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| Michael holding a butterfly |
Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.
“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly
belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.
“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code
says black or khaki pants only.”
“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a
stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have
rights!”
“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone
affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re
grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I
will take you to school.”
I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he
terrifies me.
A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to
kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books.
His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and
locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael,
then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single
Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to
scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.
That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a
paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the
local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael
calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for
Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.
We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism
spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have
all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social
workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a
slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of
behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.
At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an
accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off
the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects
ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and
Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when
he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.
Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began
exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to
transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained
school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can
access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through
Friday until they turn 18.
The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to
argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem
remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look,
Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”
“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this
morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”
His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated
rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this
car right now and kill myself.”
That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he
ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital,
no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the
opposite lane, turning left instead of right.
“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where
are we going?”
“You know where we are going,” I replied.
“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re
sending me straight to hell!”
I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving
for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the
police,” I said. “Hurry.”
Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and
hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several
times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than
he is, but I won’t be for much longer.
The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and
kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled
my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—“Were there any difficulties with....at
what age did your child....were there any problems with...has your child ever
experienced...does your child have....”
At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a
position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you
have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No
individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.
For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the
whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to
check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon
as I get out of here.”
By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies
and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t
believe them anymore.
On the intake form, under the question, “What are your
expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”
And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my
own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for
grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.
I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I
am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am
Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their
mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy
to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.
According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders
involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. (http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map).
Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother
Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did).
But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many
people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.
When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he
said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If
he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the
only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to
you unless you’ve got charges.”
I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic
environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t
deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is
using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to
Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons
quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate
mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated
population. (http://www.hrw.org/news/2006/09/05/us-number-mentally-ill-prisons-quadrupled)
With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered,
prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County
Jail, and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment
centers in 2011 (http://www.npr.org/2011/09/04/140167676/nations-jails-struggle-with-mentally-ill-prisoners)
No one wants to send
a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection
to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken
healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another
tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten
classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”
I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a
meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way
our nation can ever truly heal.
God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
3,760 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 1001 – 1200 of 3760 Newer› Newest»nevermind my last comment, you were the orginal author and they are the ones sharing it. MY BAD!! Anyway, great article. I can totally relate. My 8 year old has aspergers and has had violent fits with me. I've already been scared a few times and he is just 8. My non blood related cousin recently was arrested for pulling a gun on someone in road rage and he had pulled a knife on my uncle before, he has been in so much trouble and literally sounds exactly like Michael. Unless you have been in that situation, it is almost impossible to understand or empathize. People are so quick to judge the parent or the parenting style and don't get that it is a mental illness. No amount of discipline will ever change that.
I have worked with many kids like your son and none of them have become killers
what proof do you have that ANY of these shooters had issues like your son?
I think if you have no proof you should not be using this to bring attention to your plight though I do think you need help and should get it to do so on the back of these sensational cases with no POOF if you have none is actually a very disgusting thing. For one thing if these killers are killing because the drugs are making them crazy you are taking the attention away from the real cause... second if the attention is directed wrongly towards kids like yours they will lose their freedoms and likely be subjected to more drugging (which maybe making them worse) and further hell.
Just my idea of the subject without any proof the shooters were like your son you are doing a disservice to all involved including you son. and the victims of this last shooter and the ones to come.
Something else to consider... many times the parents of children with disorders such as autism are divorced. Mom is doing it alone. Try working a full time job with this level of disability. What do you do when school is out? What do you do during summers? What do you do when the school calls, the teachers call, the child leaves campus, the constant ARD meetings... how do you hold a job? When you focus on things like welfare and food stamp and Medicaid cut backs, these are some of the families you must remember. Medicaid, whether reached via income level or a disability waiver, is many times the only access to support these families have.
You are my hero.
I am so sorry you've had to face this, but I commend you for the COURAGE it took to do what you had to do when you took him to the hospital. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must've been.
Thank you for making such a strong point for what I think needs to be addressed right now.
You are an amazing mom.
Thank you for airing our plights... my son is now 20. He doesnt threaten me or anyone in our home, or generally other people, but always himself.. and your right, you can only stare into those beautiful eyes we brought into the world so many times, and watch the tears fall and be able to accept the empty promises, and that rips our hearts right out of our chests.
As a person on the autistic spectrum, having suffered on the other end of this issue, my heart goes out to you and your son.
Your story moved me so much that I reposted (with attribution) this article on my blog at http://wayoutonthecorner.blogspot.com
Thank you for writing this article. This needs to be a major part of the National discussion and mental health services need to have a solid infrastructure, so children like your son, don't fall through the cracks.
Prison is not the place to obtain mental health services and your son does not deserve that.
I am amazed that you have had so many professionals unable to help your son, and yet, you write an article and there are all of this opinionated people who have no problem diagnosing someone they have never met (never mind that they don't have professional training, just opinions) and attack you for being the mother of a child that OBVIOUSLY needs a steady stream of mental health care services. Quite possibly for the rest of his life.
As soon as I started reading your article, I wondered if your child was in the gifted and talented. Most of these children are highly intelligent, curious about the universe and exceptionally capable of processing complex information.
When it comes to social abilities and norms, that's another story.
(I have some personal experience in this area)
While we can blame Ronald Reagan for dismantelling the mental health care system, we can point the finger to us by not fixing what was broken.
You are right. We need to talk about Mental Health Services, make them easily accessible to all, and part of the fabric of our society.
At the same time, we need to have restrictions on guns. No one can be that blind that people who have no business having a gun in their possession are the ones murdering innocent people.
It is okay. We can do both.
Thank you for your article. I'll be sharing it all over social media.
How about you go live there for a week. Ten talk. Your comment shows an utter lack of experience and is very callous.
Thank you for sharing... there is mental illness in our family as well, and I'll admit, it was hard not to question parenting at first... it's just hard to wrap your mind around it when a kid can be so good-natured one moment, and when the switch flips, turn unrecognizable. There are many frank conversations this country needs to have about mental health. I certainly don't have perfect answers for you, but you have my prayers and my appreciation that you are getting help.
www.viewsfromapier.blogspot.com
Not mention of the word "father" in the post. Yeah women are really good at raising boys by themselves aren't they. FAIL
Thank you. This is my father and my brother. I hope for the best for both of us, and thank you for being brave enough to tell your story. I'm not.
I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it is to love someone that scares you so much, I hope that your words will catch the attention of someone with the power to make changes happen in our health care system. I was treated for depression/attempted suicide when I was 15, my sister was treated for OCD at 16, and 17. We both live normal lives now, thanks to the care we got then and the love and patience of our mother and father. I remember there being state run mental health facilities at the time, but they all shut down within the last 10 years or so. It's clear that they need to be brought back for long term treatment, and they need to be closely monitored so the patient abuse of the past does not happen again.
I just read a parenting book that has changed my paradigm entirely (and I have read a slew of parenting books)
Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld
It discusses the breakdown of parental influence, and the decreasing security of our children as our society increases in peer-orientation, instead of parent-orientation. The author directly addresses many of these mental health types of issues and how they can stem from weakening parent-child relationships. He also tells how they can be restored. One of the most important books I've ever read.
stacie
Thanks for sharing your stuggle, Liza. Yes, it's true that our society must wake up to the mental health issues underlying violent behaviors and communications.
However, you don't need a diagnosis to learn communication skills and self-management strategies within your family. Check out my website and contact me via email or phone. I'll even give you a free first session, via Skype, if you want: www.changethestory.com
Hi, my name is Eric and I was very moved by what you wrote, chiefly because it sounded almost exactly like me 20 years ago. The litany of tests, drugs, diagnoses; the somewhat random things setting you off, and the extremely intelligent and varied intellectual repetoire, and the parent who was at her wits end. I was crying by the end of it, and it brought back a lot of things I haven't thought about in a while (After years of therapy and time, I am now a phd in neuroscience with a wonderful wife and a strong relationship with my parents and sister.)
I cannot claim to know the mind of your son, but everything you say sounds so familiar, I'd like to reach out and tell you what I can about when I was "Michael". For whatever reason, I was hyperlogical and very smart. At that age, with those skills - college texts seem fun and not daunting because it "makes sense". Legos, fantasy novels, and other created worlds are a great relief as you can construct and order your own logical reality. I'm guessing your son, in his calmer moments, has insights about human nature that astound you. Because things make so much sense and he's precosciously bright, he has a very clear idea of what should happen, of what is just... but lacks the bigger picture and/or fails to take into account conditional states (confusing himself for having the 'rights' of an adult, or 'American' with what a school requires). Because this concept of reality is so staunch and the logic so black and white, to contradict this concept is extreme and violent, crushing the crutch of logic view out whole world with. It's clear that this extreme must be fought with another extreme: violence, suicide, hate. You have the world laid out so logically well in your mind, but are unaware of the missing pieces - how people feel, the ultimate results of violence, the repercussions on family and friends not directly involved in the affront to your reality, and most of all, how in dealing with problems where it just doesn't make sense. Problems go from minute to spinning out of control, as every insistence of something that doesn't fit is world shattering. This isn't a brat wanting his way or an evil malevolence, this is the desperateness of someone with some very keen tools, but not all of them - and not the important ones- the desperate struggle to combat against attacks on his reality.
Using words to describe the mind will always come up short. I was too young to understand how inappropriate (in every sense of the word, I do not mean this term lightly) my actions or perceptions were, not how much pain they were causing who I threatened, those around us, or myself. I was a "messed up kid". I am still too into my sense of justice and lack of empathy, and my rational side can cause social problems. Time and therapy did wonders, and I know that I am lucky. I want you to know that it can get better and that the road ahead will be difficult, but there is hope. Growing up is a difficult but effective teacher, too. I want to apologize to you and all the mothers who have suffered with a child who loves them, but poses a real threat to their health and well-being. We are difficult, obviously - but not without cause, a future, or thankfulness for your incredible gifts to us. Thank you for all you do, and if you'd like to talk more, please contact me on facebook or email me.
Thank you for sharing. I can't imagine your life and your broken heart. I'm not sure how I feel about what I'm about to suggest, but if I had tried medication, hospitalization, and accepting the fact that a chemical reaction in his head was making him crazy...I'd try an exorcism. You really have nothing to loose from doing it.
I'm disgusted by your response. It shows a lack of empathy or higher thinking. Her child is uncomfortable with authority (as you seem to be), but to suggest she allow him to do whatever he wants indicates you know nothing about the concept of parenting or children having limits.
Until just recently my job was working and hopefully helping families with children like "Michael." I loved my job...I hated the bureaucracy and insipid State and Federal rules, regs, mandates that keep the "Michaels" and their families from getting the help they truly need. I applaud The Anarchist Soccer Mom for her perfect detailing of what families and "Michaels" face, live and endure every single day of their lives.
I'm disgusted by your response. It shows a lack of empathy or higher thinking. Her child is uncomfortable with authority (as you seem to be), but to suggest she allow him to do whatever he wants indicates you know nothing about the concept of parenting or children having limits.
Soccer Mom--I agree with Dianna, who said, please take down this post ASAP, especially the picture, as it isn't fair to Michael to make this public. The rest of her post was great too.
As a mom who's been there, want to say, 13 is a terribly difficult age, and can be especially so for a gifted child. There is hope for a better future. If you look at the newer brain research, there is tremendous change and development between the ages of about 12 and the early 20s.
Two bits of advice. Keep looking until you find a wise and caring psych or psychiatric professional who believes as much in counseling as in drugs. You also need someone who takes giftedness seriously as a major factor in all this, perhaps even a specialist in giftedness.
Second, do everything you can to surround Michael and your other children with caring, supportive, friends and family. Move if necessary to accomplish this. Michael is at an age where a loving mom is no longer enough. He desperately needs a caring, supportive man in his life. Maybe a church group could help, or Big Brothers.
The best advice I was given was, never give up on on your child. Most parents are completely inexperienced when a child's major mental health issues crash in on us. Sadly, the first line people we turn to, schools, physicians, run-of-the-mill psychiatrists, are rarely helpful. Keep looking.
Some of the comments on this blog are hurtful, but there is also a great deal of wisdom here, especially from people who have gone through this themselves as young people.
What? You seriously wrote that? Shame on you. Mental illness is real!!!
This does indeed reduce me to tears...I am a single mother of a 15yr old boy, he had adhd since he was born and started having suicidal thoughts at age 8 (found a note hidden in his room wishing a stranger would pick him up at a bus stop and kidnap him and kill him for several different reasons he mentioned, none of which were cause enough for THAT) and I immediately checked him into a mental health hospital for children, it did more harm than good. Now he is depressed and we live day to day, I won't put him on any more meds, they either did nothing or made it worse (adhd meds worked for that but he outgrew his adhd a couple yrs ago). After reading this I reaize how lucky I am that he is not violent, he is already bigger than me. I hate that people blame the parent's all the time, in some cases it may be true but sometimes it's not. There are mental illnesses that are inborn or chemical and sometimes they can be controlled but sometimes you can do nothing and it's the most horrible feeling in the world. You are exceptionally strong for posting this and I sincerely hope that things get better and he gets better. I can only imagine how things would be if mine was worse like that. My heart goes out to you.
I cried as I read this...we as a country need to address mental illness and it's ramifications. We need to be able to have an avenue for treatment without jail, we need to treat the mentally ill as patients suffering unbearable pain at times rather than monsters- we can stop the monsters - we need to help them- God bless you and Michael and thank you for sharing your story
Has your had specialized treatment before? You can't have him at home when you have 2 younger children who're terrified of his rages. The moment you established a safety plan for them to escape their brother's rages was the moment when he should've been sent to a specialized institution. One of these days he will hurt someone.
I totally agree with this article. This incident was caused because of mental illness, not because of lack of gun control. Nancy Lanza purchased those guns legally, and taught her son (who she know had problems) how to use them. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. We need more parents like you who know how to handle their mentally ill children.Thank you for being responsible, and keeping all of your sharp objects with you. If only Nancy Lanza could have been as wise
Thank you, You are speaking for many of us who are living with the same type of thing. I am sorry about the people who don't get it. I don't think anyone can truly understand unless they live with it. My son is adorable, and smart and I love him very much. I am also terrified of what he may one day do. Sending prayers for you and all the other mothers living with this.
As a mom who as survive a son who has threatened to kill her on more then one occasion, you have accurately explained how it feels. at one point we had a team of 21 professionals working with our son just so he could stay in our home - so we could be a family. One doctor offered to help us disrupt the adoption. We believed that this child, who had been severely abused, deserved a family. At age 14 he attacked all three of us in one weekend and the professionals helped us to see that we could no longer keep everyone safe. He spent 4 years in treatment. He continued his threats. He beat up a female staff so badly that she is on permanent disability. No charges were filed. When he turned 18, the facility dumped him in a shelter, without any medication. At the time he was taking 12 different meds. Today he is 24, a claimed drug addict who is facing jail time for causing tens of thousands of dollars of damage to the apartment complex where he lived. He does not live near us. It costs too much to get a train/bus ticket here. And yes, we worry that someday, it could be him doing the awful, unspeakable.
Thank you for sharing this with every one
What an amazing article! I am raising an 11-year-old girl who is very much like you've described Michael. I have felt terrified of my child. I often feel afraid for her, for what will become of her as she enters her teen and adult years. Thank you for this timely and thought provoking article.
There but for the grace of God go I. I have been there. A day does not go by that I don't wake up saying we have made it through another day; and that's what it is, one day at a time. The stabilize and ship attitude of our current system, the high cost of the best meds for treatment, the lack of insurance coverage and even with insurance coverage, mental health care providers who do not accept insurance because insurance carriers do not respect or value their services, all add to the problem. It's very easy to blame lack of gun control (I am a supporter of the Brady bill), but there is a deeper issue that we continue to ignore. Sane people do not shoot up school districts. It's easy to blame the guns, the parents, etc, but until you have walked the walk, that ends up with total dispair as to what the hell else you can do, I'm not sure anyone will understand. Thank you so much for sharing my story, because I am Adam's mom too.
*HUGS* This is so beautifully written, and I think it has really touched a LOT of people. Thank you so much for speaking out, and I hope that it helps to make a difference in your lives and the lives of many other parents and children.
Thank you so much for your post. I am sorry that there have been so many negative responses posted here. It shows that we as a people truly do not understand mental health. I am very surprised at the ignorance that some people have shown.
I am a mom that has a 22 year old daughter that has struggled with bipolar illness for years and when she is manic she is also schizophrenic. She has been hospitalized 10 times in the past six years. When she is balanced she is an amazing person. When she is not balance and manic, it is a nightmare for everyone... including her. Our mental health care system is broken and as an a nation we are paying the price. The most recent evidence of this is the tragic CT school shooting.
As the parent of my 22 year old daughter, I have no rights or ability to get her help when she needs it because she is an "adult". The hospital keeps releasing her once she starts to show improvement but before she is completely balanced because of the shortage of beds and resources. She is on her third hospitalization this month. I am very grateful that she is still alive at this point.
Unless you are a parent that lives and deals with the mental illness of a child, you simple don't "get it". Hold your judgement. You have no idea how difficult this is to deal with. I lost my 20 year old son four years ago in an accident which has been devastating, but doesn't come close to difficulty of dealing with a child that is living with the hell of mental illness. It rips your heart out to watch your child struggle and feeling helpless as a parent.
Wake up America! We need to improve our mental health system. We need to reach out in support of individuals and families that deal with this nightmare. Once again - thank you for sharing and helping to increase awareness of mental illness and the challenges it presents.
I really look up to you. Not many moms would have taken action as you did (I know my mom would never have done that). I don't mean to narrate a personal story but I can relate, my sister is the same (she has been diagnosed with manic bipolar-ism) but my mom refuses to treat her. She's still holding on to the hope that she will recover.
On another note, there is a rapid increase in the diagnosis of mental illness. The increase is prominent enough to raise a many questions. Were these mental illnesses always there but we just learnt to diagnose them? Or are we exaggerating and over-labeling disorders? Now in some cases it is fairly obvious, but in others it's not; I have witnessed many misdiagnosed people who had to go through unnecessary treatments and suffer from side effects.
Another issue is the drugs themselves, do they work? Most do not lead to improvement, and if they did, it would be mild improvement.
The solution? You cannot expect the problem to be solved by putting people in mental hospitals. More research has to be done to figure out the leading cause of this issue. The biological basis of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and other mental disorders is still unidentified and very vague. Psychiatrists rely on subjective data to diagnose a patient. This has to end.
It is comments like this that really anger me. She is not talking badly about her son, she's trying to make people aware that in most cases these people are not getting the help they need, and usually are asking for in one way or another. And as a person that is on medication for bipolar, wouldn't that be nice, to just be sane. You are one of the people that do not understand mental illness at all, nor does it seem you care too. (I am not looking to get into an argument with you over this, I have stated my opinions)
This is an important article. Thank you for posting. If you recall Columbine, I believe both boys were given Remeron. It is now known that drug can cause extreme dissociative episodes. The patient can have periods of violence and act completely beyond the realm of any previous behavior, and have no memory of the incident. Class action suits have been filed. Drugs prescribed for mental illness can be very dangerous. Yet this mother is right. We must have deeper conversations about mental illness. These conversations must go beyond treatment - they must address cause.
Whatever you do, don't put him in one of those horrible residential treatment centres like that mother with the 9 year old.There is a huge movement to shut down those facilities. They are very very dangerous and solve nothing17420 tuschon
I am entirely touched by your words. Thank you.
@Allison Scanlon:
You're wrong. The problem with Adam Lanza IS precisely the fact that there were weapons in the house. Weapons are dangerous. Weapons and mental illness combined are lethal.
No civilian house should have weapons in it. This isn't the Wild West. We live in a peaceful society.
As a society, we are caught in a quagmire of violence everywhere we look...TV, video games, war, the news and our own personal confrontations and we don't know how to deal with it except to try to control each incident with suppression, manipulation
and threats. I'm sorry mom, I know your heart is broken, but the mental illness starts with all of us. Every time you manipulate and control with pills or threats you worsen the illness until it explodes. But none of us are really equipped to know this...we just react the only way we know how and then when it goes way out of control, we turn the problem over to the authorities who are also unequipped to handle it humanely. There is a way....I haven't tried it, but some of my friends have and they exhibit such grace in times of stress. it's called Dianetics....it's about the reactive mind and how to create a new awareness and a new reality.
Michael may have Borderline Personality Disorder and DBT (Dialecticical Behavior Therapy) skills training has made a world of difference for these individuals. In any case, contact your local NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) chapter for resources and most of all for support. They can help you find a counselor that teaches DBT skills. Also, if you learn them you will be able to interact with your son in ways that are less likely to escalate his behaviors.
For those parents who have children with mental/physical challenges, I highly recommend the book, Dancing with Max. It might offer some encouragement to try something different with your child. http://www.amazon.com/Dancing-Max-Mother-Broke-Free/dp/0310293685
I'm a fellow blogger (mostly on infertility and pregnancy loss, and life after), and I'd be honored if you would allow me to reblog your entry, with a link back here.
Ma'am -
I was that defiant kid that my parents and siblings feared...I was a big-sized kid, genius intellect, and could be downright sweet when I wanted to be. But I had that rage component as well, and at times just downright mean - never murderous, but certainly destructive. My mom probably went through the same feelings you are going through - the helplessness - only instead of turning me over to hospitals and law enforcement - she sent me to St. John's Military School in Salina, Kansas.
That move saved my life. Literally.
It's something I'll always be grateful to her for having the foresight to commit too (and oh I was so angry when I was dropped off there, but you get with the program eventually...) your son will get the structure he needs - and the discipline...I'm 34 now and have friends - brothers really - that will last me a lifetime.
For the first six weeks - it'll be the hardest ones of his young life. But once he gets his old boy, can grow his hair out, and starts gaining some privileges - his tone will change, he'll start making friends, he'll get his first ribbons and awards and start making rank. He'll come around...like we all did...I played sports, I found hobbies, I did well in school (really for the first time in my life), I made friends...who are still my friends now, and I fell in love with military history - a love that I still very much have today.
My e-mail is Joelmbarr@gmail.com and you are welcome to contact me if you'd like to hear more about my experiences (or any other parents who are reading this comment in solidarity with the original poster, who are feeling the same helplessness for your son who is experiencing the same things she described) - I can also put you in contact with several of my 'brothers' who I attended with both before and after my time. And I turned out great, thanks to her.
I wish you luck - I can't imagine what my mom went through with me when there was far less sensitivity to these sorts of things.
I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to say, in part because in some small way I can relate. I've seen first hand what you are living through, but through the eyes of a children's mental health worker. I don't know what they have in your state, but in some states there are organizations and programs set up to help children and families like your son. I would hate for your child to be sent to juvenile detention or jail just for you to get help. There are, however, places all across the country that take in kids like Michael who have some type of mental illness and can not get along in schools and home. These places are called Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facilities or PRTF for short. The child stays there and gets therapy and learns skills in order to get along in the community. This isn't ideal I admit but it is a solution that allows your child and your family to be safe and get the help they need. Many states are beginning to implement programs that help the family in the community without having to send the child away. These are the same kids that get sent away that the program is working with in the community. I know this because I work with these children in the community. It offers the help that your family is wanting. I don't know if your state offers this, but it might be worth checking with your local mental health organization or even your state department of mental health. I truly hope you find the help you and your family need. It is out there.
Have you ever heard Dr. Walsh and his work on the relationship between nutrition--vitamins, minerals, metals--and mental disorders? He has done a lot of work with violent, aggressive children and managing their behavior through supplements. The child raising columnist Marguerite Kelly (The Family Almanac) is a big believer in his work and your son's profile is very similar to some of his most successful supplement treatment cases.
http://www.walshinstitute.org/aboutus.asp
Thank you for sharing your story. I read most of the answers and I didn't see anything questions raised about the effects of diet on one's mental health. As a nutritional therapy practitioner, I would be curious to know if you monitor his food intake closely. there is mounting evidence that food dyes, additives, preservatives, candida overgrowth, fungus, parasites create havoc in one's already unstable mind, but food allergies and sensitivities need to be explored in depth.
Blessings.
Michael may have Borderline Personality Disorder and DBT (Dialecticical Behavior Therapy) skills training has made a world of difference for these individuals. (I am not a mental health professional just familiar with BPD because some friends are affected by nit.) In any case, contact your local NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) chapter for resources and most of all for support. They can help you find a counselor that teaches DBT skills. Also, if you learn them you will be able to interact with your son in ways that are less likely to escalate his behaviors.
Well communicated. As a mother of four boys, I'm so thankful that they are physically and mentally healthy. I contacted The White House and shared your link. Thank you for sharing.
I am also another of Adam Lanza's mothers. I would love to have another Mom in my corner, and am always looking for support, to give and receive. If you want to see my blog, it's http://momof32typical1funky.blogspot.com/
I would love to connect with you. Let me know if that would be at all in the cards. And I am careful about who in my own circle knows my situation, so I understand the vetting process.
--Kathryn
wow my heart goes out to you since i know something of this ,
i am a little concerned about writing this ,,,, she reads and writes books yes a she and she is incredibly talentd we are older what a disaster,
it began with her telling her drug smuggling buddies that i was a competing drug dealer in response to bailing on the relationist.
i was a businessman for 50 years so an unlikely drug dealer but such are her powers of persuasion they actually believed her and i was attacked.
we put in an extensive security system which saved us in the home invasion that shortly followed .
then things stepped up in the form of 14 helicopter incursions by her smuggler buddies which is highly unnerving
the police here are ... well.. not quite right shall we say and they face to face threatened my life not to mention 10 criminal charges. all charges dismissed at serious cost ... zero convictions they were intimidation tactics they of course take money they run the interference .. and how.
i hired 5 detective agencies and collected enough evidence they could not enter a courtroom.
i could go on but that little sample above illustrates a situation that lasted seven determined years of relentless multifaceted and incredibly clever terror tactics. i broke down ... my partner expressed it somatically by getting cancer.
The point is its not just boys and men women operate with more cunning and probably far less violence generally but i expect its the same thing filtered differently
we read all the books Cleckley Hare ADHD tomes ASpergers Autism and are left confused in fact stunned PTSD etc.
Respectfully whoever is home in the head of this person at least in my experience is regrettably not human . They look it and there the resemblance ends imho they are almost another creature a forward statement for which i apologise but this was my experience.
They are stunningly smart psychopaths almost preturnaturally devious as adults and have that combination of superficial charm and virtually incalculable evil that is truly something to behold . They are from elsewhere and they are born not made .My thoughts are with you i was lucky not to find a tall building, it was a close run thing.
vamoose1@gmail.com
I too was thinking GAPS... if you've never read it, I suggest reading "Gut and Psychology Syndrome" - it specifically addresses diet to help mental conditions.
You are a warrior mama! Your courage inspires me!!
Thank you for writing this. You are an incredibly strong person, to live with what you do every day and still have the love to do whatever you can to help your son. And you must be even stronger to take the time to write this article. I'm sure it will help lots of parents in similar situations, and I really hope that it helps all of us talk about - and DO something about - the mental health system.
As a social worker, I have worked with children with very similar behaviors, and the parents. I just want to give you a HUGE kudos and tell you that my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing - THIS is the kind of thing people need to read and be aware of so that we can collectively work to change this sorry system.
Thank you for this eloquent post about a difficult subject. I believe you are right - we need to stop using prisons to "help" the mentally ill.
This is a powerful story that everyone should read. There is no easy fix. It is complicated. But what I believe for sure is that BOTH guns and mental health is in need of a radical change.
My heart goes out to the anarchist soccer mom. I understand why she compared herself to the Conn. Shooter’s mom (as well as the other moms of shooters) but I feel it is not the same. I can only comment by what is told in the media and the conn shooters mom was as disturbed as he was and irresponsible. It is never easy to do the right thing by and for our children but we must.
We can only heal from this and gain a better world by living with compassion and teaching our children by our behavior how to have compassion and empathy for others, even when behavior how to have compassion and empathy for others, even when it is uncomfortable, awkward, or inconvenient. We must remember the innocent who were lost in conn this week and live our lives in their honor and memory so their life cut too short is not in vain. Each and every one of them lived a legacy of devotion to others, joy, and innocence and we all must now carry the torch in their memory. If we all take action in our own small worlds to help and others with humanity, love, and assistance when needed this world can indeed become a better place and get back on tract. It isn’t easy but it is simple.
If each and every one of us found a small way in our own backyard to make a difference we will have grown and learned from the legacy given us by those lost. In the words of DeVon Franklin "we are only in control of two things.. How we prepare for what might happen and how we respond to what just happened. The moment when things actually do happen belongs to God" You don't have to believe in God, I’m not preaching. But you do have to own your human responsibility when you were given life on this earth. Every life is a miracle unto itself which we must hold responsibility for, including those mentally incapacitated to help themselves. We must believe in a source bigger than ourselves and live and act for the betterment of others and the future generation of our children.
Miracles can only be manifested and noticed when we believe in its possibility. Forward movement only manifests from hope and being of service to others on a regular basis, not just in the light of the holiday season. I believe in hope with the importance of keeping faith. I believe in the miracle of healing when I cannot feel it. I believe in the importance of living a life of service for humankind.
I choose a position of strength and healing in place of anger, for anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. If we fill our intention with service to other we will be lucky enough to notice the miracles and collectively manifest a better future. --- I AM A VERY PROUD AND GRATEFUL MOTHER OF THREE WONDERFUL CHILDREN
My heart goes out to you--I can't even imagine what you must be going through--but THANK YOU so much for sharing this. But I feel it needs to be shown to the people in Congress and the president--they are the ones that make our laws and I totally 100% that things need to change with our mental health system! God bless you and your family!
Thank you so much for sharing, and I agree with you totally. Guns are a problem here in America, but the major issue behind this most recent and other tragedies is the issue of mental illness. I have been saying for so long that the prisons are filled with mentally ill patients. Hopefully, your message and millions of others will reach our law makers! You are not alone. Even those innocent children being gunned down individually accidentally on the south side of Chicago and in the streets of New York, and LA are being gunned down by the same. Mental illness knows know color.
I would seriously suggest looking into some type of diet modification. There are several diets that have had profound success with behavioral issues like Autisim and ADHD. The SCD diet or special carbohydrate diet is one. The GAPS diet is another. There are also other medical treatments outside the mainstream medical establishment like Accupunture, Aryuveda
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family, My nephew exhibits these same actions towards my sister, he was diagnosed at age 4 with autism.
I have thought the same thoughts you have, although my son's choices are along the lines of substance abuse to cope with his mental illness, rather than guns. When the Colorado movie shooting happened, my 22-year old son was in the throes of a psychotic break, in a jail where I helped put him after he robbed me and I pressed charges. At the time of the latest shootings, he finds himself in the state psychiatric hospital - safe, at least, for now. I weep for our sons, just as I weep for the innocents in Connecticut and Colorado. I hope you have a great support network - in my case, there is Alanon as well as NAMI, and they have saved my sanity.
Read Rickie by Rickie Flach Hartman and Dr. Fredrick Flach
Everyone commenting here (and the blogger) absolutely needs to read Gut and Psychology Syndrome by Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride. Many of the mental disorders that are arising in greater numbers in kids are caused by poor nutrition and Leaky Gut Syndrome. Omitting the most common food allergens (grains, beans, dairy) and sugar, and consuming fermented foods, bone broths, organ meats beings the intensive healing that is required to alleviate symptoms of mental illness and behavior disorders.
We need to stop doping up our kids with heavy drugs and deal with the real issue behind behavior problems: bad nutrition, leaky gut, and poor parenting skills.
The boy sounds like he would be better off in a group home setting, unfortunately. My sister had a foster boy that was violent, and when he got stronger than her, she couldn't handle him anymore, and put him in a group home setting. It was really the best thing that could happen, as now he is an adult and now enrolling in college.
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0072/0072_01.asp
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0005/0005_01.asp
I don't know if anyone has yet, but I'd also like to speak from the side of the mentally ill. I have been hospitalized twice in my life, luckily by my own volunteering. I have Bipolar 1 with Psychotic features, ADHD, and seizures. Both times I have been hospitalized, my psychosis was compelling me to kill others and then myself. I count myself in the truly lucky ones - I got scared and hid in a bedroom both times until someone convinced me the hospital could help me. But there are so many people that I met while in the hospital who are not so lucky. One woman tried to run her fiance over in a bipolar rage. Another tried to take his own life. They were all there on what's called a police hold. And all of them, by day 3, were so incredibly grateful to be there. They were getting their meds fixed up, and started to feel like 'normal' people again. I was getting my meds fixed up, and was thankful that I wasn't psychotic anymore. One thing that comforts me though: If I'm ever truly out of control, the police can put you on a hold in a mental hospital, which means you cannot leave until they say so. And this protects us. But for some, that isn't enough. In the area where I live, I don't have a psychiatrist nearby. I'll have to drive 3 hours for an appt. But what if I need emergency care and and the beds in the hospital an hour away are full? What if I'm truly out of control and I need more help then the hospital (which is not equipped for patients deemed a high risk to others) can do? Being put in jail won't help. Micheals Mother is doing so wonderfully. But unfortunately, sometimes that is simply not enough. And our country needs to realize that. an alarmingly large amount of the world popuation (15 percent in some projections) is mentally ill. out of those, another percent is deemed 'highly dangerous'. But what do we have to help them that doesn't cost an arm and a leg? I agree with Micheal's mom. We all - the mentally ill and their caregivers - need help. And we need someone to help us. But where are they right now? That's what needs to be thought about. Thank you for your insight as a mother, I couldn't thank you enough for raising awareness about this side.
I picked out all the tips that I agree with from my own experience: Rule out whether there is a physical basis for his behavior. That can range from changing to an organic, wholesome diet, checking his hormone balance--especially his adrenal glands--choosing nutrients over pharmaceuticals which can exacerbate violent behavior, looking into his vaccine history as a possible cause of his mental illness, using medical cannabis which can be added to food, avoid white sugar, white flour in sodas, breads, processed foods. Look at documentaries like "Food Matters," Forks Over Knives," "The Gerson Therapy," "Genetic Roulette."
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0072/0072_01.asp
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0005/0005_01.asp
I'm currently in school working towards social work, and situations like this are why. Society wants to put all the blame and responsibility on parents, but offers no resources to help. Why is jail or commitment to a mental hospital the only options? It's so sad, sad for the parents, and sad for the kids.
I picked out all the tips that I agree with from my own experience: Rule out whether there is a physical basis for his behavior. That can range from changing to an organic, wholesome diet, checking his hormone balance--especially his adrenal glands--choosing nutrients over pharmaceuticals which can exacerbate violent behavior, looking into his vaccine history as a possible cause of his mental illness, using medical cannabis which can be added to food, avoid white sugar, white flour in sodas, breads, processed foods. Look at documentaries like "Food Matters," Forks Over Knives," "The Gerson Therapy," "Genetic Roulette."
I was led here by Facebook, I feel for you, more definitely needs to be done about mental illness. When people ask for help, help should be given, and people who care should not be dismissed. They (you) are the ones who know what will eventually happen. Thank you for sharing. I have mental health problems and I know there is not enough help, not in the States or here in the UK
I am a former legal aid lawyer who dealt with a pretty good sized population of people with mental illness and their families. I was in Stockton, California on Friday and I instantly was brought back to the place of remembering when a young man who had attended an elementary school in the area as a child came back to shoot up the yard,killing and injuring some of the children.
The political gridlock on this can only stop when the communities take action. This article needs to be sent to every member of Congress and the members of every state's legislature.
To the writer, thank you for sharing your son's story. May, he you and your other children get the help they need.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. We must address the needs of people with mental illness, and soon.
Please, please, please contact me. I have similar issues with my almost 13 year old and am trying to make others aware of how inadequate the sydtem really is. My son is currently in acute care. He's had a couple of residential stays that were shortened due to insurance saying he had to leave. The good programs arent covered by insurance, my state has agencies that wont help, and I keep trying to convince people that he needs help now before it becomes too late. Criminal justice will only teach him how to be a criminal. Thay isnt the 'help' he needs.
thank you for this report, I agree with you - the discussion is necessary. Greetings from Germany / Europe
You have highlighted a vital need for change in this beautifully written and bravely shared spotlight on mental illness. Oh, how wonderful it would be if it weren't considered "brave" to discuss and deal with illnesses that carry stigmas (and there are plenty of them). Bless you for sharing so openly. Let's hope for change!
Thank you. I agree that confronting mental illness is the answer. I hope you get the help you need and that our country can put an end to this violence.
Skookum John said...
"In the 1970s, Ronald Reagan pioneered the closing of mental hospitals in California."
This is a filthy lie.
Deinstitutionalization was a liberal initiative that began before Reagan ever took office. Reagan, like Kennedy, made the mistake of listening to the bearded-weirdo left-wing psychologists who gave us the Community Mental Heath Act of 1963.
Dear John,
CMHA of 1963 did the very thing conservatives demand - less federal government, more states rights and responsibilities. Clearly JFK was incorrect in believing that the states could either afford or address the needs of the mentally ill effectively. Then, Reagan also acted upon another conservative talking point - reduce entitlements and welfare which cut even more spending as states had to then be even more frugal with what limited funds they had to help.
Thank you for writing what I could never say. I too also have a son that has mental issues and has been in and out of children mental hospitals for years. He was constantly trying to kill his 1-2 yr old little brother and even had a plan set in place to kill me. All this done with no conscious and coldness of an evil killer. I sent him away for almost a full year and half to get the treatment I felt he needed. I also med washed him, believing every medication he had been given, including black box labels were only enhancing his mental illness and not helping.
He was only 9-10 yrs old at the time and professionals had put him on adult full strength levels. He has been home now almost a full year and yes the out of home treatment has done wonders, but I still see evil in his eyes when I disciplined him.
I have expressed in the past that I know one day my son will be the one that will do something horrendous but to protect his father, brother, sister and myself, I want people to see that with the paper trail of doctors, medications, in-patient treatments, out of home placement,no weapons owned by either parent, locks on the sharps drawer in the kitchen and rehabilitation that I did all I could do.
My heart to you and understand YOU do what you do because you are his mother and love him. But understand that one day he will be an adult and will make his own choices in life and you may not be there. You need to protect your other children and yourself and just pray.
Huggs and understanding,
Phyllis
Thank you for having a safety plan for your other children. My mother was a widow with 5 kids who worked all the time. Knowing how my older brother was violent, but not knowing it was mental illness (having grown up with mentally ill parents, to her it was 'normal') she had no plan to protect the rest of us. Like many mentally ill children, he chose a favorite victim, and that victim was me.
Parents so often forget that they have to protect their other children as well as take care of the one who is sick. Hopefully, your other children will appreciate this.
I think more than mental illness these kids need Emotional Balance.. and better values system & culture..
http://www.artofliving.org/in-en/youth-empowerment-seminar-yes
I weep for you and so many others. I know what you are talking about. My granddaughter suffers with this problem-she is autistic-she is mute and she is vuneralbe . I am greatly worried about what is going to happen to her in the years to come. She can't live by herself and no one is going to want to be her care giver as she becomes stronger and less controlable.
I'm a retired Soldier and combat veteran. In the Pentagon 9/11, IED hit on the first day out, too many suicides and memorial services to count. I'm better, but I battle with the poly-diagnoses every veteran with PTSD has.
You and I are on completely opposite sides of the political fence, but that's why I'm especially grateful for your piece on the atrocity in CT. We have seven English degrees in my family and my own recovery journal is over 300 pages and 100,000 hits. Your piece is some of the finest writing I have ever seen and its thrust, long overdue. Thank you.
Veteran in Recovery
I am also in agreement that the discussion about guns has to continue and not stop until some corrective action is taken. We can all be totally insane at certain times, and if we happen to have a gun handy, it is all to easy to resort to violence and in a moment lives are lost. Mass murders have never happened with knives or fists. Certain politicians quake at the thought of going up against the NRA....what total bull*!!%$@*
It's time all of us stood up and made our voices heard. But first, get our own acts together. If we are in relationships that are violent and don't seek counseling or group therapy, or we buy our kids violent video games and don't take them on trips to the country to explore the wonders of mother nature...then we only have ourselves to blame.
Thank you for the courage to share your story in attempt to bring attention to this issue. This most certainly is an issue of mental health and not gun control. People are quick to jump to the most obvious solutions because they don't want to be bothered with the bigger picture. The solutions are too big for people to wrap their minds around; they go with the easy fix so they can sit back and say they tried, until the next tragedy. Sadly, I know a woman who also tried to get help for her son for years to no avail, until he murdered a classmate. I hope that your blog will convince some people to start looking harder at the bigger picture and understand that this is going to take much, much more work than restricting gun ownership. People with mental health issues will find illegal guns or they will make bombs or use poison, whatever. We are never going to be able to take away all of the tools that someone might use to kill. Bless you and your family. I hope you get the help you seek.
Thanks for sharing this...
Please, please, please check out mercury and heavy metal toxicity. Please, please, please find a way to detox your son. I haven't read all of the (over a thousand) comments here, and I don't know if anyone else has suggested this, but please look into it. I know it sounds simplistic, but heavy metal poisoning is increasing exponentially due to LOTS of different factors in today's world. PLEASE don't listen to anyone who says that meds can help. You have seen that they don't help the underlying problem.
I wish you good luck and send prayers for you and your family.
Thank you for this post. My 13 year old has been hospitalized since October for similar behavior. I happen to work in the mental health field and not only do I feel shame but also desperation for her future.
I am learning more and more about our system.My son has Asperger's and ADHD with anxiety. He had a psychiatrist that was on a fellowship. He was phenomenal, but once his fellowship was over so was my son's time with him. I was told he had to go back on a waiting list and hope that he can get in. The waiting list is up to 6 months long(He is still on the list for two places). His former pediatrician worked at Children's Memorial and was also phenomenal, she decided to leave and work at the hospital to train the new doctors coming in. Her replacement is a good pediatrician, but is not comfortable providing prescriptions for his medication, nor will she provide an increase due to the fact it is a controlled substance. This controlled substance helps with his anxiety. So, what is a parent supposed to do? To bring him to the emergency room and have him admitted. For what? He does not act out! He is not hurting anyone! He is not breaking windows or hurting animals! He just needs a slight increase. So, maybe it is time now to make sure our voices are heard by city, state and federal government. I have common sense and know we are not going to cure everyone, but at least we can educate, evaluate and support people and their families.
Thank you for sharing your story. Great blessings to you.
Dear Michael's Mother,
My grandson had similar symptoms but was much younger when we found a miraculous program.
Diet, behavior training, being active and in nature.
Please check on brain balance--see link below.
http://www.brainbalancecenters.com/
Sincerely, Ellen
And in your experience you've never wondered what your child could do? She changed her son's name. She brought fears a lot of parents have into words to explain the situation to others. Keeping things like this 'secret' does nothing to help make things better.
And she's not throwing her child under the bus. If she were doing that, she'd have given up a long time ago.
Macey's comment is not a legit allegation. It's a lot of PRESUMPTIONS based on Macey's own history... and that of a female. The killings are done by MALES. NOT the same thing.
This mother is in a special hell. She has other children, other people, to be concerned about, while still loving her son. Making her into the villain is NOT fair or accurate.
thank you for taking the time to share this.
Brain chemistry disorders are difficult, and can have many causes. My nephew had such a problem, that was triggered by use of marijuana. Even second-hand mj smoke would, after some time (it wasn't instantaneous) trigger an episode. He would have audio and visible hallucinations, and get angry/violent and convinced that everyone around him was working with the Devil to destroy him... During one such episode, he had to be subdued by several police officers, and broke the arm of one of them - and he is not a big person. Over the years, he has learned to deal with his situation, and no longer associates with MJ users, has a long-term relationship with a nice lady, and has reconciled with his family - I will visit him at my sisters house (his mother) this Christmas. Don't give up hope. Try alternatives. Look at the environment (some environmental factor may be triggering, or enhancing his condition). They are our children, even if we can no longer live with them. It took many years before my sister could have him back in her house after he tried to kill her once. Things can change for the better...
This child, Michael, seems to be facing a demon from hell and needs to be cast out right now!! Stop calling demons mentally ill people and see it for what it is...God have mercy on us.
thank you so much for sharing this.
You, your other children and the world at large deserve to be protected from your genius IQ, Harry Pottet-loving son.
While its lovely that he is remorseful and sweet afterwards - so are men who beat their wives.
File charges. Protect yourself. Protect society. It sounds like it is just a matter of time until he irreparably harms another person because he doesn't want to put on a sweater or McDonalds is out of mcnuggets or his lab parented tells him he's an idiot.
As sad as this is, I think it's a red herring at a moment when we should focus on keeping weapons and ammo whose only purpose is rapid, efficient, slaughter, off the market entirely. it's tragic that people are afflicted with mental illness, but when people are afflcted with mental illness in Belgium or Ireland or almost anywhere else in the world, they cannot get a gun with relative ease so that their private tragedy becomes our public one. It would be great to open up a productive discussion on how better to diagnose, treat, and maybe even prevent mental illness. But it would be a tragedy to link up this complex and emotional topic with the public policy issues associated with efforts to criminalize weapons of mass slaughter. We have momentum right now to talk about guns in this country as we prepare for 26funerals here in Connecticut. Please. Do not slow this down by throwing a complicated and divisive issue like mental illness into the mix. It will play right into the hands of the NRA. Edit
Another challenge with mental illness in young people is that a diagnosis puts the family into a much higher rate of health insurance costs by insurance companies. If a single parent quits a job to stay home with a mentally ill child, the parent loses job-related group health insurance, and may not even be eligible for private health insurance. Obamacare will help with this issue, but public insurance pools may be the only affordable option.
My prayers go out to you. I'm a student doing psychology and neuroscience research on kids and adults with descriptions just like Michael's, but can't pretend that I understand what it's like to be in your situation. You are a strong and wise woman and I can only hope to be half as amazing when I have my own children. I agree 100% that even though it's harder to talk about, we need to start the conversation. Thank you so much for posting!
As sad as this is, I think it's a red herring at a moment when we should focus on keeping weapons and ammo whose only purpose is rapid, efficient, slaughter, off the market entirely. it's tragic that people are afflicted with mental illness, but when people are afflcted with mental illness in Belgium or Ireland or almost anywhere else in the world, they cannot get a gun with relative ease so that their private tragedy becomes our public one. It would be great to open up a productive discussion on how better to diagnose, treat, and maybe even prevent mental illness. But it would be a tragedy to link up this complex and emotional topic with the public policy issues associated with efforts to criminalize weapons of mass slaughter. We have momentum right now to talk about guns in this country as we prepare for 26funerals here in Connecticut. Please. Do not slow this down by throwing a complicated and divisive issue like mental illness into the mix. It will play right into the hands of the NRA.
Thank you for speaking up for us! Your story is so familiar... it could be ours!
I am so sorry for what you are going through you must be exhausted. I pray for you and for wisdom.
I don't think doctors and social workers know how to handle this.
I really encourage you to look into GAPS it is a protocol of healing ones body. The majority of seratonin receptors are along the gut not in our brain.
In my GAPS support, I have seen dyspraxic(non verbal) find their voice. 2 kids in our group are undiagnosible now with their autism.
It isn't the whole answer probably but it has been life changing. God bless you.
Perhaps reducing the male hormone level in these persons would go some way to reducing their violence. Maybe not all the way, but if you look at the difference between Female and Male reactions, I suspect that the difference will support this idea.
I pray for the day when the world wakes up and see's that all of this is caused by vaccines, amalgam fillings in the mother's mouth passed onto the child in the womb, and flu shots. www.noamalgam.com. These children are sick with gut issues. Read a great book called "Gut and Psychology syndrome" written by a doctor who cured her daughter using only food as her medicine.
Thank you soccer mom. There but for the grace of God go any of us. I wish you and your son all the best.
Yes!!!!! If you start a petition here I'll sign it. I want parents with potentially violent kids to be able to get help for their kids and their families (and for society at large. Mom's can prevent things like this shooting better than police can, but only with help. That's where I want my tax dollars to go.
I was wondering if you would contact me...we have a 7 year old very much like what you have described and I have been seeking another mom to connect with....i am pleading with you to plz contact me.....malyndahardgrove@yahoo.com
thank you.
Your son's behavior sounds like something I read about some time ago, but far more complex, and harrowing. I can't think of a soft way to put this, and though the connection is extremely remote in likelihood, have you had your son's brain scanned for a tumor?
I would also like to thank you for pointing out the real issue behind the current shootings, but I have an unfortunate confidence it will be ignored for the ever popular issue of guns.
For what it's worth, you have my sympathy.
That you have chosen to say these things about your son, regardless of their accuracy is inappropriate. That you have also posted a photo of your son onto your blog is beyond the pale. Whatever happens with your son he will at one point see the things you have said about him, he will know that you have compared him to murderers. You need to focus more on being a parent and less on publicly airing your issues. Your child's issues stem from your parental ineptitude. Shame on you.
First off, thank you for your bravery. This is what being a mother is about, unconditional love. I hope this information won't offend you in any way, but I just finished reading a book regarding this subject from a different viewpoint. Although I don't agree with the sensationalized title it's called: 'Entity Possession' (Freeing the Energy Body of Negative Influences) by Samuel Sagan, M.D.. It's NOT like what it sounds like. I really think you might find some answers here.
Many Blessings on your journey.
First off, thank you for your bravery. This is what being a mother is about, unconditional love. I hope this information won't offend you in any way, but I just finished reading a book regarding this subject from a different viewpoint. Although I don't agree with the sensationalized title it's called: 'Entity Possession' (Freeing the Energy Body of Negative Influences) by Samuel Sagan, M.D.. It's NOT like what it sounds like. I really think you might find some answers here.
Many Blessings on your journey.
Children are like tape recorders. They aren't "taught" the bad language, they acquire it, and there is no way to keep them from acquiring words that they seize onto as hurtful.
Although I'm not a parent, I can empathize with your struggle, because as a middle school teacher I have seem the whole spectrum of mental disorders and disabilities for ten years. I can also understand the frustrations of others about not wanting to blame ourselves (as a society) for the actions of mass murderers, because it takes away from the demonization of them that we seem to need in order to find answers.
Right now, I have a student in my sixth grade class very much like "Michael." It has gotten to the point where I vehemently wish he would attack me (as opposed to another student), because that's the only way the school system would be forced to take notice of his mental health issues that aren't being addressed.
Many of the other students are afraid of him, he has daily outbursts that prevent ANY learning from happening in the room (swearing, shouting, threatening to kill someone), and yet the school does nothing but remind us that there are no additional supports available for him (beyond some paperwork in his file that spells out his disabilities and how he has been dealt with in previous years)... in 8 years, he'll be 20 -- what will he be then, I wonder?
Extremely well written article! I read it in its total and complete entirety.--Very sorry that you're having so much difficulty w/your son.
I remember you stated that your son, Michael, has been on so many types of pills/drugs to hopefully alleviate his state of mind/behavior and still to supposedly 'no avail' has this 'helped him.' For starters, and with all due respect, you 'ended' your article with the words: 'God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.' ...Again, with all due respect, I am a VERY Spiritual person and in short, I've 'experienced' the spiritual world TANGIBLY. It DOES exist! And there's 'good and bad' spirits. Have you entertained the possibility of your child/Michael possibly needing a 'spiritual cleansing' (if you get my implication here)..because when 'bad spirits' have a chance to slip into someone's body (because of negative conditions, attitudes,etc) they will! And they will cause that person to raise all kinds of havoc. Again, with all due respect, if you TRULY meant that you want GOD to help you, then seek out a Catholic priest (most of them perform 'spiritual cleansings' (I don't want to use that 'E' word as much as I'm alluding to that possibly being the case with your son), but it's not just Catholic priest that perform these, but you can go to 'religious retreats' etc. even, where they perform these. I PROMISE you, this may be a POSSIBILITY w/your beautiful son and I've only said everything here that I've said OUT OF TOTAL AND DEEP CONCERN 4 YOUR SON. ...TRULY...'MAY God help you, your son, and us all as a whole human species on this planet. Ah-men. P.S. With God...ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE...and 'he made us, can break us, and remake us'...stick with him--JesusChrist/God...and you'll NEVERRR GO WRONG. Again...Amen and God Bless. (If you are on Twitter, feel free to follow me, at: beachbum4ever --Thank you.
God bless you and your son. This is incredibly powerful - and it's abt the only thing i've read since the shooting thst makes any sense at all.
Bless you for your honesty and for sharing your story. I am a Child Protection Worker in southern Ontario Canada. The lack of mental health care is a problem here also. I have worked with many children like your son. Society needs to realize that these problems are real and that ignoring them will not make it go away. We need awareness and we need better treatment options for children with mental illnesses.
I am a criminal defense lawyer for juveniles. I've heard parents say they get told the child has to be convicted of a crime to get help or the last 23 years. The area I live in refuses to admit minors to the local mental health hospital. There is nowhere for them unless you cross a state line or a county line. Child Protective Services staff are overwhelmed with the numbers of these kids and refuse to place them. Some parents have told me Child Protective Services have threatened to take the non-ill siblings out of the home rather than deal with the ill child. Our juvenile probation department has one of the best mental health focused teams there are and they can't keep up with these kids either. Even where parents are lucky enough to be able to succeed in multiple hospitalizations there seems to be NO long term effective help that actually FIXES this. I am baffled at why so many kids are like this right now. It seems there are more and more each year.
Marilynn Manfra's comment is RIGHT!
Hello, I know exactly what the problem of your son is and, good news, he is NOT mentally sick. I repeat: HE IS NOT SICK. The problem of your son is that he is a SODIQUE LUETIQUE TUBERCULINIQUE.
What the hell is that, you ask? Well, basically it means that the way his thought is structured makes him over reacting to certain kind of emotions. And, other good news, there is a medicine for that. Actually there is even hundred of doctors in the U.S and thousands all over the world who know what this mean. To make a long story short, a "sodique luetique tuberculinique" is a certain kind of structure in homeopathy medicine. The problem in fact is that you're looking in the wrong direction, not for the right medicine. How do i know it? Because I was EXACTLY like him. Now i'm 58 and after having spent the last 20 years to study the homeopathy structures i can tell you it's the "missing link" in the reason why we ae what we are. I'm not homeopath myself ( i'm publisher) but i can tell you that homeopathy is so genius that it is closer to quantum physics than medicine as we know it. Basically they found how - and why - the thought is structured.
If your son follows a homeopathic treatment it won't damaged the part of genius of his mind, what will change is only this "emotional over reacting" side that transform his "angel" side in devil In less than five seconds, because that's what is happening, right? He can be the coolest kid in the word and suddenly becomes highly destructive, right? Well, that's typical of the structure. The good point is that this structure can have a lot of genius. And the bad one is that it can turn in "full destruction mode" in five seconds. But there is a reason why it does, and the reason is because a certain kind of thought - or FEAR - has entered his mind and the way this particular structure is reacting is in a destructive way.
But, frankly, on a homeopathy angle, your son is a pretty simple case. Even me who is not homeopath it took me five seconds to understood where the problem was. But it's also true that i have the same structure than him, so it was easy to understood his symptoms...
Right now i'm on a break but i will be back home in two days. Send me an email at: lawrence55@wanadoo.fr and i will be pleased to tell you more and help you. And, again, don't panic, your son is not dramatically sick!
I'm also the mother of Adam Lanza. When I read about Connecticut, my heart went out to that 20 year old boy as it goes out to my own son who is suffering with so much pain. Its almost impossible to get help for him or for me. THis isn't a crime about guns. Its a crime about our mental health system.
I believe you're correct about the course of any discussion after the massacre in Newtown. The focus should be on mental health - but also the collective mental health of the USA. This country is the leading producer and exporter of weapons, especially guns, and as our bombs and bullets kill thousands of Kindergarten aged children around the world we certainly have reasons to discuss more than just the mental health of potential murderers here at home, but also the insanity of our society in promoting violence around the world, arming military groups, states and terrorists, and watching as they slaughter innocents - calling it "security." We need to discuss more than our own domestic mental health, but the world's under our influence and power. The USA is still the "greatest purveyor of violence" as Martin Luther King Jr. III pointed out in 1967.
I am one of those "free public babysitters" at a school for teenagers with behavior problems. I so agree with you! These kids don't stand a chance in our system. We try hard at the school, but in the end the system does not support us or the kids for that matter. It's discouraging!
Travis - you are clearly uneducated and have not had the joy and pain of knowing an individual with mental illness. Volunteer at the local mental health facilities for a bit and see if your understanding stays the same.
I am the mother of a 22 year old and this sounds a lot like my life story...She suffers from mental illness and has been through the whole gambit of medications. Drug addiction has also been an issue, since street drugs are often the only thing that would stop the voices in her head. Although a new medication(for her) added to her current cocktail is helping tremendously, and it seems like we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I have learned not to get my hopes up, take one day at a time and continue to pray...pray ..pray...We did finally get some help through a NAMI advocate a few years back, so please don't hesitate to contact them and take care of yourself in this whole process....The stories we could share I'm sure. Please don't ever hesitate to contact me if you ever need an ear or prayer, anytime. I'm not sure how this blog thing works, but I feel assured we could connect if it is meant to be. You will be in my prayers and never give up hope! Too many do and that, I am sure is never the right answer!
Please be in touch with Ross Greene, Associate Clinical Professor in Psychology in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and the author of The Explosive Child. http://www.livesinthebalance.org
Although my son has never been a violent threat or threatened my life or the life of another, I do, very much know the struggles with the mental health care system in this country. My son struggled in school with learning disabilities & behavioral issues. He also had a fascination with fire & we were scared to live in a home with him for some time. My son has been in 3 residential treatment facilities with other children with serious mental health issues ranging from violent outbursts much like your son, to children who have run away enough times for them to be considered a crime. My son was taught & saw some horrific things from being lumped together with others with violent mental health issues. He was bullied, threatened & watched severe mental health breakdowns from kids threatening suicide to threatening to stab staff members to death. My sensitive, nonviolent son watched these horrific events by the dozens. He was locked in his room at night with roommates that would beat him or threatened to kill him. I don't know if residential treatment is the magic answer but under the circumstances it may be a temporary solution. Not only to give you & your family time to recover and recharge but to make sure your family is safe as well as for the safety for your son. I don't believe residential treatment helped my son although one group home had some positive effects. He is now 18 and has the mental capacity of a 14 yr old. Since turning 18 he no longer qualifies for health insurance through medicaid so he has none. I agree that charges of a crime are not the answer. In fact, that is how my son initially ended up in a residential treatment facility the first time at 13. He lit a piece of bark on fire across the street from our home on the sidewalk outside his school. This took place after school as he was playing hot potato with a few friends, yet only my son was charged & arrested. The principal of his school tried to charge him with school arson, which carries a felony charge bc I had opened up to her a month earlier about my sons fascination with fire & treatments he was undergoing at the time. He was arrested & locked up for 14 days when he had never spent any time away from home before. He was mentally about 9 yrs old but was actually 13. It was terrifying for him as well as our family. He was eventually only charged with "school disturbance". The courts were then in charge of what happened to our son. They made the decisions & if we disagreed we had to fight the court. My son was friendly, outgoing & very curious but could not function "properly" in our typical school environment. He was unable to sit for 6 hrs a day at a desk, with boundless energy & very short attention span. Some teachers adored him while others were impatient & down right mean. He was curious, smart & affectionate. He was an avid animal lover & still is. Although he began punching walls in the 3rd treatment center he is not typically a violent person. This was common practice of the boys he was in treatment with. I don't feel our mental health care system is anywhere close to where it needs to be but I do not feel residential treatment is the answer for our kids. I realize that it may be a temporary solution for a child in an acute stage of violent behavior but long term care is more damaging than helpful. From one mom to another, I am so sorry for the help you do not have, for the answers that seem to elude you, & for the fear you are being forced to endure. I have to say THANK YOU for the courage & strength you have to begin this conversation with your own personal story. May God protect your son & your family. May He send answers & guidance your way. May He put your article in the hands of those with the will & power to make serious change. You are in my prayers! ~KD
Your blog showed up on my Facebook newsfeed and struck a chord with me. So much of it was familiar, right down to being told that the only way to get her help was to have her charged. She tried all sorts of medication and none of it worked for her. None... in fact she was just getting worse. Not to say it can't help, it just wasn't helping her. The only thing that worked for her was dialectical behaviour therapy. She's doing a lot better now although she's still firmly convinced everything she did was in "self defense". I can live with that self-deception when it comes with her no longer threatening suicide or slashing herself with broken glass.
(((hugs))) and best wishes
Thank you for posting this. It takes a brave mom to open her personal pain to the world so that the rest of us can see what we may have otherwise been ignorant to. My heart goes out to you and your family.
I know that this is going to piss a lot of people off, but I think it bears mention.
You are receiving a lot of sympathy, but what about Michael? You have given him credit for his high IQ, but how often do you think of him as a miracle and not a mentally ill burden?
I am not accusing you or criticising, but empathy, a hug and a simple, sincere, "I love you no matter what," is enough to change the course of a child's life.
I promise that if you let him know properly and sincerely, without patronising or condescending, that you care, that you truly do not begrudge him and that you sincerely want what's best for him, not just the easiest solution for yourself; it will be the most meaningful thought he will ever hear expressed in his life.
Besides for food, shelter and air, love is the only need that is universal.
Thank you very much for writing about your son and your unwavering love for him. I hope that one day he understands the gift that you are to him.
I am in Canada, where closing and de-funding of mental health facilities has also resulted in many of those needing help ending up in prisons or homeless. Even before that, the stigma of difference, of any kind of mental health problem, was very difficult to manage and very isolating for families.
I am in my fifties. My brother was similar to your son in his inability to find a way to understand and flow with the status quo of things. He is dissimilar in not being a math or other genius, and left school as soon as soon as he was 16. His gift is in understanding the land.
As a child, I experienced many instances of first holding my brother when he was out of control, then, when he became too strong, locking myself in rooms, running from him, and navigating my life to watch for and try to prevent his outbursts. As a teenager and young adult, I narrowly escaped knife thrusts, bullets and his speeding truck chasing my car late at night on a dirt road, among many other such circumstances, including damage to many of my possessions. My mother and sister experienced similar things, including having all the windows in the house broken, money, bikes and other items stolen, beatings, and other things we have probably forgotten about.
Although spending some stints in jail for firearms and other offenses, my brother is now a solitary but functioning and respected bush man, hunter and guide, finding a lifestyle that lets him do things his way. He is loved, has shared his skills and abilities with us and others, and now leads a fairly balanced, if very unconventional, life. I am no longer afraid of him or what he might do, as he seems to have reached some kind of rough peace. He is not easy to know, has episodes of shutting down for extended periods, but has learned how to do this without harming others.
I know more than ever that we were very fortunate that it did not get worse than what it was, and that he did not end up killing others and/or himself. It came very very close.
I don't know what the answer is ... yes, a dialogue and some discussion to start.
I do believe that many children exhibiting an unusual balance of gifts and misunderstandings of norms CAN and do find a way, eventually, to live a good life. But it will not be a life that we can imagine in the confines of the typical models we impose on them.
I believe that our systems need to be much more flexible to accommodate those who do not do well in groups, in the very narrow models of education. They might be more able to realize their potentials, without harm, in supported solitary and small group situations. Alternate lifestyles, where families are supported, in a long term and sustainable way, in caring for their children without stigma or unrealistic cost. Schools and institutions are not the best way to provide this.
Worth repeating:
This is a filthy lie.
Deinstitutionalization was a liberal initiative that began before Reagan ever took office. Reagan, like Kennedy, made the mistake of listening to the bearded-weirdo left-wing psychologists who gave us the Community Mental Heath Act of 1963
First of all, thank you so much for writing this article and bringing mental illness into focus during this sad time.
I completely agree with everything you have written, and it strikes a personal note for me because of my little sister. My family adopted my little sister when she was two and I was eight. By that time she had been moved from foster home to foster home nine times. When she came to live with us, she barely spoke, had multiple health issues, and multiple behavioral issues (hitting, spitting, biting, kicking, hair pulling etc.)
Some of her behavioral issues went away with time, but most persisted. She was eventually labeled with RADS (reactive attachment disorder) and oppositional defiant disorder among others.
Her behavior escalated to the point that she threatened to kill my mom twice, once with a knife, and once by grabbing ahold of the wheel and driving the car off the road.
Now, she is almost 15 years old and at an emergency placement foster home. My mom has access to some state level resources because she is a foster mother, but the state basically said the same thing, my sister had to be convicted of something before she could get much help.
The situation was made worse by societies expectations. Every school my little sister attended growing up thought my mother was a bad mother because of the behaviors my sister exhibited. We have had child protective services called on us many times because of my sisters lies.
I love my sister, but she is sick and needs help. I don't think she deserves jail, but I also don't think that my family should have to go what she puts us through on a regular basis.
The state is thinking about terminating my mom's parental rights. That should not be the only option. The system needs to be fixed, so that these kids can get persistent reliable, constructive help early on.
First, my heart and thoughts go out to you.
Second, Paul Gionfriddo wrote an informative piece on how reforms that he worked for worsened the life of his schizophrenic son, that is worth reading - http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/my-son-is-schizophrenic-the-reforms-that-i-worked-for-have-worsened-his-life/2012/10/15/87b74a98-eadd-11e1-b811-09036bcb182b_print.html
Thank you so much for bravely and boldly telling your story. You are not alone. A dear friend struggle's with her son in the exact same ways only he is now bigger and stronger than she is. She too has all the sharp instruments stored and locked in one place. I fear everyday that he will accidentally kill her and/or himself.
My heart goes out to you and all those in similar positions. It's time this country stands up and fully supports you all.
First, my heart and thoughts go out to you.
Second, Paul Gionfriddo wrote an informative piece on how reforms that he worked for worsened the life of his schizophrenic son, that is worth reading - http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/my-son-is-schizophrenic-the-reforms-that-i-worked-for-have-worsened-his-life/2012/10/15/87b74a98-eadd-11e1-b811-09036bcb182b_print.html
Thank you for sharing. I send you all the patience and courage in the world, but it looks like you're already born a saint. Your son will get better.
Thanks again.
Nina
http://ohheynina.wordpress.com/
Liza, this is a really, really thought-provoking article; probably the only one I've read thus far that changed my opinion. I am definitely one of those individuals who placed the blame on firearms -- which I still believe a huge part of the problem -- but I ignored the other huge issue here when expressing my opinions about what happened this past week. Even as I'm writing this, as I read your article, everywhere I've gone and done the past few days, I start crying, uncontrollably. For some reason, the moment kids under a certain age become victims, it kills me, and all of us, I think. Loss of innocence at a young age, I guess. What I failed to realize was that Michael lost his innocence too, and like the kids who perished in the tragedy, he isn't being given a fair chance to possibly get it back. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. I guess I'm sorry for ignoring the other half of this issue. I guess I'm sorry for your son, for you, and all others in that situation. I wish I could help you so much it makes my heart burst like a balloon. I don't even know what the next step is here. I'm 25. What can I do? That's how I feel. We are such a great nation, yet we fail so miserably so often. Is prayer enough? No, I'm sorry, it's not enough. It helps, yes, maybe, I guess, but what can I do to take action in this HUGE problem? I hope you have a wonderful Christmas holiday, and just know that there are a lot of people out there like me who care about your son and you and all of American society and humanity in general. Let's figure out what to do. Really.
You are very brave, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Also, don't listen to those negative comments about your parenting. Everyone knows the internet is full of a-holes. Hang in there. Keep talking, with you OUTSIDE voice, until you are heard. I've heard you.
Good luck.
What part of her post "smacks of attention seeking histrionics"???? Yes I agree as parents in this age of sharing everything everywhere all the time, we need to protect our children from unhealthy attention. But your comment smacks more of the same old "dont talk about it" that I heard for years when I tried to get my family to recognize my mother's paranoid schizophrenia.
We NEED to talk about it. This country NEEDS to talk about it.
Have you ever dealt with someone close to you with a major mental illness?
Similar behavioural history in our home when my son was younger.
YOU CAN DO THIS. Members of my son's team made comments such as, "why don't you just put him in foster care" and "he'll likely never finish school" and "let the law deal with him". They were wrong. Time. Dedication. Support. Training. Community.
http://findthesimplethings.blogspot.ca/
No one is going to put a 13 year old in jail, thats why you need help now
Contact the University of Mass pain and stress clinic in Boston. He's a genius with a sick brain. His brain can be fix. Meditation has been performing miracules for thousands of years
Please try it. It may take years to see the full effect. But with medication to calm him until he can control himself, it will work. We all have the answers inside us.
Thank you for sharing your story about Michael. I am a mother of a 13 year old son as well. I have been deeply moved by the shootings in CT on 12-14-12 and I cannot sit by and do nothing about mental illness for another minute. So I am offering your son, free of charge, remote energy healing that I believe has the potential to help him improve the quality of his life and the life of all those he touches. I offer the energetic and frequency healing process called Transference Healing. All I need to know is your son's first name and date of birth in order to perform the healing sessions with him. Please contact me if you are willing to allow me to do this for him. I offer these services professionally at the moment but now I want to work with your son to see if we can make a difference for him and others like him. I offer this as my service to humanity. I make no guarantee but I have complete confidence in the ability of Transference Healing to create alchemical changes that produce seemingly miraculous results. Please email me at carla@heartselfhealing.com if you are interested in your son receiving remote healing sessions in the future. Many Blessings to you and your family
Liza,
You have spoken what I live/lived. Every time I've heard news of these shootings, I've always said, that is my child, that could have been the very child I gave birth to. I've made it 25 years without being killed by him. He has made it 25 years without killing any number of people and himself in a public display of pain. There were a many number of days I honestly didn't think I would see the next when he was not happy. He is now in the 'system' that was supposedly going to be the only road to "helping" both of us. Of course his record contains two issues of anger related domestic crimes. It has in turn only harmed him. He has seen jail. He has learned worse behavior. He at times is more threatening. He fights to find work. He is labeled a criminal instead of someone with mental health issues. He is also one of the most compassionate men I know. He is now a father. He also now lives back at home. Why, because I won't give up on him, if it cost me my own life in one of his fits of anger. I always pray when he gets upset that it will only be me he kills if it does get to that point.
Thank you for knowing what I know and live. I am also sorry that you do know these things. I am Adam Lanza's mother. I am also the mother of all those children lost. It is a thin line we walk parenting both.
You are very brave, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Also, don't listen to those negative comments about your parenting. Everyone knows the internet is full of a-holes. Hang in there. Keep talking, with you OUTSIDE voice, until you are heard. I've heard you.
Good luck.
So this is the hardest part for me to fathom as an Adam Lanza mom: would you consider it prudent to have assault weapons and handguns readilty accessable in your house?
maybe you should be less of a shitty parent and try talking to your kid instead of filling him with drugs that don't work, threatening him with institutionalization, and talking to him like he's an infant or an alien. i read your article, and i see no attempts by anyone anywhere to actually communicate with him.
Thank you for sharing. I will send you all the patience and courage in the world, but it looks like you're already born a saint. Your son will get better.
Thanks again.
Nina
http://ohheynina.wordpress.com/
I know such a child. Autisim is the catch-all diagnosis, but there was only one thing that made a difference in his behavior...a diet that excluded artificial colorings, flavorings and preservatives. Do a search on the Feingold Diet. It's a lot of work, but significantly less comes out of everyone's hide. The difference in this child was nothing short of amazing.
I would like to know why the child in question feels like this mother is sending him to hell when she takes him to the mental health ward. Thats the real question. What are these so called doctors doing to this child. He obviously is scared of this place and the people in it. Children even ones with mental health problems act out for a reason especially when they feel abused. Most mental health hospitals abuse there clients in one way or another. Take responsibility as a parent and actually find the reason why your child is terrified of this place and would be willing to take revenge on his own mother for sending him to HELL as he put it.
It's the SSRI meds that kids are prescribed any time they present with behavior problems that's at fault. Diagnosis and treatment prescription becomes a spinning wheel that's difficult to get off of. But not impossible! To get help, please find:
Ann Blake-Tracy, Executive Director of the International Coalition for Drug Awareness (www.drugawareness.org) Author: Prozac: Panacea or Pandora? - Our Serotonin Nightmare Withdrawal CD: Help! I Can't Get Off My Antidepressant! She has specialized since 1990 in adverse reactions to serotonergic medications (such as Prozac, Sarafem, Zoloft, Paxil, Luvox, Celexa, Lexapro, Effexor, Serzone, Remeron, Anafranil, Fen-Phen, Redux and Meridia as well as the new atypical antipsychotics Zyprexa, Geodon, Seroquel and Abilify), as well as pain killers, and has testified before the FDA and congressional subcommittee members on antidepressants.
I am astounded at the number of people who feel they can criticize this parent and her situation! Seriously folks, mental illness in children is not caused by parenting choice...it's mostly caused by genetics. And I don't' know about you but I did not have a whole hell of a lot of choice about my genes. Would you be bad mouthing the parent if her son had cancer or type 1 diabetes? The level of ignorance in this country about mental illness and the ways it can be treated is astounding.
So the hard part for me to grasp: How could 'mom' consider it sane to have assault weapons readily accessible in the house?
I am astounded at the number of people who feel they can criticize this parent and her situation! Seriously folks, mental illness in children is not caused by parenting choice...it's mostly caused by genetics. And I don't' know about you but I did not have a whole hell of a lot of choice about my genes. Would you be bad mouthing the parent if her son had cancer or type 1 diabetes? The level of ignorance in this country about mental illness and the ways it can be treated is astounding.
My heart and prayers are with you and the family. Please know that the government does not want to help anyone with mental disorders. They would rather lock them away, hope that they do something terrible while in custody so they can either kill them or keep them locked up for the rest of their lives. Its part of the New World Order. They want to decrease the population by 80%. Check out illumicorp. I will keep you in my prayers. Please email me if you would like to talk. dawn61472@yahoo.com...I will always be here for you. Dawn Ludwig
You're right and not only do we need to do something about mental illness but we need to go all the way to mental health.
We need to get treatment away from brain numbing drugs and look to those people in the health field who are restoring mental health through a variety of approaches and many are medical doctors who are trained in integrative medicine.
In the olden days, you'd just put em in a sack with some rocks and tie the sack shut and toss em in a lake. problem solved
My family has had a similar journey, and now my son is now a successful adult (employed, married & a good father of three girls). I don't think Macey was blaming mom for her son's underlying disorder, but rather was merely pointing out that how a parent's handling of anti-social behaviors might (unintentionally) contribute to the problem rather than help change things.
In response to my son's aggression, I tried a range of medications, diets, etc. and finally hit a wall when I thought that I was out of options. Residential care was considered when he was 11 but rejected due to the nightmare behind the locked doors of those facilities. By sheer luck during a social event, I met someone who provided training for therapeutic foster parents (the Teaching Family System pioneered at Boys’ Town), and he invited me and my husband to participate in that training for free. We also hired one of his social workers to serve as our case manager, coming to our home weekly to coach us in using this amazing behavior managing system. It taught us how to change our behaviors in order to change our son’s behaviors. At first things got worse (due to our son upping the anti in response to the way we changed how we behaved in response to his aggression) but within 6 weeks we turned a corner, and then things increasingly became better.
This system is designed to help children who don't generalize from experience by talking to them in pro social ways. It is recognized nationally as effective in addressing aggressive behavior due to a wide range of causes (our son had brain damage from an illness when an infant). It was the miracle that our family needed.
Thank you None None! You made me see things from my sons perspective!
In the good ole days what you could do is put em in a sack with some rocks, tie the sack closed and then toss em in a lake. problem solved
The constant struggle you are in is enormous. Thank you for being so honest. I don't have a son with a problem but a husband and it wasn't as extreme as your son but it was bad. We have been helped by the products from Neuro Science and some medication..here is a link and with the help of an expert in the country on use of these brain supplements and pharmaceuticals, and a deep understanding of what goes on in the brain, my life and the life of my husband is different. https://www.neurorelief.com/index.php?p=home It begins in the brain and what is going on in there...and the "getting jammed up...stuck" that goes on. There is help. Let me know if you want more information about the person and what we did. I know there is help for you. Noone should have to go it alone or with out help that really makes a difference.
This is a very good and important article for us to reduce this kind of violence by people who are developmentally disabled and mentally ill. HOWEVER, the real mother of Adam Lanza also had an assault weapon, handguns and ammunition that were accessible to her son. It's tragic that she was murdered. But if she weren't, she should be in prison.
Thank you for sharing your story. I see so much of my brother in your son. He, too, threatened murder and suicide when any little thing went wrong, verbally and physically abused family members on a daily basis, threatened us with knives- all of it. For him, what allowed him to deal with his emotions and be able to live a better quality of life was figuring out the right medications and seeing a psychologist regularly. This is not a one-size-fits all solution. I appreciate reading about others' experiences and what helped them, from the person who found nature to be healing to the one who suggested rolling a joint.
I also appreciate reading the comments of people who disagree with anarchist soccer mom and how she has dealt with her son. What she called for is a discussion of mental health/illness, and a discussion has more than one side- and not agreeing with the other side does not make their views any less worthy.
I have a daughter like that. Every time I see a story of some insanity, I feel for the parents: that could be me. She never got help. No one would believe me. She knows how to turn on the charm. She refuses psychiatric care. She refuses medicine. She's an adult now, at 27. She is still a genius, but making a series of decisions that have taken her out of university and into dull jobs. She's a single mother. I feel sorry for her son, her sisters know that eventually, they may have to take him in. I worry that the menial labor will make her snap. I feel responsible for the evil she inflicts on the world. But she's not an autism spectrum child. This is sociopathic behavior, not Aspergers. And I should know: in this family, Aspergers is common. Unfortunately her grandmother is the product of date rape. He was probably a sociopath, from descriptions...it's passed down to my daughter, & who knows what's next. Let me be clear- you have described my daughter, incidents that she easily could have taken part in. I used to control her the same way-by hugging her tight. She has the charm. I love her, dearly. But I don't trust her, no one in the family does, and we are afraid of her, for good reason. Look towards the mitigation of sociopathic tendencies & you may find a little relief. Good luck, and bless you for loving him so fiercely and still accepting that he has a real problem. (If you ever need someone to speak to who will actually believe you, feel free to contact me)
YOU ARE AN AMAZING PARENT! Disregard all the haters.
Thank you for sharing . As retired social worker and mental health worker I know that the response you are getting from these helpers is frustrating. I was often frustrated by giving these same responses--the feeling of impotence was awful. This country decided to take the approach of "least restrictive setting" for the mentally ill and unfortunately this has been interpreted as no restrictions until it is too late. I pray for you and your son.
My heart SO very goes out to you..... I also wear your shoes. The difference is that it is my daughter, who is sick. She is now 19, and one her own, to the degree that she can be. My sons are 10 and 11, and like your sons, grew up in fear. I do not know where you are located, but I highly recommend NAMI. http://www.nami.org/ They are an awesome resource and support, for families, and care providers of the mentally ill. Please see when their next Family to Family class is, in your area. It is a FREE 12 week course, and is outstanding.
I also was under constant attack, with my daughter. The lies are incredible, even more incredible, is that people believe the lies. It has been such a painful journey. <3
I am also a Mother with a female Child with what they say is ADHD and non-responsive to medications. So there for something else is wrong. I have been doing research on internet and I found a Book not saying that this book is going to change all of your problems. The book is "What's Eating Your Child?" by Kelly Dorfman.It's not a miracle book but it helped my child some she is Lactose and Gluten intolerant and after about a month it help with some of her anxiety and hyperactivity. I need to make a few more changes to her diet. I'm not saying it will take care of everything but it helped. There are so many chemicals in our Food and Air and we bring these precious little bundels of joy into the world, And start to feed them and cloth them, take them places and all the while we are poisioning them in differant way's. Try and read the book and see if some of the symptoms can't be reduced or taken away. Can't hurt and might help.
Liza,
You have spoken what I live/lived. Every time I've heard news of these shootings, I've always said, that is my child, that could have been the very child I gave birth to. I've made it 25 years without being killed by him. He has made it 25 years without killing any number of people and himself in a public display of pain. There were a many number of days I honestly didn't think I would see the next when he was not happy. He is now in the 'system' that was supposedly going to be the only road to "helping" both of us. Of course his record contains two issues of anger related domestic crimes. It has in turn only harmed him. He has seen jail. He has learned worse behavior. He at times is more threatening. He fights to find work. He is labeled a criminal instead of someone with mental health issues. He is also one of the most compassionate men I know. He is now a father. He also now lives back at home. Why, because I won't give up on him, if it cost me my own life in one of his fits of anger. I always pray when he gets upset that it will only be me he kills if it does get to that point.
Thank you for knowing what I know and live. I am also sorry that you do know these things. I am Adam Lanza's mother. I am also the mother of all those children lost. It is a thin line we walk parenting both.
I'm sure it took an incredible amount of courage and tears to post this. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you and Michael to get the help you need.
I am also Adam and Michaels mother. My son, who we will call Arthur, is 17 years old, 6'4" and 200 lbs. your story is so familiar, we have had those scenes played out in our life time and time again, as recent as Friday. I pray daily for just a little bit of peace for the day and Monday-Friday I pray for no phone calls from the school so I can work my complete shift as a nurse.
We have been through the mental health system and are now working our way through the legal system...but you are right, our mentally ill do not need to be imprisoned, but rather helped. But when your own child, the very one you gave birth punched you 15 times, destroys your home and threatens to throw a brick through the car window where you have sought refuge until the police arrive...where do you turn to next? The juvenile legal system in the conservative state of Kentucky is no help at all!!! The attorney that I have been forced to hire and pay $250.00 an hour to defend my abuser has come up with a brilliant defense...blame the victim, because my child has been diagnosed with bi polar disorder, ADHD, sensory autism, oppositional defiant, intermittent explosive, general anxiety, general depression, narcissistic personality disorder, there for its not his fault, their words not mine!
I am the victim and I do not wear that title well, but my own flesh and blood has made me a victim. A victim of his physical, emotional, and mental abuse. I have many things in common with the author of this blog, my child calls me names, bitch and whore are all to common. It's only mom when the mood fits.
I have sought help every chance I can, including posting this comment. I have 2 therapist, a psychiatrist, a juvenile justice home supervisor all working with us... And yet Friday I was told to get him to the mental hospital for an evaluation, but in KY police and EMS won't help you get them there, nor would any of the above!!! He tried to jump out of the car twice and pulled my hair as I was driving 60mph down the high way. Because of the danger I posed on the highway I had to make the decision to turn the car around and go back home.
I go to sleep every night in the past week with these words my child told me a week ago " I have plotted your murder in my head, bleach and menthol, I will stand over you laughing as you wake up to your insides burning like the pits of hell bitch." These words were told to me because I was making him do chores and would not buy him a cellphone.
I will close with these words...my child will turn 18 in 10 months, then he is no longer under my control, be afraid
Thank you for this brave and honest piece of writing, which is receiving so much well-deserved attention.
The stigma around mental illness is incredibly painful and destructive, not just for the sufferer but for his/her entire family and his/her friends. This pain and destruction can travel for generations.
As a mentally ill child of two mentally ill families, I honor the love and hard work it takes to be in your position, and the courage it takes to be honest. I hope the recent tragedy will inspire all of us to shift our perceptions of mental illness. I wish you, Michael, and the rest of your family all the best.
Amy Wilson
As someone who has been diagnosed with bipolar mixed with symptoms of psychosis, and who has scared my parents in the same way you have been scared, I would like to say that there is nothing less helpful than a parent who runs away from me and passes me off to "professionals" rather than staying with me. I have never felt held or handled or helped in my life. Despite parents who are, truly, in love with me and actively involved in my treatment, they hide behind their FEAR of me, and it makes me afraid of myself, afraid of the world, depressed and helpless. Please stop running away from me, listen to me, try something else, like exercise, diet, meditation, yoga, or as Eliza Bolt suggested, even sacred geometry, but for goodness sakes, the hospitals these days ARE prisons, our healthcare system is a modern day reflection of nonsensical religious nuts, people who think they can control and exorcise demons, when really we need more emphasis on impulse control. Stop passing us off to other people and stay connected.
Very poignant and so true in many ways. However, what I have a problem with is the access to guns that the Lanza had. You took all sharp items away so as your child would not injure himself or anyone else. Why were there guns accessible to this person in the home? Leaving item that can be used as weapons or are in fact weapons is irresponsible, especially in a home where someone is mentally unstable.
I feel for you, and I understand what you and 'Michael' are going through, from both perspectives.
Too feel pure and utter rage and hatred, without reason. To believe everyone hates you when they show you so much love every day. To want to end it all when absolutely nothing is wrong. And to feel them when you're that young... It's confusing, frustrating, and painful. It causes us to not see how we hurt those we love so much.
And to have your own child threaten your life and their own... That in itself causes a pain very few would understand.
I've found my peace, my reasons to keep going and be happy, and my reasons to make those around me as happy as possible. And I'm lucky enough to do so without the help of mind altering medications. I only hope your son is able to find peace, for both of your sakes.
I wish you and your family well, and I sincerely hope things get better for you.
Be well, and stay strong =)
i feel your pain, i have worked all my life to better myself or those around me (including my children ages 15, 11 & 5)...
it isnt easy and i dont have it AS bad but bad enough and i dread it getting worse
i am sure you have tried a lot of things, i am sure you have heard all kinds of advice and i know how i hate it when people try to help but all you can do is tell them "been there tried that"
but.. if you need someone to bounce ideas off of, see if something was missed or could be done differently... like i said, i have been there with my kids or with friends
i wont judge and am genuine
*bug hugs*
shalla
What an incredibly candid and brave article. I'm a licensed clinical social worker in Los Angeles. I have an 18-year-old son, whose biggest life challenge has been internet gaming addiction. I know that relatively-speaking, I've been blessed. But because of my profession and my decades working in child welfare, I feel I can say that I understand you. "What about the mental health issues!?" is what I blare out each time we have these tragedies. But all I hear about is gun control. In this country, mental illness belongs in tabloids. We're too afraid and perplexed by it to deal with it outside of reporting on an actor that shaved her head bald during a manic episode of Bipolar Disorder. It feels better for us to talk about an actors suicide as a part of his drug addiction, instead of the mental health issues he may have been trying to medicate through the street drugs. Compared to broaching the subjec tof mental illness, a debate about gun control seems like a walk in the park. But it is time to deal with this issue. Thank you for taking the hundreds of people who read and responded to your blog and providing us with a platform to have that discussion. Bless you.
I am writing because I was your son.
My parents had to do the exact same thing as you had to do with your son.
I was seventeen, had been skipping school and had basically run away from home. I tried to convince my parents that I believed I was part of some government genetic experiment.
They got me to a hospital. I won't go into too many details, but I was 6'4", weighed about 250, and was strong. It took four sheriff's deputies to escort me in. Even then, I was able to escape them for long enough to run headlong into a security door, nearly severing the end of my finger in the process.
It took a week of inpatient, and months of outpatient care. I still suffer from depression, ADHD, and possible low grade autism.
My parents, and you, are heroes. Some day, I sincerly hope he gets to where I am at, and can tell you how much he loves you and appreciates what you have done for him.
I read this article the other day. Maybe this would help Michael. Maybe it would help a lot of kids with the same mental illness as Michael and Adam.
As a teacher, I see these things all the time. Parents who literally have no hope for their child because of a mental illness. If it didn't used to be like this, then what are we doing different now that we didn't do 40-50-60 years ago...or at least not as much. Here's hoping that it can make some difference.
http://m.anchoragepress.com/mobile/news/the-gluten-made-her-do-it-how-going-gluten-free/article_39e2478e-4585-11e2-a80c-0019bb2963f4.html
Where's your husband? Where's his father? Where is the male role model?? For millenia we have had a Mother a Father, grandparents, uncles and aunts.Since the 1960's we have expected to change the family role model for a new and improved model....a model that states we don't need a male role in the family, and at the first moment of strife we don't need our marriages. Our children are what we deserve to get from this GREAT experiment!! When will we get it that there is a role we each play in the development of a family....a mother......a father, no more excuses......time to prioritize our families and NOT two people working outside of the home! We know the answer! We've always known the answer!!We've been doing it for millenia!!
Adults are talking, go peddle your woo-woo bullshit somewhere else.
I feel like i know you. my son has bitten me, hit me broken every piece of furniture and been arrested for assault 2x ,,probation too. His is not a genius, writes terribly as far as handwriting, has little or no empathy and has been on as many as 7 meds at one time.he has ADHD, Developemental Disabilities (but no retatdation) severe OCD and possible Asberger 's syndrome.He was in foster care for 2 years in 3 houses so there is a lot i don't know. he would never shoot or use guns but you never know when he will do something out of the blue. Your best bet is to get the state to help.I had him diagnosed at the YALE children's unit,,they observe with no meds.If you can get him inpatient and have him diagnosed you will be ahead of the game. And don't hesitate to call NAMI in your area.Its still early at 13...my son is 30
I have two adopted children and have experiences some similar experiences that you have. I know how heart breaking and helpless that you feel. I totally agree with the mental health issues that surround so many families. You are right, our prisons are filled with people that need more mental health treatment then they need locked up for the crime they committed. For any parents that posted and need treatment for their children...please ALWAYS check for a local non profit agency that provides this treatment based on your income. We live in a rural community and I have so many times wished we had more resources available to us. The original writer of this story....please continue to pray and be hopeful your son will find the correct treatment for him....I will keep you in my prayers.
There was a similar article to this in the NY Times a while ago; quite pointedly named "Can you call a 9-year old a psychopath"
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/13/magazine/can-you-call-a-9-year-old-a-psychopath.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
Slightly terrifying concept but it sounds similar; fake remorse intended only to get their own way; calculated acts of violence.
Your story had me in tears. I do not demonize these shooters, because I realize they are very ill. What can you do to secure your son, your family, and to help him lead a productive life? It must break your heart not to have the solutions at hand. All my best to you.
Macey, having a panic attack and having a knife pulled on you arent anywhere in the same ballpark. Im sorry to see you still havent gotten treatment for your BPD and are blaming others for your problems. Seek treatment.
Look into "Cluster-B Personality Disorder". He sounds EXACTLY like my father, exactly!!!! In fact, the conversations sound similar to what I've had with my father.
I thank you for posting about this and raising awareness. Because of societies complete lack of knowledge that people like this exist, I was tormented in secret and my father's gifted intelligence was so charming that no one ever believed my cries for help. I understand exactly what you're going through. I spent my life hoping I could love my father into being normal, but instead he used my compassion against me. In fact, he lied to the police one time and tried to have my mother arrested because he got mad at her for trying to prove his delusions wrong. You say the wrong thing on the wrong day and he'll ruin your life.
I've had to learn to be honest about who he is and in order to fight back, I've had to learn to lie and manipulate him for my survival, which is not so hard since his arrogance is off the charts. I've spent my life studying his every single move so I could predict what would set him off, and after 28 years I've got it completely down. The only thing I can do at this point is walk away and disappear out of his life, and make it so he can't find me. I've never known what it was like to not have to constantly walk on egg shells in fear of his wrath.
I applaud your compassion... just don't forget to protect yourself too. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Well written and well-timed. Thank you for sharing.
We are in the same boat .. my daughter has been struggling with mental illness since she was 8 (she is now 18). She has been in the psychiatric ward at least for a week every year since then. We have not had a knife in our house since she was 8 (she started to threaten to kill her mom and I, saying she would slit our throats while we slept). We have had to split up our household to shield are younger daughter from the daily bouts of aggression and rage. We moving to Missouri, where in patient mental health care is covered by state run Medicaid. Because of this we were able to get her into a residential treatment program for 8 months. Unfortunately she turned 18 this year and was released from the facility.
After all of the Dr's, drugs and therapy we are in the exact same place as we were 10 years ago when this started.
I don't have any advice .. only wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
I am a mother with a child of this same problems. He needs help. We have been in and out of mental hospitals and nothing works. We went to a school in which they helped him and taught the other students what to do. It was the best thing that happened. Parents need to teach their children to be accepting and kind to all kids. Not just the normal ones. I believe that if we are to make progress in the mental illness world we must teach our children to love and be patient to all people. It will not solve all things but it will make a difference.
This is such an amazingly brave and impactful piece. If you would be amenable to sharing it with my site's audience, I'd like to post the whole column, with a brief bio and link back to you. In appreciation, Gregg Keer, www.FamilyManOnline.com
Yes because pull a knife on your mother is always the actions of a "sane" person.
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