Friday, December 14, 2012

Thinking the Unthinkable

Michael holding a butterfly
In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.

Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.

“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.

“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code says black or khaki pants only.”

“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!”

“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school.”

I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me.

A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.

That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.

We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.

At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.  

Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.

The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look, Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”

“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”

His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this car right now and kill myself.”

That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital, no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the opposite lane, turning left instead of right.

“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where are we going?”

You know where we are going,” I replied.

“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re sending me straight to hell!”

I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the police,” I said. “Hurry.”

Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than he is, but I won’t be for much longer.

The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—“Were there any difficulties what age did your child....were there any problems with...has your child ever experienced...does your child have....”  

At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.

For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon as I get out of here.”

By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t believe them anymore.

On the intake form, under the question, “What are your expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”

And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.

I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.

According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. ( Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did). But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.

When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you’ve got charges.”

I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated population. (

With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered, prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County Jail, and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment centers in 2011 (

 No one wants to send a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”

I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way our nation can ever truly heal.

God help me. God help Michael. God help us all. 

This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at


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Steve said...

I see your point but don't agree.

1. She changed her son's name.
2. In just a few years, he won't look anything like the photo of himself in the article.
3. And most important, removing her article would deprive all of us of a vital understanding of this problem.

She is doing a public service, and deserves both empathy and praise.

Unknown said...

While I know this post is older, it's a lot similar to what I'm dealing with with my son. He has seen 8 doctors now because none seem to get him the help he needs. He's been hospitalized for short term and that hasn't helped. I'm worried he will be getting charges pressed against him and that's something I do not think will help him nor that he needs. He's been diagnosed with too many diagnoses to mention them all with the most recent being odd and cd. However, any medications they have put him on has not helped. I can't send him back to the mental health facility because in my state every one of them never has an open bed when he has his episodes. The local hospitals always send him back home right after and the episodes continue. Recently, his school had called me, which is an alternative school for those that can't manage in a traditional classroom. They were concerned of just how angry he got and how his eyes batted and looked like it wasn't even him in his eyes. This is exactly what I've been telling doctors I also see during his rage. I'm at a lost of where to go from here but I sure don't want him in jail. I feel like the doctors aren't helping at all and they are just trying to dope him up instead of get answers which isn't helping at all. While I did not realize just how many other parents have gone through this same thing, I've stressed that more people should be made aware of mental illness. I'm also sure other parents can relate when I say it makes me feel like I'm failing him because I can't get him the proper health. Something even worse happening is one of my biggest fears!!!

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I read this year's ago, and it popped up on my feed again. I haven't searches for update but have you ever heard about PANDAS/PANS. He has classic symptoms especially if psych drugs are not working.

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Thank you for your time and energy to keep people talking about this topic. My son has also struggled, but we were fortunate to help him early on, and he is doing well. My concern is other youth, who I see, who are not getting the help they need. I appreciate your time!! Best wishes to you!!

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Unknown said...

I think she is scared. But what her son is doing is more grandstanding than substance. Yes it's hard to believe, but I have DID and my alter would do the same things her son did. Would he actually kill someone? No. But he uses fear to get what he wants. That's what I see here. She needs to understand it's a way to control her. And doing what she did will make it worse. She needs to figure his issues out, not make a climate of fear where any infraction results in hospitalization. She's using mental health treatment as punishment. That will make it harder for him to want and accept help. Hospitals do not exist as a "if you do that again, this is your punishment ". She uses it as a reinforcer. That's gonna make him worse.

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Unknown said...

I agree, something must be done, there are many children out there with mental illness and the healthcare system doesn’t know what it’s doing. There should be more options instead of prison. As Ms. Long states “that’s the only way our nation can every truly heal” I agree if we were to talk about this and how bad it is hurting the nation, people will then start to see and realize. But they won’t because they only want to notice when something bad has happened. And that’s the truth.

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We invite you all to participate in our new business and project funding program, We are currently funding for Business start-up Business developments, Business acquisition Business expansion, Project funding and Working capital etc.

This Funding program allows a client to enjoy 3% low interest rate and payback period of 1 to 15 years. We can approve a loan/funding for up to a Million Dollars, Euros, Pounds or more depending on the nature of business we are currently funding for and we satisfy our customers’ financial needs and help them succeed

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jeffrey cage said...

Get $10,050 USD every week, for six months!

See how it works
Do you know you can hack into any ATM machine with a hacked ATM card??
Make up you mind before applying, straight deal...
Order for a blank ATM card now and get millions within a week!: contact us
via email address:: or whats-app +1(323)-723-2568

We have specially programmed ATM cards that can be use to hack ATM
machines, the ATM cards can be used to withdraw at the ATM or swipe, at
stores and POS. We sell this cards to all our customers and interested
buyers worldwide, the card has a daily withdrawal limit of $2,500 on ATM
and up to $50,000 spending limit in stores depending on the kind of card
you order for:: and also if you are in need of any other cyber hack
services, we are here for you anytime any day.
Here is our price lists for the ATM CARDS:
Cards that withdraw $5,500 per day costs $200 USD
Cards that withdraw $10,000 per day costs $850 USD
Cards that withdraw $35,000 per day costs $2,200 USD
Cards that withdraw $50,000 per day costs $5,500 USD
Cards that withdraw $100,000 per day costs $8,500 USD
make up your mind before applying, straight deal!!!

The price include shipping fees and charges, order now: contact us via
email or whats-app +1(323)-723-2568

HouseCall MD said...

For this kind of illness, there is a need of Emergency House Call Doctors

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