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| Michael holding a butterfly |
Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.
“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly
belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.
“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code
says black or khaki pants only.”
“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a
stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have
rights!”
“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone
affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re
grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I
will take you to school.”
I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he
terrifies me.
A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to
kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books.
His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and
locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael,
then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single
Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to
scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.
That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a
paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the
local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael
calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for
Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.
We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism
spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have
all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social
workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a
slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of
behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.
At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an
accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off
the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects
ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and
Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when
he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.
Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began
exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to
transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained
school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can
access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through
Friday until they turn 18.
The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to
argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem
remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look,
Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”
“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this
morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”
His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated
rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this
car right now and kill myself.”
That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he
ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital,
no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the
opposite lane, turning left instead of right.
“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where
are we going?”
“You know where we are going,” I replied.
“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re
sending me straight to hell!”
I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving
for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the
police,” I said. “Hurry.”
Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and
hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several
times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than
he is, but I won’t be for much longer.
The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and
kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled
my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—“Were there any difficulties with....at
what age did your child....were there any problems with...has your child ever
experienced...does your child have....”
At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a
position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you
have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No
individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.
For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the
whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to
check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon
as I get out of here.”
By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies
and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t
believe them anymore.
On the intake form, under the question, “What are your
expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”
And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my
own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for
grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.
I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I
am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am
Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their
mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy
to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.
According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders
involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. (http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map).
Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother
Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did).
But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many
people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.
When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he
said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If
he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the
only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to
you unless you’ve got charges.”
I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic
environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t
deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is
using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to
Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons
quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate
mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated
population. (http://www.hrw.org/news/2006/09/05/us-number-mentally-ill-prisons-quadrupled)
With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered,
prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County
Jail, and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment
centers in 2011 (http://www.npr.org/2011/09/04/140167676/nations-jails-struggle-with-mentally-ill-prisoners)
No one wants to send
a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection
to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken
healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another
tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten
classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”
I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a
meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way
our nation can ever truly heal.
God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
3,760 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 2201 – 2400 of 3760 Newer› Newest»Thank you. You are not alone. People who don't live it can't understand. You penned the words that have been in my heart since Friday. This conversation needs to happen.
I will pray for you and your son. Thank you for sharing this. I have faith that you did the right thing for you and your family. God Bless you all.
I have been thinking that Adam Lanza MUST have been in the mental healthcare system. From what I understand, his family had money and the child/man had an undeniable sociopathy based on his inability to socialize at school or move out of his mom's house, etc. So, sometimes, even with very obviously sick people--or not so obviously ill people--these tragedies can be unpredictable. Just as you stated, Soccer Mom, that random things trigger your son. This is why--though I support improving access to, affordability and quality of the mental-health segment of the healthcare system, gun-control must be enhanced on a federal level, as well. Thank you for sharing your story.
I am soooo happy that you wrote this. I am a preschool teacher who has spent the last 11 years trying to make parents realize that admitting there is a problem does not make it your fault. I have been stabbed, bitten, kicked, punched, had chairs broken over my back and have spent far more time than I should have in the E.R. I almost cried when I read your honest account of what it is like to spend time with a special needs child. I cannot thank you enough for sharing this. It is infuriating to hear the words "He doesn't do anything like that at home" but even more heartbreaking to know that there is so little in the way of resources for those who admit they need help.
@Macey is spot on - perception is reality. Change your perception and you change your reality. Period. Doing some research on the hormonal changes that take place during the teenage years would also be helpful.
I am soooo happy that you wrote this. I am a preschool teacher who has spent the last 11 years trying to make parents realize that admitting there is a problem does not make it your fault. I have been stabbed, bitten, kicked, punched, had chairs broken over my back and have spent far more time than I should have in the E.R. I almost cried when I read your honest account of what it is like to spend time with a special needs child. I cannot thank you enough for sharing this. It is infuriating to hear the words "He doesn't do anything like that at home" but even more heartbreaking to know that there is so little in the way of resources for those who admit they need help.
I need to post another comment after reading some of these comments here. People cannot understand what it is like to live with a child like this. They will not get it. That is OK. Take what they say with a grain of salt, they mean well. Stay focused and don't let them get in your head. We are good parents in a difficult situation doing the best we can. Surround yourself with people who get it. It makes it easier to know your not crazy and gives you the strength to do what needs to be done. :)
My prayer tonight is that a social worker or another person of authority removes your children and places them in a safe environment and that you receive the help you need.
Thank you for your courage. Has your son been evaluated for PANS/PANDAS?
http://pandasnetwork.org
http://intramural.nimh.nih.gov/pdn/web.htm
Best wishes.
First of all, Im a mother to a mentally ill 10 year old. He has an extremely high IQ, cute as a button, lovable, and great personality. he also has ADD, ADHD, ODD, reactive attachment disorder, bipolar, anxiety, depression and has been hospitalized twice in the past year for violent outbursts. he has only done these at school. he all out attacks teachers and students for no apparent reason. he has threatened to harm himself and others. he has hit and hurt his little sister in private and hurt our family pet. hes been on meds out that wazoo, therapist, doctors, psychiatrists. ive begged for help. ive been told he has no police record and the police do nothing because im not present during the violence. the school is not help. they just want the $ for him being present and being in "special ed." he is in this room for isolation because of his violent outbursts. anyone who bashes the parents of a child like mine or others that are worse have not lived with one. feeling helpless...begging for help andbeing turned away. our mental health system is awful and i blame this for a majority of the reason why these people go off on rants and start killing. noone will help them. they are told they are fine. but on the inside they are raging and lost. I love my children, ive done all i can. but nothing seems to help. i see these murders and fear that one day that could be my son. but i will fight that it is not. he is too smart and personable to lose the battle with this illness. since he is not this way at home, im turned away 98% of the time for any aid. police, therapist, psychiatrists, caseworkers, DFS, etc....they know it all. the only reason ive gotten the smidgen of help i have is because in 12 days of school this year...my son had 99 violent aggressive behaviors towards his teacher/students and she wrote a 40-50 minute by minute detailed report for his doctor. i look at him and wonder what happened to my bright happy baby....what happened that made him unhappy?...those people hating on here or anywhere else has never felt like a failure because you cant fix your babies boo boo. So, to michaels mother.....im in your corner.i feel your pain. and if it means anything to you....im here if you need to talk. you dont know me...and i dont know you. but we are bound together in a way. my email is ladyhitt2009@hotmail.com if you ever want to talk. my heart goes out to you. i hope that you, and i and all the other children, parents, and anyone else that suffers from mental illness gets the help we all deserve and need. thank you
Seriously? It sounds like a normal teenager who is tired of being bullied and ridiculed by his mother. Teenagers do say bad things sometimes, they can be defiant, but is this cause to drop them at a mental ward or call the police? Get a grip lady! Secondly, In the wake of the tragedy that took place in schools, what makes you think you should be using this terrible time to get attention, all while the rest of the country is worried sick about the state of this country. What an opportunist!
Praying for your son and your family.
I wanted to applaud your bravery for sharing your story and I will share it on my blog and facebook page to help spread your message. You couldn't be more right.
May you and your family find answers and peace.
Mari B.
I, too, have a son in his mid 20's. Brilliant when in school. Served honorably for 4 years in the Marine Corps. Did a tour of duty in Iraq and came home a completely changed kid having lost his faith in God. Because of the nature of his military service, what he did or didn't do is classified and we cannot discuss it with him nor can civilian therapists or university counselors, only military medical personnel. He has and continues to seek help from military medical staff, but my pets get better medical care than he does! Because he was in the military the state gave him a conceal and carry permit. He owns a handgun that he carries at all times and he knows how to use it. I believe he is a time bomb waiting to go off, but his age and military service make it impossible for me to do anything to help him. He has a fascination with death having taken a drug designed to simulate near death experiences. Because of his age and "secret" military service, NO authorities will help us. The military seems disinterested. He was not raised in a single parent home. He has always had his mother and I in the home for him. He has a family who loves him and he knows it. He has had a great life, until IRAQ! I pray every day for my son and hope what just happened in CT is not HIS next action. If it is, I suppose there will be a bunch of "experts" writing on the Internet about how I must have caused it, too. This father's life is now more devastated then even the innocent victims families. This mans son caused the devastation and that is a far bigger burden to bear. Can't people see that? I pray people will leave than man to his pain and misery and move on with their own lives. He too, no, especially, is in my prayers. Those little children are peacefully living with God now.
My 10 year-old daughter was most recently diagnosed with dysexecutive syndrome (in addition to previous diagnoses of ADHD, OCD, & ODD). Her future is uncertain and she has also been on a variety of anti-psychotic drugs and anti-depressants. I feel for your ongoing concerns for Michael. Thank you so much for this post.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I need to tell you that the medications psychiatrists prescribe sometimes make the problem worse, especially the SSRIs. Please see Dr. Peter Breggin's book Medication Madness. Also, neurofeedback can be very helpful in calming and stabilizing someone like your son. Google ISNR or EEG Info or EEG Spectrum to find a practitioner.
My heart goes out to each and every parent who has ever dealt with a child with these issues for lack of a better term. At 3 years old our pediatrician said unless someone has a child like this they can't possibly understand what your going through. That is the one thing he was right about. 13 years, multiple therapists, medications and tears later life is quiet for now. You just never know when the next whirwind will hit. So I make the best of everyday and try to make sure he knows how much he is loved and cherished sadly it never seems to be enough.
You are not alone. Many of us have children and loved ones suffering from mental illness.
All I can say it to never, never give up you'll find the right psychiatrist that can identify what Michael has and can help him.
Blessing Be.
As a sibling of a sometimes violent dev disabled sister, i have to say that always being on alert for a sign to go into the car and lock the doors is no way to live. I think that difficult, heartbreaking decisions may have to be made to protect and support the other children, if you wont make them to protect yourself. The other children are experiencing trauma and will have PTSD.
My son just turned 12. This story describes my life. I had to make the hardest decision of putting him in residential. He has been there since the beginning of November. He struggles daily but for everyones safety I know it was the right decision.
I know exactly what you're going through... If you don't create the paper trail now, though.. You could end up in my shoes, along with my mother... Look up "Christina M Kipkorir" on google...
She is diagnosed as "Aspberger's", and has Lyme's disease and Bartonellosis... The combination of the 3 conditions are extremely violent. She's been off the charts since age 3, and now she's a convicted murderer...
If you'd like to talk to me about things that she did and how it was handled, please feel free to email me at serbayj@gmail.com -- it may not help you directly, but at least it will help guide you on things *not* to do, or maybe point you in the right direction.. My biological half-sister terrorized our mother.. and continues to do so... Thankfully she doesn't really know that I exist, because I was adopted.
Hi all,
Hope this helps someone. Here's the story of a child with behavioural issues who was healed http://abchomeopathy.com/forum2.php/318835/
Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone. Until we look at mental illness as a disease of the brain, people with mental illnesses will continue to be stigmatized and ostracized in our culture. Shame on humanity for thinking it is a matter of bad parenting!
Child was different. Prob a bit feisty, impatient, the baby.... Then the shrinks get him. Put him on Zyprexa??? First six side effects (read black box warning, not for people under 18) are irritability, hostility, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, suicide, homicide. THE DRUGS ARE WHAT ARE DESTROYING YOUR CHILD'S MIND AND BEHAVIOR! Obstinancy Defiance Disorder???? Give it up. He's just being a kid. We WILL find out, as in all the other school shootings, that Lanza was either on or withdrawing from one of these prescribed poisons, SSRI's or SNRI's (Zyprexa!).
Thank you so, so much for this post. It is just what many need to read to cause them to think about what a family endures during a child's mental illness and how little control the parents are able to have. I know others in your situation, and I salute you for sharing your journey and thank you for gifting us with a powerfully informative look into the homes some of these kids come from; homes where the family does everything possible to attend to the needs, present and future of mentally ill kids. I wish your family good luck, health and peace. Thank You!
Please look into www.truehope.com. It is a supplement that has helped kids like your son when meds have not helped much.
Drug companies want us to see EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM WITH LIVING as diseases of the brain. Stop the Pharmaceutical industry from drugging everyone out of changing the system or situation that's upsetting, or learning to tolerate that life can often be upsetting. The labels are fake. The diagnoses are a hoax. The drugs are causing the damage.
Hi, Liza;
I am so glad you posted this. Since you have been searching for help to see what is up with 'Michael" for a hellish long time: I almost can guarantee it is biochemical. In other words, his brain is literally off balance in some area. After all, you have 2 (or 3?) other perfectly normal children so it cant be you and your parenting, etc. That makes no sense at all. And it can be helped:
YOU MUST check out Dr Daniel Amens work! Many years ago when I was convinced I had ADHD (I dont), I read a book of his where he had been partially responsible for bringing a new, even at the time controversial brain imaging technology, SPECT, to the forefront of brain science. And what he found over and over again is that the hundreds of brain scans he did showed various neurological deficiencies that were biochemical in nature, in certain parts of the brain of various criminals, ADHD, . anxiety or severely depressed kids and adults, etc; in all cases, their brains were simply not normal in some area. And in more cases than not, medication helped, along with diet and other changes. YOU must go HERE if you have not yet:
http://www.amenclinics.com/
Please let me know if it works out! This may be your best hope yet.
i'm asian and i think the problem is mostly the meds- giving such meds to a child is beyond comprehension, in asia we dont do give meds so willingly as in USA. As a child he needs help in his diet, think about going vegan for him, and support him not label him as a 'problem' child. There are plenty mental issues children in this world but they dont carry out mass murders.. and cope with life.it gets better when they grow older.. good luck
This would be more helpful:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50LSHIphccQ
...Have you not tried family counseling? Alternating between individual for him, for yourself, then both of you? Counselors can give both of you coping mechanisms, new behavior patterns, and can help him understand that you're just being his Mother and not his enemy.
I think you're confused.
You are not Adam Lanza's mother.
Check your mirror, check your drivers license or any state id with a name and picture on it, and check your pulse.
You're still alive, you still have a chance to save your kid, yourself, and who knows who else.
Besides that, you're the spitting image.
Who am I?
I'm Whitney Houston's Brother's Nephew's Cousin in Law.
http://sarahkendzior.com/2012/12/16/want-the-truth-behind-i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-read-her-blog/
I've enjoyed your writing .... what I've read so far .... and I will be reading more. Take care !
TONY
The sad fact is that for a branch of medical science that exists for 100+ years, current state of the art in psychiatry is utterly embarrassing. As Peter Watts had a character say in Repeating the Past:
"Scalpels to open flesh, words and drugs to open minds. Our techniques had all the precision of a drunkard stomping on the floor, trying to move glasses on the bar with the vibrations of his boot."
I enjoyed reading your writings --- and I will be reading more. Thanks !
TONY
Liza, if you can, please contact me by email.
Thank you for posting your son Michael's issues on the web, I'm sure he will appreciate that. Children are borrowed and you put the fundamentals in and hope for the best. Electronics are fake stimulant get rid of them. Look around your environment and identify the negatives...(look at yourself too).. get rid of them all. children who are sensitive and brilliant need to be protected from cynical society as they end up being bullied and become angry. It may not make your day but in the end family is the most important and YOU have to make changes. These brilliant minds should be protected instead they are made to feel like they are stupid and freaks and that is the ultimate injustice. I pray for your son that he has not made this journey for nothing and I pray for you to find the key to open your heart completely to this boy. I know you love him, it now comes down to devoting your time to understanding him while not exposing his personal life on facebook. Contact Dr Amen God Bless."
I am horrified by this post -- and by so many supportive comments.
So many seem to be reading this through their own personal prism of struggle.
But to miss the narcissism, the absolutely reckless slandering of her young son as a would-be mass murderer, the grandiose play for attention ("I am Adam Lanza's Mother"), the penchant for throwing fuel on the fire of her son's brain-based behaviors.....no, it's all wrong. All wrong.
This is not merely a parent who has been pushed to the edge by a child's mental illness. This is something else indeed.
Read the rest of her blog.
THINK! This might not be YOUR story. This might be something else entirely.
Your worries as a parent are unfathomable, and not something I can begin to comprehend without being a parent. My heart goes out to you, and every parent in your uniquely difficult situation. You are an incredibly brave and strong mother, the kind of mother who will stop at nothing to help her sick child. It's a kind of strength that I can never hope to have. I hope you'll read this at some point and respond to me. I think I might be able to offer you some insight into Michael, for he sounds precisely as I did when I was near his age, and I feel that it is my responsibility to do so.
I was always reading, when I was his age. Anything in print I could get my hands on would be assimilated at an eidetic pace. My IQ was measured as off the charts, but every school I ever went to needed to isolate me from other students for my own safety and the safety of others.
I'm a diagnosed Schizophrenic, formerly classified as an undifferentiated type, now residual. I used to suffer from mild thought disorder, psychotic episodes and a great deal of delusions. When I was a teenager, I attempted suicide often enough that I have since lost count. I threatened regularly to physically harm my parents. I was institutionalized at least twice. My mother eventually had me arrested for arson, and then signed her parental rights away to the state. I ended up in a group home with people who were just as messed up as I was.
Schizophrenia can be tested for rather accurately, but it's possible that the pediatric psychiatrists that have seen Michael haven't given Schizophrenia much thought. The reason is that Schizophrenia is rarely diagnosed in childhood. Ergo, psychiatrists that already have too many patients to manage effectively are not going to "waste" time testing every possibility for every patient, so the rare ones go undiagnosed. Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, et cetera are common amongst kids Michael's age, so any psychiatrist worth his salt is going to float those and attempt to treat for them first.
I realize this blog post is more political in nature and not necessarily a cry for help, but you need help. If you don't want any kind of contact with a stranger on the internet, I understand. At the very least, you should research Schizophrenia and other thought disorders and see how they apply to Michael. Psychiatry gets ideas of what to test for based on the inventories of patients and people close to them. If you think Schizophrenia is an accurate diagnosis of Michael, it'll at least give them thought as to testing for it.
If you reply here, I'll give you an email address you can contact me at if you have questions or want more details. I'm not big on dropping any of my email addresses randomly online, so I have not left one here.
Regardless of how you chose to continue, I wish you and your family godspeed in your efforts to treat Michael.
Thank you so much for bringing some sanity into this whole discussion. My heart goes out to you and your struggles and I hope you find a way to deal with your son. You are an amazing woman.
Thank you! You wrote what so many of us live. Mine just became a mom in August. I work from home just to manage as there are NO places to take her or paces to help. We work daily to manage. It was not her fault, it was not my fault and we are learning to play well with the cards we were dealt.
Thank you, as always, for your brilliant honesty.
Thank you for posting this. You've raised another huge issue that we must address if we are ever to come to grips with tragedies like the one that just happened--as you very rightly point out, events like these are simply flashpoints, but for far too many of us they are the single moment at which a constant, unrelieved struggle flashes over into the sort of visible horror that demands attention. I believe that we can address part of the problem by reforming our gun laws--but the other part of the puzzle, the fact that for many of us life is lived on the knife edge of disaster, can only really be addressed by coming to grips with the diversity, complexity, and reality of mental and emotional illness.
Macey, I respect your right to voice your opinions, but your delivery was very insensitive. You are transferring your anger from your personal life to this person, and her life is not the same as yours, nor is her child. Her child has not been diagnosed with the same disorder as you have. As a parent, this mother has set clear boundaries for her son to follow, and he must be held to those rules. Knife-wielding, threatening suicide, and threatening to kill the family are not always manageable circumstances. In fact, I can't imagine being able to manage them at all. Outbursts with weapons don't usually yield a moment of "let's sit down and chat about how you're feeling." This writer is entitled to be afraid, and I'm concerned that your disorder and your family history have blinded you from being able to empathize with others in her position. This mother admits she does not have the answers, and none of us should try to force feed our own answers to her. I'm sure you wouldn't want people to judge you this way. Even more so, she is raising awareness about mental illness and could possibly have an influence on the healthcare system so that people like her son, and you, won't have to go through terrible hardships to get proper care.
I agree that the American health care system is in a state of crisis, it will take a long time unscramble that egg unfortunately and while it needs to be addressed in an urgent and meaningful way the benefits of change will take many years to come. In the meanwhile I am sure that you will agree, you would feel safer in a country were people suffering like your son are not able to access semi automatic weapons...a change that takes only maybe months to happen if the community and politicians would allow it.
Feeling your pain and wishing your nation to evoke changes that will heal the souls.
Scanned the comments for a while, maybe I missed any discussion of what might be causing all of these diagnoses. I'm certainly no expert but could we be unintentionally causing some of these problems in children by allowing access to video games from a young age and violent video games at older ages? What about raunchy music, TV and movies? What about diet (especially soda pop and junk food) which has been mentioned several times? Then when the overstimulated children act out we feel the need to medicate them. This is not a judgement of Soccer Mom or anyone else, just something I've wondered for a while. I imagine that most of these young mass murderers are expert video game killers and are desensitized to the act of pulling the trigger. Thanks for sharing your story Soccer Mom and good luck.
Dear Liza,
We must meet, if you are "Adam's Mom" I would be Adam. Growing up by all accounts I was very much like Michael, my mother had similar protocol I was on many cocktails of meds for every acronym the the russian dictionary. I was labeled everything from bi polar, autistic, ADHD and then some. I was a colorful child most of the time and throughout school I was always a "joy" to have in class even going as far as being told by a teacher that she requested me for her class. At home I was in my room listening to classical music, drawing, painting. I was an odd child with few constant friends. After a failed attempt at suicide I was lucky enough to find photography. Today I'm a Photographer/ Cinematographer, I write and Direct small films in 3 countries. I haven't taken a prescription drug in 12 years, I dont have rage issues, my days of depression are few and far between but are never hopeless. Between the good there were horrific times, threats, attacks, and incidences where police were involved when mom couldn't hug me tight enough anymore. I even turned the tables on my parents with the law accusing them of things I can't even understand let alone those around me.
We must meet, talk and listen. You mentioned benefits, but the whatever job you have it isn't the cause you are needed in. If your benefits were taken care of could we put our entrepreneurial spirits behind every Michael before they become Adam. You can find me @bjornwilde
wait wait wait!
His only punishment for calling his mother "a stupid B" was to lose electronics for 1 day? That's it???
I'm going to guess that he's probably called her that on far more than 1 occasion if that's the only punishment he has to worry about.
If my son ever said that to my wife, at the very LEAST, we'd be taking ALL of his electronics and toys to give away at the orphanage!
Please look into food allergies and intolerance. There is often a behavior component involved when a person has issues processing gluten, phosphates, dairy, salicylates, or some combination. A true elimination diet can create amazing changes if your son has issues with foods or food components. You would need to work with a qualified nutritionist to do this properly. I have been working with Heidi at http://foodlogic.org/ and she has helped me immensely. By the way, the "allergist" in my town who works at the research university told me I had no food issues. But I have removed some foods and have seen remarkable physical and mood changes.
We cannot predict what your son may or may not do in the future. All you can do as a parent is love them, support them and get them the help that they need and you do it out of love. These are still kids who respond wo what society is doing and that has a big impact. Medication's are only 10% of the solution, the rest is therapy, counseling and a long time of rehabilitation and help Any person can crack under the right circumstances. This raises a huge problem with our mental health system which is seriously flawed and needs fixed. But all you do is what you are doing now, being there for all your children and getting everyone the help that they need.
Raquel Santiago
Peer Counselor
Disability Advocate
I have had brushes with mental illness in the family, and have found solace and even practical help in religion. When practicing my Christian faith by reading the Bible to my father, I was credited with helping to stave off for years the exhausting bipolar swings that had troubled us. When Dad practiced his own Christian faith, it helped, too. Not that he was completely cured and didn't struggle, but things were always much better when Jesus was on the scene. Harry Potter, by the way, has the opposite effect, and parents in their right minds should keep as far away from him as possible.
The problem is, faith in Christ is aggressively banned at the "free babysitting service" which exacts a very high price when the children turn 18. But children there may have their fill of Harry Potter, witches, dragons, and the occult.
I sub in the schools and work Special Ed a lot since other subs won't do it. There are some wonderful, hardworking teachers there, but, ultimately, it's a job and a paycheck. I asked one man who works in a "behavior room" if he's concerned about what happens to the children when they turn 18 (we had a murder-suicide of a father and son after the boy "graduated" from one of these dead-end programs. He said, "I just tell them they can go and get a job like anyone else."
I don't believe this is true. I think that the chokehold the Teachers' Union has on caring for these children causes more problems than it solves.
When the school day began with prayer and the Principal was not afraid to use the paddle hanging on his wall, the biggest problems were chewing gum and talking in class. Today, with Harry Potter and others like him in the God seat, it's rape and murder.
Women aggressively seeking full time jobs with the most benefits so they can pay other people to care for their smallest of children seems like the snake eating its own tail. Wasn't the Women's Liberation movement supposed to women to work? Now that we've eaten that apple, we're enslaved to work in lieu of having happy families. Just what is a "single mother of four", anyway?
I haven't heard of a strong Christian faith in evidence in these tragedies, or of a home schooler ever to blame. Having home schooled my own brilliant and feisty son (could he have turned out differently in a different environment?), I think it may be the safest way for everyone.
3000 babies were killed today in the United States in what should be the safest place in the world for them - their mother's womb. The effects of the Culture of Death and the destruction of the family are indeed far-reaching.
After reading her story and 1900 comments I am also appalled at a few of the comments that are not more supportive of you. Your story is the most impactful piece I have read since the tragedies of late. A few things come to mind: first and foremost the country should be making a much larger effort to help people and families with mental illnesses. But unfortunately I don't think insurance companies or pharmaceutical companies have any monetary incentive to pursue treatment of mental health. Secondly, if the government can make a case for city halls, federal buildings, and the like to have metal detectors and a security guard for presence in their buildings, how come our public schools in gun free zones aren't also protected. My third opinion is that we should reintroduce a fundamental, faith-based mechanism to our schools which allows us to teach our children to respect, love and protect our fellow man. Lastly, families and most importantly the media, should reevaluate the material ( i.e. violent video games) that is readily available to our youth in this digital age.
I think it is important that this story be shared with as many political leaders as possible. Blaming guns is a 'knee-jerk' reaction to these tragedies. If we look back on several of the last horrific events we've faced, mental illness was the common denominator. My heart goes out to your family and the families of loved ones we recently lost.
This story brought tears to my eyes however, I do believe there is an option between living with the fear of Michael's rage and putting him in prison. There are juvenile detention centers, where professionals are taught how to help young men exactly like Michael deal with his unresolved anger issues. Which is really what it is. I'm wondering where his father is in this mess because it seems like his father would obviously be a better physical match and a young man with such a disregard for authority needs a stronger "hand." You are playing games with him, the pants, tuperwaring and traveling with the knives, I can just imagine it all...going round and round. You are not the type of parent this confused, lost, angry young man really needs (at this stage...anymore). Let him go to someone(s) who can give him the discipline and direction he is "begging" for and some day I'm sure he will come back and thank you. If you don't...you are the one who is mentally ill, I'm sorry to say. God bless and help you!
Are you on a paleo diet? I saw that you follow a paleo blog. I am wondering if that helps with your son's behavioral issues. This is an amazingly well written article. Thank you for sharing it. You are an inspiration, a true lioness!
I've been posting a lot about guns lately since the shooting happened. I still feel the same way about that issue but this article definitely made me realize that there are more issues related to these shootings that need to be addressed, not just guns. I posted it to Facebook and hope everybody -especially moms- will read it. It sends a strong message. I wish you and your whole family the best and hope Michael can get the kind of care he needs, WITHOUT having to put him in jail.
Thank you for your article. There are many things the public does not know about this issue and it partially explains why they are so quick to blame the parents. Do you people really not see that we are trying to prevent some tragedy from happening and our hands are tied because, until the child actually hurts someone, THERE IS NO RECOURSE FOR US.
My stepson has been threatening to bring guns (non-existent in our household) to school since he was in 2nd grade. Threat assessments have been done by every school he has ever been in. We spent YEARS trying to get him in a special placement classroom to no avail. We too were told to take all sharp objects out of our home. We have locks on our bedroom door so that we can sleep safely. This is not about trying to seem important, it is about trying to keep ourselves and others alive in a system that offers us no protection.
My husband chose an insurance plan that offered unlimited mental health benefits, since the child was seeing multiple counselors and therapists for his diagnosed Aspergers. He finally had a meltdown severe enough that required us to take him to a children's psychiatric ward, where he was rediagnosed as psychotic due to his auditory and visual delusions. He was described as the most delusional child this doctor had ever seen. At 10 years old he was on adult doses of 6 different antipsychotics and was still hyperactive; he should have been barely awake under that much medication. After 6 months of inpatient treatment, the INSURANCE COMPANY decided that he could move to an outpatient program. All of his doctors disagreed. The outpatient programs they suggested refused to take him because he was too unstable. THE INSURANCE COMPANY CUT OFF HIS BENEFITS; I guess the term "unlimited" was just for decoration. We filed multiple appeals. They would not change their findings.
This is a mental health issue. This is an insurance issue. This is a safety issue. This is not just our problem as the parents of these children, it is everyone's problem because we can't do anything as individuals to change the system we live in.
Why is there always one? Macy and all the others who commented using blame and attacking this awesome mother who not only has tremendous love and value for her son, but is aware and educated enough to know her situation may make an impact on this world and effect change and true understanding.
With response to those condemning and judging this women as a bad parent and the like, it is fear, driven, irresponsible, non- action people who think you know how to "fix" situations such as mental illness etc when in reality the solution you seek is " ignoring its existence by locking issues that are uncomfortable, taboo, in the closet so they can fester, relieving you from having to acknowledge what interrupts the safe, perfect little bubble of denial, ignorance, fear, and weakness you'll spend your entire lifetime doing all you can to keep any realism away from you.
Mental illness, child abuse, societies labels that dictate what is acceptable and what is not is part of the cause behind tragedies like Newtown. And add that its obvious the contents in her article sparked some unknown or unaddressed issue in each of you that freaks you out to the point of lashing out. My advice, seek help for yourself and do not concern yourself with what others chose to do.
I applaud you for writing such honesty. My family too has mental illness in its line. I recently discovered I have been struggling with a mental illness left undiagnosed for 45 years, As a child and young adult I too lashed out violently ,suicide attempts the whole thing but my mother was strong and loved me so much she fought to find the help I needed. She helped me save myself and it is the best gift any parent can give their child. And you are doing just that for your son. Be certain you are honoring what being a parent is meant to be. our saving your child and perhaps many more in the future if you would of decided to ignore the signs as most people do, then those same people jump on the band wagon when another tragic mass murder happens screaming and blaming everyone but themselves.
I'm a mother of neurodivergent kids. I am also a mental health professional and a Love and Logic facilitator.
I also survived forced psychiatric treatment as a young person.
I read your essay and it was really heartbreaking. I'm sorry you are struggling with your son and that he is struggling, too.
Your essay was concerning, though I agree, we do need to talk about mental health...because treating difference as "illness" and forcing children into traumatic encounters with police and medical professionals after small arguments escalate, exposing them to cocktails of medications known to cause mood/behavioral aberrance...well, you're right, it is dangerous.
There are a lot of things that can help, that really get at the core issues and that can help neurodivergent kids become more aware of ways to self-manage and self-advocate appropriately.
Please let me know if you'd ever like to talk. I'm hoping that your essay won't be used in such a way that more quirky/
hurt/
angry/
confused/
sensitive/
kids are put into forced treatment. Please don't be scared of your son. I can assure you, he feels that and he knows that and there is power there...and there is tragedy.
It is a well known fact that when we take people's power away from them, they will try to gain power in any way they can.
Please get in touch if I can help. In addition to my own skills, I know a lot of very reputable professionals whose hearts just break when they hear a story like this.
here's my email: faithrhyne@gmail.com
There is no way that sitting down and discussing mental health as a nation will ever help prevent these sorts of tragedies. Considering how many people are clearly mentally ill but walking around freely, these shootings will continue to happen, unabated by talk, however well intended the talking may be.
You don't have to have a gun in order to kill someone, but it sure makes the process easier and more effective. If the shooter had a knife instead, most of those kids would be alive today.
I agree with the wingnuts who think that banning guns won't change anything...at first. "Only criminals will have guns", etc. But in a decade or two we would begin to see a big difference in the kind and scope of violence committed in this country. Guns would get harder and harder to find, even by criminals.
That's the truth. Banning guns isn't enough, but it's a good start, regardless of how you interpret the constitution. We should change the constitution if necessary, and force uncooperative states to buckle under through the withholding of federal funding. That's a drastic step, but I'm afraid it's become necessary. That's how I see it.
It sounds like personality disorder. Too bad for him. And you. But that's not mental illness.
I feel for you, more than I can express, I was an ill child and am an ill adult, I am bipolar, although I was never violent I did act out in other ways and my families response was harsh punishment, including beatings, locking me in a closet and making me physically punish myself, usually by biting my arm.everyone said I was a bad seed and nothing could be done for me.the people who did this to me were my adoptive parents, at the age of 12 they sent me back into the system.I spent the rest of my youth being tossed around from home to home, each worse than the last,all of this gave me a second illness, P.T.S.D., I was diagnosed with both bipolar disorder and P.T.S.D. when i was 30 years old.
My message to you is this, don't give up on your son, there is hope.
I hope you get a diagnosis soon and find treatment for him.
my prayers are with you and your family.
Im surprised more people aren't questioning the adult in this situation instead of quickly sympathizing for her having such a problem child. However, with the amount of comments deleted by author, its quite possible people are trying to dig a little deeper. So many cases of "mental illness" and behavioral problems are caused by environment, I hope that a child advocate can get invovled here on behalf of "Michael." He doesnt deserve to be exploited in this manner especially with his tender age and having a picture included in such a negative posting of his person. ALso, sounds like some family counseling and parenting courses may help so wrong color uniforms dont explode into a family crisis.
P.S. if you raise your child to be a sociopath and withhold nurturing as described in this article, they will become what you put in.
Hi. Thank you so much for writing this. I know I'm comment two thousand and something, but I know one day you will read through all these comments, and I just want you to know that I appreciate what you wrote. I feel less alone.
The minute I read that Adam Lanza had Aspergers, my heart sank. My son has it. He is so similar to Adam. When Adam was a young, non-disruptive, shy genius in school.
And I see myself in his mother. Not buying guns, okay. Not doing that. But being overwhelmed. Being more and more withdrawn. Being alone trying to figure out what to do. Hoping that somehow my son makes friends.
I am so scared I'm not up to raising my son to be a good member of society. I hate that I'm even writing this, and I console myself that very few people will read the two-thousandth comment.
I love my son so much. And I am so scared. And thank you for verbalizing this connundrum so eloquently.
Penelope
"...the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18."
Did you really need to throw that spear at parents whose kid has a behavioral IEP or 504 plan? I think not.
My heart breaks for you. Your son sounds like an extreme version of my son. Everything you have said is exactly like him except he hasn't pulled a knife etc. He can go from my loving 17 year old son to the most horrible child within seconds calling me names etc because he's misunderstood. My son is also extremely intelligent. He had Aspergers which is NOT a mental illness. He is born that way. It is not even a condition. It's just the way he is. He sees the world completely diff to you and i and its a very very confusing place. Imagine landing on a planet for the first time where routines are done differently. Everything's the opposite to what you expect. People laugh and you think they are laughing at you because your intelligence has taken up the room in the brain used for social skills. Imagine being stood in a circle of foreigners and everyone talking and you have no idea if what your saying is offensive. Now imagine being in a room of your friends and having no idea if what you are saying is offensive. My son cusses all day long. He will tell me to shut the fuck up. Not because he wants to cuss at me like I would if someone pisses me off or that he wants to hurt me. They are just words to him and a form if release. He told his dr that he cannot understand why people get upset at someone saying the word f*ck. He said mum its a word that means make love and that's meant to be a beautiful thing and yet people get offended. And how can somebody saying go make love be offensive and if someone calls you the c word - how can calling someone a vagina be offensive. If I came outright and said "" you're a vagina" Or " you're a female dog" you would kill ya self laughing but because I use a different word you get offended. It doesn't make sense. His dr agreed with him
And said to him she loved seeing him as he always made her think. My son was only diagnosed a mth ago but he was told he may have it the week b4 his16th birthday. We knew he was diff but didn't know what or how to handle him. I researched it
And from realising certain things and changing the way I talk to him we have had minimal meltdowns as he is understanding me better and I him. I now
Know why he's a pain when we go sneaker shopping and he won't buy shoes cause he doesn't like
The sole or he freaked out cause I took
A old falling to bits desk out of his room and that when he's calling me names he doesn't mean it its
Just him expressing his frustration at me because he can't process the information I'm telling him. For eg we were trying to move a sofa a good few yrs ago and inwas saying son move that bottom bit through the gap first. He couldn't work out what I meant so started cussing. I changed what i said and said son can you please move the bottom right side towards your nan 2.5 inches and he relaxed and did what he was asked because he understood what i Was saying. If you see the world through their eyes sometimes we understand it a wee bit better. (Continued below)
I know exactly what you are talking about, although I am now going through a divorce I for about 8 years was with my soon to be Ex Wife. Her oldest son was exactly as you describe Micheal. Nelson was only around 7 when I got with her, but he was about 12 when he finally broke the last straw so to speak. For years we dealt with the same issues of what I consider to be misdiagnosis. We got the whole spectrum as well same as you have stated. At the time of the final incident he was attending a school that was normally for the older children that were kicked out and banned from all the other local public schools. By older I mean older than he was anyways. It got to the point where he was brandishing scissors on his mother, hitting and kicking my mother. Telling the students and teachers at school that he was going to kill them etc... So I was at work as I normally was and I came home for lunch one day because I didn't have the money to eat out that day. We had 3 kids and a 4th one on the way to take care of. As I was walking up the stairs in the back hallway I heard my 6 month old baby screaming, so I charged up the stairs and through the door. When I got in I found this little SOB on top of my 6 month old daughter pounding her in the back with a closed fist, meanwhile there pregnant mother was passed out from exhaustion in the frontroom. Had I not come home on that day right when I did I fear that my beautiful little daughter would be either paralyzed or dead right now. This shit is not about guns, this country needs to wake up and allow parents to commit these kids permanently if they really want this incident not to happen anymore. I told my ex he's gone, or the rest of us are. I will not allow that little demon to live in this house with these other children anymore. She cried for a long while and it was very hard on her, But she eventually agreed and we shipped him off to live with his grandparents 5 hours away from us. I know it sounds cold, but the truth is I couldn't be at work everyday worried if I were going to come home to house of 1000 corpses so to speak. We really do need reform of the ability of parents to commit these time bombs before they go off.
Continued from above...
It took us forever to get him sorted. We started the process when he was 10 and he tried to kill himself with a tie. I say try. He ran upstairs in a rage and ties it around his neck and pulled it. And we were back and forth and then I have up until we realised about the Aspergers. And he was in limbo because for 16/18 yr olds there is absolutely nowhere in the system for him because hes old for paediatrics and too young for adults. Eventually the autistic society stepped in. But this wait was not only hell for us but for him also not knowing why he felt different. But imagine if I hadn't found out. Imagine not understanding why you were offending people or why everyone was laughing at you.
You would snap eventually wouldn't you? More needs to be done to not only help the kids, get them
Diagnosed faster and get them help in the form of
Social lessons and anger management and give parents lessons in ways to adapt and deal with situations because if things are calmer at home they are more than likely to feel calmer in this huge world that confuses the crap out of them.
Read a book called the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime. It's written from the perspective of a child with Aspergers. Opened up my eyes. It's a children's boom but its awesome. I have it to my 89 yr old aunt so she could understand his quirks better and she couldn't put the book down!
Hugs and I wish you love and light x
Abelard Lindsay said "It sounds like personality disorder. Too bad for him. And you. But that's not mental illness" -- Are you kidding?!? This must be the most unnecessary and ignorant comment I have ever read.
I just wanna say I hope Michael, and you, get all the help you need. And thank you for sharing your story.
Wish you all the best from Norway, Susanne
Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your story and open yourself up to ridicule and criticism in what is already a tough situation for you. I am appauled at some of the obviously uneducated opinions above that shame you for your parenting. They have no idea.
I also want to applaud you for bringing the mental heath issue to light. The first thing I thought of when I heard of this trajedy was mental illness. I too have a step son who fits the description of Adam Lanza in terms of being withdrawn, quite and one who has mental illness - depression, OCD, ADHD and sensory processing. He gets bullied and has few friends. He is also the victim of a nasty divorce. There is no exact recipe for kids like Lanza, but there certainly are risk factors, and until we, as a nation, and as parents, do everything in our power to address the mental health issue of our kids, this problem wont stop. Rather than negatively stimnatize mental health issues, we need to treat them like any other illness like cancer, heart disease et. Mental illness is a real disease and yes, you should medicate your children if they need it. Would you withhold chemotherapy from a child with cancer because they are not fully developed yet? Of course not! Its not a parenting issue either. Mental illness cannot be solved with a timeout or a spanking. I applaud you for getting the professional help for your son that will hopefully help. Keep fighting for your son and all other families who struggle with this issue. Thank You
Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your story and open yourself up to ridicule and criticism in what is already a tough situation for you. I am appauled at some of the obviously uneducated opinions above that shame you for your parenting. They have no idea.
I also want to applaud you for bringing the mental heath issue to light. The first thing I thought of when I heard of this trajedy was mental illness. I too have a step son who fits the description of Adam Lanza in terms of being withdrawn, quite and one who has mental illness - depression, OCD, ADHD and sensory processing. He gets bullied and has few friends. He is also the victim of a nasty divorce. There is no exact recipe for kids like Lanza, but there certainly are risk factors, and until we, as a nation, and as parents, do everything in our power to address the mental health issue of our kids, this problem wont stop. Rather than negatively stimnatize mental health issues, we need to treat them like any other illness like cancer, heart disease et. Mental illness is a real disease and yes, you should medicate your children if they need it. Would you withhold chemotherapy from a child with cancer because they are not fully developed yet? Of course not! Its not a parenting issue either. Mental illness cannot be solved with a timeout or a spanking. I applaud you for getting the professional help for your son that will hopefully help. Keep fighting for your son and all other families who struggle with this issue. Thank You
vamoose
2300 people stood up and wrote here with every conceivable helping idea they could conjure, thats remarkable so we do have that as humans, this problem is serious . psychopaths marginally outbreed those of us less afflicted their percentage representation fortunately only slowly grows but grow it does........... politicians and wall street come to mind hmmmmmmmmmm
This sounds like a great start in helping the young man with Classic Music and a Keyboard of his own to express himself. Oh - and earphones for his own private listening. I would also suggest a decent set of Water Based Oil colors or regular watercolors and a pad. Kids love to draw. Get him some books on how to draw.
I wish God's blessings for you and your family, Liza. You are a strong and brave mother and you have my blessings for so eloquently coming forward to give a face to those of us who are so hated, feared, and maligned and hope to those of us who have simply lapsed into quiet defeat and invisibility. We are the mentally ill. We are the mothers of the mentally ill. We are the mentally ill mothers of the mentally ill children.
My daughter is 25 and schizophrenic. I have not seen her in four years. There were no hospitals for us in 1994, no sympathetic teachers, no IEPs, no diagnosis for her, no relief for me. If your child was weird in 1994, if your child was violent in 1994, doubly true if that child was a girl... in 1994 that meant one and only one thing. It meant that you were at best a failure as a mother and at worst... at worst I was depraved and indifferent, incompetent, stupid, and despised by everyone who thought they knew better. And everybody thought they knew better.
OBAMA - are you listening?
You, and every mother like you, needs to be talking to our president. THIS is where we need to begin. THIS is the root cause. Though my situation is different, I understand that feeling of not being able to GET HELP when you so desperately need it. Thank you for sharing your story in spite of what fear you may have had about sharing it. I hope you and your son and every mother with a child who is dealing with these issues in our country can find peace, and help and be safe.
My heart goes out to you and your son. You should never have to live in fear of him, and the fact that you have had to develop coping strategies involving your other children saddens me deeply. For 'Michael' as well, he must feel so overwhelmed and out of control of his own emotions. Thank you for sharing this incredible insight with the rest of us. I too am sharing your story to help get the national conversation turned in the right direction, hopefully one where mental illness is addressed and not villainized.
Travis Mays, you are clueless.
The best parents are always the ones with no kids, and I'd bet hundreds you have none.
There is a difference between a rage and the cold, callous look that comes over with that kind of illness.
While sociopathy and psychopathy (and other disorders on that axis) cannot be diagnosed in someone under 18 on the DSM, the *behaviors* can be identified as early as age *5* - sometimes sooner.
I've had a screaming raging toddler. That's not this.
Get a f***ing clue.
Your article, "Michael"'s mom, is all over the place... and I'm so glad you've brought awareness to this issue.
To everyone else on this thread also suffering, it breaks my heart and I hope we can start to do better by our people - even if not for your child's sake, but for mine, in case they're ever in the same place at the wrong time.
This is truly a public policy issue.
I commend you for sharing your experience.
I didn't read all the comments but I can relate to what you have gone through with your son.
Jail is not the answer, please don't go that way. Jail does not help it makes the problems worse. I could write a story similar to yours, I have a 37 year old son who lives on the streets because he refuses to beleive "he has problems" and the laws don't allow any help. He has a "record" now and for him it is a big "excuse" for why he can't do all the things he dreams of doing.
Until the laws change there is not much more I can do for him as a mom. I just finished living 2 years without him any part of our lives because of a violent outburst and a court imposed restraining order. Life with kids like this are not only living hell for them, but for all their siblings and any one who loves them.
I have a brother that probably would have been like Michael if he had not received treatment. He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Bipolar Disorder. Reading about Michael screamed Bipolar to me. He might also have Asperger's if he can lecture about the topics that he does. You do have options. He doesn't need to commit a crime to get the treatment he needs. Look into bipolar and talk to a psychiatrist. I know some people are against medication but it does help at least my brother. He is also on a gluten free diet and that intolerance can be diagnosed with a simple blood test for food allergies. I'm sure you could find a caseworker at your county MRDD facility for him in your area that can help you work things out with education and later in life finding a job.
As a psych student I understand and know the reasoning behind your frustrations about mental health. Mental health is real and not the fault of the people it affects like your son Michael. I used to work with children and adolescents in a residential treatment center to gain experience through college...It was hell for me and my fellow employees. These children as young as they were, were clearly not well. These children were diagnosed with all types of disorders like ODD (oppositional-defiance disorder). I was attacked several times, to the point where I still have scars. I had my glasses broken, I was punched, kicked, bitten, had my hair pulled, it was a nightmare. But I went to work everyday because despite everything, this is what I wanted to do. And on a good day I loved my job. There were days when I wanted to walk out and quit, and a lot of people did do it, right in the middle of a shift. There were days when I called my mom crying because the job was so stressful. The kids were so bad and we weren't getting any help from administration or the psychiatrists. The psychiatrists were never there. We, college students dealt with most of it on our own. I ultimately left after a a little over a year there, the pay was crap and as much as I wanted to help, it wasn't worth getting beat up by kids that in reality weren't getting any better. A lot of kids were discharged and ended up coming back repeatedly. They just really weren't getting the proper help they needed. Most of the time they were discharged only because their insurance ran out or because they knew how to manipulate the system and make it seem like they're better, they never were. I always said I wouldn't be surprised if I opened up the newspaper and saw they were now in jail, or even worse, dead. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that, our mental health system is broken and state that our children are not getting the care they need to survive through this. It is extremely important to fix this problem and see through the bad stigma on mental health. Before another tragedy occurs!
With the horrific tragedy that has occurred I think everyone should read this and try to understand what we are facing. It will take all of us making an attempt to see the difficulties others face. We can no longer walk happily in our lives that have normal ups and downs thinking we are safe. As a person who suffers from Bipolar disorder, I know that the task at hand, finding help for the mentally ill, will be difficult. I lived a childhood of extreme ups and downs that felt like I was in a constant state of hell and that God must not love me because it never changed. I was thought to be a child that had learning disabilities,ADD and many other titles although creative. As an adult, I couldn't continue my life as it was. My faith kept me from hurting myself but I was lucky because I never wanted to hurt anyone else in my pain and lost reality. I searched for more than 15 years, going through many unqualified doctors, medications given to me as if I was an animal in a test lab, until I finally found a Doctor who saved my life. I am one of the lucky ones. There are so many people that have no hope or means to change their circumstances. Most would not believe they had the capabilities to hurt others but some in their own terror do just that. One of the biggest issues that faces people with mental illness is, once you feel better you think you don't need to take the medicines anymore. This is one problem that Doctors alone cannot fix. The terror of each illness will raise it's ugly head sometimes worse than before. Before you condemn a person as a monster, you must be able to look through the monster's eyes to see the horror's that they see. You will never truly appreciate the true horror that is experienced because you can not feel or see through a mind you do not have but I plead with you to take a moment and read about mental illness. Until you understand what you are battling there is no possible solution. Until you make an attempt to see the devil as we see him there is no hope for change. It will take more than a President to change what faces this nation. It will take all American's calling their State Representatives and demanding they stop the bickering about extremes and change the nation that now lives in fear for their children's' safety. The only other option we have is to put our children's clothes out right next to their bullet proof vests.
Julie Miller
Hiram Ga
I have been where you at but I must ask...not blame...did you have your child tested for chemical imbalance, have you had discussions with your family doctor, have you search for an appropriate phycologist? T first step is admitting a problem from the start. I have been where you are but nothing in this world could stop me from finding an answer...and it turned out great.
My heart goes out to anyone in this situation.
I have been where you at but I must ask...not blame...did you have your child tested for chemical imbalance, have you had discussions with your family doctor, have you search for an appropriate phycologist? T first step is admitting a problem from the start. I have been where you are but nothing in this world could stop me from finding an answer...and it turned out great.
My heart goes out to anyone in this situation.
Maine Rep. Mark Dion brought the housing of people with mental illness in the jails as a way for the public to deal with them a few years ago when he was the Sheriff of Cumberland County. He hired medical professionals to deal with the medicating of prisoners dealing with mental illness. These people belong in hospitals, not jail but the have no health insurance,are homeless and end up in jail because that's how society deals with the mentally ill today.
I agree with this beautiful and forthcoming article (though I am far from anarchy...). All I would add is that most of the time, those with mental illness are not put in jail but preferred to roam the streets and homeless shelters. It's cheaper this way.
In 2003 on of my friends slid slowly into mental illness, was refused voluntary admission to a mental health ward, and shot his wife, Kari Osterhaug to death the next day. In June of this year a mentally ill young man killed four people in a cafe, crossed town, and killed my husband's friend Gloria Leonidas. Liza, you are a hero. You are courageous in the face of the threat of enormous personal danger in a effort to improve the word for the benefit of others. I hope you will disregard the evil flung at you as you strike for the shore of the moral high ground knowing that, in the end, you may have just changed the world for the better.
Thank you for bravely writing and posting this article. It succinctly illustrates the big problem our nation is actively ignoring. The lack of mental healthcare in this country is killing people every day. Thank you.
Macey I agree but feel you were pretty harsh, although I understand why. I am a mother of a gifted 9 almost 10 year old who has displayed, ever since starting school similar behaviours to Michael, which progressively got worse, until we understood him... The period of time in-between was extremely difficult I described him as being on a self destruct spiral, people would say but you say he's bright so why doesn't he learn, we'd be accused of not being consistent, we didn't know what to do next we took him to people, we did a parenting course, kept searching for answers and nothing would work. we stopped believing in ourselves and all the "experts" couldn't get past a mental disorder but then said no it's not any. Eventually at age 9 he got a teacher which understood gifted and things started to improve dramatically, the teacher suggested we get him assessed academically and wow, when he got his results, goodness we had a mix of emotions, relief that our first belief had been proved right, guilt it had taken so long and we should have been more steadfast.This opened up a Gifted programme and our happy son re-emerged. Macey is right, understanding the child is key - our understanding of G&T traits and having the confidence to apply them was the key for us. Ok he'd never pulled a knife, but he'd physically hurt me, his brother, his father, teachers (and Macey you do need a safety plan as you have a duty to protect your other children from harm). He'd said he'd rather kill himself than go to school. He'd rather be dead, and said things to make time feel the worst person on earth, but we dealt with his anxieties calmly, without drugs, found his pacifier was math, and changed his school for a fresh start. G&T are often highly emotional and it's how it's handled as to how the child will be long term. My heart goes out to you and your family, as a mother you make decision with the best of intentions and take the flak. But look into G&T traits - the Edison trait and emotional intensity as this could be why you've never had a MH diagnosis - it might not be suitable. People have told me well done because they know what we have gone through is not normal and extremely stressful and society puts so much pressure on you as a parent to resolve things overnight, I say let's wait until he's an adult before we say well done but I know there's hope and every day is a new day.
And another thing... If I had a dime for every time somebody told me to look into food allergies I'd own the internet today. We can look at brains now and see the ways that they differ biologically in people with mental illness. I know you guys mean well, but gluten-free food is not going to rewire a kid's brain. And with respect to Grandpa Bob, I gave my schizophrenic 5 year old magic markers. She disappeared with them into her room and after a suspiciously long period of time I opened her door to see her stripped naked and covered from head to toe in angry black and purple slash marks. 5 years later she switched to bent paperclips and other sharp objects she could find. 5 years after that she discovered razor blades.
There are no easy answers. These diseases are as real as juvenile diabetes or cerebral palsy, and equally unrelenting.
While everybody "means well," and wants to be caring and helpful, you need to know that sometimes your suggestions feel like criticism, especially if, like me, you endured 18 years of them from every well meaning but ultimately ignorant person all around me. If you are suggesting I try something different then you are implying that what I am doing is inadequate.
In 1989 I was the only person in the world who knew my daughter needed help. What a wonderful thing that my two year old daughter could describe an atom so precisely. She must be a genius! Well, she was a genius, but I had a Master's Degree in Child Development and I'd spent an awful lot of hours in the library reading about autism spectrum disorders and accounts of children with some very schizo-affective sounding behaviors and they were all frickin' geniuses.
And then there was that neighbor from my childhood - the one who talked about all the jack knives in the shed in his back yard. He threw a cat down "suicide hill" once, too. Fifteen years later he stabbed a woman 23 times.
Sometimes the worst thing about being the parent of a mentally ill child is all the people who are blessed with normal children who think you need their help. If you haven't walked in these thorny shoes of mine then it might be best if you'd just trust my judgement. If you want to be helpful, maybe you could bake us some brownies - with or without gluten. Brownies are always welcome.
Hearts go out to you.
You might try for resources at your local church. Regardless of your religious beliefs, wonderful and mysterious things can happen around people that believe in God and you might find some people that will pray and support you.
I am praying for you and your children. I hope things get better so you do not live in fear.
Dear Anarchist Mom,
Your son may only just scrape through the cut-off for this program, but it may also apply for other parents experiencing similar problems:
http://www.jaspermountain.org/parent_looking_for_help.html
These guys run a great program that I think would be really appropriate for your son.
Please do not listen to those who are attacking or hateful in their replies. As a parent to three children with special needs I empathize with you. You are a strong mamma trying to do her best in a broken system. I am sure like many parents in similar situations you have tried everything you and every specialist you can find can think of. It is time to talk about mental health and developmental disability services in our country. Continue to be strong as those who have never walked in your shoes throw rocks out of ignorance or denial about real issues that face so many families. You are brave and amazing and hopefully your story will help bring to light an issue that has long been overlooked or hidden away in our country.
Praying.
I am begging you and anyone else who is a mother of children like Michael - PLEASE, please get your kids tested for food allergies. From one mother to another. Please. Do the research. You will see that in some cases, children with allergies to foods, especially grains and food dyes, can have major behavioral issues. My oldest son was headed in this exact same direction. I felt drained and at the end of my rope every single day. Nothing worked - and I tried it ALL. Everyone said that this strategy or that strategy would work and NOTHING EVER EVEN HELPED. At all. Through the grace of God we ended up getting him tested for food allergies. Almost two years after staying off wheat, processed sugar and red food dye he has gone from being the most difficult child imaginable to the easiest child there is. It was tough and took a long time. But it might just be worth a try. There are many resources you can read. "Dangerous Grains" is a good book and "The Crazy Makers: How the Food Industry Is Destroying Our Brains and Harming Our Children". Please do your research before you discount what I have said. Best of luck to all the moms out there. God bless.
**Just as a footnote, I'm not saying food allergies are the answer for every child with behavior problems. But I just wanted to share in case there are mothers out there that might appreciate something they may not have heard much about.
Well said. I take personal offense at the way some people have chosen to respond to your piece. Clearly, alongside other things, a respect for other's lives and opinions, as well as an interest in the written word as a form of art and communication, is going down the shithole.
I responded to one such conversation here...but I'm afraid my voice is just a small one amongst the uproar.
http://awickedmuse.com/2012/12/17/words-parents-and-shootings/
Wish you luck.
The Holy Bible tells of the apostles seeking to help a young man who sounds much like Michael and many other children today. Although they had witnessed and been a part of miraculous healings, they were unsuccessful . They questioned the Lord Jesus Christ, wondering why they were unable to help the child .
Jesus told them, "This kind only comes about by fasting and prayer."
The question that many people have is, why can man not find a cure for such illnesses?
As a born again follower of Jesus Christ, I have seen God work miracles today. I do believe that " with God nothing shall be impossible.
I highly recommend the book, Reclaiming Surrendered Ground, Protecting Your Family from Spiritual Attacks, by Jim Logan.
I will be praying for you and your son. May he be set free to love God with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength . And then able to love you and others that are a part of his life. May you seek the Lord and find encouragement and hope.
I'm sorry I didn't took the time to read all the comments (they are too many).
I know it's not a simple solution, but maybe you could move into an other country where the healthcare is more adapted to your son mental illness.
As you said : "But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken healthcare system, does not provide us with other options.".
My heart goes out to you.
"I know you guys mean well, but gluten-free food is not going to rewire a kid's brain."
Ummmm....yes. It CAN. Food intolerances/sensitivities are a FREQUENTLY OVERLOOKED cause of behavioral/psychological abnormalities. I've seen it hundreds of times. Once ID'd, the difference is like night and day. Why is "mental illness" of all types so uncommon in certain other countries/cultures and almost epidemic in the US? Look at dietary differences. It's a COMMON culprit. Not the only one, to be sure...but a very common one nonetheless.
Wow. There seem to be a gargantuan amount of comments to this post. I don't have time to read through even a fraction of them to see if what I am about to say has been said, so forgive me if it is a repeat (and therefore, possibly, a waste of your time).
What I came here to say was that mental issues are not always things people are born with. Meaning, something in his environment is kicking this off, most likely. I come from a family who has mental issues on both maternal and paternal sides and over time it has come out that ALL of them are gluten intolerant. Not necessarily Celiac but unable to tolerate gluten. And gluten is in EVERYTHING (well, ok, not EVERYthing but really, most everything these days). Unfortunately, only one of my relatives is willing to "do the hard work" of diligently maintaining a gluten-free lifestyle and that one is doing loads better. I, too, am strictly gluten free since gluten intolerance runs in families though I have not had any mental illness signs or symptoms myself.
So, I'd really encourage you to do all you can to deeply research gluten intolerance and Celiac disease and then to give it a go for a few months. One month typically isn't enough- most say to give it at least an honest 3 months (strict- learn all you can so you don't end up cross contaminated or eating gluten in things you were unaware contained it). This time span allows for the residual effects of the gluten to work themselves out of the system, which can take time (and why not just have your whole family go GF with him- it is likely that if one needs to then all need to, anyway, and it would be a help to him to not feel as picked out of the crowd and made to do something he doesn't want to all on his own).
Also, even now, start keeping really good track of what Michael eats and his corresponding moods. Food allergies can cause massive behavioral issues (not only allergies to gluten) and keeping a diary may help you to see patterns for him.
Thirdly, vaccinations. I know this is controversial but it is real issue people deal with- vaccine damage. Researching this issue, as well, may be of great help to you. There are things that can help reverse some of the effects of "vaccinations gone wrong".
Lastly, though this is the only post of yours I've ever read (found it on another site), you sound like a wonderful mother. Don't be discouraged- you are on top of it and I trust you will do WHATEVER you have to do to help your son, which also helps our nation.
Blessings,
Kristen
So many comments, that I'm afraid you will not see mine. I hope you do. I am Adam Lanzas brother (not really of course, just taking your lead, my brother is very mentally ill, and we live in the same home)). I have seen mental illness up close, for over 20 years. I would really like to talk to you. I can be found at t4rsr5@gmail.com
There needs to be a community about this. Your open letter might be a god starting point.
No diet can change the hard-wiring of the brain, but "mental illness" is more commonly a neurochemical issue. Food. Foods (even "natural" or "raw" ones) are (by their very nature) chemical substances.
You should know, if you don't already know, that your post is being called into question by others who are editing other of your posts out of context. The one I saw, while linking to your original blog posts, has seemed to sway people I would normally call discerning people into thinking you're less than sincere. I've been encouraging them to fully read your actual posts, so they can see that, just like so many in our culture, that it's easy to make monsters when quoting people out of context. It's my hope that people will read your full blog posts and see who you really are and in doing so, stop distrusting your motives and see that you are a fully sincere person, but in case you haven't seen some of the somewhat selective editing that's happening, I wanted to make you aware. I've so far found all of your posts that I've read so far to be entirely sincere and reasonable. Yes, I first discovered you as a result of the Newtown tragedy and your eloquent writing that came out of that. But there appear to be many who are interested in discrediting you and are questioning your motives. I am not one of them. I wish you all the best. This is the link I'm referring to, I'm disturbed at how much editing is involved: http://sarahkendzior.com/2012/12/16/want-the-truth-behind-i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-read-her-blog/
http://www.eqi.org/amiller.htm
"In the same decade in which writers are discovering the emotional importance of childhood and are unmasking the devastating consequences of the way power is secretly exercised under the disguise of child-rearing, students of psychology are spending four years at the universities learning to regard human beings as machines in order to gain a better understanding of how they function. When we consider how much time and energy is devoted during these best years to wasting the last opportunities of adolescence and to suppressing, by means of the intellectual disciplines, the feelings that emerge with particular force at this age, then it is no wonder that the people who have made this sacrifice victimize their patients and clients in turn, treating them as mere objects of knowledge instead of as autonomous, creative beings. There are some authors of so-called objective, scientific publications in the field of psychology who remind me of the officer in Kafka's Penal Colony in their zeal and their consistent self-destructiveness. In the unsuspecting, trusting attitude of Kafka's convicted prisoner, on the other hand, we can see the students of today who are so eager to believe that the only thing that counts in their four years of study is their academic performance and that human commitment is not required.
"The expressionistic painters and poets active at the beginning of this century demonstrated more understanding of the neuroses of their day (or at any rate unconsciously imparted more information about them) than did the contemporary professors of psychiatry....
"Children who become too aware of things are punished for it and internalize the coercion to such an extent that as adults they give up the search for awareness. But because some people cannot renounce this search in spite of coercion, there is justifiable hope that regardless of the ever-increasing application of technology to the field of psychological knowledge, Kafka's vision of the penal colony with its efficient, scientifically minded persecutors and their passive victims is valid only for certain areas of our live and perhaps not forever. For the human soul is virtually indestructible, and its ability to rise from the ashes remains as long as the body draws breath.
1. All children are born to grow, to develop, to live, to love, and to articulate their needs and feelings for their self-protection.
2. For their development, children need to the respect and protection of adults who take them seriously, love them, and honestly help them to become oriented in the world.
3. When these vital needs are frustrated and children are, instead, abused for the sake of the adults' needs by being exploited, beaten, punished, taken advantage of, manipulated neglected, or deceived without the intervention of any witness, then their integrity will be lastingly impaired.
4. The normal reactions to such injury should be anger and pain. Since children in this hurtful kind of environment are forbidden to express their anger, however, and since it would be unbearable to experience their pain all alone, they are compelled to suppress their feelings, repress all memory of the trauma, and idealize those guilty of the abuse. Later they will have no memory of what was done to them.
5. Disassociated from the original cause, their feelings of anger, helplessness, despair, longing, anxiety, and pain will find expression in destructive acts against others (criminal behavior, mass murder) or against themselves (drug addiction, alcoholism, prostitution, psychic disorders, suicide).
6. If these people become parents, they will then often direct acts of revenge for their mistreatment in childhood against their own children, whom they use as scapegoats. Child abuse is still sanctioned -- indeed, held in high regard -- in our society as long as it is defined as child-rearing. It is a tragic fact that parents beat their children in order to escape the emotions from how they were treated by their own parents.
7. If mistreated children are not to become criminals or mentally ill, it is essential that at least once in their life they come in contact with a person who knows without any doubt that the environment, not the helpless, battered child, is at fault. In this regard, knowledge or ignorance on the part of society can be instrumental in either saving or destroying a life. Here lies the great opportunity for relatives, social workers, therapists, teachers, doctors, psychiatrists, officials and nurses to support the child and believe in her or him.
8. Till now, society has protected the adult and blamed the victim. It has been abetted in its blindness by theories, still in keeping with the pedagogical principles of our great-grandparents, according to which children are viewed as crafty creatures, dominated by wicked drives, who invent stories and attack innocent parents or desire them sexually. In reality, children tend to blame themselves for their parents' cruelty and to absolve their parents, whom they invariably love [I would say 'need' - SH] of all responsibility.
9. For some years now, it has been possible to prove, through new therapeutic methods, that repressed traumatic experiences of childhood are stored up in the body and, though unconscious, exert an influence even in adulthood. In addition, electronic testing of the fetus has revealed a fact previously unknown to most adults -- that a child responds to and learns both tenderness and cruelty from the very beginning.
10. In the light of this new knowledge, even the most absurd behavior reveals its formerly hidden logic once the traumatic experiences of childhood need no longer remain shrouded in darkness.
11. Our sensitization to the cruelty with which children are treated, until now commonly denied, and to the consequences of such treatment will as a matter of course bring an end to the perpetuation of violence from generation to generation.
12. People whose integrity has not been damaged in childhood, who were protected, respected, and treated with honesty by their parents, will be -- both in their youth and in adulthood -- intelligent, responsive, empathic and highly sensitive. They will take pleasure in life and will not feel any need to kill or even hurt others or themselves. They will use their power to defend themselves, not to attack others. They will not be able to do otherwise than respect and protect those weaker than themselves, including their own children, because this is what they have learned from their own experience, and because it is this knowledge (and not the experience of cruelty) that has been stored up inside them from the beginning. It will be inconceivable to such people that earlier generations had to build up a gigantic war industry in order to feel comfortable and safe in this world. Since it will not be their unconscious drive in life to ward off intimidation experienced at a very early age, they will be able to deal with attempts at intimidation in their adult life more rationally and creatively. p 283-284
This is my life, my story....at least it was up until two years ago. Almost word for word. A friend sent this to me in the midst of the chaos in Sandy Hook this past week and an impassioned dialogue that followed regarding gun control and mental health in this country. I would love to have a correspondence with you to discuss the incredible similarities in our shared experiences. Sincere and heartfelt best wishes on this incredibly painful journey.-John
You Americans are so quick to diagnose your children with mental disorders, and give them medication as a result. I truly wonder if this itself is a source of mental disorder. No doubt he behaved in way which was disrupting (which by the way is normal for children) to be taken down to a hospital and be diagnosed with ADHD or the likes. The sad thing is, you even state in the article 'you don't know what is wrong with him' but you have still given him 'a SLEW of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals'. Seriously troubling. Frankly, I'm not surprised your child tells you he hates you when you are incarcerating him at the slightest statement; like some Nazi regime in which your child is force fed brain numbing drugs to make him behave, as well as being told that there is something wrong with him. It's as simple as this: if you keep treating a child like a burden and a freak simply because they give you a hard time (which again is normal), they are going to react, and with time, worse. The issue is of your own creation - and is sourced from your own mental disorder; namely: weakness, ignorance, and selfishness. I am truly shocked by this article, and its candid exposure of yourself - you truly regard yourself as the victim: as victim of your own child. Pathetic.
You Americans are so quick to diagnose your children with mental disorders, and give them medication as a result. I truly wonder if this itself is a source of mental disorder. No doubt he behaved in way which was disrupting (which by the way is normal for children) to be taken down to a hospital and be diagnosed with ADHD or the likes. The sad thing is, you even state in the article 'you don't know what is wrong with him' but you have still given him 'a SLEW of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals'. Seriously troubling. Frankly, I'm not surprised your child tells you he hates you when you are incarcerating him at the slightest statement; like some Nazi regime in which your child is force fed brain numbing drugs to make him behave, as well as being told that there is something wrong with him. It's as simple as this: if you keep treating a child like a burden and a freak simply because they give you a hard time (which again is normal), they are going to react, and with time, worse. The issue is of your own creation - and is sourced from your own mental disorder; namely: weakness, ignorance, and selfishness. I am truly shocked by this article, and its candid exposure of yourself - you truly regard yourself as the victim: as victim of your own child. Pathetic.
You Americans are so quick to diagnose your children with mental disorders, and give them medication as a result. I truly wonder if this itself is a source of mental disorder. No doubt he behaved in way which was disrupting (which by the way is normal for children) to be taken down to a hospital and be diagnosed with ADHD or the likes. The sad thing is, you even state in the article 'you don't know what is wrong with him' but you have still given him 'a SLEW of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals'. Seriously troubling. Frankly, I'm not surprised your child tells you he hates you when you are incarcerating him at the slightest statement; like some Nazi regime in which your child is force fed brain numbing drugs to make him behave, as well as being told that there is something wrong with him. It's as simple as this: if you keep treating a child like a burden and a freak simply because they give you a hard time (which again is normal), they are going to react, and with time, worse. The issue is of your own creation - and is sourced from your own mental disorder; namely: weakness, ignorance, and selfishness. I am truly shocked by this article, and its candid exposure of yourself - you truly regard yourself as the victim: as victim of your own child. Pathetic.
So many comments, that I'm afraid you will not see mine. I hope you do. I am Adam Lanzas brother (not really of course, just taking your lead, my brother is very mentally ill, and we live in the same home, he is 38, i am 36)). I have seen mental illness up close, for over 20 years. I would really like to talk to you. I can be found at t4rsr5@gmail.com
There needs to be a community about this. Your open letter might be a god starting point.
Oh wow. I just took a moment that I don't have :) to read back through a few of the posts right before mine and it looks like we are all coming from similar places. PLEASE, Liza, take it to heart. It may save you and many other heartache and heartbreak- and it may just be the thing to keep Michael from a mental institution being doped up on tranquilizers for the rest of his life. There is a reason we have all taken time to write these things- there is something to it. Please heed it for the sake of your dear one, if not yourself. What can it hurt, after all?
And, btw, I mentioned my family with mental illness: i did not mean to imply that ALL of my family has mental illness. Just that it has shown up very obviously (in some cases very bad, indeed) and in some members of both sides it resides. Some others in *both sides* have suffered odd and debilitating physical illness instead, which is also something gluten intolerance can to do a body.
Praying for you and yours,
Kristen
You Americans are so quick to diagnose your children with mental disorders, and give them medication as a result. I truly wonder if this itself is a source of mental disorder. No doubt he behaved in way which was disrupting (which by the way is normal for children) to be taken down to a hospital and be diagnosed with ADHD or the likes. The sad thing is, you even state in the article 'you don't know what is wrong with him' but you have still given him 'a SLEW of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals'. Seriously troubling. Frankly, I'm not surprised your child tells you he hates you when you are incarcerating him at the slightest statement; like some Nazi regime in which your child is force fed brain numbing drugs to make him behave, as well as being told that there is something wrong with him. It's as simple as this: if you keep treating a child like a burden and a freak simply because they give you a hard time (which again is normal), they are going to react, and with time, worse. The issue is of your own creation - and is sourced from your own mental disorder; namely: weakness, ignorance, and selfishness. I am truly shocked by this article, and its candid exposure of yourself - you truly regard yourself as the victim: as victim of your own child! Pathetic. Take responsibility for God's sake.
So many comments, that I'm afraid you will not see mine. I hope you do. I am Adam Lanzas brother (not really of course, just taking your lead, my brother is very mentally ill, and we live in the same home)). I have seen mental illness up close, for over 20 years. I would really like to talk to you. I can be found at t4rsr5@gmail.com
There needs to be a community about this. Your open letter might be a god starting point.
You Americans are so quick to diagnose your children with mental disorders, and give them medication as a result. I truly wonder if this itself is a source of mental disorder. No doubt he behaved in way which was disrupting (which by the way is normal for children) to be taken down to a hospital and be diagnosed with ADHD or the likes. The sad thing is, you even state in the article 'you don't know what is wrong with him' but you have still given him 'a SLEW of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals'. Seriously troubling. Frankly, I'm not surprised your child tells you he hates you when you are incarcerating him at the slightest statement; like some Nazi regime in which your child is force fed brain numbing drugs to make him behave, as well as being told that there is something wrong with him. It's as simple as this: if you keep treating a child like a burden and a freak simply because they give you a hard time (which again is normal), they are going to react, and with time, worse. The issue is of your own creation - and is sourced from your own mental disorder; namely: weakness, ignorance, and selfishness. I am truly shocked by this article, and its candid exposure of yourself - you truly regard yourself as the victim: as victim of your own child! Pathetic. Take responsibility for God's sake.
So many comments, that I'm afraid you will not see mine. I hope you do. I am Adam Lanzas brother (not really of course, just taking your lead, my brother is very mentally ill, and we live in the same home)). I have seen mental illness up close, for over 20 years. I would really like to talk to you. I can be found at t4rsr5@gmail.com
There needs to be a community about this. Your open letter might be a god starting point.
You Americans are so quick to diagnose your children with mental disorders, and give them medication as a result. I truly wonder if this itself is a source of mental disorder. No doubt he behaved in way which was disrupting (which by the way is normal for children) to be taken down to a hospital and be diagnosed with ADHD or the likes. The sad thing is, you even state in the article 'you don't know what is wrong with him' but you have still given him 'a SLEW of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals'. Seriously troubling. Frankly, I'm not surprised your child tells you he hates you when you are incarcerating him at the slightest statement; like some Nazi regime in which your child is force fed brain numbing drugs to make him behave, as well as being told that there is something wrong with him. It's as simple as this: if you keep treating a child like a burden and a freak simply because they give you a hard time (which again is normal), they are going to react, and with time, worse. The issue is of your own creation - and is sourced from your own mental disorder; namely: weakness, ignorance, and selfishness. I am truly shocked by this article, and its candid exposure of yourself - you truly regard yourself as the victim: as victim of your own child! Pathetic. Take responsibility for God's sake.
well one of the biggest issues I see is to many people that think jumping to conclusions and blaming the parent, jumping to conclusions is not a valid form of exercise.
TO the author, I hope this helps you and many of your readers:
I know that there are several overlapping areas of symptoms when it comes to medical or mental issues.
I know someone that has a son that used to have major meltdowns, diagnosis as a child was ADHD and tried all the medications but none helped they actually made them worse. As an adult they changed the diagnosis to Asperger syndrom and changed them to the medications for that and he is now a productive citizen without the meltdowns.
my advice would be if the medications aren't helping or seem to be making things worse, talk to the doctor and the rest of the team about it and consider it may be something else
Michael is a sociopath / psychopath and as such is highly manipulative and also unremorseful of the pain and damage he inflicts on the lives of others. In fact, he enjoys their pain, it gives him revenge and control over people. All the followup apologies are acts of manipulation to get back to taking from and using people again.
The mother is working very hard to find a way to raise a psychopath and perhaps the bravest thing she is doing is recognizing, telling authorities and even sharing with readers that this is truly who her son is and that she is at a loss to protect him and to protect the world from him. She is laying her soul bare on this point.
I'm not aware of any successful treatment for sociopaths. And the cause of their nature is not certain. Some may think it's a physical brain malfunction and others that it's possession by the devil making the sociopath evil incarnate. Either way the parent and society are left with the same question: what can we do?
Michael's mother feels sure of one thing, hiding and lying about or denying the situation will not make it go away. She is right.
You Americans are so quick to diagnose your children with mental disorders, and give them medication as a result. I truly wonder if this itself is a source of mental disorder. No doubt he behaved in a way which was disrupting (which by the way is normal for children) to be taken down to a hospital and be diagnosed with ADHD or the likes. The sad thing is, you even state in the article 'you don't know what is wrong with him' but you have still given him 'a SLEW of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals'. Seriously troubling. Frankly, I'm not surprised your child tells you he hates you when you are incarcerating him at the slightest statement; like some Nazi regime in which your child is force fed brain numbing drugs to make him behave, as well as being told that there is something wrong with him. It's as simple as this: if you keep treating a child like a burden and a freak simply because they give you a hard time (which again is normal), they are going to react, and with time, worse. The issue is of your own creation - and is sourced from your own mental disorder; namely: weakness, ignorance, and selfishness. I am truly shocked by this article, and its candid exposure of yourself - you truly regard yourself as the victim: as victim of your own child! Pathetic. Take responsibility for God's sake.
I have a daughter with autism. I dont hink thats what it is or it may part of the issue have you tried getting him on medication for bipolar disorder cause thats what it sounds like to me. the only reason i suggest this is that my husband is bipolar and before meds he acted the same way not as violent mind you but he woould be all happy one momment the mad the next. My daughter is also very smart as well she can tell you just about anything about dinosaurs. I think as long as your peditrican and other doctors are adamant about helping your son they should be able to narrow it down and once you get the right combination of meds and theraphy its helps tons. Candice P.
Your bravery on posting this is to be commended. Strangely, your son's outbursts seem to mimic many of the same symptoms that a my brother, who is now happily married, and in the law enforcement community experienced.
He too had a very high IQ, but at times struggled in school due to a learning disability (one of many that have been mentioned in other posts) that was not diagnosed until university. When he was a child, he suffered from terrible nightmares and extreme emotional outbursts, these dreams were so terrible that he did not sleep through the night without waking up my parents until he was almost 10 years old. I can remember threats that he made before he was a teen (thankfully he never carried them out) that made my parents worry.
A family friend, was also a clinical nurse recognized that some of his symptoms were very similar to experiences she had as a child and an adult, and many of his outbursts occurred before traditional mealtimes. Our friend suggested that he might have hypoglycemia. Hypoglycemia is the opposite of diabetes, a condition caused by low blood sugar. Although with most people, symptoms manifest as shakiness and irritability, but extreme outbursts of anger, with threats of harm to others on one's self are also recorded.
It took several years, and the help of a family friend who was a doctor to finally have a specialist evaluate him. After a day of simple blood sugar tests, we were able to know conclusively that he had hypoglycemia. Within a week of controlling his diet (in a similar manner to a diabetic diet) with foods rich in protein and complex carbohydrates and regular (5 small meals a day) that release into the body slowly, his personality completely changed. He slept through the night, his emotional outbursts were under control.
While I am not a medical doctor, I can't help but think some of your sons symptoms are similar, and this could be one of the causes of his problems. My prayers go out to you.
We too, are parents of a child that suffers from mental illness. Our son was not diagnosed until he was in his twenties which makes getting help all the more harder.
Like you we have been told by our District Attorney that we will just have to wait until our son either harms himself or others before anything can be done. When you hear this your heart doesn't just sink in your chest, it hits the floor!
We have also been to the ER countless times with our son, only to see him released within 5 minutes of his arrival. Simply because the 20 minute ride to the nearest hospital allowed him to calm down and the attending doctor did not observe him presenting dangerous behavior.
Why? Why do we have to wait until there is a tragedy? At that point it becomes too late.
Why do parents with children affected by mental illness have to live each day in fear that their child may be the next national headline?
Dialogues must open between families who are affected by mental illness and lawmakers so that laws are changed that allow us to get our afflicted loved ones the help they so desperately need.
Likewise, dialogues with healthcare professionals and insurance companies need to begin so that these people are no longer left untreated.
You people are horrible that criticize the parenting. WTF is wrong with you? Go somewhere else. You have no idea what it is like to have a child like this. To watch your child go from being a straight A student in honors classes to not being able to form coherent words or sentences in less than 6 mos the child you knew is just gone and there is no medicine that will help him so far. Shame on you for your judgments of what you don't understand. Our lives are full of appointments and at the end of the Day we are spent. Nothing quiets our worry or pain. When my son has to be hospitalized he's there with juvenile criminals, drug addicts and violent kids. My son isn't any of those things and he is scared. The last time we had to put him in for inpatient treatment, there were no beds in the town we live available so we had to travel 2 states away to get him help. He is still not better. We stream file to find help everyday and there is only so much they can do because his psychosis is sooo much he's never truly here with us to pay attention enough to learn how to cope with this disorder. You people that say it's parenting are ignorant uneducated baboons. Go to college or keep your opinion to yourself.
i like ur blog a lot i know u probably havent heard this or so much wanting to it being ur son, but im afraid thier might be some sort of possesion going on. Most people dont beleive in that kind of stuff but there are a couple things u can do to see but its very dangerous if u are found out by the demon.I will not discuss this furthur on this blog. If interested email me back or just delete this cuz u didnt like what u heard it matters to me though thats why the paragraph. hillmathew35@yahoo.com
This is my brother. He was never dangerous to US but he threatened to kill himself and attempted to multiple times before the system failed him and he molested a child. Has been in prison or a state hospital ever since. They cannot treat his illness effectively, there are no treatments that work. I honestly feel he'd be better off dead than institutionalized, having psychotic breaks every few months and with all the side effects of the medications he's on.
Please contact me: damianmarksmyth@damianmarksmyth.com
I can help:
Look at this website in the meantime: www.threeprinciplesmovies.com
There is a way out...
My 17 year old daughter has been diagnosed as bipolar, add, odd, ied. Pretty much every letter in the alphabet. She also has a low IQ. She has been hospitalized twice for cutting herself and for suicidal threats. Last week she started a fire in the trash can in the girls bathroom of her high school. I was shocked. I would have never thought in a million years that she would do such a thing and that got me to thinking what else is she capable of. When I read about the mother of Adam Lanza I see myself. Taking care of my daughter is exhausting and all consuming. I never know what she is going to do next. I have insurance that pays for her psychiatrist and her medication, but finding a good therapist is next to impossible. She really needs long term residential treatment but it is not available. It is available to those on medicaid and the extremely wealthy, but my insurance doesn't cover it. I am terrified of becoming the next mother of a monster. We do have guns but they are locked in a safe at all times. The lighter that she used to start the fire at her school was one that she had stolen from a store. I sympathize with you and your son. I cringe when I see people bashing the parents of these kids who commit these horrible acts. They have no idea what we go through every single day. I want help for my daughter, but I haven't been able to find what she needs. I pray that someday mental health services will become accessible to all who need it. I truly believe that is the answer to many many problems in this country.
There IS help and a way out. Please contact me: damianmarksmyth@damianmarksmyth.com
Also see www.threeprinciplesmovies.com for more information.
I am and was just as your son on a lessor level, however as I have grown older, I am now 48, my illness progressed and has interfered in my life tremendously. My family has suffered more than you can imagine and the gossip and fear of friends and others that do not understand or want to deal with these problems has hurt my reputation and my ability to sustain a marriage or hold down a career. I understand your son and was able to get through school because of the compassion of my teachers. I too was an AP student. I was able to express myself both intellectually and musically at the time. It gave me an outlet to create reason for the chaos that controlled my mind occasionally. I was not on medication then as I was not as dangerous as your son. However, you are right, I witnessed the closure of 13.000 mental health hospitals during the Reagan era which I believe has contributed to what we are all witnessing now. The only thing I wanted to say to you was that you are educated and strong, that is something that many of the parents of mentally ill children are not. That is very big problem. As the system cannot be changed or can change be supported or created by poorly educated people. My mental illness may have been environmentally caused or what they called by nurture rather than nature, but either way, I just wanted to let you know, that I have been in these places that your son has been taken to and they do not treat the mentally ill appropriately. The police brutalize initially and then we are expected to trust and adhere to societal rules that are to be administered by them. It is a bit of catch twenty two. I don't know the solution, however, I think it begins with our educational system and it's personal awareness of special care and guidance for people like your son and many others. The Psychiatric Board of America needs to be on trial in some of these cases as they are the one's that allow a lot of these people to be recycled through the system and ultimately not treated and therefore they act out and harm themselves and others. As I said, I don't know the answer, but I think awareness and re-evaluting our education and psychiatric board is the first step. When we change our approach and become more aware then we can change the rest of the chain. Before then, we will be in this catch twenty two system.
Perhaps your sanity is in question for dumping out 15 crazy babies you can't feed like a stray cat, or spending your time self absorbed with blogging to strangers on the net versus raising your kids. Or your hysteria over your son calling you a bitch and calling ambulances you can't afford. I'm sure he's not the first person who has thought you where a crazy bitch since you`re a single mother, but it must not be your problem and therefore it's a symptom of mental disease in your son. Now the only way he sees of escaping your insanity and torment micromanaging the color of his pants and going into fits of rage when your authority is questioned is to kill you; which is now the root to his perceived mental condition. Everyone that thinks your a bitch and wants you to die must be crazy...
I am and was just as your son on a lessor level, however as I have grown older, I am now 48, my illness progressed and has interfered in my life tremendously. My family has suffered more than you can imagine and the gossip and fear of friends and others that do not understand or want to deal with these problems has hurt my reputation and my ability to sustain a marriage or hold down a career. I understand your son and was able to get through school because of the compassion of my teachers. I too was an AP student. I was able to express myself both intellectually and musically at the time. It gave me an outlet to create reason for the chaos that controlled my mind occasionally. I was not on medication then as I was not as dangerous as your son. However, you are right, I witnessed the closure of 13.000 mental health hospitals during the Reagan era which I believe has contributed to what we are all witnessing now. The only thing I wanted to say to you was that you are educated and strong, that is something that many of the parents of mentally ill children are not. That is very big problem. As the system cannot be changed or can change be supported or created by poorly educated people. My mental illness may have been environmentally caused or what they called by nurture rather than nature, but either way, I just wanted to let you know, that I have been in these places that your son has been taken to and they do not treat the mentally ill appropriately. The police brutalize initially and then we are expected to trust and adhere to societal rules that are to be administered by them. It is a bit of catch twenty two. I don't know the solution, however, I think it begins with our educational system and it's personal awareness of special care and guidance for people like your son and many others. The Psychiatric Board of America needs to be on trial in some of these cases as they are the one's that allow a lot of these people to be recycled through the system and ultimately not treated and therefore they act out and harm themselves and others. As I said, I don't know the answer, but I think awareness and re-evaluting our education and psychiatric board is the first step. When we change our approach and become more aware then we can change the rest of the chain. Before then, we will be in this catch twenty two system.
Perhaps your sanity is in question for dumping out 15 crazy babies you can't feed like a stray cat, or spending your time self absorbed with blogging to strangers on the net versus raising your kids. Or your hysteria over your son calling you a bitch and calling ambulances you can't afford. I'm sure he's not the first person who has thought you where a crazy bitch since you`re a single mother, but it must not be your problem and therefore it's a symptom of mental disease in your son. Now the only way he sees of escaping your insanity and torment micromanaging the color of his pants and going into fits of rage when your authority is questioned is to kill you; which is now the root to his perceived mental condition. Everyone that thinks your a bitch and wants you to die must be crazy...
Perhaps your sanity is in question for dumping out 15 crazy babies you can't feed like a stray cat, or spending your time self absorbed with blogging to strangers on the net versus raising your kids. Or your hysteria over your son calling you a bitch and calling ambulances you can't afford. I'm sure he's not the first person who has thought you where a crazy bitch since you`re a single mother, but it must not be your problem and therefore it's a symptom of mental disease in your son. Now the only way he sees of escaping your insanity and torment micromanaging the color of his pants and going into fits of rage when your authority is questioned is to kill you; which is now the root to his perceived mental condition. Everyone that thinks your a bitch and wants you to die must be crazy...
I share your pain. I have a son who is psychopathic. You do realize that by talking about this, how we are affected by personality disorders (didn't take but two seconds to figure out that your spouse is a narc), we stand to look "crazier" you do realize that some woman on George Takei's page is literally accusing you of child abuse and implying turning you in for your "honesty'.
Keep talking. I will too.
Other people with personality disorders won't like it. Be prepared for that and get lots of support.
God bless you and your family.
This story made me stop hiding & share my own. U touchd me, u reached me.& we r not alone n this. Thanku!
They used to do frontal lobotomies for this kind of extreme violent behavior "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest." It's too bad, but maybe something like this is required.
Thank you for sharing! I am frofound help from Naomi Aldort. Check her out. She is really good. Best wishes
Anti depressants are the problem..Google ssristories.com
Thank you for sharing your deepest fears. I have got frofound help and insights through a coach in America called NAOMI ALDORT!
Among other things she teaches to stand by your child no matter what. The child is probably feeling left out to some stranger by his own mother his source of love and comfort.
This story made me stop hiding & share my own. U touchd me, u reached me.& we r not alone n this. Thanku!
Geez louise - I never knew there were so many experts on this particular woman's child. Why do people who have never met a person feel it is their business to correct them so vehemently?
I don't know about the rest of you, particularly those who have children who are struggling with mental illness or something else, but speaking for myself, I knew there was something not right about my daughter almost from birth. I knew it the same way I knew from conception that she was a girl. It's a maternal thing - I just knew something was different. I didn't like the thought and didn't think there was much to be gained by dwelling on it, so I stuck it in the back of my mind and proceeded to raise my daughter just as she was. It was mostly delightful - she could do the craziest things, like build a tower intentionally crooked, having strange ritualistic “meetings” with her Sesame Street toys would suddenly appear to be trying to recreate stonehenge, and she’d recite surprisingly long stories to herself while I pushed her on a swing.
Stop me when this starts sounding normal – she’s still not even 2 years old.
In the spring we sat at our little tykes picnic table and she informed me one day that she would be in charge from now on. She was quite serious about it – we fought over that job until we dragged her off to college when she was 18. She planted marigold seeds and the damned things grew like weeds, despite the fact that we only watered them once or twice. They were indoors, too. I’ve never been able to do anything with a marigold before or since.
When we went to the doctor for her two year old check up she demanded that he give her his otoscope (the word was in a Mr. Rogers boo) The guy about fell off his stool and then promptly lit into me for "teaching" her to say that. The whole while he was lecturing me she was singing a little made-up song about quarks, which was the final component of her atomic structure. It was my husband who'd discovered that one - I didn't know from quarks. I thought it was a made up word.
Dear Beautiful Mother. Thank you so much for writing this. I knew a boy with a similar story, who we love and feared. One day he killed himself in the schol parking lot. The whole community- teachers, neighbors, friends, family- were at loss, and guilty because we all wished we could have done something more to prevent his death but nobody knew what to do, and nobody suspected it would happen. I wish you, your son and your other family members courage and may many kind and insightful helpers and supporters in all walks of life.
This story made me stop hiding & share my own. U touchd me, u reached me.& we r not alone n this. Thanku!
I said this very thing to warring friends on facebookthis afternoon. I will finalize thx adoption of my sometimes violently mentally I'll son next month. I am a mental health counselor. I live in Idaho as well. I was told he had no hope, to give him up. He has medicad, I got him every treatment available including turning my home into a treatment center, and I still had to fight to have him hospitized after frequently telling me how he'd lie to watch me bleed to death after stabbing me. He's doing fine now but tomorrow I may get a call from thx school about him wandering the room poking other students with pencils during math, threatening to blow up the computer lab or who knows. I pressed charges, and was told 11 was too young to do anything, or they were hesitent because of his mental illness, he laughed and got more violent. He's at a charter school because he would be sent to the lockdown school with the just plain criminal or violent kids if he had to be in muddle school. He was the youngest kid on the unit at the state hospital and could wind up the older kids and staff on a whim so he could feel justified in being violent because he felt better. In type place he was supposed to get the most help, he was the most violent. when he came home I got himwrapariund services only medicaid will pay for from the company I work for so he can't triangulate. I managed to get testing that seperated them reactive attachment disorder out enough to see the autism spectrum disorder pdd , so now hell get another 17 hours of treatment a week. I hot e my 2 year battle to save my child ends better than the Adam lanza stories and yet I ould be that mother. And I have done everything there is to do.And what will happen is those awful so called; professionals who said my son would never be any better will say they told me so. Only kids who are thrown away in group homes where people don't bother to notice his shoes are 2 sizes too small kill people too. At least my son, your son are loved. If your son has a dx of pdd he can get medicaid and help your insurance or any won't cover. Long I know.
Thank you thank you thank you...........I have an 18 yr old son. He has Aspergers, ADHD with violent tendencies, and anti-social disorder. A very bright child, but very dangerous. Once he turned 18 he became an "Adult" and it was then that I was told that only HE can get himself medical help. He refused to go to appointments and went off his medication. Now, being 6ft6 he towered over me. His behavior was out of control. He became violent to me and his younger brother and sister. One night he stood over me (the first time I was truly scared of him) and said he was gonna kill us all. It was the sadest day of my life. The police were called and he was removed from our home.He now lives in another State and lives the life of sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll. I love my son, and worry about him every day. I now know that at this stage of his life, the only way he could get help is if he was arrested. Sad, but true.
There are many options other than sending your 13 year old to prison. Have you consider boarding school where he would need to learn his own responsibility and be independent? Or foreign exchange programs where he is away from family and needs to learn fitting nto and appreciating different social structure? If you can find foreign exchange program in countries in Africa or Asia that might help as well. Did you consider scoute programs, try to find his passion for outdoors, long travels in nature, or learning electronics or computers or emotional outlets like music or painting where he is willing to devote most of his time and energy so getting these rage become even less frequent? May be you can also try religion or humanities related activities? Have him get more engaged in more interesting or social work instead of threatening to ground all the times? Im really not sure what you have described is mental illness that requires putting child on drugs. You also need to check if you have allowed your child to play lots of video games, watch unrestricted tv channels, exposed to violent news, provided lessons and examples of not obeying rules or not respect social constraints (being anarchist yourself) and have friends with bad influence. All those can add up very quickly to this behavior. Another side note, this kind of behavior seems to be more prevalent in single mom families without father figure that demands respect and adds authority aspect. I wonder if this plays in to child psychology as well.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. This has been in my heart since the shooting and you have expressed it so eloquently. I can also relate with my 10 year old son, so your blog was personal for me as well. Your children are lucky to have a mother like you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I truly hope your family will get the help he needs, I think the common person, at least in my country, Iceland, is caching up on this problem but the system is most often decades behind... I hope the current administration gives this issue its needed action.
however, I also hope that you can find it in you to remove the names of the murderers so that this will not be one of the places that gets violent, mentally disturbed persons to idolize them (even though your blog does not give cause to idolization it could for the wrong person reading, seeing only what they want out of your words)
Thank you dearly for sharing your story with the public and for raising our consciousness
I have worked with young people with similar issues, especially profoundly gifted children with anti-social or violent tendencies. I have no magic formula, but I may be able to offer some assistance or information. If you would like to discuss this, feel free to contact me by email at
gifted (at) new-culture.org
I have worked with young people with similar issues, especially profoundly gifted children with anti-social or violent tendencies. I have no magic formula, but I may be able to offer some assistance or information. If you would like to discuss this, feel free to contact me by email at
gifted (at) new-culture.org
My goodness! The Anarchist Soccer Mom deleted my two posts in which I stated the following:
1. Unconditional love for your child is the only way forward.
2. Don't sweat the small stuff.
3. Forget about 'tough love'.
4. Don't threaten your child with the police or a mental hospital.
5. Under no circumstances call in the police to deal with the difficulties you are having with your child.
6. Be in your child's corner. Be on his side. Treat him with respect.
7. Have faith in your child's ability to grow up to be a wonderful person.
8.Never give up.Persist in showering your child with love, tolerance, understanding, support.
9. Don't focus on your child's illness (if he has one), focus on your unique, wonderful child, who is trying to make his way in the world.
10. Medication is often required in cases like these - but don't make a fuss about the disease or the pills.
Did I come too close to some kind of truth in this regard, so that the mother felt the need to delete my comments?
I can assure you this is the only way to go. Lots of love to you, and your children.
God bless you. Thank you for your honest heartfelt story. Good luck.
Well instead of curing symptoms, I think you should try to cure root cause. So the question is why your son did it. I think it is that he lacks social interactions with people who can understand him and reading is possibly the way he can express his feelings, form of social interaction. It may be good to not force him into return books he may like.. I think it is good to understand why he did it, or at least try it.
Anti depressants are the cause of these violent out breaks..Two years ago my 17 year old brother committed suicide of a mix of these drugs..google ssristories.com
My heart goes out to you! Please check out this inner healing and deliverance Christian ministry. It's not a money scam, it's not new age or anything scary. It's just asking Jesus to heal and set them free - it's all in the new testament. http://www.heartssetfree.org/
To understand more about it, check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/Two-Hours-Freedom-Effective-Deliverance/dp/0800794982
I don't work for them, but I've gone through healing from them so I highly encourage you to try it. Jesus can heal.
I sad this very thing to warring friends on facebookthis afternoon. I will finalize thx adoption of my sometimes violently mentally I'll son next month. I am a mental health counselor. I live in Idaho as well. I was told he had no hope, to give him up. He has medicad, I got him every treatment available including turning my home into a treatment center, and I still had to fight to have him hospitized after frequently telling me how he'd lie to watch me bleed to death after stabbing me. He's doing fine now but tomorrow I may get a call from thx school about him wandering the room poking other students with pencils during math, threatening to blow up the computer lab or who knows. I pressed charges, and was told 11 was too young to do anything, or they were hesitent because of his mental illness, he laughed and got more violent. He's at a charter school because he would be sent to the lockdown school with the just plain criminal or violent kids if he had to be in muddle school. He was the youngest kid on the unit at the state hospital and could wind up the older kids and staff on a whim so he could feel justified in being violent because he felt better. In type place he was supposed to get the most help, he was the most violent. when he came home I got himwrapariund services only medicaid will pay for from the company I work for so he can't triangulate. I managed to get testing that seperated them reactive attachment disorder out enough to see the autism spectrum disorder pdd , so now hell get another 17 hours of treatment a week. I hot e my 2 year battle to save my child ends better than the Adam lanza stories and yet I ould be that mother. And I have done everything there is to do.And what will happen is those awful so called; professionals who said my son would never be any better will say they told me so. Only kids who are thrown away in group homes where people don't bother to notice his shoes are 2 sizes too small kill people too. At least my son, your son are loved. If your son has a dx of pdd he can get medicaid and help your insurance or any won't cover. Long I know.
Way to ruin your child's life. In the age of digital archiving and employers Googling candidates' entire lives, this will make sure he is never hired anywhere... ever. And worse, when he and your other children are old enough to get online and goes to look up their names, they will see exactly how you feel about them and all the spiteful words you have thrown their direction.
So many people dismiss these instances as hyperbole, but these are things you think or privately converse with your girlfriends about... you don't make them available for the public to see for the rest of history.
As a high-functioning autistic adult, had my mother outed me as a child or written these things online, I would have NEVER been afforded the chances I've had in life: to hold jobs, to travel, to make friends, to get married. The words you've written have labeled your child with a horrible stigma for the rest of his existence. Even if mental health counselors are able to help rehabilitate him into a productive member of society, he has little chance of ever making use of that ability... thanks to his mother's lack of foresight in protecting her child's identity and privacy.
I'm not even going to begin to wonder what you were thinking when you embarked on this path and what you're thinking now as you accept opportunities to further tarnish your child's image very openly on national television.
While I am the first person in line to scream from the mountaintop about how our country needs better mental health care options, exploiting your child was not the way to do it. I have to wonder if you discussed this with his counselors or a mental health professional familiar with your situation before doing this. Somehow, I doubt it.
I know a lot of people will disagree with me or bitch about how I'm high-functioning so their child is worse off than me and blah blah blah typical pissing contest mommyblogger BS, but I needed to write this to offer the perspective of someone who could have been in your child's position, had my mother not given a damn about my future. Thank goodness she has more sense than that and wow, do I love and appreciate her more now than I ever have!
For all you moms whose children have mental (or even physical) health issues: please PLEASE PLEASE protect your child's identity online. You NEVER know what sort of mental health techniques and therapies will be available over the next few decades as your child grows and turns into an adult. GIVE THEM A CHANCE to be a productive member of society and don't just dismiss them as being hopeless... the minute you put your child's name and/or picture on the internet, along with their issues (and your issues), you are forever attaching that child to whatever you've written about them, good and bad. I'm not saying keep your thoughts to yourself, but take the proper privacy precautions and PLEASE give your kids a chance!
I hope you get a chance to read this. Your son looks like he might have albino eyes. We are unable to shield against wifi. I have Irlen's syndrome and so do my kids. Specially tinted lenses help. Also, we are chemically sensitive, so perfumes, disinfectants, and pesticides can cause mood swings and odd behaviors.
Brain allergies are like being drunk but without the alcohol.
@ Chrissy Hitt: - I obviously don't know you or your son, but reading what you've written - a gifted child who is different at school than home, no apparent reason... there was a time I would have taken any MH diagnosis for my son because it would have been an answer and people would have eased up on me. but when I started reading into gifted traits I was thankful so very very thankful he hadn't been. Read about Edison's read about emotional intensity, and everything else that comes with being gifted and the higher up the gifted scale the more severe/the more traits are often there and to those who deal with the problems in society they are often just focused with MH diagnosis and don't consider gifted as a possibility of the underlying cause but when you dig deeper those comparisons stop so it's not MH.
i'm not doubting MH - I'm just expressing my concern based on my experience.
As parents we all just want our children (and us) to have happy memories, when there are antisocial behaviours happening it makes life tough, but we just need to remember our children rely on us to provide them with their environment and the environment plays a huge part in making those memories
This post was a little unnerving to me. Lets just say that I am all to familiar with mental illnesses and I know first hand the potential strain that it can have on families. When I read this post I see a mother, trying her very best with what little resources are available. That being said I am hesitant to pass any judgement. In the end I hope that all of this attention gives you and your son access to resources that allow you to have a better understanding of what your son is dealing with and useful tools to manage it.
I empathize with what challenges you face. But there is something about the tone of your story. I understand that you have only shared a handful of examples in your post, one being that your son has threatened to kill you and kill himself which is obviously extremely alarming, but you seem so eager to associate your son with all of these men who are responsible for these bloody massacres. It doesn't surprise me that a thought like that would cross the mind of a parent whose child acting out and using violent threats. But I have to wonder, if you are so inclined to share these intimate details of your son's life, what purpose does it serve to post his picture? It is one thing to talk about your struggles as a mother and give details about your anonymous son. But to post a picture of him attached to a post with such a bold proclamation. I'd hate for him to ever see this. For your son's sake I would remove his picture immediately.
You should kill yourself. Calling your son the next mass murderer on national TV. Im from Costa Rica and i heard about it. COngratulations you have ruined your son's life for your 15 mins of fame. You are the worst mom ever.
This article seems to be circulating on Facebook, and generally people are very sympathetic towards, and supportive of, the posture and claims of this parent.
Kindly allow me to very seriously and with a rigorous application of scientific and anthropological reasoning, step forward as the advocate for this, so-called, mentally ill child.
First, shame on this parent for slandering and violating the rights of this child to medical and personal life challenge privacy. When he becomes of age I think he should sue her for damages.
Second, through her entire narrative, the mother blames her child, problematizes his very existence, and in this calls herself an anarchist. Interesting word-choice. She's either incredibly ignorant about what constitutes an anarchistic philosophy or simply likes kich phrases. My notes here will argue for the later possibility.
So, what of this double-entendre? The story goes, a consultant, becomes a parent, and has to get a 'real' job, not for his food or other such reasons. No, she 'has to' get real for his condition, his composition. She berates him for things far beyond his control, and so binds him to his state of wanting and needing (rightly) love and acceptance.
This parent narcissistically blames her child. In this, she bares the weight of her existence on the needs of her child. By this largely unconscious will to destroy his necessary being this parent places her child into a Double (or Triple) Bind.
This author is hardly an anarchist, calling on a God to save the nation, and she idealizes certain cultural markers and grades her son against these, i.e.. her concerns about her son in relation to a totally unrelated set of events in the USA. Has she not perpetuated an absolute myth that the mentally disturbed are in some way violent. Again, if you want a case of rabid violence, please simply take a quick peek at the latest invasion of one much stronger nation into another. Note that doctors were used to make sure that torture subjects lived longer through their interrogations sessions at many military installations in the last two years. So, the correlation between madness and violence is merely a story board.
As for his violent tendencies, certainly something to be worked on with professionals; however, at the end of the day, this is her child. Rather than cast him out, photo and all, on the the internet, to be forever stigmatized as a brute, she ought to attend to the quiet before the storm, his inner pains.
Her son is struggling for her attention, and she's got him guilty. She says, I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me. Posting this one sided story about her son online is incredibly narcissistic, vain, and shortsighted; the whole thing blames him for her woes; never once does she reflect upon his will, his interests, his needs. Yes, I strongly doubt if she loves him in the classic beneficent sense.
The researchers, Gregory Bateson and RD Laing, wrote about this family dynamic at-length, and my own research on psychotic communication aims to contribute towards the same. What's over looked, by a great many well-meaning people, is to understand those suffering, from their within and without. By this, nothing is senseless, nothing is irrelevant, nothing lacks the merit of it's being.
Note, that before we decided to grow grain in Mesopotamia bands of brothers would band-together, kill their fathers, and gang-rape their mothers. We are, by all accounts, an incredibly violent species. What keeps us at bay is civilization, our social organization, as tense a situation as that is (Freud). However, civilization has it's utter pangs and fixations, and at-present we can list them off quite easily.
We are our disease when we become so easily diseased about one-another. When such an abject rejection manifests between mother and child, we bare the responsibility of asking that the needs of a growing, maturing, soon-to-be adult, be put ahead of those of a discomforted parent.
I cant honestly say i know what your going through but i can say that at some point in time in my life i was similar to your son. it started when i was in junior high and progressively got worse through high school. I had over forty different diagnosis. I've been on multiple mood stabilizers antipsyhchotics, seizure, antidepressants and tranquilizers. I've been hospitalized multiple times. the best advice that i can give you being on the other end is be patient maybe see a neuro-psychologist.that is where i eventually found my answer a little before i turned 18. after an immense amount of medical tests and scans through my doctor and going to mayo clinic. Its a difficult road and I prey that your son is not as unique as my self. i hope the best for you and your family.
Praying.
Praying.
I applaud you for writing this.
Here's a piece I wrote about Sarah and her mob. Please share widely, especially on twitter. The author of this blog does not deserve these attacks.
http://kendziorfail.blogspot.com/2012/12/anthropologist-jerk.html
Please check out Empowerplus or Truehope. I have been using this product for 5 years now. It saved my life. I don't mind if you contact me at stumartin@sasktel.net
This is too important not to share.
Please check out Empowerplus or Truehope. This has saved me and thousands of other people. They are not for profit and the answer to mental illness. I have been using it for 5 years now and will never go back to meds because they just do not work long term. Feel free to contact me at stumartin@sasktel.net
So powerful.So sad to think America's healthcare system is so screwed up. My heartfelt sympathies to you having to deal with this, so heartbreaking as a parent.
God bless your son and your family my friend. I will pray for you. Keep your head up. Keep your family encouraged. Plant your feet and give the fight of your life, Magnus
p.s. Don't worry about these so-called "academics" talking non-sense about you. They need to go and find a life.
Reading the rest of your blog, I can't help but just be appalled by your lack of parenting skills and your total lack of respect for your child's privacy. Maybe he has a mental illness, maybe he doesn't....we can't judge that from afar. What can be judged is why you would damage his entire future: you just set him up for far worse outcomes as he will find this, all his friends, and worse, his enemies, will find this and you just created a living hell for him. Now he knows how you truly feel about him, where is he to find hope in that? How is he supposed to resolve his anger issues now, if he truly has any. I read someone's comment that CPS should be called and i thought that seems harsh, the more i think about it i wish i could call CPS myself.
Thank you for sharing your story and Michael's story. While I cannot imagine how hard it is for both of you to go through life with so many unknowns and uncertainties, your strength and love for your son continues to shine through. It must take a lot of courage for you to face the demons he cannot face himself, and it takes a strong (not just physically) mom to accept when your son is not himself and needs a different kind of help. I too agree with you that he does not belong in jail, and those who suggest this are probably grasping at straws. His condition has to be properly diagnosed, understood and treater, and above all, he should still have access to you, the person who understands him more than anyone else. I offer you my positive thoughts and thanks, again, for being so brave and loving to all your kids, and for sharing your eloquent words so timely.
Perhaps a good hard smack on the bottom at the appropriate time?
"Our society doesn't provide other options"
Oh, yes it does, just not in your red state. Your fellow right-wingers prevent funding for the help you now need.
You probably have helped prevent the funding yourself. A self-described conservative with libertarian leanings, I believe you describe yourself as.
Too bad it took your own tragedy to realize that we all need society's help sometimes.
I was so saddened by your trials in life. I don't know if there is a God that is touted by a lot of people, however, I do believe that praying to whatever higher power is a great comfort. I pray that "Micheal" receives the help he needs and that you can finally have peace and experience a life with the love of you son instead of the fear. I have a son with many of the same characteristics as Michael and I fear for him and what he is going to do next constantly. I am praying for you.
Absolutely agree with ya mate @Macey.
such children need extra compassion And kindness
Which raises the question how in the end does society safeguard against those of us who are afflicted, mentally ill, addicted, or any other constraint that impairs our ability to harmoniously co exist within society and or with ourselves? How different could things have turned out if instead of resorting to violence, Adam Lanza could have sought the guidance(without demonization) of a therapist, councilor or for that matter if social instruments and platforms existed that could have enticed Adam Lanza to reflect on his sense of displacement instead of resorting to self capitulation and the destruction of innocent others?
Then again perhaps self capitulation is the essence of what makes us all human ….and perversely draws us to the nihilistic character of Adam Lanza.
http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2012/12/adam-lanza-why-did-he-target-sandy-hook-elementary-school/
Which raises the question how in the end does society safeguard against those of us who are afflicted, mentally ill, addicted, or any other constraint that impairs our ability to harmoniously co exist within society and or with ourselves? How different could things have turned out if instead of resorting to violence, Adam Lanza could have sought the guidance(without demonization) of a therapist, councilor or for that matter if social instruments and platforms existed that could have enticed Adam Lanza to reflect on his sense of displacement instead of resorting to self capitulation and the destruction of innocent others?
Then again perhaps self capitulation is the essence of what makes us all human ….and perversely draws us to the nihilistic character of Adam Lanza.
http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2012/12/adam-lanza-why-did-he-target-sandy-hook-elementary-school/
HI. First of all how remarkable person you are to stand up to Politics in your country and say it is more than Gun laws but Mental illness issues. people are applauding you, well done. I live in Australia seen it put on Facebook your post and seen it on Australian news online. I have a son that is adult with Autism and mental health issues and without his medication he is very scary. When my son was young had to hide all knives and sharp things. Life with my son has been somewhat difficult finding mental health professionals to listen. They do not class Autism as a mental illness, but my son has both I know he does. I have bipolar so I know it runs in families.
Prison issue I know where you coming from there, as my dad is a prison chaplain.. He see mental illness and Autism in the prison mates. It is sad that the mental health system it doesn't matter what country you live in stinks. As a parent you cry out for help and no one listens and you need to turn to the police to be involved, I feel for you.. My son went of his medication this year as his Neurologist said long-term on this medication is no good. Well my son went all Psychotic and violent. Not with me but with others and police could of been involved. I took action and demanded for my son to return to his medication dose and he has had an increase and he is a different calm man.
My son's neurologist referred my son to the public mental health team and he was rejected twice because he is Autistic. So I have had to do my research and I have found a Psychiatrist that specialises in Autism.. It actually pathetic as parents, in my case I am a single mum have to fight to get the treatment. I believe what is happening that the mental health system is failing and tragedies are happening.
One thing I do have I like to share is my faith in God and I pray for my son.. I also take my son to church, I believe this foremost important. I am also dead against violence on tv, movies. The shows that show people how to kill what that can do someone mind that is mental ill or has a developmental disorder can be very harmful. Same with violent video games obsession can turn into plotting to do mass murders.
I actually really sorry for Adam Lanza mum as she must have had it such a difficult time to get help for her son. We do not know what the situation there is but as I can see with your post, myself and many parents out there are doing the same thing and mental health system needs a change and I believe it needs start at school at a very young age when these signs start to emerge. With my son it started very early, and I got him the help... I also feel the mental health act need to look at Autism as mental health disorder and change it in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
Before this Connecticut massacre I was looking at a Degree in Behavioural Science to work and help families in crisis like this. Having experience personally in my own life I see a need to do something and after what has happen and reading your post there is definitely a need.
My blog is
http://myeaglewings-darleen.blogspot.com.au/
Please please read this.
I dated or tried to date a man for a few years who has a personality disorder. What you describe is very familiar to me. We discovered that refined sugars set him off.
If he ate an item with refined sugar in the evening, he was someone I definitely did not want to wake up to. He too is highly intelligent, an engineer that cannot work as one for obvious reasons. He chooses good over evil but knows he's capable of it.
Since we discovered that refined sugars mainly trigger it, along with him suffering from SAD, he is managing much better, without drugs I might add, because he refuses to take any. However, it's hard for him to stay in a relationship of any sort. I do not have much contact with him now but he is progressing in many positive ways. I felt threatened many times and tried to help because I loved him. These people need professional help and understanding, but definitely check for food triggers.
I can't help but wonder if service dogs could provide help to individuals like Michael? Dogs can be trained to help individuals with extreme anxiety, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Autism, seizures, diabetes, Bipolar disorder, etc. They can predict outbursts in individuals with PTSD before they happen and calm them while there is still a chance. Perhaps they could be tailored to help individuals like your son? It may be something worth looking into.
Just a thought + good luck, my heart goes out to you!
I live in a place called Kolkata, India - prviously known as Calcutta to the world. It will not be enough just to say or write and say 'we understand how you feel' or ' my heart goes out to you' .... A mental disorder of this magnitude or I should say acteness is universal and this is not only a mourning for the USA but the whole world at large. This blog is really construstive and purposeful. I thank you personally to have started this awareness program.
You've taken an incredibly pragmatic and honest approach to dealing with your son. It's so difficult to read these responses and to hear how hateful and closed-minded people can be. But keep in mind that coming at the heels of the senseless violence Adam Lanza unleashed, people are especially hateful toward those with mental illness as well as those who care for them. They don't realize that that kind of attitude is a big part of the problem. Listening to the news, "caring for the mentally ill" is practically a footnote to everything else and it seems like that attitude is carried into our society's treatment of those individuals as well. I cried for the children that died in Newtown, but I think it would be an even greater tragedy if we were to not to reexamine our treatment and understanding of the mentally ill in this country. If we don't, not only do we fail the mentally ill and those who have died in such senseless acts of violence, but we ensure that preventable mass shootings continue to happen.
I cannot tell you how this article has resonated with me. My husband also struggles with mental illness, and we also have had our very scary moments. For us, though, discovering the GAPS diet (gapsdiet.com) has made a HUGE difference. We still use a few meds that definitely help, and we have to watch his sleep and diet carefully, but at least we can live together again without being afraid. One other thing I just learned recently is that thyroid problems can manifest as psychiatric illness- we're going to look into that next. Don't give up! There is help, and there is hope!
PROBOTIOTICS = CALM BRAIN
(Can be found in crewable form at health food store for children)
Surprising Benefits of Probiotics
Probiotics—the “good” bacteria in yogurt and fermented foods—may be the new Prozac, helping to control depression, anxiety and other mental disorders, groundbreaking new research suggests.
Among the more unexpected findings is that we have “stress receptors” in our gut, according to Acadia University researchers who have launched a national study of whether probiotics might be a natural antidepressant and stress-reducer.
Scientists are also investigating the role probiotics may play in warding off colds, skin rashes, obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. How can bacteria in the gut combat such a wide range of disorders? Here’s a closer look at the new studies.
Mind-Altering Microbes?
There’s increasing evidence that the unique mix of bacteria in our gut—which is as distinctive as a fingerprint—may affect mental health. For example, people with major depression, panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder have high rates of irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), a 2009 study reported, while an earlier study also linked IBS to obsessive-compulsive disorder.
In a 2011 intriguing experiment aimed at finding out if changing gut bacteria influences brain chemistry, researchers fed mice a probiotic broth containing Lactobacillus rhamnosus JB-1, a type of bacteria that’s found in yogurt and also in the guts of healthy animals and people.
The bacteria-fed mice showed significantly less behavior associated with stress, anxiety and depression than mice fed a plain broth. The bacteria-fed mice also had much lower levels of the stress hormone corticosterone during anxiety-inducing situations, such as being lost in a maze, and were also less likely to drift haplessly while dropped in water (a test for depressive symptoms in animals).
Potential to Treat Psychiatric Disorders with Yogurt
The study also found that probiotics boosts activity of GABA, a calming brain neurotransmitter, increasing the number of receptors in brain areas associated with emotional control, memory and learning. The GABA system contributes to several stress-related mental disorders in people. One common type of anti-anxiety drugs (benzodiazepines) enhances the effects of GABA.
Potential to Use “Yogurt Instead of an Antidepressant”
“These findings [open] up the intriguing opportunity of developing unique microbial-based strategies for treatment of stress-related psychiatric disorders such as anxiety and depression,” senior study author John F. Cryan said in a statement. Should probiotics be shown to have similar effects on people, he added, “You could take a yogurt with a probiotic in it instead of an antidepressant.”
Sometimes I think the law of the jungle is the best way... I know it sounds harsh, but believe me I am far from inhumane and feel deeply for other people. But if you have a pack of dogs and one of them is out of order, violent, crazy (like a dog who's been abused) they won't tolerate shit - they'll nip at it, even attack it into submission if they have to. That dog will learn quick and fast that such crap won't get it *anywhere* if it wants to be a part of the pack, and that if it wants to threaten or attack them that they will attack it back. Usually said dog will end up rehabilitated (or dead if it pushes it too far and is too much of a threat to the pack...)... funny that we human beings don't seem to be able to pull off the same success, perhaps because we believe a little too much in the ideas of 'love' and 'kindness' even when violence is being thrown at us. We seem to want to think that hugs and kisses are the answer to everyone.
Anyway I mean no offence and I know I don't know the details of your situation (so I may be off base in your situation and you can ignore it if so, but I know for plenty of situations I wouldn't be), and I recognise some kids may not respond even to that and might be lost cases in a sense. With such kids there's no choice but to have their freedom limited in some sense so that they can't hurt other people - this is admittedly one of the places where a support system really is necessary.
But I think we've also got to look on the home turf and see how unnaturally we engage in such things as domesticated human beings... we may not like the idea of real harshness, but it's a fact of life and has a place at times. Because just as much as a child deserves a good home, a parent does too.
Anyway just saying the unpopular because I actually care to look at problems critically and solve them... we can all at least agree that our society fails dismally with matters like these, and perhaps we should look first and foremost at ourselves and the role we each play in it being that way.
Take care, and have a good day - and good luck with the challenges with your son.
Wrong. You are not their mother. You are a mother struggling to do what is right for your child and not turning a blind eye to the problem.
I'm yet another person with a son like this, but much older. We've survived on eggshells for years. God help us all.
Give him violent games like Carmageddon 2, heavy metal and dubstep you fucking skank. you killed your son. Korn, eurotrash trance, anything helps. Just not you talking about things, that doesn't help. He must see his dark side in a mirror, and he will let go. Like we in Europe let go. Oh and by the way : Fuck you.
Geeze I do not believe I read a bad message... This mum has done the right thing coming out as she has. It takes courage to write a post about your child's personal details. This mum is going to save lives and Obama better read it...
I can only hole that in this sea of comments, mine finds its way to you, I am in somewhat if a similar situation and would love to communicate with you, I have been unable to find a way to follow your blog or locate an email address for you. Please take mine and feel free to e-mail me if and when you feel that you have time. Longsally1112@yahoo.com
Situation is same all over the world..Nothing happens until someone dies...it's so sad..I live in Finland and recently here has been several family murders..authorities wake when it's too late
Hi Liza,, i m also the mother of a child with mental illnesses, and like you described it is pretty scary. My son has not display yet violent behavior, but i can see in his eyes the potential to do so at any given moment. I think besides gun control the govetment should create better programs to support kids and family going through these issues. Or mothers with same issues need to unite and create s foundation to support, and have campaign just like breastcancer,, diabetes foundations. Personally, i am able to get peace , and wisdom through my buddhist practice. Our children our the reflections of our lives. What deep rooted causes we have,created to have a child like this ? The answered to this question can also helps us better understand our situation.. Thanks for so bravely sharing ur story and best wishes for u and Michaell, he is a beatiful child.
Praying that the time has come to start talking about how we can make mental health research, diagnosis and treatment a priority in our country. Thank you, Liza Long, for getting the dialog started with your heartfelt letter about your beloved son. I am hopeful for his future and happiness, along with so many others who are struggling to live with mental illness.
I cannot begin to imagine what you must be going through. You have a gifted child that came with a big baggage that it is difficult to carry around even with your whole family behind you. Have you ever tried Young Living Therapeutic Grade Essential Oils? These oils have successfully helped many children with emotional imbalance (or some people want to call it mental illness, I'd like to call it an imbalance. You can email me at joanne@y28.com. And btw, I'm writing all the way from Hong Kong, but I want to help.
http://www.eqi.org/signs_of_authority_based_abuse.htm
Signs of Abusive, Authority Based Relationships
This list is based on an adaptation of work from Alice Miller's For Your Own Good and John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame That Binds You
Authority figures (AF) can be parents, partners, teachers, school principals, school directors, supervisors, bosses, religious figureheads, cult leaders, etc. Dependents can be children, teenagers, partners, students, employees, religious followers, etc. What matters is that there is a power imbalance and a dependence of some sort, whether physical, financial, "spiritual," psychological or emotional.
1. AF's are the masters of dependents.
2. AF's alone decide what is right and wrong,, good/bad and "appropriate" and "inappropriate"
3. They alone make up the definitions, the rules, the "choices" and the "consequences" (See pseudo-choices and consequences)
4. Dependents are held responsible for the AF's feelings (anger, disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation, happiness and unhappiness)
5. The AF is only responsible and accountable for good things that happen, never the bad ones. Thus the AF' appears to always be in the right and when things go wrong, the dependent is always blamed and feels responsible and guilty.
6. The AF tries to exercise total control of the dependent by controlling his thoughts, feelings and behavior. Whenever this control is not absolute, the AF feels threatened.
7. The dependent's individuality is minimized as much as possible by the AF.
8. The AF creates an intricate system of punishments and rewards which rob the dependent of any sense of inner direction and esteem.
9. The following freedoms listed by Virginia Satire are denied to the dependent as much as possible:
The freedom to perceive
To think and interpret
To feel
To want, need, and chose
10. The AF never (or rarely) admits mistakes or apologizes.
11. All of the above take place in a way which does not expose the AF's true motives and none of this is openly talked about. No "back talk" is allowed.
Some of the Effects
Mistakes are concealed
People are under constant stress
Needs are frustrated, denied
Fear dominates
Power is based on fear, not respect
Information is withheld and distorted
Information flow is primarily from top down
Behavior is forced; does not come naturally
Behavior is not consistent with true feelings, which adds to the stress
Conflicts and problems are blamed on the dependent's "poor attitudes" and "character flaws."
All of this tears the dependent person apart, causing self-alienation and even self-loathing. The dependent person loses faith in his/her own mind and feelings with devastating self-esteem consequences. Depression, rage, mood swings, co-dependency, self-injury and self-destruction are typical outcomes. If the authority figure is a parent the person will likely develop symptoms of various "disorders" such as the so-called Borderline Personality disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Anoexia, Bulemia etc.
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