seen report that the issue of mental illness played a significant part in your decision.  If that is indeed the case, thank you.  From the bottom of this mother’s heart, thank you.

We will never get back the lives that were lost, and for the victims and their families, life will never be the same.  But because of you, another life was saved. 

My heart goes out to everyone involved in this devastating tragedy.  If we want real justice, then let’s start by fixing our mental health care system.  That will bring real change.

Love and blessings to you, the Juror who spared James Holmes’ Life.  I am grateful. 

Leisl Stoufer

***
Dear Juror:

Like many parents of a child with mental illness, I waited with suspended breath for the verdict in the James Holmes murder trial. Holmes was found guilty of murder on all counts. He was not found “not guilty by reason of insanity,” but guilty, legally sane, meaning Holmes qualified for the death penalty in Colorado. The jury did not find enough mitigating circumstances, even though he has schizophrenia, to outweigh the evidence that he was legally sane at the time of the shooting.  This wasn’t good news for Holmes. The final phase of sentencing would include victim testimony, and then the jury would retire again for this final phase, to decide if Holmes deserved the death penalty.

When the final sentencing verdict was read, I cried. Instead of the death penalty, Holmes was given life without the possibility of parole.  A juror spokesman related afterward that a single juror refused the death penalty as an option.  One out of seventeen. This lone juror’s refusal to put Holmes to death is probably the only reason Holmes was spared.

My son was seriously mentally ill with paranoid schizophrenia for seven years before he died at age 23 of heart failure. If I could say anything to the Lone Juror, here’s what I would tell him or her:

Thank you for sparing James Holmes’s life. By refusing to agree to the death penalty, you reminded us all of some important things we used to know as a nation but seem to have completely forgotten in the last 40 years.
With over one million seriously mentally ill men and women in our prisons, we forgot that being mentally ill isn’t a crime. We forgot that mental illness comes with behaviors we don’t like, but which are driven by illness. We forgot that a person’s deeds sometimes aren’t “himself.” We forgot that being mentally ill isn’t a moral issue. Mental illness is just that: illness. We used to know it was illness, treat it as illness, “believe in it” as illness. Mental illness is real. Untreated mental illness can be debilitating, progressive, ruinous. Thank you for reminding us of this.

You reminded us that all people have value, intrinsic value; not just the value we assign them by how much they contribute to the economy. You reminded us that as a nation, we used to think of ourselves as a compassionate, human rights-oriented people. We understood that many people with mental illness could not fend for themselves, support themselves, care for themselves. We understood that while we couldn’t cure it, we could provide benevolent, long term solutions, like custodial care for those most affected. We used to know that people who were sick deserved treatment and weren’t social outcasts for asking for it. We used to know that even chronically sick people, now our homeless population, have value. Thank you for reminding us that all people have value.

We have forgotten that treatment matters more than any single thing in a desperately ill person’s life. We evolved into a culture where it’s okay to ask for help with any disease except mental illness. With every mass shooting that we trace to untreated mental illness, with neighbors and friends all saying they saw a need for help, we grow more and more callous to the idea of treatment. The national chorus after a tragedy is, “why didn’t he get treatment?” By refusing to put James Holmes to death, you reminded us that he could have been saved by treatment. And you’ve shone a light on the very real deficits this country faces with our broken mental health system and very real barriers to care. Thank you for shining this light.

What you reminded us of as a nation by refusing to send James Holmes to his death is that our justice system, often described as broken and corrupt, works once in a while. You reminded us that Justice should be tempered with Mercy, that our best legal precepts still work: Innocent until proven guilty, mitigating circumstances, punishments that fit the crimes.  We used to know that justice was separate from revenge. This is an important lesson.

Finally, we have forgotten that one person can make a difference. One person’s vote can alter nearly impossible circumstances; it can defy the odds and create change. One person’s refusal to do something that is against his moral judgment can matter more than 16 other people’s wrong opinions, or ten thousand’s. You showed us that in our best incarnation of ourselves as Americans, we used to believe this: One person can make a difference.  One vote can make a difference. Thank you for reminding us of this truth.

From the mother of a beautiful son who was stricken with paranoid schizophrenia, the same disease that James Holmes has, thank you. I know you would have done the same thing for my son.

Laura Pogliano

***
Dear Juror:

I am the mother of a child who has serious mental illness, and I wanted to thank you for allowing James Holmes’ parents to keep their son alive. I know the pressure must have been very hard on you to vote for the death penalty, and I want you to know that I think you made the right decision. I know that what James Holmes did because of his disease was horrible, and my heart goes out to the victims and their families, but I also know that James and his family are also victims. They are victims of a mental health care system that is not only broken, but shattered. I know from experience that it is almost impossible to get treatment for patients with mental illness who cannot recognize their own illness. In this case, the fact that James did know and tried so desperately to get help shows that the system is even more broken than one might think. 

I stand with his parents and the parents of all people who have mental illness in the United States. We are trying desperately to help others understand the need for treatment before these tragedies happen. I am grateful to you for allowing James Holmes’s parents to escape the horror of knowing their son would be put to death because of his illness. I honestly believe with all my heart that this tragedy could have been prevented if someone would have listened and helped him to get the treatment that he so desperately needed. I am forever grateful to you for standing your ground and voting your conscience, for whatever reason, and for allowing his parents to keep their son alive. You made the right decision. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.

Diana L. Mandrell

To the Parents of James Holmes

The World May Blame Your Son, but We Know the Truth, and We Support You

10 million children will grow up to be adults who have
serious mental illness like James Holmes. Like our children. 

Twenty doctors agree that James Holmes has schizophrenia, a mental disorder that has been described as “young person’s dementia.”   But the fact of his illness did not prevent Colorado jurors from finding the young man, who opened fire in an Aurora theater in 2012, guilty of 24 counts of murder in the first degree, two counts for each victim.  After the verdict, a girlfriend of one of the victims declared, “This is a huge step forward.” 

The shooting was truly awful, and the grief and even anger of the victims’ families is entirely comprehensible. But the parents of the ten million U.S. children with serious mental illness, children like James Holmes, feel differently. We see the verdict as a huge step backward, a clear message that the stigma and discrimination associated with mental illness is as strong as ever, and that the public’s fear and ignorance of mental illness have not abated since 2012.

Mass shootings are incredibly rare, representing only two percent of all gun violence in the United States. Yet the daily tragedies—incarceration, homelessness, suicide—that disproportionately affect our children who have serious mental illness do not make the headlines.

In December 2012, after another mass shooting involving a young man who likely had serious mental illness, I wrote an essay sharing my own family’s struggles to find mental healthcare for my then 13-year old son. The essay, “I Am Adam Lanza’s Mother,” became a rallying cry for mothers who had tried and failed for years to find treatment that worked for their children.  As a result of my cry for help, my son was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and got treatment that works. Today, he is in a mainstream school earning good grades, hanging out with his friends, and planning for college. With treatment, my son is no more likely to be violent than anyone else.

In the wake of the Newtown tragedy, I was also able to connect with a passionate community of mental health advocates. Eight of these mothers, all powerful advocates in their own right, wrote letters to Robert and Arlene Holmes.  Here is some of what they shared:

Last summer my 12-year-old daughter Morgan was charged with the crime that would be dubbed by the media as the “Slender Man Stabbing.” One moment she and her two best friends were eating donuts at my kitchen table. The next moment, she had been charged with a crime of unimaginable violence, and was torn suddenly and unexpectedly from my home. You have expressed feeling guilt for not knowing your son had mental illness. I know how that feels. I didn't know that my daughter was sick, either.—Angie Geyser

We managed to keep our son out of the criminal justice system until 2012. He does not think he has a mental illness even though he has spent the majority of his adult life in locked psychiatric facilities. Today he sits in jail awaiting a bed in a state hospital. We all believe in treatment before tragedy!—Teresa Pasquini

It wasn’t your beautiful son who hurt all those people.  It was the untreated brain illness that is so misunderstood.  It is my hope that we can educate people to understand that people with schizophrenia are not evil; they are ill. —Kathy Day

More children in this country die by suicide than cancer, diabetes, and every birth defect combined, but somehow, trying to keep our son alive was considered “bad parenting.” We learned that our son’s illness is in his brain, not in his upbringing. We could have so easily been where you are.—Tom and Chrisa Hickey

I hope your son is judged with compassion and given the help and care he needs. I also hope you know that you are not alone in this. We have a community of parents and caregivers of those with serious mental illnesses, and we care and support each other.
—Marcie Bitler Sohara

Our son was an adult now, and his right to have irrational thoughts flying loose in his mind were supported by maladaptive laws written in the 1960s that make one thing crystal clear: after age 18, our boy would have to present as a “danger to self or others” if he was ever going to be returned to a safe residential facility. The deinstitutionalion experiment has cost countless lives; families have lived with personal tragedies of lost loved ones for decades without anyone taking notice. Only when our sick kids explode in the community do people share an opinion. You are not alone. —Jennifer Hoff

Please don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault; it’s not your son’s fault; it’s not your husband’s fault. It’s your son’s brain disease. It’s our broken mental health system. It’s the lack of funding to find a cure and lack of education to each school administrators, family members, judges, law enforcement, and lawmakers. —Marla Durkin-Pope

My hope for you both is that you find comfort and kindness in those of us who, even in a small way, understand and empathize with the experience you now have to go through.  We wish you could have known earlier that there were people much like you, struggling to find answers, comprehend, and keep ourselves afloat. —Jenifer and Jim Walsh


Their letters are reprinted in full with their authors’ permission below.

***

Dear Robert and Arlene,

We want you to know that you are not alone. There is an entire community of parents who understand and support you. We are the mothers of children who have been diagnosed with serious mental illness. Some of our children have committed violent crimes, and some of us simply understand how these tragedies can occur as a result of a brain disease.

Last summer my 12-year-old daughter Morgan was charged with the crime that would be dubbed by the media as the “Slender Man Stabbing.” One moment she and her two best friends were eating donuts at my kitchen table. The next moment, she had been charged with a crime of unimaginable violence, and was torn suddenly and unexpectedly from my home.

You have expressed feeling guilt for not knowing your son had mental illness. I know how that feels. I didn't know that my daughter was sick, either. She was only diagnosed with schizophrenia after being declared incompetent to stand trial and being evaluated at a state psychiatric facility. I feel as though my guilt for not knowing Morgan was sick will forever consume me from the inside out.

Please do not hesitate to reach out to us for support. If you feel uncomfortable doing that, please know we all hold you close to our hearts.

Angie Geyser

***

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Holmes,

I am the proud mom of a 32-year-old adult son who has a 16-year history with serious mental illness. He was diagnosed at the age of 16 with bipolar disorder following his first hospitalization. He has been involuntarily hospitalized over 50 times. His diagnosis has changed to schizoaffective disorder. He suffers from a lack of insight, which is called anosognosia. He does not think he has a mental illness even though he has spent the majority of his adult life in locked psychiatric facilities.

We managed to keep our son out of the criminal justice system until 2012 when he was arrested while on a hospital unit at Napa State Hospital in California and charged with assault. He has been deemed incompetent to stand trial four times. Today he sits in jail awaiting a bed in a state hospital.

In May 2015, I travelled to Washington DC to speak on Capitol Hill about my family’s tragedy. I joined families from across the nation who refuse to be silent and let our families and communities continue to suffer. We all believe in treatment before tragedy!

Your son and your family are in my heart and thoughts. We are with you, and you are not alone.

My best,
Teresa Pasquini

***

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Holmes:

My family member suffers from schizoaffective disorder with constant psychosis. There’s just something about psychotic illnesses that make us all feel alone.  It’s so isolating.  In James’s case, it’s worse because his illness impacted so many others. The system should have provided treatment to him to prevent tragedies that happen too often.

I’m so thankful that my family member has not hurt anyone--yet.  But for the last four months, he’s mostly stayed in his room.  He lives in fear every day because his “spirits” constantly threaten his life.  I can’t leave him alone at times, because his fear of being killed is so great.  I worry that these spirits will cause him to act out and hurt himself or someone else.  I know that my loved one could experience what your son’s illness did to him.

I’m fortunate because he lives with me.  I can keep an eye on him and am aware of changes that could be red flags.  You weren’t in the same town, let alone the same state as James.  There is no way you could have known what his illness was planning.

And that’s just it.  It’s the illness that controlled him.  It wasn’t your beautiful son who hurt all those people.  It was the untreated brain illness that is so misunderstood.

I hope James gets the treatment he needs and deserves.  And I hope you both can have some peace.  You hear some very ignorant statements about your son.  It is my hope that we can educate people to understand that people with schizophrenia are not evil; they are ill. 

I’m sending good thoughts to you and your family.  I hope you know that you are not alone, and there are many of us who would welcome you!

Sincerely,

Kathy Day

***

Dear Robert and Arlene:

People look at me cross-eyed when I say we're lucky my son Tim was diagnosed with schizophrenia as a child. 

He was 11 when we first got the diagnosis, the last in a long line of them, from autism to speech disorders to depression and bipolar disorder. He was in a psychiatric hospital when he was diagnosed, after a suicide attempt that forced us to acknowledge he was sick.  Three years and 11 hospitalizations later, we made the agonizing decision to put Tim into long-term residential treatment because he was so delusional and so violent that we feared for his safety, our safety, and the safety of our other children.

We were alone then. We were accused of filling him with poisonous medication because we didn't feel like creating structure or enforcing rules. Strangers cursed us when he had a meltdown in public. Acquaintances felt justified in beating their breasts and declaring they would never send their children away. More children in this country die by suicide than cancer, diabetes, and every birth defect combined, but somehow, trying to keep our son alive was considered “bad parenting.”

In residential treatment, Tim learned what it was like to live without the voices. And since he was still a child, we were able to ingrain in him the importance of his meds and therapy to keep the voices at bay. We learned that our son’s illness is in his brain, not in his upbringing. He's 21 now.  He can never be left alone for more than an hour, or his anxiety and paranoia kick in.  He takes his meds, and today, they are working.

But I remember watching him being frisked by the sheriff we had to call after he broke every door in the house and threatened to kill us. There's a razor thin line between that day and today. We spend every day staving off a return to that day.  We know we're lucky to have the opportunity to do so. We could have so easily been where you are. 

We will continue to keep you in our prayers. 

Tom and Chrisa Hickey

***
Dear Robert and Arlene,

I have a 26 year old son who has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. He was only 19 when he had a complete break with reality, and we were able to get a diagnosis. I have been luckier than most because he knew something was wrong, and we were able to get help; however, I am fully aware that might not have been the case. I tell you this because I want you to know that the pain and the suffering you and your son are going through are always on my mind.

I know that the seriously mentally ill are operating with a sick brain, and your son’s actions were due to that sickness. I hope your son is judged with compassion and given the help and care he needs. I also hope you know that you are not alone in this. We have a community of parents and caregivers of those with serious mental illnesses, and we care and support each other. I hope you can find us and take some comfort in knowing you are not judged by us.

Sincerely,

Marcie Bitler Sohara

***

Dear Arlene and Robert,

I want to thank you for speaking up in response to the “evil” and “monster” taglines used liberally by the media towards your son James. Thank you for being brave enough to endure people spewing anger and hatred towards you as you attempt to educate our nation on the painful reality that serious mental illness can be fatal if left untreated and how a devastating psychiatric diagnosis like schizophrenia can wreak havoc on an individual’s life, stealing the ability to reason and decide rationally and potentially leading to tragic outcomes.

I cannot imagine how you must feel as parents, going through the courtroom experiences when what your son really needs and deserves is to be in a psychiatric hospital. I understand personally about losing an adult child to an illness that steals his mind and free will, and I know what it is like to watch helplessly as people judge and condemn your child for behaviors resulting from a brain that is too sick to understand the consequences.

My 22-year-old son is mentally ill and spent the majority of his childhood and all of his adolescence in clinical day programs or locked residential facilities “for safety.” Despite the fact that he was disabled, receiving SSI, and was never was never able to manage his life in a safe manner, when he aged into adulthood, he received his shoe laces back and a plane ticket “home “and free reign to manage his life completely without “interference from his parents” (his case manager’s words).

Within months of returning home, he had multiple run-ins with the law, several psychiatric hospitalizations, and he was kicked out of two group homes. We begged our county health department to put him in a hospital. We presented 500 pages of medical records and his doctors’ letters advising he be reinstitutionalized for treatment of his illness. This meant nothing to Orange County. Our son was an adult now, and his right to have irrational thoughts flying loose in his mind were supported by maladaptive laws written in the 1960s that make one thing crystal clear: after age 18, our boy would have to present as a “danger to self or others” if he was ever going to be returned to a safe residential facility. There was nothing his father and I could do but watch helplessly as he was consumed by the revolving door.

He went missing for days at a time, and started smoking pot and drinking often. We were constantly worried, not only of what would happen to him but also about collateral damage that might be inflicted in the community. Less than 36 hours after his last release, he walked into Bank of America with a threat scribbled on a sticky note to blow up the place if the teller didn’t hand over a thousand dollars. He will spend the next 13 years in the California State Prison. He has spent many months in solitary confinement and now has “Crazy Boy” literally tattooed across his young face; despite this, he has been denied his psychiatric medicine because he is not “sick enough.” in other words, we have to wait until his mental state declines even more before he qualifies for his psychiatric meds that he has taken since age 12.

Our jails have become hospitals, but they use pepper spray instead of a syringe. Nearly percent of prison inmates have a serious mental illness. The deinstitutionalion experiment has cost countless lives; families have lived with personal tragedies of lost loved ones for decades without anyone taking notice. Only when our sick kids explode in the community do people share an opinion. You are not alone. I am praying for everyone who has been impacted by our broken mental health system and for treatment for James.

Kindly,

Jennifer Hoff

***

Dear Robert and Arlene,

I have a 30-year old daughter who has been sick since high school. When her problems first started, we took her to psychologist who diagnosed her with “normal teenage defiance.” For ten years, no one knew what was going on in her beautiful sick brain. They call it “presenting well.” In secret, she sees aliens, a FBI informant, the Messiah, and I can go on and on. Finally, after ten years, her illness got so bad that other signs related to schizophrenia became apparent.

It took three misdiagnoses from professionals and education on my part to really grasp what was going on when those external signs started to become apparent. Please don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault; it’s not your son’s fault; it’s not your husband’s fault. It’s your son’s brain disease. It’s our broken mental health system. It’s the lack of funding to find a cure and lack of education to each school administrators, family members, judges, law enforcement, and lawmakers.  

There are many parents like you out there who support you, love you, and will be there in spirit with you every day in that court room! Please come to our groups on Facebook. You have a support system of loved ones whose family members have a brain disease like your son. Become advocates. You have the support to fight for your son’s life, and his life matters!

Hugs!

Marla Durkin-Pope

***

The bravest are the most tender – The loving are the daring. –Bayard Taylor

Dear Robert and Arlene,

Underneath the sullen and distant façade lies the heart of a sweet young man.  Our son longed to be free. 

At the tender age of 13, our son attempted to end his life so that he would no longer be tormented by the voices, commands and “Book” in his head that told him to do things.  Our son struggled with violence at home, epic meltdowns, running away, isolation, threatening suicide constantly, and enormous anxiety and paranoia since age 7.  I read more than I ever thought I could read.  I was mocked by psychologists and condescended to by psychiatrists, until my son’s suicide attempt resulted in a diagnosis of early onset schizophrenia. 

When he had his psychotic break, he spent 42 days in a behavioral health hospital, where he was finally put on the last resort medication.  We are grateful and fortunate that it is working for him and keeping the suicidal ideation and hallucinations away.  We also know the damage that has been done to our family.  Another of my sons has a serious mental illness as well.  We struggle.

My hope for you both is that you find comfort and kindness in those of us who, even in a small way, understand and empathize with the experience you now have to go through.  We wish you could have known earlier that there were people much like you, struggling to find answers, comprehend, and keep ourselves afloat.

Brene Brown shared “Empathy’s the antidote to shame: The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.”

Your family is in our prayers.  Please let yourselves be supported.

With love,

Jenifer and Jim Walsh