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| Michael holding a butterfly |
Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.
“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly
belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.
“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code
says black or khaki pants only.”
“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a
stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have
rights!”
“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone
affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re
grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I
will take you to school.”
I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he
terrifies me.
A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to
kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books.
His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and
locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael,
then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single
Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to
scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.
That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a
paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the
local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael
calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for
Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.
We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism
spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have
all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social
workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a
slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of
behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.
At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an
accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off
the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects
ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and
Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when
he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.
Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began
exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to
transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained
school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can
access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through
Friday until they turn 18.
The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to
argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem
remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look,
Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”
“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this
morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”
His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated
rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this
car right now and kill myself.”
That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he
ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital,
no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the
opposite lane, turning left instead of right.
“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where
are we going?”
“You know where we are going,” I replied.
“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re
sending me straight to hell!”
I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving
for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the
police,” I said. “Hurry.”
Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and
hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several
times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than
he is, but I won’t be for much longer.
The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and
kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled
my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—“Were there any difficulties with....at
what age did your child....were there any problems with...has your child ever
experienced...does your child have....”
At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a
position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you
have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No
individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.
For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the
whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to
check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon
as I get out of here.”
By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies
and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t
believe them anymore.
On the intake form, under the question, “What are your
expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”
And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my
own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for
grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.
I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I
am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am
Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their
mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy
to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.
According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders
involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. (http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map).
Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother
Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did).
But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many
people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.
When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he
said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If
he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the
only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to
you unless you’ve got charges.”
I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic
environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t
deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is
using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to
Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons
quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate
mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated
population. (http://www.hrw.org/news/2006/09/05/us-number-mentally-ill-prisons-quadrupled)
With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered,
prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County
Jail, and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment
centers in 2011 (http://www.npr.org/2011/09/04/140167676/nations-jails-struggle-with-mentally-ill-prisoners)
No one wants to send
a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection
to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken
healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another
tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten
classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”
I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a
meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way
our nation can ever truly heal.
God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
3,772 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 3001 – 3200 of 3772 Newer› Newest»Im a stepmom to a 14 year old son that has been in and out of residential treatment centers since before he was 9 that I know of. He has threatened his Dad and been kicked out school a few times. He would get so angry he bang his head against the wall or whatever was in front of him. He would scratch himself til he bleed, he has huffed gas. He about bit a plug out of his principle arms a few years ago. He has faught teachers, children, His dad and others. He walked out infront a diesel and they had lock up their breaks and when asked why he did it , he said he wanted be dead. He beat animals and killed a few and act as if it wasnt nothing. He would destroy his toys or others property. He even fought the staff in the hospitals he was in and destroy their things. We have called juvenile and they said they couldnt do anything about him doing those things because he is mental.What is a parent or parents suppose to do to protect themselves or others if noone wants to really help these children that are this way? What are we as parents suppose to do? We been trying get answers too and noone has any. We have locked our gun up for scared what our son will do. Because his threats. What we suppose to do, wait til he hurts or kills someone? Thanks Vicky
Thank you so much for your honesty and giving people a glimpse into the nightmare that parents are dealing with out there. I used to work in a residential treatment center for teens and I've seen the dramatic mood swings from crying and missing their parents to wanting to kill themselves or their parents. I have had my heart broken upon hearing of former clients who killed themselves or put themselves in a situation that got them killed. Being quiet about it is not the answer and giving in to the moodswings will get yo nowhere. I really do hope you find something that helps Michael and allows your family to heal eventually. If nothing else, you are helping the world to understand teenage mental illness a little better. I have bipolar disorder myself and am lucky that I never successfully did myself in. It's a life-long struggle that challenges me each and every day. Hang in there!
I've been mentally ill for around 38 years now. It has been impossible for me to keep a job because of my mental illness, therefore I only had random periods of health insurance. Mental illness is not something that can be treated with random psychiatric visits. I have the scars across my wrist, the scars in my psyche and sometimes I wake up and wish that I could just die. I finally have insurance after suffering 2 years of unemployment, so 2 years of no insurance. My psychiatrist, although half my age, is very knowledgeable of the new medications and treatments to help the mentally ill. She has changed my life for the good. But, what happens if later I lose my insurance? I will go back down that spiral that makes me want to die, again...unless something is done to help the mentally ill.
I can relate to all of what you have posted here. I have a 10 year old son who has adhd, pdd nos, odd, bipolar and a mood disorder nos. It has been so hard to try and "keep hope" sometimes that he will go back to being that sweet people pleasing child that I miss so much. He has been hospitalized almost 20 times in the last two years. Once for trying to hang himself with the belt of his bath robe, once for trying to stab me to death with a pair of kitchen scissors, once for trying to strangle his 3 year old brother, once for trying to stab his dad in the face with a butcher knife and on and on and on. Our home is now basically completely locked down. We have had to install locks on all of our cupboards, lock all kitchen knives and sharps in a fire safe because we tried the tupperware and he broke that, we tried locking them in the car and he stole the keys.
He goes to a special school almost 45 mins away from home because he can't attend regular school. We have multiple specialists involved with his care because he also has many many medical problems and I am finding myself wondering more and more if they even know what they are doing. That is one of the worst feelings.
I don't have any answers other than to say keep your chin up and before you react to him and his behavior remember that this is your little boy, your child, the same boy that you have hopes and dreams for. Remain calm and remember that the gentler your approach can help him to remember that he doesn't need to be so violent to get something done. We have tried the whole tough love thing too and all it got me was sitting down asking myself " and how did that work for ya?" it didn't and it wont because all its doing is giving in to the power struggle and getting him a reaction for his negative behavior and thats the wrong way to go with him. He fails to see or respond to the positive feedback that he gets for being good, he solely focuses on that feeding against the negative behaviors. Honestly we ignore a LOT of things now because really as long as he isn't hurting himself, his brother, me, his dad, or his step dad then guess what? who cares? He has the right to express himself and if that means he calls me a bitch 300 times a day... so be it. This has been the ONLY approach we have taken with him that has actually gotten some good results, time outs don't work, spanking doesn't work and I don't believe in hitting kids, naps had some good results, chore charts, behavior charts, you name it we have done it and its exhausting. Just know that you are not alone in this and there are worse things than where you are at currently. I am sure that somewhere down the line there are families with kids like mine that are in a worse state than us. For those families my heart goes out to you. It's not easy.
I am Adam's mother too. Our sons' could be identical twins. The police know my address by heart. Again only if we can get him charged will we ever have hope of help. His psychiatrist fired him. I even tried to prosectue him myself for help. I was told that the police station had never seen that in 22 years of operation. Desperate mom's will do anything to help their children. I tried to get the police to read the IM's between my 13 year old and his drug dealer and "it was for another division". Transferred again and again. My house is destroyed with holes from his hitting. You cannot imagine a life like this. Going home is like going to hell.....
I feel for you. My son Michael sounds much like your child. Mine was in foster care and came to live me my wife and I at the age of 3 and a half. At age 6 we adopted Michael. We struggled with getting him help and therapy and went through the litany of medication after medication. Finally at age 15 I took him to an inpatient hospital one night where he spent the next 30 days until my private insurance stopped and his NH healthy Kids Gold (Medicaid) took over which meant he had to go to the State Hospital in NH. After 3 months there with doctors and meetings with us, the hospital decided that "irreparable harm" would happen to Michael if we did not take him home. I tried to fight it and was told by the head of the State hospital that if I did not pick him up on time I would be arrested for child abandonment. So we brought him home. Life went on. He lived with us during the week and my parents on the weekends. This gave us a break and him a break as well. He graduated from High School and the lived with my parent’s full time. Then on December 18th 2008 Michael took a hatchet to my father’s head and killed him in his sleep. He then set his house on fire and just started walking down the road. Hours later the police found him and we were called and told that my father was at the hospital dead. It was at that moment I knew the system had finally failed him and another life was lost because the medical community just wanted to get him out of a bed to make room for someone else. He is currently at the Maximum security wing of the NH State Hospital attached to the Prison. He was found not guilty by reason of temporary insanity. During the victim witness impact statements I read the letter I received from the state talking about the "irreparable harm" that would have happened to Michael if we did not pick him up from the hospital. I told the Judge that my father paid that price. I hope that the county figures out how best to help people with serious mental health issues and you get the help you deserve for a better outcome than mine.
I live with my most beloved husband, who is bipolar. When things are good, they are very, very good but when they are bad, they are horrid. Mentally ill children grow up. They become adults. They can make it in the world, but they still are mentally ill. When we married, I knew that my love had a volatile streak, but I didn't know then what it would look like 20 years (and 3 children) later. I love him, I stand by him, but I know how difficult the children of today who suffer, will find their lives in the future. My older two boys have some issues, but nothing like those of my husband. Knowing how mental illness does indeed run in families, I do not pray for grandchildren, rather the opposite.
Son resisting......governance by mother........mother's blog's name is.....
http://anarchistsoccermom.blogspot.com/
(At some level, war is fun. And nothing else in life quite lives up to that powerful chemical cocktail your body slams when you face death...)
"Anarchist".....Hmmmm. 3009 comments? Jeez, how many unique hits is that on the website? http://IamAdamLanzasUndiscoveredGenius.blogspot.com
The books! What were the names of the books?!.....
http://anarchistsoccermom.blogspot.com/
(A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books.)
Lemme guess---no, no, look, I'm pretty good at this----William Peter Blatt----no, no, wait....."Advertisements for Myself", Norman Mailer? umm, nah. Probably 'The Natural', Bernard Malamud.....but wow(gotta adjust the name of my blog) bannedchatter.blogspot.com
First. Thank You for sharing Your story. I have found it is always good to know You are not alone even though it might feel that way sometimes.
Second, i used to teach music to kids of all ages, one of whom was autistic and one of whom had ADD, so i am aware of the difficult circumstances many parents face as a result.
But i have also learned that for any challenge there is an answer (if we work together).
Since it very clear, based on Your story and my own experiences, that if positive change is to occur and the lives of our children protected then that change must come from US instead of from traditional governmental or even private institutions.
It is for this reason i am blogging You today. i live in the Chicago area and hear on a regular basis about children dying in our streets and in their very homes senselessly and have come to the conclusion that decisive action needs to be taken to end these deaths and tragedies in a much more proactive manner than has been the case so far.
i wish You to know that i am resolved to start a national movement focused on making our schools safe, getting proper treatment for Your son and others like him all over our country in a real, positive and permanent way.
i have not blogged much so if there is a way You can reply to this message i am hoping to reach out to you to join me to give all our children the fair chance for a full life that they all deserve.
You know sometimes child born with such disorder is related to decisions we take in life. These days mom's delay pregnancy till late 30s n 40s. And there is link between late pregnancy n birth defects. Just imagine, is it child's fault if this happens?
I don't know about you. But since this blog became so popular and ppl. are debating about treating mentally ill kids. Let's stop n think if our decision in delaying pregnancy is responsible for this!
My home opinion: It's very bad to show the picture of your son. Nobody knows the faith of every one. Give a chance to your son please. He looks to be wise on the photography.
My home opinion: It's very bad to show the picture of your son. Nobody knows the faith of every one. Give a chance to your son please. He looks to be wise on the photography.
(from France)
Hi - I am so grateful to you for posting this. You have my deepest respect and sympathy. I have had experiences somewhat similar to this myself, someone so dear to me (not a child) who can get triggered by situations and flip into a completely different personality, become mean and hateful, and treat me as if it's all my fault. Then after this runs its course, completely reverse and become his usual amazing, sweet, caring wonderful self and have all sorts of remorse for the previous. It's nothing nearly as severe as your situation with your dear boy, and it doesn't feel nearly as unsafe. But there are enough commonalities that I feel like I can relate. I don't know how you come up with the strength to persevere through this but being a mom as well I know that we will do anything it takes. You are an eloquent writer and have completely taken us into your world. I have taken your message to heart as I see have many many others replying here. I am a changed person as a result, and will attempt to help you spread your story and open more ears. Many blessings to you...
Hi - I am so grateful to you for posting this. You have my deepest respect and sympathy. I have had experiences somewhat similar to this myself, someone so dear to me (not a child) who can get triggered by situations and flip into a completely different personality, become mean and hateful, and treat me as if it's all my fault. Then after this runs its course, completely reverse and become his usual amazing, sweet, caring wonderful self and have all sorts of remorse for the previous. It's nothing nearly as severe as your situation with your dear boy, and it doesn't feel nearly as unsafe. But there are enough commonalities that I feel like I can relate. I don't know how you come up with the strength to persevere through this but being a mom as well I know that we will do anything it takes. You are an eloquent writer and have completely taken us into your world. I have taken your message to heart as I see have many many others replying here. I am a changed person as a result, and will attempt to help you spread your story and open more ears. Many blessings to you...
We have to do something! There has to be a way to help these children. Please let us know what we can do.
I agree 100% I am currently taking a class on behavioral issues with school aged children: depression and mental illness obviously effects the majority in this generation. Many mental illnesses go unrecognised in children which in turn worsen their diagnosis and it's negative effects. School shootings have always been a problem in this country. So obviously something's wrong with the system! If every teacher were trained how to recognise a child may have a mental illness and how to use preventative measures to decrease antisocial behavior and increase communication: things would change. The first influence in a childs life is the parent, then peers/family, then teachers/school; pretty sure we can guide positive change into the school systems if we trained our teachers and staff to use preventative measures and teaching stratagies built around positive behavioral support, character education and social skills.
Your son sounds very much like my 16 year old nephew. He is Mensa intelligent... doctors are unsure of an exact dx, although they throw around Autism Spectrum Disorder, Asbergers, and Bipolar Disorder. He has been in and out of mental institutions and has been escorted away by police on numerous occasions. Finally, after a long journey, they found help for him at Silver Lake Center, located in Middletown, DE. He stayed there for almost a full year (residency program) and emerged a completely changed kid. He is now 16 years old and can look forward to a near normal life with endless possibilities. I'm not saying they could definitely help your son, but they certainly worked a miracle with my nephew! Feel free to contact me if you would like more information, and I can put you in touch with my sister who could tell you much more about the program! Good luck to you and your son! Kelly (kapsiuk@gmail.com)
We have to do something to help these children. You are not alone. Please let us know how we can help.
I am a mother of an ADHD with conduct disorder child. First and foremost, I Love my son, however I've been through years of hell and not knowing what to do because the system failed us. I couldn't get professional help for him until I had to call the police on him and he flipped out on an officer and went to jail. I would like to talk to you and share my experiences. If interested please feel free to contact me at peacefuldayz@Gmail.com
What do you think we, as citizens, can do to help this happen?
I work at an RTC in Utah. I have many students like your son. I wish I could do more. I know an RTC is very expensive. It is a hard spot to be in.
Liza,
Thank you so much for writing this. I am not alone. I'm watching you on CNN. We're on the cusp of seeking help for our 10 year old with undiagnosed rage issues. It gets scary. I feel strangely comforted by your post. I'm sorry you have to go through this...and I wish YOU were my neighbor.
Kirsten
Someone needs to hear us and do something to help instead of the if you don't talk about it it doesn't exist, because it does, more frequently than people care to admit, I would be more than happy to speak about my experiences. I just hope that the things I've been through could someday help at least one person.
". . . the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises."
Ms. Long please consider contacting research David Weatherly, author of "The Black Eyed Children".
I know you have tried everything in your power, but you have nothing to lose by contacting him.
Your son could have a simple spirit attachment that makes it difficult for him to control his emotions.
Usually, when a spirit attaches to an individual, there is a period in which the person is psychically attached every night in his or her sleep, with horrible horrible nightmares for several months (maybe less if the person gives in too early). During that time, the spirits weaken the person to the point that they subconsciously, finally, submit. Then the nightmares miraculously stop. However, years later their personality changes, gradually. Did/does your son experience this?
An expert spiritualist, e.g. Robert Bruce (author of "Practical Psychic Self Defense Handbook, The: A Survival Guide") might be able to help.
Robert Bruce has helped many children deal with spirit attachments (which were initially diagnosed as mental illnesses).
Some people really are mentally ill. However, some people do have spirit attachments by negative entities that feed off of their negative emotions.
Robert Bruce, spiritualist, can help. If not, you can find more spiritualists willing to help on www.coasttocoastam.com by browing their show archive.
One day, science will acknowledge that the spiritual word and scientific world must be healed simultaneously. That day of discovery is approaching. Hopefully, science will prove the spiritual realm does exist.
God bless you Ms. Long. Good luck.
I so feel your pain. I had a step son who was much like that. If I punished him for some misdeed, the punishment he doled out to me was far worse. He would break things, set things (and people) on fire, threatened us constantly. I lived in constant fear he would murder my daughter or the dogs (which were my achilles heel - thank god he never figured that out) But I was convinced I was raising the next Son of Sam. We tried getting him help and having him tested. Finally, he moved back in with his mother and out of my life, with the threat he would come back and kill me and his father when he was old enough to drive. Thankfully, that has not come to pass and he is in his 30s, but I still wonder if I will ever see him in the news because he finally snapped. You are NOT a bad parent. It sounds like you are doing everything possible. Maybe nutrition holds the key. I never went that route. Well, I sort of did - but he would steal money to buy his own brand of "junk food." Best of luck to you. I pray we all find the key to this problem that is becoming so monstrous before another child snaps. And I pray for you that you find the answer soon to find peace.
Have you ever checked into the GAPS Diet? It may sound a little off, but what do you have to lose?
Thanks
I've been looking at your on OutFront. I'm not sure what options you have already considered. From what I've watched in that interview, I believe you're extremely concerned about your family's current situation. Please accept my sympathy to the situation, and if you'd like, we might be able to start a longer conversation which, without any guarantee, might be able to help out with your beloved Michael. I've been a youth leader in church communities and have seen many similar cases where, while I strongly believe in them and hold deep respect to the professionals, often the system isn't the most effective solutions. The science behind human behaviorals, and various, especially, youth tendency and indicators, in my personal opinion, is yet to reach a sophisticated level.
how do we protect our mentally ill children from doing evil??? I don't think in a 'million years' that my son could do anything bad...but??? how do I know?? and what can I do to prevent this from happening??
You are a terrible parent. None of the things you child has done here has justified your callous disregard for his being. So he wants to wear the type of pants that he's not allowed to. So he acts out and says things in an attempt to get what he wants. You don't have the right to define your lack of control over him as a mental illness. Shame on you. Shame on you for giving your child mind-altering medication before his brain has fully developed. Your child is not mentally ill, your child is uncomfortable doing the things you are making him do, and instead of correcting yourself, you are doubling down on your oppression of his own personal identity. With regard to anyone here siding with the parent, I hope you seek help for your lack of parenting skills.
She is far from a terrible parent. I have met her and her son and she is right. I recognize so much of him in me. I too had periods of explosive anger. I dont know all of his history but I know mine.
I grew up being abused by my brothers. They would throw me down the stairs and claim that I had pulled a knife on them. I only did that once because I was tired of being pushed down the stairs.
In 2003 during a fluorscope spinal tap the doctor doing the tap found two spots in my back where vertebrae had been broken to the point i should of died. you see the c1 and c2 verterbrae were shattered. Not knowing how I did the doctor surmised that i was very lucky. That wasnt the only spot were this kind of damage was found.
I even did what every kid get told to do. I told someone that I thought I could trust but she told my parents that I 3was such an imaginative story teller
Now know this bit of my history, you can understand why I had periods where my anger exploded. No one was there to help me. Not even when I became an adult. I had to treat myself. I had to learn to identify my triggers and when they were triggered I had to learn to walk away.
I would spend hours away from having contact with people just so nothing would happen. I read every book inour small town library just to stay away from humans.
I so could of been like adam lanza and the others and I cant tell you why i didnt. In my mind I had every right to. Again I can tell you why I didnt. I dont think I will have an answer to that.
I now have a name for what I have to deal with so it helps in the battle.
Liza, your not alone and if your wondering where you know me reading group
My heart goes out to you. I know how it feels to have a mental illness, but I never threatened anyone in my life. I think you're a great mom who is caring for her child, by trying to give him help. At this age, my mom left in a bad way and thats when things got bad. I'm over it now. I never lashed outwardly in anyway and wont ever. I constantly tell myself everyday the rules of the 10 commandments, I think maybe your son needs to develop his own Morales of what right and wrong is, teach him about god, and maybe the bible as your last resort. I'm not much of a believer, but I believe in Morales and the 10 commandments. He also needs friends who can make him understand. I hope gets over this when growing up, and becomes a tribute to society with his high IQ.
I first want to say, your a great mom. Second, they dont always go to "jail" the mentally ill criminals can sometimes get into a mental hospital for free. My mom works at something like this. She mentions to me all the time about officers bringing in more mentally ill. Your right, things need to be done BEFORE things like this happen, before they hurt themselves or others.
And whoever said that he has ADHD needs to be kicked back to school. Ya dont act that way cause your ADHD. Or as people always correct me "Have" ADHD. (people and there technicalities). I am ADHD. I cant keep focused on anything that boors me, a little bouncy and very impulsive.
You ARE a great mother, and dont you ever think otherwise. Many parrents, even good ones, would pass what your going through off as a "phase" and deny they need help. Ignore it and just punish him and yell and scream and make things worse. You are going for help. My mom and dad had a dispute as to whether or not I needed to be medicated, and I am glad I got the help i needed while my dad still complains that I was on them when he did fine with it in school. Till hes older you can make him take meds yourself and keep trying to get things changed. Maybe by the time he gets old enough something may have changed to fix this. have hope.
While we can never make sure bad things never happen to our beloved, we can choose to learn more about positive behaviors and indicators to watch, so we can respond to what we observe in our children, rather than panic. After all there are families with healthily growing kids. In these cases often all of the kids from this family are thriving and prosperous. This could be a indication that parenthood can be mastered! Just like we can diminish the chances of falling off a cliff by not walking on it, we can learn to love, and support our kids; listening to what they're really expressing, and not living in denials or blindness. So that maybe we'll hear more beautiful stories of a thriving child, rather than tragic stories, and heartbroken parents.
my heart goes out to you and Michael... My son is now 21 and he is doing great. there are still some signs, he is not social, but he is so sweet and helpful. he is on a handful of medications and those meds are what keeps him stable. when he was 3 I started seeing things. I was told his behaviors were normal... when he was 7 the day of the Columbine sbooting he barricaded himself in his room with a butcher knife... finally someone listened... he was hospitalized for 3 days... sent home on meds... he was better, but still aggressive towards his little brother.... one day I saw my 5 yr old with a black eye.. he tried to hide it... his older brother did it and he didn't want him to get in trouble... I was tricked by Law enforcement.. my 8 yr old son was supposed to be committed for being a danger... instead he spent weekend in juvenile detention..... my 8 yr old... I was furious and devastated... the judge released him to the in patient facility - local mental health hospital... there I was told I needed paper trail.. etc..be was out on medications with no help... he was talking adult doses of seroquel and lithium... in that year he had 12 in patient admissions for mental health issues.... that was in Florida... I did parental classes, I did counseling for the entire family.... I had in home services... these people would show up 2x in a 6 month period and close our case because he was not making progress.... I was ready to give up... I loved my son so much, but I have 3 other children to worry about... I moved back to Michigan with my parents and Robby... I took my daughter and the baby with me.. I left my other son behind with my husband... it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.... it turned out to be the best move I could ever have done.... as I said in the beginning my Robby is now 21 and he is in his third year at a community college and is doing well. I found so much help here... agencies who actually care... it was not easy, but we did it... tough love and lots of heartache.. Robby is. ow studying social work.. he wants to help people like him...
unfortunately not all cases end up this way. there needs to be more help with mental health issues.... I think its a disability that you can't see so it doesn't exist...
I pray for your family and I hope and pray you can get the help your family needs....
my heart goes out to you and Michael... My son is now 21 and he is doing great. there are still some signs, he is not social, but he is so sweet and helpful. he is on a handful of medications and those meds are what keeps him stable. when he was 3 I started seeing things. I was told his behaviors were normal... when he was 7 the day of the Columbine sbooting he barricaded himself in his room with a butcher knife... finally someone listened... he was hospitalized for 3 days... sent home on meds... he was better, but still aggressive towards his little brother.... one day I saw my 5 yr old with a black eye.. he tried to hide it... his older brother did it and he didn't want him to get in trouble... I was tricked by Law enforcement.. my 8 yr old son was supposed to be committed for being a danger... instead he spent weekend in juvenile detention..... my 8 yr old... I was furious and devastated... the judge released him to the in patient facility - local mental health hospital... there I was told I needed paper trail.. etc..be was out on medications with no help... he was talking adult doses of seroquel and lithium... in that year he had 12 in patient admissions for mental health issues.... that was in Florida... I did parental classes, I did counseling for the entire family.... I had in home services... these people would show up 2x in a 6 month period and close our case because he was not making progress.... I was ready to give up... I loved my son so much, but I have 3 other children to worry about... I moved back to Michigan with my parents and Robby... I took my daughter and the baby with me.. I left my other son behind with my husband... it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.... it turned out to be the best move I could ever have done.... as I said in the beginning my Robby is now 21 and he is in his third year at a community college and is doing well. I found so much help here... agencies who actually care... it was not easy, but we did it... tough love and lots of heartache.. Robby is. ow studying social work.. he wants to help people like him...
unfortunately not all cases end up this way. there needs to be more help with mental health issues.... I think its a disability that you can't see so it doesn't exist...
I pray for your family and I hope and pray you can get the help your family needs....
Much love to you and your children, you brave, brave woman.
Really, you can infer his hatred of women from one line AND make a judgment call about where he learned the language?!? Incredible...
Macey, not everyone has had the experiences u have. Mental health is not cookie cutter. But, u have no right to tell a mother that she feels the way u have been treated in ur life. I am 40yrs old. I was just recently was diagnosed with ptsd, bipolar, manic depression. Do u think I blame my parents for not ever having me "diagnosed". Nope!!!! I'm sure Michael's mother loves her son for who he is....underneath everything she is going thru she loves him dearly. If she didn't love him why in the hell would she have sat and shared her story of her fight to get her son help. If she just sat and said oh well there's no help so whatever. Please dear slow down. I know ur mind just rolls and everything gets going up there. Its hard to stop it too. But my real concern is that ur medications are not the right dosage for u. Either be honest to ur doc so u can truly get the help u need. Under all the crap u gotta take care of u. But u can not blame her, blame ur parents. Us with these disorders it sometimes make it OK in our mind to blame some one any one else. I pray for all of the children, adults, and parents who are dealing with whatever form of mental health. It is hard for me as a adult, wife, and mother of a 12yr old to try sooo hard to always take my meds. I encourage u to please look up January read her story watch the shows chronicling her, and what her family endoures hourly. Not daily or weekly. Everything her parents do. Try to remember there is always someone that has it or is far worse off than. If u do that, u will see life in a different light. Maybe then u might show a little empathy or kindness to others. It is not their" fault" this is our world. Just suck it up and roll with it. I pray for u in hopes that u get the medical and psychological help u need.
Thanks for sharing your story. This nation need to have more compassion for mental illness and be loving to those in need.
My heart goes out to you as well. There are no easy answers and they will come only after long drawn out conversations and decisive action. After nearly 30 years working in this profession, over and over again I see the injustices endured not only by the mentally ill but by those who become victims of the mentally ill. While institutionalization is the answer for some, the "de-institutionalization" which happened some years ago has been a dismal failure. Not only did community based services never materialize according to planned, we now have far more mentally ill people than we had then. Mentally ill people have become "criminalized" for no other reason than some well intended idiot saying the system would take care of them. Nothing could be further from the truth.
You should consider using a natural herb, Kratom, as this may help calm him down and depress any aggressiveness.
well put. thanks for sharing your personal story and being so honest. both of my brothers have violent issues. one has anger management problem; another has some sort of mental problem. when he does not get feed by my mom (he is 29 yrs old, unemployed, high school dropped out) or in a bad mood, he'd create a lot of drama and threaten to harm my properties (e.g. computer) and me. he is sensitive to noise. when he hears it, he'd assume someone creates it purposefully to annoy or get him. your feedback is appreciated.
I read this blog on the deseret news and ksl. I thought I was reading my own story about my 14 yo son. My son was diagnosed with schitzhaphrenia,explosive disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, and ADHD. I am the same way that everytime that there is a shooting in a school or in public is that going to be my son. It is a scary situation and no one should live in fear especially of our own children. I think you starting this blog is a wonderful thing. You are letting us other moms and dads know we are not alone. Thank You
I feel so sad that you cannot get the mental health assistance you need for your son, and the same goes for many other parents of children with mentall illness that have commented here. Even more so, I find it almost incredulous that you cannot get him into a system that prevents him, in adulthood, from legally obtaining firearms.
You are brave beyond belief and a completely devoted mom. While I cannot imagine what you go through on a daily basis, I can tell you that sharing your experiences, gives me food for thought. You do what you must do in your life and I can only imagine how tough it must be. I want to thank you for taking the time to articulate what that looks like. My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you.
Try Kratom.
Try Kratom.
Try Kratom.
I wanted to add to my earlier post, that although it is common place to have my son in and out of Dr , counselor, and psychiatrist appts, lab work, and MRI's,over and over again, it is important to remember that inbetween these outbursts of rage, these are our little children, who laugh, and play, and have all the innocence of your children. So before you judge, think for just one moment how difficult it would be if this very second a police officer told you the very best thing for your baby would be to have him committed tonight, so he cant play baseball tomorrow, or cant celebrate christmas christmas, and you have to calm him while he cries because hes afraid they are going to kill him at the mental hospital because they scream all night and he has to sleep on the floor and all the kids have roommates.
Im not makes excuses for them, Im ust asking for you to understand why a young kid can be so afraid of going to a place like this, but also understand that when he is threatening to kill people in your homes or in his school that it can't be tolerated.
The problem is Mental Health facilities wont hold them unles they commit a crime, so they get turned loose within a day. So although my son said he would shoot up a school like sandy hook, the mental health hosp doesnt believe it! So theres your next shooter, walking the streets. Thats what Mr Obama needs to fix!!!!!
I didn't see anything about Micheal's father mentioned in the article. Is his Father around? Are you dealing with this by yourself?
Why don't you do some research into psychiatric drugs? Your kid may have issues but those drugs are NOT going to fix them. You probably would freak out if your son was smoking pot or shooting heroin but because his drug dealer has a fancy degree and wears a white coat, it's OK? Why do people blindly trust these doctors, who, like schools, get paid big bucks to push drugs on kids? Far be it from me to tell you how to raise your kid but perhaps regular exercise, homeschooling, removal of all non educational media (especially TV, movies and video games) and most importantly NO junk food and some discipline might also help. Modern society is not conducive to raising mentally healthy children, and I don't read your blog but does this kid have a father? Is he involved in his life at all? Or is he busy writing self-indulgent LOOK AT ME! posts on the internet too? I know if my mother splashed my business all over the internet I would probably be homicidal as well. It's not about YOU, lady. I know you desperately want it to be (and it shines through loud and clear) but it's not. So deal with it. I hope, for your son's sake he gets better. He, and all the other kids out there deserve better than spending their childhoods in prison, mental hospitals and cracked out on pills.
Oh here's a link about the drugs:
http://www.washingtonsblog.com/2012/12/are-the-new-generation-of-anti-depressant-medications-contributing-to-school-shootings.html
I just want to add my voice to the people who are telling you that you are a good mom who loves her boy. If you lived in my town, he woulld have been admitted to my unit. I know how you are struggling, and I know how loved he is, and how hard it is to find the help that you need. good luck in your journey
Thank you for what you've said.
You've inspired at least six of my friends to write their own stories. You're everywhere now.
They ask me, "how can I help?"
So I wrote my own.
I tell them only one thing - "When someone tells you what life is like, just listen. Don't tell me what I've done wrong, or right, or how I could have done better, or what to do next. Just listen."
Thank you for letting me listen.
You need to learn how to correct your child. A spanking in his earlier years might have helped. Now you must reap what you have sown.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is disgraceful that in this day and age, parents like you who are screaming out for help are ignored, and people like your son are allowed to fall through the cracks. Also, thank you for not making excuses for your son, for being honest about his problems and what you deal with in raising him. I have seen other parents in similar situations struggle to get the help their child and family and neighborhood and, ultimately, country needs. I am sure you will get some negative comments, but know that there are most likely a LOT more people who are sympathetic towards you, and feel empathy for your family's situation. Have you thought about writing a book and/or movie, going on a national show, lobbying for more help for mentally ill children and their families? You have a great talent that is expressed in the way you write, and a touching, interesting story to tell. Please share more with the world, and don't give up. Thank you.
I have a mom with neurosis. I have a husband with Asperger's that was not undiagnosed until he was almost 45. I have made great inroads in dealing with them where I was once at a lose most of the time. I had a close friend who has a child with Autism. She was eventually institutionalized by her mom. She became more and more belligerent and was often taken to the local ER to be sedated. She finally just gave up on living though and basically went comatose. The mom never seemed to consider her part in it. I can understand much but certainly not all of what you have been through and tried, which seems enormous. I would just like to stress that our approach to these children and adults who do not reposed to what we want them to do, can be a big part the problem. We can't force them into having what we think of as normal reactions and can't apply normal disciple of punishment and reward.
Of course there are cases where violence has no grounds or the brain is very damage. Yet damage can also come from taking a hard line with people along the spectrum and probably with all the mental challenges. Trying to maintain and enforce this hard line can often just escalate their resistance or create distrust in us. I would say that it is often a failure on our part, in understanding what is going in the minds the kid or person. These kids and people have desires, needs and opinions many of which might prove to be so unique to us so that we don’t always psychologically and emotionally get or accommodate them. And they often don’t have very sophisticated ways of trying to explain and assert themselves. Not allowing them to talk about and express their desires and frustrations, is brewing problems for all involved. We need to better explain to them what is happening for all involved, without shaming them.
We can first just ask what the kid needs and wants and why, not expecting and even demanding that they just tow our line because that is how it is. I don’t want to be disrespectful, naive or glib about the entire situation with this budding adolescent, but here is what I would have done with the pants incident. I probably would have had a talk about whether he thought the navy could pass as black if he did go ahead and wear them. Maybe even why the rules was so hard and fast, or stated that I also thought it was quite strict. We would have then talked about what might or could happen if he did ware them and they did not pass, like being sent to the office, me being called back in. We could talk about what would happen if he addressed the teachers and administrators in various ways, like calling any one a name. This way he can make a decision for himself now that he has thought about it more and understands some the ramifications. He may have just wanted to vent about the limitations. We might have even ended up talking about what a free country actually means. What are the limitations in such a society? Why this school is not as free as some others. We could have even found some humor in it. We could even have talked about if there is anything he might like to do to address the dress code, what we would be up against and if he thinks it is worth it. Now we are allowing him to have and use is own mind, dealing with him like he actually has one, all the while helping him along with critical thing and communication skills....What will feel like being shamed or controlled for little reason, will lead to his continual frustration and lack of trust in me.
And please, I don’t want to say this mom is wrong but I want to bring to light more understanding of the human behind the anger. We can help them with impulse control challenges but not by treating them as if they are just out of line without addressing their concerns and thoughts in a respectful way. We need to talk about the lines not just lay them. This is how we can help to bring out their brilliance, not belligerence.
Although I am quite appalled that you are using the massacre at Sandy Hook as an opportunity to say "look at me", I tried to follow what you were saying with fairness. You lost me when you started spouting sympathy for the parents of Keibold and Harris -- the Columbine shooters who "invented" the school shootings. Those kids didn't bother to hide their violent plans from their parents and their parents ignored all of it hoping it was just a phase. Other parents lost their precious children because these parents raised monsters and gave them access to their guns.
Not every child who turns out badly can be traced back to their parents. We all know this. But I deal with mentally ill people in crisis every day at work and I see how much of an impact the parents have in the way that children and adults ACT when they are having episodes. Too many times there are parents who tell a child when he lashes out that he cannot control himself and it is not his fault that he has these rages. They teach the violent child to see himself as a victim. What should always happen (and I can't tell whether you are doing this or not) is that violence against another human being should be strongly opposed and there should be consequences not excuses. It should never be tolerated or excused. The child who starts out hitting teachers and stabbing other children with pencils will escalate when the parent argues that he was provoked or cannot help himself. There has to be a line drawn for EVERYONE including children who suffer from mental disease. Just something I hope you will think about.
I wish you hadn't used your child's photograph . . . and yes while I totally totally sympathize with you for the trauma you live on a daily basis, I must admit that your entire article and recounting of the events show very little empathy and . . . well sensitivity for your child . . . is it because your spirit is tired with the travails? are you numbed by the process? do you feel like you just wanna get rid of this child? Its perfectly human to feel all these things . . . but its obvious that your child is sensing them too. Something is amiss here . . .maybe you need to work on yourself a little more. Try meditation, it really helps.
People like Michael, who possess EXTREME intelligence, NEED a channel for their mental energy. Without a channel, they quickly go into a psychological downward spiral. Normal people will never know the feeling and psychological chaos that results from not having a way to channel their mental power into something positive. Instead of focusing on providing corrections for negative behavior, focus on providing results/rewards for POSITIVE accomplishments, accomplishments and rewards that HE designs. He may only be 13 years old, but he could produce ideas that would change the world. Find his passions and let him focus on them. Do NOT force him to conform to the cookie-cutter expectations of the public school system. Typical schools are going to be a catalyst for downward spiral events. Also, this is NOT a disease you can "cure", do not attempt to "treat" it as one. Michael has a GIFT, which if channeled correctly, will bring wonderful fruit.
Your post deeply touched me and my heart goes out to you, your son and your family...
Your post was published in Belgian newspapers this morning and i saw it also on facebook so your message is heard in the entire world...
Thank you for sharing your story. My prayers are with you and your family.
People need to know your story and others like them. Then, they need to act to make a better mental health system.
I would like to thank you for sharing your story. I am helping to raise a 9 year old with severe ADHD and mental issues. We deal with anger a lot of the time and I fear for us both. I often feel if she was bigger and could she would hurt us both. Luckily we have mental health care in a psychiatrist but we still don't know what we are dealing with as far as a mental illness diagnosis.
The other day I posed a question "can a person be born with the inability to feel remorse"? If they are born this way that to me means their heart isn't connected to their brain. So if their heart can not feel the pain they cause other people can we teach their brains to feel the pain and hurt they just caused. It is something I am not working on with my little one. When she hurts me I say immediately "Do you know you just hurt my feelings? If you do it again I will know you meant to hurt my feelings." She is recognizing this statement now and I use it every time she hurts me.
I watch the children. The ones who are bullies. The ones with mental illnesses being pushed through the system with parents desperately seeking help with no where to turn. Yes we need better security for our kids in school but we have got to start caring for our mentally ill better.
Because of you I am not so afraid to share my story. I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being brave enough to say what so many of us are thinking.
Before ANY weapons permit is issued for reasons other than jobs that require them, a very thorough psychological background check must be made.
In this latest case why were the weapons not locked away?
More public debate on the fundamental reasons for our extreme weapon mentality. Believe me it was not always like this. We have gone from fearing attacks from the outside world to a fear of each other. This 'right' to bear arms is really a fear of not doing so. What has created this mindset?
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
I pray for you and your family and all others affected by mental illness. I also pray that our communities can build better mental health systems that have places that care for people like your son. And, these systems also need places that care for you and other family members.
I hope you are able to find effective treatment for your son that helps him to recover and stay well. I also hope you have the day-to-day support your need to cope with his symptoms and your own pain.
It is like you are describing my son. Several different diagnosis and a suicide attempt by the age of 7. Violence that no one can comprehend unless they themselves have experienced it. Seeking out all the "Best" medical professionals and losing everything because you still, to this day owe hundreds of thousands of dollars. Losing every place you have lived, evictions, because your child would threaten the safety and lives of others in a complex. Fearing everyday that your child is going to severely hurt or kill a sibling, teacher, principal or fellow student and, when it comes down to it, no one there who really wants to listen. It can only be the parent's fault..So many who wish to place blame, usually on the parent, for that they do not understand. It is NOT about the ability to "control" your child. I finally had to lock myself in a room with my newborn and call the "Battered Womens" hotline who then in turn contacted the department of Childrens services who was supposed to come help me but came with the attitude that it must be my fault...
My son walked in behind her and told her that he would "hurt whomever chose to blame me for his behavior". He had just verbally threatened his school pricinpal, etc. Somehow, it was still my fault...Mental health Svcs. failed both myself and my son...Most of these people do not even have children let alone have ever experienced someone with my son's tendencies. He was taken as he became a threat to myself, his younger siblings and the rest of the family. Children's services admitted to not having ever had the experience with a situation such as ours and, thank God for the social worker we ended up having who ultimately ended up fighting for me...Children and Family services are not typically there for the family and I have seen many mistakes...
He was kicked out of the system because they could not "Control" him, his host families had all experienced severe problems...Last diagnosis...Asperger's Syndrome, OCD, possible personality disorder...
bassopotamus...thank you for all you do for some of these kids like ours, please stay safe and maybe feedback such as yours, coming from fosters who are experiencing that which the parents have experienced, may help the system in some way... It is very broken...It needs help
Well said!!! This article is offensive. Yes I feel for the mother, but this blog is causing more harm then good. You are giving all special needs kids a bad name. There is a well written article on the CNN website. Please be responsible when blogging. Because you are having trouble wirh your child, dont label other innocent kids as mass murders.
There is a gap in our mental health resources. Our state's medicaid pays for round the clock supervised residential only if they meet extreme criteria - it leaves thousands of sick people without appropriate services.
I have a boy in his twenties who is both developmentally disabled and mentally ill. He sits in jail after six people pressed assault charges on him. He will not have a home if he gets released.
Our family has done everything possible: meds, counseling, education, support groups, work training, etc. We are afraid of him and cannot control he wants to leave and stalk, harass, or assault people in our community. What are we supposed to do?
I mean as humanity?
Hi Anarchist soccer mom. These are my thoughts after reading your blog. I think your reaching out is a good thing to do. It sounds like there is uncertainty surrounding a possible diagnosis - you need a proper diagnosis (if there is one to get); a second opinion if necessary. Did the behaviors start after a significant event in his life? Is it possible he is acting out in reaction to something? Is it to get attention, to express himself or to just be defiant? If it's one of these things, why does he feel he needs to get attention or be defiant in that way? You may want to look into Borderline Personality Disorder if you have not done so already. Reaching out could get you some information that may not have been considered. Don't give up.
First, Kudos for making your plea to a better mental health system by writing this article - Next, listen to what Diana (hope I have the name right) has told you regarding taking your article from the net with your son picture. you may be under a lot of stress and chock now with your incident and the Connecticut tragedy. Please rethink what you have shared with the world and read all the advices given. It is not easy to have a knife pullled at you by your own son and it is not easy to keep your temper but you need to be stronger and let your motherly love rule these moments and just listen to his turmoil. it is not easy to try to change your approach to raise your difficult and genius son but it is worth trying. Peace and Strength to you with my sincere good wishes.
I still live with a brother who has an unspecified violent mental disorder, and I can tell you from experience that not sending him away is one of the worst forms of cruelty that you can inflict on your other children. Are you really going to force them to grow up with someone like that, someone who could very well never get anywhere in life? Are you honestly telling me that you're willing to sacrifice your other childrens' peace of mind and safety for the sake of your mentally ill son, thereby making them less well-adapted as adults? Is that honestly what you're saying?
But then again, I guess it's easier to push them to the wayside and not think about the psychological trauma you're setting them up for by keeping this boy. That makes it feel like you're doing the right thing, right?
An interesting thing I noticed is your reasons for not wanting him jailed. "Oh, the environment would be horrible for him!"
Tell me something. Do you think the environment for your other children will be GOOD if they have to grow up around someone who may snap and attack them at any moment?
I think not.
But then again, I'm getting the distinct impression that that doesn't really matter.
Liza Long, I have heard about your son, Michael's story. I understand your emotions as his mother, and al I can think of is how can I be of help. It has occurred to me that this issue is beyond the guns, the knives or the other dangerous weapons, its about the mental illnesses.
After observing the nature of this mental illness it has dawned on me, that this is none other than a demonic spirit. However, I believe that the gospel of Christ's salvation is the power of God onto salvation. This gowpel in the bible days has cast out evil spirits from possessed being in the bible days, and I have seen it cast our demons in recent days, weeks , and months.
However, I will like to send you a copy of a daily devotional that has been proven worldwide to help bring sanity to the mentally ill, health to the sick, and strength to the weak. It is called the "Rhapsody of Realities Daily Devotional" If I get a mailing address, I will send you the devotional immediately in the mail. If you prefer an electronic copy, I will send it to you once I get an email I can reach you on. Please feel free to send me an email on: yemisieros@yahoo.com. I have a solution, and it is the gospel!
Thank you
You and your family are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing.
Caliph Jackson
Unfortunately there is no distinction in the public eye between mental illness and violence. We need to recognize that not all people with a mental illness have violent tendencies. We also need to recognize that as a society, we must provide services for families in your situation so that violence will not continue. With appropriate help/services even people with the most severe diagnoses can recover. But the key is finding and funding those services. Good luck! My heart is with you.
You and your family are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing.
Caliph Jackson
I think what it is a spoiled little boy acting out. If i were you I never once heard you say that you disaplined him. Taking something away its the answer you need to take a wooden spoon or spamk him thats why he does what he does he doesnt fear you. I hate the fact that parents think that time out or taking toys away is going to hurt a spoiled kids feelings you are wrong. The answer to parents now days is oh he is ill or he needs meds I think not he needs a butt whooping. I am a pharmacy technician and the meds make the kids worse in some cases. Parents need to wake up and spank thier kids. Who cares it is your kid sticking them in a cornor what does that do what does that cornor teach them. It teaches them that thier is no action being taken that will teach them rules WAKE UP AMERICA......
You and your family are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing.
Caliph Jackson
Please Understand. These problems are caused by Vaccinations given to your child as an infant and/or as a young child. These vaccinations contain Mercury and other known poisons! Mercury solves problems with vaccinations staying in the body. Most kids don't endup with a problem, but many do. This is compounded by the fact that they now combine several Vaccinations in just one shot. It's like giving your newborn an overdose of poisons. Your only hope is not more drugs that add more poisons!! It's a Vegan, Organic Diet with a Vitamin and Mineral Supplement. It's Detoxing their body of the poisons that the Pharmaceutical industry has added!!! You've tried it their way and it only poisoned your child more. Please try with High levels of nutrition and detox. Please if anyone has a Newborn or is expecting, Know the ingredients of the Vaccines that these doctors want to put directly in the bloodstream of your child. God Bless
This is my life...and my son is 13 years old. I feel your pain and wonder how the rest of our lives and our future is going to be like. It sounds like your son is higher functioning than my son. Currently, I have two aides working with my son and we have 5 other kids. I have 2 kids that are his siblings and 3 step daughters, and a fantastic husband and we just married a year ago. I understand the tantrums and the outbursts...he becomes out of control. We live in a small town in Texas and have no place for him locally. I understand Adam Lanzas mother...her love and her fears were endless. I feel Helpless...I too dont know whats to come. Thank you for posting and you did a great interview on CNN.
Thank you for such a heartwrenching and honest post.
You have helped me understand the other dimension to the problem. Though I cannot undermine the magnitude of gun impact in the US, I totally understand and appreciate the growing concern about the right way of treating mental illness for kids. May I suggest you start a petition with say, change.org and gather some momentum about this issue. May be some someone can help you propel your appeal and get you some attention.
Good luck.
What can e parent do when love and affection is no longer enough? I cannot pretend to understand the circumstances in your life or in America in general, but I wish you luck in the future.
Thank you for your honesty. You are also my son's mother. We need the same consideration for mental health issues for our youth here in Australia. Thankfully our gun laws are stricter here, but my fears are still real.
I know the frustration when a child has a psychotic break and not know what to do about it. My son was diagnosed paranoid schyzophrenic. He had his break at 20, just before his 21st birthday whil stationed at Ft. Bragg, NC. I found out he was ill on a Friday afternoon and he was being generally discharged on Monday. I called my priest who was an Army chaplain and he told me to contact the base chaplain. I did and he had my son airlifted toEisenhower Medical Center at Ft. Gordon, GA. He was discharged from the hospital and it took me a while to understand what happened. I contacted The National Alliance for Mental Illness. They referred me to a support group and I learned information that made me understand the mental illness, when and how they usually occur according to gender and avenues available. It took me 2 years to convice my son to go to the VA and get on medication. He was off and on his medication for 11 years. Now e is on his medication and has been for 17 years straight. Mental illness like schyzophrenia is a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes audio and visual hallucinations that are as real to the person who is ill as it is as real to you who is reading this. Without proper diagnosis and medications, they are prey to anyone in public if homeless and a constant concern and frustration when living with a parent. Medication is necessary as there is no cure yet. With medication, he functions normally, except for an anxiety for driving outside his comfort zone of a familiar area around home. Hee is resposible, polite, courteous and loves sports and family. Before he went on his medication and stayed on them, he was erratic, confused, angry, and hallucinating. Wat really angered me, was that witout my son consenting, there was no way of getting him to take medication. It took 2 years to get him to trust me enough to start taking medications and the years he was off and on his medications were a constant hell for him and for me, as I felt so helpless with no recourse. So, I understand the frustration of Linda Long and any parent, grandparent, sibling or any family member trying to take care of a loved one without the support of legal avenues to hospitalize them, get them properly observed, diagnosed and begin medication and psychiatric help. Dr. Gupta on CNN is 100% correct when he said the mentally ill need to be treated in preventive measures just as a physical illness, because in reality, it is a physical illness. Schyzophenia is a chemical imbalance of the brain. Therefore is physical. Just as any other physical problem gets preventive care and attention, so should the mentally ill. Because at the base of their illness, is a physical problem that causes it.
I'm fortunate enough both to have three children without developmental / behavioural issues; and to be raising them in New Zealand, a country with sane gun control laws.
I feel for you deeply, and am very moved by your brave and remarkable article.
There is a Maori phrase, kia kaha - which means, approximately, "be brave, be strong, stand up". I hope this is a very apt salutation to send to you, with your personal mountain to climb every day - and to your wounded, grieving country.
"You’re grounded from electronics for the rest of the day"
... THIS is PUNISHMENT???? What the hell are you people thinking???? This is WHY this bullshot happens all the time. Parents are not being parents. Calling my mother a stupid bitch would have been met with a swift slap. nd I assure you, it never would have happend a 2nd time. Of course, WE were raised with the proper parenting that made sure it never even happened a FIRST time!
Quite blaming everything on made up "syndromes" and "conditions", stop shoving pills down kid's throats, and start being PARENTS!
Liza, your son is not the problem. You are the problem. You and all those who support or defend your actions in posting this blog and raising your son the way you are are the root cause of everything that is wrong with America today. Not guns, not drugs, and certainly not "mentally ill" children. You, much like many others are in such denial of your failures as parents that you choose to label, degrade and suffocate your children all for the sake of protecting your own reputation as "good parents" and making others feel sorry for you when they should be publicly shaming you.
In the old days, if you marched to the beat of your own drum and disliked society's definition of "normal", the only label you`d be given was something like "rebel", and often times you may even be highly respected for this. Nowadays, going against the grain in any way results in you being told you have "Oppositional Defiant Disorder", Asperger's, ADHD, OCD and everything else in the book, and if you can't be labeled with a specific "disorder", you are simply called "mentally ill". Being a genius is not a mental illness. Knowing when your parents are doing the wrong thing for you, or having a better understanding than others of when the wrong thing is being done in general - is not a mental illness. A good 90% of those diagnosed with a so called mental illness are misdiagnoses. The lists of symptoms that are required to qualify a child for diagnosis are being watered down more and more each year, making it easier and easier for these diagnoses to be made. More and more innocent and often genius children being branded with these labels which will lead to them being stigmatized and judged for the rest of their lives, and the fact that they can be given these life-altering diagnoses as young as 4 years old is absolutely sickening. Even more sickening is the thought that there are little boys or girls out there who could have the potential to one day grow up and discover the cure for cancer, end the world's economic crisis, bring world peace etc. who will never get to live up to their amazing potential because of the stigma and callous judgement brought on by these labels and withdrawl from society that follows.
The trouble we have in our society today (for the youth in particular) is too many idiots being put in positions of power to control their lives. I am talking about the so called mental health "professionals" who have little to no ability to understand why certain kids (and adults too) don`t conform to the social "norms" set out by society because they have absolutely no personal experience with the issues, cannot relate and therefore cannot understand their causes in any way, shape or form. For example we have folks whos biggest down moment through all of high school was probably breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, or perhaps getting drunk and doing something stupid, who are allowed to take psychology courses in college (where they continue their spoiled, problem free party animal lifestyle) simply because they received adequate marks in math, english, science and history class or memorized a book about psychology written by someone else with only a slightly better understanding of the issues than themselves (if any at all). It's as ridiculous as letting someone become an NFL football player because they watch football on TV and know how to ride a bike without training wheels. These people are given the power to brand our children with life-altering diagnoses, forever ending their chances of realizing their full potential in life.
In addition to these idiots, we then have the idiot parents such as Liza Long who also have zero knowledge on the issues behind so called mental "disorders" and rely on the previously described group of idiots for "expert" advice and then obey them to such extremes as if they were given an order by God himself. Genius kids such as "Michael" are then suffocated by these overbearing parents and ultimately are unable to realize the great accoplishments they could have made in the world simply because of their parents ignorance and egotism. And while every kid is different, ones like Adam Lanza and some of the others mentioned in Liza's post are an example of just how awful the consequences can sometimes be in this type of situation.
Do you have any idea what great things your "Michael" could do with his life if you allowed him to grow up unobstructed and branded by society's stigmatizing labels for so called mental illness? he may be a "genius" as you say, but that won't mean a damn thing if you keep doing what you're doing and trying to convince him he is "wrong" for having a different outlook on certain things in life and needs to change who he is. I saw your interview with Erin Burnett earlier today and heard you mention how he is normally such a nice boy 97% of the time but can suddenly turn into a monster without warning in the other 3%... I call BS on this as well. I think he probably does give you plenty of warning and you just choose not to see it because doing so would make you unable to shirk responsibility as much as you`d like and pull out of the fantasyland you live in where you are the victim.
Have you ever sat down with your son and asked him what makes him so angry or what it is that he actually wants? maybe he just wants to stop being treated as if he is such a burden on you and your family. Maybe he simply knows what is best for himself better than you do and just needs you to accept that in order for him to live life to his full potential. And if you have asked him questions such as these, have you actually listened to his answers, taken them seriously and done your best to accomodate him? or have you just "analyzed" his answers in your mind and then called a psychiatrist or consulted a medical handbook or website of some sort, looked for a symptom or label to attatch to his feelings and then taken whatever course of action was advised for the description of said symptom?
To all of the "Michael"s out there who may read this: Don't ever let your parents tell you that you're "mentally ill" because you don't meet their definition of normal, never let them tell you that they know what's best for you better than you do, never let them tell you you're wrong simply because you're the child, and never let them tell you that you need "help" or need to be "fixed" when you rebel against them for any of the above reasons.
Liza, you may well be Adam Lanza's mother, but your son is not Adam Lanza unless you want him to be. If you are worried about your son becoming Adam Lanza, stop being Adam Lanza's mother.
I have suffered with manic depression and my son himself as had mental health issues. He was diagnosed with AD. He did strange things as a small kid would lie and believe the lie was true. As a teen he started isolating himself from the world then got into drugs. I tried rehabs but was told unless he is willing to be admitted that they could not force him against his will. He would be considered high risk runaway. He had a temper my stuff got broke all the time he yelled and through tantrums never physically hurt me tho. I called the law on him because we had been fighting about goiing to school he jumped out of my car doing 50 mph. Cops said that they were not my babysitter. He wasn't seriously injured just had a little road rash on his back side. I would be sleeping and he would take off in the middle of the night. I would get a knock at the door from a cop. They would get upset that I couldn't keep him at home I said I have to sleep, I have to work! I tried the local mental health clinic but he had refused to go back I couldn't get him to go to school what made them think he would be willing to go to Mental Health. I remember the cops had a fund raiser for kids on drugs and came to my place of employment asking for donations I got so upset and said cops are not babysitters and my problems with my son including drugs reflects upon my parenting. I wanted to scream what a bogus charity! My son is older and drug free his moods are much better but he still seems to suffer from anxiety and depression. I see him struggling everyday to be better yet feel a sense of boredom and hopelesnes. All those people judging you have no idea what you are going through. Your scared, tired and constantly worried. Mental Illness is very serious. My prayers go out to you and your family.
As much as I sympathise with your unfortunate situation I think it is ignorant to compare yourself to the mothers of the various mass murderers you mentioned. Nobody, besides those directly involved with those perpetrators will ever know their exact behaviour, and I think it is safe to assume you did not personally know Adam Lanza, or any of the other perpetrators mentioned. Mental illness is a horrible thing, and I agree the problem needs to be addressed in order to reduce the social stigma. However, I do not approve of your public condemnation of your own son. There is an enormous amount of young people who suffer from mental illness such as your son with violent behaviour who do not resort to mass murder. You have now tainted the innocent image of your son in favour of public support for yourself. Your son is in clear need of mental help but that should be a private experience that his friends at school cannot read about on the internet.
It's difficult to take your reply seriously when you use 'bearded-weirdo left-wing psychologists' as part of your argument.
I don't mean to pry, but Michael's behavior seems very similar to what I experienced with my own father about 7-8 years ago. And it wasn't a psychological issue, it was medical.
He got a fungal infection in his saliva glands which is believed to also have caused hyper-insulinoma, around 2004-2005, which is basically too high insulin instead of too low like people with diabetes. Due to this my father ended up aggravating himself without even realizing it. Adrenaline decreases insulin levels, so he was constantly walking around just about to explode. And the toxins released by the fungal infection can supposedly have far-reaching effects even on the human psyche.
On good days (or moments) he was himself, kind, generous and one of the most intelligent people I've ever known. But on bad days, or if you even just annoyed him by disagreeing about something, he would blow up. That means massive arguments which at times led to him physically smashing and destroying anything that came in the way, including furniture, and on one occasion the fridge door.
It took over 5 years before the doctors (in various countries) could figure it out. But by that point things had gone so far I had stopped speaking to him unless forced to.
But during those years though I came across multiple research papers which suggested that a lot of violent criminals might simply have too high adrenaline causing them to burst out violently when aggravated. I also came across research papers about the effects of fungal toxins, linking them to a wide range of mental disorders, and providing proof that there are people in mental hospitals who simply needed a anti-fungal treatment.
But lets get back to Michael. I'm not saying he specifically has insulinoma, or a fungal infection, but if it's something that hasn't been looked into, I believe it's worth a look.
The diagnoses began at three given by teachers mostly and then pediatrician psychiatrists. But I refused to have my son labelled by anyone or diagnosed and medicated or anything like that by strangers. So we homeschooled, and prayed, and joined scouting, and spent the extra time outdoors, and let him grow into the quirky and generally happy and at ease with himself young man he is today. We're not in the same boat but maybe a bit of common ground between Macey and the author is doing whatever it takes to raise them but refusing to let anyone define them. Anyway, my two cents.
It's as if you wrote this for me personally. Thank you.
i know what your son is dealing with...i can help you get the help he truly needs and ways too even help you get him calmed down faster and under control...
Ill keep you in my thoughts an prayers...
I CAN TRULY HELP...
GOD BLESS I LIVE WITH THE SAME SYMPTOMS STILL TODAY BUT LIVE A PRETTY NORMAL UP BEAT LIFE...
its not mental illness our society things everything is a mental illness and if he is a genius he truly is not that at all...mentally ill is over played and over charged in our world...he knows what he is doing is wrong by his out burts believe me i did too my parents as well..he just needs too be talked too and open up what really is bothering him...and he may have a medical condition called insulinoma, or a fungal infection as the young man Jimeh shared his story its a very common illness in young and adults...but goes unnoticed and he may also lack sleep insonmina that can affect the out burts as well...Don't give in too the whole he's mentally ill it will harm the young man for the rest of his life...he is intelligent his out burst of anger and saying he will kill himself and knife thing is apart of the anger he is dealing with caused by like i said either a medical condition or a draumatic episode he seen in his life or has witnessed in his life...and he hasn;t dealt with it...again I can relate big time and am here too help like others are..I fought my mental illness diagnosed and glad i did...or i would be a zombie like most of my dear friends that are, that say they can;t work and so much more...i own my own business and doing very well for myself but i did my research on my own and thank god i did...good luck
s11946 why dont you post your picture and qualifications for judging Liza and her son. It is judgemental people like you and Henry Smith that create the stigma around mental illness.
There has been a link discovered between intelligence and what they call the schitzo gene. While the outbursts are frightening, you FEAR your son. Why? You admit to loving him, but THREATEN him by sending him to a place he doesn't like because of FEAR. There are other approaches you can take. Please research the history of mental treatment--they used to lobotomize patients (who were forced there from fear). Think about it--what other places do them today? Yesterday's good becomes tomorrow's evil, unless all things are done with LOVE.
While reading this I began to cry. Not only for the situation you go through but for the fact that maybe I am not alone after all. My son is now 21 and only gets worse. I am afraid he will go on a killing rampage. But since he can appear so sweet and caring to some others, no one will help. His fits are worse almost every day. I see his eyes go from a sparkle to something that horror movies derive from. Please, someone help before he kills a lot of people. Himself and I included. The police won't help, Social Services won't help, the Dr.'s won't help. I am sick myself and growing weaker. But I push on not for me, but to try to protect innocence from being harmed in his wrath. I look at him and see the little baby I held. Then I blink and see the monster he has grown to be.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you so much. To know I am not alone is a wonderful but disheartening feeling. God bless you and "Michael" from one tortured mom to another.
I am the parent of a 17 year old, soon to be 18 year old Mentally Ill child. He suffers from Asperger's, Bipolar 1 Disorder, Intermitent Explosive Disorder and Opositional Defiance Disoder. He too is in Residential Care, for now. Once he turns 18 in January, he will be released because he will have aged out. I can not have him home, because of his 3 sisters who are 6 years old.
My son started to become verbally abusive and violent at a young age because of these issues. It got so bad that I had to take whatever means possible to get him removed from our home not only to protect him, but our family as well. If you would like to know more, you can read my post from my family blog on a recent update I wrote following this horrific shooting in Connecticut. My wife and I are also parents that live in fear of our son. www.thefeltonfamily1.blogspot.com Please read this and know that you are NOT alone. There are more of us out there who share these same fears.
http://www.eqi.org/pare.htm
Here are what might be called the top ten emotional needs, in alphabetical order:
1 Accepted
2 Believed in
3 Cared about
4 Forgiven
5 Loved
6 Safe
7 Supported
8 Trusted
9 Understood
10 Valued
I once talked to a teenager who had gone through a drug treatment program. There they told her that every child needs to feel two main things: safe and significant. I have thought about those two words often since then.
I started trying to organize my own list of emotional needs under those two main categories and this is what I came up with:
Safe -- accepted, secure
Under accepted I include: acknowledged, respected, admired, approved of, included
Under secure I would add not feeling judged, criticized, interrogated, laughed at, mocked, negated, or invalidated
Significant -- important - appreciated, worthwhile, heard, respected, helpful, useful, needed, valued, trusted, worthy, loved
Under loved I include cared about, nurtured, admired, supported, understood, reassured
This still left certain feelings from my list unaccounted for. So I wondered if once the emotional foundation has been set by establishing the feelings listed above, a child might then be ready to move towards filling his higher emotional needs which might be thought of as the need to feel free and fulfilled, as detailed below:
Free --independent, in control, private
(The feeling of privacy doesn't seem to fit perfectly under the feeling of freedom, but there I leave it there because I believe it is an important emotional need at times, and a child needs to feel free to have his own private thoughts and free to go to a private place when he/she needs to be alone.)
Fulfilled - challenged, creative, motivated, responsible, productive, accomplished, successful
By studying this list parents can come up with their own ways for helping a child meet these various emotional needs on a day to day basis. Just being aware that these needs are all important to children for their emotional health is probably a good start. In the next section I offer a few ideas to help this process along.
Some Questions for Parents
How do you want your children to feel? How do you create those feelings?
What if you could not hit, hurt, threaten or punish your children or teenagers?
What if they had the power to put you in jail, evict you from your homes?
What if they were legally free to leave home at 12 and they had safe places they could go?
What if you could not do anything to them that you could not do to a police officer? Such as threaten, bribe, use force...
http://www.eqi.org/respect.htm
On Punishment, Power, Fear -
Parents who use punishment, threats, force, anger, disapproval, judgement and control create feelings of:
fear, resentment, powerlessness, anger, defensiveness, insecurity
Restitution rebuilds self-esteem; punishment pulverizes self-esteem.
Fear kills learning and creates dependency.
On Labeling
Label feelings not children.
Labels stick. Labels blind us. Labels lock us into stereotypes. Labels limit our potential.
Avoid labeling your child as:
Antagonistic, Arrogant, Born loser, Bossy, Brat, Clumsy, Klutz, Crabby, Cranky, Crybaby, Defiant, Dodo, Drama Queen, Dramatic, Dunce, Egotistical, Finicky, Fool, Good-for-nothing, Greedy, Grouchy, Grumpy, Hellion, Holly Terror, Hot-tempered, Hothead, Idiot, Immature, Ingrate, Lame-brain, Lazy, Lazy-bones, Loser, Mean, Melodramatic, Moody, Monster, Moron, Nitwit, Obnoxious, Ornery, Pain, Pain-in-the neck, Pest, Picky, Pushy, Prude, Rebellious, Rude, Sassy, Sinner, Sissy, Scatter-brain, Self-centered, Selfish, Slob, Sloppy, Smart-aleck, Sore-loser, Spoiled , Stubborn, Too sensitive, Terror, "Too" anything, Troublemaker, Wallflower, Whiner, Worry-wart
Avoid expressions like:
Threw a fit, threw a tantrum, fell apart, made a scene, lost his temper, blew up
Where Respect Comes From
Real respect is something that is earned. One earns another's respect by voluntarily doing the things mentioned above, such as taking that person's feelings, needs and thoughts into consideration.
Respect seems to be like a boomerang in the sense that you must send it out before it will come back to you. Respect cannot be demanded or forced, though sometimes people mistakenly believe that it can, as I discuss below.
Since a baby has no concept of respect, and feels only its own needs when born, the only successful way to teach a child what respect is, is to earn the respect of the child as they slowly grow into a thinking human being.
The way this is done is first of all by attending to the child's natural needs, such as to be fed and nurtured. As the child grows, his needs change. He has increasingly sophisticated psychological needs. He begins to express his own views, his own preferences, and he has an increasing need for freedom, autonomy and independence. This is when the adults in his life can treat him with increasing respect and thereby earn his respect in return.
Showing and Earning Respect
Respecting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs. Here are ways to show respect for someone's feelings:
asking them how they feel
validating their feelings
empathizing with them
seeking understanding of their feelings
taking their feelings into consideration
For this process to work efficiently several things are required. For example:
Each person must be aware of their own feelings; i.e. know how they feel.
They must be able to express their feelings.
They must know how to listen non-judgmentally & non-defensively.
They must know how to validate feelings.
They must believe that feelings have value.
They must believe that feelings matter.
If respecting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs, then if a person does not respect your feelings, they don't respect you. If those in positions of power and authority do not respect your needs and feelings, they will not earn your respect.
Confusion Between Respect, Obedience and Fear
A New York City gang member was asked why he carried a gun. He replied: "Before I had this gun, I didn't get no respect. Now I do."
Similarly, teachers and parents often believe that if a child obeys them, or says "Yes, Sir/ No, Sir," it means the child respects them. Several teachers have told me they felt more respected when there was more 'discipline' in the classrooms. When I probed deeper, without fail they made it clear that they were talking about a time when there was more use of corporal punishment in school, and thus more fear of physical pain for disobedience.
There is a danger in mislabeling fear as respect. To use an analogy, consider what would happen if two jars in the medicine cabinet were mislabeled. What if poison ivy lotion were labeled as cough syrup, or chlorine as contact lens cleaner?
Here are some comparisons between fear and respect:
Fear is toxic.
Respect is nurturing.
Fear destroys self-confidence. Respect builds it.
Fear is life-threatening. Respect is life-enhancing.
Fear is forced. Respect is earned.
Fear is learned. Respect is earned.
Respect, Fear and Control in Education and Society
In many countries it is now illegal to hit children in school. In some countries, such as Sweden, it is also illegal to hit them in their homes. One result of this shift in social thinking is that children are becoming less afraid of their teachers, and of authority in general. In the past, the fear of physical punishment was often one of the main ways of maintaining control of the classroom and of society.
The trend in many countries is away from this form of control. I support this trend, but at the same time I am afraid we have taken away one method of control without replacing it with a better one. We have told the teachers you can no longer hit the children. But we did not tell them what to do instead. The result, according to many teachers, is sometimes chaos. What is needed is another basis of control.
I believe that respect is this other basis of control. But this respect must be earned and it must be mutual. It cannot be forced or demanded. It must not be confused with fear. If we confuse fear and respect we are returning to the use of fear. (See sections on this confusion and on how to earn respect)
I believe there is actually an inverse relationship between respect and fear. (See related story) Where the student feels afraid of teacher X, there is likely to be little respect for the teacher. If you now remove the fear from the equation, the student has neither fear of, nor respect for, teacher X. Now teacher X has lost control of the class. But if the teacher has earned the respect of his students, he still has a basis of control, even when the threat of physical punishment is removed. Therefore he can be expected to have fewer problems maintaining control of the classroom. In fact, this seems to be the case in actual practice. Many educators have told me that the teachers who show respect to students have lower levels of discipline and control problems as compared to teachers who use punishment and threats. (See also Authority, Fear and Respect)
If a child or teenager is treated with respect at home, it is likely he will respond positively to being treated with respect at school. But if he is hit at home and he knows that he can't be hit at school, the teacher's job will be more difficult. This is one reason why I believe it is important that we train all teachers in how to earn the respect of their students as part of their own formal education. Ideally, I would also like to see all parents and future parents trained in how to earn the respect of their children. Some, of course, can do this naturally, but I believe most people could use some formal training.
On Crime and Violence
Remember that violence comes from feeling small, powerless, frustrated, controlled, trapped. Guns are a substitute for feeling respected-- children who were respected don't need guns to feel powerful.
Crime is a very often a result of unmet emotional needs rather than physical needs. People are more likely to hurt others when they have been hurt themselves, either physicall or emotionally. They are also more likely to hurt others when they feel no empathy for others. Kids join gangs to get the feelings they didn't get at home. For example: important, protected, respected, heard, connected, accepted, needed, challenged. I had a teenager tell me that her gang gives her love, and I know that she did not get this from her mother or father.
On Conflicts of Needs and Abuse
The parent's role is to meet the child's needs. This is how the relationship begins, and how nature has designed the relationship to work. The best parent, then, has few unmet needs. Thus he/she can be there to attend to the child's needs. The worst parents are the ones with the most unmet emotional needs.
When the parent has many unmet needs, roles quickly become reversed; instead of the parent being there to meet the child's nees, the child gets used in an attempt to fill the parent's needs. This creates an unnatural situation. Such unnatural use of a child is the first step to the abuse of the child. It matters little which unmet needs the parent is trying to fill--physical, sexual or emotional--it is still role reversal, still an unnatural situation-- and still abuse.
Your story sounds so familiar. My brother exhibited such outbursts of rage when we were kids. He would beat up his siblings and scream his rage. He once chased me with a knife when I was 15 and my parents were furious when I called the cops. What was I supposed to do - let him stab me? He went after our grandmother with a fireplace poker and only subsided after our big brother punched his lights out. Both Mom and Dad were involved and they were helpless to control the rages. When he went away to college, he acted out his rage in the dorm where he was a monitor and got beaten badly and thrown out a window of the dorm. At that point the rages stopped (went underground, internalized, who knows). He's now a productive member of society, married for nearly 30 years and father of 3 girls. He found acceptance and love in his new family, something he was missing in our family. But several of us suffer from depression, two of us are bi-polar (one has committed suicide and one has attempted suicide). Two of us are currently in therapy and on psycho-pharma drugs. My parents did not know what was wrong with us and didn't know where to go for help. I got help in Germany where mental health is a normally accepted condition that needs treatment the same as cancer or heart disease. I thank God everyday that I was in Germany when my crisis came. I cannot imagine what would have happened to me here in the States. I would likely have completed my suicide attempt like my brother did. Please America, wake up to the fact that gun control is only one aspect of this problem and the more serious issue is our broken mental health system.
Stadia do not say that I am creating the stigma surrounding mental illness because as I said in my comment, "I agree the problem needs to be addressed in order to reduce the social stigma." Also do not say I am judging anyone, I simply do not agree with this blog post publicising an innocent child as a future mass murderer. I also do not agree with the many of the views of Henry Smith, so please don't be judgemental yourself and group me together with him. I'm not judging anyone, I am entitled to share my opinion and that is what I have done.
Your son "Michael" may have PANDAS (aka PANDAS/PANS/PITANDS), an infection triggered autoimmune disorder (think "rheumatic fever of the brain.") Symptoms of PANDAS can include emotional lability, anxiety, rage attacks, oppositional behavior, sensory issues, and ADHD. These children may even be misdiagnosed as autistic or bipolar. Classically, PANDAS is described as acute onset OCD and/or tics...but too often children go misdiagnosed for years because clinicians don't understand the true scope of PANDAS symptoms and presentations. Sadly, this very treatable cause of neuropsychiatric symptoms isn't even on the radar for most mental health professionals. These kids often collect an "alphabet soup" of psychiatric diagnoses and tend to be refractory to treatment with traditional psychiatric drugs and therapy.
Effective treatment of PANDAS includes antibiotics and immunotherapy (sometimes IVIG, PEX, and/or steroids). Any underlying infections, which can include otherwise assymptomatic strep infections, mycoplasma, Lyme, or other tick borne diseases must be addressed. Unfortunately, because the vast majority of doctors and mental health professionals are unaware or misinformed re PANDAS, proper treatment can be hard to find. However, there ARE good doctors out there including some at Georgetown, Mass General, and Stanford U./LPCH, as well as several in private practice.
I urge you and those with children who have similar symptoms to explore PANDAS. I would also like mention, that in early 2013 a "blood test for PANDAS" will become comercially available. This test, developed by Dr. Madeleine Cunningham of the Univ. of Oklahoma, will be a game changer for many kids with mental illness.
To quote Dr. Michael Jenike (Harvard University) on PANDAS: "I used to think it was exceedingly rare," he says. "Now I think it's exceedingly common." Please take the time to learn about PANDAS. Lives could be saved.
http://www.strepmonster.com/Home.html
My heart goes out to you and your son, Michael. I can offer you some hope. My young daughter exhibeted grave personality changes overnight and threatened to harm me. She was 4 years old. I put my hand on her head and treated it as a demon possession. I said, "I bind you spirit in the name of our Lord, Jesus. Leave this child and never come back." She immediately returned to normal apperances and behavior and has never shown those symptoms again.
I feel the same, I worried about being the mother of those people, myself. I have two sons and a daughter, it frightens me.
I agree, something needs to be done. We do need God back in America, maybe it's time to take the step and do something.
Instead of saying, something needs to be done, let's do something.
Because it takes people like you to bring attention to the people who are not aware.
Take action. You've done your best doing something about your son. And I applaud you for it. I am proud of you. Thank you for doing your part.
And I will be thinking of you. God bless and hang in there!
Thanks for your article. I am another like you, but my son is 17, will be 18 in March. He is in a group home but can check himself out after he turns 18. We can't bring him back home because he is a danger to us and to his siblings. What will become of him? (I am trying to legally limit his future access to guns.)
IT'S NOT BIPOLAR, IT'S NOT O.D.D. and it sure as **** isn't Autism.
Stop this madness and PUT DOWN THE DRUGS!
Parents writing about the hell you've gone through need to know about a new diagnosis called Immature Adrenaline Systems Overreactivity (IASO).
IASO is a temporary physiological condition which occurs at unexpected times or triggers.
Being a physiological condition means we don't have to feed these kids psych drugs.
Google it.
There's one doctor in America who has the handle on this behavior problem, and it stuns me we have to spend a year screaming to get anyone's attention. THE SOLUTION FOR MOST OF YOU IS HERE.
Search for the book or website titled "Hope for the Violently Aggressive Child"for a new, safer and more effective way of approaching this behavior.
Wow. Great story. I hope it will help to shed some light on some of the problems that we, as a society, are overlooking. It's a shame that a lot of the people that need mental health services end up homeless, or in the wrong institutions, ie prisons, because they couldn't get the services they needed. The boy who did the shootings was crying for help. When are we going to provide the mental health services that people need? What more will it take?
Thanks for having the courage to tell your story. I hope it has helped to shed some light on an unhealthy system we have in place, and have accepted as "normal."
Or maybe the guns could just be locked up like any responsible gun owner would do...
Your son may very well be on the spectrum,but he also has a severe mental disability that is not being addressed. Please read this and understand that I sympathize with you completely,I have a child with Asperger's. But the autistic part of him is not what is to be feared. It is not violent. His impulsiveness may make him lash out and pout at times,but never calculatingly plan out a murder or intentional harm. I totally agree,you son is not receiving the correct care or diagnosis. There is something else going on. And that is truly frightening. That these poor souls like your boy could get better if someone would take the time and effort to thoroughly evaluate them and help them and their families. I'm sorry you deal with this daily and your family lives in fear,but know that autism is most definitely not what is causing your son to be out of control. I wish I had the answers for you and the therapy to make it better.
I'm torn here. My 7 year old acts out beyond any child I have ever met of her age. Might she be hyperactive? Perhaps. She causes some strain in our lives and in our marriage at times, but I never would bash her online because it will come back to haunt you, while at the same time I understand the need to talk about it, and gain support. Perhaps, a therapy office is the best place for that though. You should NOT be ashamed of him, only think a little about the future is all.
You have a beautiful child who one day may read these harsh words and feel very sad by them. Your other kids may be affected by this to. So the great honesty is appreciated in parts, but could this be detrimental? Of course. Not that I don't feel for what you are going through.
My ex was a mess of a person who pulled knives on me, psychologically tortured me every day. I can imagine the pain of that person being your own child. The one you gave birth to. And I understand that you most definitely never meant that he is LIKE Adam Lanzar and these other sickos, but that you feel as helpless as their mothers may have or did, or do feel. So you feel like the mother of a very troubled child..not are really comparing the child to these monsters, correct? That is what I am getting from it, but you can imagine there would be some controversy over just the mention of such a name (or names) in the wake of Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre.
I never read your blog. Some are saying you have said before that your child is pretty much normal, or have implied it, maybe up until now. But again I haven't read it. If that's a lie I feel sorry for you right now, but if it is true and you are seeking publicity through your son..THAT would be beyond sick. I hope those people are way off base.
Good luck to you and your child. I was around two such children...my cousin and step brother who was/is this way, and both ended up in special facilities. I admire you for not giving up on him. I hope he gets the help he needs now, so you can sleep peacefully at night, and have your son back.
Best wishes,
Shelly
http://www.twinpossible.com/blog
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry you are going through all this with your kid. I can imagine it is not easy for him to live like that. I hope you will get the help you need. I hope that you set an example for all families to stand up and get the help they need for mental illness issues in the family. It is not easy but not impossible. There is hope!
Thank you for this post. Your words could have easily been my own. Those who have not dealt with these issues first hand will never understand the constant struggle we, as parents of mentally ill children, face. My daughter has a slew of similar diagnosis. We have tried everything. She is too smart for therapy. She tells them exactly what they want to hear. We have poured our love and affection into her because we thought her issues resulted from a tragic childhood. We adopted her at 7. We tried rewards systems, goal charts, time out's, grounding, loss of privileges and so much more. She's been to 5 different therapists, many of who "graduate" her from their sessions saying is no longer in need of their service. We've been through MST as a family. She's been in a hospital setting, a step down setting, and is now in a residential treatment facility. It's easy for some to sit back and judge. I've heard everything from "You need to be more strict." to "Just love her more." I've even heard "You should just let her go." The truth is, we have give everything for our daughter and will continue to do so. I have had to fight tooth and nail to get her into treatment. No one wants to pay for her to receive treatment. Insurance is all to willing to let her slip through the cracks of a broken system.
I agree with Travis. The vast majority of these kids don't have a mental illness. That's just an excuse for lazy and/or ignorant parenting technique. If you really want to help kids grow up right then you need to do two things. First, change the custody laws so both parents have the choice of spending 50% of the time with their kids. Pay divorced parents a $100/week subsidy if they choose to live in the same city. Alternate one week with each parent. A child needs a mother and father involved in their life to grow up right. No amount of money or pills can change that. Second, add interpersonal relationship skills to elementary and highschool curriculum. We use those skills EVERY day, unlike other courses.
Thank you...your Blog was referenced in our local news cast last night. I hope you are able to find the help for your son and more importantly the state government doesn't cut funding so that you may have the resources.
How dare you explicitly identify your own son to the world like this? I'm not denying he likely has a problem that needs treating.
But you have disregarded his rights by publishing his photo and identifying him as your son. Have you considered how that will affect his mental health? Do not treat your son as a commodity for your blog.
@Maggie Harris is correct. I also grew up with a very mentally ill sibling in the house and the effects on your other children cannot be overstated. I started therapy as soon as I got out of the house at 19 and have continued in therapy to this day (I'm now 40) to try and deal with trauma of being forced to live with what amounts to a ticking time bomb. Watching your sibling physically attack your parents with knives, and sometimes being the object of those attacks, leaves deep scars on us. And focusing all your time and attention on the mentally ill one is almost as bad. The "good" kids are ignored or left to fend for themselves because the parents are too overwhelmed by dealing with the troubled child. No one wants to talk about what happens to the children who are forced to grow up in a home in which they do not feel safe. We tend to turn our feelings inwards because we are used to being ignored. So instead we suffer from depression, drug-addiction, and sometimes even suicide. I don't know that there is a right answer in how to deal with such a mentally ill person, but I do know that having such an unstable person in the home will forever affect, and perhaps destroy, your other children. I wish my parents had made the tough decisions and removed my sibling from the home. They might have at least ended up with two normal kids instead of three damaged ones.
As someone who grew up one town away from Newtown, I spent a lot of time there growing up. My relatives ran a day camp there, and my cousin still lives there, and his little girl attends afternoon kindergarden at that school. Also, a woman I used to work with was supposed to go into work at Sandy Hook School at 10:30 that morning. The violence that took place there has been shattering for me...I can't even imagine how the parents & partners of those educators feel. So I am looking for a way to help stop violence like this from ever happening again. So I am sharing here to see if my experience can help Anarchist Soccer Mom and others in a similar situation with troubled children. My first question is: how often is Michael outside? Has he ever gone camping, rode a horse, been in the woods? Taking away the "electronics" for the rest of the day for that behaviour??? I'd take it away for the rest of known time (or at least until the end of the Mayan calandar) if any of my 3 boys ever dared speak to me that way. Not that my kids have electronics. We have one small old-school TV/VCR combo & they can watch a little on weekends. Computer use is only for school. Boys are age 15, 12 and 9The two older boys are foster children who came to our family at ages 4 & 2. For many years, the older one had many incidences of violence, screaming tantrums that wouldn't stop, along with some violent acting out like tearing apart his room. The younger stole things & lied constantly, and to this day they both have difficulty expressing affection. The 12 year old still has minor verbal conflicts with me almost every day, but it is because he didn't have good mothering when he was a baby. We believe the behaviour was the result of very poor parenting & trauma inflicted by their birth parents, who themselves were brought up in homes full of conflict & substance abuse. After trying several therapists (who were all extremely nutty imho) we decided to use another tactic. We live in a rural area, so we introduced the boys right away to nature...camping, fishing, swimming in lakes, hiking, birds & animals. Sometimes in the early days just going to the river and throwing rocks for a couple hours is the best therapy. Now they are both ok. Now our older boy has been on honor roll throughout 2 years of high school and is playing varsity basketball. He never screams or acts out anymore. Stop medicating Michael....get him outside, playing more sports (snowboarding maybe??) and with an adult role model who is strong & can teach him how to behave. Get him into the woods, in a program like Farm & Wilderness in Vermont. Do not allow him to play any more video games for a real long time, & use computers(monitored by you) only for school. No cell phone, ipod, any of that. Gradually change your diet away from heavily processed foods/any junk food. Do you cook meals for your family? If not you should start. We all sit down to dinner together each night. My husband takes the boys to church on Sunday. Is there a male role model for Michael? The boy seems horribly spoiled to me...and it is my suspicion that the Sandy Hook shooter had a similar situation. Suburban affluenza. Kids, especially boys, need a stable home life, healthy food, and lots of contact with the natural world to develop right. Boys also need strong role models who can teach them things...and I think this in particular is very important. It is why there are so many 17-25 year old guys getting themselves in trouble...rudderless in a very confusing world, & exposed to too much violence from media/wars/bullying/our culture. I'm not trying to beat anyone up, this is just what I've learned through experience. Maybe it will help.
I wish you had contact info. I'm another mom dealing with this situation, but it's going better for us..... you are missing some basic points. We should talk. Like: a punishment is working on the assumption that the behaviour needs greater MOTIVATION on the part of the child. But the child is ill. The motivation may be there BUT IT IS THE SKILL SET THAT IS MISSING AND NO AMOUNT OF PUNISHMENT WILL HELP OR CHANGE THIS. In fact, the pressure of trying to avoid punishments for behaviours that are only partly in the child's control can cause an anxiety feedback loop that makes everything worse. When I was in the car with my freaking son, going towards the hospital, when he calmed himself down and asked to not go to the hospital I RESPECTED THAT BECAUSE ANY POSITIVE BEHAVIOUR HAS TO BE REINFORCED RIGHT AT THE MOMENT. We did not go to the hospital on that occasion. If the kid freaks, you do not respond to what they want. Then they calm themselves. Hooray. THIS IS WHAT THEY MUST LEARN. Then you step in, with the best tradition of ignorant long term mental cause and effect, and promptly teach him THAT NOTHING CHANGES AND HE STILL HAS NO CONTROL OVER HIS OWN LIFE EVEN WHEN HE CALMS DOWN. Say what? I would never take away my son's electronics. They are his. He has to have SOMETHING on this earth that is his. REINFORCE the behaviour you want. Teach the child that by exhibiting decent behaviour he can influence the world. Teach him respect for others and their property by showing respect for HIS property. Get out of the box of traditional "moral" punishment as IT DOES NOT WORK WITH THESE CHILDREN AS FOR THE MOST PART THEY WOULD HAVE THE WORLD LOVE THEM IF THEY COULD AND IT IS THEIR INABILITY TO NAVIGATE THE WORLD THAT CAUSES THEIR ISSUES. They do not need punishment ( read motivational re-inforcement ) they need BEHAVIOURAL re-inforcement ( read TRAINING ) which means RESPONDING TO THE BEHAVIOUR YOU WANT AS SOON AS YOU SEE IT.
We have not had an outburst in some months. My son is still not back in school, but he is calm, on no drugs of any kind, and behaves nicely when pressure is kept away. After x-mas we are going to start with a single course and go from there. Good Luck to You and Your Son.
So many Americans are against Obama Care. But once more we can see how essential it is that the community takes care of special cases and provides financial and mental support before it goes wrong.
Both child and parent do need guidance, and it is the duty of the community to be ready to provide such help.
My heart goes out to so many people who are hurting. We need empathy and compassion more than ever now. We can only save ourselves. We must be strong.
Thank u! My son has been struggling with
Bi polar disorder since he was 13. This led to drug abuse which in turn led to prison. He is now 22. A beautiful and intelligent young man, he as been unable to be successful on parolwithout access to medication. This has led back to illegal drug use and back to prison where he temains medicated and "feels like himself". Every morning he standin line for over an houralong with all the other inmates waiting to take psycotropic medication. Hmm...
My heart breaks for you, your other children and Michael. I am curious as to what his psychiatrist says about him and what medication he has him on. I myself suffer from a mental illness, one that can be controlled with medication, so I consider myself blessed. This illness did not show up in my grown children for which I am profoundly greatful. I know there are mothers everywhere than deal with what you live with but that is no consolation. I pray you can soon get help with Michael before it is too late. God Bless You all.
I am not a mother, but I have adult male friend who is just like your son and have tried to help him. It's so difficult to see a bright, intelligent, talented person turn into a raging, hateful, violent person and there is no help out there. I've watched him go from medical professional to medical professional and all they do is write a prescription and send him on his way... This man needs to be hospitalized with specialized care and he is not alone! These people WANT help! They do not want to be the way they are, but the system keeps passing them off, hoping "they" do not have to deal with him... Then we wonder WHY these violent acts occur??? Something needs to be done about the Mental Health System immediately! We can't afford to wait another day. We need to talk openly about it and not be ashamed. I commend you for your honesty and encourage you to keep speaking out!
I have seen mothers with the same problem but they seemed to be in denial. The first step is to acknowledge there is a problem. And I admire you for coming forward. I have been diagnosed with bipolar as we'll as my daughter. She has been in counseling for a year now. She is on state care and we don't have a lot of options because we live in a small town. But a week ago her counselor called and asked me to talk to my daughter about the sessions because she has not been participating and just lays on the floor. I assured her I would talk to my daughter about this problem. After a few minutes it hit me...isn't that what she's in counseling for? I mean if I could tell her to do something and she does it then she wouldn't need counseling. I called and canceled the sessions. After a year we still haven't gotten anywhere. I know my child isn't violent or dangerous we just have communication issues. But if my child was like Michael we would be in serious trouble because we have no help where I live. Besides that the stigma of mental disorders stops people from supporting those who need help. A few years back I had a reaction to some medication I was on and it caused a severe depression that led to me being hospitalized for 3 days in the psych ward here in town. When my husband came to pick me up he parked across the street because he said he was embarrassed. His family was ashamed of me and never called or asked how I was doing. Although members of his family suffer from alcoholism and drug issues and have been rehab. But I'M AN EMBARRASSMENT??? This is sad!
We are going through something so similar and so scary with our wonderful son. Thank you for sharing your story.
I agree... Depakote works great with little to no side affects for me.
AS for me, I have a 6 yr old that is very very active and says things that scare me sometimes. He is very loving at times, but sometimes he doesn't even want to be touched. I have decided NOT to medicate him, because i feel that medication is what makes a person more violent. Its the truth, Medication only relieves a certain thing but causes worse things in the long run. Right now, I am just trying counseling and trying very hard to understand him. So far we are doing good. Although medication has been something that i have thought about because there are times, when I feel that i can't take it anymore, There is no way I would ever do that to my son! I believe there is a lot of natural things out there, that dont have the bad side effects. This story almost made me cry, and although my son has not been to that extreme, i hope that that time never gets here.
I also believe that a child should not be treated differently. and communication is the key. You should know everything that is going on with your son/daughter. My son is in first grade gifted and talented, and although he is not really doing that great, the teachers and myself are still giving him a chance to be just like the others. There are times when he makes those 100 on the tests and he is very excited about it, it just gives him a reason to be better. I love my son!
I was in a relationship with your "adult" son. I met "John", he was intelligent, talented and extremely passionate. Then something would not go right and he would threaten suicide and have violent outbursts. Then feel so terrible about it after. John has been seeking help for this his entire life. He was labeled a "difficult child" and his family chose to ignore his behavior and cries for help. As an adult he has spent time in prison for assault and other charges all steming from his mental illness. I've tried to help John and he's tried to help himself, but the mental health system is set up to write prescriptions and send that person away.... He WANTS help! No one is listening. I've watched him go to appt. after appt. with no real answers when he leaves. He needs to be hospitalized in a controled setting where mental health professionals can work with him to figure out a plan for recovery. So does your son. We need to speak openly about menal illness and stop sweeping it under the rug, like it will go away! If we do not address this, there will be many more tragedies. I don't understand why people even go into the mental health profession when they really don't want to help the most mentally challanged of all?? Please continue to speak openly about your challenges and I wish all the best for you and your son. You could change the way the mental health system works. These people shouldn't be just thrown in prisons where they will get no help at all. Their lives are worthy too. Thank you for your blog!
IT'S NOT BIPOLAR.
IT'S NOT O.D.D.
IT'S NOT Autism.
SO PUT DOWN THE DRUGS!
There's one doctor in America who has the handle on this behavior problem, and it stuns me we have to spend a year screaming to get anyone's attention. THE SOLUTION FOR MOST OF YOU IS HERE.
A new diagnosis and treatment called Immature Adrenaline Systems Overreactivity (IASO) explains most of the aggression and violence in these kids everyone is writing about.
IASO is a temporary physiological condition which occurs for unusual reasons.
Being a physiological condition means we don't have to feed these kids psych drugs.
Google it!
Search for the book or website titled "Hope for the Violently Aggressive Child"for a new, safer and more effective way of approaching this behavior.
I too am Adam Lazlo's mom and would like very much to be in touch with this mom. Please contact me at dialysisrecruitment@yahoo.com. At 22, my son ended up in solitary confinement in a jail for a year, refusing any contact with me, cutting himself off from the only loving support he had, He ended up completely psychotic, naked, on the cold, cement floor of the "safety cell," known better as "the hole." He was allegedly self-mutilating, completely dehydrated, refusing food or water, no longer speaking, with a t shirt tied around his eyes to more-completely shut out his life and this world. he was completely delusional and after nearly a year of freedom, is slowly beginning to see the light of day again. Something has to change. The Adam Lazlo's of the world need to be noticed. Both they and their mothers need protection from this world, as well as the easy availability of things like assault guns. Good help us all. The lives of these beautiful little children so full of promise, as well as their courageous teachers and school administrators must not pass in vain... Thank you "Adam Laslo's" figurative mom for giving the real mom a voice. I sobbed reading your article for all of those injured by the insensitivity and coldness of our culture in its treatment of the mentally ill and its protection of its citizenry. Some things really do have to change!
It is so sad to see so many children and adults tortured by mental illness. As a believer in Christ and the Bible, I also think that some individuals are being tortured by evil beings called demons. There is a lot of evidence for this even today, and it is so so so sad and frustrating that some cases are not being addressed from the spiritual side. It is difficult to tell if Michael is ill, or if he is a victim to these beings. If I may, I would advise you to seek help also at a Pentecostal church which hopefully has experience with expelling demons (Other churches might too, but Pentecostal's are most likely to have this type of experience). They would hopefully prayerfully seek the Lord to see if the cause is spiritual. If it is demonic they could help where no other medicines can help. I will pray for Michael and his and your safety. Thank you for being brave to share your story!
Anaarchist Soccer Mom, I can relate. I have a son that when in a good mood is an angel but when he is in his other mood it is like walking on egg shells. I worry about him being violent someday and hope we can find him help, which we are currently looking for and filling out forms right now. He is 9 and I have been baffled for years about his behavior and what the right course of action is to help him. Often I would get stares from other parents when he was younger about his behavior but it wasn't anything I brought on. I have two other children that do not behave the way he does. I love him of course, so it's disheartening to see him this way. Nobody can understand, therefore, judge until they have a child like this. Thank you for your honesty.
I have a daughter that has threatened to kill her brothers and myself. She has been to psychiatrists, taken meds, we have tried behavior modifications, even two stints in mental facilities but nothing has helped. She is now 22 and there is literally nothing I can do because she is an "adult." She was the sweetest child, so beautiful and kind. I just don't know what to do anymore so I leave her alone. She hates me until it is her birthday or Christmas.
i know many will shrug off my comment, but have you thought about joining a church? I pray you will. Prayers work miracles.
My heart definitely goes out to you. I'm not in your position with my children, but I understand how mental illness can affect certain aspects of the person's life and those who affected by them. My father was a paranoid schizophrenic, and I remember how our lives were negatively impacted due to his disorder. I have noticed that many people on here have said that a psychiatrist should not be sought out. However, the only way to determine which mental illness he has, and it is very evident that he suffers from one, is to seek out a psychiatrist. I only say this because I have also studied maladaptive disorders. If those with mental disorders are not helped, they will never be able to function properly in society or in their lives. He is very young to be having suicidal ideation. He is also threatening the lives of others. I urge you to see out the pediatric psychiatrist. I'm almost complete with my masters in Criminal Justice, and I assert to you that the criminal justice system is not the way to go. They will not be able to help him sufficiently. "Creating a paper trail" is not the way to go!!! Trust me! The only way for you to help him is to obtain help from a psychiatrist so that they can properly diagnosis him. There are specific types of programs that can help him, and there are also programs that can help you and your family to be better able to help him and deal with him when he is having these episodes. I urge you to seek help before it is too late!
Thank you for sharing your experience in living with a child that has mental illness. I also have a child that was diagnosed with many disorders. The first diagnosis was at age 6. It was so disabling as a parent. I didn't want to believe it. Many people try to place blame on the parent(s) for their child's behavior. Only those of us that truly live through each and every day with this know there is something more to it. Sure we all question "What did I do wrong?" Reality is, it is the most difficult thing as a parent to endure and be completely helpless in situations like these. Many schools want to medicate due to being over crowded in the classroom and unable to root the issue, society wants to place blame and point the finger at "bad parents", family tries to pretend it's not as bad as it seems. It is very stressful.
The hardest thing I had to do was choose my son or the safety of his siblings in the courtroom one day. Despite how hard it was, I knew it was the only way to get him the help he needed. Society just isn't set up to help the mentally ill children the way it needs to be.
My son is now 21 years old and his behaviors are more controlled. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up looking for it. For me that was a residential placement that was nearby and did an EXCELLENT job with the skills they taught him. Not only did they help him, they helped our whole family with various coping skills and sense of togetherness. Normally I don't leave my email on a public site, but if ever you need to speak to someone with a understanding shoulder please feel free (scarlytt@live.com).
did you follow-up with the school about the pants? Was he telling the truth? Very Moving.
I have dealt with mental illness in my family my entire life. No one really knows what's wrong with my mother but every few years she has a psychotic breakdown and its gut wrenching, stressful and painful waiting for her to do something that is a threat to herself or others. The first time it happened I was six. We couldn't commit her until she made violent threats. It shouldn't have to come down to that. My heart breaks for you and what you have to go through, as it is similar to what my father has had to deal with. People who have never had to deal with mental health issues have no idea what it's like. It's not like the family members don't want to help them or do something. It's that most of the time they're powerless to do anything, until it is completely out of control. Shame on anyone who judges you and your struggles. I'll pray for you and your son to find what is causing his behavior and a solution.
It is easy to ban guns. It is, apparently, almost impossible to even TALK about caring for the mentally ill. We, all of us together, need to do better.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and all families in simialr situations. I can't imaging being in your position and hope you can find some relief. Children can be the biggest joy in ones life and the biggest heartbreak. I hope someday your joy is so much greater! Thank you for the bravery and courage you have taken to write this post.
Still wondering about the Father. Is he in the childs life?
It is time to open the door and turn on the lights around mental illness. Too long folks are quiet, and we have the mentally ill in prisons without treatment. I have personal experience into this, and I can tell you that violence and threats of self-hurt are not going away without treatment that includes consequences. One of the consequences? That folks other than the parents know what the children do, and we stop keeping the truth in the dark. You're not perfect; I've read about that. I give a yawn to those critics--they are part of the problem. They don't understand what you deal with and they don't understand that taking a stand is very hard. Public? Damn right. Keep it that way. It helps millions of others to read your story. Me included. Thank you.
Your son needs you to be an UNDERSTANDING and PATIENT adult and not a COWARD to call police or hospital crew to take on that role of a trustworthy and guiding parent.... Parents need to LISTEN, EXPLAIN things to kids in a language they understand, in a tone that shows calm and control and love, and DEMONSTRATE to their kids through actions that the world is not ending YET! World is full of people of different personalities and skills....Your son needs to understand what he, as an individual, could contribute to this world as a valuable member of the society when he grows up.
And on another note, if you are truly a caring mom who wants to help your child, throw out everything from your kitchen that is not freshly prepared by YOU with wholesome/organic ingredients with least amounts of pesticides/additives/preservatives. Yes, it takes time and commitment, but you are prepared to help your child, right? Then buckle up to put in some effort! Test him for allergies and eliminate allergens. After all, you have probably heard this before - YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT, DRINK, BREATHE and WHO YOU HANG OUT WITH! So, control every aspect of that and see what that will do to your son to become a normal kid.
Most of the time, parents want to "outsource" their life to food processing companies who add dangerous stuff to their products and don't give a damn about your health, overwhelmed school teachers, violent TV/Media/video games, the medical profession and pharmas who just want to treat your symptoms, make you a customer for life and not treat the root cause of illness, and then wonder why today's kids are not acting NORMAL! This whole country needs to look at the way we live, if we want to avoid the entire population turning into "troubled" brain population one day in not-too-distant future!
I have been in education 15 years and have seen a drastic change in student behavior.
The first thing I thought of when I heard the Adam Lanza event was Meds and video games.
I believe it is the medication coupled with the violent video games. I equate it to a "normal" person playing 4-8 hours of violent games while on acid or lsd for years at a time...what do you think the result will be??
I do appreciate your input tremendously and hope it can bring about a national discussion. Drug companies and the gaming industry need to be held accountable.
I do have a question for you...Why did you let him have access to the "electronics?" You had to have noticed the reactions it caused in him. Was it because he was manageable when he was happy playing with his electronics?
I'm sorry but if this is my son, no matter how much I love him, I would have him put under professional care. Its only a matter of time before he gets too strong to control and becomes even more bored with being civilized. This poor guy will end up in the news in a few years if something isn't done.
You could try enrolling Michael in a sports program, like Football, to channel his aggression and energies. Sports is an excellent outlet for built up energy and anger.
I just wanted to say Thank You and give you hope and strength. My mom works in an elementary school in Idaho with mentally ill children that have many of the same behaviors as Michael. It's so hard to watch these beautiful young lives grow and learn and be frightened at the same time while we all ask the same question with what seems like no answers "How do we help them?" God sent us you. Thank you for being the voice we needed to start REALLY helping these children, and not just putting them into the system. Thank you. Thank you
"HOPE FOR THE VIOLENTLY AGGRESSIVE CHILD" by Dr Ralph Ankenman
is a book and a website put out this year that applies to many of the families commenting here and apparently to the son of this soccer mom.
It is not bipolar, it is not ODD, ADHD or Autism. It's just adrenaline systems dysfunction, which can be more safely and effectively treated without the psych drugs.
Google it.
"HOPE FOR THE VIOLENTLY AGGRESSIVE CHILD" by Dr Ralph Ankenman
The incompetency of the mother in this article is apparent. If she knows the nature of her son’s tendencies to the degree that she has her younger children drilled on what to do in the event of an outburst, then I wonder what else she has done to prepare. For instance, has she read every book on communication and parenting skills she could get her hands on (starting with Non-violent Communication: the Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg)? It was distressing the way the mother was immediately authoritarian and turned the whole scene into a power trip which quickly escalated because the kid has more time and power than a busy mom. Why didn’t he mother help her son identify his feelings and work through his emotions? Because obviously she never taught herself how. So now she a ‘victim’ and the child is receiving no constructive assistance in dealing with the vagaries of life.
I hope more people now understand that families in your situation and specifically your son, need REAL help! You are amazing for sharing your story to the public...the average person does not understand how few options there are out there. Perhaps if our country works on a solution...less tragedies will occur!
The incompetency of the mother in this article is apparent. If she knows the nature of her son’s tendencies to the degree that she has her younger children drilled on what to do in the event of an outburst, then I wonder what else she has done to prepare. For instance, has she read every book on communication and parenting skills she could get her hands on (starting with Non-violent Communication: the Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg)? It was distressing the way the mother was immediately authoritarian and turned the whole scene into a power trip which quickly escalated because the kid has more time and power than a busy mom. Why didn’t he mother help her son identify his feelings and work through his emotions? Because obviously she never taught herself how. So now she a ‘victim’ and the child is receiving no constructive assistance in dealing with the vagaries of life.
I find it disingenuous and self-serving that in so many of these dysfunctional family instances, the parent is just another victim. If you are a victim first, then you are a parent second. You talk much about the punitive actions taken against Michael, but little to nothing about the nurturing ones. Or is that the sole domain of electronics? This is part of the disease in our culture today, one where parents themselves are essentially still children who do not know how to parent because they are too busy pursuing their own childish agenda (exhibitionist or not) and aren't truly willing or able to put their kid's interests and needs ahead of their own. But this is what having children demands. They are not potted plants, pets, or personal accessories. And video games are not babysitters. You say that when he's in a "good mood" he will bend your ear with what you essentially put down as his geeky brilliance, but when and how and with what real enthusiasm do you bend his ear, encourage his interests, validate his feelings? We wouldn't know because you don't tell us and so must assume that these details are unimportant. Except that they're not.
I see a lot of narcissism at work in the parents here, as evidently they were with the "real" Adam Lanza's mother, which is invariably conferred and magnified in some monstrous way in their off-spring. Just as these damaged children eventually act out as vengeful victims against society , so do their negligent parents plead the victim when it becomes evident they have failed in the most basic ways to nurture . And I won't even ask where the father is.
It's amazing, really, reading any of these comments against this mother. Those making those comments should read how many SUPPORT her and UNDERSTAND her in these comments. And have the same experience. It's not the mother, folks, it's the kid, and sometimes love alone is NOT enough. And the comments here will tell you that, if you read them, and change your mind, unless your ignorance is just a willful act to cover your own bad parenting skills. You can quote me: "Loud judgement on others' sins is all too often silent jury on our own." Read and change. And help become part of the solution rather than part of the problem. Thank you
Praying for you, and especially your son!
My heart goes out to you.
I just can't imagine. This has to be a difficult decision for you!
1. What do other western nations do when confronted with someone like your son?
2. Before 1970 or so, it was not too difficult for families to have difficult personalities such as your son's, committed to a state hospital. Over the past 40 years, more and more of these hospitals have been closed. The pretext was the discovery of psychoactive medications. The real reason is that state hospitals were chambers of horrors. Much of the staff was undertrained and underpaid.
3. A year ago, dear friends of mine lost a 20 something son when he committed suicide while in a state hospital.
4. To my knowledge, my sister has never attempted or threatened suicide. Otherwise, her behaviour has at times resembled that of your son. Since her late high school years, she has been repeatedly violent and abusive. Things took a marked turn for the worse after her marriage broke up some years ago. My marriage family and I cannot deal with her in any way. She is now nearly 60 years old.
I have a daughter who suffers from depression and has Asperger's. Every time there is one of these attacks like Sandy Hook, one of the first things reported seems to be that the shooter was diagnosed with Asperger's. There is no link between Asperger's Syndrome or any other on the Autism Spectrum that is associated with violence. These killers may very well have Asperger's but maybe they were mis-diagnosed or have a host of other mental health issues. My daughter feels people backing away from her when they hear she has Asperger's. Like maybe she could be a killer too. She's about to graduate from college and worries that no-one will hire her for fear she could "lose it" and come in with a gun and kill people. Something must be done to stop this type of discrimination too!
God Bless your family. I went through this with my father. We finally got him the help he needed when I was 16. It's still not easy, but the meds help and for the most part life has gone on after decades of living on the edge of sanity. It wasn't until we made the choice to have him committed that anything moved forward. If you are in this situation please don't live in denial. Take the bold steps you need to, get them hospitalized, be patient, give as much love as you can. Prayers for more understanding, more assistance and a far better and preventitive health care and mental health structure in this country.
I am that mother, too, but I was also that child. I spent most of my life alone and the last 31 years trying to KEEP my son's rage directed at me in an effort to prevent him from directing it at anyone else because I knew how it felt to fight the urge to hurt people you think hurt you. With no help as a divorced parent, my other 3 sons and I were on our own and have many external and internal scars from him.
And, as we all know by some of the comments that I've seen posted here and elsewhere, stupid people like to antagonize people like he or me making things much worse. I thank God I was able to help myself, but I could not get help for him because he has 14 diagnosis's and was put on 11 different meds over the years from approximately 22 different psychologists, psychiatrists, hospitals and nurse practitioners (who shouldn't even have that ability) - most of the diagnosis are conflicting and the meds didn't work or caused him to have seizures - their response was to give him more meds. He was teased in school and in the neighborhood; he was and continues to be manipulated by people who take advantage of him; the teasing went unaddressed by school staff; he was constantly excluded by other kids sometimes forcibly (it was the same with me when I was in school).
We need access to mental health help and the mental health field needs to be more involved with their clients - not just once per week for half an hour!
Oh, and as for the police, they do not have the ability or knowledge to deal with people mentally challenged on any level. When my son pushed the refridge on me in 2001 I had to call them for help. Three officers came here - while two held him face down in the front yard the third jumped up and down on his back four times with his knee while I pleaded with them to stop and take him to the ER as his psychiatrist had asked them to do. They said to him "your not sick you're an asshole and need a beating" and told me to get in the house or they would arrest me, too. He was charged with resisting arrest and never went to the ER - they took him to jail and held him there for a week on sucide watch telling him I was going to die and it was his fault. Can you imagine. So now I will never call them.
IGNORANCE and mental health is what needs to be addressed - not weapons.
These people start as children and we CAN help prevent it if we start when they are children with attention, care and guidance from the mental health community and schools.
As I read this story I thought to myself that I am not the only one dealing with this. I am living this exact story right now. I have a son that has mental challenges. I feel like there is no genuine help for him and I am repeatedly told the exact same thing. My son doesn't belong in prison he deserves to be helped the proper way. My son is 12 and I have been going through this exact same thing for the past four years. Thank you for sharing your story. People really don't understand the depth of mental illnesses. I need help and prayers.
You have a blessing of sharing words that are meaningful. thank you for sharing a little of my story too, in a very loving and non-judgmental way.
As I read this story I thought to myself that I am not the only one dealing with this. I am living this exact story right now. I have a son that has mental challenges. I feel like there is no genuine help for him and I am repeatedly told the exact same thing. My son doesn't belong in prison he deserves to be helped the proper way. My son is 12 and I have been going through this exact same thing for the past four years. Thank you for sharing your story. People really don't understand the depth of mental illnesses. I need help and prayers.
People forget if you know one child with autism you know one child with autism they are all very different and you will be wrong to apply your thoughts as if they are the same. One thing I do not read in your story that has helped my son is a strong loving father in his life. He has succeeded and has learned to cope with his perceived differences by spending a lot of time together. You do need to pick your battles with all kids but you also need to stand strong and not back down like you do. It is difficult if you feel like a victim as it sounds from the story you need to get help to always be strong about his behavior. All kids do things they should not, "normal" kids threaten and fight everyday we seem to isolate out the kids we think are not normal as if they will never have a bad day. I divorced my ex for many reasons one big one is she enjoyed the times when the kids had problems. If you can provide a very strong environment not physically strong but so he knows and is reminded daily of what is expected and what is not allowed I hope it will help him. It takes time but you need to remind many autistic people daily of the skills needed to be part of the crazy world we live in. Countries that ban guns have children killed by knives, machetes, etc. People think a sign banning something will keep it out, it shows how stupid we can be. Hug all of your children, plan time alone with each one, but daily work with your son so he knows when he wakes till he goes to bed what is expected and allowed. He will hopefully get over it, if you try to keep him from learning about things like guns he will still it just will not be controlled and provide proper information. You can help him remember the world is not the same as you see it and learn from him he sounds remarkable.
As I read this story I thought to myself that I am not the only one dealing with this. I am living this exact story right now. I have a son that has mental challenges. I feel like there is no genuine help for him and I am repeatedly told the exact same thing. My son doesn't belong in prison he deserves to be helped the proper way. My son is 12 and I have been going through this exact same thing for the past four years. Thank you for sharing your story. People really don't understand the depth of mental illnesses. I need help and prayers.
Is your son Transgendered?
I ask this question, because this sounds almost EXACTLY like my childhood, and I'm Transgendered. A lot of my rage as a child came from a lie I was taught to tell at the age of 4, a lie I had to re-tell daily with every male pronoun feeling like a tiny dig of a knife. I simply can't tell you how much it hurt me when my parents would say I looked like my Father. I was an outcast at school, literally the kid at the bottom of the pecking order. I had 'friends' who would act like my friend unless someone else could see them, and when they could see them, my 'friends' joined my enemies in their taunting and abuse.
I came home every day isolated and depressed beyond words, and my parents started dismissing those complaints that "I want to die, I don't want to live any more, nobody likes me, everybody hates me" as some kind of phase I was going through, that I was making it all up. Teachers and recess supervisors began taking the bullies' sides because *I* was the repeated common denominator in these fights.. I must be starting them and losing.
That built an atmosphere of distrust and hatred, and a pattern of me amping up the volume, amping up the stakes in every fight, to try just once to have them hear me. I was keeping more and more of my thoughts to myself, and telling my parents more and more lies.. not doing homework constantly, not paying attention in school, spending half of the day "zoned out" in daydreams inside my mind, and eventually started skipping school whenever I could (in GRADE SCHOOL!) I began burying myself in worlds of fantasy and science fiction, in television, books, and in computers.
It ended eventually, but I carry the scars of never having really 'known' my parents, or never having been 'known' by them, until I finally came out at the age of 23.
Now it's certainly possible that he's not Transgendered. But is it possible that he's carrying a personal truth or a secret that he's overwhelmed by and thinks you'll never accept?
I have neither the time nor the patience to read this very long comment thread. But in the bits I've glanced at, I have found "bipolar" mentioned only once. I am neither a healthy care professional nor a clinical psychologist. But the first thing I would suspect upon encountering a case like the son of ASM is bipolar disorder.
Until a few years before I started my present job, my work unit was terrorised for about a decade by highly talented bipolar individual. When he was good, he was very good. And when he was down, he was surly and threatened violence. More than half of the positions in my unit were vacant. It took many years for my unit to recover from the trauma stemming from his reign of terror. My colleagues were handicapped by the fact that they had little reading knowledge about the bipolar personality.
don't let your kid play violent video games. only 5 or so hours tv etc per week. healthy food, outdoor activities EVERY day and sports. you might have waited too long so your kid seems hopelessly spoiled...fresh & lazy. he knows you are scared of him so you need to be strong and accept that you have to stand up to him. Think up new family rules, get everyone together, and lay it all out. It might be good to implement changes slowly (one big one a month, like the electronics ban). Then work your way up to family dinners, outside activities (or sports), volunteering, healthy food.
All I can say is, Thank you. Thank you for being willing to do the hard parenting. As parents we sometimes take our children's short-comings, failings, illness, etc. personally. We will make every excuse we can for them. We will tell ourselves "it's not that bad" or "we can handle it". The fact is, sometimes it *is* that bad and we can't handle it, we need help. It takes a very strong and truly loving parent to do what is right for their family even when it is heart-breaking. I thank you, for doing the seemingly impossible and for not being quiet about it.
Thank you for sharing your story. It really made me change my viewpoint.
My wife and I have been dealing with this for 18 Years and last month 2 days after thanks giving our son was arrested for B&E. Over the years we have many similar problems with our son Cody. He has tried to stab me with a knife, he has threaten to kill us all and chop us up. He has threaten to kill him self. He has stole from us. There has been night where have taken our other kids and put them in our bedroom with us and locked the door because we could not trust him. We tried to have the state of Missouri help us when we lived there and Texas when we lived there. No one wants to help. There is no help with kids like this. I spent over $160,000.00 in treatment, care and meds for my son, nothing helped. Our son Cody has tried to kill our cat. His bothers and sister hate him and fear him. I am glad my son is in jail and has not killed anyone for if he had the opportunity he would. He feels no pain and has no remorse. Kids like this need help. They are normal one minute and crazy the next.
I was hoping for a more direct way to contact you, but I don't see any contact information on your page. Understandably considering the sudden influx of readers.
I've been doing some studying recently and have come across a few books that your article makes me think might be useful to you. They are:
Deep Nutrition
and
Gut and Psychology Syndrome (abbreviated GAPS)
The GAPS book is specific to patients with mental disorders ranging from depression all the way up to autism and schizophrenia. It talks about how these disorders can be treated and in some cases even cured by changing a person's diet.
Deep Nutrition is another book with really good, supporting information, about how diet and nutrition affects our heath. Both books show how our health is impacted by all the foods we eat and how what is popularly considered "healthy" eating is far from it.
Please do not judge this parent until you've walked in her shoes. As the sibling of someone with multiple psychological disorders, you can't even imagine the toll this has on a family. My parents did everything within their means to try to help my brother: Love, doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, more love, medication, hospitalization, reasoning, spoiling, punishment, tough love. There are no cures, no answers, and no long-term solutions. With limited capability, capacity, and funding, community resources are overwhelmed by the sheer number of people who need help. Because a vast number of people struggle to pay for housing, food, and basic necessities, support is financially out of reach. The concept of a "normal life" slowly becomes a faded dream. While most parents get to watch their children grow up and leave the nest, others face a lifelong battle to care for someone with special needs. Parental worrying takes on a whole new meaning when your disturbed child grows into an adult who no longer has to obey you. With impaired decision-making skills, it is almost assured that they will fall within the confines of the legal system. Sadly, incarceration becomes a relief because you at least know they are somewhat safe from themselves and may have access to mental health resources. For those of you denigrating this parent, you should count your blessings that you have never known her family's struggle. Liza, I warmly wish you and family continued strength and courage.
Awesome post, KMilbau!
Dont blame yourself, and keep on looking for people or programs or medicine that might be able to help your son. I wishes you wont lose hope.
Maybe, you need to share your difficulties with a support group, it should help at least a bit to vend it out with others that has similar problems as yours.
Thank you for share your story
Well, ASM, I don't know if you are still reading comments... If so, I want you to know you DO have help available. In an odd place, but it is there. I'm a SW/therapist, so I know what I am talking about.
CPS. We think of them as stepping in when there is abuse/neglect, which seems not to be the case here, but there is a second category under which your child can become a ward of the state: "Child in Need of Supervision." You are basically telling the judge that you can no longer help/control your child.
This usually (if the kid is as violent as you portray) involves the state taking custody (though not always legal, it depends) and the child is then eligible for state insurance, which is what you want. As MOST private insurance will not pay the possibly YEARS of Residential Treatment that your kiddo needs. Much better than jail. Trust me.
The goal would then be reunification with the family after treatment is completed, as smoothly as possible, with some heavy duty follow up care usually again for about 6 months or so, and state paid for. Then the case is closed.
The one thing this plan takes is swallowing your pride, admitting you need help to AUTHORITIES who WILL take over care of your child, and giving up a measure of control.
Given some of your other blog posts, I'd imagine this would be hard for you. However, I'm telling you, if you have a decent CPS system in your state, they aren't going to be there to judge you, but to HELP you. The networks of long term care that you need are unfortunately ONLY really available through the public system. Private insurance companies won't stand for it, and you end up with the back and forth you are currently getting. Which sucks.
So, if you are willing to give up Pride and Control in the service of really getting your kid the help he needs (the longer this goes on the worse....) then it IS available for you. Something to think about.... these RTCs are usually pretty good, for the most part. You wouldn't be warehousing your kid he could earn home passes, and etc. He would just get very intensive tx in a safe space where he CANNOT injure anyone. So if you do NOT want to end up like Adam Lambert's mom, this might be a route to take... for your son's sake. I'll keep my eye on the comments in case you want more info.....
I would love to talk to you. I have a 29 year old son who went through much of what you are talking about. I completely get what you are talking about and where you are coming from. I can share some information that may or may not help you, but I think it's worth sharing. My heart goes out to you, your son and your other children. I loved your blog. It was very well written. You are exactly right; this is our biggest problems in the face of recent tragedies people need to look at better access to better mental health care and not just gun control. my email brendahill_idaho62@yahoo.com please lets get in touch.
Dear Liza, what a difficult but thoughtful and important peice--I'm a literary agent and would love to talk to you about turning this into a book. My name is Sasha Raskin and I can be reached at sasharaskin@theagencygroup.com
Dont blame yourself, and dont lose hope, keep on searching for people, programs or medicine to help your son.
I fully understand the agonies you are facing. Maybe, you should share your difficulties with a support group? Guess, it might make you feel that you are not alone. just my 2cent.
Thank you for sharing us your story.
I just want to tell you from the bottom of my heart thank you for writing this post. I heard about your blog on Fox News this morning and couldn’t wait to find it. My brother is 20 years old and is currently awaiting trial accused of murdering an innocent man for no apparent reason. My family and I have been through hell watching him ruin his life slowly for years and watching him struggle with a mental illness that we all knew he had, and knowing there was nothing that we could do. Now as he sits in a jail cell for nearly a year we learn that a psychiatrist has diagnosed him as being schizophrenic. My family is a good Christian family that are all extremely well educated, honest, hard working people. From about the age of 13 we all started noticing my brother and his problem with drugs, alcohol, and acting out. I can’t count how many times he was arrested and sent to jail, how many nights we spent searching for him when he wouldn’t come home, how many conversations we had trying to encourage and help him, how many prayers were said and are being said today. He had been to different counselors numerous times, and had even been to a mental hospital. He was given medication, and would abuse the medication. It was like he was searching for a cure for all of his pain, searching for anything that would make him feel better. As a parent, sibling, friend, or family member what can we do when our youth is lost to the system? When the only cure is sending them to jail, when the parents have no right or say so about the help or treatment that their child needs. You made a great comment about health care. Yes, it is easy to send a child to treatment if you have an extra $15,000 + lying around. My brother was so unstable; you would have to walk around egg shells when dealing with him. He threatened to kill me with a knife, damaged property, and verbally abused myself and my mother numerous times. I must quit rambling now as tears are beginning to stream down my face. Regardless of the crime he may be charged with I still picture my handsome, innocent, sweet little brother with his big brown eyes so full of love and life. I would give anything in this world just to have him home and healthy but I want to thank you once again for shedding light on the problems facing mental illness in this country. I want to thank you for giving a voice to family members of mentally ill children and adults.
I just want to tell you from the bottom of my heart thank you for writing this post. I heard about your blog on Fox News this morning and couldn’t wait to find it. My brother is 20 years old and is currently awaiting trial accused of murdering an innocent man for no apparent reason. My family and I have been through hell watching him ruin his life slowly for years and watching him struggle with a mental illness that we all knew he had, and knowing there was nothing that we could do. Now as he sits in a jail cell for nearly a year we learn that a psychiatrist has diagnosed him as being schizophrenic. My family is a good Christian family that are all extremely well educated, honest, hard working people. From about the age of 13 we all started noticing my brother and his problem with drugs, alcohol, and acting out. I can’t count how many times he was arrested and sent to jail, how many nights we spent searching for him when he wouldn’t come home, how many conversations we had trying to encourage and help him, how many prayers were said and are being said today. He had been to different counselors numerous times, and had even been to a mental hospital. He was given medication, and would abuse the medication. It was like he was searching for a cure for all of his pain, searching for anything that would make him feel better. As a parent, sibling, friend, or family member what can we do when our youth is lost to the system? When the only cure is sending them to jail, when the parents have no right or say so about the help or treatment that their child needs. You made a great comment about health care. Yes, it is easy to send a child to treatment if you have an extra $15,000 + lying around. My brother was so unstable; you would have to walk around egg shells when dealing with him. He threatened to kill me with a knife, damaged property, and verbally abused myself and my mother numerous times. I must quit rambling now as tears are beginning to stream down my face. Regardless of the crime he may be charged with I still picture my handsome, innocent, sweet little brother with his big brown eyes so full of love and life. I would give anything in this world just to have him home and healthy but I want to thank you once again for shedding light on the problems facing mental illness in this country. I want to thank you for giving a voice to family members of mentally ill children and adults.
Hi, very sad to hear that you and your family are going through this. I had similar issues with my wife who is in her early twenties. She tried to commit suicide many times and gone to the emergency many times with nothing getting better. So as my last resort I took her to a spiritual healer. I could not believe that this helped her so much that now to control her fits it takes few mins and I usually calm her down with just talking with her. Just to give an example at how extreme things she did, she would try to run out of the house at night and go into the trees, or cry or scream for no apparent reason or over something that did not go her way. And before her spiritual treatment she would not like to talk or listen when she was on her fits and would think of cutting herself up or drinking bleach and things of that sort. All her doctors could not figure out what was happening and her psychiatrist tried medicines that did help very little by just slowing down her brain which caused many side effects. So email me if you are interested in finding out how or what I did. This, in case you are wondering, is free and I'm in no way advertising or marketing for anything. Just want to help because I got help from this.
Agreed. This is a power play example of what is occurring in the home. Mom could let the child just as easily experience the pitfalls and consequences of "wrong" choices and actions when wearing the wrong pants to school after letting him know ahead of time what the consequences will be. Prompt social consequences are a necessary experience for the intelligent child that pushes that envelope. Power plays with the parent will not save the child the necessary social recriminations the child needs to experience for growth.This child needs those social lumps. Saving him or you from the social lumps and the tears or outbursts afterward is not helping him to grow. That process only helps you from dealing with the after effects of explaining why the social consequences were levied. Preventing him from being hurt or suffering consequences in early years does not teach him to make wise choices, although it eases your job as a parent with a defiant child or a child that throws that tantrum upon the levied consequences.
Your honest post gives a glimpse into what your life must be like. I understand what it is like to live in a home where you never know from one second to the next if the wrong thing said or done will bring on unimaginable horrors - living in that fear and experiencing uncontrollable outbursts are difficult for any adult to experience and cope with - let alone a parent who loves their child but hates what they do. Still - it is worse for siblings of the child especially if younger because they cannot comprehend the anger and fear - living life under these conditions leaves you with a hole that is difficult to fill. That was my life as a youngster in the home with a brother who was diagnosed with schizophrenia - although this was many years ago and at a time when they did not know how to treat any psychiatric illness except to lock someone up - the outcome of which was always disastrous. How much have things changed? What is available to parents now? I often watch Dr. Phil and he has had many episodes discussing children that are violent and uncontrollable and what is needed to help them. He has many resources on his web site that you may or may not know about. But the truth is if you do not have money - no resource is available to help parents cope with or treat these children and that is what needs to change -
This is just an idea--hopefully one in the right direction. It's something I've been thinking about but not sure how to get the idea out there. I think that the publicity your blog--and your position as a mother of a young teen boy--might be a place to start.
I have felt for a long time that our society (schools, technology, travel, etc.) has moved MUCH faster than we ever thought possible. For some, it's hard to keep up.Less than 100 years ago, it was common for boys to leave home around 15 or 16, and while they WERE at home, they had physically demanding chores and responsibilities. They also had time to think, time to process, time to breath, time to run, time to fish, time to play, create, etc. Suddenly, the young human male (who was used to a great deal of freedom) now has the choice of "screen time" which includes intense, violent video games, instant communication, and untold pressures we probably cannot even fathom. How can we expect, first of all, a young boy to choose physical chores over fun and gratifying video games/movies/tv, and secondly, to be able to process any type of emotion, impulse, etc. that comes into his body? It's simply not fair. I have worked with kids and teens for a long time--and when I encounter children similar to Michael, I can't help but think they seem like caged animals. First of all they are forced to sit and be micromanaged all day in school, then they come home and either play video games, or do more homework. They are forces to sit. And sit. And sit. It's not natural, and it's not healthy. So much mental illness has been improved by vigorous physical activity. I have seen it with my own family, my brother in particular. Sorry this is so long, but I've been looking for a way to get this conversation started. I would lobby for working farm schools, less intense schooling, incentives for NOT bringing overwhelming amounts of technology into the home, what else?
My dissertation research at UCLA addressed this very topic. It is time this country start addressing mental health and the needs of familial caretakers.
Nursing Research:
May/June 2008 - Volume 57 - Issue 3 - pp 136-143
doi: 10.1097/01.NNR.0000319500.90240.d3
Getting "to the Point": The Experience of Mothers Getting Assistance for Their Adult Children Who Are Violent and Mentally Ill
Copeland, Darcy Ann; Heilemann, MarySue V.
Abstract
Background: If individuals with mental illness become violent, mothers are most often victims, yet there is little available research addressing how, when, and from whom mothers seek help for themselves or their children when they become victims of this form of familial violence.
Objectives: To describe how mothers understood violence their adult children with mental illness exhibited toward them and to articulate the process mothers used to get assistance and access mental health treatment when this violence occurred.
Method: Grounded theory methods were used to explore and analyze mothers' experiences of violence perpetrated by their adult children with mental illness. Eight mothers of adult children who are violent with a diagnosed Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Axis I disorder participated in one to two open-ended interviews. Mothers were of diverse ethnic backgrounds.
Results: Getting immediate assistance involved a period of living on high alert, during which mothers waited in frustration for their children to meet criteria for involuntary hospitalization. This was a chaotic and fearful period. Fear and uncertainty eventually outweighed mothers' abilities to manage their children's behavior, at which time they called the police or psychiatric evaluation teams who served as gatekeepers to mental health treatment. Mothers accepted the consequences of being responsible for their children's involuntary hospitalization or of being left home with their children if the gatekeepers did not initiate involuntary hospitalization.
Discussion: Mothers can identify signs of decompensation in their children who are ill and recognize their need for hospitalization. They cannot, however, always access mental health treatment due to their children's refusal or failure to meet legal criteria for involuntary hospitalization. Mothers' inability to intervene early sometimes results in their own violent victimization.
Have you ever heard of neurofeedback? It's basically brainwave mapping/retraining to deal with all sorts of disorders, rage, anger, depression, anxiety, add, adhd, ODD,etc etc etc...this could be something that could help your son...it's not well known in the medical community, but is starting to become more known, but you have to hunt for a provider in your area, and usually insurance doesn't pay for it....but it can help tremendously in many cases. Please look into it. I feel for you in this situation, it is a helpless, hopeless feeling not knowing how to help your child.
Have you ever tried swift clip around the ear hole? Worked wonders for me 70 years ago in war time Britain. Far too much attention paid to children's needs today. Send him to school without trousers, that should teach him a hard lesson.
I live with my son who has ADHD and depression and ODD. It is not a easy task to parent a child who has these types of issues. One moment my 9 year old is happy and calm the minute kidzilla appears. My son was hospitalized at age 6. My oldest daughter had a sleep over and me and the three kids walked her friend home. My baby was two at the time . My daughters friend needed to go back to the house to get something she forgot. I was only 10 feet behind the kids as they got to the back gate. ( toddlers walk a slower pace.) by the time i got to the sliding door it was locked, the mudroom was locked. I walked to the front holding the baby it was locked. We went back to the sliding door, I yelled to my daughter to let me in, no answer no one came running. Then I heard yelling from inside. I realized i had my phone and my daughter i hoped had her phone on her. Thank goodness she did. She finally answered after three times trying to call her. She told me my son had a knife. She said she was able to lock her door and told her friends to get into her closet. The end result that day in 2009 was my 6 year old terrorized and threatened three girls with a knife. The police were called he was taken to a regular ER then transferred to a children's psych ward. When you have your kids and the nurse hands you a baby you have no idea that they will have mental illness. We always knew there was something off and by age 5 demanded to see a child psych doc. we have had ups and downs some days are good and un- eventful others are not. I have felt like the worst mom having to admit a child to a psych hospital. I however would do it again if he he needed it.Meds are not 100% a cure for ADHD, ODD and depression for him. he sees his doctors and we talk a lot. His school knows what he has and he has an open door policy to the guidance counselor. I pray as he gets older he will know to stay on meds and see his doctors. I am afraid one day he may snap again, and will i see the signs. I can not predict his future but I will make sure he is always under a doctor's care. It is my job to not turn a blind eye to his conditions but to be aware of them. Thank You for letting me share my story with you.
Bless you for your honesty. You have touched many of us with your story.
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