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| Michael holding a butterfly |
Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.
“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly
belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.
“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code
says black or khaki pants only.”
“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a
stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have
rights!”
“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone
affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re
grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I
will take you to school.”
I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he
terrifies me.
A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to
kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books.
His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and
locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael,
then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single
Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to
scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.
That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a
paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the
local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael
calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for
Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.
We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism
spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have
all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social
workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a
slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of
behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.
At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an
accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off
the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects
ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and
Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when
he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.
Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began
exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to
transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained
school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can
access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through
Friday until they turn 18.
The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to
argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem
remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look,
Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”
“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this
morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”
His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated
rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this
car right now and kill myself.”
That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he
ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital,
no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the
opposite lane, turning left instead of right.
“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where
are we going?”
“You know where we are going,” I replied.
“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re
sending me straight to hell!”
I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving
for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the
police,” I said. “Hurry.”
Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and
hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several
times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than
he is, but I won’t be for much longer.
The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and
kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled
my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—“Were there any difficulties with....at
what age did your child....were there any problems with...has your child ever
experienced...does your child have....”
At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a
position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you
have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No
individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.
For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the
whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to
check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon
as I get out of here.”
By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies
and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t
believe them anymore.
On the intake form, under the question, “What are your
expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”
And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my
own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for
grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.
I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I
am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am
Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their
mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy
to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.
According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders
involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. (http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map).
Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother
Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did).
But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many
people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.
When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he
said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If
he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the
only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to
you unless you’ve got charges.”
I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic
environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t
deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is
using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to
Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons
quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate
mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated
population. (http://www.hrw.org/news/2006/09/05/us-number-mentally-ill-prisons-quadrupled)
With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered,
prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County
Jail, and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment
centers in 2011 (http://www.npr.org/2011/09/04/140167676/nations-jails-struggle-with-mentally-ill-prisoners)
No one wants to send
a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection
to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken
healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another
tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten
classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”
I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a
meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way
our nation can ever truly heal.
God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
3,760 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 1201 – 1400 of 3760 Newer› Newest»I appreciate this letter, I am a father of an 19 year old boy, he had been diagnosed with almost all of the same behaviors cited in this letter. This past Friday i left my home for a few hours, i had spoke to my son through text about every half hour and he seemed fine. at about 7:30pm i received a phone call from my neighbor that swat was staked out at my house, after speaking to swat i went home directly, as i was riding home my son texts me “hey” i said what is going on?! he said nothing, i said son, swat is outside wtf! he said i don’t know i told my girlfriend i was upset, i told him to put his hands up and go out, he did. he was very compliant,Thankfully. This is what was actually going on,
The couple, in the middle of a breakup, were chatting on a webcam when the South Maple Street man said he was going to kill himself, the girlfriend told police.
He then walked back and forth in front of the web cam, loading and unloading a gun, she said.
Police said she told them he also may have been inhaling from an aerosol can.
—- police immediately called —— County’s Central Dispatch Center, which notified My Town authorities.
They called in the SWAT team.
The man walked out around 7:45 p.m. and was put into the ambulance (photo, above). The SWAT call was cancelled.
The young man’s father told police there was a replica weapon in the house. It was immediately unclear whether that was seized.
now the gun was a toy/replica gun and there was nothing in the house to hurt anyone with except kitchen utensils but no one had known and fortunately no one got hurt. he has all of the signs these people who hurt so many have had, this was not his first incident but if i have any say i hope for it to be the last. i had to have him committed, it broke my heart to do so but i had no choice, not saying they are gonna give him the best help, it would be hard for them to do so due to the fact he is not honest with them or himself about whats in his head. I had to make a choice, do i want to be a parent who had a possible danger committed or do i want to be a parent of a dead child or the parent of a violent offender with victims. i chose to commit him. it tears me apart and has left me lost and crying for 2 days now. what helped me feel a little better was this post above, i know i did the right thing, it’s my responsibility to protect him and the rest of the world from any danger he might have caused. after going through all of this i do believe that if he was left to his own accord and had the means to do something drastic he would. I love him as much as any father would love a child. I’m not very good a writing or sentence structure please don’t pick this post apart for that, please understand the post for what it is.
Thank you for sharing your story, Liza. My heart goes out to you and your son and your entire family as you bravely manage your son's illness. You are incredibly brave and strong and you are right, so much needs to be done for the public to have a better understanding of mental illness and how we can help as a society. Your blog post is an open start to the discussions that need to take place all over the world to end the violence that sometimes happens when an illness is left untreated. Thank God for your strength that are are able to help your son. God Bless. Praying for the Sandy Hook community.
Liza, I wanted to thank you for your bravery. Many people who have commented to your post also have children like Michael. My child's name is Zach. He's 18, living in a shelter in Denver. Most likely bi-polar. You and I share similar life experiences. People say we are brave, patient, etc. There truly is no way they can understand the complexity of the issue. Thank you for speaking for us.
Still thinking about this today. Has everyone seen Cronenberg's Dangerous Method. Sabrina Spielrein is the "schizophrenic/hysteric" Jung was treating at the time he was studying with Freud. As you can see from Keira Knightly's performance (Spielrein's case study of her facial expressions was used)her contorted face and body were all accurate simulations of her mental disorder and confinement for it. Radically treated by Jung who was more successful with these patients than Freud, she became an analyst herself.
I think Macey would make a fine analyst from reading her first comment here.
Spielrein, whom few know about, was a victim of the holocaust in a mass slaughtering where the bodies were dumped in a ravine. She was Russian and had returned there. What I recently found out sPIELREIN WAS LURIA'S ANALYST, the great Russian experimentalist into neuro psychology who was so radical one wonders how he survived the Soviet purges.
These children are screaming for help and most of them have normal parents who want a normal middle class life. They don't.
And may I say that the software mode of this blog is extremely controlling and restrictive. I feel what your son must be feeling when I come her to read and reply. And yet you are an amazing writer, and a seductive one, which brings me back.
I just wanted to reach out to you and show my support for you and my compassion and love (even though I don't know you ) for you and your family. Michael is so fortunate that he has a mother who loves him as much as you do.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so powerful. I can't even imagine how stressful it must be to you love your child but not feel safe...especially with your two other children. Addressing our lack of a mental health system is equally important to more commonsense gun control. It terrifies me that half the country owns guns and don't see guns as part of the problem. It just makes it that much easier to kill more people fast and without thinking first. Tackling both issues could make a huge difference in our safety and pursuit of happiness. Both are things we can not solve alone. Government can be part of the solution if people show their support.
My heart is heavy for your family. I am a teacher and I know school systems are not trained or able to help children with profound mental illness, we just are not. The public thinks we should be many times but we aren't. I know how to educate typically developing kids and those with a bit of "sparkle" but nothing liek you're describing and living with each day. I pray your family and son can find answers.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so powerful. I can't even imagine how stressful it must be to you love your child but not feel safe...especially with your two other children. Addressing our lack of a mental health system is equally important to more commonsense gun control. It terrifies me that half the country owns guns and don't see guns as part of the problem. It just makes it that much easier to kill more people fast and without thinking first. Tackling both issues could make a huge difference in our safety and pursuit of happiness. Both are things we can not solve alone. Government can be part of the solution if people show their support.
Please consider an elimination diet... Feingold is a great place to start... it is crazy how my son has changed from doing this. He is a completely different child when he is off gluten/dairy/artificial colors & flavoring.... this could help your son tremendously and you'll probably be able to see a difference within a week... just google Feingold and you'll find similar stories as yours, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. http://www.feingold.org/why1.html
Hi - Have you tried diet to help control Michael's behavior? I urge you to try removing gluten from Michael's diet. Please visit a naturopath and seek assistance from someone with experience treating autism through diet. My son's tantrums were eliminated by removing dairy and gluten from his diet. Please visit www.spunkycoconut.com for recipes and stories about how foods like gluten can mess with the brain.
I too am a mom to twins who both have mental disabilities. I have been battered and bruised in their rages. Please Understand, that like the OP my twins are brilliant, sweet and loving on most days, but we hit a bad day and he tears our house and lives up. I am a single mom, raising these boys on my own. I did not give birth to them but I love them as much as i do any of my children. the fight to get help, and services. recently had to have the police come to my house and Baker Act my son, which takes an act of congress to have happen alone.I have had cops come many times.. tell me my child is beyond anything they can do to help, and give me a pat on the back, maybe offer to help me get my son into the car, and then they leave and my son continues to rage. after the last hospitalization, all they did was take him off all his meds, then keep him 24 hours, and release him.. did nothing to help. Un derstand that these rages can last 3 or more hours, and i am exhausted, he is violent, and I am trying to protect his twin, while keeping him and myself safe. Why is there No help for us??? why do they release these kids to us, with no changes and then they blame us and fine up when our children do something outside the norm in public. They cut mental health services more and more. Its time to take a good long hard look at how we can help families with mentally ill children.
This child will be better off when he is no longer subjected to his CLUELESS mother.
I think you are incredibly brave to tell your story so openly and honestly and to show that level of vulnerability.
My immediate reaction on reading you is to reach out and share what I have learned and what, deep down you already know - you wrote it in the title for this article "thinking the unthinkable"
Your son is a genius. That means he has extremely high level brain activity going on. When he is in a high state of mind he can talk to you about neuroscience (as an example) but in a low state of mind he will threaten extreme violence to you and himself.
His brain is ticking over perhaps at a thousand times the speed of another person with a lower IQ. What he doesn't know is that the neural impulses are neutral and that he is verbalizing those neutral impulses and "making up" a reality through his thinking. Your son is not ill, on the contrary, he has the most incredible brain - just he doesn't know that he can choose which thoughts to give power to or not.
I invite you to take a little time and watch this video. Dr. Bill Pettit is a psychiatrist. He teaches, works with his patients, the Three Principles and the nature of thought and how thought shapes our existance.
I hope, with all my heart, that this can help you and be of some solace to you.
Again, I admire your courage
With love,
Rachel N.
http://www.tikun.co.uk/video/ih-conference-2011---assumptions---implications-for-the-mental-health-field---dr-bill-pettit.php
Have your son's diet checked.Most times it's a reaction by the body to foods/chemicals in food that cause his distress.I urge you to go to an alternative medicine Doctor as modern medicine just medicates the symptoms instead of getting to the root causes.
I don't presume to have the answer, and it's hard to believe a book might have the answer. You might consider Dr. Kazdin's method/research at Yale.
http://www.amazon.com/Kazdin-Method-Parenting-Defiant-Child/dp/0618773673/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355688934&sr=8-1&keywords=kazdin+method
God bless you, Liza.
Very much appreciate your post and I feel for you very deeply. You've pointed out some of the most serious problems our society faces. We don't really have a mental health system in this country at least not when compared to what is truly needed. Its more about control, containment and profit when it should be about real genuine healing and effective help for people in your position. I say this as a counselor who left the field is disgust. In any case knowing how much you undoubtedly love you son I hope you do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and your other children because I don't want to see any harm come to you. I think as parents and as human beings we have to acknowledge that there is only so much we can do and at some point we realize that we are helpless to change some things. Thats a powerful realization because it allows us to focus on what we can do. I hope your son gets help but I hope for your safety and happiness even more......colin
A little known therapy called EEG Neurofeedback has been very effective in dealing with these symptoms. Practitioners can be found in any area through Google or other search engines.
My heart breaks for those parents and children who struggle with these situations, and we as a society must help people have the resources to cope.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your courage in writing this.
Ms. Long, thank you for sharing your powerful story. It is through the awareness spread by yourself and others who are struggling with a psychologically troubled loved one, that our country can make needed progress against mental illness.
All the best to you and Michael.
Looks like we have the diagnostic capability now to know who can be sucessfully treated and who can't:
Psychopathy linked to specific structural abnormalities in the brain http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/05/120507164636.htm
Reading your story reminded me of the boy in this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzvIq8WISUo
I'm divided on the topic of discussing the mental health issues here ... When we tie mental illness to these events, it gives the impression that everyone with mental illness is going to go on a mass murdering spree, and this article seems to imply the same thing. I made a lot of those same statements when I was a kid (and made good on them, too, at least the ones to hurt myself) ... No one ever helped me because my mother was - and I'm only speculating here - she was paralyzed by the thought that she might have a crazy son, some kind of psychopath who might go off and kill a bunch of people. So I went without treatment until my third suicide attempt where I found out that I do have a mental illness that can be treated and should've been treated before the first half of my life was ruined by it.
While I applaud your decision to get your son the serious help that he obviously needs, I'm personally insulted when people make the jump from "he needs help" to "save us from this crazy person before he kills us all!" There are a lot of people out there that need help that will never get it because of the amount of attention that's being given to the "a crazy person did this" camp.
Glad to see this going viral. This is a perspective we don't get often enough. I think you're incredibly brave.
I'm divided on the topic of discussing the mental health issues here ... When we tie mental illness to these events, it gives the impression that everyone with mental illness is going to go on a mass murdering spree, and this article seems to imply the same thing. I made a lot of those same statements when I was a kid (and made good on them, too, at least the ones to hurt myself) ... No one ever helped me because my mother was - and I'm only speculating here - she was paralyzed by the thought that she might have a crazy son, some kind of psychopath who might go off and kill a bunch of people. So I went without treatment until my third suicide attempt where I found out that I do have a mental illness that can be treated and should've been treated before the first half of my life was ruined by it.
While I applaud your decision to get your son the serious help that he obviously needs, I'm personally insulted when people make the jump from "he needs help" to "save us from this crazy person before he kills us all!" There are a lot of people out there that need help that will never get it because of the amount of attention that's being given to the "a crazy person did this" camp.
Does not mention one of the main issues here-- why the Sandy Hook shooters mother trained her mentally ill son in shooting the multiple high powered weapons she owned was supposed to be "into". That family certainly had the financial means and resources for help with their son.
You have just described my grandson. The knives, the threats of murdering his Mom with a baseball bat (said in complete calmness and explicit detail).
She is a single parent. She has no insurance. They are living with me right now and he has voiced wanting to kill me or wanting me dead. He has slapped me in the head. There is no "official" diagnosis". APD, ADHD, Autism Spectrum disorder, Sensory Disorder. He often speaks of how he wants to die. Especially after a tantrum. It is like turning on and off a light switch. One minute in the tantrum, the next crying and apologizing. You never know what will set him off.
Things seem to be better these last couple of months. He has been arrested for the threat of killing his Mom with the baseball bat. He was 8. He spent a few days in a "psych" hospital. Problem is when he is not having a fit he can be so charming and so intelligent. He can tell you everything about Whales, Star Wars and does math problems for fun.
He will not talk about the hospitalization. I pray he is not holding a grudge.
To those of you who say I had this or that and survived, praise God!!
To those of you who think we are bad parents or grandparents, spend a month in our shoes. Take him to his appointments and watch as the people look at you like "there is nothing wrong with this child" because he is having a good day. Try to sleep at night when he has threatened to kill you. Or you could send his Mom the money to get him specialty care, probably in another state from where we live. Medicaid pays for very little.
There are so many emotions. Top of the list is this is my child and I am failing because he is hurting and I can fix it. Then there is the fear that he will hurt himself. The fear that he will hurt you or a sibling. Safety plans have to be put in place all the while thinking "why can't someone help me?" Doctors with no answers, medications that don't work or cause worse problems. My heart breaks for my daughter as she tries to work, deal with his school (not even going to touch that subject), cry because she doesn't have insurance that might help him, take him to his appoints sometimes two or three times a week. Worry about the job she does have because she has to leave work for appoints or when the school calls.
I pray for you all.
I know. I know too well.
@ladybarron and @youshould beashamed and all others like you:
You are despicable human beings for calling a child a demon. If you are a religious fanatic that's fine and dandy but don't throw your disgusting hate at a mother who clearly loves her child and wants to help him!!
And she should NOT be ashamed, nor should anyone else, to openly discuss these problems of today. If they don't it will never get the attention it DESERVES, you think hiding it and not talking about it will magically make it better? Guess what? You are living in fantasy land and you sicken me.
Do not listen to those negative people! You know what to do for your child, or at least know that you need to try and help him and that is the right start. Those people don't have the slightest clue what they are talking about and should keep their nasty hate filled mouths zipped. period!
Thank you for sharing. As a mother of a child with similar behavior, my husband and I have often felt hopeless. I will pray for you, hold you and your family in love and light because we are finally seeing a breakthrough. I am so grateful for the timeliness of your sharing. This is the conversation we need to have in this country. Thank you, thank you!
Bless you. My own daughter was horrific, seemingly overnight, she went from loving child and teacher favorite, to someone that HATED us. She would cut herself, throw up food until she was a shadow of herself, and burn herself and other objects. My husband and I endured placing her in hospitals and I remember sitting on the curb of a hospital and crying like a baby, and my husband cried also. Our friends pulled away, even those with knowledge that could have helped. Our family all offered horrible advice, including sending her to a boot camp. I learned to hate Dr.Phil, as relatives would constantly quote him at us, sure if we were only "tougher" she's "Straighten up". I would point out we had a team of doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists that were giving us the best advice they could after hours and hours of dealing with our child. She can't deal with discomfort, in any way. While the rest of us get we have to go along sometimes, she reacts with anger to dealing with the bad teacher, the funny look given to her, or any "Unfairness". She somehow doesn't see we all have to let things go. After years of agony and treatment she is now, sort of stable. She will need us the rest of her life. She needs to check in with us over and over during the day, but she no longer hates us. Our life is given over to making her life as free from discomfort as possible, and we face it alone. We lost not only our darling child, we lost friends, neighbors and family. You keep going for the other children, for your spouse, and for your child you still love that was cursed with an illness no one knows how to make better.
I'm sorry Ms. Lanza, Ms. Klebold, Ms. Harris, Ms. Whomever Else Kills Innocents, your son has absolutely no business in your home or in society. The behaviors you described are those of a sociopath, one who is incapable of feeling anything, one who is incapable of caring about crossing the line between good and evil. You've identified the problem, that's step 1. Giving him to the state, reporting him to the police for threatening you with a knife, making sure he can't hurt innocent people or carry out something as unthinkable as Adam Lanza is the 2nd part. Your responsibility to society and to the innocent people who live in it is greater than your responsibility to your terribly ill son. You have other children who are in mortal danger. Think of them. Or wind up filled with bullet holes in the den of your home while your son goes down in infamy for committing an act so heinous that it can never be forgiven.
Thanks for writing this. I think you are making an impact in big ways just given how many people are reading the post via Huffington, and sharing it. But I'm hoping this will be part of the impetus to make the bigger changes in our society as you mention are needed.
By being candid about your private life, you have shed great light on this topic, and on the dire need for our nation to take a good, hard look at how we have neglected to care for some of the most fragile members of our society. My heart goes our to you and your children. Bless you and yours....
You are not Adam Lanza's mother. You didn't leave a cache of rifles guns and ammo in the reach of your mentally ill child. I hope your son gets the help he needs and your home the peace and joy it deserves...best wishes.
I live in a suburb of Vancouver, Canada. I'm the son of a mother who works daily with autistic children as a Special Needs Assistant in the British Columbia School System. Knowing what my mom goes through on a daily basis working with autistic children, this is a serious issue that needs resolve around the world. Not only do the children need help, but also so do many of the parents.
There are still many parents that don't acknowledge the disability or mental illness of their children, thus do nothing to help their child survive or function on their own or worse. This is the case that my mom deals with on a daily basis. For my mom, the student she looks after also has a severe family religious factor that comes into play. When my mom is away sick, her student goes into major temper tantrums and substitute teachers have not been able to handle him.
For other parents, the rage and anger that there extremely intelligent child possess can not be contained. It goes beyond verbal most of the time and what's worst, often people with autism do not know what they're doing.
Until a few years ago, I personally did not give mental illness enough thought as a serious issue. I did not truly understand, and still don't understand what my mom goes through on a daily basis. But after reading this story, it's hard not to think of my mom as a bit of a hero. For me personally, I know there is no way I could do what my mom does as a Special Needs Assistant working with autistic kids.
I also know, and firmly believe that our societies and governments don't give Special Needs Education Assistants enough credit for what they do. In fact, I think the job title is somewhat demoralizing and doesn't explain what their job is.
I also think its worse that some parents of mentally ill children can't admit, understand, or come to accept that their children has a mental illness. The reason I feel this way is simple. These particular parents don't understand the importance of or appreciate the abilities of a Special Needs Assistant. They see school as a daycare where they can 'wash their hands' of looking after their troubled child. To some degree, there is a level of understand as to why that attitude exists, but only for parents who accept and try to do everything they can to help their children who suffer from mental illness.
There are, however, some parents who have come to accept their child's behavioural issues and do more than just thank my mom. I know these cases because my mom has been on the receiving ends of both.
Continued...
i can relate to this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers hereto forward. Sending you strength.
In fact, I am quite thankful to the mother of an autistic child who is now best friends with my mom. My mom helped her son in elementary school year and has continued to provide Respite Care for him after school and since his high school graduation. Our family has had him over several times for dinner and even hosted his High School Graduation Party here. He is an absolutely delightful autistic person to be around and even has an obsession with Apple products. He is also quite the comedian.
Recently my mom's friend, the mother of the above mentioned autistic child, was able to help my mom at the beginning of a recent anxiety attack before I arrived home from work. These anxiety attacks are caused from numerous life events and issues, but its believed that they started after 2 years of stress caused by the parent of her current autistic student. I can't get into specifics, but needless to say, the parent does absolutely nothing to support their autistic child's future or support the care and learning my mom is trying to provide to them.
The point is, governments and societies in general do nothing to truly support the families of mentally ill kids. 'Systems' are created with no proper resolve or care for the children. As evident in this heart-wrenching story, there is really only universal system that seems to work severely autistic kids and that is the criminal system to then be sent to a mental health hospital. Severely autistic people are not criminals by any means. In many cases, they aren't capable of deciding right from wrong. They can also be brilliantly intelligent people, as mentioned in this article. The criminal system is not where they belong.
It's my firm belief that the work my mom does at an early age with these children helps to save them from years of outrage and potentially deadly acts. Mental illness needs a pre-emptive care system, not a reactive care system. Right now, society and government, all react to mentally ill children. The discussion of gun control, although an extremely important, is a reactive discussion as a result of violence from autistic children. The discussion needs to turn to pre-emptive measures for all mentally ill people.
Just for grins, I would like to know what you feed your children and how many mercury filled vaccinations you have given him. And, I'm still trying to understand WHY IN THE WORLD you would argue with a ANY kid about the color pants he wears. Let him wear what he wants, if he gets in trouble, he gets in trouble, big deal. I have 4 sons but my brother was psychotic. Shot up with vaccinations that almost killed him, a horrible forceps birth, football concussions by the dozen, JUNK FOOD by the tons and CONVENIENCE food by the tractor trailer truck load. Poor guy never had a chance because my mom HATED to cook a decent meal (she was a CAREER woman!)and the more time she spent away from the house, the happier she was. I loved my brother but he used to beat me up a LOT. My parents were absolutely sure I had done SOMETHING to provoke him, but the truth is, my brother loved SWEETS, POP TARTS, SUGARY CEREALS which I noticed at an early age exacerbated his violent rages. Until I started cooking for the family, we hardly ever ate REAL food. Also, why would you let ANY of a violent kid play video games EVER? They make things WORSE. Kids need Vitamin D, fresh air, exercise, a decent meal and a parent that let's them make their own mistakes as long as they don't harm any one else. In mid winter my son refused to wear a coat to school. It was FREEZING outside but I said, ok, this is your body. After I dropped him off at school, the principal called and said he wouldn't be able to go outside for recess. I'm like, oh well, he needs to experience this consequence. Next day he wore his freakin' coat. Threatening a kid with a mental hospital when he exhibits erratic behavior will only make things worse. ASK YOURSELF THIS: Is my kid FULLY nourished with good organic HOMECOOKED foods? I'm not talking about organic sugary cereals, either. NOTHING OUT OF A BOX! If not, Mommy or Daddy need to get their priorities straight. A 10 year old can't go buy organic fruits, veggies and meats. YOU HAVE TO MAKE his nutrition A PRIORITY! Yeah, it's a big hassle cooking everything from scratch, I get it but the results are so WORTH it: CONSISTENTLY rational, calm, sweet kids...And if you HATE TO COOK, like my mom did, then you're going to reap what you sow or what you didn't sow. God help us all...
Clearly, those of you who are so quick to label her a bad mother are perfect parents and know exactly what should be done to help mentally ill children. Are you mental health advocates? Are you social workers working with mentally ill children? Do you work for Child Protective Services like I do, where I do see "bad" parents on a daily basis (but I give them the benefit of the doubt). Are you working with government officials and schools to develop "good" programs for children and families struggling with mental illness? Where is your offer to be a foster parent to Michael since you know exactly what to do? You have not walked in Michael's mother's shoes, yet you are so quick to judge. There are ways to offer support and advice without viciously attacking someone you don't even know. I applaud Michael's mother for posting this. And whether you agree or disagree with her parenting decisions, she is brave enough to put this "taboo" issue on the table. Talking about it and sharing real life stories is the first step in bringing about change.
Except for the extent of the violence, I was much like your son growing up. I despised the illegitimate authority of the school teachers, and recognized that I was smarter than them.
If your son thinks he's so smart, give him the option to leave school and compete in the big-kid's playground. I was never given this option, and school was the worst possible place for me. The 10 best years of my early life (12-22) were wasted, don't let that happen with your son.
He needs independent, self-directed challenge. No school can offer that; only the 'real world' can. With a name like "Anarchist Soccer Mom", you should be ok with this idea.
Since I found my independent challenge, I've found meaning in life and have started to learn how to be social and the joys of community. I never thought this would be possible, I never felt 'human' until going through my own personal journey. Your son, no one in fact, can have that personal journey in the confines of school.
thank you for your post. and good for you. prayers for our nations children.
I really hope that you can read ALL of these comments not just the ones saying how wonderful you are to share this. The negative ones are often right on target. Have you read Hannah Greene's account of her own madness in I Never Promised You A Rose Garden. Her analyst in the hospital was Frieda Fromm-Reichamn (Eric Fromm's wife, ex-wife?) and it is the first clinical study where the analyst uses the technique of "paradoxical intention" to double-bind the patient. "Go back to your Gods and tell them that they haven't been able to help you so now they must give me a chance." If she goes in her head to tell the imaginary Gods what Fromm-Reichman has said,she is OBEYING Fromm-Reichman. If she refuses she is saying that her Gods are powerless to help her. That's how you have to talk to these children.
If you want to kill me with a knife, which part of me would be the best target? (avoid using YOU)Any use of the word "you" is perceived as a direct attack on the ego which is practically non-existent.
How come that part of me was selected?
Will that part accomplish what is necessary?
I once had to talk my niece down from threatened suicide on the phone. I asked her how she was going to do it. She told me. Then I asked her what if it didn't work, what would she do then. We ended up talking over an hour on the methods she would use as she kept changing them to do it better. After this she was talked down, I went out to where she was and we talked.
It is tricky. I do believe Szasz's and his book The Myth of Mental Illness needs to be studied again and again. Macey has shown in her comment that she has done serious downtime in figuring all this out. But knowing is not being cured. That comes after.
I still think Victoria Champion wrote the best comment of all and gave such excellent advice that if it is not followed by anyone here who can use it, then you deserve everything that's coming to you. And it will, for that is certain.
Wow, I understand that this is a difficult situation, but you sound like you've given up.
You're "free" babysitting, is not free. Nor are the police officers, the ER attendings, and everyone else trying to help your son. You didn't think until recently your family needed benefits??? Are you KIDDING me?
Your son isn't the issue. Your attitude towards parenting and responsibility are.
My heart aches for all of the parents who commented.
At the risk of sounding insensitive,PLEASE. . . IF YOU HAVE A GUN IN THE HOUSE, GET IT OUT.
That is Step One in protecting yourself and everyone else.
My wife and I were in the exact same situation for years with our grandson.
The police wouldn't help. The "rules are not setup that way".
The mother was useless because she's a addict and refuses help and actually would get high with him when they started to meet up a few years ago.
We couldn't even have him committed so he can get help...
Only in extreme physical states that can be witnessed by a Police Officer can he be committed.
So nothing was done for years, and my wife and I gingerly tiptoed around in our own home.
He's gone now (few months).. but I am 100% sure that it's a matter of time that his rage or apathy will land him in jail.
All we can do is pray for him and set the example.
I have lived what you're living. Look up PANDAS or PANS. These are neuro-psych disorders caused by a prior infection - the immune system attacks the brain just the way rheumatic fever wrongly attacks the heart. It's treatable - after years of the exact events you have described, we're beginning to get our boy back! There are many docs who haven't yet become familiar with PANS or PANDAS, but there are some here in the trenches with parents. We thought we were lousy parents, but nos he's being treated and iz getting better!! I'm praying for you.
Also have you all read We Have To Talk About Kevin and seen the movie with Tilda Swinton? Kevin is such a child.And his mother is the same kind of mother as Michael's.
You're describing my 12 year old, except he hasn't actually grabbed anything to physically threaten anyone yet, but he has threatened to kill me or himself because I've told him he has to do his math homework, or that he has to take the garbage out... He can blow at any time. We have a really excellent doctor and after much discussion with him, we saw a paediatric endocrinologist. My son is hypoglycemic and has a bad reaction to red dye. Both have contributed to his temper tantrums... I don't know that they're the cause, but the explanation the endocrinologist gave us was that, when his blood glucose drops, he gets a shot of adrenaline. And his temper tantrums are a result of that hormonal imbalance. This is also becoming more of an issue as he reaches puberty...
You're not alone, and while I haven't had to call the police on my son yet, it's only a matter of time...
And our Republican friends lobby for smaller government and less taxes, so people like this can grow up without treatment, without housing and live on our streets because they are too disturbed to work and support themselves.
I am no expert on the subject. I tripped across this article. Read it as a warning: "Antidepressant Drugs are Probable Culprit in the Connecticut School Shooting"
by Barbara Minton
http://alignlife.com/news/antidepressant-drugs-are-probable-culprit-in-the-connecticut-school-shooting/
both on the drugs and withdrawing from the drugs
I am a teacher and I see children like yours on a daily basis. I pray that your son, and all the children who have a mental illness, will receive the medical care they need, and be surrounded by compassionate people who can see past the labels and persue solutions that will truly make a difference. And I will pray for your strength and guidance, too. May you find strong arms to hold you, caring ears to listen, and friends who know you are doing all you can.
Thank you for your brave post.
I have worked with chemically addicted adults with mental illness for the past 15 years and most of them are homeless. It's a tragedy that our society is so blind to their problems. By the time I see these people most have burned their bridges and it is difficult to get any family members on board. Most are just so burned out and feel guilty that they can't fix the problem. I find that if I can get family involved in their treatment they are hungry for information...and forgiveness. I spend a lot of time helping them as well to accept that they are not to blame. My clients have coexisting disorders, use drugs and alcohol to alleviate symptoms, fear taking their prescribed psych meds and fear change. It is an epic problem in our society. Many of these people have been thrown away and struggle for survival despite the fact than their population includes so very brilliant minds. I feel like we put a band-aid on it and send them back out into the world until they have another crisis. When I was so hopeful when I began this work but have since become cynical. There is no holistic solutions. Once they are stabilized there is no safety net for them when I send them back out into the world, and my heart aches for them. Sometimes they come back after another 5150, and sometimes they die for alcohol poisoning or drug overdose. So many responses to this problem, and I pray that as a result of the terrible tragedy as well as timely comments will serve to motivate all of us to seek effective solutions for the benefit of our society. Mental illness deserves acknowledgement and support rather than stigmatization.
I don't know all that you are going through and my heart goes out to you. But I would be afraid to take away his electronics as punishment for the way he's acting. Obviously, you are trying to let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and it is. But he might actually NEED his electronics. It might be the only thing he has to get through feeling different or misunderstood. And it could be that the mental hospital is literally hell. Put the knives in a safe place yes, but don't take his electronics away. I don't think school is the best place for him but I realize some parents have no alternative. His feelings are normal, and he could be suffering because he doesn't know how to express them without threatening murder and suicide.
My little brother was the same way & my mom was very scaried... He's still kinda scary jus not as bad.
You are amazing, brave and strong. What a powerful expression and I whole heartedly agree with you. Bless you and you family and thank you for sharing this with the world.
I think your child needs a person to straighten him up. Human beings sometimes need a good beat up to understand things. If my son had done that to his mom he would have gotten the spanking of a lifetime. I'm sorry for what you're going through but many children around are more of a brat than anything else.
the black of my pupils are bleeding out through the crystal iridescent blue of my eyes reading this tripe. these executions were satanic n u just compared ur little kid to some of the notorious murderers in history. permanently obliterating your relationship w all of your kids just so you could use a bit of frustration and some long reaching similarities to obliquely punish ur kids. go watch eyes wide shut.
merry christmas.
I'm not a doctor but your son's condition sounds a lot like aspergers. Look it up: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome. My nephew has this condition (although he's never been "life threatening", he's exhibited many of the same behavioral problems. Like your son, my nephew is very intelligent. My nephew is currently involved in a school program called "cadet corp" and since he started (2 years ago) his grades have gone from straight F's to straight A's. He's improved in many other area's as well.
Thank You for writing this .. My son is 11 years old and paralyzed and we live a life like this ... we have many Titles but none seem to fit .. we tried no meds and diet change and it did not help :( He has told people I am trying to kill him .. he has thrown himself out of moving vehicles .. I have been physically attacked more times then I care to count .. and why do I do this ?? Because I LOVE him.
Insurance pays for psychiatric care for him while he seems unstable but as soon as things become stable they cut him off from counseling.
I am trying to be the mom I need to be in a world that does not understand and honestly I do not either .. all I know is I LOVE him.
Thank You
I know exactly what you are going through as I have gone through nearly the exact same thing a 12 yr old with an explosive and violent temper, threats of violence and suicide. Here in NJ we have voluntarily placed him in a pediatric facility-Ranch HOpe in Alloway Township. He has been there around 8 months andwe have seen some improvement, mostly due to seemingtly finding the right mix of medication. I wish you all the luck in the work in finding help for your son.
Linda, this was also our life. Please Google PANDAS or PANS - these are neuro-psych disorders caused by a messed up immune response to an infection. Our son was diagnosed about a month and a half ago, and we're seeing so much improvement with appropriate antibiotic treatment. Perhaps this will help your little guy. I have my son back - I pray that you will have yours back as well.
I liked what the one commenter said about acknowledging and accepting every apology as a show of empathy. I worry these kids get worse because we all focus so much on what they do wrong, how they are not acting right, and it makes them feel weird and hopeless. My heart breaks for these kids and how hard it is for them to communicate with us, the outsiders.
Thank you for bravely sharing this insight into your struggles.
As a Ph.D. clinical psychologist, with 30 years of experience treating children like yours, I can tell you that the major problems we face are a lack of recognition that mental illness even exists, and a lack of willingness to pay for early screening and treatment. Most people would rather believe in "evil" (and therefore incarceration) than acknowledge the existence of mental illness, and insurance companies absolutely refuse to pay for screening, and very begrudgingly pay for minimal treatment, despite the many parity laws on the books that some how never get enforced. Mental health care is expensive because those of us that do it go to school for many years to learn how, and incur huge amounts of debt in doing so. Good mental health care is also expensive because we have learned the hard way that despite the bragging and slick ads by drug companies, drugs mostly do not work, or if they do, the side effects are so bad that we can't use them. Only about 1/3 of people derive any real benefit from drugs, and even then that benefit is only mediocre at best. Mental illness cannot be cured and can only be marginally controlled by pharmaceuticals.
We are left with what we have been doing for many years - psychotherapy, and a lot of it. It takes a tremendous amount of time and money to heal someone this way, and it takes their cooperation. It is very expensive because performing therapy is a delicate art that not many people do well, and it exhausts and frequently damages the person doing it.
I am sorry for you, and for your son, and hope that you find some decent treatment and some peace.
As a Ph.D. clinical psychologist, with 30 years of experience treating children like yours, I can tell you that the major problems we face are a lack of recognition that mental illness even exists, and a lack of willingness to pay for early screening and treatment. Most people would rather believe in "evil" (and therefore incarceration) than acknowledge the existence of mental illness, and insurance companies absolutely refuse to pay for screening, and very begrudgingly pay for minimal treatment, despite the many parity laws on the books that some how never get enforced. Mental health care is expensive because those of us that do it go to school for many years to learn how, and incur huge amounts of debt in doing so. Good mental health care is also expensive because we have learned the hard way that despite the bragging and slick ads by drug companies, drugs mostly do not work, or if they do, the side effects are so bad that we can't use them. Only about 1/3 of people derive any real benefit from drugs, and even then that benefit is only mediocre at best. Mental illness cannot be cured and can only be marginally controlled by pharmaceuticals.
We are left with what we have been doing for many years - psychotherapy, and a lot of it. It takes a tremendous amount of time and money to heal someone this way, and it takes their cooperation. It is very expensive because performing therapy is a delicate art that not many people do well, and it exhausts and frequently damages the person doing it.
I am sorry for you, and for your son, and hope that you find some decent treatment and some peace.
As a Ph.D. clinical psychologist, with 30 years of experience treating children like yours, I can tell you that the major problems we face are a lack of recognition that mental illness even exists, and a lack of willingness to pay for early screening and treatment. Most people would rather believe in "evil" (and therefore incarceration) than acknowledge the existence of mental illness, and insurance companies absolutely refuse to pay for screening, and very begrudgingly pay for minimal treatment, despite the many parity laws on the books that some how never get enforced. Mental health care is expensive because those of us that do it go to school for many years to learn how, and incur huge amounts of debt in doing so. Good mental health care is also expensive because we have learned the hard way that despite the bragging and slick ads by drug companies, drugs mostly do not work, or if they do, the side effects are so bad that we can't use them. Only about 1/3 of people derive any real benefit from drugs, and even then that benefit is only mediocre at best. Mental illness cannot be cured and can only be marginally controlled by pharmaceuticals.
We are left with what we have been doing for many years - psychotherapy, and a lot of it. It takes a tremendous amount of time and money to heal someone this way, and it takes their cooperation. It is very expensive because performing therapy is a delicate art that not many people do well, and it exhausts and frequently damages the person doing it.
I am sorry for you, and for your son, and hope that you find some decent treatment and some peace. 2290
Thank you for sharing and being honest about what you are going through. As a teacher, it is hard to see the gaps in support and assistance for children who suffer from mental illness. There just doesn't seem to be an understanding of what is happening to adults let alone children with mental illness. Writing and talking about this helps create the awareness that society needs to push for help.
My heart goes out to you and I know I can't understand all that you are going through. I would be afraid though to take his electronics away as punishment for the way he's acting. Obviously you want to let him know that his behavior is unacceptable. But he might NEED his electronics. It might be the only thing he has to get through the day and you taking those away makes him feel so sad that he has no reason to live. Obviously, to an adult this seems absurd because this kid has more reasons to live than playing with electronics. But for a very intelligent child that has trouble communicating his emotions, playing with electronics might be his way of coping. If you take that way, he will lash out. Yes, put the knives away but don't deprive him. And the mental hospital might literally be hell to him. Yes actions are horrible yes, but his feelings are totally normal. He needs a way to express them without threatening murder and suicide.
Your story has gone viral. It must have taken a lot of courage to write it out, and I'm very grateful that you did. This is the post that will change this nation.
The drugs are a part of the problem -- the country is in the midst of a prescription drug epidemic -- and mental health "care" often isn't. Try a well-run therapeutic horseback riding program, get your kid out into nature as much as possible, watch the diet -- that can be a huge part. I have volunteered with ADHD/autism/behavioral disorder kids in a horse riding therapy program and raised an ADHD son. Teen boys can and do grow out of these disorders but when it comes to treatment less is often more. Good luck.
I believe you that you are really desperate - but - agreeing largely with Macey's comment or Travis May's - I hope for you and even more for your son, you will find some uncle or anybody else in your relationship who can see the whole story mor relaxed and has enough sympathy for a youngster whom his single educating mother cant cope with any more - that he is ready to live together with him for a while - or something similar.
Maybe all problems will calm down surprisingly, when he is out of your control which makes him obviously mad.
I completely understand your experience. Thank you for sharing it. It is so important.
It may not have anything to do with Michael's challenges, but hidden food allergies can cause rage and unpredictable states that show as mental illness. An elimination diet might find such triggers. They are not easy, if done well, but they are not invasive and may help. IgE, IgG, and other blood testing is not conclusive, so it has to be an elimination diet. Corn and wheat (grains) are ones I am familiar with as problematic. However, I am sure that other things are also problematic.
If it is corn, corn is in TONS of things. Check out Delphi forums Avoiding Corn and FB group Corn Allergy and Intolerance for more info.
Praying that there is some sort of remedy for Michael's challenges out there.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I've been there. Please look up a disorder called PANS or PANDAS. It's a neuro-psych disorder caused by a botched immune response to infection, often treated with antibiotics. I know it sounds simplistic, but my son was where yours is, and we have him back.
It may not have anything to do with Michael's challenges, but hidden food allergies can cause rage and unpredictable states that show as mental illness. An elimination diet might find such triggers. They are not easy, if done well, but they are not invasive and may help. IgE, IgG, and other blood testing is not conclusive, so it has to be an elimination diet. Corn and wheat (grains) are ones I am familiar with as problematic. However, I am sure that other things are also problematic.
If it is corn, corn is in TONS of things. Check out Delphi forums Avoiding Corn and FB group Corn Allergy and Intolerance for more info.
Praying that there is some sort of remedy for Michael's challenges out there.
Thank you for sharing your story.
go to the best nutrionist you can find study and meticulously follow their advice. I promise you will see results
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is this sort of raw, honest, and personal discussion of a very serious problem (the effects of the disintegration of the mental healthcare system in the US) that is necessary for our nation to move forward from this tragedy and to begin to address the real roots of its cause.
Thank you for posting this. It is such a poignant essay. I believe more people need to be educated on this issue. I have been in health care for almost 15 years and I see the struggles of both the parents and the children affected by mental illness.
I pray that this becomes an issue we can improve in our country.
May God bless you and "Michael" and hold you in the palm of his hands.
Travis Mays:
You are a horrible, stupid, ignorant person. If this woman is a horrible mom, then why aren't her other two children like this? You're stupidity is the reason people don't get help, why the mentally ill are ignored and forgotten until they murder 18 babies in a class room.
Travis Mays from the comment you left I can only assume you do not have a child with a mental illness. I know exactly what she is talking about becuase my son is the exact same way. My son says the same things, has an above average IQ, lacks social skills and other things that go along with his mental illness. The solution is not in parenting skill because I have three daughters who are well adjusted, make good grades and have no problems at home or in school. I pray every night that my son becomes a successful and happy adult which I assume you do not because you expect your child to be successful and happy. People like you who are uneducated and make assumptions make it very hard for parents and children with mental illness. As a parent I do everything I can to help my son which includes weekly therapy, medication, and behavior modifications for him. I hope all the extra stuff I do will help him in the future but I still worry daily about my boy. Until you raise a child with mental illness or a disorder you have no right to judge someone who is walking in those shoes.
Very interesting. I wonder how young you put your son on medication to help him focus in school? I've been studying that putting kids on this medication at such a young age has huge implications to the development of the brain and causes nasty chemical imbalances. Parents are putting more and more kids on medications at younger and younger ages and we are getting more and more messed up kids as they grow up. The trend seems to be happening mostly on the eastern side of the USA. Our kids are growing up with so much simulation such as video games and when they sit in a class room it's hard for them to focus because nothing exciting is happening. Then the teachers say something is wrong with your kid and then you get him medication for him to focus.
I know lots of people would disagree but to put kids on medication while their brain is in full development is plain wrong. It will cause them lots of problems in the future. They wont know how to act normally.
I ran your post on my blog and I wanted you to know the comments are overwhelmingly positive. (They seem to assume I wrote the post, despite my telling them otherwise.)
http://susiemadrak.com/?p=51162
He is being an anarchist in his own right. He wants to estalish an identity at that age. I can only guess that that are no positive male figures to guide. He is reaceable! Do not give up! I don't know why you call yourself an anarchist but your son is mirroring your subconcious. Do not give up trying to get help even if it means going out of state. Love him, truly love him.
To those of you who criticize this mother, or any other parent/caregiver of a mentally ill or otherwise special needs child for "giving up" or being a poor parent... I have no words I can give you that will not make me sound as insensitive as you are.
You have absolutely no clue -- ZERO! -- what it is like to live in a home like this. You have no clue how hard it can be to have to begin to emotionally distance yourself from your child so that you CAN make proper health and welfare decisions. You don't know the agony of having multiple children in your household and having to treat one 'differently' because he or she requires around the clock attention.
I can actually read your comments with a sense of compassion, because I was once like you. Now after 5 years in a home with a young boy who has multiple diagnoses and who does not respond to meds or treatment, I know the difference.
Walk a mile in our shoes critics. Then come and talk about it.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I was thinking what a wonderful thing it would be if somebody would start a webpage for family members of the "Adam Lanza's" out there-- to share their stories and to fight against gun violence.
Here's my story below:
I have a brother who developed a life-altering mental illness (paranoid schizophrenia) at the age of 19. Prior to this, he was a good student a prestigious university, a talented athlete, and charming lady's man. Despite having the support of his family and friends, and because of the nature of his illness and the inadequacy of the mental health system, it took us nearly 2 years to get him on a regular medication regimen. In this country, the only way to forcibly give an adult medication is if they threaten to hurt themselves or others. The problem is, most of these kids are smart, and they know the system. They know what exactly to do to keep from going to the hospital, and by the time the disease progresses enough to get them hospitalized, their brains have been damaged to the point of no return.
After nearly 5 years of being controlled on medication, my brother decided to experiment with discontinuing his meds, against his family's wishes. This time he deteriorated more quickly and more deeply into a psychotic state that was impossible to control. He made my mother's life a living hell, screaming at her and throwing things at her, then disappearing for days on end. He was arrested twice for minor infractions. He was found one night sleeping in the gutter, despite having a nice apartment of his own. Eventually he was sent to jail, being charged with a felony for assaulting an officer, for what started as a violation for riding the train without a ticket. It took us over a year of constant chaos and repeated (5-6) hospitalizations to collect enough evidence to take away his right to make his own medical decisions and get him a temporary conservator to manage his care. At that point, he was so deteriorated mentally, we didn't know if he would ever be able to function in society normally again.
He’s now 28 years old and it's been a year since he was first given a conservator. We still need to show up at periodic hearings where it is determined whether he will remain under conservatorship. We live in constant fear that at any moment he will be given his right back to make his own medical decisions, a task he is clearly unable to do. Because it took so long to get him medical treatment, it has taken even longer to get him back to a functioning state. Even after one year of steady medication, he still is unable to live normally in society. He is a far cry from who he was before, and never will be that person again.
Sadly, I do not think he will ever again be able to lead a normal life, and neither will my family. I blame the terrible mental health system for failing to help him in time despite our best efforts.
I wish you and your family the best. It's a long difficult road, but your son is lucky he has you to protect him from his disease the best way that you can. If more people out there would make their story public, perhaps we can take away the stigma of mental illness and prevent mass shootings like this in the first place.
I just wanted to say that I saw a post by Concerned Mother about EEG Neurofeedback.
My son is currently going through this treatment for depression, it works on a LOT of mental issues and he is having great improvement. the good thing about it too, is that it is most always a permanent solution with NO drugs. It is something you should def at least research. It's changing my son's life and the nurse who referred me to it, told me that her nephew went through it and told his family that it literally saved his life.
There are things that can help other than putting your child into the system and trying to let them deal with it. The system is broken and rarely can help these children.
And people, really? Stop with the negativity. If you don't have something positive or at least not hateful don't post!! No one wants to hear your crap!~!
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you are going through this, and sorry your son is going through this. But I have to tell you -- you are not Adam Lanza's mother -- unless you've filled your home with guns (some of them semi-automatic) and are taking your son out shooting and teaching him to use them, as well as keeping extended clips and large amounts of ammo accessible to your child -- you are not Adam Lanza's mother. She did those things, and it seems you are doing what you can to prevent your child from doing harm. The situation is horrible all the way around, and the US needs to do a better job of dealing with mental illness. But you seem to be aware that arming your son would be a very bad idea -- and Adam Lanza's mother, according to the reports, did exactly that -- she both armed him, and taught him how to use those guns.... she not only failed to defuse this, she enabled it. And you sound as though you'd never do that... so you're already doing a better job.
Good luck to you. I hope you and your son find a way to make his life better and keep him from doing harm along the way.
I'm one of the people that just posted a link to your blog on my facebook page. Since the tragedy in Connecticut, I've been saying that it's not about gun control, it's about addressing the serious gaps in the treatment of mental health and the lack of resources for parents and family. My heart goes out to you.
A very moving story about your son. And one that clearly points to the need for more mental health awareness than gun control legislation. You are doing the right thing and he is where he is supposed to be getting the help he needs. I as a parent recognize that this is one thing that is more of a living hell for the parent, doing the right thing....
I could not possibly agree with you more. Guns are clearly a problem in the U.S. but mental health is a much bigger one and most people completely over look it. I sincerely hope that this post of yours in some way or another really does help make someone realize that something needs to be done about it.
Furthermore, I'd like to express my deepest hope that your son's doctors help figure out what is causing him to behave this way, and that one day he will be his normal sweet self all of the time.
PANS/PANDAS and possibly high blood pressure: those may be what's wrong with your son. PANS is a neuropsychiatric disorder in which the brain swells when the body comes in contact with viruses or infections, even if they do not manifest. Treatment is antibiotics, ibuprofen, and in extreme cases, IVIG. Our son developed it in grade 2 and had to be transferred to the emotional disturbance program for violent outbursts. He began treatment 8 months later when we learned about it. Now in grade 4, he is an honor student and is often lauded for being so kind to his classmates. He also takes Intuniv to lower his blood pressure, which decreases his fight-or-flight response. My son was on the path of yours. I never had a knife pulled on me, but it certainly would have been in my future if we hadn't learned about what's wrong. I wish you well and sincerely hope this message doesn't get lost among all these responses.
Thank you.
Saying it again so those in need may see it. Get your children evaluated for BPD-Borderline Personality Disorder. Learning DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills from a counselor often leads to great gains. It helps them to manage the emotional storm that they live in. DBT skills are also helpful for family and friends to learn as they will then be able to interact with the individual so the their behaviors are less likely to escalate.
I wanted to add that if you have not done so, ask for neuro-psychological evaluation, not just a psychological evaluation. I had my children tested outside of school, so I would get unbiased results. I worked as a teacher and as an administrator in a special ed school, so I was familiar with the process of testing. If your child has a disorder listed in the DSM, the school should have to take action. The state where I live has to accept outside evaluations. Be very proactive in your son's life, because schools often follow the path of least resistance, unless challenged. When my children have become explosive, I knew that there was a significant underlying problem, such as bullying, or the school was requiring him to conform to some useless rule. I had it written into their IEPs things such as, they are allowed to chew gum in school (sensory), once they have mastered a math lesson, they do not have to do homework on that subject, etc... When you mentioned the pants thing, I was thinking, why does he have to wear a certain color? Those are the battles you should not have to fight. The school needs to conform to him, not the other way around.
Prayers for you and your family. You're obviously an amazing mother, who wants only the absolute best thing for her son.
Oh and a big key is finding the right doctor. My ex wife and I went through around 20+ doctors/therapists etc to find the right one. This one is a pediatric neurologist who treats our son holistically in that she looks at everything-medical, psychological, medicinal, diet, etc. She has been very sucessful with him. As some have mentioned, diet can play a big role, eliiminate caffiene and red dye, and get him on the right medication.
And just ignore those critisizing your or saying your son just neds a spanking or is a demon child, they are simply wrong and sick people themselves.
Thank you! After Friday's incident, I wrote a close friend a message. "Remember that fear I told you about when thinking about the future of my children. Well, today is my worst nightmare, not as I think about being a parent of a victim, but a parent of the shooter." I have four children, two biological boys, both have Autism, then two adopted daughters, one with Reactive Attachment Disorder and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. My daughter, especially scare me. Thank you so much for sharing this! Perhaps it will start a movement in the right direction!
Liza, I grieve for you and your son. I myself have a mental illness and have put my family through great distress over the years. Looking back I am remorseful and sometimes ashamed of the way I treated my parents (the things I said, the harm I brought to myself and them). I am so thankful for posts such as yours because after experiencing the failing system of mental health care, America should be embarrassed. I was improperly diagnosed 4 times until my doctors accepted Bipolar II as a diagnosis. There are so many schemas and misconceptions and boxes that those who don't understand, try to fit others (like me) into, to try and soothe their minds. I will continue to pray for your family and for peace and understanding.
go to the best nutritionist you can find, study and follow meticulously what they say; if you do this you will have results and if you don't, you are not doing all you can to help this child and remove him and yourself from this hell and dangerous situation
I was linked to you blog post via Reddit.com and, while I don't normally ever comment on blogs, I have to here. I don't even know how to start, except to say that I am absolutely disgusted at what I have just read here today. Not only are you posing very personal, private details of your child's struggles on the internet, you are posting a PICTURE of him so that anyone who comes across this can identify him easily and quickly. That includes anyone from his school that may want to use this information against him. That alone makes you a very irresponsible parent, and also, it states clearly to me that you lack any empathy for your son.
I am a 27 year old diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Your son? He's a cakewalk compared to how I was. By the time I was 5 I had already been in fights involving weapons.
I was by no means easy, but you know what? My parents NEVER treated me the way you are treating your child. They sought help from numerous therapists before I'd trust one. They never threatened me with mental hospitals. They never taught my sibling to run away from me in fear. They didn't have an "escape plan" because they didn't feel the need to escape me. So now, I'm a 27 year old nursing student who actually helps treat others with mental illnesses and disabilities. I give credit to my ability to be a safe, functioning member of society to my parents for NEVER giving up, and NEVER loving me less.
You, however, are not like them. You post a picture with details that would humiliate your child under the guise of "awareness." You threaten and berate your child, and teach his siblings to fear him. You make me sick. And, quite frankly, you may want to change it up before he gets big enough that your threats give him a reason to really hurt you.
This is not a threat from me. This is experience. I see it in myself, I see it in my residents, and I see it in the research.
So, as much as I feel for you because living with one of "us" is bloody difficult, you need to stop this nonsense. Please get YOURSELF into therapy, and figure out a game plan that won't mess your son up worse.
And the threats? Let me just assure you that all threats ever did to me, or anyone else I've met with BPD, is get us to see how much worse we can hurt the person making the threats. YOU FUEL HIM WITH YOUR ANGER. Stop it. Right now.
And take his picture off the internet. You know, the majority of my residents have mentioned how embarrassed and shamed their families have made them feel. Stop it.
God bless you and Michael.... Thank you for voicing the challenge facing so many families so beautifully.
You are different from the Adam Lanza's Mother -you have not taught your son, nor do I assume plan to, handle and shoot guns, nor keep them and large amounts of ammo in your house. That makes you profoundly different. Thank you.
As awful and tragic as this event is the first thing that went through my mind when I heard the name and age of the shooter was 'I wonder if he has a diagnosis'. That's not to say all mass killers have a mental illness ~ let's face it some people kill for other reasons (political/religious etc) but I too have a son with severe behavioural problems (aged 20) with many of the same 'labels' thrown about as you've experienced with your son. A clear difference would be that J has an average IQ of just 62 and is in the bottom 5% of population in terms of cognitive functioning. We're in the UK, we have a supposedly free national health service, but for almost 4 years now I've been fighting for recognition for my son. I've been fighting for an appropriate diagnosis and support. You had such courage taking him to the hospital. That's not even an option here. If I take him there the police will be called and he'll be incarcerated. Only professionals can section him and because they don't recognise the extent of his disability (because I can't even get them to see him!)and we haven't got a firm diagnosis he will be dealt with through the courts if he 'misbehaves'. Our health systems may be vastly different, but the services available and care given both seem abysmally similar. I hope you get M the help he needs as I hope we all get help for our children.
Every single Christmas I wait to see if the family shot by their mentally ill relative is mine that year. I teach my kids to look for the exits... To not worry about me or their cousins but to move if something starts. And then we go celebrate with our family. And then I watch the news to see who's family it was that year... if any. And there's always someone.
The key to this terrible tragedy lies in the prescription drugs that are being dolled out to these children which have serious mind altering side effects. Taken from the list of side effects of Zyprexa: changes in personality, unusual thoughts or behavior, hallucinations, or thoughts about hurting yourself or others. The prescription drug companies are raking in billions while our children are suffering terrible consequences, and now our nation due to the Sandy Hook tragedy. Adam Lanza was on drugs for years and obviously that was not the answer. It is time to stop the drug companies who and look to greater gun control. Both are killers. Please do not blindly trust the physicians handing out these drugs. Do your research. Please look to alternative methods for treating your children.
As a single mother with a lack of support and seemingly lacking of information about all the options you have to help your son become a well adjusted young man can be a horror. Since I have walked in those shoes, this article pisses me off - there are abundant resources available to you. It pisses me off that the health care workers and the social workers gave you inappropriate information. It pisses me off that your tone is dismissive of your child and that it smells of giving up. It pisses me off that you use hospitalization as a threat and turns it into a negative experience.
It pisses me off that this cry for help is going to the wrong people with this article and it merely perpetuates the stigma associated with individuals who are living with special needs.
Each child is different in responding to treatment, but CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) in a combination of other types of therapy can and has done wonders for my brother who we went through hell with during his puberty growth. (My brother is high functioning Austism likely stemming from traumatic brain injury from severe epilepsy in his youth.) I've had screw drivers pulled on me, multiple outbursts from him. Once he got past a certain point, there was no talking him down. We were in hell too.
When we didn't get satisfaction from a social worker or a doctor on what to do, we looked elsewhere - you don't just give up. We went to see Dr. Federici (http://www.drfederici.com) who is a World Reknown Child Psychologist who was at the time credited for an amazing program dealing with Adopted Children who were previously institutionalized who had significant behavior problems.
It takes consistent work, therapy, and patience. But these children are not evil or horrors. These are children who are desperately trying to communicate who are in deep depression, who are lonely and empty in their world due to their inability to relate and communicate to others. They need the care and understanding of a good support system to learn the tools they need to cope and communicate effectively.
My brother is not Adam Lanza, or any of those previous shooters. I am not Adam Lanza's sister, and seeing that I have a NVLD as well as having been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Type II, I am not Adam Lanza. These shooters are not the face of Brain Illnesses. They are the face of someone who has had everyone give up on them.
Every single Christmas I wait to see if the family shot by their mentally ill relative is mine that year. I teach my kids to look for the exits... To not worry about me or their cousins but to move if something starts. And then we go celebrate with our family. And then I watch the news to see who's family it was that year... if any. And there's always someone.
Every single Christmas I wait to see if the family shot by their mentally ill relative is mine that year. I teach my kids to look for the exits... To not worry about me or their cousins but to move if something starts. And then we go celebrate with our family. And then I watch the news to see who's family it was that year... if any. And there's always someone.
So sorry for you on two fronts. You have this problem with your son and you live in a country where having a gun is normal. My heart goes out to you but in looking at mental health [and it is a problem in England as well] and ignoring the gun issue you will never find an answer.
Kylie Dunn, your proposal to limit access to semi- and fully-automatic weapons is simplistic and naive. There are already thousands if not millions of these types of weapons in circulation around the world. To implement limited access now might only marginally impact the acquisition of those weapons that can be purchased or otherwise acquired today and going forward. Notwithstanding those weapons to be manufactured, every single pistol and long gun is already in the hands of someone, including criminals. I don't know about you, but I would sure hesitate to approach an armed criminal and demand he hand over his machine gun. Like it or not, there will always be guns, even if every single type is outlawed.
Several posts here by sufferers of mental illness refer to spending time in nature as part of their self-treatment and/or recovery. This does not surprise me, and I think it is key. I strongly believe that kids from infancy forward need to be taken by parents or trusted role models, away from TVs, video games, movies, etc., and learn who they are relative to the real world. They need to be put into situations where they are responsible for their survival and must work, think and create in order to succeed in a wild and natural setting. By being able not only to survive but thrive in nature, individuals are much more likely to forge an identity and develop confidence, as well as respect for life. The disconnect from nature that has been supplanted with violent video games and such now pervades several generations; it concerns me that we are losing our recognition of the importance nature and the outdoors as proving grounds for the soul. Leave the gun issue alone, and take your kids fishing or camping, and put them to work out there. They will love it.
I found your blog post "accidentally" upon on Twitter. I was deeply saddened by the events in CT recently and spent much of Friday afternoon crying holding my 3 month old son close.
Since then, I have been trying to figure out how to help. After reading your blog, perhaps I can help in some small way your Michael in order to help all of the Adams' out there. I am an energy worker helping children and teens heal emotional and mental blockages. The fastest way to explain is to suggest you go to my website to see if this work might resonate with you: http://www.jenniferclark.ca/?page_id=1091
I offer it to you as my gift and as my way of helping out Newtown. I do hope you read this offer in the spirit it has been written, not as a solicitation or promotion but rather as one mother reaching out a helping hand to another.
Regards,
Jennifer
Thanks to the ACLU and their push to end mental hospitals, we have lots of homelessness and violent people on the streets or in relatives' homes. Anti-psychotic drugs aren't any help if they're not taken. It's amazing to me the choices the left makes regarding what to control and what to leave to "free" individuals.
I don't want to write words is empathy about the impact of mental illness on families,communities, job sites, our nation... Come on America! This is national dysfunctionalism! Denial, avoidance,rationalization is just that! We are collectively avoiding fundamental issues of love, concern, worth and a host of other issues of enmeshment or the big ugly co-dependency! This is not going to go away, and avoiding facts, knowing how to separate people we care about from the diseases they suffer is the cycling madness of denial-avoidance-rationalization behavior. Most American families in one way or another are connected to mental illness. This is another form of reality in the human species_ how do we want to embrace our collective reality in compassionate, we'll-being?!!!
Extremely well written article! I read it in its total and complete entirety.--Very sorry that you're having so much difficulty w/your son.
I remember you stated that your son, Michael, has been on so many types of pills/drugs to hopefully alleviate his state of mind/behavior and still to supposedly 'no avail' has this 'helped him.' For starters, and with all due respect, you 'ended' your article with the words: 'God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.' ...Again, with all due respect, I am a VERY Spiritual person and in short, I've 'experienced' the spiritual world TANGIBLY. It DOES exist! And there's 'good and bad' spirits. Have you entertained the possibility of your child/Michael possibly needing a 'spiritual cleansing' (if you get my implication here)..because when 'bad spirits' have a chance to slip into someone's body (because of negative conditions, attitudes,etc) they will! And they will cause that person to raise all kinds of havoc. Again, with all due respect, if you TRULY meant that you want GOD to help you, then seek out a Catholic priest (most of them perform 'spiritual cleansings' (I don't want to use that 'E' word as much as I'm alluding to that possibly being the case with your son), but it's not just Catholic priest that perform these, but you can go to 'religious retreats' etc. even, where they perform these. I PROMISE you, this may be a POSSIBILITY w/your beautiful son and I've only said everything here that I've said OUT OF TOTAL AND DEEP CONCERN 4 YOUR SON. ...TRULY...'MAY God help you, your son, and us all as a whole human species on this planet. Ah-men. P.S. With God...ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE...and 'he made us, can break us, and remake us'...stick with him--JesusChrist/God...and you'll NEVERRR GO WRONG. Again...Amen and God Bless. (If you are on Twitter, feel free to follow me, at: www.twitter.com/beachbum4ever --Thank you.
December 16, 2012 11:36 AM
Love your son and empathize with him. He is being an anarchist in his own right -that's the way he sees it. He wants absolute freedom. He is the male child version of you in 2012 internalized with all of society's violent solutions to problems. Do not give up in seeking help for both of you!
I am so sorry you are going through this. I was in your shoes not too long ago. My oldest two children are both diagnosed as bipolar but I always thought there was way more to it. We were on a first name basis with all the police in our town. We did the two week hospital stays every time the rages would get out of control. We have been threatened with knives and more. Somehow my two made it to adulthood and somewhere along the way lost most of their violent tendencies. Both still have major mental issues but are functioning in society. Something I never thought I would ever see. I hope you find the help you need with your son.
My heart goes out to you and I pray that something gets changed soon. My son is in his 30's now and I pray for any woman that he ever has in his life. He started being violent when he was about 4. We could not leave smaller children along with him because of his actions. At times he had been caught with small objects tearing at his own mouth (basically it was simular to cutting himself). I could not leave his younger sister alone with him ever. If I did she would be covered in bruises and welts when I returned. When he was 13 the grand finale came when at school time I told him that it was time to go catch the bus. He attacked me with a butcher knife. Thank God that I was ex-military and was exceptionally strong at the time. We ended up with a multitude of holes in the walls from the fight and by the time the police got there I had the knife. He was taken to juvenile detention for the day and put in lockdown. The next morning as we were planning to move to another state we were ordered to come pick him up. They brought him out, handcuffed him to the truck and told us that we could not legally leave him with any family there and we must take him with us. If we did not it would be desertion. We were told that it did not matter what person had legal custody of him that they did not want him there anymore. We were told "Good luck with our problem". When we arrived at our destination I found an uncle from his fathers side of the family that decided to try to help with him. He went into therapy for a short period of time and finally when he was so old he quit going. Now he is violent toward women and he has a young daughter. I am not allowed to see her because he blames me for his problems. I fear for her safety and any other woman he is with. I have found that dimentia runs rampid in my mothers side of the family 5 out of a6 of her brothers had it. Also my mother and at least 2 of her sisters. He is extremely intelligent but has a terrible temper and refused to go through school. All out there beware of mental illness in your family. Do a serious check. Find out about your ancestery. It might save your life and hopefully the lives of others. Sometimes there is a fine line between intelligence and insanity.
This article is a breath of fresh air for all the wrong reasons. We live this life. We live in fear of what our daughter will do next. We live in fear that when we say "we need help" or "she needs help" we'll be accused of being "down on" her or that we are "over reacting". We live in fear that she will lie again that one of us beat her. We live in fear that at some point she will kill someone. We live in fear that she will abuse another child as she's done before. My heart goes out to you, because we live your life and it's a lonely, isolated place where even your own family think you're wrong for saying your child needs to be in a secure place. We feel your pain and we hope for the best for you, Michael and your other children.
I'm a parent, and I was a younger sibling of a dangerous and violent brother who made my life hell. At 60, I am still undoing the damage. Your courage in looking at the trouble in the face is one of the most important things you can do for you other children, and I know how hard it can be to be exhausted and afraid, but still you go on. I hope you find a solution that works for everyone, and thank you for your post.
Please, please, do not make your son a juvenile offender--he does not belong in that system. Years ago, I was in your same shoes. We had a son who had a whole list of diagnoses and we too had tried everything we knew to do. Then, at one point we were told, just like you, that if we made a paper trail with the justice system then we could get help. As soon as the gavel went down adjudicating him an unruly child, we were all escorted downstairs and shown "shock camp" films where juvenile offenders were made to stand out in the hot sun while officers screamed in their faces about how "bad" they all were. When one of the young men, with tears streaming down his face, replied, "I'm sorry, sir." The officer screamed in his face, "That's right, your sorry--that's why you are in here!" We also watched as they strapped those that "broke" while in these camps to beds with leather straps because that was the only way they could subdue them. Then, after viewing this film, which I sat and cried through thinking,"What have we done?", we were escorted to an isolation room with no windows or light, where my son was told that if he acted out he would be put for hours. It didn't matter that I had already told the judge and everyone else that he self-mutilates (pulls all his toenails off) when isolated, but it didn't matter-- he was no longer going to be treated as a mentally disabled young man, but as a criminal. I prayed everyday, and always said he was doing great until we finished our three month probation period. After a very long story...the lifesaver for our family came through a book and a method taught by Dr. Ross W. Greene, Ph.D., the Associate Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He is the author of, The Explosive Child & Lost at School and his method is called Collaborative Problem Solving. It is a non-traditional approach and not at all what is recommended by the majority of the professional community, BUT IT WORKS! It's main premise is that "Children do well if they can." In other words, if these children could do well, they would. They don't want to be this way, but they don't have the ability to process their world like neuro-typical children & adults do. You become for them a type of surrogate frontal lobe of the brain helping them to manage their anxiety & stress through identifying triggers, proactively preventing meltdowns, and coming up with mutually satisfying solutions to problems that arise. It takes some work up front and requires that you put aside all the traditional ways of thinking about the parent/child relationship regarding discipline, respect, etc, BUT I can not stress enough that it works. Dr. Greene has a website http://www.livesinthebalance.org which details his methods through free video and written materials and Dr. Greene is so passionate about helping these lost children, teens, and adults that he takes calls and answers emails. So, as having totally been there--locking other children in the car, sending them to live with grandparents, having deadbolts on doors and windows throughout the house, multiple hospitalizations, medications, juvenile justice system, and even turning our child over to the state--please check out Dr. Ross Greene and Collaborative Problems Solving--There is hope!!
I have no words of wisdom or comfort for you, but know that I will never forget what you wrote and I will always remember you and Michael and hope and pray for the best for you both and for your entire family.
I know it sounds a bit odd, but have you ever tried tracking his diet and seeing if there's any patterns in the 3 days or so before he flips?
It could potentially be an allergy, as strange as that sounds.
I knew someone who flipped out like that if they ate any aspartame... it was noticed that they were flipping out after popping a stick of gum in their mouth, like clockwork they'd start acting odd a few minutes later, and within an hour they were completely irrational.
Love and peace to you, strength and aid. Thank you so much for sharing your heart-wrenching story.
I just want to give you some support, I have a seven year old with ADD and ODD. We aren't to the place you are now, I won't lie, your post scares the crap out of me thinking this could be our future. Like you I fight for doing what is best for my child and hoping and praying for the best. I often feel like a failure as a mom because I can't just just fix this, I would imagine that sometimes you might think this too. Deep down I know I am not because I keep fighting for him despite how I feel. I hope you have a minister, counselor or best friend to help you through this. I pray your son gets the help he needs and is not lost. Praying for your family from NM.
I have no idea if the author of this blog is doing the right things or not. But to the posters who are calling her a terrible parent and saying that SHE is a problem: Do you have children? Do you have a child who acts this way? Her son's behavior is extreme. Apparently her other children do not behave this way. So, there is clearly an issue with this kid. I'm guessing you neg posters either don't have kids or they don't have these kinds of problems.
Parents, if you haven't heard of the book Gut and Psychology Syndrome, I highly recommend it. It certainly can't account for all of the mental illness children face today, but may be the key to some of it. Our typical American diet is to blame for so many diseases and mental illness.
Dear Lisa, I have one son who did not have mental illness and I wasn't sure we would both survive. (We did) One idea which came to my mind is to find a way for Dr. Daniel Amen to do a brain scan on your son. http://www.amenclinics.com/ I'm sure the money could be found. It was very helpful for my sister. Much love, Helen
My first initial thought is, has he been sexually abused? Most people would dismiss that option far too quickly but statistics show that children with disabilities are much more likely to be sexually abused than other children (sad but true). On top of that sexual abuse is far more prevalent and widespread than people believe. One in six boys have been sexually abused (see references below). He may have other disorders that could potentially explain his behavior but his it could also be his response to a traumatic event(s) that he cannot put into words. There are many good kids, from great homes, who suddenly become trouble-makers as a result of sexual abuse. I was one of those children and thought for years that my personality had changed forever until I got help and began to heal. The truth is that no parent can entirely protect his/her child from abuse because there are so many settings in which abuse can occur. If you are considering this option at all, I recommend two books on the subject: Mending the Soul by Steven Tracy and Rid of My Disgrace by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb. Both books are credible (well-researched). They are written by Christian authors; however, they are very honest about how prevalent abuse is in the church. Just a thought for you. I will pray for you, that you will continue to give truth in love and not feel responsible for what is out of your control. I will also pray for your son, that he will be set free from the oppression he is under to transform into someone more gentle, loving and kind that you could have ever imagined he would become. Thanks for choosing to persevere, have hope and for being vulnerable and humble enough to share yourself and your life with so many others.
I know it sounds a bit odd, but have you ever tried tracking his diet and seeing if there's any patterns in the 3 days or so before he flips?
It could potentially be an allergy, as strange as that sounds.
I knew someone who flipped out like that if they ate any aspartame... it was noticed that they were flipping out after popping a stick of gum in their mouth, like clockwork they'd start acting odd a few minutes later, and within an hour they were completely irrational.
These kids tend to be highly aware of the world around them and their cross to bear is the information (often times negative) they store away. They are our future politicians, professors, scientists, engineers, etc. They need creative outlets and better socialization. Where is our education system?
My heart is breaking for you as much as for the families of Conn. Thank you for sharing your fears, and I hope it will prompt positive, constructive solutions.
I will pray for your family and your son.
Firstly, I have to say that I really appreciate you sharing your story. It takes courage to stand up and say something, especially so soon after this recent tragedy. I have a child that is still very young, but has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS (on the autism spectrum) and I often wonder what difficulties we will have to face when he gets older.
Secondly, I have a suggestion. I don't know all of your sons symptoms or anything really at all about "Michael", but from the little that you have written, it sounds very similar to what my nephew goes through. My nephew is very smart, insanely smart and at one point was thought to have aspergers syndrom but then was told it was just ADHD. He would turn from a normal sweet little kid to a mean, uncontrollable monster in a matter of seconds. When he was in his "monster" state, he would tackle the other children, take toys away, hit, bite and destroy things. It almost seemed like he was trying to do anything to provoke others and get a huge reaction, even if it was a bad reaction. He took forever to calm down and sometimes the next day he would cry and say he was so sorry and he didn't want to be bad anymore. His mother was grasping at straws trying to find anything that would help him. She came across some articles written about artificial chemicals affecting how children act and react to situations. The most prominent of these was artificial food dyes, also though, nitrates (a preservative in meats) can also have adverse reactions, especially in younger children. So, having nothing to lose, she removed all artificial dyes from her house and bought only natural meats (she actually bought a half pig and quarter beef from the butcher directly for her house). I honestly thought that she had finally broken. She was a nut. However, a few weeks after she did this (yes, it took a few weeks for all the toxins to work their way out of his body) he became a totally different kid. He was helpful instead of hurtful, he was obedient, he was aware of others and simply put, he was changed. I couldn't believe the difference it made. In fact, it is such a huge difference that if he happens to accidentally get dye in his system we all notice the behavior change almost immeadiately and can trace it back to some random oversite in a treat he ate. It is very noticeable. As such, I have removed artificial dyes from my home too. About a month after doing that, my son, the one with PDD-NOS, who was non-verbal before, started talking. Yep. No joke.
Anyhow, this may be something you've already tried. Or maybe there is no connection at all, in fact that is more likely. I figure that it doesn't hurt to try though. All you lose is a little bit of effort and time but you may gain so much if it helps. If it doesn't help you, maybe it will help someone else reading this blog.
Again, thanks for sharing and letting me share.
Tears flowed down my face as I was reading your story, because it too is mine. Only my son is five and right now it's hard, really hard. And we are seeing shrinks and trying drugs and it's all a big mess, and it makes me not want to be with my son, but I know I have to, because I need to fight for him. I need to make sure he doesn't become the next Adam Lanza...I know this sound crazy, but if you could email me that would be great. It would be nice to have someone to talk to about this. No one else seems to understand they think it's just a matter of better discipline or drugs...no one knows what it's like until they walk a mile in that person's shoes. Thinking of you and your family.
Liza, thank you for sharing of this incredibly well written and timely post. The dialogue it has sparked is intense, much needed and long overdue. (I'm watching it go viral so am hopeful for some positive response, not just in the USA but in Canada where I live and around the world.
Society has abandoned mothers like you and children (and adults) like Michael. Grateful for your courageous sharing, sending love and encouragement to you and thinking about how I might be part of a positive action to address this from my corner of the world.
oh my gosh... your words hit such raw truth...
I am also the mother of a more-than-challenging child and I feel like my family has been screaming "we need help" for a long time. We are fortunate to have separate insurance for our son, and we are fortunate to have people who respond to our desperate times with immediacy, creativity & compassion.
Still, there seems to be no "nation-wide conversation" and I hadn't realized how much I long for exactly that until I read your words and started to cry.
Thank you for expressing so honestly & straight-forwardly what's in the hearts of so many mothers. We need help.
You made a difference for me & my family today. I am grateful.
Cathy at Autism Home Rescue
http://autismhomerescue.wordpress.com/2011/10/30/the-biter/
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I feel for you. I grew up with a little brother very similar to Michael. Though, he was not near the same IQ, I remember several occasions I feared for my life. He was diagnosed with ADD, Oppositional defiance disorder, had sociopathic tendencies, extra y chromosome, and interim explosive disorder. He's since been diagnosed with borderline schizophrenia, he's yet to have a break. The doctorssay the same thing "your best bet is jail" and it's sad. It's as though they fall between the cracks and are in limbo. Especially my brother, because he's not considered an immediate threat to himself or others. Keep your head up...maybe we as families can rally together and make a change. My thoughts are with you in your hard time.
Dear Liza,
On Friday while you were feeling and writing this, I was thinking about my fifteen year-old mentally ill daughter. After three years in a therapeutic group home she has learned a bit of remorse. Enough to say, "I'm sorry I hit you once, Mom," in regard to the one time that it was so bad I was carried to an ambulance on a stretcher. No sense of remorse (or recollection? for all the other times. She put many lives in danger beyond our family, as well (a number of younger children). We were shunned by our church family and community, except two dear friends. My husband never wanted to call the police. After she cold cocked me screaming at unconscious me to get up or she would kill me, I called the police every time. I carried a police MagLite flashlight when I was alone with her. We locked her in her room at times-she eventually broke through the door. A female police officer who came once gave me back the fork I'd given to my daughter locked in her room with her dinner. Closing the door behind her and returning the fork to me, the officer told me, "Don't ever give her a weapon again."
After 12 police and fire department calls from our home and a few major thefts at school a wonderful police detective filed a Child In Need of Services Petition that brought us all to court. For two years the State social workers and juvenile parole officers charged us twice with abuse and neglect, because we told the judge we could not take her home and begged for her to be put in a therapeutic group home--our six therapists and two psychiatrists and two psych hospital stays had been unable to help her. I lost my standing as a special ed teacher because her elementary school believed her lies and her ability to charm anyone she wants something from. She could barely make friends and never keep them--because she would hurt them. My second biggest fear (after fear of my own murder) was, and still is, that she may one day kill another child. I love her and grieve for her but we finally acknowledged that we could not help her while she remains unwilling or unable to work with us toward healing. At 15, there is still no official diagnosis, maybe borderline personality disorder. I pray for your son, you and your family. Hold your head up and never let anyone tell you you are a bad mother.
You call yourself "the anarchist soccer mom" and you send your kid to a school with strict dress code?!?!
I wish I had found your blong before the Connecticut incident.
I am a social worker and work with children with behavioral concerns. I see this kind of stuff quite a bit. While I'm early on in my career, I can tell anyone who thinks that this brave mother is exaggerating, she IS NOT. Not by any means. This is a serious issue amongst our youth and parents. It is not always the fault of the parent(s) nor is it always the child's fault.
The mental health system certainly needs work. There are some great facilities in place but then some are extremely lacking. Sometimes it seems like there is no correct combination of medications in the world that can help, no correct amount of praise, encouragement, and love. It is still a mystery in many ways what causes a person to react in such ways.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your story. I hope you continue to document this.
You are brave, you are handling the situation the best way you know how. Keep fighting for Michael, your kids, and please keep fighting for yourself. Also, don't forget to breathe.
amen and amen. I would pick you up from the hospital if we real-life friends, take you to Starbucks and weep a river of tears into our latte's. This is the hidden reality for too many of our lives - thanks for posting - you are the one other blogger I mentioned in my post at urbanservant....those of us who know exactly how it happens...who watch it unfold and are unable to stop it. Peace to you -
http://urbanservant.blogspot.com/2012/12/shootings-silence-of-understanding.html
I believe we need to start some kind of mom coalition to make something happen. Please contact me, I am looking for people to join. But also thank you for posting, my mom is dealing with this right now with her adult son.
Your son's behavior reminds me of my own behavior when I was manic. I found out a few months ago I am bipolar. I don't have much memory of the few months I was acting off the wall, but my friends and family would report sudden mood swings (minutes or hours). I would try to start physical fights with complete strangers. Has he been looked at for that? It's rare but bipolar does crop up in children.
Please consider having your son assessed for PANDAS/PANS, an infection-triggered autoimmune disorder that can cause sometimes severe neuropsychiatric symptoms. Treatment requires eliminating the underlying infections, which commonly include strep, mycoplasma pneumonia, and EBV, in addition to others. You write that your son's eyes are very dilated; this is a sign of this illness and some of the behaviors you describe are all too familiar to parents of children with this disorder. Routinely, psychiatrists fail to look for infection and other medical causes of mental illness despite the well established history of neurosyphillis. I am sorry the medical profession has so failed you.
amen and amen. I would pick you up from the hospital if we real-life friends, take you to Starbucks and weep a river of tears into our latte's. This is the hidden reality for too many of our lives - thanks for posting - you are the one other blogger I mentioned in my post at urbanservant....those of us who know exactly how it happens...who watch it unfold and are unable to stop it. Peace to you -
http://urbanservant.blogspot.com/2012/12/shootings-silence-of-understanding.html
Please, please check out the system called Parent Effectiveness Training. Michael is clearly a gifted child, and your current methods of communicating with him (the coercion and strictness you describe in your post, for example in response to his pants) are driving him to despair. Before it's too late, you can learn how to actually communicate with him in this book: http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Responsible-Children/dp/0609806939
While I've felt frustration as a parent, it does not even compare to the struggles you deal with. I hope it strengthens you to know that other Moms are pulling for you. Hang in there!
While I've felt frustration as a parent, it does not even compare to the struggles you deal with. I hope it strengthens you to know that other Moms are pulling for you. Hang in there!
I read your article Lisa, and as a single mother to a special needs son, I feel where you are coming from...I am fortunate that my son does not have a violent temper...His outbursts are very rare, and mostly directed at himself, sadly so...I feel I am fortunate that I was able to be home with him as he has grown up...I have refused to medicate him with pharmaceuticals, but we both take supplements and dieter has been very intricate to our lives...It's not easy, but we are able to communicate and work together...
P.S. I keep trying to find the follow button on your blog...Can you tell me how I can follow you, please?
Thank You for putting my life in perpective. The words,feelings and emotions is how I feel with the life of my son Zach.
Thank you!
Thank you to everyone who has posted here, reading your stories helps me feel less alone. For all of you that have had your children committed, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's got to be the hardest thing to do...as like you say, this is the child that you know is so sensitive, that likes to snuggle his animals still.
I think we need to start some kind of mom/parent coalition. Anyone know of one I can join? Contact me, I'm interested in getting something going.
I know that many, many people have had success with putting their kids on the GAPS diet to help with ADD/ADHD/Autism Spectrum/Tourettes/undiagnosable/etc. I would really suggest looking in to it, and other environmental or food factors. It's not an easy diet, but there's no side effects and anything's worth a shot, right?
America has a 30+ year old experiment to homecare and mainstream the violently mentally ill instead of institutionalizing them.
It's not going well. We have literally turned our streets, our homes, our schools, our malls, and our theaters into asylums where the mentally ill can live out their delusions and kill.
It's way past time to reconsider the Community Mental Health act and literally restore sanity to our lives.
It has become clear to me, Anarchist Soccer Mom (a user name I could have chosen for myself) that anarchy is the only way we are going to repair this society. You are absolutely right about everything you've posted on the treatment of mental illness in the USA. If that were our only problem, it would be enough.
One has to question the mental health of the mother of the shooter in this case in storing weapons in her home with an obviously ill son.
It is men and women like you that have made this nation great. Thank you for your bravery, and for coming forward with this.
Now it is our turn to show courage, and have the difficult discussion about how to fix this broken system.
Thank you.
Respectfully,
Matt Rogers
Mental illness. Neurologists. Dietary theories.
Sure he is diagnosed. Sure his brain is different. Sure if you adjust his intake of nutrients and give him drugs his behavior will change. That is not the heart of the matter.
Your son is a different breed. Treat him as such. You cannot raise a wolf as a golden retriever. You keep a wolf in your home. You love a wolf.
The wolf is smarter, stronger, and more able to survive in a hostile world. It's senses are stronger. Every sound must be monitored for threat. It's absolute focus on the pursuit of an objective goal is matched by it's unwillingness to tolerate nonsense. It's thought is fleet and adaptive, or utterly concrete. It must run and patrol for threats. It will fight its way out. It will not tolerate the weak.
The wolf runs hard in a pack of respect, where love and trust is a new and chaotic thing, where every pack member is a loner learning to join.
Your son would excel at war.
That instant rage is truly capable of murder, it was evolved to be. He loves you but is a killer, too, just as your ancestors were. Our society of dogs was once all just as your son, and you can simply read history for proof. Gradually it had been bred out by institution. Your genes carried an old message to our world, and intentionally so, we have problems too difficult for the minds of dogs.
Meanwhile, in a world of retrievers, your son is a threat and a stand out. Paranoid by nature, real conspiracy of 12 year old children trying to further ostracize him is a constant stress. Other children have learned the only way to deal with him is to attack in group as a pack, and it quickly becomes a fun game for them. He is often a lone wolf fighting a whole pack of domestic dogs. Of course he is prepared.
I am sure he can sense and attack emotional weakness in others in a way few people truly know. This violence will only further ostracize him.
A wolf in a small plastic cage, biting at the bars, terrified until exhausted.
You must find him other wolves. You must. Find him training that pushes him to the limits of physical and mental challenge, there will be some there. Find him adult wolves.
And lastly...
You must teach him how to live among dogs. His life will suddenly make much more sense. Every bit of them is the sweetness within him, the strength and sense dulled and rounded to allow for bigger packs. Herds. And make it clear the miraculous creations of our society are the result of their great capacity for complacent cooperation. True also, our world's collective mistakes.
Teach him he has a role as a shepard. Teach him to protect them, or he will some day tear one apart.
If you like, I can tell you about my life, but I must run now. I am a busy man, living in the city, paid extravagantly to program video games. (Perhaps your son would like this?) I have a stable life now, surrounded by genius, full of friends and love. It was not always so.
Reading this really hit home. I too have an "Adam" and need help. So much of your story could have come right from my lips. Having a 20 year old with mental illness is frightening. We also do not believe our son belongs in jail....but are given no other options for assistance. We also have 2 other children, one older, one younger. They no longer want any part of him and are afraid of what could happen. Of course hearing stories like the Adam Lanza story enforces their fears. Praying for you and your family....as well as my own. God Bless.
this is very sad but o so true. life hands some of us mental health problems, and it is hard to deal with. we have to come togather to fight for the right to be helped with or with out insurance. love to you all. pray for though in need my name is rebecca and i have mental health problems
The book Medication Madness by Peter R. Breggin, MD, a psychiatrist in New York, is a really good book on what psychiatric drugs do to people's brains. They can actually cause people to have explosive outbursts and do harm to themselves and kill others and themselves. Sugar and certain chemicals in our foods also can have such adverse effects on some people, so a good, healthy, organic, chemical free diet can also help. The brain, like another part of our body, needs good nutrition to function properly.
Statistis have embarked about the acknowledgement that children are without a concious untill the age of eight. Allow me to adopt the boy...
I am very proud of your courage to share your experience and all the judging that comes along with it. The good, bad and ugly comments, go to show how little we all know about all these conditions. While I am empathetic and sympathetic to both sides of the spectrum, it is obvious both the child with the imbalance, illness, disorder (whatever the condition or conditions may be) and the affected family members (the ones who haven't bailed) need some serious help and compassion. I hope and pray for us all, that this may be a road to better understanding and healthcare. Good luck to you and your family, I sincerely hope your call for help is answered.
@Riley Kay, I feel so deeply for you. As a teenager (and still to this day) I suffered from depression. Starting when I was 15, I have had horrible bouts of not eating, sleeping all the time, dysphoria, self-blame, and (more than anything) suicidal thoughts. Those suicidal thoughts never really leave me. The rest of the symptoms wa and wane, but those thoughts... They're always there in the back of my mind. And, they scare the shit out of me. I'll be driving on a winding road and without wanting it to the thought of "I could just not turn the wheel" will jump into my head.
I just want you to know that I understand those thoughts. I will never judge them, because they're a part of me. But for me, what works to keep them at bay is to always remember the people I'd be hurting by following through. My mom and dad, my brothers, my boyfriend... There are people who would never recover. I don't do this to make myself feel bad (or to make you feel bad), but to remind myself why I should keep trying. When I'm at my most depressed is when I feel most alone, so to remind myself of the people who love me helps that.
I sincerely hope that you see this and it helps. You're not alone. I don't know you, but I love you. You are me, and I'm you. I've made it this far (21 years and counting), and so can you.
Your blog is doing what needs to be done--opening discussion on how those of us who know something is wrong before the tragedy can do something. You always hear, "something should have been done." And the question is...what can be done?
Several have accused Anarchist soccer mom of not behaving ideally for her son. I see her as doing the absolute best she can. We need more people who can advise on how to handle this. I took a training program on how to interact with my BPD partner and how to handle my own BPD tendencies. This young man appears to have BPD traits and could benefit from intensive therapy including DBT. But what is most important here is that the mother is speaking out. We can never improve things if we don't talk about it.
We instead blame it on the instruments that are used in the tragedies...the guns. Guns don't help, but these people are in pain and act out this way not for attention but because they are in enormous pain that they have no means of handling.
We need to talk about it...like is happening here. This blog and others like it are the start of improving a broken system...whether the illness is BPD, bipolar, forms of autism, or purely biological issues, we need more avenues for treatment. This kid doesn't want to be this way, and this mom wants to do the best she can by her son. We need help. This is everywhere.
What I haven't heard mentioned is that this has happened once or twice a week for the last one to two years. There is a mass shooting once or twice a week! When I was a kid each one was big news because it was once or twice a year!
There is an urgent need for access to mental health care. Our society is not going to magically repair itself overnight, so we need help. I recently heard this and it is so true: this world there are two types of people--the diagnosed and the undiagnosed.
I commend this mom for speaking out and seeking insight by her honest depiction of her son.
Have you ever heard of or tried the so-called constitutional therapy in homeopathy? Low cost, non-pharmaceutical, non-mindaltering!
What's with stigmatizing your kid as mentally ill by putting his picture up on the internet. Have you ever thought how that might affect his future development? \
You are absolutely correct, Anarchist Soccer Mom (a user name I could have chosen myself). It has become increasingly clear to me that anarchy is the only way we are going to repair this society. If the lack of treatment for the mentally ill were our only problem, it would be enough.
Shame, shame on Travis Mays. You are a fool.
Thank you so much for your honest, raw description of your son's life and the emotional impact for your family. I have shared your story on my FB page and I honor you for giving voice to so many kids and parents who have the same issues. Your story has opened dialogue, started to educate, and most of all, called for compassion. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
My name is Kylie O'Neill.
I am 20 years old, and I used to behave just like your son. I was very violent with my family, and diagnosed with ADHD in preschool. Medications are not the way to go. I have been healing my life for the past 4 years now, and it has all not only made sense, but has been exactly what I needed. My parents did not know how to handle me. My siblings and their friends were afraid of me. And because of all this, I decided I was bad and wrong and not good enough so I didn't see the use in trying to change because I believed I couldn't. I work with younger girls now, and I'd be happy to talk to you sometime in more detail about what I have been through, and where and how I received assistance.
Please don't take the (few) negative posts here to heart. They seem to be written by people who have an axe to grind over their own past treatment.
The sad truth is we know so little about the way our brains work, and there is so much that can go wrong.
Your family is being asked to shoulder a herculean task, and most of the reasonable people here know that, and wish you didn't have to.
It is truly a shame that our society can't figure out a means to work with the light and heat of these blazing minds, but instead almost invariably finds itself burned by them instead.
Keep asking questions and sharing your truth. Hopefully it will encourage change.
I consider American's mentally ill people. The only thing they know is killing whether its in Iraq or Afganistan or Pakistan or in America
America has a 30+ year old experiment to homecare and mainstream the violently mentally ill instead of institutionalizing them.
It's not going well. We have literally turned our streets, our homes, our schools, our malls, and our theaters into asylums where the mentally ill can live out their delusions and kill.
It's way past time to reconsider the Community Mental Health act and literally restore sanity to our lives.
Thank you. What you write is profound and NEEDS not only to be heard, but acted upon. I am a mental health counselor and despise the system that won't let myself and other professional help.
thank all of you for reaching out and sharing....there is hope and His name is Jesus Christ .Whwn Jesus came to earth He went around doing good,healing the sick and casting out demons....the same work Jesus did is still available today. I am a deliverance minister in the body of Christ and know that we are all called to be free from torment and demons. When all else fails look to Jesus, read the bible and see that Jesus went around casting out a lot of demons and I have cast out a lot of demons in my ministry. Children are easily oppressed or (possessed by demons) if there is an influence of witchcraft in the house or even as you said that your son loves Harry Potter.....when we open doors to darkness and we are not covered by Jesus Christ then demons are more than happy to find a warm body and enter in. I would encourage you to find a loving church that believes in deliverance and there are helpful websites...Www.ministeringdeliverence.com. I know that your son can be free and everyone else who desires freedom....God bless you all
Wow - I applaud your honesty and agree with you 100%. Mental health treatment is almost impossible to attain in our country and especially for teenagers, until it is too late and this should be our biggest concern. Unfortunately, unless parents like you tell their stories, no one knows that this happens until it happens to them. Please know that I pray for you and your children and am grateful to you for sharing your story and pray that it can be a spark that causes a revolution that this country sorely needs. God bless you.
Thank you - my wife and I gave been livi g this nightmare for 8 years now. Every time ones of these events occurs, I wonder if my Dan could do that. He's 21 now and it's getting better, but the lack of options for getting him help, especially without insurance is disgraceful.
Thank you for sharing this. <3
Thank you for sharing your life with us. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for writing this. There are too many moms out there like you, trying to make the best of a bad situation with no safety net. Hugs.
TO ANARCHIST SOCCER MOM: PLEASE READ!!!
VIDEO GAMES ACTIVATE REWARD REGIONS OF BRAIN IN MEN MORE THAN WOMEN, STANFORD STUDY FINDS
http://med.stanford.edu/news_releases/2008/february/videobrain.html
STUDY SHOWS GAMING MAY BE HELPFUL IN TREATING TEEN DEPRESSION
http://scopeblog.stanford.edu/2012/04/20/study-shows-gaming-may-be-helpful-in-treating-teen-depression/
VIDEO GAME MAY HELP TREAT TEEN DEPRESSION
STUDY SHOWS GAMING MAY BE A NEW ROUTE TO REACH DEPRESSED KIDS
http://teens.webmd.com/news/20120419/video-game-may-help-treat-teen-depression
VIDEO GAME CURES DEPRESSION???
http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/articles/video-game-cures-depression
His brain obviously does not process information the way yours does. Reward systems, evidently, are not working and probably will not work on a brain that doesn't care about money and wealth. Task oriented learning through visual stimulation seems and physical meditation like martial arts could be a stern consideration.
I pray for you and your loved ones.
You are not alone. Thank you for your very transparent post. Real, meaningful research into brain disorders is in its infancy and there aren't yet a lot of answers. Please don't despair. There is help available, but you will have to work hard to get it. I know, I've been there. Please keep being the wonderful parent you are, and don't give up. Your persistence will pay off.
You could exterminate people whose mental illnesses are that bad, therefore eliminating their ability to commit mass murder...
When you have a moment "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" is an excellent book, also the chapter on criminality in "Far from the Tree" is insightful. All the best to you and your son. I hope you both receive the help you need.
TO ANARCHIST SOCCER MOM: PLEASE READ!!!
VIDEO GAMES ACTIVATE REWARD REGIONS OF BRAIN IN MEN MORE THAN WOMEN, STANFORD STUDY FINDS
http://med.stanford.edu/news_releases/2008/february/videobrain.html
STUDY SHOWS GAMING MAY BE HELPFUL IN TREATING TEEN DEPRESSION
http://scopeblog.stanford.edu/2012/04/20/study-shows-gaming-may-be-helpful-in-treating-teen-depression/
VIDEO GAME MAY HELP TREAT TEEN DEPRESSION
STUDY SHOWS GAMING MAY BE A NEW ROUTE TO REACH DEPRESSED KIDS
http://teens.webmd.com/news/20120419/video-game-may-help-treat-teen-depression
VIDEO GAME CURES DEPRESSION???
http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/articles/video-game-cures-depression
I pray for you and your loved ones.
This was an initiative from the 60's, nothing to do with Reagan. Not sure what your sources are but they're incorrect.
For the love of God take his photo off this post.
Wow. That is all I can think to say. I applaud your courage and bravery in sharing your story with everyone. I know as a mother you will do everything in your power to help your son. I also agree that we need some help for children and adults suffering from mental illness. Thank you for sharing and for reminding us of the forgotten.
Thank you. For your honesty. For your strength. For all of it. Thank you.
good story. consider checking out this buddhism nstny.org practicing buddhism changes everthing, you , your house ,your family,( especially if they do too). the results are stonger than anything else i ve ever experienced. Also a lot more potent than modern science. the practice is available worldwide.
Thank you so much for sharing your Thank you for being so brave and posting your story and please know that you are not alone -- there are many families in American struggling with these same issues.
It is an expanding issue, especially given our aging population and the number of families who now have to care for family members with Alzheimers and dementia.
I have three members in my family who have or had Schizophrenia, and I and many others have suffered with depression throughout our lifetimes. I understand all too well the short-falls in our mental health system. We as a society have a broken medical system that is not prepared to treat mental illness. The system we have in place is very complicated. No one who has a physical medical condition has to jump through so many hoops and that is for the patients or their families that are fortunate to have the insurance coverage or funding for the treatment of these family members. For a vast majority without coverage they are completely on their own. They are already challenged with understanding what reality is; so then they are saddled with the extra burden of navigating through a horribly complex bureaucratic system that is designed to prevent patients from getting the treatment they NEED.
We wouldn't treat cancer patients the way we treat the mentally ill. The public would revolt if our society did, why we treat the mentally ill with such callous disregards has always puzzled me. Mental illness is a sickness, not a choice. No one would choose to be mentally ill if given a choice and many types are completely treatable. How can we open the eyes of our society to see this and finally form actions on how to deal with it?
It shouldn't have to come down to seeing multiple innocent lives being lost through public violence to realize that there is something horribly wrong with the state of our mental health care system -- all the way from funding to availability! It is truly broken and needs to be fixed.
Well said, and thanks for sharing. Except you are not Adam Lanza's mom. You have the sense to remove or hide knives and sharp items. She did not. In CT gun ownership is prohibited by persons under age 21. So, it's like a mom leaving a liquor cabinet unlocked/available with an unstable 19 year old at home, and he drinks, drives and kills kids with his car. You are very correct, this is not a time to discuss gun control, but rather mental instability (personality disorders, autism spectrum, mental illness, whatever name it's called for each individual). But I'm here to say thank you. Thank you for being a mom (and giving a forum for other responsible parents) to discuss the difficulties of raising a child with less than optimal social/emotional coping skills.
You did not mention a father figure in your 13 year old sons life. In every story like this I wonder where the dad is.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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My thoughts are completely in agreement with Macey and Liz.
All of us tend to point fingers elsewhere when a child does something we know is wrong. But children learn from those closest to them. Your son has no voice here - merely the bits you permit him. As the brother-in-law of someone with schizophrenia (who has a history of violence) it is easy for my in-laws to point the finger elsewhere, tut-tutting to the soothing affirmations of friends and family. The fact is that they contributed to my sister-in-laws situation.
The fact that you post this here is, to me, an indication of your desire to be absolved of any future consequences. I understand that. But it seems to me hardly something anyone should applaud or encourage.
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