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| Michael holding a butterfly |
Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.
“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly
belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.
“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code
says black or khaki pants only.”
“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a
stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have
rights!”
“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone
affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re
grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I
will take you to school.”
I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he
terrifies me.
A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to
kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books.
His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and
locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael,
then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single
Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to
scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.
That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a
paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the
local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael
calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for
Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.
We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism
spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have
all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social
workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a
slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of
behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.
At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an
accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off
the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects
ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and
Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when
he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.
Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began
exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to
transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained
school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can
access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through
Friday until they turn 18.
The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to
argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem
remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look,
Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”
“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this
morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”
His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated
rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this
car right now and kill myself.”
That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he
ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital,
no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the
opposite lane, turning left instead of right.
“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where
are we going?”
“You know where we are going,” I replied.
“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re
sending me straight to hell!”
I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving
for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the
police,” I said. “Hurry.”
Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and
hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several
times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than
he is, but I won’t be for much longer.
The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and
kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled
my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—“Were there any difficulties with....at
what age did your child....were there any problems with...has your child ever
experienced...does your child have....”
At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a
position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you
have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No
individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.
For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the
whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to
check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon
as I get out of here.”
By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies
and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t
believe them anymore.
On the intake form, under the question, “What are your
expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”
And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my
own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for
grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.
I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I
am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am
Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their
mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy
to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.
According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders
involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. (http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map).
Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother
Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did).
But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many
people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.
When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he
said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If
he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the
only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to
you unless you’ve got charges.”
I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic
environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t
deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is
using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to
Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons
quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate
mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated
population. (http://www.hrw.org/news/2006/09/05/us-number-mentally-ill-prisons-quadrupled)
With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered,
prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County
Jail, and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment
centers in 2011 (http://www.npr.org/2011/09/04/140167676/nations-jails-struggle-with-mentally-ill-prisoners)
No one wants to send
a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection
to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken
healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another
tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten
classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”
I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a
meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way
our nation can ever truly heal.
God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
3,760 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 2601 – 2800 of 3760 Newer› Newest»7328we need a revolution in how we treat mental illness, most mental illnesses are often linked to altered immune functioning, toxicity, alleries, etc. There are thousands of studies like the following for you to start with. Low vitamin D serum levels, gluten and casein intolerance, highly imbalanced coper to zinc levels (way too much copper not enough zinc. The problem is automatically drugging wiht pharmacueticals by docotrs who have never run any medical testing to find out imbalances with these kids. As well as having them on drugs that cause these behaviors to worsen and destroy their ability to produce serotonin. Food dyes are known from many studies but one undeniable 30 year british study to be linked to severe aggression, add, adhd, etc. They've banned many of these dyes there but in America we leave them in almost everything you purchase off the shelf.I'm sure most docotor's have never approched you about these possiblities and that many treatments can help especially wiht the agression that's because they view mental illness as brain only even though most studies for decades have been showing it's a medical whole system immune dyfunction for varying reasons that effect the brain. I would immediately put him on a gluten/casein/food dye free diet, Have b12, possibly endotoxemia, serum vitamin d levels, thyroid functioning, parasite testing, coper to zinc ratios, etc as well as to check for absence seiures with brain mapping and eegs to find out what is the right treatment plan for your individual child. good luck, here is just one link to one recent study on serum d levels. many many others are available online regarding the other stuff I mentioned.
http://www.ima.org.il/imaj/ar12feb-04.pdf
Sherri Passmore said...
"http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2012/10/21/pellagra-causes-violent-crimes.aspx
This article was written before the Sandy Hook tragedy but speaks to a root of the problem well."
While many consider Dr. Mercola and his associates to be "quacks"....this is indeed a real thing.
How much help they can even give seems so limited even when it's available. These children already have a hard time being accepted at school and then are shunned by teachers and other adults who should know better. My daughter has such a hard way to go dealing with her own issues and it seems her teachers just want her gone. They went as far as removing her bodily from school and taking her to have a suicide risk evaluation done with no permission from family or even notifying us they were doing so. Because she wrote on herself. The marks she supposedly "carved"in her arm were not even visible thirty minutes later. Her principal suggested I put her in foster care and concentrate on my other children.. these people are making it incredibly hard. Though the first years dealing with it were very hard, we do seem to be in a better place at home. She also has a higher than average iq and is always first honor roll student. She's taken up the flute and is a beautiful, intelligent young woman. I do fear that if she had not had us to help her, or had parents who gave up and gave in to the suggestions of the experts she would not be doing as wonderful, but might be one of these lost children who lose everything and lose control of what small hold they have on their reality.
What you wrote regarding the anger, vulgar language, apologies and bargaining, only to revert back to anger when the bargaining didn't work; you could have been writing about numerous incidences that have happened to me with my now 18 year old son.
Thank you for taking the time to speak out! I pray that this time, something is done to help save our loved ones with mental illnesses.
I completely agree with her. Our countries justice system is broken. We can't act on something until the damage has been done. It's the same with level 3 rapists being let back out. They are extremely likely to offend again, but yet we still out them on the streets until they screw up another person's life, or take it. They say to watch for the signs, but when you do, there is no action that can be taken until after they've proved they weren't lying about what they threatened. It's always too late. And it's going to get worse. The media and everyone is just proving that our country is tolerant too long. Instead of fixing the initial problem. Michael is still a minor, which is why he doesn't have a choice about staying in that mental hospital. What about all the mentally ill people that are over 18 and don't think there is anything wrong?
one question: I'm curious. Why don't your prior blogs make any indication about your hardship with this child?
I WAS Michael when I was a pre-teen/early-teen (though I am female, not male)...the rage and impulse-control issues, violent and self-destructive behavior. After years of failed family and one-on-one therapy, my parents sent me to the Menninger Clinic (located at that time in Topeka, KS, but are now in Texas I believe). I spent almost 2 years in inpatient treatment. I think intensive cognitive therapy is needed much more than cocktails of drugs, but the expense of inpatient treatment is astronomical. I am SO VERY FORTUNATE to have been born in a family with the means to help me, to help us all (it wasn't just me who had issues!) Please do not give up hope, there are good therapists, good doctors out there...be selective and expect tough-love from professionals. *HUGS*
I tried to post earlier, and can't find the comment anywhere- so forgive me if I am redundant. Your brave blog post moved me to quickly my story. Your story focuses on the challenges of helping a child ( minor) that you have control over...and the conversation needs to go far beyond that. I have a mentally ill brother ( bi-ploar) that I have had to get involved with more closely since he is now divorced and our parents have died. He is 55, has run a successful business- but refuses to take responsibility for his illness. He is smart, knows how to work the system, and refuses to give permission to any family member to act on his behalf when he is off his meds. He has been involuntarily committed over 20 times in 30 years in 6 different states ( he randomly drives when he is in the midst of a break), and this past summer while trying to help him I became acutely aware of how everything is skewed toward reacting AFTER the fact, rather than proactively preventing a tragedy. Over the course of four months this summer, his former wife and I tried actively to get him committed after we found he attempted to buy a long range assault rifle, was "casing" military bases in three different states and we strongly believed he was planning on hurting someone. The system works like this: you must see or hear the person threaten others ( I live 6 states away). The police cannot act without a commitment order from a judge. Many judges will only consider your request if you have been threatened or observed erratic behavior that has taken place in the last 24 hours. Anectdotal evidence does not matter. Previous commitments and a documented history do not matter. Each incident is treated as if it is a "first" in many cases. There seems to no central data base that follows a mentally ill person- so that when and if they are committed there is a history to build on. I am an intelligent resourceful woman, and I worked every angle I could to get my brother committed before hurting someone. We were successful once, and he was hospitalized for only 9 days- and came out hostile and still sick. He was then committed two more times after threatening his previous psychiatrist, and refusing to show up for weekly court ordered supervision visits. He was eventually put on court ordered supervision for several days a week- but that was only after I found angel clinicians that were willing to speak in "code" or "hypotheticals" to me about what was happening. Several were willing to listen- but could not respond- and eventually refused any contact with me after being threatened with lawsuits by my brother. A central problem is that HIPPA has become a law that allows a mentally ill person to shut out anyone that is trying to help, and seems to even keep hospitals and physicians from sharing information without the patient's permission. So then we have the gun law that states someone that is mentally ill cannot buy a gun- but I am highly skeptical that that works. WE must address so many aspects of this- treatment for younger children, increased resources to support families, the HIPPA law, and gun control. I turned to the traditional resources like NAMI at first- and believe me, they were no help at all! My heart goes out to every family that has a mentally ill family member- we all live in fear that despite our best efforts, our sibling/child/parent may be involved in the next tragedy.
I am dealing with the same thing with my 15 year old. He is becoming increasingly violent. I cannot get the insurance company to approve residential treatment. They told me he would have to "do" something first. When he assaulted a family member, that still was not enough to qualify him for residential treatment. I am hitting a brick wall every way I turn.
You are a wonderful parent in an awful situation. I wish you love and peace. Thank you so much for writing with such clarity.
I am dealing with the same thing with my 15 year old. He is becoming increasingly violent. I cannot get the insurance company to approve residential treatment. They told me he would have to "do" something first. When he assaulted a family member, that still was not enough to qualify him for residential treatment. I am hitting a brick wall every way I turn.
My daughter has had some behavior issues with her kids that seem to be linked to red food dye. They seem much better when she eliminates that from their diets. I wonder if it would be worth trying elimination of gluten, food dyes or other things from his diet to see if that helped you and him? Might be worth a try. Seems like it couldn't hurt and might help. Maybe a Naturopath could help with suggestions. Seems like many regular M.D.s don't even consider these kinds of things.
It would behoove many of you to read her previous blogs. No indication of "Michael" issues there. I think we've been played
Parents need to advocate for their children with disabilities and there are times when a parent has to make very painful decisions. My brother has a developmentally delayed son, he terrorized the family and they feared him. The only way for him to get the help he needed was to Baker Act him. They did, he received the help he needed. He now lives in a group home, works and is relatively happy. His life has structure and meaning. Parents need to know their rights and seek them out relentlessly!
There is no easy solution but there is so much more all our world can do to help your family and other faimly...the thing is it takes people, trained counselors, social workers and many more..and yet they are the first to get cut when a profit driven world tries to feed the beast.
Please everyone, tell your congressmen we need funds for social workers, for case managers, for child psychologists, for great counselors in school, for day programs, for major support for moms and dads. delaney at www.mydocproducitons.com
Parents need to advocate for their children with disabilities and there are times when a parent has to make very painful decisions. My brother has a developmentally delayed son, he terrorized the family and they feared him. The only way for him to get the help he needed was to Baker Act him. They did, he received the help he needed. He now lives in a group home, works and is relatively happy. His life has structure and meaning. Parents need to know their rights and seek them out relentlessly!
I must say, I avoided reading your post for days because of the "I am Adam Lanza's Mother" title. I, like many, think that we shouldn't speak killer's names. I feel it perpetuates the problem of people wanting to live in infamy and committing similar crimes. I think that the need for mental health care in this country has been avoided for ages. It was shocking to hear that you were actually told to get him charged with a crime if you wanted any help. The systems is BROKEN. I hope that if any good can come from this situation it is a serious overhaul of the mental health care system. I am glad you shared your story and helped get the conversation started. Best of luck to you and your son, I hope you both can get the help needed.
As a person who grew up severely depressed from the age of five and the doctors could never tell us why I was a depressed five year old. I totally understand children who are going through emotional issues and then also have to go through the emotional turmoil of the adults around them who don't seem capable of taking care of them. You see the children who are born to you don't need you to ask them 'what is wrong with them' ask 'what happened to you'? You know what trauma you caused your child in the womb and out of the womb but still ask so that you can understand, hear and feel the emotional turmoil inside of them. Children come here pure and clean, it's the environment they grow up in that turns them into the monster you want your child to be. And just because a child grows up in a two parent, affluent home does not mean there is no truama being inflicted in that environment. It is up to you to take care of their emotional needs, not send them to in patient facilities where they will never learn socialization skills, be put on medicine that will cause them to have body tremors for the rest of their lives or cause them to have diabetes by the time they are 21. It is up to you Liza, to not destroy your child's reputation before he is an adult, it is up to you to have meaningful conversations about gun laws and not put the entire blame on a person's illness. Parent's are ultimately responsible for what goes on in their homes. It's not to late for you to get your son meaningful treatment without medicating him so that his brilliant mind is lost.
My brother has been diagnosed with psycho-effective disorder. He has been hospitalized 4 times this year alone in 2 different states. Unfortunately, our parents died when we were children leaving it up to my siblings and I to take care of our brother. I whole-heartedly agree with what you. Our system doesn't recognize that unless they do something to help mentally ill people, these TRAGEDIES will just keep happening.
My brother is a good person, just as I know your son is a good person. They don't want to act that way. They don't want to treat others that way, but sometimes the mental illness takes over and they can no longer control what they say or do.
Like you, we have been told by countless doctors over 13+ years that we need to leave a "paper trail." That the paper trail will make a difference. If it weren't for our family, my brother would be dead or in prison. We have fought time and time again over the years to keep him out of harm's way. But, it is draining. We need support because, like you, we can't do it on our own.
Thank you so much for your words. It is nice to know that we are not the only ones dealing with this issue. Your family will be in our prayers.
As a person who grew up severely depressed from the age of five and the doctors could never tell us why I was a depressed five year old. I totally understand children who are going through emotional issues and then also have to go through the emotional turmoil of the adults around them who don't seem capable of taking care of them. You see the children who are born to you don't need you to ask them 'what is wrong with them' ask 'what happened to you'? You know what trauma you caused your child in the womb and out of the womb but still ask so that you can understand, hear and feel the emotional turmoil inside of them. Children come here pure and clean, it's the environment they grow up in that turns them into the monster you want your child to be. And just because a child grows up in a two parent, affluent home does not mean there is no truama being inflicted in that environment. It is up to you to take care of their emotional needs, not send them to in patient facilities where they will never learn socialization skills, be put on medicine that will cause them to have body tremors for the rest of their lives or cause them to have diabetes by the time they are 21. It is up to you Liza, to not destroy your child's reputation before he is an adult, it is up to you to have meaningful conversations about gun laws and not put the entire blame on a person's illness. Parent's are ultimately responsible for what goes on in their homes. It's not to late for you to get your son meaningful treatment without medicating him so that his brilliant mind is lost.
As to the critics of this mom, for invading her son's privacy:
I do not believe that is really his photo.
I do not believe that is really his (or her) name.
I'm not even sure I believe her anecdotal reports.
I believe she wrote this (a very believable and for many, real, scenario) for the purpose of STARTING A CONVERSATION about the subject.
From reading the comments (>2600 thus far), it appears that she has succeeded.
Please consider alternative causes for the rages--alternative practitioners know that food sensitivities and chemical exposures, heavy metal poisoning, latent lyme disease, etc. can cause rage. Corn allergy is a big one. You can't lose anything by checking it out. See Dr. Doris Rapp's book--Is This Your Child and check out Feingold.org for other diet alteration. I have seen my own children's explosive anger reduced by diet modification. We need to get the word out. Also air fresheners in a new school drove my dd crazy. These things are toxic and they mess with brains!
I believe it`s time to move beyond the question on how to properly handle all those mentally ill and potentially dangerous individuals. The most urgent question is WHY there is so clear pattern of growing numbers of mental health issues in Western world, especially in US. We must carefully and honestly discern the environmental, cultural and economic conditions that are creating and perpetuating this epidemic. The people of modern Euro-American civilization are generally living in the most affluent and secure societies throughout recorded history, yet ever growing numbers of them are not happy in their lives and are displaying severe anti-social behavior. It`s no longer tenable to claim mental disorders "just happen" and since they are "biologically or genetically-based and induced" their prevalence in societies seems to be stable. This is not true and we must face it.
This reminds me of a New York Times article: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/13/magazine/can-you-call-a-9-year-old-a-psychopath.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
I have to wonder, because in so many of these cases, psychopharmacology or psychology doesn't work. Perhaps that's because your son doesn't have a mental condition at all?
I, along with so many of my peers and my parents' peers, have had success with the right combination of drugs or the right therapist, or both. We have benefited from these things for a litany of diseases: bipolar, ADHD, ADD, anxiety, depression, post-partum depression, depression after the death of a loved one or divorce, autism, panic attacks, etc.
NONE of the people I know with these disorders, including those who have sought help in a psychiatric hospital, are remotely violent. They may have issues with anger, but would never dream of hurting their loved ones, even in their sickest states.
And the statistic remains, that you are more likely to be hit by lightning than be hurt by a person with schizophrenia.
I'm honestly tired of people with children who are clearly sociopaths,
a. saying that they have a mental illness, while simultaneously saying they don't fit any of the diagnoses
b. blaming the mental healthcare system, which has helped so many, for not being able to treat their kids. That would be because your child is a sociopath, so stop grouping him with people who have mental illnesses and have sought help
This reminds me of a New York Times article: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/13/magazine/can-you-call-a-9-year-old-a-psychopath.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
I have to wonder, because in so many of these cases, psychopharmacology or psychology doesn't work. Perhaps that's because your son doesn't have a mental condition at all?
I, along with so many of my peers and my parents' peers, have had success with the right combination of drugs or the right therapist, or both. We have benefited from these things for a litany of diseases: bipolar, ADHD, ADD, anxiety, depression, post-partum depression, depression after the death of a loved one or divorce, autism, panic attacks, etc.
NONE of the people I know with these disorders, including those who have sought help in a psychiatric hospital, are remotely violent. They may have issues with anger, but would never dream of hurting their loved ones, even in their sickest states.
And the statistic remains, that you are more likely to be hit by lightning than be hurt by a person with schizophrenia.
I'm honestly tired of people with children who are clearly sociopaths,
a. saying that they have a mental illness, while simultaneously saying they don't fit any of the diagnoses
b. blaming the mental healthcare system, which has helped so many, for not being able to treat their kids. That would be because your child is a sociopath, so stop grouping him with people who have mental illnesses and have sought help
Thanks for writing this. I just wanted you to know that I shared it on my FB page with the following comment:
After what happened, in Connecticut, I kept thinking, "Those children who were killed were my children, they were all of our children." And they were. But ALL children are OUR children. Mothers can't do this alone, like they're expected
to in our culture. Especially when they happen to have a kid who's sick. It takes a village to raise a child. The little ones depend on the adults (all of us, whether we're technically parents or not) for guidance and protection and help when they need it. Those victims were all of our children, yes. But dare I say, so was the attacker. We are failing our babies. We need to come together, to do better than this. (God) help us.
I understand what you are going thru and my heart goes out to you. I have two boys that have Aspergers, ADHD, Terretts Syndrome, the youngest also has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and they have PTSD. I have had to hospitalize both my kids off and on since they were around seven or eight years of age. Now the doctors are talking that my youngest at eleven years of age may need a placement home for a year. I can not even grasp the thought of sending him away for a year. We have our good times and bad times as well. And now adays with the government making cutbacks on mental health it seems harder and harder to get kids help these days. Now they are also talking about me scheduling to get the youngest in for a neuropsychological dr to see if the brain waves and such are working properly and all. The oldest at thirteen when he gets angry and all is harder to control him for he is taller and alot stronger than me already. I have no idea where he gets his strength from. He has already almost broken one of my arms and his brothers arm. I know so much of what you are going thru. If you read all of this post and can find a way to private message me I would love to talk to you and see if there are certain things in your area that may be able to help you. Also, if you get him diagnosed with anything you could get him on soc sec disability and then get medicaid for him that way so that he can get even more help. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I have had to hide knoves and anything else that can be used as weapons as well. It is hard I know and even harder when we are doing it all alone.
"It would behoove many of you to read her previous blogs. No indication of "Michael" issues there. I think we've been played."
Maybe you're right....maybe she's just a good writer who wanted to get a conversation started and noticed....or perhaps she's telling the truth, something that maybe she was ashamed of before, didn't want to face head-on before, and maybe took something like the Sandy Hook tragedy to urge her to speak up with her own experience.
We may never know. The important thing is, people are talking about it....and hopefully, sharing information which will help others.
I'm sorry but, you are not Adam Lanza's mother or any of those other boys. That is a ridiculous statement.
First of all, there is no evidence yet that Adam Lanza had any kind of mental illness. I realise that might be a difficult thing for people to process, and I can see how you might want to leap to that conclusion since you have a violent child, but it's entirely possible that he and your son have absolutely NOTHING in common.
Unlike other people here I am not going to comment on your choices as a parent. I am not an expert. I do not know what's wrong with your son, and I don't know what might help him and what might make it worse so I am in absolutely no position to judge you.
But please think about what you're saying before you compare your son to those who go on killing sprees. He may not be anything like them.
I am sorry and feel your pain. My son was once very difficult and is now a wonderful sensitive, thoughtful, moral, and kind person at 18. The key for me was a psychologist to call to ask for advice at impossible moments. Also, it is so important that they not be allowed to be out of control. When he said that suicide comment I would have said. "No matter what you can't harm yourself or others. I know it feels bad now, but that will pass. " It almost sounds like you brought him to the hospital as a punishment or threat. Did you just want him evaluated? Could you have a doctor or psychologist to call and bring him in to discuss it, avoiding such a huge production. Maybe you were scared he wasn't safe- but then why not say that to him, and tell him he needs help. The more controlled and loving you are towards him, the more he will learn to control himself. It is so important he not be allowed to be out of control- hurting himself or anyone else with the least possible fuss so he can learn to control himself and change. I wish you could have access to a great psychologist and psychiatrist who could work together to help you. Maybe your local hospital has a good child psychiatry program and you could contact the chairman of psychiatry to help you set up a plan and get some help. Good luck- it is so hard and I wish you the best.
There for the grace of God goes anyone's child.
Don't judge this woman until you've walked in her shoes.
Thank you for sharing your story. While on the one hand I do not like the idea of sharing personal details on a minor as it is breach of confidentiality that may affect their lives in the future, on the other hand OUR SOCIETY does not respond to ABSTRACT or GENERALIZED discussion on the topic.
The only reason that people *who have not lived this* are responding to your story is BECAUSE of the details and real-ness that you shared.
The issue of a child putting a family's personal safety and welfare at risk is just terrible and something that not everyone can relate to or believe is real.
There is the issue of the child and the issue of the others in the family. Ideally everyone has a right to health and safety!
Thanks for your bravery. I hope this gets the discussion rolling about mental illness and children and teens. The tragedy in Newtown is not just about guns.
It is a psychological fact that people prefer simple discussions to the complex. It is easier for some to say changing a gun law would abolish these killings, but it does not fix the root problem which is mental illness and it doesn't fix the problems happening in the daily lives of some families either, like what you are living through.
I would like to share more but will not out of privacy concerns, since you are not accepting anonymous comments...
My heart goes out to your and your family.
Dear author,
My heart broke for you when I read your account, and it breaks again as I read some of these comments. I apologize for burdening you with yet another comment to read, but I couldn't leave this blog without placing my mark on the "Support" side of the tally. I only wish I could do more. Please disregard the ignorant negative comments on this post and focus on the positive and productive ones. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story and give so many who suffer in silence and guilt a voice.
Hi!
I VERY MUCH SUGGEST YOU TO READ THIS BOOK:
Alice Miller, "The drama of the gifted child", 1997.
There is also an older version, from 1979, but it actually isn't even the same book.
All the best!
Vesku :D
http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901
Thank you for sharing your story with us. My mommy heart just breaks for what you, Michael and the rest of your family have to go through daily. I pray that this article starts some good discussions and create solutions that will work for everyone. Bless you and your family.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with what must be a heartbreaking situation. I can't help but think that you are NOT Adam Lanza's mother. His mother, according to reports, kept guns in the house and even took him to the shooting range. Can you imagine?
Have you shared this lettr with the President of the United States.
If you haven't I truly feel that you should. Raise your voice a little louder,I will back you up,and I'm sure there many many people that will. God Bless you, God help you....and all of us. Especially the children with mental illness.
Yoga can help your son -- the real yoga that is, the ancient Indian practice of connecting mind and body through breath, movement, and meditation. He must want to do the work. If does, I'd start with alternate nostril breathing (http://www.abc-of-yoga.com/pranayama/basic/viloma.asp). This will begin to balance the sides of his brain so logic and reason will still be present when intense emotions take over. Next, do bumble bee breath before bedtime with him (http://www.yogawiz.com/breathing-exercises/bumble-bee-breathing.html). This will purge his mind of anxiety in his dream states and add greater balance. As for physical postures, I'd get him into a sport he likes, whatever he is drawn to will be best for him. Swimming and running are both very meditative, but even soccer or football would be good. On the physical level, and at that age, discipline and activity are key and any movement will become yoga, the breathing exercises will intensify the healing affect.
There are more things he can do, but if he does these he should start to gain control.
email me if you want more: joseph.schultz@gmail.com
I studied many forms of yoga in India, Southeast Asia, and in the States for many years.
Best of luck,
Joe
Or give the book I suggested you to read to your son if you won't read it yourself. Or you can read it together also.
UGH! Why don't you give your son some good-old fashioned discipline? If I had pulled any of those things with my parents, I would have had a sore bottom for the next two years! I would not dare speak to my parents that way. Come on. Stop allowing this stuff to happen. Discipline him, or ship him off to military boot camp if you can't do it.
I am a retired Jail Administrator for a County Sheriff in Florida.
I must verify the fact that Jails are a collecting point for the mentally ill and high risk suspects. This problem is not one that just affects and troubles the parents/loved ones, but also a problem to Law Enforcement at all levels, especially the 1st Responders Ie.. Police Officers, Deputies, Highway Patrol. Only through verbal interaction with the subject can Law Enforcement tell the person is Mentally Ill.Thus many times the mentally ill person is killed by the Law Enforcement because they pose a "deadly force" threat. The Officers don't know a person is mentally ill. They look like everyday people.
There are no facilities to take these problem suspects except "Jail" and eventually "Prison". Correctional Officers have a hard enough job working with the General Population of the Lock-up facility, add the Mentally ill inmates to the pot and it is a real strain on the Correctional Staff. Yes, there should be a place to treat people that have this problem but most young families that have young children, adolescent or adult high risk violence problems, do not have insurance coverage that focus on this problem. Parents are at a quandary because even they have trouble managing their own problem.
Jail is not the answer, but is the best answer we have at present. This subject should be part of the itinerary of all public facilities, School Boards, City Counsel and County Commissioners in conjunction with the County Sheriff as he is the "Top Law Enforcement Officer" in the County and therefore Community. Neighborhood Watch programs should attempt to identify the Mentally Ill living within the local communities. There are probably more groups to include but this should give the Problem a possible direction that would be better than just going to Jail.
I too am Adam Lanza's mother. Only I have a daughter. She is 22 now and an "adult" It's been a long an exhausting 22 years. It's been an emtional roller coaster not only for me but for my three other children as well. I live in rural Iowa and everytime I reach out my hand for help it gets slapped back down. And you want to know what the irony of it is? She just graduated with two bachleors degress one in Art the other Psychology. She wants to HELP OTHERS and can't get the help she needs.
My heart goes out to you. I have an autistic son that used to have explosive fits of aggression and rage. He had siezure from ages 5 to 17. The more meds his neurologist and psychiatrists prescribed, the worse his symptoms became. It appeared that his brain was malfunctioning because of retro viruses and irregular amounts of oxygen that did not evenly distribute to certain parts of his brain. His temporal lobes were most affected. One of his doctors had a special brain scan called a neurospect performed, which revealed a lack of oxygen distribution. . . . . My son is now 25 years old and does not display those fearsome rages. I hope they stay away. Recently, I saw something about a new type of brain scan that reveals the actual "wiring" tracts within the brain. Temple Grandin, an autistic woman and genius had this type of scan done on her brain for research purposes. If your son has not had the Neurospect Scan nor the other special type of new brain scan, perhaps you could get your insurance company to authorize these diagnostic tools. Perhaps they could possibly tell you and your son's doctors information that might be overlooked. I'm not saying that your son may be autistic. It's just that these diagnostic tools can help to determine a number of brain disorders.
I hope that my comment my be some help to you.
My brother has been in and out of the mental health system for the last 6 years now, since his mid 20's. I can say that he is better off because of it, because he has at least received medication. I can also say that I am very disappointed at how little help he has received toward living a healthy productive social life. It seems that his choices are either to fly off the rails or become completely dependent on the system. I wish there was better support for his family, to train us to become a stronger support network for him. Right now his life is completely government funded and he is stable because the current mix of drugs are still working and he hasn't gotten into enough stress to set himself off for the last couple years. But the worst is not necessarily behind us, and I have to admit that I don't even know how to get ready for what could happen some day. When he is doing well he is the friend I remember growing up with and a loving uncle to my kids. When he is not doing well he is a paranoid schizophrenic reporting conspiracies to high level government agencies. I am very grateful for the openness shared by this author, and I am glad to hear that this post is being shared. Society needs to focus a lot more attention on helping the people who are closest to mental patients, rather than turning all these tragedies into political battles over gun control. Thank you for pointing the conversation in a more useful direction.
I can relate to you in so many ways it feels, in an odd way, good to hear someone else who truly understands what it is like to raise a child with a mental health issue. My daughter is 16 and we are still trying to figure out what is exactly wrong...she is also very explosive at times, (most of the time) threatening me and her sibling, becoming violent and very verbally abusive. Other times she is a such a pleasure to be around. When her mood is good it's great, when it's not it's horrible. She has been on medication since around the age of 9. They originally diagnosed her with ADHD...wrong! Then it was A-typical mood disorder and anxiety, then it was bi-polar and most recently added depression. Her depression and anxiety has been very overwhelming for her lately. As a parent who truly cares and wants the best for your child you do everything in your power to help them- therapy, special ed at school, etc. and you wear yourself out. She spent 4 days in a child and adolescent psychiatric hospital and it helped a lot but to get her to stay was the hard part. Even though I was at the point where I could not handle her at home by myself anymore and the school and local police have all been involved in trying to help and she was depressed and suicidal it was hard to hear that I couldn't necessarily make her stay because of her age. At her age she has the right to decide whether or not to stay and get treatment. If she did not agree I would have to go thru all these hoops and red tape to get her the help she needed. What do you do...where do you turn...who do you turn to for help?! does your insurance cover this or that...there is a waiting list, no beds available, etc., etc. It is the hardest thing as a parent to watch and not be able to help your child. To be yelled at, threatened, "beat up" on a daily basis and to know that your child doesn't necessarily mean to be this way. You love your child and you sacrifice not being able to live a "normal" life because of mental illness. Plus this isn't just one persons illness, the entire family has to deal with it and live with it. Often times I feel mad that my other child has to deal with my daughters illness but I have to remind myself that she can't always control it and she DID NOT ask to be this way. I am a single mother and I often feel very alone in this situation. My friends and their children don't have to deal with this. Even my own family doesn't truly understand because we are all pretty spread out across the country we see very little of each other. Where do you go for support when you feel like your closest friends and family don't understand or support you...
You don't want to throw your kid into the "system" you want to get them help. The proper diagnosis, treatment, therapy, etc. I wish our country would start taking mental health illness a lot more seriously and provide MUCH more education, awareness, resources, and HELP!! I am very touched that you chose to share your real-life experience so others can try to understand better what is really going on. I am comforted in being able to relate to someone else going through the same thing. There are days I'm so exhausted...it's nice to know I'm not alone in this struggle.
(part2)
As far as guns are concerned I'm not one to say what we should or shouldn't do because I believe in the right to bear arms and i see both sides of the argument but I will say that I believe guns are not the problem, the person with their finger on the trigger is. Therefore being responsible for your own weapon(s) is step #1. If you have a child or live with someone who is dealing with unpredictable behavior make sure your guns are locked up and not loaded or don't own ANY. #2- make guns harder to obtain, make stricter laws, especially on automatic assault weapons. #3- Start taking mental health issues/illnesses seriously, don't just look the other way and #4- our country needs to implement a better mental healthcare system period! Thank you for sharing your "story" and thank you for reading mine.
Dorado, PR.
I related so much with the story of Michael. I have a Michael too (fictional name) He treaten too kill himself and my older son too in two ocassions. i hide every knife, scissors or pointy stuff. When he is out of control i have to sleep with a lock door. My younger kids also know what to do when he is "upset" run and hide. Sometimes i can even sleep if he is around the house and that is most of the time. He have sleeping pills but he is 17 years old now and he dont want to take them. He knows that the next time he treaten somebody in the house I would call the cops on him. But as you said there is not much help for them. What should i do? he is my son too and i love him with all my heart too. He have been diagnose with the same as Michael. He takes three pills a day and i wonder sometimes whats going to happen to him when he is full grown. When I, the only one who seems to control him, are no longer around to take care of him. I watch him while he saw the news about the kids, I was glad when he cried with me and said "How can someone hurt those kids like that? Thats horrible" As a mother i know what you are going thru. Its so difficult. You cant sleep well, if he gets upset all hell broke loose, but he still my son, and i love him with all my heart.
This is the story of many families both single parent and intact across America. The siblings suffer, too. They must grow up much more quickly than they should. Those children with educational disabilities and co-morbid mental health diagnoses are summarily rounded up and thrown in juvenile detention centers. When that doesn't work, it's blame the parents and send the rotten kids to jail. This is the treatment for educationally disabled with behavioral issues. Try looking at the percentage of children with disabilities held in detention centers over the past 5-10 years and compare that percentage to the number in regular schools. Jail is the treatment. Doctors will even admit it and school administrators LOVE IT! They love it because it gets them out of their hands... until someone like Adam Lanza has the nerve to COME BACK. Our family's doctor told us if we didn't like how educationally disabled and mentally ill kids are treated we should move to a new country! We had no help and now we have a son we expected to go to college and live a full and productive life will never be anywhere near such a person. Heartbroken doesn't even being to describe it.
Thank you for sharing your story and hopefully starting a national conversation about mental health in this country.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am praying for you and your son and hope there is help for him and your family that finally works and helps him over come his issues. You are doing the right thing by bringing awareness and trying to get help for your son. After Friday's tragic event, what do we need to do,as a nation? How do we get change to occur? We need Insurance companies to cover mental health treatments? We need to change the way we see mental health. Stop the judging, stop the denial and get help. Do not be afraid to ask for help. What went wrong? The systems failed Adam Lanza. His parents did not step up to help him. His teachers(prior) should have noticed something. Other family members, someone, etc. Neighbors, someone should have stepped up.There were obvious clues and signs. We fail these kids whom do not fit in with "normal" society. Parents are either embarrassed, in denial, "not my kid"." My kid is fine". "I know what is best" mentality is what is wrong with our society. We as a community need to step up and help each other. Do not be ashamed to ask for help. Also, Insurance companies, need to approve and support mental health treatments. Help us. We cannot have this continue.
This is an all system failure!
I am not blaming the family but everyone in the community for not stepping up somewhere.
How do I get involved? Where do I go to help make changes?I want the Insurance industry to step up. I want the community(teachers, parents, family,friends and etc.) to step up.
I hope that your post starts to shine light on what we the people should be discussing instead of blaming guns as always. Mental health is a real problem and mental institutions need to make a serious come back. While I don't have the stats I would say the vast majority of homeless are mentally impaired.
As for guns, roughly 160,000 people were credited by police as being SAVED by guns last year. In other words, had those people not had a gun the police believe they would have been killed. Stop blaming guns and blame the people who commit the crime.
Dear Lisa,
I want to give you a hug. ( ) You are an example for moms. If nothing else, you are loved and appreciated by everyone who's read your story.
Other mom's in similar situations can learn from you. I was very impressed at the way you taught the younger children to go to a safe place, and at how you have moved the knives to safe keeping.
God only knows what is causing this in our teenage boys. I am writing my elected officials today urging TWO ISSUES: Better mental health services and better gun control.
P.S.
Lisa, I am praying for you and your children.
Thank you for sharing your story. We do need to raise awareness and address mental illness.
Hi i saw your blog about kids growning up whit mental situations,im scared because people prefered to have in home potencial problem,people IT'S BETTER TO HAVE A PERSONAL WHIT MENTAL ILLNES LOOK FOR HELP FOR THOSE POOR PEOPLE. Tnks
thank you for being so honest and writing this
your helplessness and despair at the situation are palpable
i am going to make some suggestions which you might think simplistic, but i pray that you will at least consider, if not investigate them
there is more and more evidence that magnesium, B12, zinc and vitamin a & d deficiencies are implicated in mood, mind and personality disorders, which are then treated in modern medicine by a cocktail of drugs, which usually have side effects which actually increase and worsen the personality disorder, mood swings and thoughts of self harm and violence
these basic nutrients are no longer naturally in our food chain due to modern agricultural and animal husbandry methods and social adaptation to be more sedentary and indoors
if you live in an area with fluoridated water, the fluoride will leach these essential brain nutrients from your body and prevent you from absorbing them, additionally agricultural pesticides in food and the water table will prevent you from absorbing them to replenish depleted resources in your body, as can drinking any carbonated drinks like sodas, a diet high in refined wheat foods (cereals, baked goods, breads), intensively farmed dairy, chicken, meat, high fructose corn syrup and artificial sweeteners
you mention that electronics are an important part of michael's life, the blue light emitted by the screens of digital computers, televisions, phones, tablets etc, alter the way the brain functions and suppresses the release of important brain chemicals that keep mood buoyant and depression at bay. if michael spends inordinate amount of time on these, they may be making his condition worse
modern day pharmaceuticals will mask the symptoms of the condition/s your son has developed without healing or curing him, proper nutrition and therapeutic levels of supplementation can amend his body and brain chemistry to allow the body to redress the balance and heal itself
as hippocrates said - the body has an amazing capacity to heal itself if given the right conditions through nutrition
there are nutritionists/health advisers/doctors who are becoming more aware of these links and it may be worth contacting one or multiple of these
like dr holick who has written the vitamin D solution http://www.amazon.com/Vitamin-Solution-3-Step-Strategy-Problems/dp/0452296889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355765201&sr=1-1&keywords=the+vitamin+d+solution
or dr natasha campbell-mcbride who has written http://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Syndrome-D-D-D-H-D-Schizophrenia/dp/0954852028/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355766363&sr=1-1&keywords=natasha+campbell-mcbride
or nurse sally pacholok who has written http://www.amazon.com/Could-Be-B12-Epidemic-Misdiagnoses/dp/1884995691/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355766406&sr=1-1&keywords=could+it+be+b12
or dr carolyn dean who has written http://www.amazon.com/Magnesium-Miracle-Carolyn-Dean/dp/034549458X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355766459&sr=1-1&keywords=magnesium+miracle+by+dr.+carolyn+dean
please seriously consider contacting one or more of these health specialists and share your article and story with them, i am sure that they would be happy to consider helping you
even if you decide not to, i hope you have a very happy christmas and that the new year brings you, your family and michael peace and resolution - keep well
I am willing to help . . . I am a parent educator and parent coach. My approach is heart-driven and without judgement. I customize parenting solutions to the family and to the child. I agree, God Help Us All. You may contact me through www.PeakExperienceParenting.com
All the best,
Nita
Your post has stirred what has been in many hearts for so long. We are trying to organize and form a Petition that will go to President Obama about the changes we need to see in the Mental Health system so we do not have to witness more horror.
Please contact me if you are interested in joining with us. My e-mail is vida_5150@hotmail.com. My name is Deborah Fabos and I am on Facebook and Linkedin. I am also a mother of Adam Lanza. Thank you for writing this!
Shame on YOU, Macey. Shame on you.
The best thing that is going to help your son, and others like him, is unconditional love. I hate to say this, but from your letter I get a feeling that you take the wrong approach to help your child. Instead of punitive parenting, medicating, institutionalizing, and other negative things, try to understand your child and talk to him as an equal - not as someone who will be just be punished for what you deem negative behavior. How and when did all this start? What is the root of his behavior? I cannot understand medicating a child with these numbing pills for unproven psychiatrist-made "conditions". How can any parent do this to their children? Read this please and good luck! I hope it makes you look at the problem from a different angle.
http://evergreenedigest.org/batman-shooter-and-his-psyche-drugs
I just want to say God Bless you and your family for what you have to go through. I do not have a child like Michael but I do have a mother like him. Diagnosed with many different mental health disorders over the years, having taken every seemingly possible combination of anti-psychotics, I lived in fear of her every day. I fear her still. I know the look of rage in a loved one's eyes as I have seen it far too often in hers. One moment she could be loving, the next she could snap. A cloud would come over her and my mom was gone, replaced with someone I no longer knew. I never knew what would set her off. She enjoyed causing me pain, mostly mental, in any way she could. Unfortunately, she still does. Last year when my mom started hearing voices and attacking her neighbors because of those voices, there was no one there to help. I wrote letters to her psychiatrist, begged every social service organization and hospital in the county for help, but to no avail. Even when finally hospitalized, less than 24 hours after threatening to kill herself, they released her with a brand new bottle of pills. 12 hours later she swallowed the entire bottle. She survived and now lives in a group home, but the woman I once knew is gone.
"He will know about his mother’s post. So will everyone who knows his mother: his teachers, his schoolmates, his friends, his neighbors, his community members. So will millions of strangers. How exactly does this article enhance her son’s functioning? His mental state? His sense of safety? His ability to navigate the world?"
http://www.disabilityandrepresentation.com/2012/12/16/no-you-are-not-adam-lanzas-mother/
Thank you for this open and honest account of your story. It inspired me to start a petition.
Please sign and share if you agree!
http://www.change.org/petitions/president-barack-obama-u-s-senate-and-congress-enact-stricter-gun-control-laws-and-address-mental-heath-care-in-the-u-s
My brother is a newly diagnosis schizophrenic @ 35. When he was about 15-16 he started all the crazy aggressive behavior. I too knew my families safety plan. I use to hide my sister, once I pulled out the washer and hid us in between the washer & dryer. I remember that one in particular because he was so scary that day. He tried to burn down the house, would choke my mom, steal paychecks, punch holes in the walls. Once be busted every window in the van with his fist and ran off. Then because there was blood everywhere we (my mom, sister, and I) had to get in the car and go find him to take him to the ER. Strangely he never hurt me or my sister physical at least. He was put on Lithium and all sorts of meds, nothing helped. My parents took out runaway warrants he was locked up and released. Until at 18 he got into a fight and didn't stop, he stabbed the guy. The guy required a few stitches and my brother went to prison for 5 years. As he got out of prison and got older he was all ways easy to set off but he calmed way down. He's never held a real job. And that takes me into recent years. He leaved with some girl one day the girl called begging my parents to come get him. He comes him and thinks he's a 'special person' he's God's other son. Cats are gateways to hell, and above all God talks to him a gives him messages. Of course my parents took out an mental inquest and he was out 2 days later. No meds no follow up other than call this doctor type thing. They doped him up and sent him on his way. And he was okay for a few days while he was basically sedated. Few days later I woke up to him praying over my 3 week old son. He was saying my son was special too and praying for his insight. I grabbed a few days worth of stuff and left. The next day my parents took another inquest warrant, the same result. They did that about another 2 times for other craziness. Each time they would change meds but as soon as he didn't take the meds or took the wrong med it was back to square one. THEN one day he was acting crazy (not agressive) in the yard and a neighbor called 911. He went peacefully and was put in for a mental observation. THIS time we got results! They had my parents sign him up for disability and he got a doctor that knowing and CARES about this patients. They aren't the great doctors but my parents can call and say it's not working and the would change the meds or up the meds. The real turning point was I guess the outsider calling the doctors took it seriously and got stable on these meds long enough for him to see what was happening. Instead of just sedating him, then he came home and was like I don't need these meds I'm not taking them. I wrote all this to show you you aren't alone. You have to keep fighting. I know getting the police involved or having neighbors all in your families person business may seem like just as bad as dealing with the behavior but it might just be that answer to your prayers. I WISH YOU ALL THE VERY BEST!!
I just stumbled upon your article. I just want to say I will pray for you and your family- You sound like a wonderful woman and mother and I am SO sorry for what you are going though....Hugs to you
KathieP
No one has said this so I have to put it out there. It's very important. Before you medicate or assume you child has a mental disorder, make sure they are not just experiencing extreme pediatric depression and post-traumatic stress from sexual, physical, or even psychological abuse. Abused children can act out with strange and violent behaviors.
My brother is a newly diagnosis schizophrenic @ 35. When he was about 15-16 he started all the crazy aggressive behavior. I too knew my families safety plan. I use to hide my sister, once I pulled out the washer and hid us in between the washer & dryer. I remember that one in particular because he was so scary that day. He tried to burn down the house, would choke my mom, steal paychecks, punch holes in the walls. Once be busted every window in the van with his fist and ran off. Then because there was blood everywhere we (my mom, sister, and I) had to get in the car and go find him to take him to the ER. Strangely he never hurt me or my sister physical at least. He was put on Lithium and all sorts of meds, nothing helped. My parents took out runaway warrants he was locked up and released. Until at 18 he got into a fight and didn't stop, he stabbed the guy. The guy required a few stitches and my brother went to prison for 5 years. As he got out of prison and got older he was all ways easy to set off but he calmed way down. He's never held a real job. And that takes me into recent years. He leaved with some girl one day the girl called begging my parents to come get him. He comes him and thinks he's a 'special person' he's God's other son. Cats are gateways to hell, and above all God talks to him a gives him messages. Of course my parents took out an mental inquest and he was out 2 days later. No meds no follow up other than call this doctor type thing. They doped him up and sent him on his way. And he was okay for a few days while he was basically sedated. Few days later I woke up to him praying over my 3 week old son. He was saying my son was special too and praying for his insight. I grabbed a few days worth of stuff and left. The next day my parents took another inquest warrant, the same result. They did that about another 2 times for other craziness. Each time they would change meds but as soon as he didn't take the meds or took the wrong med it was back to square one. THEN one day he was acting crazy (not agressive) in the yard and a neighbor called 911. He went peacefully and was put in for a mental observation. THIS time we got results! They had my parents sign him up for disability and he got a doctor that knowing and CARES about this patients. They aren't the great doctors but my parents can call and say it's not working and the would change the meds or up the meds. The real turning point was I guess the outsider calling the doctors took it seriously and got stable on these meds long enough for him to see what was happening. Instead of just sedating him, then he came home and was like I don't need these meds I'm not taking them. I wrote all this to show you you aren't alone. You have to keep fighting. I know getting the police involved or having neighbors all in your families person business may seem like just as bad as dealing with the behavior but it might just be that answer to your prayers. I WISH YOU ALL THE VERY BEST!!
I have been a Police Officer for 21yrs and I cant tell you how much I appriciate what you have written. I agree with you 100%. God Bless you and your family. I pray that what you have written starts people demanding that we make the changes now.
yes so her son has a mental health issue that is severe, nerve-wracking, impossible to live with- all the more reason to make guns high on inaccessible!!!!!!!!!!!
I can totally relate to this story. My ons puts holes in my walls. I totally ignored him. Hes in the court system for having marijuana. Hes in outpatient, but he told the Dr that he used to calm down. Because its illegal they are trying to put him on anti depressants, and no one will listen to me that hes suffering from PTSD and Anxiety after a serious accident. Im counting down the days when hes 18 and can move out. Hes bigger then me and calls me all kinds of horrible names I just turn the other cheek, because I know its the mental illness talking and not my sweet son that I had prior to the car accident. He refuses therapy, but is in outpatient. They are treating the symtoms not the problem and no one is listening to me. I dont know if the suicide threats are real or for manupulation. My son too is off the wall intelligent, but doesnt acknowledge there would be a mental issue. If I could let him smoke marijuana legally and under a Drs care, I definately would. Just to ease his pain.
I am a mother of a mentally disabled child myself. My middle daughter, Maddie is 8 years old. She hits, kicks, bites, punches, tears things up, throws horrific tantrums, and a lot of times, I feel helpless as she is being violent. I feel that parents of children like ours, don't get the support, or the help we need for our children. I have watched my 11 and 6 year old daughters suffer from fear of their sister, and sometimes I fear for them as well. Bless you, thank you. For having the courage to speak out, to say what needed to be said, and shame on anyone who belittles you as a mother, especially if they have NO idea what you are suffering through. Thank you, for giving me courage.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Since my son was 3 years old(he is now 11)I have known that he will be the death of me, literally. It breaks my heart, he loves me so much, it will destroy him to harm me and lose me, but it will happen. My sweet beautiful boy, he deserves better. He has been on mood altering anti psychotic drugs for so long, and has had to suffer all the side effects, but we keep trying. Thanks for your blog, it is sad but to know that I'm not the only mom who has to walk on eggshells around my child in fear of what will trigger his rage, makes me feel a little better--willowbinny@gmail.com
http://www.bukisa.com/articles/16246_10-weird-facts-about-ted-bundys-childhood
"He showed violent tendencies as young as three years old.
His Aunt Julia, Louise's younger sister, recalls incidents of laying down for a nap in her home and waking up to find knives surrounding her and a smiling three year old Bundy at her side. This paints an eerie, strange picture of a toddler arranging knives around his sleeping aunt. "
According to my understanding, psychopathy is not a "mental illness". This kind of pathology cannot be "treated" or "cured". Psychopaths can be manged, but they do not "get better" except in terms of behavior; they can never be taught empathy or to have a conscience. Some people have a dysfunction in their hypothalamus and/or temporal lobes that makes them neurologically incapable of experiencing fear or empathy. Neurologically speaking, they CANNOT have a conscience. So why are we talking about "mental illness"? That seems to be very over-simplistic to me.
Thank you for shareing your story. I have been a police officer for 21yrs and agree that the way we deal with mental health issues has to change. Jail is not the answer in some cases. I will be praying for you and your family. I only hope that you have started a discussion that will bring changes to the broken system we currently have.
I cried as I read your story...you are my daughter...your son is my grandson...we live your life...you live ours...God bless you and your son.....don't give up on him or yourself!!!
This comment goes toward the mother. I am like your son "Michael," no, I never exploded in a bit of rage and threatened to harm anyone, but I do have an IQ that is "off the charts (impossible)" as you would say, and I do tend to challenge authority when rules pushed on me are illogical and have no merit. When it boils down to it, the color of someone’s pants definitely does not matter. He was right on that accord. Your son's anger is in response to your illogical parenting. You are exactly like my mother. Just by the way you exaggerate your story, and act towards his rebellion tells me how similar your situation is to mine. She would take away my privileges when I ever did anything wrong. She wanted to be in control. "Michael" is much smarter than you. Trying to control someone who is smarter than you is impossible. IMPOSSIBLE. Your son has and will continue to lose trust in you, then you will lose him forever. I don’t even have to meet this child to know he won’t hurt anyone. Look at him in the picture. If he was heartless, he would have killed the defenseless butterfly. If you want a relationship with your son that works, one that will make him flourish and not waste away, you need to let him do what he wants. Don’t completely encourage video game playing, find something he loves to do and encourage him to master it. This is the only way. Right now you are failing, and the actions you are taking are probably the worst you could make. Hopefully you are not as stubborn as I think and you will take this advice to heart. Hopefully. Anyone who wants to respond to me, my email is dwmatthews@crimson.ua.edu
No matter what the reasoning, parents who send their children to mental facilities or jail are indeed sending their children to hell. I've been to one of these "facilities" for depression when I was a pre teen, a boarding school for youth that treats puberty like a disease. The levels of discipline and abuse at these places exceeds that of most prisons. The jailers at these places, rather than protecting you from your fellow inmates will join in bullying you. You are broken down, institutionalized, and quite literally in some cases hypnotized. The discipline used in many of these places is illegal under anti torture legislation, but the children here would never tell anyone because then things just get worse for them. If this is the only option for a murderous child then they are better off killing themselves unless a major rehaul is done on this system of abuse and financial and labor extortion.
As a mother, my heart hurts with you as you struggle to help your child. This must have been so hard to write even--yet I believe you will help many other parents in the same position as yourself and bring so much empathy and understanding for children with mental illness and their families. God Bless You.
I am a 44 year old woman afraid of my 37 year old brother. He has stabbed my 38 year old brother twice, once as a small child (in the leg) and once as a teen. He threatens us (his siblings), and has put me in the position of mother since she died. He says delusional things about us, his other siblings having taken something from him and feels we all owe him something. I try to let him know I love him and keep my distance. I am not afraid that he will shoot up a school, but I think he would hunt down his siblings and kill us and our kids. I never thought of this as mental illness because black boys only get labels like poorly raised or ADHD. Now I am wondering. Thanks for writing this.
I do not believe your son belongs in jail either. I work in a Mental Health institute and I've heard almost those exact same words/threats coming from kids his age and sometimes from kids younger and older than him. While I'm no Mental Health Professional but working behind the scenes I've seen the same thing...kids act out like this and all people can think is to file charges and throw them in jail. While sometimes you need to file charges, jail doesn't always have to be the answer/solution. Here in WA State, some courts will send these kids to a residential treatment facility like Linda Q. had mentioned. This is where they can receive 24/7 care and work with the kids to learn how to cope with their anger/disability/frustrations etc so that they can be able to function in society. The ones that I've seen since I've been working here usually have a positive outcome. Don't let anyone tell you that your child needs to be thrown behind bars. That is not the answer/solution!!
Hi,
Amazing and awesome post and I am glad it is going viral.
I come from the other side. I used to work with the chronically and persistently mentally ill. I worked with adults, because I knew if I worked with children it would break my heart.
I had to leave the field after managed care was enacted because I couldn't do my job anymore. Instead of patient care and safety being the primary concern, it became cost.
If anything good can come out of this, I pray it is that we start treating mental illness with the compassion and concern it deserves.
My heart goes out to you and to other families who struggle with this issue. Micheal is very lucky to have you in his corner.
I do not believe your son belongs in jail either. I work in a Mental Health institute and I've heard almost those exact same words/threats coming from kids his age and sometimes from kids younger and older than him. While I'm no Mental Health Professional but working behind the scenes I've seen the same thing...kids act out like this and all people can think is to file charges and throw them in jail. While sometimes you need to file charges, jail doesn't always have to be the answer/solution. Here in WA State, some courts will send these kids to a residential treatment facility like Linda Q. had mentioned. This is where they can receive 24/7 care and work with the kids to learn how to cope with their anger/disability/frustrations etc so that they can be able to function in society. The ones that I've seen since I've been working here usually have a positive outcome. Don't let anyone tell you that your child needs to be thrown behind bars. That is not the answer/solution!!
This comment goes toward the mother. I am like your son "Michael," no, I never exploded in a bit of rage and threatened to harm anyone, but I do have an IQ that is "off the charts (impossible)" as you would say, and I do tend to challenge authority when rules pushed on me are illogical and have no merit. When it boils down to it, the color of someone’s pants definitely does not matter. He was right on that accord. Your son's anger is in response to your illogical parenting. You are exactly like my mother. Just by the way you exaggerate your story, and act towards his rebellion tells me how similar your situation is to mine. She would take away my privileges when I ever did anything wrong. She wanted to be in control. "Michael" is much smarter than you. Trying to control someone who is smarter than you is impossible. IMPOSSIBLE. Your son has and will continue to lose trust in you, then you will lose him forever. I don’t even have to meet this child to know he won’t hurt anyone. Look at him in the picture. If he was heartless, he would have killed the defenseless butterfly. If you want a relationship with your son that works, one that will make him flourish and not waste away, you need to let him do what he wants. Don’t completely encourage video game playing, find something he loves to do and encourage him to master it. This is the only way. Right now you are failing, and the actions you are taking are probably the worst you could make. Hopefully you are not as stubborn as I think and you will take this advice to heart. Hopefully. Anyone who wants to respond to me, my email is dwmatthews@crimson.ua.edu
To UrbanBlog: Not every mother sees this as something to be proud of. We are exhausted, we are looking for joy in anything we can, and it's not always easy admitting your child has a problem, especially when people can be so uncaring and judgmental.
Just got done reading your story. Thank you for sharing. You are a brave woman and for any parent that is going through the same issue, I can not even imagine how this must feel like. God bless you and keep you all for being so strong and resilient.
Thank you so much for your article. I sat in horror watching the events unfold and felt sick like most Americans did that day. Once the details surfaced about the shooter I promptly had a panic attack. My son is also mentally ill. He has spent most of his life in inpatient treatment and my younger son and I live in fear of him everyday. He's my son and I love him but I worry that he will one day irrevocably harm someone. Thank you for speaking out and fighting against the mental health stigma that is unfortunately still prevalent in our society.
I hope you know how deeply your post affected me. As the mother of a son with Asperger Syndrome - who has hit me and others at school in middle of his rage cycle - I have tasted just enough of the fear and despair you describe that I needed to tell you I wish you and your family well. The practical aspects of keeping everyone safe (having a family safety drill, having a way to lock up the knives) take their toll - none of us become moms expecting to have to become experts on mental illness, violence and behavior. You're brave and articulate and I, for one, adamantly defend your right to reach out and tell the world about what you're going through - because how else can we ever find the help that we need to care for the child who is ill and the children in the family who aren't? It's too much to bear alone. So I really appreciate what you've written and the comments you've made subsequently. And I hope it leads to more help for any child (and family) who needs it.
This story sounds all too familiar. My brother was the same way. We begged and begged for help, no one would listen. Court systems said it wasn't their problem hospitals said they couldn't help. On February 14, 2011 I received a call from my brother his voice was very frantic. He was crying trying to explain to me what had happened. He said he was picking up the baby when he heard his arm pop. I told him not to worry I'm sure it's nothing. My sons arm pops all the time. He calmed down and hung up the phone just a little over an hour later my brother calls back this time there was no calming him. He said that paramedics were at the house doing CPR on my 4 month old nephew. He said he had laid him down but after a bit stopped hearing the baby make noises, so he went to check on him. When he found him the baby was coughing up blood and had vomit coming out if his nose. I grabbed my bag and ran out the door and proceeded to run to the hospital. They were able to stabilize my nephew enough to transfer him to the hospital where they work on babies. One hour later my nephew was pronounced dead. In the midst of all this happening police rushed in wanting answers to what had happened to the baby. My brother pled his case on the 16th my brother was arrested. On the 17th i watched a baby be buried. All of this was horrific and devastating to both families. We no longer communicate with each. The next time i was to see the mother and her family was at the trial. A year and five months later. Sadly my borther was charged and a month later sentenced to 60 years in a maximum security prison. So the last memories i have of my brother aren't happy. They are nightmares some nights i try to stay awake so i don't have to relive the horror, but everyday i relive it. My brother has been diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder. He never could afford his meds. Not that they really helped any. I hope Michael can get the help he needs. I hope someone hears your cries and responds. I pray you never have to live through the devastation my family did. On February 14, 2011 not only did i lose my innocent baby nephew I lost my brother as well.
I admire your insightful and in depth revelations about your present and ongoing experience with your son. You are absolutely right. There needs to be a national discussion on mental health. More importantly, there needs to be a national discussion on institutionalization of those who cannot become sound and productive members of society. There was a time when those such as your son and others were institutionalized. Not because they were criminals, but because they could not function in society and they could not be trusted to be responsible for themselves. There are a myriad of diagnosis' and identifiable disorders that should qualify as they once did for committal to state managed facilities where these individuals can receive the medications they need and the around the clock monitoring of their behavior. They don't necessarily require cells, but they do require locked doors and no access to any instrumentality that is or can be made lethal. There are no easy answers for the many levels of mental disorder that prevent these personalities from being able to function in society. There is only one known solution that provides safety to them, their families and the public at large. That solution is to remove them from society and to do what can be done to provide a stable environment for them to live out their days separate from others, where they can never hurt themselves or others.
In Michigan, in the late 80's /early 90's all public mental health hospitals were closed. Yes, we have private hospitals, but if you don't have mental health insurance, you are out of luck. These closings has put our jails into overflow because it is the only way the people with mental health issues can be taken away from the public, for free. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing. This is exactly what people need to be thinking about--not about gun control (although I think that is valid). When someone wants to hurt someone else, they will do it--with or without a gun.
In Michigan, in the late 80's /early 90's all public mental health hospitals were closed. Yes, we have private hospitals, but if you don't have mental health insurance, you are out of luck. These closings has put our jails into overflow because it is the only way the people with mental health issues can be taken away from the public, for free. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing. This is exactly what people need to be thinking about--not about gun control (although I think that is valid). When someone wants to hurt someone else, they will do it--with or without a gun.
If you did send him to jail, please take anarchist out of your name.
I have worried that my daughter would kill my small boys while I slept, stab me in a fit of rage or sneak in the night and stab my husband while he sleeps. She has called one of her small brothers "the evil baby of doom". She takes tests on the internet to find out what kind of angel she is. It showed an Avenging Angel.
We've had steak knives stuck into walls. I've had to hide all the knives in the house on several occasions, one last week.
It is terrifying to have live with these issues. I am blessed to have military insurance which covers mental health issues. We have had to hospitalize my daughter in the past for diagnosis and med changes. My husband now wants to throw her out of the house. I am her only advocate. We have no relatives that can handle her and SSI thinks she has no disabilities. It is terrifying for me. I don't want her on the streets. Who would see that she has her meds?!? There is no place to go. She has no support and can't drive. Even with proper insurance and health care on a regular basis there is no helping these kids if there is no place to go. She is in her early 20's. Our nation needs to have a place to help these troubled kids.
Even when we do our best and are battling on a daily basis to keep the peace, we as parents have to stand up to these violent children and tell them an emphatic "NO!" so many times. I've been hit, beat on. She's slapped my small boys, knocked one down the stairs so hard that he flew. Did she do it on purpose? She doesn't even know where her body is in space. Was this on purpose or an accident? There are never any marks left.....yet. I don't even know where the line is.
I so wish there were something that could be done. I do think that until they make some kind of mental health requirement for owning a gun or even for having one in the home these things will continue. We gave our guns to a neighbor to keep in a gun safe.
I feel your pain, fear, grief and anguish. I share them. In the end we have to do our best to see that these kids meet social norms.
You are a very brave and loving Mother! Thank you for your honesty in such a difficult situation. May your son find the help that he needs.
You are a very brave woman to post this. Thank you for giving us an insider's view into your world. Having recently "baby-sat" a 12-y/o girl with Autism (and a host of other behavioral and social issues very much like what you described your son as having) I have seen and experienced firsthand the terror and frustration you go through on a daily basis. Again, you are very brave and it is obvious how much you love your child! You also seem to be a woman of faith -- as evidenced by your closing remarks on this blog and by your following of faith-based blog “The Wittenberg Door.” That being said, have you ever considered that your son's problems may not be simply chemical imbalances or mental problems, but spiritual problems as well? In Biblical times, when a person sought to inflict irrational harm on themselves and others, it was frequently an indicator of demonic influence, torment or possession. A HUGE part of Jesus' ministry was devoted to giving relief and healing to these people and their families. (check out http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_exor1.htm, esp. the New Testament part) By bringing attention to this, I am in no way blaming you or your son for his condition; I am simply offering another way to think about this complex issue.
While I do not know precise resources to steer you to, I am suggesting that you find pastors/priests and others in Christian/Catholic/Jewish ministry who have the experience and willingness to provide healing and relief from demonic torment, and who are willing to go through the necessary spiritual preparation. You don't have to go through this alone, and as you've already stated, the "solutions" your son has already been given (a cocktail of meds, multiple ER visits, police assistance, social workers, mental hospitals, etc.) don't seem to be working. While I'm pretty sure my suggestion isn't "politically correct" it may be worth looking into. Your son's life, YOUR life, the lives of your children AND other people's children may very well depend on your willingness to investigate alternative therapies. Looking back at the Connecticut tragedy and the others you brought to mind, it might be worth considering...before it happens again.
Have you ever considerd putting him on the GAPS diet, by Dr. Natasha Campbell McBride? She is a brain specialist. Her son was majorly autistic, but she found out what was going on at the cellular level and 'fixed' her son, who is now 'normal'. She has a practise in cambridge and teaches people to correct these illnesses with a specific protocol.
Have you heard of "son-ryse" an excellent program for autist and asperger children? It might be worth looking into. I wish you all the best, and thanks for your courage.
At the risk of missing the mark here, I want to address the medication. My 16 year old daughter has been seen regularly by several psychiatrists and several therapists over the past few years with several different diagnoses from GAD, depression, bipolar disorder, to BPD, to now none of the above. All the while her medications increased in variety and amount. With a combination of zoloft and ceraquil, she pretty much became psychotic and was hospitalized a few times, became violent more than once, attempted suicide and hurt herself badly. She was out of control and her violent behavior was terrifying. After her last episode a couple of months ago, my wife and made the bold decision to defy the pdoc at the time and quit all medication cold turkey. She improved almost immediately. Started seeing another psychiatrist who has been great. She's back to suffering with some depression, but she's also filled with many days of happiness and productivity. We can't even believe where she was during those dark days, but we believe some of these drugs really do more harm than good. Everybody responds differently, and it's worth your attention to suspect his episodes of rage could partly be due to his pharmaceuticals. I wish you and Mike the best.
Macey, I'm glad someone came out and said it. I'd like to add that the institutions many parents abandon their children in are no better for them. Many are abusive, unloving, run by greedy people, and give children more issues to work through later in life. Institutions are the solution of parents who's time is more valuable to them than their child is. It's sad, but blame it on our society, not the parent. It'd the constant consumerist drive that disconnects us from our children and our families to the extent of making us willingly pay out the wazoo to send them away.
I think it's terribly wrong to call different behavior patterns a mental illness. If a person is different, learns in a different way, or responds differently to human interaction, then parents have to learn how to communicate with them and what best way to deal with their feelings, like Victoria Champion suggested here. I think people are terribly missinformed, parents are lost and kids suffer more than they should because of it. That's just how it appears to me. I can only hope more effort is made to help these families.
Thank you for being brave enough to tell your story. I am the Grandmother of a child who has been in and out of mental facilities for the last four years. It took a year of constant emergency room visits and 911 calls before we were able to get any kind of help at all.
Many times the police asked "How could you possibly be afraid of your 13 year old child", they have no idea how strong these children get when they are going through an "incident" as they like to call it.
I agree that the problem is that these children are being mis-labeled and not treated properly.
I believe if enough people get together on this we may collectively get something done.
If you have any ideas or insight as to how it can be done, I will do anything I can to help.
From a heartsick grandparent.
my heart goes out to this mom. In all honesty in this scenario that you're going threw and not a single diagnosis.. i would question the possiblity of severe bipolor on top of schizophrenia. Maybe bring that up to the doctors. i know this post may never be read by the author mother. But just in hopes.. it might. May god bless you, watch over and protect your family from harm. My middle son was recently diagnosed w/ADD... and my oldest has severe repressed anger issues. I too have to Hug him to get him to calm down.. with him hitting me, yelling and screaming.. but after 1/3hr to a full hr he finally calms down (as i just hug him and cry with him) then we talk about what had happened and what he did and how it was wrong. i don't fear for our lives though. it's NEVER gotten to the point like your has. you'll get answers soon.
I urge anyone struggling with mental disorders to investigate the healing properties of Peyote. It's real medicine, from the earth. Real research has been done Find multiple articles from reputable sources. Read about the native american church. make your own informed decisions and stop allowing the doctors and the courts to force feed your children their poisons.
Its very simple. Take your belt off, whip his @$$, send him to his room and treat him like the young man he is. YOu are enabling him, coddling him and actually ruining his life.
Stand up and be a parent and discipline the little $h!t. You might be surprised how he turns around.
I learned a lot from this post. Please try to filter out the wingnuts. You've done something brave that will help a lot of people. Good luck to you and your son.
I learned a lot from this post. Please try to filter out the wingnuts. You've done something brave that will help a lot of people. Good luck to you and your son.
Thank you for sharing your experience with the world. If you are interested, please try real food technology - it has helped my situation greatly! contact me if interested in information poets@mchsi.com THANKS
Thank you for sharing your story and couldn't agree with you more. This isnt just a story about guns... it is so much more than that. Cannot begin to imagine what you are going through, but stay safe, and I hope there is something or someone out there who can help Michael get better.
You have captured my story better than I could have ever written it. My son is 14 years old; we adopted him from the foster care system at age 7. He was diagnosed early on with mental health issues, but no matter where I turned, I could not get help. I pushed psychologists, psychiatrists, school counselors and finally the school administration to listen to me. They all said he was a "good boy" but had "some issues." Some? He's terrorizing my 3 other children, he's destroying the walls and floors in our home, I had to physically take him down in order to restrain him from hurting himself, he was running away and the stealing and hoarding was obsessive. He hit teachers, threw chairs and tables, was placed in a mental hospital twice. He has threatened suicide and threatened to kill me. Yet, no matter where I turn, I get told that I cannot get help until he DOES something. When he started running away in early 2012, we resorted to calling the police. They were at our home every night for 6 nights straight trying to bring him back. When he assaulted a police officer and then threatened suicide, he was taken to a mental hospital. Their solution was to take him off all his medications and start from scratch. That ended up in him assaulting a therapist and getting sedated and placed in a padded room. We are now involved in the court system, and having to pay the court fees for his charges. Before we went to court the first time, he began physically assaulting his younger siblings, causing me to put them in after school care to protect them. In our first court hearing, we all agreed that he needed to be removed from our home for everyone's safety. He was shackled and brought to the juvenile detention center. And my heart broke into many pieces. No mother should ever have to see her child in shackles. In a few months, he was placed in a foster home as the court was against institutionalizing him and felt that a "home-like" setting was the most appropriate. After 4 months at this home, all the behaviors he exhibited at our home began to appear there as well. He had to spend a weekend in detention because of his actions. We are now ready to go to court again this week. While we are scheduled to meet with his PO, foster care worker and attorney prior to the hearing, all they want to do is focus on his actions, not on the mental health issues that are CAUSING these actions. My husband and I have decided to hold a meeting with our state representative and congressman to discuss what we can do collectively to improve the system. In 3 years, my son will age out of the program, he will be loose on the streets, and God help us all. While reading about the CT tragedy, I withdraw into myself and begin preparations of what I'm going to say or do when the police come knocking at my door to tell me my son has either taken his own life, taken the lives of others, or both. WHY MUST WE WAIT FOR TRAGEDY TO STRIKE BEFORE WE ACT?
I read your post and at times it reminds me of my own son. He is only 9 and had to be hospitalized twice, and each time no difference. He has been like this for a few years already, and when we think we are getting closer to a norm something triggers the anger, frustration and so on. Mental Health is not dealt with in a way that it should be, especially for the young. There is only so much that a parent can do to help their child, it is truly like have your hands tied behimd your back. The ups and downs are horrible & when you see the good days, and when they sleep I just cry...why can't others see or feel the way that I do. We have a great team to help us now, at school and home but days like today when he has to get blood drawn and does not want to go to school that you know things are different. Mental Health needs to be addressed in a major way, there is just not enough out there. Luckily we have insurance but I cannot imagine a family going through what we do and no help at all. Truly sad & heartbreaking :( Thank you for sharing your story!
You have captured my story better than I could have ever written it. My son is 14 years old; we adopted him from the foster care system at age 7. He was diagnosed early on with mental health issues, but no matter where I turned, I could not get help. I pushed psychologists, psychiatrists, school counselors and finally the school administration to listen to me. They all said he was a "good boy" but had "some issues." Some? He's terrorizing my 3 other children, he's destroying the walls and floors in our home, I had to physically take him down in order to restrain him from hurting himself, he was running away and the stealing and hoarding was obsessive. He hit teachers, threw chairs and tables, was placed in a mental hospital twice. He has threatened suicide and threatened to kill me. Yet, no matter where I turn, I get told that I cannot get help until he DOES something. When he started running away in early 2012, we resorted to calling the police. They were at our home every night for 6 nights straight trying to bring him back. When he assaulted a police officer and then threatened suicide, he was taken to a mental hospital. Their solution was to take him off all his medications and start from scratch. That ended up in him assaulting a therapist and getting sedated and placed in a padded room. We are now involved in the court system, and having to pay the court fees for his charges. Before we went to court the first time, he began physically assaulting his younger siblings, causing me to put them in after school care to protect them. In our first court hearing, we all agreed that he needed to be removed from our home for everyone's safety. He was shackled and brought to the juvenile detention center. And my heart broke into many pieces. No mother should ever have to see her child in shackles. In a few months, he was placed in a foster home as the court was against institutionalizing him and felt that a "home-like" setting was the most appropriate. After 4 months at this home, all the behaviors he exhibited at our home began to appear there as well. He had to spend a weekend in detention because of his actions. We are now ready to go to court again this week. While we are scheduled to meet with his PO, foster care worker and attorney prior to the hearing, all they want to do is focus on his actions, not on the mental health issues that are CAUSING these actions. My husband and I have decided to hold a meeting with our state representative and congressman to discuss what we can do collectively to improve the system. In 3 years, my son will age out of the program, he will be loose on the streets, and God help us all. While reading about the CT tragedy, I withdraw into myself and begin preparations of what I'm going to say or do when the police come knocking at my door to tell me my son has either taken his own life, taken the lives of others, or both. WHY MUST WE WAIT FOR TRAGEDY TO STRIKE BEFORE WE ACT?
My son is 24 now. Never has been diagnosed, but ended up in a behavior modification program for 24 months - from age 15 through 17. I believe there is spiritual cause to extreme defiance like that. I am convinced that millions of parents don't even realize that evil was invited into their family life through things that glorify and teach witchcraft and rebellion in general. Like Harry Potter books and violant computer games. Garbage in - garbage out. When we allow place for evil in our homes, it takes over and everything right and holy leaves. I am guilty too. I live in the same culture and too many authority (or pseudoauthority) figures and establishments promote evil that hides under the mask of fantacy and cuteness. Our children fall victims to the evil that we don't recognize. My heart goes out to you.
It is heart breaking to know how common this problem is. There is no more lonely situation than to parent a special needs child. The parent of a special needs child with mental illness is doubly alone.
I so appreciate you sharing that the problem is bigger than gun legislation. That the true issue is taking care of the ill individual before they seek a weapon.
Mental illness is swept under the rug so often. We need thorough research, funding, and support for those who are suffering from mental illness and for those who love them.
The only way to stop these terrible acts is to help the people who need help before they reach the point to commit them. No family can shoulder the cost, emotionally or financially, without help. And, they shouldn't have to.
I am praying for you and your family. But, I've held the threatening, violent child while waiting for help to arrive. I know that just praying is not enough.
Thank you for sharing your story. My son is in jail after murdering his step-mother when he was 16. I hear my story in yours. It is unbelievable that I can think "thank god it was only one person" but it's my truth. This conversation is one of the most important our society can have and it's almost impossible to start. Thank you again.
Well as I have read all of these comments let me say being a mother to a child who has any illness is very hard, and to put it off on the mom that is wrong and a very poor judgement. I am a single mother of two children, my son is 4 and when he was born they said he suffered a stroke and he has cerebral palsy and will always be slower than others. then down the road its a different diagnosis, they are saying he has sensory intergration disorder thats why he lashes out and is frustrated. I have tried the typical treat him like he is normal part and it is hard. He does have learning delays but he is smart. Yes he lashes out and yes he is hard to tame sometimes but i try my best to let him throw his fit. He can not speak yet so that is another issue he is frustrated with. Please if you want to comment on how horrible this mother is please dont she is trying i pray you get help...
I too am a mom that has a child like Michael. With my child, there was no symptoms of mental illness until age 4, and like a flip of a switch one day our lives changed, forever. We will never know what caused his symptoms.
Today, my child is 18 years old,he is incompetent according to the state we live in and I am his guardian. He can't just walk out of the program he is in, I will always have to have someone be his guardian. Today he is safe and stable but it wasn't always that way. Over the years he has had multiple diagnosis, med changes, psychiatric evaluations, in and out patient care, trips to ER via ambulance, police escorts, and more. I have had plenty of questionable glances, medical personal who incorrectly judge me harshly, and treated rudely.
The only place that I have found stability for him is at the Residential School where he now lives. He is been there three times over the last six years. He has been moved around to various programs in between and even came home to our community for a short time but in the end he has always ended back at this particular school where he is most successful.
My child needs around the clock staff intervention especially when he gets upset. He is bigger than me, stronger than me and I am afraid of him when he gets angry.
When he was little I envisioned him having a knife against my throat or worse. The mental health system is broken and funding always gets cut where it is needed most.
Please know that you are not alone. There are other parents out there who are just as overwhelmed as you are. Don't stop asking for help. If you have to contact Social Services and ask for volunteer services (tell them you are overwhelmed), ask your school district to get and IEP through the Special ED department for him and pull a team together. Do not feel guilty if he goes to a residential school because he is getting the help he needs. Don't wait because it doesn't get better with time.
Wow. I am really touched at the immense motherly love, care and commitment that I see in this article. I realize that I only have limited information so I hope my comment will be received as a sincere effort to support and contribute and not as a judgement. When I read it, I got the sense of a really smart kid with a critically unmet need to make his own decisions. I can't help but wonder what would happen if the response to his choice around which pants to wear started with some acknowledgement of his choice: 'Yes, you could wear those pants, and if you do..." and then talk about or remind him what the results would be of that choice (maybe how his mom would be unable to honor her work obligations if he has to stay home from school and talk about the financial consequences of that which could result in more than a loss of video games) and let him choose'. Research shows that humans, when they trust that their needs will be met, will choose to contribute to others. Clearly, the child has developed dangerous behaviors and safety for everyone is the first priority, but I can't help wondering if those behaviors are tragic expressions of this unmet need?
If you don't relate to this, just ignore it. It's just me wishing for peace and love for you and your family.
What would happen if children spent as much time in nature as they do with technology. This is how I would begin the dialogue of curing mental illness. Changes in diet and herbal medicine > pharmaceuticals and nature > technology. This is soothing, nurturing, natural, grounding, not constrictive or isolating, allows for releases of energy, on and on ... way better than jail cells. Some may say it's too idealistic, but obviously the status quo isn't working. How can each of us begin the conversations about mental illness in our own communities...?
I think it's terribly wrong to call different behavior patterns a mental illness. If a person is different, learns in a different way, or responds differently to human interaction, then parents have to learn how to communicate with them and what best way to deal with their feelings, like Victoria Champion suggested here. I think people are terribly missinformed, parents are lost, not knowing the best techniques to deal with these situations and kids suffer more than they should because of it. That's just how it appears to me.
What would happen if children spent as much time in nature as they do with technology. This is how I would begin the dialogue of curing mental illness. Changes in diet and herbal medicine > pharmaceuticals and nature > technology. This is soothing, nurturing, natural, grounding, not constrictive or isolating, allows for releases of energy, on and on ... way better than jail cells. Some may say it's too idealistic, but obviously the status quo isn't working. How can each of us begin the conversations about mental illness in our own communities...?
I want to give you hope for the future. My son behaved exactly as yours did when he was young. We were also at our wits' end, having tried everything. When he turned thirteen, we discovered that he was bipolar, which explained his explosive behavior and violent mood swings. Thereafter, he was very happy despite his Asperger's and remains so to this day. He will be 25 next month, has a full time job at a wonderful hospital and will be living independently next year. They told us when he was young that he was ADD, OCD, ODD and psychotic. Fortunately most of these diagnoses, particularly psychosis, were wrong. I encourage you to ask your doctor if your son may be bipolar. This does not usually present itself until the teenage years, but just persevere and believe that you are doing the best you can and will weather these difficult years. Stay strong!
Thank you so much for this article. So honest and truthful. Maybe a voice like yours will show the social system that something must be done to help these parents and these children.
Reading this is like reading a page from my journal. I struggled with my child for 2-3 years before we changed insurance companies and we were able to get the help we needed. Until then I was given the same option of sending him to jail. I just could not. I cannot imagine what my life would have been if he was still like that going into his teens. I agree that something needs to be done to help these children, the family members and parents. We as a society hide our heads in the sand when it comes to mental illness. Something needs to change. Thank you for sharing your story.
Reading this is like reading a page from my journal. I struggled with my child for 2-3 years before we changed insurance companies and we were able to get the help we needed. Until then I was given the same option of sending him to jail. I just could not. I cannot imagine what my life would have been if he was still like that going into his teens. I agree that something needs to be done to help these children, the family members and parents. We as a society hide our heads in the sand when it comes to mental illness. Something needs to change. Thank you for sharing your story.
My son is not quite as violent as yours but he is defiant and will not comply with regular everyday living. I believe he will choose the wrong option everytime he is faced with choices. I totally understand where you are coming from. There is a point when you are unable to control the behavior and no one will help. I have called the police on him several times and like you said they are just waiting for him to kill someone or commit a crime before they will help you. I also don't have insurance for my kids. My workplace supplies me with insurance but I can't afford to have my kids insured on the plan. So the law and social services is all I have to help me. This lack of attention to mental problems creates a generation of kids who do actually commit felonies, but that's what the system requires to get us any help. My heart is with you. I hope you find relief
My brother has mental issues, we are thinking bipolar, and was in and out of mental hospitals in his teens. It is hard for everyone in the family. He now has his own family, him and his girlfriend, who also has mental disorders, have a beautiful baby boy. And the scariest thing in the world is the fact that he got his FOID card, and now owns guns. We let authorities know that they need to stop him from getting it, but it fell on deaf ears. It is heartbreaking knowing that my nephew will grow up in a home of yelling, insanity, and weapons. What is there to do? My family and I have tried to figure out that answer for years, and have come up with nothing. It is nice seeing on here people in the same situation; it is nice knowing we are not alone.
Thank you for being so brave. Our middle son was shaping up to be just like this. We didn't understand why he would become violent or cuss at people when he never saw us doing any of that. He was ADHD, overly sensitive to touch, unable to focus, aggressive and verbally insulting, then in the next moment, a caring, loving brother. He was not on medication.
Then, at around age 5, he accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior while in Sunday School. The change was so dramatic, we were shocked. He still dealt with ADHD tendencies, but the cussing, aggression, and meanness ended.
He is 18 now. Sweet fellow who works with kids in Scout camp, loves music and is finishing up his education at home.
If not for the healing of the Holy Spirit, we would be in your place today. I am praying for you and your son.
I can say, I used to be in a similar position to your son. Not necessarily with all of the documented issues, because my family was too poor to go to a doctor let alone a specialist.
All I can say is nothing was able to help, I increasingly became worse until I found Christ. That was the only thing that has ever been able to calm my rage, give me peace and show me that I can't live in a way that endangers the lives of others, because I will stand before Him in judgement and He loves the people He created.
I hope that helps.
Look into his diet, if all possible cut out all process foods - have a holistic physician do a health evaluation.
I read your post on Facebook and was most impressed how well you presented the case for so many families struggling with Mental health problems.
These children and families are served poorly by our Health services but the worst is that currently not enough is being done to find what underlying cause/s there can be driving these problems.
I have learnt that in many cases microbes can cause these health problems but this is an emerging field. So I will post a few links from my blog France- 10 doctors treated 200 children with Autism on antibiotics 4 out if 5 their symptoms improved.
http://lookingatlyme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/treating-autism-with-antibiotics.html
Prof Montagnier ( Nobel prize winner for his work with HIV) believes many chronic illnesses are being driven by Chronic infections
http://lookingatlyme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/translation-of-prof-montagnier.html
In USA Dr Jones has had similar findings video link in the first link above but also Dr Bhakta is having similar results
http://lookingatlyme.blogspot.co.uk/2010/07/autism-videos.html
I understand there is a doctor in Canada and also in UK who is having similar findings sorry no links.
This was a post about a presentation at this years ILADS conference http://lookingatlyme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/autism-lyme-disease-antibiotics.html
One of the pioneering doctors in this field Robert Bransfield - http://lookingatlyme.blogspot.co.uk/2011/02/outdated-medical-dogma-missing-cns-and.html
Here is a link to an interview with Dr Bransfield about mental illnesses
http://lookingatlyme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/invisibly-ill.html
A recently published paper by Dr Bransfield http://benthamscience.com/open/toneuj/articles/V006/SI0078TONEUJ/88TONEUJ.pdf
Already I know many parents whose children have benefited from treating their underlying infections although they struggle to get mainstream medicine to take this seriously - imagine though what harm can be done if these underlying infections are not treated appropriately let alone the misery these children and their families suffer.
I apologise for the list of links but my blog is not specifically about this aspect and so most would struggle to read and find post related to mental health problems.
Look into his diet, elimnate process foods. Have a holistic practitoner do a physical exam.
As a Michael who was once very much like your Micheal, I could barely read this post without tearing up. When I think of how much I put my mother and father through, how they never gave up on me, it breaks my heart and mends it all at the same time.
I'm 31 years old now. I'm better. I have a good job, a wonderful girlfriend I'm going to marry in the next few years, and a dream of writing for a living that I'll never give up on. (I finished my first novel this year, and I'm shopping it to publishers.)
I swear to you, there is hope.
My step grandson has a problem like this also. He. Lives in my house with my stepson and he's only 7. My heart goes out to you. My stepson lives here too although he's nothing like him. We are at are wits end. My stepson knows there's something wrong, but he's in denial. He doesn't want to face the fact. My husband and I do what we can and he's also in a "special" class at school. We don't know how to treat this 'cause my stepson has full and legal custody of him. Something has to be done! Signed, anonymous
Thank you for writing and sharing this. I'm with you. As much as I hate it, it's oddly comforting to know I'm not alone. this sucks and no one seems to get it or care especially the politicians and rules makers.
It started with my oldest. It's only been 6 months since I can truly sleep at night without fear of her coming in and killing me because I sent her to an abusive situation and glorified babysitting service called public school.
We are now going through this with my youngest. Is it copy or is it bad genes? Our family tree it riddled with mental health issues, autism, and weird neurological problems.
You know it's bad when one of the police who's frequented your home suggest that you learn not only how to defend yourself by taking martial arts classes but suggest you come to terms that the best solution is you taking your own child out of the world if need be because there's no more mental health help.
We have received notice that 6 sessions each a year is all that's allowed because the dc have been in counseling too long. What's that going to accomplish when the treatment plan calls for 3 sessions a week for 52 weeks?
Yes, there are way to get up to 12 sessions but still how's that following the treatment plan.
This was me and my daughter. I spent years thinking that I was going to be killed in my sleep because she was so violent. When she had a rage I would take her to the ER because that's what I was supposed to do, only to have her come right back out and continue to threaten. She spent time in psych wards being wrestled to the ground and put into solitary by the untrained staff of hospital after hospital until I finally said I wouldn't take her home anymore. It wasn't until she was sent to Juvenal Detention for beating up a boyfriend until she finally received the help she needed thanks to a most compassionate judge who sent her to an excellent in-treatment facility for children. It was a long struggle, but she finally was able to conquer the rages. She is now grown with two children of her own. I worry now about her youngest son who is only two, but showing the same signs of rage as she did.
Your family is our family. We have a 12 year old son who has Aspergers, OCD, ODD,and genearalized anxiety disorder. It took forever to get any diagnosis beyond OCD. We were even told to be grateful it was just OCD. Really? What do they know?
We have all our knives up high, and we have a crisis plan--call the cops. It has been a hard, painful experience raising our son. We have our good days, but we have those bad days when we are threatened, sworen at, and all the other similiar experiences you have had.
And like you, we wonder if he won't be the next mass shooter. There is little support out there for individuals who have children like your son, my son. And when they become adults, it can be more complicated unless you claim he is incompetent to care for himself and make decisions.
I often worry about his twin sister. Does she get enough time with us? Do we show her the appropriate amount of support? Does she feel loved and needed?
I agree too, that there needs to be a deeper acknowledgement by our society that mental health illnesses are a serious issue for the individual suffering from disorders and for the families of that individual. Just because our children don't look like they have problems, doesn't mean they don't.
Thank you for your blog, and thank you for helping me see that my family isn't alone in this crazy journey of ours. I hope that you too feel there are others who have the same struggles and know you aren't crazy or doing something wrong.
We all love our children very much. We just need to keep on loving and fighting for them. And we have the courage and strength to do so.
Amey.
Hi - I'm so sorry about your situation. My thoughts are with you. I'm sure you've tried everything, but in case you haven't, perhaps this may be something: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ru6IPFPeTQ
I don't know if there are any clinical studies done recently. I don't know if it's allowed. All I know is that I'm sure you would want to know about it and give it a try. It certainly can't hurt your son. Please continue to reach out - there is an answer, we just need to find it.
Thank you for sharing your story. It has and will continue to shed light on such a difficult truth about mental illness. My heart and prayers are with you, Michael and your entire family and community. Your love for your son is evident but your cry for help is deafening. Know that there are many of us holding you tightly and lifting you up as you continue this journey. @march4ward
You are not alone, and thank you for sharing! Although our families' difficulties are not to the extent of your own, we share in many of the same trials. I'm sure one thing that many of us share is being stuck between the "rock and hard place" of what is currently offered in the way of services for our children. The spectrum of disorders is increasing in range, and the number of children under this umbrella is ever increasing as well! We absolutely need increased research dollars focused on causes, treatment, and services for our children. As with our child, the disorder(s) seem to be complex, and change over time. At present, all services revolve only around PRODUCTIVITY IN SCHOOL. Very little, if nothing, is addressed concerning the mental well-being of our child outside of school walls!!!! I'm sure we also share feeling helpless in the fact that our children seem to make great strides over months of time, only to have new alarming behaviors pop up in the blink of an eye.
Know that you are not alone, that our family will be praying for you, and that there are other parents who blame neither the children, or their parents, for the unfathomable words and actions presented by these lamenting souls. There is no judgement here, just empathy of the pain... God bless your family.
I just LOVE these people who think we don't discipline our kids or think beating them or hitting them will work...guess what genius, it doesn't! It's called mental illness, it's a disease. You can scream and yell until you are blue in the face or hit them as much as you want but it DOES NOT work. so if I take my belt off and whoop my kid and then they pull a knife or gun on me it's my fault for not "disciplining" them. IGNORANCE IS BLISS!! You people that have NO clue what it's like to raise a child with mental illness or watch hopelessly, trying anything and everything to help. Calling the police, going to hospitals, participating in therapy, etc. You have no right to be so judgmental and think you know how to handle these kids/individuals like you have experienced it or think you know how to handle these types of situations with no experience or training, education, etc. Makes me sick...this is what is wrong with America. Hit your kid...that will make them behave. Psychology 101. Your comments are pathetic and uneducated.
You are a mother with good heart that I can tell. I am sure you are not alone and it's good that you have the courage to ask for help as we all do. Check out this book- "Planting Seeds: Practicing Mindfulness with Children." And also you can find related books once you search it on amazon.com. They are all good for both parents and children any age. I think it will help you and your boy. Best wishes!
Dear mother,
Call Be In Health today! (706) 646-2074 http://beinhealth.com/public .... This is from a parent that understands!
God Bless!
Hi! I'm a fellow blogger and came across your blog from a friends referral. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I hope for only the best, there has to be some medication to fit his needs, maybe something they have never tried before.
A few days before this horrible tragedy in CT a friend called me crying wanting to share her own personal story with me. She has grown children but her 18 year old son threatens to kill his sister and himself and wishes her dead. I tried to explain to my friend that she needed to get help for her son. He seems so normal to an outsider but there are some underlying issues that my friend truly needs to address. My mother suffered from a form of mental illness. I don't think she could control her words or actions and never would admit to a problem. I lived with it everyday and as much as you hate saying those words about your child or even your deceased parent, it's time to stop sweeping it under the rug and for us all to stand up as a nation and do something for all these people that suffer this horrible thing called mental illness.
I wish you all the luck in the world and you are doing the right thing.. Even if sometimes it doesn't feel that you are. You have to protect yourself and your children and even including Michael from himself.
As a psychiatrist, I am disturbed by jumping to the conclusion that these shooters have mental illness. I think that people get confused on this issue because there are multiple instances in which a psychiatrist can treat a people, not all of which are secondary to mental illness. I think they can be broken into 3 categories.
1) Many people, who see psychiatrists, are completely psychologically healthy and high functioning (the "worried well"). They come in for advice or coaching on parenting, career advancement, personal fulfillment. They often pay out of pocket for this service because it is not a mental health issue.
2) People with mental illness who have psychiatric diagnosis such as major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc. These people are almost never violent.
3) People needing behavioral control. Antipsychotics were for a long time called major tranquilizers. And they are really sedating. Psychiatrists often prescribe them in the prison setting or to out of control children to basically sedate them into better behavior. These people do not have mental illness, and they are often aggressive.
I think that it is really important to keep these distinctions clear and not label these shooters as mentally ill. It is hurtful to people who actually have a psychiatric illness but are good people, and worsens the stigma surrounding mental illness. Also, it creates empathy for a group of criminal psychopathic animals who are not deserving of that empathy.
You delete the critics but allow posts like this.
" I would suggest you take your child to Russia or India and have him lobotomized before he kills one of your children, or yourself."
Posted on December 15, 2012 9:30 PM
Please get help. Please turn your children over to someone less stressed. You all need a vacation from each other.
Dear mother,
Call Be In Health today! (706) 646-2074 http://beinhealth.com/public .... This is from a parent that can testify it works! (For Their Lives - children's program)
God Bless!
Macey, how can you be this stupid? You only berate the woman, never give her any real suggestions on how to address it. You call her all sorts of names and then say his behavior is somewhat NORMAL?
Sure, lots of kids say "I hate you", much less say "I am going to kill you." and none that are stable pull a knife and try to kill you!
What would you even suggest she do? Love him out of it? She is trying to love him, but he is threat, her own life and the life of her other children are at stake. Possibly the lives of kids in school. She plays nicey nicey like you are suggesting, she will do exactly what the shooters parents/family/teachers have done! Not fix the issues.
Now, I have no idea what more can be done. I admit that, but I know that this nation treats mental illness in 2 ways: Oh you poor baby, you can't help it, and You sick monster, I m ashamed I ever met you. NEITHER WORKS!
I actually didn't realize that you wrote this on your blog and it was posted over on bluereview. I want to thank you for writing this, and opening up discussion on many things. I posted over there under CVK and many people were full of questions, discussions.. I don't even know where to start. Thanks.
Thank you for sharing your story. It defiantly is hard to be a parent of troubled children. i have 2 myself... and i was one myself...its amazing how alone you feel when all you want to do is find help for your child and there is none to be found. Health care professionals are not trained for this kind of thing... and when you explain it to them it never sounds as bad as it can be. i fight the battle with myself as much as i do for my children and everyday its like you are on the edge of your seat trying to brace yourself for the next outburst. its frighting! its even more frighting when you turn on the news and one of your childhood friends are on there guilty of an amazingly haynes crime. There is a way to stop this! We as parents of these children need to step up in force and demand more/better services for children with such deeply seeded pain, because that's what it is, its pain and emotion that needs a lot of guidance and correction. i know first hand, because i very well could have been one of those who over reacted and caused the world such deep pain. it is possible to get better.. i did, have been and forever will be finding ways to keep myself and my children in a better (mental) place. I help my family thrive by educating myself on the illness and finding creative ways to defuse my children when there emotions are trying to get the best of them.
If we as parents stick together will win this battle! We are strong and need to believe we have been "given" these children because we are strong enough to help them!
This was amazingly insightful. My heart goes out to you, as a mother, for your daily challenges, and I commend your courage in speaking out. God bless you.
I am so sorry you and your childs must live this. No one should...
I admire your courage to write this text. It has touched me a lot.
Good luck. I wish you happiness someday.
I see the parallel between Ms. Long being the mother of a mentally ill child, just as Adam Lanza’s mother was, but I think it ends there. Although her son has violent tendencies and is extremely unpredictable, when he does act out, it seems as though he gets treated. The police were involved in both of the mother’s accounts to help restrain her son and transport him to the hospital since he had exhibited violent tendencies, but what would have the police done if Adam Lanza’s mother called the police before December 14? Would they have taken him to the hospital to get treatment because he sat in his house for weeks on end just playing with his room full of computers? Or, maybe he had delusions that the cat, dog and goldfish were all plotting to get him (no joke, this really is a disturbed person’s reality). Prior to last week, Adam Lanza was a camera shy, quiet, eccentric who had a psychiatric diagnosis that has never been associated with violence. I’m sure that other psychiatric disorders manifested themselves as Adam Lanza grew older but what would have happened if his mother had called the police to have him transported to the local mental hospital to be treated? Nothing. The police would have come, asked some questions about his behavior, determined it to be odd, and then they would have gone on about their day. Even if the police had transported him to the hospital, the then adult Adam Lanza most likely would have had to sign a consent form for treatment. But Adam Lanza would not have thought that he needs treatment because in his mind, he does not need it, and (here’s the most important part) the hospital would not force treatment on him because he is not a danger to himself or others.
I do not mean to minimize the plight of Ms. Long, as her circumstances are certainly dire. I hope and pray that her son is cared for and that she is able to get the proper treatment for him but there are also thousands of other mentally ill people out there who never pick up a weapon of any sort but are denied treatment for their condition, by their condition. The government, in the interest of protecting individual freedoms, is effectively denying that freedom. My schizophrenic mother, who is no threat to anyone and who has over 40 years of psychiatric history, refuses to be treated and has not received treatment in over ten years. This is not because my father, siblings and I want her to remain sick; it is because we are powerless to do anything. Even though she responds very well to medication and is the sweetest lady you would ever meet (when treated), she has long been denied the freedom to enjoy her life. I would love to help Ms. Long if I could but could someone help us all?
Macey Speaks the truth. I am not saying it isnt hard. But you need to look at yourself. Open your heart to your son and realise he is hear to teach you. Not the other way around, I had difficult relationships with my family for years. My mother and I have healed our relationship only when she started to see how destructive her behaviour was. Up until then I was sent to psychologist, and expert and feeling absolutely dreadful about myself. While my parents acted as though I was mental and "poor them". It took a long time and alot of self work to realise I am ok!. And My parents perfectionism was what blocked them from loving me thorough difficult times. My husband and his family taught me what true love and total acceptance in a family looked like. I am not saying I am Great and my parents were bad. Not at all! there were times when I was so horrendous it was awful- But I wasnt mental- I was lacking in love, Particulary self love. And believe me if your child is 13 and already feeling so sad he wants to kill himself - You have work to do. Being a parent challenges every fibre of our being. Do not give up on your son. He needs you. I needed my mother too. I am thankful every day our relationship healed. She is so precious to me. We went through alot together, huge soul searching but she is so much more compassionate now, and so am I. I want to hug your son. Please Dont forget what he needs your love and acceptance. I want to hug you too. But you are the parent here. You have to make more room in your heart for him. Please listen To what Macey said. I feel there is much truth in her comment.
Dear M's Mother,
I'm 19 now but when I was younger (10 - 13/14) I was exactly like what you have described your son to be, and now 5 or so years down the line it has all worked out very well, I'm at uni and haven't killed anyone so far.
I'll say what went through my head when I got onto the 4th floor window ledge and threatened to throw myself to my death, when I ran at my mum with the two biggest kitchen knifes, when I gave her a black eye and laughed at how pathetic she seemed...
I'm deeply sorry for what I did and I wish it never happened but maybe if it didn't I wouldn't have turned out as well as I did..
But yeah sorry for the background thought it was necessary. Basically when you are smart as your Son seems to be and when you have limits imposed upon you, you think they are wrong you think you know youself better than your parents you start to develop a rebellious side which can turn to extremes as you are smart you have the mental capacity and understanding to know what will hurt your mother the most. And you do it, I'm not sure totally why but all I can say it that it is a strange power trip which seems to switch the power relationship between mother and son. You (the son) feels as if you have conquored your mother which also leads you to feel as if you conqured the world almost because a mother it like mother earth, the giver of life. Sorry went on a tangent..
Basically this extremely violent both physically and psycholocially, behaviour I think is the way a child breaks a bond with his mother and grows in a way if it works out.
It sounds as if you are a single mom, my mother too and i'm not sure if the shooters had single mothers too, i'm not sure. But One thing I would advise would be to use the father if possible and if not to find another man who can constrain your son, because really the govornment is going to do nothing...
I got arrested by my mum all it did was make me hate her more because all I wanted to do was to be able to do what I wanted, and I thought that I knew enough of the world was smart enough and lived in a fantasy world of stories of young kids doing what they wanted and I associated with that thinking that I knew what real life was like yet each year I knew more and more and grew up more and more and now I love my mom more than eveer.
The solution wasn't to get state help but to get family help. When she told family of what I did when my father eventually came over after her calling him for hours, that is what constrained me and stopped me from doing radically stupid things.
I think that the answer is within the family domain and not the state domain as the two wrolds are not suited to each other. (the family is where people help eachother, the state is where everyone pretends to help each other but rip each other off)
I hope this helps in some way and I am sorry it is messy. But I'm sure your Son loves you and it is only a period in his life where this is happening you just have to stay strong and if you can't get friends or family to help because as a woman I think your son may believe that he can or will very soon be able to overpower you and tip the power balance in his favour. But once this happens he has to realize that it is not right and needs to recognize how much you really bring to his life.
Funnily enough almost all of the violent arguments I had were because of limiting my access to a computer or video games...
My heart goes out to people who have children with "mental illness". I'm certainly NOT saying what has happened to all these innocent normal children had anything whatsoever to do with them. My God, I've prayed for all of them. What happened to those fine children is the worse tragedy a family could EVER go through. Yet we as a nation has a huge problem with mental illness. My step-grandson has a form of ADHD OR whats that other one called when they have highs and lows, extreme highs and lows. He's only 7 and has been attending a special school if you will. He hard to manage. He thinks everyone and everything hates him. He's got a rage for animals unlike I've ever seen before. His father is in denial. (my step son). We all see it. It's just hard for, well let's just call the father (troy) to do this on his own or so he thinks he is. The problem with that is, he won't let us help. This didn't come from anyone on either side for the most part. I think it is what it is except for the fact of all of these "atrocious, malicious, video games". They DON'T HELP! AND THEY'RE CERTAINLY NOT WELCOMED IN THIS HOME! YET WHEN HE SEES HIS MOM AND STEP-DAD ON THE WEEKENDS, THEY LET HIM PLAY STUFF LIKE "RED DEAD REDEMPTION" TO NAME ONE. Why? She knows good and well there's something wrong with him? I am thankful my children didn't turn out that way. But now I have a 7 year old grand step-son who's in a "special school", has a father who has full and legal custody of him in my own home. Ive spoke with "troy" many times about "damon". We can't do ANYTHING ABOUT IT! What in Heavens' name can we do before it gets worse? Signed, anonymously worried
I do hope someone responsible listens to you and finds help for you. People don't seem to appreciate that some kids are just further "out there" than others, through little fault of their own. Nobody wants to help until after the trouble has occurred.
I too have a child that is challenging. I am not saying you are a bad mother. I feel your frustration and fear and it is valid but did you consider that your reaction to his violent outbursts only escalate things. He is clearly looking for stimulation and attention by saying these outrageous things and he got it but it was negative. Now its just a bad habit. He knows your buttons to push and he pushes them and the payoff is the attention is no longer focused on the library books and he doesn't have to worry about returning them because of all the other drama caused. I know because I lived it. I have been in that cycle where I was telling my child "you will not talk to me like that or I will..." but all that really does is increase the anxiety they already have and escalates things further and once you go there you aren't coming back. Sometimes its better to just shut up and tune it out. What a lot of therapists have found instead of yelling what you won't allow or threatening locking someone up when they are in crisis which is counter productive is just to stop and hug the person applying deep pressure. I know its not easy to remain calm in this situation believe me I fail all the time but meltdowns have become less in my home when we have a routine and plan in place. Maybe instead of freaking about returning library books you could have simply let him suffer the consequences of not doing so and then maybe he would not overreact. Sometimes its as simple as choosing your battles and knowing your limitations. With a child like this, library books might be late and you may not be able to do normal things people do but if you recognize this and stop expecting him to perform a certain way it might be easier for all of you. I'd like to know where the other parent is. He should be helping if you can't manage it and if you can't there are places that will help. If you are really that afraid you can have him committed which may seem mean but better than him killing people if you are really believing he would do that.
I just spent about 30 minutes writing a comment....... F(INSERT MASSIVE SWEAR WORD HERE)
just quickly I sound just like your son bu tnow im 19 and its all good.
Ran at my mum with knives, stood on a windowsill and if i dropped i would have died and i would have if she acctually came into my room.... the list goes on and on
BASICALLY do you have a husband/ does the kid have a father?
State help never worked for me the only thing that did was family (caused me to be ashamed of what I did) and calling on my separated father (He was the only 1 that could hold me back, and he didn't even have to as for sum reason I calmed down when he came (think because my IQ is wayy high (which doesn't mean shit btw) I was very cunning and wanted to play people against each other...)
Sorry for a terrible post as i say i spent about half an hour writing one and it didn't go through.....\
FAmily father figure - no govornment because it will only increase hate toward you.
Goodluck, stay strong (the most important part) DONT GIVE UP!!!!
I see that you referenced God in the end of your story, so I will assume you are a Christian. This may sound silly, but if this was my child, and I was at my wit's end, I would consider an exorcism. From what I know about this stuff, which let's face it isn't too much other than what I've seen on TV, they have been performed for centuries.
I would venture to guess that many of the households that have these types of kiddos in them do NOT have an alpha male to counteract the violent, unpredictable behavior of the younger male.
We have done this to ourselves as a society. We have done away with good strong male role models: fathers. We don't understand why we as women can't just raise them ourselves and have everything be hunky-dory.
There are consequences to our, as a society, depriving children of their right to a father.
We'd rather drug them than to face our responsibility and the part we played in causing their anger in the first place.
It is so sad.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. We MUST begin a dialogue that allows us to talk about mental health care and remove the stigma.
I too am a mother that has walked as many miles in your shoes as a mother of a son that is 13 has the same multiple diagnosis(and possibly more) as yours. I too have had to put my guy in the child psychiatric unit to get him help and new medication over haul while there.
I too get scared of what the future holds for my son .
I would like to join you and stand up to say that
I TOO AM ADAM LANZA'S MOM!
It is a struggle as a mom of a son with a duo-diagnosis always striving to find the right doctors ,mental health people,medications,education,advocacy. I have to say that I have had my share of battles and I know that there will be many more. Mother's like us need to get together to help each other because on this road in which moms like us drive , ride or walk, a lot of people don't understand or don't care to understand why or how and are negative towards kids and people with mental illness along with ASPIES,ADHD until some mass shooting,murder. Then parents that don't understand mental illness,learning disabilities decide to find info to understand after the fact. But one last thing please contact me at 4.boys.houseofmeyhem@gmail.com and I want to add you to my eblogger as well as google plus. I live here in Boise,id .
Hello Soccer Mom,
I cannot fully fathom what you are going through, and I can understand what difficulties you have to deal with.
I ready your article in a local paper in Florida and it got me thinking. Maybe it's the medication? I was looking at some of the side effects of "Zyprexa" and I found this "While olanzapine is used therapeutically to treat serious mental illness, occasionally it can have the opposite effect and provoke serious paradoxical reactions in a small subgroup of people, with the drug causing unusual changes in personality, thoughts or behavior; hallucinations, and suicidal ideation have also been linked to olanzapine use."
I know from your description your child is a good kid but maybe it's the medication which is compounding the issue.
I think you are doing the best you can, just take a look at the above and look for yourself.
Those who have said their child is difficult but they would never call the police have not experienced the full form this behaviour can take. A child like this would say he was going to get out of the car on the highway and then open the door to get out. Not a threat, not a game, not a manipulation but simply a statement of furious intent. A boy I know attacked people with knives, including himself. He smashed up the house several times. You couldn't 'just hold him' but rather had to pin him down as the only way to stop him hurting himself or others and it is surprisingly hard to hold down a ten year old. There was no shame or remorse or dejection, waiting in the wings for love and forgiveness to release, but only a blind, irrational rage, defending an inner sense of serenity, impossible to access through words or action from the outside. These cycles of behaviour are not like the behaviour of 'normal' children and are poorly understood by professionals. No one supports these parents, not even the police.
After reading the blog about Micheal, all I can think about, is that his behavior is so similar to that of my older brother. My brother was diagnosed with having both bipolar and schizophrenia. I remember how everyone in my household always had to walk around the house on egg shells, out of fear that we would do or say something that would set off one of his episodes. I remember growing up going from loving my brother to hating him. It is sad that I had to grow up in a household where because of my brother's mental illness and his unpredictability we had to sleep with our doors locked and that every knife in the house had to be hidden. Living in that home, with him was living hell. It got to the point that, when he tried to commit suicide, I grieved and was sad because he was not successful. I feel so terrible, when I say that because I know his illness, is not something he can control.
Thank you for having the courage to speak out, and to do so, so eloquently.
Kill him and know that he will never do what any of the others have. You cannot cure what he has, you cannot stop what he is. You can only post these silly blogs hoping that someone will have a solution, but no one will. Why? You cannot cure crazy. It is more elusive than cancer. But cancer only kills one, crazy kills everyone.
You are not Adam Lanza's mom, because you took away all your possible weapons. Adam Lanza's mom collected guns and kept them in her house knowing that her son was not right. That's the difference. I agree that we need to address mental illness in this country, but you should not be comparing yourself to Adam Lanza's mom. You are better!
God Bless You and your son. I too have lived with this pain.
I have tried to read a lot of the comments as I had time today. Some very good ones. Seems there is a lot of mental illness out there, some diagnosed and treated and some note. It furthers my thoughts from the weekened that, at a minimum, there needs to be coorindation from the mental health sector and the federal NICS background check that would prevent those that shouldn't have guns from getting them. I wrote about this over the weekend in a short blog.
http://tinyurl.com/cxoasfa
I forgot to mention that it was hard to get my son into the psychiatric unit that night and a few times before that because no one in the er wanted to sign the papers and seemed scared to send at the time a 11y.o to the in patient unit. I was turned down and away several times before I had to tell them that I was not leaving until something was done. It seemed as I look back now that the er doctors only know when to send a adult for help but won't or can't don't know when to for a kid.
Angie
Liza, I wanted you to know that I hear you and your call for help. How can we help? What are the avenues? Direct us and we can mobilize to support you and others like you that find themselves caught between love and responsibility. If the question of Newtown is more about mental illness then gun control then how do we have the discussion? Where do we have the discussion? Deepen us. We are listening.
Hello Anarchist Soccer Mom,
Maybe this might be helpful? I found this the other day.
http://tinyurl.com/cgzkg5c
Wow...I have had a chance to read some more of the posts since recently posting. To those who offer books on parenting, to the professionals who offer comments on over-identifying children as having mental illness, to those stating a need for more love, and to those who think the conversation needs to revolve around culture and TV: Except for the fact that your ignorance helps the cause of bringing more attention to our children, YOU ARE WASTING OUR TIME, and your own. I particularly love the comment stating that we should give our children over to "less stressed" individuals. And after reading multiple posts from psychology professionals wax eloquent on the issue, I am even more thankful that we made the decision to stop shoveling money in their direction some years ago. Thank you to those who are sharing resources that have truly helped. Believe me when I say that your post is easily discerned from those who do not share our plight.
Do you have contact information so that I may speak with you? Your story is my story right now and my son is 7 years old. We have been through many doctors and medications. Nothing seems to work for him. Some work for a bit and then it's all down hill. He is so angry all the time especially when he is coming off teh medications. I have even took him to an ALternative Health Physician to get help. I need to know what to do before he gets older and it's too late.
@dimindcutr- i feel bad for you...based on your comment you seem to be more ill than any of the children/people discussed here. i suggest you get some help before you are the next one on the news.
I appreciate this blog thread.
Listen to this interview and watch the movie "Food Matters" I believe it will change your life.....
http://www.project.nsearch.com/video/dr-mercola-interviews-dr-saul-about-niacin
Listen to this interview and watch the movie "Food Matters" I believe it will change your life.....
http://www.project.nsearch.com/video/dr-mercola-interviews-dr-saul-about-niacin
Your solution could be a simple vitamin supplement!!!
I beg you to read this article!
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2012/10/21/pellagra-causes-violent-crimes.aspx
I certainly am not in a position to give advice on this so important subject of "molding" human behavior to young kids. I certainly can say nothing about mental illness. I can only talk about cases that are mild forms of kids behaving badly. I am a parent of two boys and a husband of mi wife of 25 years and I can tell you that it has not been always easy to "live" with behavior I find different from mine. My approach to keep things under some sort of control has been to try to predict and avoid escalation of an argument. And that includes arguments with the kid(s) as well as my wife... :-) What's so wrong having a kid, on a bad day, go to school in the wrong uniform? Why do we have to escalate things so easily? I don't believe that "grounding" a kid just so that we "teach" them a lesson is necessarily a good thing. Most boys go through a period of angry years. Some more severe than others. They rebel against any form of authority. I find that healthy when it's done in the proper measure. We would still believe that the Sun revolves around the Earth if people did not have the urge to question authority. Most boys have an epiphany sooner or later and all those parents who kept lax control avoiding the "snapping" of the relationship are rewarded with relative happiness and normalcy afterwards. I have imagined, but cannot comprehend, what it would be to call the police on my kid. In Michael's mind, the story could very well have registered as follows: "I didn't want to wear so and so pants. I told my mom. She objected and she called the police. She is with them. She doesn't love me." In most cases, prison is not the answer. And, from what I understand, albeit it from a layman's point of view, mental institutions are not that much better either. One's "home", when well run, is the best "mental institution". But it is hard work to run a home well and most families are struggling to make ends meet. We have had all kinds of productivity gains over the last century and the disappearing middle class still has no leisure time to enjoy family life and pursue happiness. I apologize for the rambling but I want to finish saying that we have have become too rigid in most things we do. We don't compromise at work, we don't compromise in our politics, we let things escalate and have much more difficult time dealing with their ramifications later. Let's all "relax" a bit.
((hugs))
Soccer Mom;
I read with dismay your story. But I wondered about 2 things. Have you ever tried a diet with no wheat, dairy, soy and corn? It sounds hard but it is worth the effort. Please look at www.dogtorj.com. They are curing epilepsy in children in 24 hrs. by this diet change. Might it not help other problems? Also gmo foods are wreaking havoc on brain and body. Is he on any meds? They cause suicidal thoughts as I'm sure you know. Please try the diet change- look online for ideas and recipes. Stay strong. Martha
I can't imagine what you and some of the commenters go through every day. It makes me sad. Mental illness should be a million times more important to society than it is. My own family brushed it out of sight. "Just get up and do something..." was supposed to be the answer.
This is also my son, i think you honestly took the words right out of my own mouth. Thank you for saying them outloud. My Michael is now 18 and that brings all new fears and struggles. Thank you again!
You are so brave to share this. And to take action. I hope you and your family keep safe and get the help you need.
What a brave post you've made. What a powerful perspective. What a horrific problem our society needs to begin figuring out.
Your words are sadly so true! I'm from Québec (Canada), student in law school. I go to practice criminal law for the defense. Too often we are faced with individuals who suffer from mental disorders. Without follow they lost their repair, found to live in the street, do not take their medication and are often found to use crime to survive. Your situation is VERY different, but it is time that our elected officials understand that mental illness is a reality. Investing in mental health care, family assistance, supports is a way to invest in reducing crime. I'm with you wholeheartedly! (Sorry for my bad english, i speak french)
The ACLU caused the closing of mental facilities and putting the mentally ill out in the streets to fend for themselves to 'protect their civil rights'. There was no way to ensure they take their meds or had a place to sleep. The results...Homeless freezing to death in doorways or taking their demented "revenge" out on innocents.
Everyone who has posted here that has a child, sibling, etc with mental illness should read the links posted by Joanne. Infections such as strep/Pandas, Lyme Disease, mycoplasms, etc can cause serious mental illnesses. Google Dr. Virginia Scherr and Dr.Charles Ray Jones, "Saving Sammy" book and treating Autism in France with antibiotics. My son and nephew were both seriously mentally ill as children and young adults. Severe rage, hearing voices, depression, threatening murder and suicide on many occasions. Psych meds, behavioral and shock therapy did little to help. The only doctors who finally saved my son and nephew were doctors who treat chronic infections long term. It took many years but they are both functioning well and go back into treament for their diseases when needed.
Thank you for sharing! I pray you find healing for your son. So many things Prescribed by current medical practices are hurting our children.
There is so much good information here: www.gaps.me
Please check it out.
Liza, thank you for your courage and for showing all of us how we can come together even in the midst of pain and disagreement. I applaud you and Sarah for your post and as a mother am gladdened by this show of community in the face of tragedy.
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