 |
| Michael holding a butterfly |
Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.
“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly
belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.
“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code
says black or khaki pants only.”
“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a
stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have
rights!”
“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone
affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re
grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I
will take you to school.”
I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he
terrifies me.
A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to
kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books.
His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and
locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael,
then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single
Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to
scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.
That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a
paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the
local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael
calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for
Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.
We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism
spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have
all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social
workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a
slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of
behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.
At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an
accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off
the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects
ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and
Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when
he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.
Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began
exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to
transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained
school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can
access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through
Friday until they turn 18.
The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to
argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem
remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look,
Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”
“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this
morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”
His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated
rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this
car right now and kill myself.”
That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he
ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital,
no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the
opposite lane, turning left instead of right.
“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where
are we going?”
“You know where we are going,” I replied.
“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re
sending me straight to hell!”
I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving
for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the
police,” I said. “Hurry.”
Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and
hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several
times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than
he is, but I won’t be for much longer.
The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and
kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled
my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—“Were there any difficulties with....at
what age did your child....were there any problems with...has your child ever
experienced...does your child have....”
At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a
position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you
have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No
individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.
For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the
whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to
check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon
as I get out of here.”
By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies
and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t
believe them anymore.
On the intake form, under the question, “What are your
expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”
And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my
own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for
grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.
I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I
am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am
Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their
mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy
to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.
According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders
involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. (http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map).
Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother
Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did).
But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many
people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.
When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he
said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If
he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the
only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to
you unless you’ve got charges.”
I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic
environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t
deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is
using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to
Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons
quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate
mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated
population. (http://www.hrw.org/news/2006/09/05/us-number-mentally-ill-prisons-quadrupled)
With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered,
prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County
Jail, and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment
centers in 2011 (http://www.npr.org/2011/09/04/140167676/nations-jails-struggle-with-mentally-ill-prisoners)
No one wants to send
a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection
to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken
healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another
tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten
classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”
I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a
meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way
our nation can ever truly heal.
God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
3,760 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 2801 – 3000 of 3760 Newer› Newest»Left unmentioned is the effect Michael's illness has on his normal siblings. As the sister of a mental patient with multiple diagnoses, these incidents define their childhood. They need help, too, or the "normal" ones will be scarred for life.
My family is praying for your family, you brave, brave woman. God Bless You and your courage.
Michael seems like a strong candidate for IASO treatment.
Review this information and see if you don't think it will help.
www.HopefortheViolentlyAggressiveChild.com
www.autismisnotviolent.com
Have the doctors suggested him having an extra Y chromosome? As we learned in my college A&P, and extra Y chromosome, causes extra testosterone, which can lead to extra agressive behavior. Our prof. told us that they had started testing people like Bundy and Manson, but they had no control to compare it to because noone in society wants to be "typed". It's worth researching and finding out!
Oh my, you are such an incredibly brave lady. I hope that one day your relationship with Michael gets easier, that he learns to appreciate his mom. It must be so difficult without a real support system in place for you, and you are brave to share your story. Thank you for reminding everyone that there is much more to this tragic shooting than meets the eye, mental illness will never be understood if society continues to pretend it doesn't exist.
You made me cry. Hugs :)
I am also the father of a "difficult" child. No one in the world can understand the difficulty and heartbreak this entails unless they too have experienced it. My son is now 21 and he still struggles with many things.It sometimes seems he has landed in a world full of aliens and is trying to figure out how to live and function among us. So many people want to blame the parenting, and how I wish and prayed that it was that simple. Anyway...you are not alone. Dont EVER give up on your son. Do what YOU think is right for him, because all of the teachers, social workers and psychologists in the world dont know him and cannot care for him like you do. There is something very special and new about these children with this cluster of "symptoms." I love my son and I am very proud of him. I know you are of yours too.
Wow...what a post. God bless...
My heart goes out to you. A troubled child causes issues in the home no one ever dreamt of and so many people don't understand unless they have lived it. I hope so much that you get the help you need. God bless you. You are a wonderful person for posting this as it might give some mental relief to other parents living in this hell. The attitudes toward mental health in this country are so backward and outdated. julie
My son used to sound like your son, but only as he started high school. We got help for him until he reached 18. Once he was that age, out of school, he was no longer on our insurance. There were no local agencies that could help at the time. No residential places for 18 year olds that were not jail or some other form of incarceration. Eventually he was committed to a hosptial, but while on a visit, he killed himself.
Everytime there is another shooting, just like you, I feel badly for the victims and for the shooters and their families. Jared Loughrens face reminds me so much of my son.
Take care of your self and your other children, they need you too.
My sister is mentally ill and this story hit home. I have witnessed this behavior for years. I remember protecting my mom from her when I was only ten years old. She has been through the system. Tried every pill, been to phycologists and physiatrists and the mental hospital, etc. She was diagnosed as bi-polar/schizophrenic as a teenager. She did hear voices and her behavior was always erratic. She started self medicating with drugs and alcohol probably around 16. She is 31 now. Addicted to meth and been in and out of jail so many times it is hard to keep track. Her phone number switches at least once a week along with her boyfriend. She will go from saying how much she loves you to how she is never going to speak to you again and she is going to find a way to get your child taken away from you. She has threatened everyone in my family and has threatened to kill herself but no one will do anything about it. They say now that you have to actually hurt yourself or someone else before they will take you for a physiatric hold. This is what is wrong with the world no one wants to talk about mental illness or deal with it. You have to commit a crime before they even consider taking you. So basically you have to murder someone before our government will even consider treating you for violent mental illness. No wonder so many shootings have occurred. The only way to get noticed and get help (if you don't kill yourself first) is to do something horrible. Gun control isn't the problem. Mental illness is the problem. A government that won't address that is the problem. We could prevent so many of these tragedies if we would just treat our mentally ill. If we could do something immediately when they became violent or threatening. We need to crack down on mental illness not guns. Criminals will get guns no matter what but if we can get to the criminals and the mentally ill before they get those guns and make to decision to kill we can stop this craziness.
I feel like it was myself who was writing your article. We've been there. In some ways we still are. What saddens me today is how many news sources are starting to blame the mother for what happened. Why didn't she speak out? Do something? Get him help? It's simple, we've tried. Just like this mom. We've tried. People don't hear, or don't want to hear. So, we stop speaking. We get tired of hearing, "My child does that to," or maybe "It's a teenage thing." It's only when you talk to people going through the same, do you feel like you are heard. We've been through this with three kids. There wasn't any help. Three weeks in the physch hospital just brings in a $7000 bill and no changes. Until someone addresses the mental health issues, these things will continue to happen. Maybe it will be my kids next time, or maybe it will be another parent who doesn't say anything because no one listens.
To Nick B. who said young boys go through angry stages and why ground them to teach them a lesson? Having an escape plan for the other children in the home to get away is not normal and getting a knife to stab your mother is not normal teenage angst. I have helped raise three step sons and my own teen age son, sorry this poor lady has genuine issues to deal with.
Thank you for opening up ans sharing as you have. mental illness is very real. It takes a lot of inner strength and patience to be a parent of a special needs child. You are an amazing mother for all you do for your son and all your kids.
I hope and pray, people begin to understand how real mental illness is and stop trying to say it's just bad behavior and blame it on the parents.
I am praying for you and your family. Yes there does need to be massive improvements on the treatment, care and support given for mental illness and the parents/caregivers of those who suffer from it.
I'm sorry for the length but have to leave this comment in 2 separate comments:
Sarah, I was looking for an email so I could privately offer you my support as I think these comments tend to get out of hand, as I didn't find one I just will do my best here. First of all, reading your compelling post I found my self sobbing, at how heartbreaking this must be for you and your family. No family should have to go through what you have, and no mother should ever have to deal with this, they should never have to make this horribly hard gut wrenching decisions you have to make. I am so incredibly sorry, words cannot express. I just find myself at a loss for words and in utter awe that this is a reality. It is absolutely heartbreaking, and kills me to know that many mothers and fathers are dealing with these same issues all around us. I cannot express how much I feel for you. I want to tell you how incredible and amazing I think you are. You are doing the absolute best you can with the hands you've been dealt and as a mother of young children I thank you for thinking of the "big picture" above all else. You are an amazing woman who has strength I can't even begin to dream of!!! Your bravery in coming forward with all that has come to light is just honorable. I 100% support you in doing this and believe you have done it for the right reasons and to try to bring light to the absolute need for attention to the Mental Health Care system!! I have to tell you that this whole weekend I have found myself so angry that a mental illness was being used as an "excuse" for Adam's actions. I felt like it was just that, and excuse. I didn't believe that it could be blamed as the whole reasoning behind this, and that it was only a small part. As the weekend went on, I have been really just trying to make sense of this all, like the rest of the nation. Wanting answers. I am the mother of two small girls, one of who will be entering kindergarten soon. It makes me sick to think about putting my children in the school system now. I have found so much anger in all of this and wanted to blame more then just a mental illness. Then a thought came to me of my Grandfather, a wonderful man, so smart and loving. You see he committed suicide in 2000, and when he did so I knew he was mentally ill to be able to commit such an act. We later found a note he had left and in it, proof was given, as he addressed it as if he had gone back nearly 40 years. He wrote it to my dad and his siblings as if they were still small children. It was odd and compelling to see the writing on the wall. He really was controlled by his mental illness and unable to see the truth. When this thought came to light, I felt a touch of compassion that I had been missing in all of this. And then I heard of your letter on the local news. Curious, I found it on the computer and I was absolutely heartbroken to read your words, and I also felt a great amount of guilt. You see, it was easy in my anger to excuse away this mental illness "excuse" and say that’s not reason enough to act like this. It was easy for me to say that mental illness is not THAT big of a factor. But reading your blog brought me back to reality, and that reality being that this is a much larger issue that I think anyone wants to except responsibility for, but if you as his MOTHER can stand up and take on that larger responsibility that I feel no mother should have to deal with, and if you can stand up and bring these issues to life, how can I ignore this anymore!! I understand that we as mothers are 100% responsible for our children and their actions, but what I am trying to say is that you have been dealt a larger hand than I feel anyone should be.
part 2 ;)
So if you can stand up and be strong with such grace and humility, then I should easily be able to stand by your side as your support! It is our duty to our children and our communities. Our communities are only as strong as our weakest link, and if we try to brush it all under the rug, how far can we really go. We have an immediate need in this Nation to address these issues head on. We cannot afford to sit by and let this happen again, we couldn't afford to let it happen years and years ago, but we all turned a blind eye, we all found something to blame. I am just as guilty of this as the rest. Now is the time to act, and you have done well taking this step, as hard as it must have been, and you have come forward and asked for help. I pray that others walking in the same shoes will do the same, and I PRAY that our Communities and our Nation will, instead of turning the other cheek, will stand up and embrace these families and support them in the long journey ahead. We need to come together in these times, we need to be there when you need the support, and we need to strengthen our Communities for the children. I apologize for my lack of understanding towards these issues, and for MY excuses and MY blame that I tried to place on the issue. Thank you for helping me to see this clearly and letting me better myself through you sharing your family’s story. I PRAY that sweet Michael finds the help needed and can one day live a fulfilling life in our Community. His intelligence is needed in this world, and I pray that one day he will be a strong contributing member in our society. I assure you as a mother, whom I know has asked herself more times over then we know, "Am I making the right decisions? Am I failing?" You are making the best choices you could possibly make, and you are not failing, not by a long shot. I don't know you, but I can tell you, you are a WONDERFUL Mother, and an AMAZING woman, and if we as a Nation could have HALF the strength and love you have, we would be in such a better place! Please do not listen to those that want to speak ill of you, your family, or this post. They have simply not opened up their hearts to this issue, and are not willing to let go of some of the hurt to make room for some understanding. I don't blame them, I was right there with them for a short time. I am grateful that I was able to open my eyes and see the reality, but at the same time I find myself now praying for strength like yours to know what needs to be done and how I can help. Just know that my family thanks you for being so strong and willing to bring these issues to light, knowing it wouldn't be easy. We thank you for not only looking out for your son and your family but our community as well. I do live in the Boise area and want you to know if there is ANYTHING that my family can do to show our support we would love to. I now plan to search out opportunities to help in anyway that we can. You are making a difference, just know that, and that in all this confusion and these hard times, there will be a moment of clarity for Michael and he will see what an amazing mother and woman you are. He knows this, and he feels this, it’s just hard for him to express it at times. I have carried on far too long here, my emotions have run away with me, but please know, you have all my love and support for sharing your struggles like you have, and all my respect. I will do my best as a part of our community to stand up and be a voice for those that can't. I just can't say enough, THANK YOU Sarah, thank you for opening my eyes and my heart to such an important issue. Thank you!!
When meltdowns become severe and pose risks of injury to self and others, it may be Immature Adrenaline Systems Overreactivity (IASO).
IASO is not a 'tantrum', nor is it a mental illness. IASO treatment does not require psychotropic drugs since it targets only the adrenaline systems. IASO has been proven to prevent violence from occurring in the first place in patients with Autism, Bipolar NOS, MR as well as patients with no MH diagnosis.
Progress in other areas such as IEPs is often more feasible once violence is eliminated.
Search the book or website titled "Hope for the Violently Aggressive Child" for testimonials and more information.
My heart goes out to you, and I do have one suggestion. Have you ever reached out to Dr Phil McGraw? If you haven't, please consider doing that.. With the problems that you have described, I believe that he would be the perfect person, who may be able to help you...Please consider it..
Ms Patricia Copper
Collingdale, Pa 19023
trish402@comcast.net
Liza, I am sorry, I was mistaken on the name. My comments were obviously meant for you :) I am sorry about the name mixup..
My son is 21 years old. 3 years ago I wrote a 3 series post about MY SON. Our case is very extreme, and I can assure you that but by the grace of god there go I, I at any point could be Nancy ...
http://www.beingpeachy.com/2010/05/18/the-hardest-thing-part-1-of-3-2/
beingpeachy at gmail
Dear Liza,
My heart breaks for you and parents like you who live this life every day. I am a veterinarian who battled "life-threatening" depression over 20 years ago, having signs of bipolar disorder for most of my teen and adult life.
Then came my diagnosis of celiac disease (gluten intolerance) 12 years ago. EVERYTHING changed, especially once I saw that dairy and other foods were affecting me in a similar fashion. My miraculous recovery catapulted me into Internet medical research to uncover how this kind of recovery was possible. In one short month, I came off all 4 prescription drugs and felt better than I had since I could remember. Gone were all f my symptoms, including the depression and major mood swings. I created a Website (DogtorJ.com) to share my findings.
Since that time, my "specialty" on the Internet has become the dietary control of seizures. But I have also become involved in the autism, ADHD and Asperger's communities as ALL of these conditions have responded well...sometimes dramatically...to dietary intervention.
You can read numerous testimonials from mothers who have employed the GFCF diet (gluten-free, casein-free diet) in the cases of their afflicted children on this site: http://www.gfcfdiet.com .
My diet, The GARD, is similar but with more restrictions. I would love to answer any questions that you might have about this kind of dietary intervention or direct you to some of the resources I have accumulated.
I do believe there is an answer out there for you and Michael.
John
I know how you feel, my son ended his life Nov 28 with one gun shot to his chest. he struggled for years with mental illness, add a few drugs and then this is how it ended. He went to counseling and Psychiatrist and groups etc. He could tell the Psychiatrist what to put him on, changing meds all the time. Nobody cared, no mental health services , he eventually was put on adderall and prozac. Every night I would watch TV and wonder did my son do this crime, did he rob that store , did he hurt someone. I did this for many years. I lived in fear everyday, he threatened me with my life "if you dont take me to work I am going to put a knife to your throat" I asked to leave the house on Nov 25 this year (my birthday) and he took his life on NOv 28, he did not hurt anyone, he was alone and I thank him for that. The son I remember is the son I knew when he was younger, the sweet child I gave birth to, what made it all change in the teen years? I mourn for that child and I keep him in my heart full of love. The mental illness I think was always there, but got more violent as he got older and added some drugs to it. The Behavioral Health system could care less. He was suicidal before, and they only kept him 3 days. where do they go? These people are out in the street struggling. My heart bleeds for the son I once knew. How am I going to get through the Holidays, I take one day at a time. I have his 4 year old son to take care of everyday. I really understand what you are going thru and the toll it takes. Like I said I am thankful my son hurt noone but decided to end his life of struggling with mental illness. He told me one week before he died. "I am tired Mom" " I am tired" now I knew what he meant.
Thank you so much for posting this and I'm glad to see that it is getting the attention it deserves on facebook. As a special education teacher, I have seen a few kids cme through with the capacity to harm others and for some reason we have not been able to ddo much about it. It's a flawed system for sure. I am not aware of all the laws but I wonder what will happen when Michael and any other child like him turns 18? Is there anything we can do with a child who has no record? Thank you for being so honest about your situation. It speaks volumes.
I know how you feel, my son ended his life Nov 28 with one gun shot to his chest. he struggled for years with mental illness, add a few drugs and then this is how it ended. He went to counseling and Psychiatrist and groups etc. He could tell the Psychiatrist what to put him on, changing meds all the time. Nobody cared, no mental health services , he eventually was put on adderall and prozac. Every night I would watch TV and wonder did my son do this crime, did he rob that store , did he hurt someone. I did this for many years. I lived in fear everyday, he threatened me with my life "if you dont take me to work I am going to put a knife to your throat" I asked to leave the house on Nov 25 this year (my birthday) and he took his life on NOv 28, he did not hurt anyone, he was alone and I thank him for that. The son I remember is the son I knew when he was younger, the sweet child I gave birth to, what made it all change in the teen years? I mourn for that child and I keep him in my heart full of love. The mental illness I think was always there, but got more violent as he got older and added some drugs to it. The Behavioral Health system could care less. He was suicidal before, and they only kept him 3 days. where do they go? These people are out in the street struggling. My heart bleeds for the son I once knew. How am I going to get through the Holidays, I take one day at a time. I have his 4 year old son to take care of everyday. I really understand what you are going thru and the toll it takes. Like I said I am thankful my son hurt noone but decided to end his life of struggling with mental illness. He told me one week before he died. "I am tired Mom" " I am tired" now I knew what he meant.
With all due respect, you aren't adam lanza's mother.
she either was incredibly negligent, careless, stupid, or crazy herself to have guns in the house with a violent, unstable person in the house at the same time.
or she was dealing with someone who gave no clue that he was suffering so or as ill as he was.
i prefer to think that he hid it all.
I know how you feel, my son ended his life Nov 28 with one gun shot to his chest self inflicted.He was a beautiful 25 year old. And when I say beautiful, his face was angelic but he struggled for years with mental illness, add a few drugs and then this is how it ended. He went to counseling and Psychiatrist and groups etc. He could tell the Psychiatrist what to put him on, changing meds all the time. Nobody cared, no mental health services , he eventually was put on adderall and prozac. Every night I would watch TV and wonder did my son do this crime, did he rob that store , did he hurt someone. I did this for many years. I lived in fear everyday, he threatened me with my life "if you dont take me to work I am going to put a knife to your throat" I asked to leave the house on Nov 25 this year (my birthday) and he took his life on NOv 28, he did not hurt anyone, he was alone and I thank him for that. The son I remember is the son I knew when he was younger, the sweet child I gave birth to, what made it all change in the teen years? I mourn for that child and I keep him in my heart full of love. The mental illness I think was always there, but got more violent as he got older and added some drugs to it. The Behavioral Health system could care less. He was suicidal before, and they only kept him 3 days. where do they go? These people are out in the street struggling. My heart bleeds for the son I once knew. How am I going to get through the Holidays, I take one day at a time. I have his 4 year old son to take care of everyday. I really understand what you are going thru and the toll it takes. Like I said I am thankful my son hurt noone but decided to end his life of struggling with mental illness. He told me one week before he died. "I am tired Mom" " I am tired" now I knew what he meant. I cry myself to sleep everynight but I am also relieved at the same time. I will never have to wonder who killed that person or who robbed that bank , my son is finally at rest with his mental illness and the broken system that never did anything for me or Ryan.
I have an adult son who was this child growing up. He has grown into a loving, responsible man who suffers from schizophrenia. I believe our success stems 100% from two things: (1) I was fortunate enough to get a diagnosis and treatment at a young age; and (2) we belonged to a school district that "gets it" and has an amazing emotionally disturbed program. The bottom line is, it took a village to help him become a successful, table adult.
Intervention and consistency from a young age, is KEY. Parents can fight and work hard to be as consistent and loving as humanly possible, but with a child with this type of special needs, they simply cannot do it alone. They need professional help, and they need help through the school districts.
In our case one of the most impactful interventions I believe is that from grade 6 until graduation he had a "socialization" class every single day for he and his peers. This class taught these kids so many things. (By these kids I mean aspies primarily, but also kids with bipolar and other disorders that included rage & social deficits). They were taught what social cues mean, proper ways to respond socially, self-soothing and calming methods (different for every individual), and most important, personal responsibility for their actions and their illness.
As a parent you can try and teach these things - but the day in and day out repetition and seeing behaviors and things in their peers in the class was what helped make this so successful. Repetition from me and from his medical professionals and from his school district.
We have to work together.
From that young age until he graduated, his doctors, his teachers, and his parents all worked together to give him the consistent message that his illness is a personal responsibility. He must learn coping techniques to manage rage issues, and must keep up his medications and medical care as a personal responsibility.
As a society we have to work together - the medical profession, the schools, and the families, in order to turn these lost children into success stories instead of horror stories. Parents can not do it alone. Schools can not do it without funding. It's time these parents and their children were not standing alone in shame and fear and desperation.
Unfortunately, I suffer the same problem. My son suffers from bi-polar and narcism. He was diagnosed when he was 20. I never know when I am able to even say "Hi", to him, without him going off on me. It is impossible, for us, to locate an actual psychiatrist. We have been trying for almost 2 years, to locate a psychiatrist, with no luck! The U.S. no longer cares about American physical or mental health issues! Healthcare has taken a violent downward spiral. In order for violence to cease, we need to be able to locate professional aid, in which to diagnose individuals with mental issues. I am fortunate in my son giving in to receive aid at least from our family doctor. With "toying" with mental medications, my sons mental problems have improved over the course of the last year. However, if untreated, who knows what would have happened. By the way, both of my kids were raised the same way and only one has this problem! Therefore, it is definitely not the parent's fault. The fault definitely lies with our crappy government. We have a president that only cares about getting his face plastered all over the TV instead of addressing the healthcare issues so many Americans are facing!
I know how you feel, my son ended his life Nov 28 with one gun shot to his chest self inflicted.He was a beautiful 25 year old. And when I say beautiful, his face was angelic but he struggled for years with mental illness, add a few drugs and then this is how it ended. He went to counseling and Psychiatrist and groups etc. He could tell the Psychiatrist what to put him on, changing meds all the time. Nobody cared, no mental health services , he eventually was put on adderall and prozac. Every night I would watch TV and wonder did my son do this crime, did he rob that store , did he hurt someone. I did this for many years. I lived in fear everyday, he threatened me with my life "if you dont take me to work I am going to put a knife to your throat" I asked to leave the house on Nov 25 this year (my birthday) and he took his life on NOv 28, he did not hurt anyone, he was alone and I thank him for that. The son I remember is the son I knew when he was younger, the sweet child I gave birth to, what made it all change in the teen years? I mourn for that child and I keep him in my heart full of love. The mental illness I think was always there, but got more violent as he got older and added some drugs to it. The Behavioral Health system could care less. He was suicidal before, and they only kept him 3 days. where do they go? These people are out in the street struggling. My heart bleeds for the son I once knew. How am I going to get through the Holidays, I take one day at a time. I have his 4 year old son to take care of everyday. I really understand what you are going thru and the toll it takes. Like I said I am thankful my son hurt noone but decided to end his life of struggling with mental illness. He told me one week before he died. "I am tired Mom" " I am tired" now I knew what he meant. I cry myself to sleep everynight but I am also relieved at the same time. I will never have to wonder who killed that person or who robbed that bank , my son is finally at rest with his mental illness and the broken system that never did anything for me or Ryan.
I certainly don't mean to minimize your/Michael's/family's pain, I hope for you to discover a solution.
I know how you feel, my son ended his life Nov 28 with one gun shot to his chest self inflicted.He was a beautiful 25 year old. And when I say beautiful, his face was angelic but he struggled for years with mental illness, add a few drugs and then this is how it ended. He went to counseling and Psychiatrist and groups etc. He could tell the Psychiatrist what to put him on, changing meds all the time. Nobody cared, no mental health services , he eventually was put on adderall and prozac. Every night I would watch TV and wonder did my son do this crime, did he rob that store , did he hurt someone. I did this for many years. I lived in fear everyday, he threatened me with my life "if you dont take me to work I am going to put a knife to your throat" I asked to leave the house on Nov 25 this year (my birthday) and he took his life on NOv 28, he did not hurt anyone, he was alone and I thank him for that. The son I remember is the son I knew when he was younger, the sweet child I gave birth to, what made it all change in the teen years? I mourn for that child and I keep him in my heart full of love. The mental illness I think was always there, but got more violent as he got older and added some drugs to it. The Behavioral Health system could care less. He was suicidal before, and they only kept him 3 days. where do they go? These people are out in the street struggling. My heart bleeds for the son I once knew. How am I going to get through the Holidays, I take one day at a time. I have his 4 year old son to take care of everyday. I really understand what you are going thru and the toll it takes. Like I said I am thankful my son hurt noone but decided to end his life of struggling with mental illness. He told me one week before he died. "I am tired Mom" " I am tired" now I knew what he meant. I cry myself to sleep everynight but I am also relieved at the same time. I will never have to wonder who killed that person or who robbed that bank , my son is finally at rest with his mental illness and the broken system that never did anything for me or Ryan.
My heart goes out to you, your son and your family and I want to thank you for sharing this with the world. Your strength has opened a forum for a very much needed healthy discussion. I'm going to go out on a limb here and what I have to say may be viewed as a very unconventional approach, recently I didn’t even believe in such things being possible. However, I feel obligated to speak up because of what I have witnessed with my own eyes. If in fact this was the case for Michael, it could radically change his behaivor... As a Hypnotherapy student at a prominent naturopathic school in Washington State, I have recently learned about how alarmingly common energy possession is. I would strongly encourage you to Google energy depossession and hypnotherapy. Even as a last resort, I would look into finding a local highly respected hypnotherapist practitioner who has a masters or PhD in psychotherapy to work with. Best of luck on your path to healing your family and your son. Many blessings.
I have an eight year old son , and I worry everyday that he will be this kid- the way he gets so angry its amazing. I feel helpless most days and have all but excluded myself from his daily care- hes with my parents right now since I started a new job. No one can understand unless they have seen it in action. No one can believe my sweet little boy can be a raging monster. He is sweet and smart and wonderful. But I cant help but think this is all my fault- I had a really rough pregnancy and theres always a guilt of it being your fault. Thank you for sharing your story. It felt like it could be mine
I am so sorry that your family is having such terrible problems with your son. Have you looked into therapeutic boarding schools? I can highly recommend The Village in Louisburg, TN which our educational consultant John Huie of Asheville, NC recommended for our beautiful, brilliant daughter who was starving and cutting herself and not responding to traditional therapy. They saved her life, and they saved our family. Please seek help from someone soon; when our children turn 18, they become legal adults and you're not in charge any more. I feel for you, I really do. xox NC Mom
I have an eight year old son , and I worry everyday that he will be this kid- the way he gets so angry its amazing. I feel helpless most days and have all but excluded myself from his daily care- hes with my parents right now since I started a new job. No one can understand unless they have seen it in action. No one can believe my sweet little boy can be a raging monster. He is sweet and smart and wonderful. But I cant help but think this is all my fault- I had a really rough pregnancy and theres always a guilt of it being your fault. Thank you for sharing your story. It felt like it could be mine
Okay. Where is this boy's DAD in this drama? Why is it MOM who takes on all the responsibility when the going gets tough with children, especially BOYS?
n
Okay. Where is this boy's DAD in this drama? Why is it MOM who takes on all the responsibility when the going gets tough with children, especially BOYS?
n
I know a 7 year old boy on a straight trajectory to make sickening headline news within in the next 10 years. One of his earliest outburst was stabbing his classmate, a kindergarten girl with a pencil on their first day of school. His parents are responsible, go to huge lengths to help him. But, they are adamant about him being in regular schools and seem eerily disjointed about his actions towards other students - such as the harm he inflicted upon this innocent child. I remember their reaction to the injury as sort of a well - gee that happened. I would have removed my child ASAP - period. It's as if they're determined to make him fit into society, but. I do not know if he ever will be a normal, functioning child, much less adult. Each year gets progressively worse. Gun control won't stop him - he will find any other number of weapons or means of destruction. He has even punched my elderly and very frail mother. What do we do for these families? Clearly there is a huge need. Until it's fully addressed and there are places where families can easily come and receive help, counseling and possibly changed living situations, will most of these horrific killings be stopped.
thank you for your courage to share and god bless you.
Wow, have to agree with Macey here. Direct confrontation will almost never work with someone like your son, nor will strict discipline.
Instead of working out a compromise, you instigated another confrontation.
Give him smaller conditions, don't just flat out tell him no or take something away and its how its going to be, being absolute will backfire on you.
Driving him to a mental hospital where he clearly says you are "putting him in hell" probably done some serious damage to your relationship. You just went from parent/guardian to someone who he feels like, thinks he is baggage.
To him, all because he didn't want to wear a certain color of pants. To you, its because he said something you felt strongly about, that he probably doesn't understand the significance of.
I do stand with you that you need more help. But not just with your son, you need some counseling as well.
Also, I'd suggest taking some zen classes at a nearby center, meditation would be really helpful for you, or if not available, some good reads would be "Three pillars of Zen" or "Zen mind, beginner's Mind".
If your son is truly smart, you may just want to start him on zen as well. And no meds please, they do more damage than they cure.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's horrifying to know that you go through this with your own child. My heart goes out to you and all others that suffer in scilence.
Someone else knows what I go through and have been through since my now 32 years old son was an 8 year old boy threatening suicide. Your article made me cry.
About 8 years ago, when he threatened suicide (again), they put him in AA, not mental health care. They said he was depressed because he drank. They asked him if he liked to drink, he said yes. They didn't ask HOW MUCH; guys like to drink on occasion. He wasn’t even drinking.
I can't tell you how many times I have tried to get help for him; even with his blessing, he plays a good game to or they don't want to spend money on someone with no insurance. He also successfully threatened suicide to get out of the Army as well.
As a result of his verbal abuse and violent threats, he does not live here and is homeless.
In the past year alone, my son has threatened to do a murder/suicide with me, my pre-teen daughter and 18 year old son. My 18 yo is now safe in Texas attending college. He also says instead of killing us, he is going to hang himself in the garage so when we open the garage door, we will see him hanging there and that will be the picture that the kids and I will have etched in our brains for the rest of our lives to remind us how much he hates us.
Last month, he threatened to burn the house down while we were sleeping because I wouldn't buy him cigarettes at 11pm at night. He frequently raises his fist to the face of his pre-teen sister when she has the TV remote.
When he stops by the house to do laundry, he always has to spend the night coz it's so late. I won't go to bed until I know he is knocked out sleeping. I am honestly AFRAID to NOT allow him to do laundry or eat all the food or basically ANYTHING he wants because I am afraid if I say the wrong thing, he will go off. I drive him wherever he wants so that I KNOW he is not near the house to break in.
I am afraid of him but I will NEVER tell him that because he will use it to his advantage.
It's sooo weird because he is the sweetest person in the world to absolutely everyone but his immediate family - except when he gets a long term girlfriend; eventually he starts treating her badly and she dumps him. He will give you the shirt off his back and if doesn't have one, he will steal it for you. (probably from me!). It would be difficult to find a harder worker than him. He busts his butt when he is working, whether for money or just to help someone.
His dad (my ex) does not care one bit about the damage he did to his son or how that damage directly impacts others. He thinks I should have the emotional strength to tell my son "FU", block him from calling, when my son threatens us or himself, challenge him to follow through on his threat and never speak to him again. I'm sorry, he is still my son.
I would like to believe that he is all bark and no bite. That his threats are empty and just a manipulation ploy. That would be awesome if so. However, I used to work in an inpatient mental health unit. It was so tragic to hear of one of our patients who accidentally was successful in their suicide attempt. I don't want to tempt fate to find out if his murder or suicide threats are real.
Thank you sooo much for posting that. It won't fix anything but it was good to know someone else out there struggles with the pain of a violent, suicidal, child.
AMEN. It's time to focus on what creates the INTENT towards violence, not the tools by which the violent individual carries out a violent plan. Part of the mental health discussion MUST include how readily children are being prescribed psychiatric medications in this country. Too quick this nation turns to meds to alter what might otherwise be something that can be alternatively dealt with and I'm of the FIRM opinion that it's not so much a lack of meds that leads people to these horrific acts, but rather TOO MANY meds reclessly prescribed and given to our youth.
I feel so sorry for you. He sounds so much like my son was. We were saved, late, but better than never, by reading about candida overgroth that reaches the brain and we tried the therapy which consists of a long term treatment for yeast infection, then staying away from yeasty products, especially beer. Even my son's behavioural teachers called me to ask what we had done. Then it was years of counselling to get past the coping strategies he had developed, all of which were socially unacceptable.
Note though - my doctor had to 'diagnose' me with the yeast infection to start treatment, since the test for this overgrowth was almost a thousand bucks, even then - so talk to your doctor. My doctor agreed since the medication is harmless if he doesn't have the yeast overgrowth and since the child was likely to be charged with murder the way he was heading, it was worth a try. ANYTHING was worth a try!
GREAT. perfect. now all of us that have mental illnesses are going to be labelled as potential murderers.
thanks!!
I read your blog and all I can say is that I am glad you're not my mom.
No wonder your kids hate you and your husband left.
Crazy bitch.
I work in the school system and see children like Michael everyday. You are right, the United States fails our children miserably everyday, in healthcare, welfare, even education, in some instances... My heart breaks for you. But I do know one thing, God, the Father, Michaels very creator, will not forsake him (Heb 6:10). He knows what he is fighting and knows what you are going through. The current status of our nation is the very reason we must not put our faith in man (Psalm 146:3). My prayers are with you.
This certainly hits home for me as well. My step son is 9 years old, and has been with my husband and I full time for the first time for the past year following a hospital stay after he burnt his little brother. Needless to say, he hasn't received a proper evaluation of his illness, but he threatens to kill my husband and I, our dog, and himself on a daily basis. We have gone so far as contacting child protective services to try to get our son the help he needs, and they tell us that they are unavailable to assist. When I asked them what they were waiting for they simply stated that they are not a "preventive service" telling me that they can only act on the event that something does occur. We too, live in fear on a daily basis, unsure of what is going to happen next... and keep every sharp and dangerous object(s) in our home locked in a safe. It sickens me to know that not only my step son but so many other children out there aren't receiving the help that they need. Something has to be done here. They're not criminals or convicts, they're simply children, needing more help than any of the help they're receiving now.
Liza, your son's picture already appears on page 2 of the Google image search results for "Adam Lanza". It will very probably soon be on page 1 and stay there or at least on page 2 forever. I can guarantee you that. Whenever somebody searches for Lanza, he will quickly find your son. Let that sink in. Think about what that will mean for him. PLEASE.
You could still do something about it. Take down the picture here. Have it taken down at The Blue Review. Ask The Huffington Post and all the others to please take it down, for the sake of your son's privacy, for the sake of your son's future. Tell them you didn't think it through and feel terrible now and want to protect your son. PLEASE!!!
And please don't listen to those here telling you not to listen to those criticizing you. Some of the criticism may be harshly worded, but most mean well. There have been some very good suggestions here for a start, even simple ones like better nutrition, without sugar, wheat, or gluten. Somebody mentioned music. Respectfully talk and listen to your son time and time again until you both establish a better relationship. You don't need to have him drugged or institutionalized. Those things will only make things worse.
And if he does find out about your article here, don't blame him for reacting angrily, even hysterically, which would be very understandable for him to do, but sincerely apologize for comparing him to a psychopathic mass murderer and try to explain your reasons, if you can. I understand you're in a very difficult personal situation and people can do the stupidest things then -- I truly feel sorry for both of you. But please realize that it WAS a mistake to violate your son's privacy and dignity in public and please DON'T listen too much to all those blindly praising you here. They too mean well, but they are not helping you and your family.
I agree that at some point we need to have a conversation about gums, but it’s important to remember that this terrible crime was committed with guns legally registered to Adam’s mother. We could easily start by banning the sale of semi-automatic assault rifles and large ammo clips. As we say in neuroscience, this is a “no brainer”. But this case isn’t just about guns—mental health issues are also in the conversation. Your blog post clearly focuses on this issue.
Many pundits and talking heads have already been focusing on the mental health issue, some suggesting that we need to shore up our creaky mental health system. As a practicing physician, I think that this also misses the point.
Adam Lanza apparently had Asberger’s syndrome, a form of autism, and possibly a personality disorder. Several studies over that past few years have linked autism with maternal obesity and type II diabetes, suggesting that these conditions may play a critical role in the rising incidence of autism.
To find the reason that autism is increasing, we need to look at why obesity and diabetes are increasing at an epidemic rate. For years it was assumed it is because we are eating too much food. Recent research has shown that it’s more about the type of food we are eating.
Excessive fructose mainly from sugar and HFCS seems to be driving the increased incidence of insulin resistance, central obesity and type II diabetes. When you have insulin resistance and consume high glycemic carbohydrates, your brain is subjected to magnified glucose spikes and high insulin levels. Over time this seems to trigger a form of food-induced brain dysfunction called Carbohydrate Associated Reversible Brain syndrome or CARB syndrome. People with CARB syndrome can develop up to 22 brain dysfunction symptoms that interfere with their impulse control and ability to function. When CARB syndrome develops in a fetus or infant, autism is often the result.
When you subject someone with CARB syndrome to social isolation and teasing and then give them access to lethal weapons, you have created the perfect storm for a tragedy.
Until we address the effect of our toxic food on brain function and common mental disorders, we can expect to have many more similar tragic events in the future.
I agree that at some point we need to have a conversation about gums, but it’s important to remember that this terrible crime was committed with guns legally registered to Adam’s mother. We could easily start by banning the sale of semi-automatic assault rifles and large ammo clips. As we say in neuroscience, this is a “no brainer”. But this case isn’t just about guns—mental health issues are also in the conversation. Your blog post clearly focuses on this issue.
Many pundits and talking heads have already been focusing on the mental health issue, some suggesting that we need to shore up our creaky mental health system. As a practicing physician, I think that this also misses the point.
Adam Lanza apparently had Asberger’s syndrome, a form of autism, and possibly a personality disorder. Several studies over that past few years have linked autism with maternal obesity and type II diabetes, suggesting that these conditions may play a critical role in the rising incidence of autism.
To find the reason that autism is increasing, we need to look at why obesity and diabetes are increasing at an epidemic rate. For years it was assumed it is because we are eating too much food. Recent research has shown that it’s more about the type of food we are eating.
Excessive fructose mainly from sugar and HFCS seems to be driving the increased incidence of insulin resistance, central obesity and type II diabetes. When you have insulin resistance and consume high glycemic carbohydrates, your brain is subjected to magnified glucose spikes and high insulin levels. Over time this seems to trigger a form of food-induced brain dysfunction called Carbohydrate Associated Reversible Brain syndrome or CARB syndrome. People with CARB syndrome can develop up to 22 brain dysfunction symptoms that interfere with their impulse control and ability to function. When CARB syndrome develops in a fetus or infant, autism is often the result.
When you subject someone with CARB syndrome to social isolation and teasing and then give them access to lethal weapons, you have created the perfect storm for a tragedy.
Until we address the effect of our toxic food on brain function and common mental disorders, we can expect to have many more similar tragic events in the future.
Brave post, Liza. Hang in there. You certainly have the support of Boise which I know well.
I'm sure you have thought of everything but I personnaly believe food is a trigger for many things.
All these processed foods we eat today are killing us. Just look at the high incidence of diabetes in the last 10-20 years. Try cutting wheat and refined sugars to start.
Thank you for posting this. It helped me realize that we aren't alone in this. Your struggles are SO similar to my families regarding my sister. I am SO thankful you wrote this, you have no idea how much it has helped my family. I pray that one day it will be easier to get our troubled kids some help before it's too late. There should be services that are affordable and accessible, and support groups for families too... this is no fun for us either. Good luck to you and your family. God bless!
I wrote a blog in support to yours... http://growinggaithers.blogspot.com/2012/12/mental-health-epidemic-please-share-its.html
I have no idea if you'll see this, but PLEASE consider NAMI for support and assistance. National Alliance on Mental Illness I believe saved my mom's life. She raised a "Michael". My mom and I had a safe plan while I was growing up. The family classes taught her how to deal with my brother and how to navigate the mental health system that is so broken. It took years, but as a result, he's doing much better and life, while not perfect, is certainly better. www.nami.org
I called all over our town and surrounding towns.. a teen I know has high functioning autism.. NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO WORK WITH HIM.. there are no professionals with experience in that field....you leave messages at their offices.. do not even get a call back... no help in Alaska for Autistic kids that I can find.
Thank you very much for sharing your experience with us all.
This helps us all to raise our understanding, and hopefully to become better.
I called all over out town and surrounding towns.. Nobody, no counselors to take a teen I know to see.. Nobody.. and the bad part.. When I call local mental health facilities to ask for help.. they take a message, my phone number and never even call me back...amazing. No help for Autism in Alaska.. The boy has High Functioning Autism.. when I say that they all get this bewilderd look on their faces.
THESE RAGES CAN BE PREVENTED.
So many posts here about young people raging, attacking and threatening.
Search for the book or website titled "Hope for the Violently Aggressive Child" for testimonials and much more detailed information on a new, safer and more effective way of approaching this behavior.
Anarchist Soccer Mom’s post on Blue Review serves two important functions. First, it has opened up the gates for other parents of children, adolescents, and adults to come out of the closet of the stigma of mental illness and share their experiences. This is evident from the over two thousand responses to her posts. Second, it should serve as a wake up call to the funders of mental health care to provide comprehensive and quality mental health care for the citizens of this country. Although unleashed by the horrendous massacre in Newtown and loss of lives, the time has come for the families of patients with mental illness to let the public hear their pain and the lack of comprehensive care for their loved ones with mental illness.
Have you read the book Evil Genes? It at least dispels the mistaken idea that troubled kids come from bad parenting.
In mentally ill, totally fucked up society, anyone who dares to have "open eyes and open mind" are deemed insane and mentally ill by the real inmates of the asylum.
The society operates on oppression at all levels of each individual. My heart goes out to a genius like this boy. Check out Free Domain Radio. The State and all its instituions are pure evil and oppressive... so is Capatalism at its root (operates on Sociopathy!). We are held captive by Sociopaths!
Of course children can much clearer see the fucked up world for what it is and refuse to be indoctrinated (brain damaged/destroyed) and thus fight back.
Send him "away" to a place far from this fucked up society that you call "civilisation" and he will be "cured" in no time. I wish all of this fucked up oppressive, cruel, evil society goes to hell, the sooner the better so we can perhaps one day get back to sanity again!
Anyone living free, like we were meant to be, like anyone from a tribal community (fx in a Jungle) would be deemed insane according to our standards, simply because they would not follow orders unquestionably. What is so crazy about that!?
Michael was also my Aunt Margaret's son, Tommy. Tommy and Michael sound one and the same.
When Tommy turned 18 and "didn't have do what she said" anymore, he became so aggressive, so frightening, that Aunt Margaret sent her younger children to visit relatives for an extended period. An older son stayed home, as did her husband, my Uncle Bob.
During that period, Tommy decided to punish his mother as best he could.
He knew she came down every morning to make coffee at the coffee maker by the kitchen window, and look at the birds in the feeder, hanging from a tree branch outside the kitchen window.
She'd chirp and talk to these birds. Tommy removed the feeder (smashed it to the ground, actually), affixed his noose, and hung himself from that branch.
Only this particular morning, Bob awoke early and came downstairs first. The first he'd done so in ages, and decided to make the coffee. He saw Tommy hanging from the branch. Went upstairs and got his other son, they came down together and called the authorities, and kept my Aunt upstairs until the body had been removed.
The end result of this entire lifetime of aggression and despair?
My Aunt Margaret said to my mother (her sister) "May God forgive me, but my first thought was 'oh thank you, it's over.' God help me, God forgive me, I was relieved."
My Aunt grieves the loss of her son, but she always points out she lost him years before he actually died, and the person who died was a monster who frightened her and the other children.
She says "I'm sorry he's gone, but every single member of my family breathed more easily ever after, and I won't ever lie and pretend it's tragic. His life was tragic. His death was relief."
Sad, but true and honest.
Something Terrel Hoffman said that I think is so important: I've also seen other family members cut out of the circle of love because this one person commands every ounce of emotional energy the caregiver has, leaving nothing for anyone else.
These bad seeds damage everyone else in the family - the mother who can't stop 'helping' them, the other children who are ignored or inappropriately punished, the other parent who may have different ideas about dealing with the troubled kid...
Parents, is the bad kid getting all your attention? How are your other kids doing? You have my profound sympathy for what the bad kid is doing to your family (I grew up in a house with a scary brother), but you must try not to let the normal kids be damaged by it.
I posted yesterday but I just thought of one more thing that could really help.
your son might have a gene methylation mutation. If you look up Dr Amy Yasko she has testing and diagnostic support.
You can simply google MTHFR, or Methylation Mutation and read some articles also, but in my opinion Dr Yasko is the most thorough clinician in the field at present.
I dont know why I didnt think of that yesterday when I was adding my comment. Anyway I really hope you can find some help.
Best wishes to you and your son.
Stephanie
After finding regular medicine wanting after retiring from USAF about 20 years ago, I started looking into alternatives. Vitamins, minerals, and other supplements have helped me in many ways. I loose much time to annual flus and other disease disturbances, often suffering the equivalent of a bad cold for a day instead of nausea and vomiting for many days. I have a record amount of unused sick time at my current job, too.
Alternative, or natural, medicine practitioners favor nutrients to medicine as often as possible. Some info is available at lef.org and garynull.com
Dr. Gary Null offers tons of free info. He keeps some doctors on staff to give free suggestions. You can call to talk to one by calling 212-874-4000. They won't charge you anything. They have protocols to suggest for mental illnesses.
He even finances an interesting internet radio station at http://prn.fm.
I hope they find you a working solution before your strength is no longer enough.
Frank Starr
Tampa, Florida
All I can say is THANK YOU, Thank you sooo much for posting this. I have felt so alone for so long and thought we were the only family that lives in fear of our own son. We have been seeking help for him since he was 8, he is now 16 and getting worse. Talking about weapons and how he cant wait until he is old enough to own one. He has even tried to make explosives and yet nobody will keep in in a facility and give him the help he really needs. I have been screaming for help in fear for my life and the lives of our younger children, and we are told the same thing, wait until he is actually charged with something. Why, why do they wait, that will be too late, I know in my heart that someone is going to be seriously hurt, possibly killed and nobody will listen to me
The Mental Health system in this country is seriously broke. It is estimated that 6% (1 in 17) of American adults suffer from serious mental illness. More than 4 million of our children also suffer mental illness. Studies show 20% (1 in 5) of our American families is impacted by mental illness. I know as I am one of those families. I have learned that our mental health system is a horrifying horrendous maze which is extremely difficult to navigate to obtain any meaningful help. What about all the families trying to navigate this horrible maze? It drains them physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. Families experience feelings of frustration, fear, guilt, denial, loss, isolation, sadness and loss of hope. How can families deal with such tremendous suffering? I can tell you from personal experience how families react to the crisis of mental illness does affect the family member’s recovery. The only way to deal with all this is to know peace of God, which surpasses all human understanding that will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7). To that end that is why I am trying to get “There Is Hope Ministries” up and running. I want families of people with mental illness to know they are not alone as nothing can separate us from the love of God. There is hope!
www.lutheransonline.com/mfpmi
The Mental Health system in this country is seriously broke. It is estimated that 6% (1 in 17) of American adults suffer from serious mental illness. More than 4 million of our children also suffer mental illness. Studies show 20% (1 in 5) of our American families is impacted by mental illness. I know as I am one of those families. I have learned that our mental health system is a horrifying horrendous maze which is extremely difficult to navigate to obtain any meaningful help. What about all the families trying to navigate this horrible maze? It drains them physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. Families experience feelings of frustration, fear, guilt, denial, loss, isolation, sadness and loss of hope. How can families deal with such tremendous suffering? I can tell you from personal experience how families react to the crisis of mental illness does affect the family member’s recovery. The only way to deal with all this is to know peace of God, which surpasses all human understanding that will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7). To that end that is why I am trying to get “There Is Hope Ministries” up and running. I want families of people with mental illness to know they are not alone as nothing can separate us from the love of God. There is hope! www.lutheransonline.com/mfpmi
I'm so sorry you are dealing with these things and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I have changed my goal in life thanks partly to your teaching and have started to work with people with disabilities. Yes,not so long ago I was a pain in the ass student who never would have know you were dealing with so much at home but will never forget how kind, understanding and helpful you were. Someday I hope that we can reach a point in our society that we can help people with disabilities live with some kind of independence without judgement but keep the safety of both them and the people around them in mind. I hope that some kind of good can come out of the tragic events and your bravery. Thank you so much for sharing and God bless.
Thank you for so bravely sharing your story.
The Mental Health system in this country is seriously broke. It is estimated that 6% (1 in 17) of American adults suffer from serious mental illness. More than 4 million of our children also suffer mental illness. Studies show 20% (1 in 5) of our American families is impacted by mental illness. I know as I am one of those families. I have learned that our mental health system is a horrifying horrendous maze which is extremely difficult to navigate to obtain any meaningful help. What about all the families trying to navigate this horrible maze? It drains them physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. Families experience feelings of frustration, fear, guilt, denial, loss, isolation, sadness and loss of hope. How can families deal with such tremendous suffering? I can tell you from personal experience how families react to the crisis of mental illness does affect the family member’s recovery. The only way to deal with all this is to know peace of God, which surpasses all human understanding that will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7). To that end that is why I am trying to get “There Is Hope Ministries” up and running. I want families of people with mental illness to know they are not alone as nothing can separate us from the love of God. There is hope! www.lutheransonline.com/mfpmi
Sending you love, you need a hug too, if only virtual. The system is going to need to change in order to assist these children, especially as they become adults. You are such a good mom and are really brave. I will pray for you all and any other parents who are fighting the good fight. Prayers and love also for Michael. <3
I have been saying we do not have enough resources for mental health for years. Thanks goodness this mother had the courage to write this blog. We need change.
You, Travis Mays, are a fool. You have no idea what youu are talking about.....how dare you judge before having first hand experience with this situation. KARMA.
Sending you some virtual hugs, you are a great mom. Sending hugs for Michael also, he is a good kid caught in the web of mental illness. I can feel your struggle and your pain. We as a nation need to think of support for these children, especially as they age into adulthood. Parents need respite and support as well. Thank you for your honest and moving story. <3
I too am one of those moms that was always being called to the school to help figure out what was wrong with my kid.
Thank you for being strong enough to get your son the help he needs, no matter how hard he fights you. I pray that things get better for you and your son.
I know this doesn't really help but I prayed (and cried) for you today.
Stay strong.
I too am I mother of a child with mental illness. The differences are that I also have mental illness and my child is a girl. I have bipolar, borderline personality disorder and ADD. She has bipolar, ADHD, ODD, OCD and probably more but we just don't know yet. She has been in the psych ward and jail (she is 16) and has had trouble with drugs (trying to self medicate). She lives with her father as it makes me "spin" when she is in full blown rage. I worry that she too will one day lash out so bad that she hurts someone so bad that they lock her up and throw away the key. I wish there was more that we could have available for us but for many people this will continue to be an "invisible" illness and will continue to think that we are all going to flip out so bad that somebody innocent will get hurt. Thank you for sharing your pain, frustration and struggle. I feel it as well and hope that my child, and yours, doesn't end up in the news
When my son was 4 years old, he would have violent outbursts. My normally calm little boy would suddenly start screaming, hitting, biting, kicking, etc. He would be like that for a day, and then then next he would be back to normal. After much trial and error, we finally found the cause. His violet behavior was the result of eating foods that contained red food dye. We learned to read food labels and eliminated all artificial colors and flavors from his diet. He's now 10, and since the diet change, he's not had a single violet outburst. Before we discovered the cause, we were ready to put him on medication to control his behavior. I can't begin to imagine what a nightmare that would have been. Kids medicine is liquid and is FULL of artificial colors and flavors. It would have made him worse, and probably set him on a course that would have effected his entire life.
I have no idea if this is a problem for your child, or for the children of many people that are commenting on here, but it might be worth looking in to. To really test it, your son would need to be completly off of all artificial colors and flavors for 2 weeks.
Hi I am a producer from Fox in NY. Your column was so moving. We are interested in speaking with you about your struggle. I can be reached Jessica.Cohen@foxtv.com.
Thanks.
Please contact me! j_haddenham@comcast.net
I agree with Nick. I have a mom with neurosis. I have a husband with Asperger's that was not undiagnosed until he was almost 45. I had a close friend who has a child with Autism. She was eventually institutionalized by her mom because she got belligerent but finally gave up the fight and basically went comatose. I can understand a lot of what you went though but will never comprehend it all. But I want to stress that our approach, to these children and adults who are not reposing to what we want them to, is the problem. We need to keep looking for what does work, not trying to force them around with our understanding of regular disciple and expectation of "normal" reactions.
When any one takes a hard line with people along the spectrum and probably all the mental challenges, and try to maintain and enforce it, even as the situation escalates, I say that is a failure on our part to understanding what is going in the mind the kid or person. These kids and people have desires, needs and opinions many of which might prove to be unique to us so we don’t always accommodating them.
They most often don’t have very sophisticated ways of trying to explain and assert themselves. Not allowing them any other way to talk about their desires and frustrations is disastrous for all involved.
We can first just ask what the kid needs and wants and why, not expecting and even demanding that they just tow our line because that is how it. I don’t want to be disrespectful, naive or glib about the entire situation but here is what I would have done with this particular indecent. I would have had a talk about whether he thought the navy could pass as black if he did go ahead and wear them. We would have then talked about what might or probably would happen if the they did not pass, like being sent to the office, me being called back in. We could talk about what would happen if he addressed the teachers and administrators in various ways, like calling any one a name. This way he can make a decision for himself now that he has thought it through more and understands some the ramifications. We might even end up talking about what a free country means. What are the limitations in such a society? And why this school is not as free as some others. We could even talk about if there is anything he might like to do to address the dress code and what we would be up against and if he thinks it is worth it. Now we are allowing him to have and to use is own mind while helping him with critical thing skills....What will feel like shame to him or controlling him will lead to his continual frustration and lack of trust in me.
And please, I don’t want to say this mom did anything wrong but I want to bring to light more understanding of the human behind the anger. We can help them with impulse control challenges but not by treating them as if they are just out of line. We need to talk about the lines. This is how we can help to being out their brilliance, not belligerence.
I am wondering if Michael is on any medications? The pharmaceutical industry pushes their mind-altering medications for issues like this in spite of these drugs causing violent behavior.
http://www.naturalnews.com/038353_gun_control_psychiatric_drugs_Adam_Lanza.html
http://www.alternet.org/story/19687/mental_marijuana
It might just work!! I'd move to Oregon where he can get great care here. I have a lot of information I could give you for conventional help as well. We take care of our own!
I left my email address in a previous message. Please do not hesitate to contact me.
Macey said, "We have all said hateful and terrible things in anger. All of us. We have told people we loved that we hated them, that we wanted to die, and that we "feel like killing" them. These are normal words to attach to the intense emotions a frustrated kid feels."
I don't believe this. Even if it happens a lot, I don't believe this has to be "normal". I'm not going to reject this out of hand, but I don't accept it out of hand either, it's worth thinking about.
Where are the MEN in all these families?
Where are the MEN in all these families we read about in the media?
Thank you so much. oh my gosh . just saw you on the news and had to start folowing your blog. Im a single mom and my son is six. I have scratches all up my arms. people just say to beat him but thats not the answer and i know it.
Thank you for your courage to post this story that is not a new story for some of us parents. I had a son with schizo-affective disorder who loved guns. He had many, which I took away from him. He died at age 29 of an accidental mixed drug overdose (all prescribed). He was very ill. I have a daughter with autism who is now 29. She was only diagnosed a few years ago. At 12 I had her evaluated by a neuropsychologist. She told me that I was lucky my child was a girl. She told me that boys with similar brain disorders can become violent when puberty kicks in. I know. I understand. I've seen the rages my daughter can get into when she is frustrated. I saw the rage in my son when he was angry. We need to have a conversation and take action, positive action, on mental health in this country. Thank you for starting a conversation.
Just saw you on CNN!!! So thrilled that you shared your heart and started the conversation. I was very touched to think that a mom, such as yourself, is honest and real about your struggle. God bless you. I hope good things come your way for your family and Michael. Be brave!!! You may be apart of the solution.
Thank you for your courage 'at such a time as this!'
Dear Liza,
Just saw you on CNN. You must look into Lithium Orotate an OTC nutrient compound available at the Vitamin Shoppe Stores and at my website www.opsetthemfree.com
Lithium Orotate has no side effects and the lithium dosage is 1/10th the amount of lithium. It is completely non-toxic and is a total breakthrough for all of the symptoms your son is experiencing.
I am available at 832-922-1813 if you would like to talk and get more answers. Dr. Mark Millar
Thank you so much for bringing this to light. Was your son on an antidepressant? there is a lot of info out there linking the two. The drugs turn normal kids into monsters.
Also some kids with developmental disorders have been helped by being on a gluten free diet believe it or not
http://www.cchrint.org/school-shooters/
I hope you will use your power and voice right now to shed light on this topic
What a heroine you are to bring this to light. If more people like you would come forward Mental Health Parity would not be just a pipe dream but a reality. Wealthy people have 30K per month facilities in Arizona they can send their children to for appropriate treatment, but the rest of us aimply are out in the cold. I wish the best in your struggle.
By now you must be aware of the connection between anti depressants and violence. They turn some kids into killing machines. Was your son on anti depressants?
http://www.cchrint.org/school-shooters/
You have the power now to bring light to this topic.
Also some kids are helped by something as simple as being on a gluten free diet but that's before you medicate them. Once you medicate them its more difficult, especially when you take them off the meds. they have to be very carefully monitored by a psychiatrist
Good luck
from decription of "The Explosive Child" by a Harvard expert:
Dr. Ross Greene provides a compassionate, practical approach to treating "explosive" children. Rather than viewing their behavior as willfully disobedient, he draws upon recent advances in the neurosciences and his extensive experience working with challenging children at Massachusetts General Hospital/Harvard Medical School in explaining that the difficulties of these children stem from brain-based deficits in two critical developmental skills: flexibility and frustration tolerance. These children may suffer from oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) and bipolar disorder. Often misdiagnosed under the broad umbrella of attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), they are too readily treated with drugs that can exacerbate their behavior. In a departure from treatments relying on rewarding and punishing, Dr. Greene's approach helps us grasp the underlying problems of explosive children, defuse explosive episodes, and reduce tension and hostility levels for the entire family by providing valuable tools for coping.
What′s an explosive child? A child who responds to routine problems with extreme frustration-crying, screaming, swearing, kicking, hitting, biting, spitting, destroying property, and worse. A child whose frequent, severe outbursts leave his or her parents feeling frustrated, scared, worried, and desperate for help. Most of these parents have tried everything-reasoning, explaining, punishing, sticker charts, therapy, medication-but to no avail. They can′t figure out why their child acts the way he or she does; they wonder why the strategies that work for other kids don′t work for theirs; and they don′t know what to do instead.
Dr. Ross Greene, a distinguished clinician and pioneer in the treatment of kids with social, emotional, and behavioral challenges, has worked with thousands of explosive children, and he has good news: these kids aren′t attention-seeking, manipulative, or unmotivated, and their parents aren′t passive, permissive pushovers. Rather, explosive kids are lacking some crucial skills in the domains of flexibility/adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem solving, and they require a different approach to parenting.
Throughout this compassionate, insightful, and practical book, Dr. Greene provides a new conceptual framework for understanding their difficulties, based on research in the neurosciences. He explains why traditional parenting and treatment often don′t work with these children, and he describes what to do instead. Instead of relying on rewarding and punishing, Dr. Greene′s Collaborative Problem Solving model promotes working with explosive children to solve the problems that precipitate explosive episodes, and teaching these kids the skills they lack.
My brother has allergic reactions to food dye and corn syrup that are the same as what I have read on your blog for your son.
You can contact my mother for more infomation at Suziq442@yahoo.com
By now you must be aware of the connection between anti depressants and violence. They turn some kids into killing machines. Was your son on anti depressants?
http://www.cchrint.org/school-shooters/
You have the power now to bring light to this topic.
Also some kids are helped by something as simple as being on a gluten free diet but that's before you medicate them. Once you medicate them its more difficult, especially when you take them off the meds. they have to be very carefully monitored by a psychiatrist
Good luck
I really admire your courage in sharing story with others. I know the notoriety you've received is not what you intended but perhaps your story (and I believe it already has) will help other parents in your shoes. I do hope you have a good support system because you need to take care of yourself too. Hang in there and I am hoping for the best possible outcome for your son:-)
Is there any clue as the the cause of his illness? If there is one? Has he had experiences that would lead him to this anger? Is it physiological? Is there a relationship between such a high IQ and these issues? Just curious
By now you must be aware of the connection between anti depressants and violence. They turn some kids into killing machines. Was your son on anti depressants?
http://www.cchrint.org/school-shooters/
You have the power now to bring light to this topic.
Also some kids are helped by something as simple as being on a gluten free diet but that's before you medicate them. Once you medicate them its more difficult, especially when you take them off the meds. they have to be very carefully monitored by a psychiatrist
Good luck
Thank God you were articulate enough to say the words so many of us parents who have a mentally ill child wished we had been able to say before this tragedy occurred but I am so glad you have said them now. There are MANY of us out there living this nightmare every day with our children. The mental health system is a joke and needs to be changed or more deaths like this will occur.
To the mother in this artical. Please know there are SO many options out socitey just does not make them easy to find. One that i truely believe in is wildreness therapy programs or theraputic boarding schools. yet there are many more. also there are people called educational advisors whose job it is to help find the write program for your child. please look into these!
I sometimes feel this way when my son says something so out of the ordinary or does something that we don't know the cause of.... He is not as extreame but sometimes I know how the feeling of hopelessness can get to a mother with a mentally ill child. There are not a lot of programs for mentally ill chlidren and using the prison system to get that help from our own government is too much for any mother to swallow.
It takes a lot of courage for a parent to admit that his/her own child is suffering from some kind of mental illness, or other issue that may be intractable- the Anarchist Mom's honesty cuts through the stigma and bravely reaches to the heart of the truth; this is so admirable!
Society tends to judge parents or school systems blindly for the child's behavior, without discerning the complexity surrounding potential causes for the child's illness/development over time into adulthood; this stigma/rejection pattern leads the parent(s) often to try to hide the dysfunction, in fear that society will reject the entire family unit, which actually enables the child to believe that the bad behavior/illness is "normal," as he/she witnesses it to be ignored by the adults surrounding him/her, and as he/she is rejected by peers, but without explanation or understanding. In situations of families broken by abuse, this stigma is worse, as the children are often yanked from the hands of the non-violent, to be raised by the more powerful, and violent, perpetrators. Society does not want to look at or deal with this kind of ugly truth about non-discerning divorce court systems and corruption, so the wreckage is hidden- kept under wraps. Children suffer immensely in homes that are broken, as the system does not discern between healthy and violent adult relationships as far as children are concerned, in divorce.
Added to the complexity is the fact that many of the medications given to young children for purported diagnoses, as their brains are forming, can actually cause mental illness (there's a great book that addresses this: "Anatomy of an Epidemic"). Today there are huge pressures on schools and parents, broken and stressed families, and systems that cannot, literally, find the time to delve deeply into each child's mind and heart; silent suffering today is immense for some, as society has become incomprehensibly complex. Kids are forced by the time-stressed systems to take strong medications, often by 2nd or 3rd grade (sometimes upwards of 50 percent of kids take SSRIs or ADD ADHD meds), just to "keep the system" on an even keel, to keep those test scores "up." The facts bear out in studies: over time, symptoms of mental illness tend to worsen, with these strong medications, (particularly without attending to and being able to fix the root cause).
So much today is all about manufacturing a facade of "normalcy" in our society, but without all of us taking the time to discern, to become aware of, care about and help everyone around us, including the undesirable reality that all the parents and children are suffering silently from a variety of issues, and are not able or permitted to "fit in."
Lastly, there is psychopathy, and sociopathy, which are persistent in between 2 to 5 percent of the population. We need to learn about the warning signs of the latter, intractable illnesses early, so that we can help diagnose and help remedy the behaviors as early and as much as possible, while teaching the Village to enlist support for each rejected individual and family, and to ensure accountability, without rejection or stigma, in every case. Autism or Aspergers alone does not lead to this; a pattern of enabling, rejection, shaming, genetics, isolation, or abuse, may be a root cause of an underlying sociopathy, as in other man-made tragedies.
All of the above problems require no Government money- it just means that we have to make room, take the time, break the stigmas wide open, and reach out the loving hands to reveal, envelop and make every relationship and interaction real.
You are incredibly brave and have been the most important voice, in my opinion, following this latest horrific tragedy. I say "most important voice" because you're story just hits the nail on the head. It has opened up my eyes. Prior to the CNN story, I was so angry and targeting only the lack of proper gun control. I still am angry and do not understand those that use guns for sport and so selfishly continue to defend their right to carry these weapons. But that's another disussion. My heart breaks for you. You are a strong woman, and I wish you from the bottom of my heart success in getting your son help that actually works.
Is there any idea as the cause to the illness? Has he had any experiences that would lead him to such anger? Is it physiological? Is such a high IQ related to these problems in children? I wonder if looking for the cause might help find the solution. And reading prior comments, diet and vitamins may have something to do with it. I had a thyroid problem and was vitamin D deficient for some time and became very depressed and suicidal until I was able to get my vitamins and hormones back to normal.
My daughter is adopted from a neglectful and sexually abusive family. We got her at 13. She is very violent, and has ADHD, Explosive Disorder, Conduct Disorder and any other D you could imagine.When she started kicking holes in the walls and throwing furniture and attacking me (she is 5'7" 260) I was afraid for me and my other adopted child. We had to have her removed and put into state facilities. They were no help as she had been in them since 4 and knew how to manipulate them to get what and where she wanted to be and played the game quite well and still at age 20 threatens us and tries to bully us into doing what she wants us to do with threats of harm. She needed help when she was young enough to to have it do some good, but no one seemed to understand that, thank goodness we never had weapons in the house, but the knives were an issue as well as pencils and anything else she could pick up. The state just wants them to get to 18 to get them out of the system and could care less in most cases if they help them or not. I am not sure what has caused so much mental health issues with our young people, be it food additives, insecticides or whatever, but something serious has to be done. There is so much abuse out there and the mentally ill go unnoticed until an issue like a mass killing comes up that we do nothing to help it out. We need mental wards again not cutting budgets to get rid of them. They need serious help, not ho hum places to go where they just hang out till time to go home. In depth counseling by seriously trained professionals. My daughter too is just as sweet and kind as they come until you piss her off then she is terrifying. I understand your pain. There is no easy answer.
I am reading your blog after hearing you interview on the television. You are not alone, and do not take to the criticism. Your story, is the same story my mom faced with my older brother. My childhood memories (I am now 22, with my own son) are plagued with her constant physical and verbal arguments with my brother. He was in the 6th grade when he threatened to stab his teacher in the middle of class, because she told him to follow a simple direction. He had been hospitalized almost 10 times at a child psychiatric hospital, a month long each visit, by the time he was an adult. Numerous fights I remember him threatening our lives, my mom and dad's lives, and threatening to kill himself. I can recall being 12 years old, pushing myself between him and my own father, who was too weak to defend himself because of chemo treatments due to cancer. My mom was scared, but knew she had to do something. When he was 16 he was arrested for coming after her with a baseball bat. She knew this was enough, and luckily, he was finally old enough to be diagnosed with schizophrenia. Normal symptoms don't arise until 20 years old, he was actually *lucky* to have early symptoms. After his diagnoses, he was able to attend a high school for kids like him. He actually graduated, one year late from his struggles before, but he did it. I wanted to comment to your blog to let you know, you are not alone, and this is the best thing you can do, spread your word about your struggles. It is extremely hard to face this with your own child. Please do not let others try to keep you quiet, you need to be heard by others. I hope for you guys to find the answers you need, and hopefully an adequate diagnoses for your son. My mom after all of this has actually found a lifelong career, and works as a mental health advocate in Washington state. I am not sure if you will read this comment or not, but I want you to know that you are not alone. And even if it takes numerous visits to the hospital for your son, never let his words of anger get to you. I am not sure how to end this comment, but I will keep you in my thoughts, and maybe even see future blogs of your journey with him. Good luck with everything.
I just saw your interview on television and sought out your blog. When everyone asks "why" the shooting "what can we do to stop this violence" I want to scream our mentally ill need HELP. The funds and facilities are all abandoned leaving these people and their families with no help in the United States.
My son when in his twenties beat me up and strangled me. I fought my way free and fled. The police picked him up several days later and he was put in a mental facility for stabilization. After 3 days they called me wanting to know if I would be picking him up and taking him home. They only keep them 6 days. My God.
In his twenties, no insurance, no county mental care, nothing. Our nightmare began and went on to include over a year in jail and over 10 years of having to live in filthy conditions with the poor, mentally ill who had no one to live with in another state.
He is now back with me, finally on medicare and medicaid and the right medication. But no further care for therapy is available. Those facilities only accept private insurance.
Every day I don't know what will trigger an episode. It's freightning.
I've come to understand I may have to die to be here for him and not put him out in the street.
I hope the President reads your blog. It IS the reason and cause for all of this across our country.
Thank you for telling your story. I watched your interview CNN and I was deeply moved. The mental health system in the U.S. needs to be addressed and I applaud your courage and bravery in telling your story. It cannot be easy to bare yourself to the scrutiny of the world. The love you have for your son and other children is obvious and I wish you all the best.
I saw you on CNN Monday evening and your story seemed like if you were telling mine. I have a 14 year old son and he has similar illnesses. He has ADHA, Autism, Bi-Polar, ED and ODD. My life has been very challenging. For many years I have thought when he grows up and I going to have to lock my bedroom door at night for my safety. He has been put in behavioral hospitals 5 times he is good for awhile and then things go back. This year he has been doing very well so far, but I am just waiting on the next blow up, you never know what is going to trigger it. He has been bullied for years and he shuts down. I pray everyday that he will never do anything to hurt himself or to someone else. He would cry everyday coming home from school. I have two other boys younger than him 12 and 8. Sometimes I wonder if I protect my children enough. I am a part-time worker and a parent volunteer at the schools. I love to be very involved with my children and their lives. I pray to God to help me each day and ask for the strength for the next day. I love my children so much... They are my life. Thank you for your blog.
I really think you are telling my story here. My son is 17 and on the verge of adulthood. He too pulled a knife on me but at the age of 5, has spent years in day treatment, inpatient psychiatric and outpatient treatment, now he is looking at long term residential treatment.
It's about time that America had this conversation. The needs of our children and individual communities as a whole are in desperate need of intervention. My prayers to you and to the victims of this most recent tradgedy.
To the mother in this artical. Please know there are SO many options out socitey just does not make them easy to find. One that i truely believe in is wildreness therapy programs or theraputic boarding schools. yet there are many more. also there are people called educational advisors whose job it is to help find the write program for your child. please look into these!
This video reminded me of your son:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzvIq8WISUo
A very moving story ... but is it true? Factually accurate? How are readers to know?
Thank you for putting into words the feelings of many parents, for helping some of us come out of our closets on the issues. Thank you for being your child's best advocate! I felt as if you wrote my story almost word for word. You are a strong person to speak out! Thank you! Thank you!
When I read your article, I was amazed and impressed with your honesty and could identify with your pain. I know you've had a lot of feedback and I am not a Dr nor giving medical advice. Please consider food sensitivities as a possible cause of some of the adverse behavior. You said after he had been at the hospital for a while his behavior changed back into your sweet child... I experienced this with my children when they ate artificial food coloring. Drugs didn't help, only deadened them and caused weight gain. SOMETHING is causing it with your son, because it isn't constant. Food issues can have a huge impact. Please do check out the websites that others are recommending. You will feel better with enhanced nutrition and he will, as well. Lastly, you are not alone. Thank you for voicing what others feel. I will be praying for you and all the other moms and children mentioned here.
Thank you, Thank you Thank you! Thank you for giving my mom a voice and children with serious mental illness a voice. I am a now 34 year old mom of 2 ( 7 and 9) and I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder and have been ill since the day I was born if you ask my mother lol Seriously though, my mom went through hell and was afraid of me by the time I was 3. Doctor after doctor told her nothing was wrong with her toddler banging her head on the wall over and over or biting her wrists until they bled.
Finally, at age 10 I started seeing a psychiatrist (paid for by a now defunct Champus we got through my dad's service in the U.S Army) and by 12 I was in a residential treatment center for nearly a year. I was lucky. It was 1991 and HMOs had not completly destroyed the healthcare system and the DoD had not gotten rid of Champus so my care (great care) was paid for.
I have been hospitlized over 20 times in my life. Most were stays of a few days to a week because insurance only pays until you are not a real threat. Sadly, the longest I was able to stay in my adult life was a month an a half and that was due to a combination of the fact I was very physically sick from anorexia and my wonderful doc fudged records to keep me in until I was ready to go.
Never stop fighting for your son. Never. Do whatever you have to do to get him help. Kids with serious mental health and behavior issues don't need to end up a wasted life. We are the genuises and the big hearts of this world! I promise, no MATTER WHAT he says to you, he needs you and he loves you.
Not one of the people who have shit talked to you knows what it's like to be your son or be you. Get involved with groups like NAMI. ( www.nami.org ) they offer great support for parents and will help advocate as well. All my warmest wishes.
BTW, LOVE the blog xoxo
Ally
I was diagnosed bi-poler when I was 15 years old. I wanted to commit suicide since the I have been 15 years old, and I was lucky enough as a teenager tohat my parents had insurance so I had access to medinie and therapy. For 25 years as an adult, happily married those 25 with four wonderful children all smart and stable. I still want to commit suicide every day. I have no real access to insurance. I work 50 hours a week, as does my husband. But to insure me family would take 80%. Of my paycheck, that's withe overtime. Add in deductibles, co- pays, just the gas to get to the doctors I need to see would leave me working in the hole. My family can not afford the loss of my entire wages. I hear that with National Health Care I may wait to see a doctor, but the the thought of even a CHANCE to get the help I need.....mental health and the complete lack of help in that area affect everyday family's like mine. I never wish to hurt anyone else, just myself. But my depression when it happens effects my entire family, like it or not. We need to address the core issues of the problems we face as a country
,
God bless you, Macy. I, too, struggled with a child that no one could define. I was so lucky to have found a pediatrician that was willing to hear me and fight right along with me.
I'll never forget some of the things he would say to me. "Please go tell Ms. Dell I didn't mean it. I'm a good person. I don't know what happened." Ms. Dell's name changed time after time to whoever he had acted out to.
"I never knew that this is how everyone else feels", he said after being on anti-depressants for 10 days.
We struggled through so much, ADHD, OCD, epilepsy, depression and what we thought was bi-polar although he was too young to be diagnosed at the time.
For years, we went to neurologists, behaviorists, occupational therapists, speech therapists, and immersion therapy for OCD (which was extremely painful but worked). All of this over a period of 10 years. Finally, between a private therapist, out-patient therapy for OCD, our wonderful pediatrician, and the countless other professionals that worked with us, we found the right therapies and medications that finally allowed our son to live a "normal" life. Today, he is in college, working part-time and functioning on the "Bell Curve". I was so afraid that it would never happen but I am so grateful that it did everyday.
I'm sure that there will someday be a syndrome named for these symptoms, hopefully in our lifetime and in time to help all the other children with these issues.
Please, Macy, don't give up. Keep up the fight. I remember the tears, the fights, the doctors' appointments, the out-patient therapy, the medications that ruled our lives and know that the fight was worth it.
Thanks to all of the professionals that saved my son. I will never forget you and know that you will make a HUGE difference for thousands of other children as you did mine. Mental health issues for children need to be addressed. Maybe through this blog, change can happen. Thank you, Macy.
Ok, first thing, there is no waythat you know enough details about this mother and how she raises her kids to judge her at all. second you played the woe is me card yourself. the author of this blog is only trying to reach out to people on behalf of her child, not for herself. and lastly, try to remember that her son had a knife and there were two much younger kids around. I commend her for putting her kids first....all of her kids. its one thing to be supportive when your child can communicate to you, its stupidity to risk the lives of all the family by taking a weak stance when looking at a weapon. a parent still has to create structure and guidelines for thier kid, even when mentally ill. that being a good parent.
I have a mental illness too, I was left homeless too.but I chose to read this blog to see the situation through the writers eyes and NOT through the goggles of my own suffering because doing so would be a disservice, it would be counterproductive. please try to read it again and put yourself to the side, try to see her perspective, what she faces. as you've said you understand the son. can you try now to understand the mother? In being able to see both sides clearly we all will finally be able to move forward.
Thank you. This is a discussion our country needs to have. I work at an independent teen newspaper in Los Angeles that has been publishing stories by teens in mental health group homes and psychiatric facilities. Their stories are ultimately hopeful because they got the intensive therapeutic help they needed (which may be easier in California). They, like you and your son, wanted to share their stories to help others understand mental illness and to show other teens they can get help. If you'd like to read their stories, the link is: http://www.layouth.com/stories-by-foster-youth-2/#mental.
Thank you Liza. As I read your piece last night, sobbing, I thought 'I hope this isn't my son's future'. I've been waiting and waiting for another mom's perspective in the wake of this tragedy, a perspective from someone saying I'm afraid my son could be an Adam Lanza...We must have a conversation about mental health, a real conversation. I just said to someone the other day- "I know where the kids with down's syndrome go to school, I know where the kids with learning disabilities and Autism and CP go to school, but where do the kids with behavior and mental health issues go to school?" Where is the help for these kids? And why won't people believe me when I say my kid needs help. I love my son. I'm sure Adam Lanza's mother loved her son, but no mother wants to be Nancy Lanza. BTW my son is 3 almost 4.
Thank you Liza.
The best six doctors anywhere
And no one can deny it
Are sunshine, water, rest, and air
Exercise and diet.
These six will gladly you attend
If only you are willing
Your mind they'll ease
Your will they'll mend
And charge you not a shilling.
~Nursery rhyme quoted by Wayne Fields, What the River Knows, 1990
Have you thought about what your child is going to have to deal with as a result of your posting this story and his photograph?
If you watch or read nothing else, PLEASE watch this about how food allergies cause the EXACT behaviors so many commenters here have described:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRDpcWZUEiU
Hint: If you've had a string of alphabet soup diangoses, it's because you/your child don't "fit" into any ONE of them. They are nothing but a description of the behavior, followed by the word "disorder."
Don't stop until you find the CAUSE of that behavior. Again, start here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRDpcWZUEiU
Liza, I am you 15 years later. I started my two boys in theropy at the ages of 5 and 8 and continued with them till they moved out. They are now both adults and both still struggle. One seems to be mostly a danger to himself but the other has talked about killing me for several years. I am even very hesitant to even talked about it for feer of pushing him over the edge. He has told family members and sent me text with his threats for a couple of years. I have gone to the police,put in an alarm system, bought a gun and have gaurd dogs. Once my best friend asked me how I felt about the idea my own son could kill me and I replied, "I will always love him; he's my son."
Thank you for opening up a much needed conversation.
My brother who was brilliant in math terrorized my younger sister and brother, and was in and out of mental institutions and jail.
When he's on his medication, he is quiet sad and chubby. When not, he is manic, bone-thin with delusions of grandeur.
He doesn't like medicine and only takes it when required to.
When my parents came home from a vacation, my brother, then in his 40s, had re-arranged the furniture, cut the tree in the front yard to nubs and was basically off his rocker again. When my 75-year-old father confronted him, my brother attacked him.
My father, who was a tri-athlete that qualified for the Iron Man, walked 3 brisk miles a day every day in his 70s (I had trouble keeping up), was working post-retirement as a full-time county bus driver, and vibrantly active in church and charity work -- is now a quadriplegic in a nursing home because of my schizophrenic brother.
We knew it was only a matter of time.
Despite my brother's long history of mental illness and related crimes - despite the cruel result of his attack -- and despite all of my sibling and mother pressing the court for lifelong supervision and medication monitoring - he was given 10 years. They judge understood and wanted to do more but that was the maximum.
It's been 3.5 years now. When he's out, no doubt he will go off his medication again. He is dangerous -- hopefully he won't show up at a gun show.
You are an amazing mother who is doing everything she can for her son. I hope this post results in help for you and all of the other families who struggle like this.
I totally get it, even the frustrated venting posts that were misinterpreted on CNN. ( I gather from her comments that Erin Burnett doesn't have children ?) I too have a son (16) who has his "issues" & his "moments" as well as an older daughter (24) of the same ilk. Some struggles get easier, but the fears are always there. I was a psychiatric social worker for 20 yrs. before I was injured, specializing in evaluating and diagnosing children & adolescents. Most are mis-diagnosed & all the labels continue to follow, but here's a tip: if the medication works to a degree that the worst symptoms dissipate some or lessen in frequency, then they're on the right track.Also, try to avoid the judicial system if you can, unless there's a PINS diversion program. Otherwise, your son will have a record that can cause him real problems later in life. Try to find a good psychiatrist that YOU feel comfortable with and who's willing to work with you. I find writing/typing a real chore, but if you want some advice in negotiating the systems, you're welcome to contact me privately at : Lroseymom@gmail.com.............Hang in there!
Clearly those who suggest that the problem described is due to bad parenting has never been the parent of such a child. It is good that they can get on here and see the wide range of supporters who have lived a similar experience and know the truth in your story. As if it were not enough that we must deal with the chaos and daily trials, we must also still prevail over ignorance and misinformation.
I am another mother of a violent, Asperger’s Syndrome, adult son. I have tried desperately and repeatedly to get him hospitalized. Last year, he was held for a week in an Emergency Room, placed in four point restraints and medicated against his will. However, mental health could not find a psychiatric bed for him in any hospital. When he finally ‘threatened’ hospital staff because they would not release him and could not find him a bed, the hospital let him go, and then charged him with felonies. He was then sent to be evaluated to see if he was ‘competent’ to stand trial – which of course, they decided, he was. He has still received no psychiatric care, or hospitalization.
I am terrified daily and have no idea what to do. He does not belong in prison – he has never even graduated from high school and does not understand the simplest things. He cannot drive, has never worked, and needs considerable assistance in daily living (shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.)
Mental health laws need to be changed. A hundred years ago, my schizophrenic aunt was dropped off by her family at the state hospital. She was cared for and visited until she died in old age. Her family was able to go on and live normal lives and know that she was safe and not a danger to anyone else.
We need to reopen the long-term psychiatric hospitals that were closed in the sixties. It is not humane to have our mentally ill population in prison cells and wandering homeless on the streets. It is impossible to hospitalize anyone when they must confess that they are ‘suicidal’ or ‘homicidal’ in order to be admitted against their will. If they are admitted, they are released within two weeks on some medication regime, which they are usually unable to maintain without inpatient support.
How is it that dangerous mentally ill people are free to wander about to commit horrible crimes? And yet we worry about gun control and right to bear arms. Mental health laws urgently need to be changed so that the families of young men like Adam Lanza can make certain they get help, and can make certain that other people’s children remain safe.
Honestly, as parents of mentally unstable individuals, we are desperate to help society, and our own children to be safe.
I am a mental health counselor and see parents with children like Liza's. It appears that Liza made the correct responses to her son, had a safty plan, and hid sharp objects. I'm assuming she does not have a semi-automatic rifel and 2 guns in the home and that she doesn't take Michael Target shooting. Of course it would be great if mental health services were more comprehensive, but we do also need more sensible gun laws.
The comments that suggest bad parenting is responsible clearly reflect their lack of information or experience in this arena. Take heart and know that those of us who have "been there" know exactly what you are dealing with; you are not alone. It is a shame that along with the daily chaos we must also be vigilent about educating those left in ignorance, but we must if we want more help and compassion for our kids...
I just wanted to get something out there. There seem to be a lot of inferences here that Autism, Asperger's,NVLD, NLD or PDD NOS are mental illnesses. They are NOT! They are neurological conditions. People who have these disorders can be extremely explosive, but become so when they have triggers in their live that create and exacerbate over-stimulation scenarios.Understanding this behavior and the proper interventions can produce happy healthy functioning people. There are people in the field of neuro-science and clinicians who understand this and have published many, many books on the subject. If you have a child with this type of problem, you would be doing your child a disservice if you did not read some of these books and get some understanding of what is going on in his/her life.
STOP THE MADNESS.
It's like none of you suffering parents see this post, but I'll repeat it again.
THESE RAGES CAN BE PREVENTED.
Attacks, biting, meltdowns; it's not really a part of autism, bipolar, ODD, ADHD etc.
Most of it is a temporary physiological condition called Immature Adrenaline Systems Overreactivity (IASO).
Physiological, as in, we don't have to feed these kids psych drugs.
Google it.
There's one doctor in America who has the handle on this behavior problem, and it stuns me we have to spend a year screaming to get anyone's attention. THE SOLUTION FOR MOST OF YOU IS HERE.
Search for the book or website titled "Hope for the Violently Aggressive Child"for a new, safer and more effective way of approaching this behavior.
This has made me deeply sad. I feel so bad not only for you but for all of us. Our society takes care of criminals more than it does victims, good people, citizens in need. It always costs less to prevent- a crime, an illness, than to cover the damage once done. So it's sad we pay more, while endangering ourselves, as a society more, and just do a grave injustice to people like you, and your son, while at it.
Thank you so much for the article. My older brother was like this as a child. I'm actually so happy to hear your story and to know that you did what you did. My mother, though a very capable woman, wasn't as well-prepared as you were for a situation like this. And as a single parent, she wasn't even home most of time to see the worst of what he did to me and my little sister. Currently I'm still living with him, but things are better. I think that it's good that he is smart. It means he understands consequences. I hope hope hope that your situation gets better and that a change will be made to this terrible system we have in place. I think the biggest reason is simply no one really knows what to do with these rare but dramatic anomalies.
Thank you so much for the article. My older brother was like this as a child. I'm actually so happy to hear your story and to know that you did what you did. My mother, though a very capable woman, wasn't as well-prepared as you were for a situation like this. And as a single parent, she wasn't even home most of time to see the worst of what he did to me and my little sister. Currently I'm still living with him, but things are better. I think that it's good that he is smart. It means he understands consequences. I hope hope hope that your situation gets better and that a change will be made to this terrible system we have in place. I think the biggest reason is simply no one really knows what to do with these rare but dramatic anomalies.
I am another mother of a violent, Asperger’s Syndrome, adult son. I have tried desperately and repeatedly to get him hospitalized. Last year, he was held for a week in an Emergency Room, placed in four point restraints and medicated against his will. However, mental health could not find a psychiatric bed for him in any hospital. When he finally ‘threatened’ hospital staff because they would not release him and could not find him a bed, the hospital let him go, and then charged him with felonies. He was then sent to be evaluated to see if he was ‘competent’ to stand trial – which of course, they decided, he was. He has still received no psychiatric care, or hospitalization.
I am terrified daily and have no idea what to do. He does not belong in prison – he has never even graduated from high school and does not understand the simplest things. He cannot drive, has never worked, and needs considerable assistance in daily living (shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.)
Mental health laws need to be changed. A hundred years ago, my schizophrenic aunt was dropped off by her family at the state hospital. She was cared for and visited until she died in old age. Her family was able to go on and live normal lives and know that she was safe and not a danger to anyone else.
We need to reopen the long-term psychiatric hospitals that were closed in the sixties. It is not humane to have our mentally ill population in prison cells and wandering homeless on the streets. It is impossible to hospitalize anyone when they must confess that they are ‘suicidal’ or ‘homicidal’ in order to be admitted against their will. If they are admitted, they are released within two weeks on some medication regime, which they are usually unable to maintain without inpatient support.
How is it that dangerous mentally ill people are free to wander about to commit horrible crimes? And yet we worry about gun control and right to bear arms. Mental health laws urgently need to be changed so that the families of young men like Adam Lanza can make certain they get help, and can make certain that other people’s children remain safe.
Honestly, as parents of mentally unstable individuals, we are desperate to help society, and our own children to be safe.
I agree with Macey, there is something wrong with you and not necessarily your son. There is something strange about how suddenly your son became out-of-control and threatened you with a knife.
Also, what is with you mentioning your "Steinway?" Is that some sort of a status symbol? Where was your husband or boyfriend when all this happened?
As blog readers we need more info-when did the "first" sign of odd or strange behavior happen with Michael?
I am a 40 year old woman who had a sister so similar to your son. She was brilliant, manipulative, at times so nice and at times so evil. Her anger and rage were not just at my parents but me and I grew up in constant fear of being beaten, threatened with knives and pillows being held over my face. My parents tried multiple therapists, strategies, court orders,etc... I am so sorry for you And your other children. My sister is now a grown woman too and has battled through her life both charming and scaring people she meets. I do not have a relationship with her and have told my husband that if something ever happens to me make sure they investigate my sister as I still live in a certain amount of fear she will come after me. Please make sure the siblings of these children are looked after and feel safe. As much as it hurts you may not be able to change or save your son, but don't let those around him suffer more than they must. I truly feel for you and your family.
Thank you for opening up and sharing your child and your life with us. People are quick to judge and criticize without even knowing what its all about having a mentally ill child and not getting the help needed. Children do not choose to be sick. We as a society need to help these children. The government needs to help the children and their families. What just happened in Conneticut is a wake up call of the many that have happened. Help is needed ASAP.
I've only had the opportunity to read through a few of the comments on your blog. I'm not a mother, but I can empathize with what you're dealing with. I had a boyfriend who is bipolar (not saying your son is). His parents did not know how to help him. He'd also been involved in an almost fatal car accident and suffered a brain injury, which did not help with his mental health. He was very hard to deal with, and like you, I had no idea what would set him off. There would be times that he would get so upset that he would bang his head on the wall hard enough that it would knock him unconscious. It was frightening. Even more frightening...he legally owns a gun. Mental health is definitely something that needs to be widely addressed and not pushed to jail cells.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are unbelievably strong.
Hi I have no idea if you read your comments or not. but I WAS EXACTLY like your boy at 13, I went through the entire system. I'm 33 and live a fairly normal functional life now it was difficult and I've learned a lot if I can help I will try. Please contact me.
iamquib@yahoo.com
I'm a neuroscientist and I'm utterly shocked you would feed your kid antipsychotics when he is not suffering from a psychosis. Yes, I am familiar with "off-label" use, however if I was a parent I would not even consider this option unless my kid had severe schizophrenia and was suffering severely.
ADD is *theorised* to be due to a deficit of dopamine, whereas antipsychotics make dopamine less potent. I will leave you to see the flaw in this logic if someone has prescribed him both. Anxiolytics and antidpressants will further completely mess up his neuromodulatory systems. Personally I wouldn't touch any of this stuff. We dont even fully understand how it works and what the consequences are. Even in the most severe cases of autism these drugs are not used. Behavioural therapy is always number one in the absolute vast majority of minor cases such as autistic spectrum, ADD, or getting angry about what colour pants he wears. However, if you think you can make him into a perfect kid by feeding him drugs, go ahead. Just remember, that you are buying these drugs from people whose job it is to prescribe them and create diagnoses of disorders. Please, think about that rationally.
Have you tried cannabis as a medicine for your son? There is a lot of scientific evidence to support cannabis use for medicinal reasons especially mental health. I have seen very positive effects myself. Cannabis has no side effects and can be taken as a drink, eaten or of course for fast action smoked. Given you present situation it could be worth a try.
This is our story 13 years ago....and it only got worse from there.
We max'ed health coverage for mental health coverages, then went bankrupt from there. Our son's violence esclated, as did police involvment. One court ordered mental health placement sent him home on the first possible day they could because "they couldn't control him. He was disruptive to the facility". There were more diagnosis than I can count and just as many med changes. It wasn't until he nearly killed me during a violent outburst over what we were having for dinner that he landed in adult court. For this, he was given 30 days in jail (3 yrs suspended) and court ordered therapy once a week. After failure to comply with the therapy and take his meds, including 11 counts of violating probation he was required to serve more time in jail.
We had a SERIOUS failure to protect issue going on with our other children when he was at home because no meds stabilized his behavior. Special schools, many doctors, dozens of medication changes...nothing helped.
My husband and myself found us telling doctors and Judges that he was a danger to himself and society as a whole, only to fall on deaf ears.
Something has to change. My son has hurt his sibblings, myself, my husband and other kids. He was not even close to a model inmate while in jail either. He's out now and I'm scared he could really hurt someone or worse....
My hear weeps for you and I so remember days like i read here.. I have been very Blessed and now my son is 17 and very well adjusted or as best as can be with all of his special needs. My son's ODD first showed it's ugly head when he was around 9. I have heard many threats or killing me chipping me up in little pieces and pouring gas over my bed and burning me so no one would know it was me.. I have had chairs broken over my back been punched, bit, spit on, kicked you name it.. for me the best method of getting the out burst to calm back down were to never let him see he was getting to me.. never show fear and always tell him no matter what I love him. When he would start to escalate I would send his Brother and Sister to neighbors houses to stay til I came to get them. after each episode I would set down and go over each and every minute of the outburst and think about the things that happened that made it get more heated.. what I did or said that helped calm him. Then you take what you learn from each experience and rearrange your whole life around the things you learned removing anything that could cause sparks you walk on eggshells til you get it right or as close to right as you can. I to have heard the I'm so sorry it will never happen again more times then I could count. Having siblings around when he would go off was always the worse, we came up with a family safety plan where the siblings knew they had to leave and not come back til I came to get them. He could get them upset and when they would cry it was like adding fuel to a fire. I never really allowed myself to feel fear from him. My son has ADHD, FAS, ODD and Tourette Syndrome. For me life has gotten better we still have our bad days just not as many and not as bad.. good thing because now he is 6'3" and well at 5'4" it would be much harder for me to over power him.. He now shows remorse for things he does..there was a time when he didn't and would say he was sorry just because he felt he had to if he wanted to get his things back. My Prayers go out to you and all the others who read this and cry thinking OMG this is my life and we always feel like no one knows what we are going through .. as you read these notes you will see you are not alone! Hugs and God Bless! Nebraska Mom
I am reposting what I placed on my facebook page in response to this artlicle that one of my friend's shared:
I wish I could say that I don't know what this mother is going through, but sadly it reminds me of my experiences as a child. My brother was like her child. When he was calm he was a sweet wonderful brother but he could turn on a dime. When my mother tried to get help social workers, judges and mental officials told my mother that it was his "right" to be crazy as long as he didn't do anything to hurt someone else or himself. She was finally able to get him help but only because he became compliant and allowed her medical conservatorship over him. Even then, until the day he died (peacefully from an aneurysm) I dreaded that I would turn on the news some day and find he had done something awful like shoot up a school or get killled by plice because of his eratice behavior. Guns aren't the problem. My brother never once threatened me or my mother with a gun. The problem is how we treat, or fail to treat, mental illness in this country. THAT is what needs reform!
And I am "Michael", nobody forced adam to do what he did. however nobody stopped him. Unlocked guns in the house, a survivalist mother, who may have had mental reasoning issues herself. A normal person does not horde weapons out of fear of societal collapse. A normal person who would have such a challenged child in the house, wouldn't have so many unlocked weapons in a house, let alone any weapons.
I got kicked out every school I went to, from public, to public, to private, to boarding, to boarding, to college to college. I got arrested for domestic assault, due to a rage and a series of events the spiraled out of control, very quickly. Some have diagnosed me with Aspergers, some as other things. I spent the summer of my 18th bday inpatient after a suicide attempt.
There is hope out there, but to get to the other side one has to make it. First kiss at 18, considering marriage at 33. It was not easy, still isn't.
Whats my point... None. I blame adam for deciding, and nancy for enabling.
My 12 year old son is Autistic and as he gets closer to puberty, he has become more angry and aggressive. He has had several physical outburts towards adults, thankfully, not towards other children. This was NOT a part of Autism that I was prepared for and there really are NO resources for helping handle this. Most professionals I have encountered are perplexed and bewildered. Turning to the net has got me no where, except more afraid. I am very afraid of the future for my son, myself and my family. I know of no options or support. I have heard this will pass, but I have also been told this will take on the clinical identity of Bi-Polar. Another surprise... Thank you SO MUCH for your poignant and much needed posting about what you and your family have dealt with. I hope this is a great step towards finding support for you and your son and hopefully for all other families dealing with this. Thank you so much. From a lost mother...
I too am the mother of a 14 year old son, who is almost identical to your son in many ways. And I , like you believe this problem is not one of gun control, but one of a failing mental health system. If President Obama is serious about wanting to take serious action to stop these shootings then he needs to help us help our children. I have told my sons principle, counselors, teachers, and psychiatrists that if they dont do something to help him he could be the next Columbine shooter and , but all I get is lip service saying "he's so nice when he's here", or "he just gets mad when other kids pick on him". What they don't see, and believe is the outbusts of aggression and violence he has at home, so they pass it off lightly saying we'll see him next month, call if you need us (but they never call back) and they make safety plans for you and your other children on paper. My safety plan is to sleep with a knife and a cell phone, and I have cameras in my home to record the carnage when they finally find me dead!
Please, speak to your representatives, write letters to the President, demand they change the Mental Health laws so we can get our kids help without them having to commit a crime! Right now our hands are tied to get them the help they need to prevent violent shooting rampages like this when the psych hospitals send them home because they look cute and harmless . They need to listen to the parents!!! Please help us help our kids and protect society!!
Thank you from someone who grew up with a 'difficult' brother.
I live in CT, barely 30 min drive of Sandy Hook. This is a small state with many connections and interconnections, so if you are not personally connected to the victims and their families, then you are friends/related to someone who is. My heart and soul are broken for the 20 beautiful children who will never grow up and their families who will never see them grow up. I apologize if my words seem harsh. You are nothing like Adam Lanza's mother. You turned left instead of right to get your son the help he needed and you could no longer provide. You recognize the limitations of your selfless love for you child and your commitment to his well-being as well as that of your other children, family members, and strangers. You made a heartbreaking choice to get Michael help and you're doing just that. You are, in fact, protecting him for what could happen as much as you are protecting others as well. You are the kind of mother Adam needed--one who would choose to lose "her social face and appearance of perfection" and ask for help. If only...then perhaps, we would not be burying tiny little coffins now. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Michael and your family. You're fighting an uphill battle. Be strong and take care of yourself as much as you are taking care of your children. And remember, you are not Adam Lanza's mother. You made the impossible choice to save your son.
IT'S NOT ODD, IT'S NOT BIPOLAR and it sure as **** isn't Autism.
STOP THE MADNESS and put down the drugs!
Parents writing about the hell you've gone through need to know about a new diagnosis called Immature Adrenaline Systems Overreactivity (IASO).
IASO is a temporary physiological condition which occurs at unexpected times or triggers.
Being a physiological condition means we don't have to feed these kids psych drugs.
Google it.
There's one doctor in America who has the handle on this behavior problem, and it stuns me we have to spend a year screaming to get anyone's attention. THE SOLUTION FOR MOST OF YOU IS HERE.
Search for the book or website titled "Hope for the Violently Aggressive Child"for a new, safer and more effective way of approaching this behavior.
Patrick Render, I feel your pain. My brother reeked havoc on my parents until the end of their days. My heart goes out to anyone who deals with mental illness. Prayers for your family.
I believe your son can be helped. Thanks for sharing your viewpoint...please contact me if you would like to hear what I have to say about helping your son.
i have gone through some of these posts with tears in my eyes because it surely hits home with my soul...the meds they give many mentally ill patiens are hard on their organs it ends up in their demise. i really don't know what the answer is
I thank you for publishing this. My son is 8 yrs old and he to suffers from mental illness. He has stabbed me, threatened to kill me in such detail to his teacher that she called me immediately from her classroom. He has hit his younger sisters and is extremely violent and has rages that are uncontrollable, at times for no reason.
But he also is a sweet, loving, caring child. Who reaches out to help anyone he can that he believes needs it. He is highly intelligent and holds advanced scores in both math and science.
He has a rare disorder called Mesial Temporal Sclerosis (L). Something that only affect 0.01% of children. He has epilepsy, impulse control issues, developmental delays, learning disabilities, and PTSD for unknown reasons.
Because we have been at the hospital so much, I was accused of having Muncheusins Syndrome By Proxy (sp?). Because there were times he would stop right when getting to the hospital.
Now thankfully I've gotten him in to see a child psychologist and now a child psychiatrist.
But not all parents can do this. This is a national problem. This is what our focus should be on. Before children like my son become the next Adam Lanza.
Please, please, pay attention now. See it now. For my son's sake and the sake of so many other ill children who need help. Want help. Deserve help.
Thank you.
As a 54 year old female I often wish I would have had the ability to do what you did to some of those bullies. My life would have been so different.
That strength is still within you...keep fighting.
Hello, I am reading this tonight, because my daughter sent it to me. You see, my son was identical to what you describe your son to be like. We lived in fear too for awhile, as a single parent I often was "spent" at the end of a long work day, and would come home to total chaos. I went through absolutely everything just like you are. I finally got him into a treatment program, for 6 weeks, and had a very frank talk with him that he was going to go live in a children's home because we could no longer have him living with us. He got his act somewhat together, with the help of continued counseling and prescribed drugs. He went to a special high school where he could excel, and still has some problems as an adult, he has problems with patience and dealing with others, but other than extreme road rage, he is basically calm. I just want to tell you that your son may grow out of a lot of the behavior and become a more manageable adult. I feel for you, and I feel your pain.
I have been reading some of the comments here, and truly understand what you are going through. I have read many comments about there being no resources, or not being able to find resources to help your child. I can tell you they are out there. In my area (NH) there are several universities, colleges which have services, or clinical trials, clinicians, psychologists etc... working with people and families with mental health issues. If you have a family member with autism, I strongly recommend that you look up and read some of Tony Atwood's books. There are multiple resources on the web. A good beginning is the link posted below. It is a New England organization, but there are numerous links to other sites etc...
http://www.aane.org/
Matthew Chapter 17
14 And when they were come to the multitude, there came to him a [certain] man, kneeling down to him, and saying,
15 Lord, have mercy on my son: for he is lunatick, and sore vexed: for ofttimes he falleth into the fire, and oft into the water.
16 And I brought him to thy disciples, and they could not cure him.
17 Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me.
18 And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour.
19 Then came the disciples to Jesus apart, and said, Why could not we cast him out?
20 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
Acts 5:16 "Also a multitude gathered from the surrounding cities to Jerusalem, bringing sick people and those who were tormented by unclean spirits, and they were all healed."
Matthew 4:24 - And his fame went throughout all Syria: and they brought unto him all sick people that were taken with divers diseases and torments, and those which were possessed with devils, and those which were lunatick, and those that had the palsy; and he healed them.
You NEED to turn to our LORD CHRIST, HE WILL HEAL YOUR CHILD, but you MUST ACCEPT HIM as your savior and cast away sinful influences and spend time in prayer with him. Read scripture on mental illness. God Heals THOSE WHO SEEK HIM.
My husband and I agree completely and understand what you are going through. I think your interview on CNN was excellent and unless you live with a child who has mental disorders you don't understand how it is to fear for your life or just your day by day activity wondering when he is going to blow up and create a scene. We continue to struggle to find a way to help our 11 year old adopted son who came into our home at 3.5. He has been challenging for the past 3 years and we are at our wits end. He just came out of a long term residential program where he was in for almost a year. He is on 5 different medications and was diagnosed with ADHD, RAD, mood disorder, post traumatic stress disorder.
Amen sister! Mental health was discarded by this country in the late 1960s. We adopted a child like yours, and wont be surprised when he "makes the news" someday.
my heart goes out to you and it really put a lot of the problem into perspective. I am life long democrat and i was all about gun control but now you opened my eyes to a different perspective of mental illness. I have a three year old son and these events horrified me. I was looking for answers and there are none. I think you wrote a beautiful piece
Amen sister! Mental health was discarded by this country in the late 1960s. We adopted a child like yours, and wont be surprised when he "makes the news" someday.
Four kids and no poppa in the house? hmmmm
how 'bout God? is He cool enough?
Amen sister! Mental health was discarded by this country in the late 1960s. We adopted a child like yours, and wont be surprised when he "makes the news" someday.
Hello,
My name is Mark Reinhardt, and I live in Boise Idaho as well. For me, as a person who lives with Mental Health, and Developmental Disorders. I understand where you are coming from, and wanted to let you know that there is hope for your son. In fact, I want to join you in the national discussion. The following is information about me in an effort to send an Olive Branch to get started.
The Profile NPR did on me that was Broadcasted on Morning Edition.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwwvT98Wus4
My YouTube, and WordPress pages
http://www.youtube.com/acousticfreeze1
http://www.acousticfreeze.wordpress.com
A couple of Freelance Blog Articles I have done on this situation.
http://acousticfreeze.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/issues-not-talked-about-surrounding-the-connecticut-elementary-school-shooting/
http://acousticfreeze.wordpress.com/2012/12/17/fact-checking-the-cbc-on-gun-control-in-canada-and-the-united-states/
This is my email in case you would like to talk further.
acousticfreeze@ymail.com
My husband and I agree completely and understand what you are going through. I think your interview on CNN was excellent and unless you live with a child who has mental disorders you don't understand how it is to fear for your life or just your day by day activity wondering when he is going to blow up and create a scene. We continue to struggle to find a way to help our 11 year old adopted son who came into our home at 3.5. He has been challenging for the past 3 years and we are at our wits end. He just came out of a long term residential program where he was in for almost a year. He is on 5 different medications and was diagnosed with ADHD, RAD, mood disorder, post traumatic stress disorder.
Thanks for being brave enough to make this public.
I am writing this with tears streaming after having a meltdown day with my beautiful ten year son who sounds like a younger version of your sweet boy. It is terrifying to watch him melt down and then even more terrifying when ten minutes later he acts like nothing happened. We too struggle for any available help, but there is none. I've said many times that I'm pretty sure he will kill me (or at least try to) at some point in the future. His biological mother has serious mental health issues so we don't know if it's genetic, enviornment or just one of those things that can't be explained. He is so bright, so charming and polite, funny in a way that makes people laugh, and so tempermentally unstable that I can't wrap my head around it. I really thought I was alone in this. Thank you so much for this post. God Bless and help us find a way to help our sweet boys.
I would love to be able to tell you the nightmare my family and I went through with our oldest daughter.We tried so many times to get her help but no one would help us or help her.If you email me at kimgates1123@gmail.com I will take the time to tell you our story.Something has to be done about the ignorance of people who have no idea what families like our go through and it is all about fear and money.God bless you for speaking out.There are a lot of us.
Thank you. I have a relative who is mentally ill. Although this relative has never tried to hurt others, it is so very hard to see someone hurting themselves and others (not just physically, but emotionally). It is hard for a mentally healthy person to understand why someone would behave in ways that are so destructive. It is hard to talk about it because of the stigma and fear associated with mental illness. We have come a long way from hospitals that would treat mentally ill patients like animals, but we still have a long way to go yet.
Now it's time for you to read the back story of Sarah Kendzior, and realize how you've been cunningly manipulated into invalidating your own valid experience! Kendzior tendentiously featured aspects of your story that she could twist into a straw man of you, and then left out the glaring problems of your son's real violence and his threats to harm others or himself, and need for a restrictive environment.
http://3dblogger.typepad.com/wired_state/2012/12/want-the-truth-behind-sarah-kendzior-who-attacks-i-am-adam-lanzas-mother.html
Stick to your intuitions and stick to your experiential knowledge. Don't let this manipulative Internet persona named Sarah Kendzior try to undermine you by declaring *you* a suspect Internet persona without validity unless she edits you. You have an important story to tell. Kendzior is not an expert on mental health or autism; she is an anthropologist in the field of Central Asian studies, and there her theories that undermine democracy and human rights and tend to favour authoritarian governments are strange, to say the least.
God Bless you and your son. I pray you find the help you need.
Thank you. We mother's now have a voice thanks to you. Now imagine your son four years older and throw in alcohol/drug abuse and that's what I'm going through. There's good in him, though. My son was recently arrested for assaulting me. I know he doesn't belong in jail but there are no resources available here. Helplessness doesn't even begin to describe what I feel. Please pray for all of us mothers who need the strength and wisdom to know what to do. God Bless You and I pray your son is healed. Please pray mine will be also.
Incredible to hear a story so like mine. My son was first hospitalized at the age of 12 for taking an entire bottle of Ritalin. His first diagnosis was bi-polar . He has been on every anti-psychotic known to man over the next 14 years . We tried so many "placements" for him over these years, including, military school, wilderness therapy, home school, juvenile detention school, covenant house shelter. All of this from age 15 to 18. Anyone who has been brought this knows what happened next. Selling himself on the streets, drug addiction and then prison for a year. We thought it would help him, possibly "wake him up". Don't ever believe this lie! It was the most horrible year of our lives. When he was released, he went straight to the mental hospital and we are still are trying to undo the damage. I hired an attorney who specialized in mental illness and soon my son was on disability. I also gained guardianship of him so that he has a voice of reason through me now. I have stood before many judges , attorneys and psychiatrists now to advocate for my son. He is now automatically tagged in the mental illness court if any concern about him arises. He is becoming more independent now at age 26 and I pray that some day he will not need me so much. It has been a long , hard battle and I pray that you find solutions with as little collateral damage as possible!
The parallels between Michael and myself are uncanny. I've grown up with similar problems. I'm 20 years old now, and dealt with these issues my entire life. The schools never helped my mother, either. They always kept telling her that she needed to ‘do something,’ but never helped her or told her where she could get help. I was brought to multiple child psychologists who did not help. My pædiatrician thought it might be ADHD. He is a good man, but he never had a degree in psychological studies. It was never ADHD, but under the assumption that it was I was put on Concerta which exacerbated the problems.
IM praying for you and your family.
A standing ovation from California. This is real and happens. We must get our heads out of the sand! We have several kids in our large psych practice in Central California who threaten to jump out of the car on the way to the crisis hospital (again); who want to kill themselves and/or their parents; who bite and scream and etc. This is a brutal reality. Until something serious happens or someone is hurt nothing can be done since no laws have been broken yet. These kids are falling through the cracks and their parents are out of suggestions and out of time.
Don't even get me started on access whether one is broke or insured. So sorry ma'am....May God bless and protect you all. Sharon B. Stockton CA
Thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you because of all what you have had to deal with. I had a friend who developed schizophrenia. This brilliant but troubled woman eventually committed suicide. This is part of the reason why I, as a nurse, have tried to find some answers.
May I suggest a website:
http://www.truehope.com
One of the men who developed this supplement, had done so because his wife and two of his several children developed mental illness. The wife eventually committed suicide. Eventually, this story has a happy ending because the son, who had become violent and had to be institutionalized, began taking the proper vitamins/minerals and his thinking become normal again. You may decide this is not for you, but I think it is definitely worth looking into.
Several years back, the men who developed this supplement gave an excellent presentation on the reasons why there has been a huge increase the development of mental illness. Part of the reason is that we put chemicals on our soil and that the vegetables we consume have 50-80% less minerals than a half-century ago.
This could have described my stepson. I married his dad when he was 12 and he made our lives a living nightmare. He was in and out of mental health facilities and even spent 6 months in a residential place. We have a folder full of police reports from where he's threatened me or his father. He learned early on not to say that he'd harm himself because he didn't want to have to stay in another treatment facility. That was a big part of our problem. He was a smart kid and learned how to work the system after about a year into it. He could whip up a behavior plan or house rules for himself and say whatever he needed to be free. When he was 17 he finally moved out with us into a friends house. We warned the parents but of course being the charmer that he was, they didn't believe us when we told him how he could turn on you. They finally saw the light when he pushed their daughter's head through a wall and he was arrested. We were able to get him into a mental health court because of his history. We refused to take him back into our home initially but a couple of weeks later, he'd charmed the judge (had the same one throughout the case) and she released him to us. Within the month, he'd convinced his grandmother to take him and I'd convinced my husband to let him go. I couldn't take it anymore. I was scared of him, our 7 year old was scared of him and his father was scared of him. We haven't seen him since and honestly I have nightmares that he's back here. He's 18 now and not taking his medicine. I feel bad for being happy that he's gone but our lives are improved without him. It's like we've started over as a family. No one should have to live in fear in their own home especially with small children. There needs to be big changes in how we deal with children with mental health issues. We can't wait for them to actually harm someone before it becomes a priority. I want you to know that there are others out there who have been where you are. I don't have any answers for you but I will pray for your family. Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
Im a stepmom to a 14 year old son that has been in and out of residential treatment centers since before he was 9 that I know of. He has threatened his Dad and been kicked out school a few times. He would get so angry he bang his head against the wall or whatever was in front of him. He would scratch himself til he bleed, he has huffed gas. He about bit a plug out of his principle arms a few years ago. He has faught teachers, children, His dad and others. He walked out infront a diesel and they had lock up their breaks and when asked why he did it , he said he wanted be dead. He beat animals and killed a few and act as if it wasnt nothing. He would destroy his toys or others property. He even fought the staff in the hospitals he was in and destroy their things. We have called juvenile and they said they couldnt do anything about him doing those things because he is mental.What is a parent or parents suppose to do to protect themselves or others if noone wants to really help these children that are this way? What are we as parents suppose to do? We been trying get answers too and noone has any. We have locked our gun up for scared what our son will do. Because his threats. What we suppose to do, wait til he hurts or kills someone? Thanks Vicky
Thank you so much for your honesty and giving people a glimpse into the nightmare that parents are dealing with out there. I used to work in a residential treatment center for teens and I've seen the dramatic mood swings from crying and missing their parents to wanting to kill themselves or their parents. I have had my heart broken upon hearing of former clients who killed themselves or put themselves in a situation that got them killed. Being quiet about it is not the answer and giving in to the moodswings will get yo nowhere. I really do hope you find something that helps Michael and allows your family to heal eventually. If nothing else, you are helping the world to understand teenage mental illness a little better. I have bipolar disorder myself and am lucky that I never successfully did myself in. It's a life-long struggle that challenges me each and every day. Hang in there!
I've been mentally ill for around 38 years now. It has been impossible for me to keep a job because of my mental illness, therefore I only had random periods of health insurance. Mental illness is not something that can be treated with random psychiatric visits. I have the scars across my wrist, the scars in my psyche and sometimes I wake up and wish that I could just die. I finally have insurance after suffering 2 years of unemployment, so 2 years of no insurance. My psychiatrist, although half my age, is very knowledgeable of the new medications and treatments to help the mentally ill. She has changed my life for the good. But, what happens if later I lose my insurance? I will go back down that spiral that makes me want to die, again...unless something is done to help the mentally ill.
I can relate to all of what you have posted here. I have a 10 year old son who has adhd, pdd nos, odd, bipolar and a mood disorder nos. It has been so hard to try and "keep hope" sometimes that he will go back to being that sweet people pleasing child that I miss so much. He has been hospitalized almost 20 times in the last two years. Once for trying to hang himself with the belt of his bath robe, once for trying to stab me to death with a pair of kitchen scissors, once for trying to strangle his 3 year old brother, once for trying to stab his dad in the face with a butcher knife and on and on and on. Our home is now basically completely locked down. We have had to install locks on all of our cupboards, lock all kitchen knives and sharps in a fire safe because we tried the tupperware and he broke that, we tried locking them in the car and he stole the keys.
He goes to a special school almost 45 mins away from home because he can't attend regular school. We have multiple specialists involved with his care because he also has many many medical problems and I am finding myself wondering more and more if they even know what they are doing. That is one of the worst feelings.
I don't have any answers other than to say keep your chin up and before you react to him and his behavior remember that this is your little boy, your child, the same boy that you have hopes and dreams for. Remain calm and remember that the gentler your approach can help him to remember that he doesn't need to be so violent to get something done. We have tried the whole tough love thing too and all it got me was sitting down asking myself " and how did that work for ya?" it didn't and it wont because all its doing is giving in to the power struggle and getting him a reaction for his negative behavior and thats the wrong way to go with him. He fails to see or respond to the positive feedback that he gets for being good, he solely focuses on that feeding against the negative behaviors. Honestly we ignore a LOT of things now because really as long as he isn't hurting himself, his brother, me, his dad, or his step dad then guess what? who cares? He has the right to express himself and if that means he calls me a bitch 300 times a day... so be it. This has been the ONLY approach we have taken with him that has actually gotten some good results, time outs don't work, spanking doesn't work and I don't believe in hitting kids, naps had some good results, chore charts, behavior charts, you name it we have done it and its exhausting. Just know that you are not alone in this and there are worse things than where you are at currently. I am sure that somewhere down the line there are families with kids like mine that are in a worse state than us. For those families my heart goes out to you. It's not easy.
I am Adam's mother too. Our sons' could be identical twins. The police know my address by heart. Again only if we can get him charged will we ever have hope of help. His psychiatrist fired him. I even tried to prosectue him myself for help. I was told that the police station had never seen that in 22 years of operation. Desperate mom's will do anything to help their children. I tried to get the police to read the IM's between my 13 year old and his drug dealer and "it was for another division". Transferred again and again. My house is destroyed with holes from his hitting. You cannot imagine a life like this. Going home is like going to hell.....
I feel for you. My son Michael sounds much like your child. Mine was in foster care and came to live me my wife and I at the age of 3 and a half. At age 6 we adopted Michael. We struggled with getting him help and therapy and went through the litany of medication after medication. Finally at age 15 I took him to an inpatient hospital one night where he spent the next 30 days until my private insurance stopped and his NH healthy Kids Gold (Medicaid) took over which meant he had to go to the State Hospital in NH. After 3 months there with doctors and meetings with us, the hospital decided that "irreparable harm" would happen to Michael if we did not take him home. I tried to fight it and was told by the head of the State hospital that if I did not pick him up on time I would be arrested for child abandonment. So we brought him home. Life went on. He lived with us during the week and my parents on the weekends. This gave us a break and him a break as well. He graduated from High School and the lived with my parent’s full time. Then on December 18th 2008 Michael took a hatchet to my father’s head and killed him in his sleep. He then set his house on fire and just started walking down the road. Hours later the police found him and we were called and told that my father was at the hospital dead. It was at that moment I knew the system had finally failed him and another life was lost because the medical community just wanted to get him out of a bed to make room for someone else. He is currently at the Maximum security wing of the NH State Hospital attached to the Prison. He was found not guilty by reason of temporary insanity. During the victim witness impact statements I read the letter I received from the state talking about the "irreparable harm" that would have happened to Michael if we did not pick him up from the hospital. I told the Judge that my father paid that price. I hope that the county figures out how best to help people with serious mental health issues and you get the help you deserve for a better outcome than mine.
I live with my most beloved husband, who is bipolar. When things are good, they are very, very good but when they are bad, they are horrid. Mentally ill children grow up. They become adults. They can make it in the world, but they still are mentally ill. When we married, I knew that my love had a volatile streak, but I didn't know then what it would look like 20 years (and 3 children) later. I love him, I stand by him, but I know how difficult the children of today who suffer, will find their lives in the future. My older two boys have some issues, but nothing like those of my husband. Knowing how mental illness does indeed run in families, I do not pray for grandchildren, rather the opposite.
Son resisting......governance by mother........mother's blog's name is.....
http://anarchistsoccermom.blogspot.com/
(At some level, war is fun. And nothing else in life quite lives up to that powerful chemical cocktail your body slams when you face death...)
"Anarchist".....Hmmmm. 3009 comments? Jeez, how many unique hits is that on the website? http://IamAdamLanzasUndiscoveredGenius.blogspot.com
The books! What were the names of the books?!.....
http://anarchistsoccermom.blogspot.com/
(A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books.)
Lemme guess---no, no, look, I'm pretty good at this----William Peter Blatt----no, no, wait....."Advertisements for Myself", Norman Mailer? umm, nah. Probably 'The Natural', Bernard Malamud.....but wow(gotta adjust the name of my blog) bannedchatter.blogspot.com
First. Thank You for sharing Your story. I have found it is always good to know You are not alone even though it might feel that way sometimes.
Second, i used to teach music to kids of all ages, one of whom was autistic and one of whom had ADD, so i am aware of the difficult circumstances many parents face as a result.
But i have also learned that for any challenge there is an answer (if we work together).
Since it very clear, based on Your story and my own experiences, that if positive change is to occur and the lives of our children protected then that change must come from US instead of from traditional governmental or even private institutions.
It is for this reason i am blogging You today. i live in the Chicago area and hear on a regular basis about children dying in our streets and in their very homes senselessly and have come to the conclusion that decisive action needs to be taken to end these deaths and tragedies in a much more proactive manner than has been the case so far.
i wish You to know that i am resolved to start a national movement focused on making our schools safe, getting proper treatment for Your son and others like him all over our country in a real, positive and permanent way.
i have not blogged much so if there is a way You can reply to this message i am hoping to reach out to you to join me to give all our children the fair chance for a full life that they all deserve.
Post a Comment