Blessed Are the Women

My Mother's Day flowers

The Sermon I Wish I Could Give On Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is not my favorite holiday. While I appreciate the intent behind establishing a day to honor the women who gave us life, for me, as a mother, daughter, sister, and friend, the day itself is an ambiguous one, fraught with empathy for women who want to be mothers but are not, women who have lost mothers, women who are mothers grieving lost children, or women who are raising children in less than ideal circumstances (pretty much every mother at some point in her life). 

On Mother’s Day this year, I went to church with my ten-year old daughter and listened to rambling “talks” from two teenage boys, followed by a returned missionary report and the obligatory gift of a small bag of chocolate-covered cherries. I enjoyed the cherries. But I left wanting a different kind of sermon, one more focused on the day itself. Frankly, in the context of current cultural anti-feminist attacks, Mother’s Day platitudes feel like mere lip service.

Here’s the sermon I, as a woman and a mother, would have given on Mother’s Day:

Mary, the mother of Jesus, gave birth to her firstborn son under less than ideal circumstances. She was an unwed pregnant teenager, but fortunately, her fiancé Joseph decided to marry her anyway, even though they both knew he was not her baby daddy. These days, you don’t find too many stand-up guys like Joseph, unfortunately, as far too many single mothers can tell you. Mary gave birth in a barn, because there was no national healthcare system in those days, Some things haven’t changed.

When Jesus was 12 years old, his parents lost him while they were on a family trip. This was before text messaging. They found him in a synagogue teaching his elders about the scriptures. When his mom scolded him, Jesus gave her the best tween excuse of all time: “Mom, I’m doing God’s work here. Chill out.” If my 12-year-old son tried something like this, I would probably ground him from his iPod for at least a day. Also, I would be secretly impressed.

In Jesus’s brief ministry, here are some things he did not talk about (but which certain Republican legislators are trying to abrogate under the false pretense of “Christian Values”):

• Gay marriage
• Reproductive rights
• Keeping people from using the bathroom they want to use.

And here are some things he did talk about (which seem largely absent from the vocabulary of many contemporary conservative Christians):

• Loving one another
• Embracing the stranger
• Forgiving people and not judging them.

One of the last things Jesus taught by example was how to respect and honor our mothers. While he was dying on the cross, Jesus made arrangements to ensure that his mother was cared for. 

What do we do to care for the women in our lives? This election season, I’ve become increasingly alarmed by the rhetoric of institutionalized sexism that has joined equally ugly racism and xenophobia in our national conversation. Policies that benefit women—maternity leave, childcare, healthcare, reproductive rights, equal pay for equal work, etc.—are under attack. 

This Mother’s Day, I’m thinking about all of the women who deserve so much more than we have right now. 

Blessed Are the Women

Blessed are the mothers, 
for they gave us life.

Blessed are the mothers who stayed at home during our childhood,
For they played pretend games and served us healthy snacks.
They showed us they cared by sacrificing themselves for us.

Blessed are the mothers who worked during our childhood,
For they attended our school conferences and helped us with late night homework.
They showed us they cared by sacrificing themselves for us.

Blessed are the mothers who are married,
And blessed are the mothers who are not married.
Both have their secret sorrows and joys.

Blessed are the mothers who abandoned us:
We cannot always know the price they paid for our life.
And blessed are the mothers who are estranged from us
As we pray for reconciliation.

Blessed are the mothers who hurt us.
We do not know the pain that they endured,
And we forgive them, to assuage our own grief.

Blessed are the mothers of children who are sick:
Theirs is a special calling, to care too dearly, 
to trade one future for another.

Blessed are the mothers who have lost children too young.
Any mother who outlives a child has lost her child too young.
May we pray for grace and peace for these sweet mothers.

Blessed are the mothers of furry or slimy or scaly creatures.
Their calling is to care for all life,
And they nurture living things as acolytes of Mother Earth.

Blessed are the women who choose not to be mothers.
There is nothing selfish in their right 
To self-determination.

Blessed are the women who are not mothers but want to be.
Theirs is an exquisite grief, a primal longing,
Let us assure them that they belong and matter in our world.

Blessed are the sisters, daughters, wives, girlfriends.
Blessed are all the women, for they shall care for the earth.

The Price of Silence

Dear Friends,

This is a humbling day for me. The first time I read a book and realized the power that words can hold over our hearts and minds, I knew that I wanted to write. Today, my dream of publishing a book has come true with The Price of Silence: A Mom's Perspective on Mental Illness, from Hudson Street Press.

But for me, the price of realizing my dream was beyond anything I imagined. I wrote The Price of Silence because like most  of us, after Newtown, I wanted answers. My quest through the complex and often hostile systems that families and children who have mental illness must navigate was personal: I live this experience daily with my dear son.

Kirkus Reviews described my book as "a searing indictment of the lack of affordable care available for the treatment of mentally ill adolescents."

Andrew Solomon, author of Far From the Tree (which everyone should read), wrote: 

In this courageous, determined, radical book, Liza Long exposes the dearth of alternatives for parents of kids with mental illnesses, the shame that attends their perceived failures, and the hope that such families may find their collective voice and demand better options.  I hope her passionate cry is heard far and wide.

I am profoundly grateful to the families, providers, police officers, educators, and advocates who shared their often painful stories with me. It's not easy to talk about mental illness; I know that truth firsthand. And I am especially grateful to my son, whose perspective provides valuable insight into mental illness and how it affects children. His humor, intelligence, and love have made my life immeasurably better. He is not a bad kid--he is an incredibly brave kid (and he just finished writing his first book! At age 14! It's about demigods from outer space).

But today, though I am grateful that so many people are speaking up and sharing their stories. I am also saddened at our inability as a society to act. People who have mental illness, including children, are "treated" in jail or left to die on the streets or by suicide. This is a national tragedy of epic and growing proportions. I feel that we have a moral obligation to care for our children, brothers, sisters, parents, friends, and colleagues who have mental illness.

I hope you will read my book. But more importantly, I hope that you will join me in speaking up for change. Please contact your representatives in  Congress. Join Treatment Before Tragedy. Participate in your local NAMI walks this fall. And share your stories. Their truth is powerful. Together, I know we can make a difference. In the words of one of my favorite poets, Robert Frost:

 

Only when love and need are one, 

And the work is play for mortal stakes

Is the deed every really done

For heaven and the future's sakes.

These are our children, and this is their--and our--future.

Best to you all!

Liza

P.S. If you do want to buy the book, please consider a local bookseller. Here are two of my favorites:

Iconoclast Books
www.iconoclastbooks.com
671 Sun Valley Rd W, Ketchum, ID 83340
(208) 726-1564

Rediscovered Books
www.rdbooks.org
180 N 8th St, Boise, ID 83702
(208) 376-4229

Dear Mormons: Count Me Out!

I'm a Mormon.

Views from the Diaspora on the LDS Ordain Women Movement 

On April 5, 2014, a group of brave, dedicated, faithful women, some of them personal friends, tried to attend a semi-annual conference that has traditionally had a large “No Girls Allowed” sign on its front door—and has no plans to change its exclusionary and hurtful practices any time soon. Of course, my friends were turned away. These women are part of the Ordain Women movement in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Today, the New York Times reported that Ordain Women founder and human rights attorney Kate Kelly had been summoned to a disciplinary hearing, where she may be excommunicated from the church she has fought so hard to change. Mormon Stories podcaster and gay rights advocate John Dehlin, a husband, father, and fifth-generation Latter-day Saint, was also summoned to a church disciplinary court in what Flunking Sainthood’s always insightful Jana Riess has predicted may signal the beginning of a new Mormon purge. 

I’m no longer a practicing member of the Church. But like many of my friends who have stopped attending Sunday meetings, I still consider myself culturally Mormon. When Facebook asks me for my religious views, the best thing I can say is, “It’s complicated.” So I’ve watched from the sidelines as my feminist friends who are still faithful Latter-day Saints agitate for change, cheering my girlfriends on, but believing that it’s not my fight. My suspicions, rooted in historical fact, are that no one ever got anywhere by walking up to the doors of the patriarchy, knocking politely, and asking to be let in.

I haven’t weighed in on Ordain Women until now because frankly, I felt like my voice didn’t count, that it wasn’t my fight. After all, I left on my own. I’m not like Kelly, who told Buzzfeed’s Laura Marostica “I never considered leaving the church. That was never on the table for me. I’m more of a person who’s like, ‘Well, I’m in an institution and I can see it needs to be improved. It needs to change; I don’t need to leave.’” Talk about the faith to move mountains!

In response to OW’s plans to attend the Priesthood Session in April, the church’s PR spokesperson Jessica Moody attempted to minimize and marginalize the efforts of my faithful friends: "Women in the church, by a very large majority, do not share your advocacy for priesthood ordination for women and consider that position to be extreme," she told Ordain Women, saying that 1,300 women who signed the OW petition were not significant in a worldwide church of 15 million members.

Well, if you’re going to count them, maybe it’s time to count me.

Because here’s the thing. When the Church says that it has 15,000,000 members, they are counting me, and lots of women like me. They’ve never formally kicked me out, at least not to my knowledge, though I’m WAY more apostate than Kate Kelley or John Dehlin. In fact, I’m so apostate that I actually went to the Dark Side, joining the Roman Catholic Church, which former Mormon General Authority called “the great and abominable church” in his first edition of Mormon Doctrine (a statement which, to be fair, was repudiated by other Mormon leaders).  Sorry, Mormons, but #OurPopeBeatsYourProphet.

Unlike many of my post-Mormon friends, I’ve never formally asked to leave. It wasn’t that big a deal to me. I still get monthly newsletters from my Relief Society visiting teachers and the occasional much appreciated plate of brownies or other home-made treat.

But if I count as a member, then I should count as a woman who left the church because I felt marginalized by policies that relegated me to the position of a second-class citizen. Motherhood does not equal priesthood, or even womanhood, for that matter. And nothing I know about Jesus leads me to believe that is God’s plan for me, or for any other woman I know.

Some of us who are still counted as members simply lacked the patience or just plain perseverance to continue to fight from within. So we drifted away, one by one, feeling, as I did, increasingly marginalized and irrelevant in a culture that emphasizes and celebrates two-parent, so-called traditional families as the pinnacle of righteous living (and hey, girls, as a carrot at the end of life’s stick, women can be “Heavenly Mothers” to millions of spirit children. No thanks—I didn’t like being pregnant in this life, so I’ll pass on that in the next one).

I can’t give you any hard and fast numbers. But everyone knows the Mormon Church is losing members fast, as both new converts and the long-time faithful grapple with cognitive dissonance, discovering less-sanitized views of their religion’s formerly white-washed (I chose that term deliberately) history.

After I expressed support for my OW friends on Facebook, one of my friends, a woman I deeply respect who is still an active member, messaged me to say that she just didn’t feel like she needed the Priesthood, since she always had access to its blessings. I remember feeling that exact same way when I was married. But after my divorce, I realized that in fact, I did not have access to those blessings in the same way married women did.  

Indeed, the issue of gender inequity affects both my former (cultural) faith and my new (spiritual) faith, as Chris Henrichsen noted in his article, “We Are Already Seeing an Exodus of the Faithful.” He quoted BYU Professor and Catholic Damon Linker’s oddly prescient observation: “in both Catholicism and Mormonism, there’s often nowhere else to go. It’s either love it or leave it.”

It seems a lot like the Pharisees’ approach to Jesus’s radical notion: “Love thy neighbor.” It's not “judge thy neighbor.” Not “expel thy neighbor.” But “Love thy neighbor.”

To John, Kate, and all my friends who are fighting for love within the religion they have chosen, I wish you every bit of luck on your spiritual quest. They would be silly and short-sighted to lose you. But to the people whose interpretation of love is to close doors and shut windows, to those “faithful” church members, I say #MormonsCountMeOut.

Without Us

Treatment before tragedy. Photo by Daniel Battiston, freeimages.com

Why are some mental health advocacy groups opposed to critical healthcare reform for serious mental illness?

Early Saturday morning, I woke up to the news of another mass shooting, this time in a pleasant Santa Barbara neighborhood. Details were still sketchy at that point—the shooter was young, white. and male. I turned off my computer, packed my kids and our camping gear in the car, and headed for the hills, out of cell phone range.

Like so many other mothers of children who have mental illness, I knew how the story would go. His parents would have sought treatment. He would have had encounters with law enforcement. Probably he was bullied as a child. He played violent video games. And now, he—and six other young people, all of them with promising futures—were dead.

When we returned this afternoon, sunburned and covered in sand from playing all morning on the dunes, a few new details of the story surprised me: the connection to Hollywood, the misogynistic YouTube rant (see Laurie Penny’s analysis here), the Fox News allegations that Elliott Rodger was gay (???). But Fox News aside, the media seemed to be paying far less attention to the tragedy than they were to NASCAR.

It seems as if after Newtown, we just gave up. We decided that this is the kind of society we are going to live in—a society that has too many guns, and a society that chooses to ignore people with mental illness and their families, at great cost (see Liz Szabo’s timely piece in USA Today).

Part of the problem is that just as gun control opponents and gun control advocates can’t agree on even common-sense things like background checks, the mental health community can’t come to a consensus about how best to fund—and treat—mental illness. As I’ve shared before, my son has a serious mental illness. For him, and for my family, medical treatment has restored a sense of normalcy to our lives. But not everyone thinks the medical model is best for treating mental illness.

Right now, there are two competing bills in Congress. HR 3717, the “Helping Families in Mental Health Crisis Act” proposed by Rep. Tim Murphy, promises hope to families and children like mine. The other, the “Strengthening Mental Health in Our Communities Act” proposed by Tucson shooting survivor Rep. Ron Barber, maintains the status quo, a broken and fragmented system that requires patients to be well enough to seek their own care and promotes a focus on behavior and prevention, two concepts that don’t apply to people who have organic brain diseases, people who are too often “treated” in prison or ignored on the streets.

What I want—and what Elliot Rodger’s parents no doubt wanted—is “treatment before tragedy.”

Last week I attended a webinar sponsored by SAMHSA-funded mental health advocacy groups who are opposed to HR 3717. As the mother of a child who has a serious mental illness, I’m a supporter of Rep. Murphy’s bill. But since I also volunteer for and donate to organizations that get grants from SAMHSA, I wanted to understand the other side.

The phrase “Nothing about us without us” was used 30 times in the course of the hour-long webinar. This dictum establishes the common sense model of including people with mental illness in crafting legislation that would affect their lives. It’s a good idea, and that’s exactly what Representative Murphy did over the course of his year-long post-Newtown investigation into the myriad problems that continue to plague our mental healthcare delivery model. You can read the final report here. 

But at the end of the webinar, I was left wondering who these probably well-meaning and sincere advocates meant by “us.” Because I don’t think they are talking about me or my son, or hundreds of other families I know.

“When young men rage and scare their families, where are they supposed to go?” a friend who was also on the webinar and whose adult daughter suffers from bipolar asked me. “I feel like I have to beg my government not to imprison my child or leave her on the street to get prostituted out or taken advantage of by druggies. All while they spend money in the name of the illness she suffers from.”

The problem is that many of the sickest among us do not know that they need help. And even if they—or their families—realize they do need help, as Creigh and Gus Deeds did, too often there are no resources available. That’s why anything less than HR3717, the comprehensive transformation of our broken mental health care system proposed by Rep. Tim Murphy and backed by 86 bipartisan legislators, is so critical.

My son has never gone to an acute care psychiatric hospital willingly; in fact, it usually takes 2-3 police officers and a tranquilizer to get him into care. I can’t do it on my own. But at least he’s still a minor, so I can make sure he gets the help he needs—if we are lucky and beds are available.

And at least when he’s not in a manic rage, he’s aware of his illness and wants to take his medications.

What happens when he turns 19? What happens if he decides not to take lithium anymore?

The alternate bill proposed by Rep. Barber fails to address this all-important question, and many others that will haunt the investigation of this most recent mass shooting.

According to Susan Mosychuk, Rep. Murphy’s chief of staff, the bill introduced by Rep. Barber 

denies inpatient and outpatient treatment options to those who are experiencing an acute mental health crisis. It denies families the opportunity to be part of the care team and help their loved ones with serious mental illness. And it denies the reality that the lead federal agency, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, has failed in its mission. It’s almost as if the Barber bill wants to deny that people with severe and persistent mental illness exist. Denial doesn't work for substance abuse, and denial won't work for the families whose loved ones are in a mental health crisis.

Allen Frances, the author of Saving Normal, articulated the problem beautifully: “This is the cruel paradox haunting our mental health non-system: we deliver way too much care to basically normal people who don't need it, while providing way too little care to the really sick people who desperately do.” 

So why are some mental health advocacy groups opposed to Rep. Murphy’s bipartisan-backed legislation?

In the webinar I attended, they gave three reasons: that the medical model of mental illness would prevent people from seeking mental healthcare services, that requiring accountability and restructuring SAMHSA would eliminate or curtail innovation in mental healthcare, and that HR 3717 discriminates against people with serious mental illness by forcing treatment through its Assisted Outpatient Treatment provisions. While civil rights are undeniably a concern for those with mental illness, forced treatment and loss of civil rights already occurs when we choose to treat them in prisons rather than in hospitals.

Though this conclusion disturbs me, I think the real opposition to HR 3717 comes down to money. Organizations are afraid of change, and they are afraid of losing their funding. But as the most recent tragedy so clearly demonstrated, we can’t keep doing things the same way and expect our outcomes to be better. Those of us who have serious mental illness deserve a chance at hope and health. We deserve, as my son does, to have a life worth living—and to live that life. Please don’t support proposed legislation that is written without us, the parents who love our children and want treatment before the next tragedy.