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| Michael holding a butterfly |
Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.
“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly
belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.
“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code
says black or khaki pants only.”
“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a
stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have
rights!”
“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone
affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re
grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I
will take you to school.”
I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he
terrifies me.
A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to
kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books.
His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and
locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael,
then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single
Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to
scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.
That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a
paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the
local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael
calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for
Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.
We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism
spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have
all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social
workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a
slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of
behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.
At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an
accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off
the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects
ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and
Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when
he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.
Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began
exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to
transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained
school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can
access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through
Friday until they turn 18.
The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to
argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem
remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look,
Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”
“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this
morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”
His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated
rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this
car right now and kill myself.”
That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he
ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital,
no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the
opposite lane, turning left instead of right.
“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where
are we going?”
“You know where we are going,” I replied.
“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re
sending me straight to hell!”
I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving
for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the
police,” I said. “Hurry.”
Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and
hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several
times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than
he is, but I won’t be for much longer.
The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and
kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled
my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—“Were there any difficulties with....at
what age did your child....were there any problems with...has your child ever
experienced...does your child have....”
At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a
position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you
have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No
individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.
For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the
whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to
check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon
as I get out of here.”
By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies
and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t
believe them anymore.
On the intake form, under the question, “What are your
expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”
And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my
own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for
grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.
I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I
am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am
Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their
mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy
to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.
According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders
involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. (http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map).
Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother
Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did).
But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many
people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.
When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he
said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If
he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the
only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to
you unless you’ve got charges.”
I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic
environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t
deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is
using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to
Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons
quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate
mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated
population. (http://www.hrw.org/news/2006/09/05/us-number-mentally-ill-prisons-quadrupled)
With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered,
prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County
Jail, and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment
centers in 2011 (http://www.npr.org/2011/09/04/140167676/nations-jails-struggle-with-mentally-ill-prisoners)
No one wants to send
a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection
to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken
healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another
tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten
classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”
I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a
meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way
our nation can ever truly heal.
God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
3,760 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 1401 – 1600 of 3760 Newer› Newest»Please, please, please read the book, "Gut and Psychology Syndrome". It is helping people recover from autism, add, adhd, schizophrenia, bi-polar, etc. I am not sure if this is what is going on with your son, but I would not be surprised if it is. You will not be sorry to fork out the cash for this book.
I have been teaching students like your son for over ten years. I love these students and it hurts to imagine the pain their parents endure every day. Most parents wouldn't have the courage to admit, let alone come forth in the way you did. May the Lord continue to bless you with the strength and wisdom you exemplify.
It seems like many people are missing this mother's point and her reasoning behind her post. It seems she is trying to raise awareness of the lack of appropriate mental health resources in the United States. The US has a prevention measure in place called Healthy People 2020. With this initiative, the government is hoping to reduce the amount of children at risk for obesity, diabetes, heart disease, etc. No where in the initiative do they address mental health, and prevention of a downward spiral in mental dysfunctions. There are countless numbers of individuals that have been diagnoses with mental health related issues and lacking proper assistance. This mother does not appear to want a "cookie cutter" child, but one she is better able to care for due to his sensitive, mental condition. It is one thing to say "I hate you", but takes it to a totally different level when a knife is pulled. It is appalling to read some of the comments and how absolutely ignorant (Travis Mays especially included) people are. I am a Pediatric Emergency Department Nurse and see similar to worse situations time and time again. It is partly parenting, but mostly the wiring of mentally dysfunctional children. There are minimal to no resources available to assist parents seeking assistance with children diagnosed with the many different types of mental conditions. We send kids home on countless occasions once they are calm and "swear" they will "be good". Some don't meet inpatient criteria and they get discharged with a mental health referral that gets denied without insurance. It is a vicious cycle and disheartening to know I personally cannot offer these parent's assistance since help minimally exists. There needs to be raised awareness with the lack of appropriate resources...jail and inpatient mental hospital treatment should not be the only answers. The Anarchist Soccer Mom, I commend you on your bravery coming forward and making this post. I hope your post is forwarded to the right people capable of initiating appropriate change.
God Bless You. I am the sister of a man who I believe has bi-polar disorder. I still have nightmares of my mother sitting on my brother trying to calm him down. I know all about the promises of being better. It is a hard life to live. Have you read Gut And Psychology Syndrome by Natasha Campbell McBride? Your son will greatly benefit from this diet. If you have questions email me soundmindnutrition@gmail.com
Agree with the author that a conversation regarding the mentally ill is needed...we have those homeless living on the streets in the name of compassion...in California the Smart-Doyle Act began this uncontrolled spiral for so many...this is from Gov Pat Brown speech Jan 1963 "As in so many fields of government, California is pioneering new methods of treatment for the mentally ill, our number one health problem. I ask you today to extend the programs under which we have reduced the number of mentally ill in our hospitals and increased the number of patients who are able to live useful productive lives in their own communities. To that end, I will submit legislation to increase the state’s contribution to the new local mental health programs under the Short-Doyle Act from the present 50 per cent to 75 per cent."
If you would like more information regarding Short-Doyle go here http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1577700/?page=1 According to the article this bill AB1159 was patterned after a measure that was was passed in 1954 State of New York.
Thank you for posting your story here, our thoughts and prayers are with you, your son, your family.
Thank you. I'm glad this is going viral. It's vital for people to understand the heartbreaking burden that families with mentally ill children deal with 24/7/365. My heart aches for you.
He sounds Bipolar. I am in no way beating up on this mom because I have a kid with special needs and I know how it feels to have others tell you things you have tried or other ways to handle the situation. Although I appreciate the views of other parents like me when I am at a loss of where to turn next.
I know she mentioned a few things, and she may have tried this already and not said it in the article, but I think a mental health professional or Psychiatrist needs to be included in this boy's care team. I only heard one medication that she has tried and that was Zyprexa which makes you very sleepy and out of it.Which makes compliance hard. Some doctors pair that with a low dose ADD medication and an antidepressant that helps. She mentioned she has private insurance which would cover this type of treatment and medication management. Therapy on a weekly basis is needed badly in my opinion. He needs help with confronting these behaviors and mom is too close to the situation.
I feel for her, but there are things available and mental health services that need to be explored that are not mentioned. I pray she finds the path that will work for her. We have mental health professionals all across this nation that can help. You just have to do the research to find them. And dont give up. Your son is worth it.
I wish you well with your struggle, I can't imagine the difficulty you face in your life. The troubles I have in my life are not even worth mentioning in comparison. May peace enter your life, and soon.
Tom
I wish there was a readily available answer to this dilemma. The "easy path" is not always the correct path to take, as evidenced by the lack of mental health facilities vs prisons.
good story. consider checking out this buddhism nstny.org practicing buddhism changes everthing, you , your house ,your family,( especially if they do too). the results are stonger than anything else i ve ever experienced. Also a lot more potent than modern science. the practice is available worldwide.
Whoa. I am appalled by the graphic on this blog that has her a mom wearing an I love Che shirt on.
Oh my GOD. Never mind. This lady is a serious nut job.
A killer who mass murders innocent children is someone she loves???????
There is a clue to her son's problems.
www.truehope.com
My prayers are with you
While I have all the sympathy in the world for your plight with your son, it is worth noting that your avowed conservative, libertarian views on the role of government are completely at odds with your desire for a system of decent mental health care in this country, as well as health insurance that would actually, you know, insure people. Guess which countries are more successful at this than we are? The dreaded "socialist" countries! So which is it that you want- a climate in which your son could get the help he needs or one that fits your philosophy? Because clearly these climates are not one and the same. So as often happens in these situations, no one has any empathy for anyone in a tough situation, unless that person happens to be them. I don't begrudge you any help in the world, and I certainly hope you get it, but there is hypocrisy there.
I realize that with the absolute avalanche of comments you have on here you might not see this, but I wanted to say thank you just in case. I see these tragedies from a different-but-similar perspective -- I am the child of a mentally ill mother. She might not fit the white male profile of a mass murderer, but every time one of these horrible things happen, I feel some of the same things you do. I wrote a blog entry after the Colorado shooting earlier this year in case you are interested: http://blog.melissadunphy.com/2012/07/this-is-probably-bad-idea-but-i-have-to.html
I grew up in Australia, where we have socialized health care, and all of my mother's extended stays in psychiatric wards were free. I can't imagine what my life would have been like otherwise. The situation here in America (I live in Philly and am now a dual citizen) horrifies me beyond words.
Anyway, thank you again. We need this conversation so badly. We need empathy.
I cannot thank you enough for posting this and sharing. This just went viral among my Facebook contacts and my first response was "YES, FINALLY" - this is a conversation we need to be having and I cannot think of a better way to put it. I hope you will continue to advocate for this - with your insight and ability to thoughtfully and clerly communicate, you're an asset to our culture and country at a time when we need it most.
I read your post on Facebook before another friend directed me here. Of course, as many others have said, my heart goes out to you and your family. My first posted response to this horror was about mental illness and not guns, but I do think it is important to bear this in mind:
Last year, the United States had over 11,000 gun murders. If we were to remove from that number the victims of mass shootings, the United States would have had over 11,000 gun murders last year. These types of murders are the most visible and the most jarring, but our murder rate is far higher than comparable nations with stronger gun laws.
Surely, some of those 11,000 individual murders were committed by mentally disturbed people, perhaps like Adam Lanza.
Addressing the problems their illnesses present will prevent some murders, but even if we do a perfect job of it (and we won't), we still have an enormous gun problem we must address.
I am a therapist in Arkansas. I have worked inpatient and outpatient for several years with children and adolescents. I have worked with a number of children similar to your son. Not knowing tho whole gambit of symptoms it is very likely that he is bipolar (not just an adult diagnosis, with ODD. You mentioned autism but what you describe does not sound like typical behavior of autism or anything on the autism spectrum, including aspergers. Here we have several residential treatment facilities for children with chronic mental health issues and behavior problems. These are not jail, but facilities to help children. I am not sure how close the nearest one to you is but I would highly advise looking into one. Your son still has a chance. But don't wait until it is too late and jail is the only option.
I wish you and your family peace and love.
Raising a child is never easy. As a parent, one can make terrific mistakes all the time. Humility, and faith in one's child, is required at all times.
One needs to persist in doing one's best, year in and year out.
Unconditional love is the only way to go.
Mental illness does not equal violence. Having an Autistic disorder does not equal violence.
Depending on police to help during an outburst, and your son's school is not the answer. I am thinking that Michael's mother is not the author of this blog due to discrepancies in the story and the "about me" blurb, so if Michael's mother reads these comments, please get your son to a children's hospital where he can be seen by a pediatric neurologist and a developmental psychologist/psychiatrist. Immediately. He needs a team that can work together to find the underlying cause of his problem. Social workers and ER doctors can't do it. There is ALWAYS an underlying medical condition in cases such as his, whether it's schizophrenia (which is a legitimate medical illness, your brain chemistry is off and possibly the brain structure) or some combination of environment and depression thrown in with an ASD. Please do not continue to have him arrested and taken by ambulance when he has a "problem" and then allow him to live normally at home when everything is acceptable with his behavior. He needs constant treatment by a qualified physician.
Thank you for sharing your story. It was very powerful and moving. I hope that for all parents in your situation this country will start to recognize that mental illness does exists and can start in a very early age. Those with a mental illness need help and as you have mentioned jail/prison is not the answer.
My heart goes out to you - you are where I was 15-20 years ago. It's bad when they are young, but it gets worse when they are "adults". I no longer have the ability to get help for my son who has been homeless for more than ten years now. Now he has to hurt himself or someone else before he can be forced to get help.
This is an amazing article, that my friend posted to FB, that I just read my wife. I don't know if you read all these comments, but I'm 32, have suffered with mental illness issues for at least 15 years or more, and yeah, it's tough to find help or answers. My wife mentioned nonprofit organizations - but I know they can be crappy. Just like nonprofit state run mental health centers. I've been on a myriad of antidepressants, probably acted out a bunch when I was younger, and YES you are COMPLETELY right, this nation (and the WORLD) needs to focus on MENTAL HEALTH issues, NOT gun issues. Thank you for this, and I hope you have luck in the future.
Love to you for your bravery and strength. Your voice will clear a path and shine light, more than maybe you know. Nice work.
I realize there are over 1400 comments on here, but I hope that you still see this one. I am in an MSW program at ASU, and in one of my classes my teacher told us about something called SPECT Imaging, which involves taking a brain scan of a person who is having issues much like that of your son and diagnosing based off the scan. I do not know how much it costs or anything, but it may be helpful to finding out what is going on with your son. The doctor who has created this method is Dr. Amen, and his website is www.amenclinics.com. I think it is worth checking out, and thank you for being so honest about your experiences.
Thank you for sharing this. it is what I've been thinking and wondering about. We as a society must do better in caring for our children and families who struggle with mental illness.
You are going to get so much misunderstanding and so many people may disagree with your point of view. So I acknowledge your bravery, vulnerability, and strength for putting this out there and for caring for your son in the best way you can.
My mother could have written the same story about me when I was a teenager. I had many problems she struggled to manage. I don't know how to solve this problem, but I do hope you know you are not alone.
Thank you for being so courageous and sharing your story. I hope one day we all wake up and understand the dire need we have for mental health supports in this country.
Sobbing reading your story. Change the picture and the name and it could be the story of my nephew 10 years from now. He was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, along with apraxia, and has had great improvement since starting treatment, OT, behavioral therapy, and dietary restrictions/supplements, which have improved life dramatically. Still have those moments where he snaps, but i'm hoping that you and your family can find what's triggering him neurologically and find therapies that work for all of you.
Thank you for sharing your life with us. You mention in your article that things changed when he was in jr high. Did he act this way before? I am curious if he had to have a round of vaccination boaster shots. Wonder if that may have triggered something. When I was in my 20's I had to be updated on my vaccines to work in the hospital. Life has never been the same for me. Those shots sent my body spirally downward - they just did not react well with something else going on in me. It was my tipping point. It has taken years to get better. I have done detoxing and seen natural doctors, eat clean, etc. Sometimes our mental health is improved by improving our physical self. Not to say you have not thought of all this, maybe you have even done some of this. Thank you for sharing your story to help raise awareness
That is because you're applying reason to a situation where it doesn't apply. My son is 11, autistic and rapidly entering that arena as well. He's been under surveillance of some of the best doctors in the country since he was 2, and even they don't have answers for his seemingly random violent reactions.
I see Macey's point, perhaps. But here's the thing Macey's not thinking of. We (the parents) are not him. We don't know what he's thinking. We don't know how he's reacting or why, nor do the "experts." And, worst of all, neither do our kids. At that age, they're not mature enough to explain how or why they're reacting that way. We do the best to help them with the very limited tools we have, while trying to also maintain the other relationships in our family while always having to worry about the when the next impromptu incident is going to occur--and who's going to get hurt. All we hear are the anger and frustration using the only tools they think they have--threats and violence. They react how they're going to react.
It's not about being selfish and wanting a "Nuclear Family." It's about not being able to help and the constant day-in and day-out frustration that comes with it. I would give _anything_ to help my son. We've considered moving, tried new schools, tried new diets, tried new meds, doctors, EVERYTHING.
But, at the end of the day, our job as parents is position them to thrive in society. I'm not going to live forever. Then what? I could let him play video games 16 hours a day because that's he _telling me_ he wants. But when he's 35 and out on the street because he can't do math, carry on a conversation, or hold down a job, what good was it? Society has clearly demonstrated that it can not and will not cope with people with these issues--other than literally inprisoning them for something that isn't their fault.
So I'm sorry Macey's family gave up on him. I will never give up on my son, no matter how many times he yells, hits, screams or hurts us. I feel for the other parents that have to endure this as much as the kids that don't understand why they have to endure their side it either.
Life is not fair.
I understand your story, but with you putting ALL your sharp object away then what happened to ALL her weapons? Who was she protecting her self from? her kid? the boogie man? the bad guy from outside?
This town was supposed to be very HAPPY and no worries of crimes?
So why the need FOR ALL THESE WEAPONS?
Automatic riffle? really?
My heart goes out to you and all the other parents who like us love a child who is so endearing yet so unpredictable to say the least. I live in fear of what my son could do also. And we are left to figure this out on our own. :(
I understand. I fought my ex husband for years to get my oldest son help. From the age of 10 months I noticed this child had trouble managing his emotions. By the time he was in kindergarten he was suffering from depression. It wasn't until he was in 4th or 5th grade that I finally convinced my ex agreed to allow me to get him help.
A couple years into therapy I stumbled across Borderline Personality Disorder and some of the issues we were having started to make sense. My ex most certainly has BPD, and since the only help for that is behavioral changes and my ex refused to admit he had any problems I finally left him. My oldest son, now 19 is going to be ok. We were lucky enough that I found answers and lucky enough to have child psychologists who understood and were able to help him. My ex pushed to have him medicated and he was for most of his middle school and early high school years. Anti depressants, mood stabilizers..... he recalls those days as a fog and is now terrified when he feels his depression coming on to take anti depressants again.
I had him arrested once, but refused to put him through that system also. I have heard too many horror stories and that is not where he belonged. He also spent a week in the mental health hospital when he was in high school.
I used to spend hours restraining him in a bear hug until he would calm down. He would throw anything and the temper tantrums were atrocious. My biggest fear was when he got too big for me to restrain. My younger boys feared him. I feared him when he was enraged.
He is highly intelligent and a gifted musician. Has played piano since he was in kindergarten. He had planned on going into engineering because he felt like that is what would make his father proud. He just called me today to tell me he is thinking of going into music even though it may not make him money. I am fully supporting that decision.
He has told me he is glad in a twisted way that he has had someone like his dad in his life to show him what he could become if he didn't work hard against it. He is wise beyond his years and more introspective than many adults could ever imagine being. He is going to be ok.
I know this is jumbled, but there is so much to say. I just want you to know to not lose hope...and keep searching for the help you need. If you have faith, cling to it....and do not be afraid to reach out to others. Like I mentioned we got lucky in many ways. But I lived with the fear that I would be THAT mother.... no one who has not experienced what we've lived with can come close to comprehending how hard this is. How hard we fight and fight and beat our heads against brick walls with no one listening. Just don't give up and keep searching. You are not alone.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am moving away from traditional medicine because it's not helping. I'm using biomeds on my ASD son. I've noticed a change already, and I'm just getting started. Here's another parent's blog that got me hooked...http://grayson-youarewhatyoueat.blogspot.com/p/our-treatment-choices.html
You might want to drop the bug-eyed rhetoric and look into some facts. Such as:
"In 1968, the pivotal Lanterman-Petris-Short Act (LPS) became the aggressive next step in shifting to community-based care. The law required that a judicial hearing be held to determine whether a person could be involuntarily hospitalized, greatly reducing the frequency of such commitments. In addition, LPS required all counties in California with populations over 100,000 to establish mental health programs, and the law increased the state funding match for local programs to 90%. The Reagan and subsequent state administrations promoted the trend to community-based care by closing nine state hospitals; only five remain in operation today. Between 1957 and 1984, the California state hospital population dropped 84%. Together, these developments placed the primary clinical responsibility for mental health care on the counties, which were forced to rely for the bulk of their funding on the State.
"The envisioned success of this 'deinstitutionalization' rested largely on the assumption that as hospitals closed, the funds saved from their closure would “follow the patient” into the community. But in 1972 and 1973, California governor Ronald Reagan vetoed two funding provisions designed to protect these savings for mental health, beginning an ongoing pattern of funding diversions and shortfalls."
—See full study here: http://www.pendari.com/dmh/books/funding_publicmental_health/files/dmh_funding.pdf
You are so right - Michael does not belong in prison. Neither do so many people who are confined there. We absolutely need other options for those who are potentiall violent.
Thank you so much for this post. My heart is with you.
usually I think that the "mental illnesses" we're seeing today are often the results of human nature gone awry in a cultural context incongruous with that nature.
I would recommend allowing Michael to live in a very different cultural context for a few years, under the watch and order of robust guardians as he matures. I am imagining him in the mountains or a small port, where what is expected of you is directly related to livelihood. certainly not to get him "out of our hair" but to give him space and peace from the chaos and pressures of our culture.
also since he is so intelligent, he should be addressed as having an understanding as capable as an adult's. not sure whether anyone would have spoken to him directly about his position in the world in a non-patronizing way. "How do you want to be? Do you want to be someone that frightens people? Do you want to have control over your temper? You are responsible for becoming that person."
I want to let you know I understand. My son now 10's behavior was similar to yours a couple of years ago. I fought the school district to put him on behavior supports when they told me it wasn't necessary concerned he would injure another child or teacher. One day he lost it and threw a chair at his teacher and then they were all ears and willing to listen to this mother who they thought was insane. Getting help was beyond us. I needed a break and no one would help me. Finally I started a nonprofit where we offer respite care to families that have children with special needs, All in Need, Family Support. (allinneed.org) It doesn't help with getting help medically and our systems, but my prayer is that a parent can at least take a bath without worry about their child for three hours.
You are in my prayers!
I know your horror---I talk to parents like you everyday in my job as a clinical care manager for a behavioral insurance company. I am the one that struggles to find the words your insurance no longer covers the treatment. And I know that you advocate for your son...only to come up empty handed. The reality is, particularly for autism spectrum treatment, we are just now developing options, and it's been a known diagnosis for 40+ years. I can promise you, if you continue to speak the word, I will continue to push our mental health systems to improve what is offered to those lives we cover. Please do not give up your fight. I've been doing this work for 14 years, and I won't give up either.
My heart goes out to you and your son and I hope that he can receive the help that you both so desperately need. Great Britain seems the same with regard to the lack of mental health treatment available in the community. I have just lost my twin brother - who died by his own hand on Wednesday.He was 52. From when he was young he struggled with his illness, a drug addiction to cannabis and episodes of psychotic behavior which saw him in and out of prison and estranged from - with court injunctions against contact with - all of his family bar me - and that only because I lived so far away from him. My father died last year from cancer, worn out and heartbroken that his own son had caused him such fear by haranguing and threatening him and by breaking into their home and stealing from them.My brother could not come to the funeral as he was in prison at the time and his behavior was such that the authorities deemed it unwise. My father and I tried over the years - begging everyone from social services through psychiatrists to the police for help. My mother was physically scared of him and I lived in dread of receiving a call some day to say he had harmed her and then himself.
And then on Wednesday we had the call that he was dead - and I have such mixed emotions now - at least he is now at peace but I just wonder how things might have turned out had he had the help and support he needed.So yes we need to talk about mental health - especially among young men. I wish you all the help in the world. You are in my thoughts.
We too have a son with these issues. We have done family therapy, group therapy, individual therapy, in-home therapy, marriage counseling, behavior modification treatment. He has been in day treatments, psych hospitals, special schools, and residential treatment. He has been on a laundry list of psychotropic meds: most of which never helped and the long term side effects on his brain are yet to be determined.
After dealing with it for 15 years, my husband and I made the tough decision of sending him to live with a relative...we could no longer handle his rages. He was getting stronger and could over power me. My husband was scared to leave me alone with him. We too had to hide all of the sharp objects in our home. We had to put a dead-bolt lock on our bedroom door...just so we could sleep without worrying he would do something to us in our sleep. We had to lock the dogs in our bedroom as well, scared for how he treated them. We removed all of the firearms from our home and stored them with friends.
He is now 17 and maintaining, after another 8 month stay in a residential treatment facility but we fear that he will go out into the world and cause harm to others if he doesn't receive more help. It took time to realize that we were not alone in having a child with these mental health issues that are so erratic that his diagnosis changes almost yearly. We feel like we have failed him in some way but ran out of options and money. We still have to make payments on his first psych hospitalization from when he was 8.
I feel your pain and anguish, I have lived it, I am still fearful for him, but I don't know what else I can do but pray. In fact, I pray for every parent/child who suffers with a mentally ill loved one. I have no answers for you, or for us, or for the other families who deal with this. I can only offer a prayer.
Thank you for sharing this. Mental health is the least covered by insurance policies, and it needs the most work. I pray you will find solace in that so many support and hope there will be a solution for your son, and also pray for others experiencing this.
Your post rings the truth in our home. Our 19 year old son has been in and out of hospitals, jails and mental facilities. No one, I repeat, no one has helped and no one seems to understand this .... Each time he is in the hospital, I bed the caseworker, the hospital doctor to help by providing conservatorship to take his rights away so he can be placed in a facility that can care for him properly. But no one listens, and no one cares ... PLUS there isn't a facility that can take him. It's a horrible situation to be in and I feel the same way. I pray that someone will finally listen and take this serious and work on our disabled mental health programs ....
Thank you for sharing. You are right that we have to do something about mental illness.
Mai
I can't say how thankful I am that you wrote this blog. This has been what I see every time something like this happens. How many souls will have to be taken before we steer the conversation away from guns and on to Mental Health issues. God Bless you and your family. Thank you again.
I agree with you 100% but having documentation in the court system doesn't help either. My sister has been dealing with a mentally unstable woman for years all because my sister tried to buy a home the woman previously lived in. The woman lost her son many years ago and had the ashes of her son she claims spread on the property. Every year at Christmas she files charges against my sister (who moved from the home in fear for her families safety two years ago), the man that owns the property, and every person that has tried purchasing the land since she was evicted. She has done it again this year even though she has been told in court that she can not legally sue my sister. This woman lost her son in a terrible accident in Texas, my sister lives in Georgia and I do not think she ever received counselling or psychiatric help after her loss now her illness is affecting others. My sister feared this woman would try to kidnap her youngest son, it had affected him so badly that he was losing weight and was in fear that this woman would come take him away but still nothing has been done and two years after moving they are still dealing with her instability. My sister had been told that this woman would actually have to do something (bring harm to someone or actually kidnap my nephew) before anything could be done. She was even allowed to trespass even with a restraining order against her. It is sad that nothing can be done for people like this until they actually do something to someone else.
You love Che? Your son wants your love, so he acts like Che Guevara. For people who actually experienced Guevara's influence in Cuba, he is seen as a ruthless murderer and a power-hungry oppressor.
I wager that supporters would have a harder job defending Guevara's position as Fidel's chief executioner.
In a passage from his famous "Motorcycle Diaries," he quotes himself as saying, "My nostrils dilate while savoring the acrid odor of gunpowder and blood."
At the same time, he wrote a letter to his father describing his newfound hobby, "I'd like to confess, Papa, at that moment I discovered that I really like killing."
Now that is a role model to have a son with mental problems looking up to.
I commented on another posting of this blog. My Sister is dealing very much with this with my nephew. She finally got help when he committed crimes against his siblings that are unmentionable. He assaulted his parents, he has been finally placed in a Therapeutic lock down Group Enviroment and for his safety.. has been medicated to almost a time of zombie levels. he has Broken my sisters foot with door slamming and pushed her down so hard she broke her tail bone. My other nephew and niece have lived in fear of him for years. She has had him going to Mental health since he was 6 since that was the earliest they would see him, but he has exhibited out of control behavior since he was 4. I feel sorry for Michael's mom dealing with this all by herself. I am hoping my family and yours get help before we are the ones facing a tragedy of unknown proportions and we weep for that. Blessings to you with your struggle...
You're doing all the right things. Hang in there and keep trying. Thank you for sharing.
Stoney,
Retired Marine who has a special needs son who was first diagnosed with ADHD then asperger. Last year he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.
It's a nightmare assessing public mental health services. Mental health funding is the first to be cut. Obama can joke about special Olympics as everyone laughs. My military Tricare insurance is inadequate. You must first get Social Security SSI then Medicaid for real help.
My son told me once the voices said he had to stab me. It took three trips to the emergency room before he was finally admitted to a special hospital. Tricare would only approve two weeks when the doctor said he needed more time to adjust the medicine.
Parents only salvation is faith in G-d and a commitment to do what ever it takes for their children. It is a long journey for all.
I'm shaking and crying as I read this post, because I may also be Adam Lanza's mom. When I heard he has autism and possibly a personality disorder, my skin crawled. I have 2 kids with these diagnosis. We've banged on every door we can think of, saying, "We need help." I wish I could hug you right now.
Thank you for your view within Liza. I worked once with children like your son in a fostercare/home facility. To imagine prison is the main option is a very scary choice. These kids need the best therapists and support they can get to manage their lives in order to enrich us not to threaten us. I wish that your article may reach millions of people.
My cousin shared this blog post on her facebook page. I don't know how you'll even begin to read nearly 1500 comments. I hope if what I am about to post is of any help, that it will somehow find its way to your eyes.
I am reading a book right now called "A Promise of Hope" by Autumn Stringham. I just started reading it last night and will probably finish it today...it is THAT good.
Autumn was bi-polar (but didn't figure it out until her early 20's). She is in her 40's now, and has been free of bi-polar disorder for 16 years now.
I have a live-in helper (to help me with my health issues--after 5 years of not knowing what was wrong with me, I turned to nutritional therapy, and have found it to be working) who was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder 15 years ago, in her mid 20's. She's lived with us for 6 months now.
Since I have been finding help for some strange things through nutrition, I began to do research to see if there was anything to help my bi-polar helper. I came across Autumn's book and then messaged back and forth with her on facebook. She is such a sweet woman, and so understanding.... she's had a ton of grief but also a lot of healing in her life.
She found that a large amount of micro-nutrients helped her AND many others with a variety of mental illnesses. I'm only half-way through the book, so I don't know the whole story yet. I just know she has been set free.
I truly hope and pray that you are able to find help for your son. I can only imagine how devastating this is for you and your family.
Your son just needs acceptance. Even during his "episodes" he is suffering from a feeling of not belonging...when you tell him I am going to take you to the pysch ward you create an even deeper sense of "I am bad, I am not loveable" in him...
This is a gifted child with incredible feelings we cannot imagine and he needs very much tenderness and understanding of his world. Empathy. Has anyone ever tried to understand what HIS world must be like? You must become completely child-centered and put your feelings aside...
I suspect Michael is an extreme empath and psychic and can experience the feelings of other people and things all around him...I am sure all these emotions and thoughts and phenomenona are overwhelming...
he is merely acting out. get to the root and Michael will find peace within his soul.
I am completely amazed by your candor and honesty. Thank you.
Hi there,
I have the utmost of compassion for you and your family. There is hope.
Your son just needs acceptance. Even during his "episodes" he is suffering from a feeling of not belonging...when you tell him I am going to take you to the pysch ward you create an even deeper sense of "I am bad, I am not loveable" in him...
This is a gifted child with incredible feelings we cannot imagine and he needs very much tenderness and understanding of his world. Empathy. Has anyone ever tried to understand what HIS world must be like? You must become completely child-centered and put your feelings aside...
I suspect Michael is an extreme empath and psychic and can experience the feelings of other people and things all around him...I am sure all these emotions and thoughts and phenomenona are overwhelming...
he is merely acting out. get to the root and Michael will find peace within his soul.
I would suggest taking Michael to spiritual healers, empaths, mediums, psychics, etc. They will be of much greater service than a psych ward. Inhumane and traumatizing for a young child.
I am in awe of your honesty and your courage. Truly, I cannot imagine living in fear, like you must -- waiting for the next explosion. That said, I hope one of these people who has sent you a link, offering help pans out. Mental illness is challenging for everyone - and, no matter what anyone says, all these problems (education, gun control, mental illness, and school violence) are all interconnected. There are probably other contributing factors we haven't figured out yet.
And so.
My heart feels for you.
What else can I do except repost your words and tweet them so that others might understand an alternate reality that exists that may be so very different than their own.
Wishing you peace in the new year.
I'm thinking that you are actually detailling my life. My son is only 9, but still scares me. As I caught your text on FB, I'm currently packing my son's stuff. Tomorow, he is going into a group home with people who can deal with his all out threats and violence. He can be such a good lil man, but on those bad days .... He has been to maybe 7-14 days of school since september, got officially kicked out on Nov 1st. I'm always walking on eggs with him, he threatend to kill his older sister last week end cause she didnt let him win at a video game...
I'm lucky I'm started to get surrounded, I have his doctor and social worker, school board, child services and hopefully soon The rehabilitation center for people with a mental problem. (My son was diagnosed several years back with PDD NoS.)
I'm afraid that he will attack us, that he will try to kill himself ( because yeah he expressed that he would stab himself) I'ts a awfull feeling. I recetly lost my youngest son (last september)in a tragic way. I feel the pain of the parents in the horrific event that happened in CT, and I feel that myself I maybe have a ticking time bomb on my hands.
He's a great lil guy most of the times, but when he goes Dr. Jerkyl Mr hyde on me, I can only hope that it wont be that bad.... this time
1) Thank you. I can't thank you enough for having the courage to speak out, knowing that there are people like Travis Mays out there.
2) You sound like an excellent parent. I am so sorry for what you are going through.
3) I would tell you my story and my son's story, but it is so similar, I feel like I would just be repeating. Multiple diagnoses. Tried every medication out there. Loves Harry Potter, gifted at math, police cruiser, other kid knows the safety plan, threatened with a knife over something relatively minor (I can't even remember what it was, honestly), started right after start of middle school . . . check, check, check.
4) We got help, and lots of it did nothing, but we have a handful of providers that have stuck with us, and there are still days. . .there are definitely days. But my son is 17, is an honor student, volunteers, does chores daily, and is a happy kid. Mostly. It will still require a lifetime of monitoring, probably case management, and medication (for now).
5) I advise you to get your son a case manager, if your insurance will pay for it. And if your case manager seems ineffectual, get another one. Tell his case manager what you need, (help talking to your job about time off, help with Michael's teachers, help finding a support group, help advocating getting him into a behavioral program if he needs one, help getting a proper diagnosis if you feel what he has doesn't fit, referral for family therapy, referral for individual therapy for Michael, more information on medication or diagnosis, help with childcare, funding for summer camp for children with disabilities...or maybe just you don't know what you need. GOOD case managers will help with ALL of this, and more.) Most states do not have a lot of funding for things, but there are programs out there.
6) Take care, and thank you again for this courageous account.
To: The people who cannot see what "I am Adam Lanza's Mother" is saying:
You have not actively tried to follow the path of a person needing help. And, I will say the saddest part, is people do not get it until they are part of the cycle of no help. It is draining, hopeless and in-over-your-head before it is too late. But, we will be here for you when you fall. :)
To: Anarchist Soccer Mom
Thank you for your words. I am 44 and have been waiting to hear them since I was 8, when my honorably discharged Vietnam Vet Father was being sought by the County Sheriff. The Sheriff came to my door after Dad came to visit for a few minutes. Dad said he would be going away for a while. I am not sure what his diagnosis is now. And sad to say, I don't know where he is, and I have been afraid of him and wanting to honor him at the same time. But the fear has won out every time over the years.
I wonder if he was part of a "test" like someone we know. Or is it that 20-something time when there can be a "break". We will never know.
But, thank you for your story. I look forward to learning more from you and other parents like you. Because I think this is really where the solution lies. Not just the Doctors and Lawmakers.
Thank you for your poignant post. I have some question for you...Does your son have dark circles under his eyes? Does he have stinky feet? Do either or both of his ears ever turn bright red? Does he often have a runny nose? My son had most of this plus drastic mood changes, mental confusion, depression and suicidal thoughts. He was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We discovered the unusual cause and treated it.He is now a 19 year old college student with NONE of those symptoms. I only write in the off chance that the same may help your son.
Hello there,
I have compassion for you and your family and a few suggestions.
Your son would benefit greatly from seeing spiritual healers, empaths, and psychic mediums. They understand the spirit and they would be able to discover the turmoil and conflict that lives in his soul. He does not have a mental illness. Michael's problem is spiritual in nature.
Your son just needs acceptance. Even during his "episodes" he is suffering from a feeling of not belonging...when you tell him I am going to take you to the pysch ward you create an even deeper sense of "I am bad, I am not loveable" in him...
This is a gifted child with incredible feelings we cannot imagine and he needs very much tenderness and understanding of his world. Empathy. Has anyone ever tried to understand what HIS world must be like? You must become completely child-centered and put your feelings aside...
I suspect Michael is an extreme empath and psychic and can experience the feelings of other people and things all around him...I am sure all these emotions and thoughts and phenomenona are overwhelming...
he is merely acting out. get to the root and Michael will find peace within his soul.
Did you or the father try spanking the kid and using a less affable and reasonable tone first before trying to turn him into a vegetable?
Sad to read that the other 2 kids live in terror.
Hello there,
I have compassion for you and your family and a few suggestions.
Your son would benefit greatly from seeing spiritual healers, empaths, and psychic mediums. They understand the spirit and they would be able to discover the turmoil and conflict that lives in his soul. He does not have a mental illness. Michael's problem is spiritual in nature.
Your son just needs acceptance. Even during his "episodes" he is suffering from a feeling of not belonging...when you tell him I am going to take you to the pysch ward you create an even deeper sense of "I am bad, I am not loveable" in him...
This is a gifted child with incredible feelings we cannot imagine and he needs very much tenderness and understanding of his world. Empathy. Has anyone ever tried to understand what HIS world must be like? You must become completely child-centered and put your feelings aside...
I suspect Michael is an extreme empath and psychic and can experience the feelings of other people and things all around him...I am sure all these emotions and thoughts and phenomenona are overwhelming...
he is merely acting out. get to the root and Michael will find peace within his soul.
Thank you for being brave enough to start the conversation about the problem with our mental health care industry. People that are seriously ill cannot be committed until they hurt or kill someone! That is why we keep witnessing the same horrific massacres. It is no surprise to all the people close to the killers that they do what they do. That is why we need to demand a change in the laws regarding the rights of the mentally ill. Lets help get them the help they need before this happens yet again!
My reply, which takes up multiple comments - sorry - i had a lot to say: I read through (almost all) the comments on here and was actually surprised at how few comments there are from what I suppose can be considered 'my side' of the fence...that is to say, someone who spent literally their entire adolescence in and out of every type of inpatient treatment center you can imagine. Someone fairly far up commented that parents have no idea how scary it can be to be unable to control your emotions...isn't that the truth.
I have the utmost sympathy for the parents who have had to deal with us, especially because, to be honest, you will NEVER actually understand things entirely from 'our' point of view, because (for the majority, at least), you have never experienced what it's like to live with a mind that's just...not...wired...quite right. You literally cannot comprehend, through no fault of your own - this is the same reason we can't really comprehend something like the fact the universe is apparently infinite, it's just the way humans are - what a nightmare it is to be trapped inside a body that you KNOW, usually from the hours you've spent watching other people, seeing how they act, heck, seeing how they react to you!, is not doing things the way that our culture has deemed acceptable. That alone is enough to make you want to turn to violence. The utter frustration and helplessness that you feel, because it is oh so lonely to be you. Beyond any loneliness from being single, being friendless, etc etc etc....those are fixable, for the most part. This is not. Then add in the fact that if you are underage, you can not only control what goes on inside your head, but what happens to you in the outer facets as well.
Thank you! I grew up with a mentally ill brother. He is now close to 50 y/o but he still needs to be monitored. We are concerned when my elderly parents are alone with him because of his unpredictable behavior. There is not much help out there for mentally ill people. On top of no help, society had placed such a negative stigma on mental illness that parents don't want to ask for help. Instead they try to deal with it on their own in an effort to avoid embarrassment. No mentally person chooses to be ill. I wish taking all the guns away would work. However we as a nation need to work to improve our mental health system. We all need to learn to be a little more empathic to families of those struggling mental illness. Quit judging that mother! Until you have dealt with a mentally ill loved one will never completely understand?
I feel for her yet this brings up a poin that this is why you need the boy's father in the house. Medicating a kid who's become a little brat isn't the answer. Despite what MTV culture says, Human beings were meant to raise children with two parents-- not one. Heck, two Dads is even better than being raised by one single mother. If you can't practice safe sex and plan for your pregnancy, you shouldn't be raising children because they will be at a disadvantage and may not turn out well.
Part 2: Well meaning parents at the end of their rope (or just those with a firm refusal to even attempt to cope with the difficulties before making you someone else's problem) send you to the psych ward, 'therapeutic boarding school' that in fact has strip searches and doors that won't open without the staff's key card, 'therapeutic boarding schools' that, while their doors are unlocked, view the real issue as your 'rebellion' (especially against religion - I never found this very helpful, but apparently Jesus can cure severe clinical depression as well as borderline personality disorder, and will also magically cure your body's miserable compulsion to cut and do all the drugs you can locate), REGULAR boarding schools that may as well have had a sign on them reading "if you have enough money, please send the child that you really just don't feel you have the time or energy to give a fig about" (needless to say, those are just as bad as psych wards...as I like to say, if you force crazy to stick with each other in absurdly close quarters, you can expect that it will only breed more crazy - same applies to miserable kids with low self esteem)...anyway. Anarchist, you said your son was going into a residential treatment center. That it's too big of a problem for you to handle on your own. You are absolutely right...however, I'm going to infer that since you live in Utah, this program will most likely be one of the extensive list that your charming state has to offer - and I will tell you right now, if your son is anything like me (although my violence was mostly directed inward - I have a sneaking suspicion if I had been born a male, my story would be far more akin to his in all the ugly details)...if this treatment center has any lasting effects, they will be negative. It is a very, very, ugly truth that the younger a kid is when they start residential programs, the more likely they are to keep going back into them.
As a former special education teacher my heart goes out to you. I have worked with children similar to your son. It is heart breaking and stressful. Matters are made worse when mental health programs for children are being cut. Mental health arrests are made but then there is no where for the child to go. I am not sure what the answer is but we need better health care for the mentally ill. Good luck, I can tell you are a good mother in a difficult position.
Thank you for writing this. I have walked your walk. Your courage inspired me to come forward and wrote my response to seeing it. It brought back memories of the years when one or more of my adopted children were unstable. The failures of mental health services in both the children's and adult arenas are very well documented. I have walked in the world of adult and children's mental health for my children, but also as an advocate and support parent. I have seen too many failures. I once told a Director of Mental that on any given day, they were only one crisis away front page news. http://www.nccp.org/publications/pub_878.html The statistics speak for themselves.
When we adopted our sibling set from the foster care system, I at times found myself parenting severely mentally ill children. Many days were calm, happy and my children were just like many other children. But there were others where we survived one minute at a time. Several of my children needed to be watched 24/7 to protect themselves or be protected from a raging or volatile sibling. We had crisis safety plans, even my paring knives had to be locked up, backpacks had to be searched for contraband. Everyone in the house knew the drill. We had smoke alarms in almost every room, along with sleeping behind alarms to protect ourselves. My kids/teens limited in non-violent video games and television shows as part of the disorders they could not distinguish between fantasy and reality. Not just only to protect my family but those around us. I fought hard to find help for my children. They were lucky ones, many do not receive diagnosis or medications, services, and families often live in fear.
I would have never allowed a gun in my house with a severely mentally ill individual, it is not safe. They can snap in a moment.
I turned my back for a moment and that is all it took to go flying down the stairs head first. Enough said. Families are expected to turn our homes into residential treatment centers or psychiatric hospitals and the systems are not equipped to help them.
My youngest adopted daughter who has always been afraid, now afraid to go out of the house after the news on Friday. The world is now even less safe. Many parents or siblings develop secondary Post traumatic Stress Disorder as we at times have had no choice but to live in fear.
Lets not just blame guns, but also let this tragedy serve as a wake up call to better our Broken Mental Health System in our country. Not only do we need a better system to deal with these "broken" individuals, we need a system that has the resources to help those heal from the trauma of what they witnessed. We owe them that.
I ask for prayers that the powers at the top of our government put a focus on helping those with mental health disorders and their families.
We as a country need to do better. I pray that healing for those whose lives will never be the same.
Ann Yurcek
Author Tiny Titan, Journey of Hope
I simply cannot imagine what your day-to-day life is like. I agree with making the conversation about children like your son now before we're hearing about more children like him when they are no longer children.
I am a teacher, and I have and have had students like yours in my classroom. Because of this, I sought a Master's degree in Mental Health in the Schools. I learned about children like your son, and I learned how better to teach them when they're my students. What I did not learn was how to help the mom, the dad, the siblings, or all of the other people in the life of a child who has mental health needs.
I hope for you a diagnosis. A real, thought-filled, sensitive to your son in every aspect diagnosis because until you have that, you will not have the key to unlock the maze of the mental health system in the United States.
I agree with you, by the way, Michael does not need jail. He might need a misdemeanor in order to keep him from getting a weapon when he's old enough, but it would need to be an adult charge, not a juvenile one.
I am thinking about you, and the other moms like you I know. Maybe it helps in some small way to know you are not alone.
I don't know if you will ever read this with the huge response this has gotten, but if you do, I want to say, good luck. There is no easy answer to things like this.
Firstly, I have to say that I really appreciate you sharing your story. It takes courage to stand up and say something, especially so soon after this recent tragedy. I have a child that is still very young, but has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS (on the autism spectrum) and I often wonder what difficulties we will have to face when he gets older.
Secondly, I have a suggestion. I don't know all of your sons symptoms or anything really at all about "Michael", but from the little that you have written, it sounds very similar to what my nephew goes through. My nephew is very smart, insanely smart and at one point was thought to have aspergers syndrom but then was told it was just ADHD. He would turn from a normal sweet little kid to a mean, uncontrollable monster in a matter of seconds. When he was in his "monster" state, he would tackle the other children, take toys away, hit, bite and destroy things. It almost seemed like he was trying to do anything to provoke others and get a huge reaction, even if it was a bad reaction. He took forever to calm down and sometimes the next day he would cry and say he was so sorry and he didn't want to be bad anymore. His mother was grasping at straws trying to find anything that would help him. She came across some articles written about artificial chemicals affecting how children act and react to situations. The most prominent of these was artificial food dyes, also though, nitrates (a preservative in meats) can also have adverse reactions, especially in younger children. So, having nothing to lose, she removed all artificial dyes from her house and bought only natural meats (she actually bought a half pig and quarter beef from the butcher directly for her house). I honestly thought that she had finally broken. She was a nut. However, a few weeks after she did this (yes, it took a few weeks for all the toxins to work their way out of his body) he became a totally different kid. He was helpful instead of hurtful, he was obedient, he was aware of others and simply put, he was changed. I couldn't believe the difference it made. In fact, it is such a huge difference that if he happens to accidentally get dye in his system we all notice the behavior change almost immeadiately and can trace it back to some random oversite in a treat he ate. It is very noticeable. As such, I have removed artificial dyes from my home too. About a month after doing that, my son, the one with PDD-NOS, who was non-verbal before, started talking. Yep. No joke.
Anyhow, this may be something you've already tried. Or maybe there is no connection at all, in fact that is more likely. I figure that it doesn't hurt to try though. All you lose is a little bit of effort and time but you may gain so much if it helps. If it doesn't help you, maybe it will help someone else reading this blog.
Again, thanks for sharing and letting me share.
I was married to a sociopath. He was someone's son. He read and wrote and spoke 5 languages with ease. He absorbed information like a sponge. He was widely held, at a very young age, as an authority on a wide variety of scholarly subjects from material sciences to the Ancient Middle East. He could read hieroglyphics. I wonder now - after he has been dead and been gone for 12 years, if his mother was afraid of him. I wonder if his condition was why he insisted his father beat him. He was born 68 years ago. We did not have names for such behavior or tools to recognize them. He was a pathological liar - or perhaps more of a fabulist - and he seemed to believe his own delusions. He hated to be touched by his mother. He told me it made him sick. He told me he loved his baby brother (10 yrs apart) until his brother began to "change" in his teens (I think this meant grow up). He married and abused his first wife. When we met he lied and enchanted me with his lies and I left a marriage to follow him. He loved a black poodle dog. We had one child together. He terrorized my own daughter's young life with rules and words that hurt. He ignored his son and he abused me. He sucked his family dry every time he needed money or a roof over his head. He drove a Rolls- Royce while he lived at "home"; he cheated, he defrauded, he lied and he was imprisoned for these federal crimes. His mother paid for his defense. Was she afraid or besotted?
This story went on until he died in 2000. He left a mother, a brother, a young "soulmate", his brilliant and very confused son and I still wonder who among us is relieved he is gone. I no longer have any relationship with our son for reasons I do not know. But I can tell you honestly one thing - I am no longer afraid - the tiny seed of fear that dwelled within me for 28 years died when he did. I cannot speak for his mother.
I can also tell you that the children of the Liza Longs are born and are real. Her fear is real. Her story is brave. I can only hope it reaches every mother - every one of us.
I hope you are copying and pasting comments that you have deleted into a document that you will later reference in your book. The negative comments that you have left look exactly like something my son would write. You are very brave, and I understand that at some point there is no point worrying about insulting your son. He isn't in his right mind. You are helping him by talking about this problem. Girl, if you need someone to go to D.C. with you and speak up, hollaback.
Let me first say that I cannot believe the people here who say that your son is not mentally ill and doesn't need help, that you are a bad parent, and you should just let him be. You can dismiss a child's threats all day long, citing that they won't go through with it. But the parents who now have dead children will usually tell you that they didn't see it coming. It astounds me that people think that a child who has pulled a knife and made threats to harm himself and others should be left alone. Absolutely sickening that some people call this parenting. Are many kids over-diagnosed and over-medicated? Absolutely. But this is not a one-size-fits-all situation, and there is no merit to saying that every child with (x, y, z) should or should not be medicated.
I scommend you for having the courage to post about this issue. Do not listen to all the naysayers and shit-talkers who will tell you that what you are doing is wrong. When I was about your son's age, I was drinking, drugging, self-injuring, fighting, running away, and everything else you could possibly imagine. My youngest brother was still in elementary school and the things that I did were terrifying to him. It took a very long time for me to repair that relationship. But if my mom hadn't pushed to get the help that I needed in the form of therapy, medication, hospitalization, and eventually a 9-month stay in a residential facility, I may not even be alive today. I was diagnosed with ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I've been on more medications in my lifetime than I could even name. I was told that I would always be on medications and would always suffer from these problems to some extent.
I still remember bits and pieces of the last outburst I had before my final hospitalization. I came home after weeks of being a runaway and got into a fight with my mom. I then held a kitchen knife to my wrists and told her that I would kill myself. After cutting myself for the millionth time, I carved "I HATE YOU." into her living room wall with a steak knife, and then I went to sleep on the couch. Hours later, I was taken away by ambulance and didn't return home for 10 months.
Did I like any of what was happening to me? Absolutely not. I fought most of it tooth and nail. But even in my darkest days, I knew that I was sick and needed help.
Was I over-medicated at some points? Absolutely. But dealing with these things, whether you do it with or without medication, is a process. The right therapist, the right drugs, the right treatments are all things that take time to find. Your son sounds like he needs help and you have to be his advocate and know when something isn't working as well as it could. You need to know when to consult a new doctor, when to ask about switching medications. You need to stabilize these things while he is still young. Sadly, many people don't get this help and they go out into the adult world where they may not be willing to get help and nobody else can advocate for them anymore.
I am now a married 25 year old university student with a bright future ahead of me. I haven't been on medication for 7 years. I do not struggle with my mental illness to the point of needing assistance. Why? Because my mom fought for me. In the face of all opposition, my mom found me doctors and moved on to the next one if the ones I had weren't helping. Anyone who has been in your shoes or mine knows that this is a process. It does not happen overnight. What you are doing is extraordinarily difficult and I personally identify with you and your son.
The mental health system needs to change. It's not you or your son...it's the system. You are NOT a bad parent. You are doing the best you can with what you have. I have lots of insight on this subject, so please do not hesitate to email me if you would like.
I have seen hell and come through the other side. I hope the same for you and your son.
Part 3: That aside...I found that the programs in Utah specifically (and I've been to places like this all over the US! So I have something to judge it against!) did very little for the residents except breed an unimaginable amount of resentment, paranoia, and utter misery in them. I'm not sure why every program in Utah seemed to be designed the same way, but they had a big emphasis on 'accountability' - I.e., even if the cause of your cutting yourself repeatedly for years is due to sexual abuse, you need to 'deal with it' and 'move on'. So, if the cutting continues, the assumption from the staff will be that you are simply attempting to 'manipulate' your parents, therapist, whoever, or you could just be 'acting out' to make a point.
I actually believe having teenagers, mentally Ill or not, take on a certain amount of responsibility for themselves is a good thing. I know that at least for myself, the less authority figures tried to control me, the more likely I was to generally try to 'do the right thing'. Maybe my method was different, and I definitely made mistakes, but I was far more willing to try another way/admit my error if I wasn't forced to try something other than what I had in mind initially in the first place. Perverse, yes, but I hear that's a hallmark of being a teenager. The interesting thing about the programs I attended in Utah, however (aka 'lockdown'), was that their expectation - that my 'acting out' was totally within my control at all times, and I just needed to 'pull it together' - didn't really change anything except my external reaction...or at least, the one that they could see and gauge.
I guess you could say they taught me how to control my temper, and forced me to 'grow up'. You can rest assured, if I am someplace where I feel unsafe/threatened/angry/whatever, 99% of the time nobody around me would be able to tell. And it all gets locked away in a little box inside my head, until the box accidentally overflows and then my carefully constructed, optimistically stable, little world I've created for myself collapses. So...essentially, nobody has any idea that there's anything wrong, until I call my mother crying and explain to her that I am so heavily addicted to heroin that I wish I could die, that I've tried and tried to quit but i can't. That was one of my breakdowns. Or, due to the fact that he spent so long in places that had little to no similarities to the outside world, he might as well still be somewhere around 14 - unable to take care of himself in what seems like such basic ways, but hey, how would he know? I don't know what your son's will look like, if he goes the route that I and so many others have. But I hope not.
I guess....to sum up this insanely long comment...I could be projecting terribly onto your situation, but it's not just me that I've seen this happen. I know there's only so much you can do, especially with two major strikes against you - single parent, AND the fact that his violence goes outward instead of inward - that adds an additional level of stress, since there are others in your family that need your time and protection. I guess what I'm asking is that you not let your son get lost in the 'therapeutic' universe. Please be willing to give him another chance to come home. As difficult as it may be, please don't be angry and hold it against him that he has made things so difficult. I guarantee if he could make it different easily, he most likely would.
No Liza, you are not Adams mom just cause you had the courage to identified, judge and acted, and in a very painful way try to stop your kid aggression behavior, you wont buy assault rifles or teach to shoot your kid or just ignore the signs cause social acceptance/discrimination, and hopefully we never will know your real kid name nor his victims. thanks for share.
Eduardo Sosa
While there maybe are mental reasons for your sons violent actions one needs to be cautious about labeling all violence as Mental Illness, though. There is an illness in this world and it's obvious you will deny it. It is call "SIN". Rage, out of control anger are signs of "PURE EVIL". From the beginning man has been in a struggle with good and evil. There are those that all would call Good Honest Neighbors(such as this past weeks Killer) until they are place in a situation where they feel they have lost control. When loosing that control happens Anger and/or Rage sets in and then the killing. If all lived as Christ did there would be no killings. Go Figure!
Part 4: Please make sure that he has (I know this sounds bizarre, but it was a HUGE part of how alienated it can make one feel) physical contact - hugs, high-fives, whatever - with other human beings. Please let him know that even if his father doesn't want him, and you are (hopefully temporarily) sending him away, that doesn't mean that he is broken, unfixable, unwanted, and unlovable (those beliefs make it infinitely less likely that he will improve in any significant way). That you know he is not a bad person, that you love him, that sending him somewhere residential hurts you terribly, that if you had the resources to, you would willingly focus all your time and energy on him so that he wouldn't hurt so badly. And also, as he becomes older, regardless of whatever treatment he receives, he may be able to control himself better simply because he's growing up, however haphazardly that may be.
And you're not a bad mother, a failure, or anything else you may be thinking about yourself. In case you were. I've read your entire blog, and while this is only an assumption, it doesn't appear that you have done anything deliberate (if anything at all, in fact!) to make him this way.
If my parents had bothered to do even a few of these things, I wonder if I would have turned out how I have - how I am still fighting being. I'm sorry this is so long, and probably rambles quite a bit. I've never been very talented at being concise, or on occasions at all clear. I wish you and your family all the best.
Thank you for sharing your story. My daughter is still small although does have a tendency towards violence in certain situations. Until you are a parent dealing with these challenges it is hard to understand. Hang in there your a brave woman.
Thank you for sharing your story. AMAZING the number of heartfelt replies. I think you have written and the replies have shown that just like physical health no one is a cookie cutter case. Each person's mental health problems are their own.
The stigma we have placed on mental health over hundreds and thousands of years is changing, and we are seeing it not as a weakness but an illness.
I hope that for all of us, that mental illness begins being addressed. Anther poster said this.."In the 1970s, Ronald Reagan pioneered the closing of mental hospitals in California. He called it being humane. His real purpose, of course, was to cut services to save money." Reagan did more than that, as President he helped facilitate the closing of mental health facilities throughout the country.
Mental health and brain sciences are relatively new compared to the other sciences. We need more research and more treatment options. @Macey dear BPD or PD doesn't go away and your post proves just that. And it does cause you to be different, and in some cases it causes the person that has it to be a danger to society, because society is much, much larger and includes many more people than you and everyone has a right to be safe. Threatening to kill, pointing a knife or a gun those are not things that get a hug and an "I understand you are upset." Those are things that have to be removed from society until we CAN find a cure. Does it mean you are different, yes, much different and dangerous.
Anyone who thinks they can do better is welcome to volunteer to become a foster parent. Children with a history of abuse/neglect or just a history of early separations due to the death or incarceration of a parent often have very similar behaviors due to reactive attachment disorder. There aren't enough loving homes to give them the intensive support they need.
Hi AnarchistSoccerMom, This is just a small suggestion and not knowing more about your situation may be off the mark. You may want to check out the book _Healing Anxiety and Depression_ by Drs. Amen and Routh. Their practice does brain scans to detect over- and under-activity of the different parts of the brain and has classified 7 signatures that result in different types of "mental illness." Your son sounds like Type 6: "Temper outbursts; memory problems; mood instability; visual or auditory illusions, and dark, suicidal, frightening or evil thoughts; misinterprets comments in a negative way; trouble reading social situations; mild paranoia; may have episodes of panic or fear for no specific reason; frequent deja vu; preoccupied with religious thoughts," which the DSM-IV links to temporal lobe epilepsy and borderline personality disorder. I am not a doctor, but my understanding is that prescription is almost like guesswork, and perhaps your situation could benefit from the extra technology for diagnosis. Thanks for your consideration and I truly hope your son can find help.
Assault weapons bans and stricter regulations have to happen ! In China just this week a man attacked schoolchildren -- he had no access to guns or auto rifles. He used a knife and all children lived. Pretty straightforward in my opinion
In domestic violence episodes women are 12 TIMES more likely to be killed if there is a gun in the home.
Thank you for your courage in this article. I have two boys. One has Aspergers and he is 6'2" and 16yo another 14 yo and I don't know how he has coped. He is also moody and can be frightening at times I have spent over 500,000 in cash to get the best professionals to help in the home. It was covered minimally by insurance (I mean maybe 2%)
. The only thing that has ever helped is the best professionals twenty hours a week. I am now completely broke but my oldest maybe has a chance. I worry and am frightened every day I've become a recluse. People have said. Wow you really cared and did so much for your kids.
I was called a b... and a wh.. this week alone . I worry about my oldest sons future. Will I end up like Nancy Lanza alone with an older son who suffers from ostracization bullying & with a big kind heart who might lash back out at society or me some day? I am alone I don't invite people here and can barely pay rent because all our money is gone
Society has let us down -- I'm now a "taker" according to the Repubs and others. A judge recently chided me for spending 250,000 on my son (who now does not choke or hit other kids and adults)
I know your life very well. I really don't know of a solution other than getting more money to get him more help. My kids and myself are suffering.
You simply cannot understand unless you've lived it or are living it. Thank u again for your brave words!
Thank you so much for your post. I applaud your candid sharing. I am a teacher and have seen first hand the outbreaks you are talking about with some of our emotionally impaired students. I don't think that many who are commenting have probably seen or worked with children like your son. Those who have are nodding along with you and thanking you for sharing what we see. May God bless you as you continue to do the best you can. It's all any of us can do.
There are well documented cases of parents controlling and reversing their children's behaviroal problems using (don't laugh) medical marijuana. If a brownie or cookie can do the trick, why not? http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/autism-treatment-marijuana-madness-8763721
Unconditional love is the only way to go. Stop fighting with your son, Anarchist Soccer Mom. Give him some space. Forgive, forgive, forgive.
Don't sweat the small stuff. Forget about "tough love".
Stop threatening your son with a mental hospital when he misbehaves. And NEVER get the police involved in your family affairs, for any reason whatsoever.
I fear it may be too late to establish a relationship of trust with your son - you have betrayed him far too often.
Be on his side. Be in his corner, for him.
Forget all those labels, all those diagnoses. Love. Forgive. Hope.
Bless you and your son and your courage to blog about this to the world. We, I, needed to read this and have shared it on my wall. You are striking a human chord and I hope the response you get returns the love that is so clearly behind your every stand for your son! xoxo, a blogosphere friend
I understand. I have a child who needed mental health help. When I asked for help I was told the same things. I was told that I just needed to get tougher or be more strict or keep my boundaries, or to stay consistant. I felt crazy for sometimes being afraid, for sometimes not wanting to be this beautiful, wonderful, intelligent child's mother. I wanted help too. I understand you and I hope this tragedy will not be chocked up to mere gun control, but will demand that we find a better way to get the mental help services we need.
I would like to recommend someone who helped us tremendously when our child was very young. Her name is Nancy Thomas, her website is here:
http://www.attachment.org/
Our son had a (comparatively) mild form of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) which came from a severe case of jaundice. For several weeks as a newborn he spent a lot of time going to doctors. At the doctor he was always getting blood drawn with his mother holding him, so he unfortunately learned to associate the pain (which was higher due to what the jaundice was doing to his nervous system) with his mother. He was also in pain all the time, which we could not take away, thus the attachment disorder.
With the episodes we were seeing when he was 3 and 4, we could not imagine what it would be like when he was older and stronger. Thankfully a friend of my wife worked for Nancy Thomas and after hearing my wife talk about what we were going through, told us to call for a consultation. This led to training materials and teaching us how to work with our son, and even Nancy taking him overnight a few times, giving us a break and helping us to learn how to cope with his RAD. I do not know if your son has RAD or something else, but I am sure she could help you.
Today we have a fantastic 11 year old boy. Again, I cannot imagine what our lives would have been like without her help and methods. The hurtful things yelled, broken windows, and holes in the walls (from a 4 year old) -- without Nancy I have a feeling our story today would be much, much different than it is. Our daughter is 6 years younger than our son; we waited so long mostly because we were very afraid to bring another into the family until after Nancy had helped us heal our little boy. There are not words for what she meant to us when we needed her more than we even knew or understood. Other people would just tell us that "all children go through a difficult phase," not understanding what we really were dealing with. Since he was our first child, we didn't either. Nancy understood.
I urge you to contact her for a consultation. According to her website she has worked with children with "mood disorder, character disorder, personality disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Asperger’s, ADD, ADHD, Tourette’s syndrome and BiPolar Disorder." I wish you and your family all the best.
My son is 10 and has had all of the digonsis' mentioned above. He he spent time in treatment centers, group homes, and hospitals. I felt as if I was reading my own life.
Back when my son was younger, being a low income, single mother, instead of having resources given to me to help, I was attacked by the Department of Family Services, blamed for his behavior. I was told a child isn't born bad, implying that I raised him to be how he is. I was accused of using drugs and alcohol when I was pregnant because they said that's how addict children are.
I have been victimized not only by the system but by society as a whole.
I fought for my son because, as a mother, that's what I will do. I know what my son is capable of. I fear for my safety and his siblings safety. I know, as a mother, I will continue to be blamed. By him, his teachers, family, friends, society... everyone telling me what I should do, or how they can "fix" him...
But knowing the best place for him is home. With a mother who loves him, but still holds him accountable for what his does. A mom who will do everything to help and teach him...not a system that will harden him.
My husband worked at a treatment center in Missouri called CALO. He says it sounds a lot like reactive attachment disorder. I am sure your son has been tested for numerous things but I thought maybe if this hadn't been brought up it may help.
I just wanted to thank you for your story, your perspective, your bravery. Thank you for a truly relevant, crucial personal experience.
I tried sending my comment and it didnt go through.
My son is grown now with a family of his own.
He had symptoms very similar to your child.
To make a very long story short.
My son suffered from severe allergies that cause among other things ..brain swelling...that would result in severe anger,depression,headaches,you name it.
Your son needs to be tested for allegies.Dust,mold,chemicals,foods can cause extreme behavior exactly like your sons.
Please have him tested. He needs you as his ally
I'm a therapist, and I can assure you some parents are saints living on this earth.... dealing with the impossible... there are no good treatment options that don't deplete the family's finances and devastate their emotional strength - mental illness is real and the stigma it carries does not promote wellness options. I feel for these good, loving parents.
Do not accept any, not one shred of guilt, that people are slinging around here. I have worked as an emergency mental health worker. I have heard your voices on the phone late at night when your other children were locked inside their rooms for safety's sake. You did not cause this. You are bravely trying to trudge on and handle terrible things, probably by yourself. You ate doing as best you can. There are next to no resources anymore. Even getting 24 hours of respite is getting harder and harder to wrangle. All I can do is pray for you and those you love. Do not take the crap ignorant people are dishing out. You are worthy, you deserve love and you also deserve safety. I hope you can find some.
I'm proud of you for sharing. This is a testimony that rings true for so many of us who have either worked in the field of child and youth care, have someone like this in our family or who walk the helpless road of being held hostage by irregular thoughts or actions.
Support is needed on a broad scale, and I implore you to get involved in your state community health boards or whatever kind of public service commissions, forums, etc. that might be available to you in your area. Your voice needs to be heard as your national health care landscape is changing and as your nation rallies behind your great president to sort out "what next" in light of these far too frequent tragedies.
We in Canada have a form of universal health care, but mental illness is still an issue that sees scores of thousands fall through the cracks. In order to receive treatment in your situation, you would have to transfer your son to become a ward of the state. So sad.
My love and prayers to you, and as the stepfather of an amazing genius with Asperger's and similar moments of angry synaptic misfire, I feel your frustration, sadness and fear.
We focus on his particular learning style, which is black and white and very logical and dialectical, and work through those emotional upheaval moments. this is hard though because it's like when the fog hits, his incredible intellect wanes...
Exercise and diet seem to be key as does frequent displays of affection, unruly play and "tusslin".. kind of like exposure therapy to the curveballs that life sometimes throw at us. I'm very spontaneous and unpredictable and he has always been so ordered and predictable. since i've been on the scene (6 years - from ages 5-11 now) he is far more adaptable, comfortable with emotion and balanced.
Our love to you.
And that feedback about bad parenting and all that jazz: Whatever... Some people are just plain stunned!
xox
S.
Here is an idea: Please post a synopsis of all of the suggestions and information from all of the comments that offered help. Bloggers are trying to help, but apparently no one is listening. No one who needs help is reading down in the comments section. The reason I know this is because no one has emailed me to acquire the Alternative Medical Protocol that cures paranoid schizophrenia and other mental disease, in addition to osteo-arthritis. My email is anngcm1@gmail.com.
I have no words, only tears and silent support. I pray that God will heal your son from this demon.
We don't stigmatize people with cancer or allegies, but we do stigmatize mental illness. Which is ridiculous, it is exactly what it says: an illness.
As with anything in society, rights need to be balanced with the public good. In a family, if one child poses a physical threat to the other children, that child's rights must be curtailed for the prortection of the others. If one child has polio or plague; they would be quarantined. The same is true with violence, even if it is caused by illness.
The negative comments from survivors of serious mental illness indicate a lack of understanding of the toll it takes on families. We all have feelings, and pretending we don't does not fix anything. Nor does blaming help anyone. Parents do the best we can.
Any parent suffering under this kind of pressure needs support. I think you did what you had to do in spite of how hard it was. I hope you can continue to advocate for your son, and all the other children who need more help than their parents can provide alone. If 1% of what was spent on prisons was instead spent on mental health care, think how much better off the world would be.
Although by nature a privacy advocate, I applaud your action in speaking out so candidly, because someone had to. Mental health should not be a criminal justice issue.
While I suspect your intentions are good, and I certainly believe that mental health services in this country are not what they ought to be, by publishing this article on your own blog using your own name and posting a photo of "Michael" (about whom you've written using his real name in at least one previous post), you have now "outed" him and his problems to your entire community, including his school and classmates.
And of course now it's gone viral, so anyone who's read this blog knows who you and "Michael" are.
Do you really think that was appropriate?
Thanks for your blunt honesty and willingness to speak the truth, despite that some people, not wanting to believe this could happen to them, will say it's somehow your fault. It definitely sounds like he presents with some sort of mental health impairment, and I pray that despite the shortcomings of and cuts to our mental health system, your son and your family get the care that you all deserve. Thanks for your courage in speaking what so needs to be heard by all.
Macey...you are a master manipulator with zero capacity for empathy. As a social worker who works on a daily basis with explosive children and their families I can attest to the harsh reality of the blogger's story.
I can also speak from my own personal experience with my brother whose mental illness has only gotten more severe over the years even though my mother has bent over backwards to be supportive of him. At 45 years of age, he has not been able to work for more than 20 years. When he did work, he never had a job that lasted more than two or three months because his rage would either cause him to explode and walk out of the workplace or get fired.
He lives alone, completely isolated by choice. We are not allowed to come inside his apartment. He has no friends. He has verbally and physically attacked my mother, myself, and others since he was about 13 years old. Even so, my mother has loved and supported him emotionally and financially to no avail.
At times he can be very friendly and conversational, but we never know when he will "switch" to a raging, verbally and physically abusive lunatic. He's threatened to kill both of us and my husband multiple times for reasons that we cannot comprehend and he can't explain. To make matters worse, he is a binge drinker who locks himself in his apartment for days and will not answer the phone.
I remember my brother telling me when he was 17 years old that he felt like there was a disease like cancer inside of him and it was eating him alive. He told me he could never get married or have a family because he could not control the rage inside of him. I was so alarmed that I told my parents what he said and begged them to get him some help. Instead, they tried to pacify him by giving him everything he demanded and letting him do whatever he wanted. Even as they did this, his raging attacks on them increased.
A few years later, when it was obvious to everyone who met him that my brother was seriously mentally ill, my parents tried to get help, but were told there was nothing they could do unless he hurt himself or someone else. We were told that he could only be hospitalized or receive treatment of any kind on a voluntary basis. But, since he does not have any insight into his mental illness, he will not seek help. The very mention of it, sets him into a violent rage. So, here we are many years later, with a very sick adult family member, and it's like living with a ticking time bomb that might go off at any instant.
When I hear these stories of mass shootings and the oftentimes young boys and men who perpetrate them, I can't help but wonder if one day I will wake up and turn on the news and find my brother has committed one of these atrocities. I don't think you have the slightest inkling of what that feels like. Like my brother, you just want to place the blame for all your problems on everyone else.
I tried sending my comment and it didnt go through.
My son is grown now with a family of his own.
He had symptoms very similar to your child.
To make a very long story short.
My son suffered from severe allergies that cause among other things ..brain swelling...that would result in severe anger,depression,headaches,you name it.
Your son needs to be tested for allegies.Dust,mold,chemicals,foods can cause extreme behavior exactly like your sons.
Please have him tested. He needs you as his ally
THANK YOU...MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. I know that it could not have been easy to post this let alone write this for the public to see and comment on, but you are helping shine a light on the mental health system and how there is little to no help for people with these extreme cases of mental illness. I work in the mental health field and find it disheartening that many times individuals are not hospitalized because they have "No Beds" for them in the psych unit. YOUR STRENGTH SHINES OUT when i read this because i know it is not easy to share what you have just shared.... Lets hope and pray that they will start talking about mental health and what can be done, not just gun laws, CT has strict gun laws already, We need to look at the bigger picture. Because it takes a person to pull a trigger.
Thank you.
Nicole
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhO0Pul_FcE&feature=youtu.be
All, I am so sorry I have not had a chance to respond more personally to these comments. The stories so many of you have shared are poignant and heartfelt. This has been a difficult time for so many. For those of you struggling with mental illness, thank YOU for your courage, and God bless!
I sympathize with you, but I think there are two things you need to realize. 1) Even a normal boy around Michael's age has anger issues. I know I certainly did. With all that testosterone coursing through their bodies, even the slightest provocation (real or imagined) can set them over the edge. That brings me to 2) perception differences. We all have them. Your story started off with you telling your son he was wearing the wrong color pants. He may not have even realized it, but once you told him "you can't" it became an issue of will. For all you know, he could have seen those navy blue as black. Different eyes, different lights in different areas, etc. Perhaps a different approach when he seems to be doing something wrong (and I know it's difficult when you're not in the right mood yourself) could curtail some of the problems.
Thank you so much for this post from your heart. I have posted it to FB as I'm sure many others are doing as well.
Thanks for sharing; I understand what you're going through. I just moved out with my teenage son so that my husband & our other kids can lead a normal life. I can handle my son pretty well, whereas other family members cannot handle him and then violence escalates. So far things at both homes are much improved; I am feeling blessed.
I think one of the biggest challenges we have as a people and one of the first steps we must overcome, is that many of us refuse to believe that children and teenagers can ever have psychological disorders that essentially make them sociopaths and psychopaths. We want to believe that such things only develop because of poor environment, abuse, neglect, the penal system, bad parenting, chemicals in our food, water, and air, etc.
Yet time and time again we find that these kids go off and do something horrible and unimaginably violent. Why is this happening more now than 50 or 100 years ago? Well maybe it isn't happening more. Maybe past incidents were kept hushed or quieted. Or maybe communities were smaller, so there were less potential victims. Maybe good people would recognize a potential psychopath early enough and kill them before they had a chance to harm others (this seems very possible the further back you go as such remedies were more commonly accepted).
Whatever the reason, the point is we have an obvious problem that we, as a nation, have been desperately avoiding. We can't wrap our minds around the very young being so very messed up in the head. We are making progress. More people are waking up to this fact.
In the last year I have seen a story on the news of a young psychopath (and I know people are going to hate to term applied to someone so young, but bear with me) that as young as 4 or 5 years old was showing all the psychological signs of serial killers and other violent members of the mentally ill. At the time of the story he was 9 or 10 years old and the signs were only growing stronger.
But this child and others like him were finally be recognized for what they were. And this recognition was coming early enough for them to be watched and treated before they became talented enough to hide their symptoms. This is crucial. No one wants to accept that their child might be violently mentally ill and capable of horrifying things. But we need to move past this denial. We need to address this early enough so that hopefully these atrocities can be prevented.
I am sorry for the hell that you are going through but to compare yourself with Lanza's mother is just not appropriate. We DON"T KNOW what she went through. If she were so afraid of him, would she have purchased weapons?
I live in the Netherlands, we have a healthcare system that will sound heavenly to you.
Many of our mentally ill will be cared for in homes instead of prisons.
We have a strict arms-control law. Only when you are a member of a shooting club you are allowed to own a gun. You are screened before you are accepted, screened by the club and police.
But we also have shootings that seem to come from nowhere.
In a mall, in school, in homes, just like the USA only less frequently.
And every time a shooting happens here is a call for action.
A few weeks ago an line-judge was kicked to death just after a match by some 16 year old soccer-players. Why, we still don't know.
The soccer-team is taken out of the competition and the following weekend all soccer-games were cancelled. And there was a call for action. What, nobody knows.
I have no children of my own but my brother is mentally handicapped.
He will get angry but will only show that anger when he is in his room and starts shouting at himself. The most sever act of aggression was when he was about 10 and cut out all the buttons of my overcoat because he was angry with me and as I am 5 years older....
Will he ever go on a rampage, I don't know.
I'm diagnosed with ADD and Asperger syndrom. I'm calmness itself. Everybody always says that I will never loose my temper.
Will I ever go on a rampage, I don't know.
I do know that I once hit my wife, why we still don't know.
I do know that I once displaced an officedesk (about 200 pounds heavy) several feet, just because it became to much for me. Would I have shot somebody if I caried a gun, I don't know.
I feel for you Soccer Mom, try keep loving him, try to say that you love him although he threatens to kill you.
I hope that you will be able to get him somewhere save for him and for society.
Be strong, get strength from all the comments you've got (I have not read them all).
This is Paul Stanley, politics editor with The Christian Post. Would love to interview you. paul.stanley@christianpost.com
I am praying for you!
This is a very powerful article you've written. My sympathy to what will be a lifelong struggle for your family and your son. I cannot say I know what you are experiencing because my children do not suffer from any mental or physical ailments. It makes me see how fortunate and blessed I am. My heart goes out to you, and I pray for a solution to your son's problems. I pray he will overcome and make is way in the world.
Thank you for sharing your story. My brother is an adult now but was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He was born with tetralogy of fallot, a heart abnormality and a symptom of DiGeorge syndrome. A small percentage of babies born with this develop mental illness later on. What you described in your son I have seen in my brother. With my parents opting for health care under MediCal, my brother now lives in a house (not a facility) with others just like him. Under a special rehabilitation program he was able to learn how to be more independent, get work experience, and have social outings. You are not alone and you are not a bad parent. Don't listen to these people who have no idea what it's like. You are brave and please stay strong.
It took a lot of guts and desparation to post this! I commend you.
When I heard the gunman had Asperger's, I broke down and cried. My almost 13 year old does too. He was extremely violent wielding knives at 4, choking me to the point that my life flashed before my eyes at 10, kicking his 3rd grade teacher in the knee hard enough for surgery and hitting his 4th grade teacher in the chest and cracking her sternum.
Nothing violent since. I'm hopeful as he is entering puberty.
I have raised two older brothers--young men--who are happy, contributing members of society as well as taking care of numerous day care children when I was younger. These experiences gave me the courage to handle a child like my 13 year old.
Shame on anyone who thinks the posting mom is less than par. She needs all your support so that she can help her child!
Please email me. I am obligated to help you with what has worked for my son. He is beyond similar to yours! LAJmom359@gmail.com.
Try "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's a new approach to parenting children like this
This is so brave and so important; you have echoed my thoughts since Friday. You will receive so many comments from mothers of volatile boys (mine is 22 now) who know exactly what you are going though. Thank you on behalf of all of us; I wish you strength in the midst of your heartache.
What an insightful post. Thank you for sharing. I will pray for your family and your son and spread your wise words however I can.
God bless you.
You are a fabulous person and I applaud your efforts to reach out. I hope you find the assistance you need, and quickly.
Yes. Another two cents worth: teens for some reason have trouble correctly interpreting facial expressions and tend to see most emotions as anger. So if the parent is frightened or upset or insistent, to the teen this looks like anger, like a threat, so he escalates.
I can see why you are afraid. Anything outside of our control is frightening, especially these behavior problems with much loved children. Because I am a Traumatic Brain Injury Survivor, I would ask, has your son had any, and I mean any concussions or other brain injuries? Behavior problems like the ones you describe are prevalent in young brain injured children. If you can remember even a mild concussion, I urge you to see a Neuropsychologist and have him tested. Scars or lesions on the brain can be found using MRI and CAT scans. If they find trauma, they can tell you what part of the brain is involved. They might have solutions that you have never been told about. I pray that this small note helps you in some measure.
Hello. I saw your post on Facebook and immediately thought of this young man's story. Please, please take the time to read it. They sound so similar!
http://www.feingold.org/joshua.php
I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, and in the millions of e-mails you're receiving, I hope you find this one.
This elimination diet has helped our son tremendously, without the use of drugs or therapies.
I read your story today. I am involved with a woman who has a 10 yr old son who is ADHD and slightly autistic. While he has not shown dramatic sighs like your son, he does not show empathy and is very bad to his sister and mom. All we can do is keep him on his meds and do our best. May God be with you and all those who deal with mental illness issues
To Michael and others out there who know this all to well, such as I do with twins who are now 21 that have mental illnesses as well. I am hopeful that some day there will be a cure. But I know we have to speak out to be heard or nothing will be done. I live in Massachusetts where things are different here n they do care more than other states do. There is still along long way to go, though. They have some things in place to help like crisis intervention and adults with disabilities help for a parent who cares for there children or adults at home. This is in place to help financially and they have insurance that covers there bills as well. If I knew about the programs years ago. I would have received help then before using my pension for things. I need to let you and anyone else know it may be the state I live in. And I'd like to thank Kennedy for all that he has done for this state He was a great leader n knew things needed to be in place. My prayers go with those who struggle n fight every day to keep safe the ones who need so much help. I also find certain foods ( most are filled with additives, face flavors, colors msg n hydrogenated things . keep to more natural n wash the chemicals off them. Diet is essential also. My sons also have high IQs n when my son was starting to get his illness he would talk to me how he knows something is happening n he doesnt' like it. zypresa worked for him ... miracle drug... he was back to college n then his liver levels hit the roof... now we struggle again with no medication working for him. So sad. I know he is a good person very loving n loves to joke around. Sad to see him change. He told me before he remembers doing n saying crazy stuff n said he believed with all his heart that those things were true until he had balance on the right meds. But that has passed now. I hope parents have there child have a spec scan to make sure there are no vein issues or etc.. Also there is a book called.. " Change your brain change your mind by Daniel G. Amen, M.D.
Please check the TSA (Tourettes Syndrome Asso.) website and search "rage attacks".The dilated pupils is very familiar.
i too am that mum,i have aspergers children and husband,all peaceloviong except older daughter,violent tendancies from day one but because oit was in the 1960s there was no diagnosis and as she was a straight a student we were not believed,her violece and agression got worse over the years,finaly she was diagnosed with reactive para noid schizapheria,on top of her a./s at age 25,she was sectioned many times to protect her self and others,she alway was calmer and none violent on her meds,but always left them off,eventualy she lost custody of her child and her husband could take no more,its very sad she now takes her meds,has not been violent for a while now,but has lost every thing,the rest of my aspergers family are real peacefull and never violent,
You're a good mother. There may be no good treatment for your son ... yet. But I thank you from the bottom of my heart for not collecting semi-automatic handguns and assault rifles. I sat yesterday afternoon at the home of the mother of one of the teachers gunned down at Sandy Hook Elementary School; the mother and I were colleagues for years. Now, as a substitute teacher in a larger town near Newtown, I work occasionally with the husband of the murdered principal; he is a veteran teacher in my town. Mrs. Hochsprung helped me and my older daughter, then 11, when Dawn was an administrator at the school where her husband now teaches. We are reeling in this multi-town community. The community is many tens of thousands more than the 27,000 population of Newtown, and I guess most of us know someone related to someone who died. Finally, do not believe the Newtown residents who suggest theirs is an idyllic community. Many troubled people live there, as in every town.
My heart goes out to you also. We went through this with my daughter when she was a teen. She was involuntarily committed 3 times. She was diagnosed as being bi-polar. She has grown out of the violent episodes at 26, although she still shows signs of being bi-polar, she is no longer violent. I sincerely hope you you have the some outcome. In the mean time, please keep up your strength and your love for your son.
Hi Michigan miss
I saw your reply on here and decided to write you and then I noticed you are from Michigan, as am I. I have a child who is an "indigo child" and not that all seemingly mentally I'll kids are this, but I think more often than not, this truth is being overlooked, and is the missing piece to this heartbreaking puzzle. I read auras and can see if a child has the aura of an indigo, I really encourage you to research this subject to see if it matches your child. If you'd like for me to read your child's aura id be happy to do it over an email picture. This may or may not be a new concept to you, it may be your key. My email is taylor.sierra@gmail.com
Blessings to you
I tried to find an email address for you somewhere but no luck. I recognize this is not the focus of your post but my response is about providing you with a possible avenue to get your son help that you may not have explored. That is to say - I have one person's name for you - Daniel Amen - get your son a brain scan and figure out what you can do for him in a targeted way. Giving your son meds and diagnosing him without the benefit of actually looking at the organ that is malfunctioning is ludicrous. Would you let someone remove your kidney with no x-ray or cat scan because your symptoms 'seemed to suggest' that was what was wrong with you? Prescribing psychotropic meds in the absence of a brain scan is doing just that. I hope you will consider what I've suggested and that if you do - it brings you the answers you are hoping to find. God bless you and your son.
Check into the possibility that Michael was sexually abused by someone causing his rage for not protecting him.
Some of the things that you wrote about your son reminded me of my daughter (especially the part about the pupils of his eyes). She was diagnosed with ADHD and later we found out she had a food allergy-soy. Once she stopped eating products with soy in them her violent mood swings subsided considerably. We also found a holistic pediatrician who was also an MD who put her on a vitamin regimend. After about 2 weeks she started being able to control her mood swings and is excelling in school. Your child may be suffering from something completely different than my daugther but I wanted to share what worked for us. She is a completely different child now and I thank god every day that we persisted in trying different methods until we found the one that worked for her. I felt hopeless at one point and my mother is the one that suggested we have her tested for food allergies again.
Cross posted from Hacker News:
Michael needs a father of equal intelligence to cheer him on towards what is good in life. Full Stop.
Why does no one in this comment thread mention how the mother is filling Michael with pride at the same time she is trying to destroy it in him? If he is intelligent (and even incredibly mentally unstable) how can calling him a genius while giving him orders do anything but bring out terrible defiance in him? Males are extreme, and the mother is bringing them all out. Too many extremes. Way too many.
Maybe look to God and see how you are being Haughty towards your son, petty, and bringing out wrath in him because you are simultaneously building and destroying ENORMOUS amounts of pride.
Second of all, if he is talking about death and killing himself and people, perhaps it is more wise to let the navy pants argument go before it even started. Just wow.
I saw this article on a FB post and I felt very compelled to comment on it, who knows if you (the original author) will see it but I want you to know there is a glimmer of hope happening.
My husband is in SLS services (Supported Living Services) for an Autistic adult male who was living in a mental institution but was not doing well. He was a very dangerous individual and they were very weary about putting him in the program because of it.
Since then, they have trained all of their staff on how to handle this individual if he has an "episode" of rage and they have proofed the house just for him. They help him live his daily life, take him to run his errands, go to movies, have "play dates" with others in the SLS program, etc.
This is a BRAND NEW program and I am not sure of how many others like it and it sparked something in my husbands mind that blew me away.
He wants to open up a combination of a school/group home/institution where people just like your child can go and live their lives. I don't want to call it a mental institution because he does not want it that way. There will be all grade school teachers, cooking classes, gardening, you name it. I KNOW it sounds like a stretch but my husband really wants to make a difference and I feel that we need places like this all over the country. People need a place with REAL answers, not just a diagnosis.
My daughter has PDD-NOS and hyperactivity and she also has a lot of rage/anger outbursts daily. She is only 3 years old and I am just hoping that she is able to get to a place where she can control her emotions. You are not alone and we need to keep this discussion going until real progress is made.
Thank you for sharing this, it was very insightful and made me know that what my husband is doing is right and I will keep pushing him to make it happen!
Thank you for speaking this and so many other hard truths.
I hope many will read and think about your story. We need to deal with this flaw that makes some of us destructive and self-destructive.
I wish you the best, and better still.
I saw this article on a FB post and I felt very compelled to comment on it, who knows if you (the original author) will see it but I want you to know there is a glimmer of hope happening.
My husband is in SLS services (Supported Living Services) for an Autistic adult male who was living in a mental institution but was not doing well. He was a very dangerous individual and they were very weary about putting him in the program because of it.
Since then, they have trained all of their staff on how to handle this individual if he has an "episode" of rage and they have proofed the house just for him. They help him live his daily life, take him to run his errands, go to movies, have "play dates" with others in the SLS program, etc.
This is a BRAND NEW program and I am not sure of how many others like it and it sparked something in my husbands mind that blew me away.
He wants to open up a combination of a school/group home/institution where people just like your child can go and live their lives. I don't want to call it a mental institution because he does not want it that way. There will be all grade school teachers, cooking classes, gardening, you name it. I KNOW it sounds like a stretch but my husband really wants to make a difference and I feel that we need places like this all over the country. People need a place with REAL answers, not just a diagnosis.
My daughter has PDD-NOS and hyperactivity and she also has a lot of rage/anger outbursts daily. She is only 3 years old and I am just hoping that she is able to get to a place where she can control her emotions. You are not alone and we need to keep this discussion going until real progress is made.
Thank you for sharing this, it was very insightful and made me know that what my husband is doing is right and I will keep pushing him to make it happen!
I know what youre goin thru...and I can only imagine how afraid you must feel....Im curious to know how things escalated so quickly though. Did his behavior come on unprovoked by any outside factors or were they side effects creating unstable mood swings or depression from medication he was taking? Problems like this can be quenched early on in a kids life with lighter therapeutic treatment, such as counseling sessions, or maybe enrolling him in big brother programs or something where he'll feel part of a community and not feel isolated. Programs which isolate people from the outside world tend to do more damage than good because it only disconnects them further from the everyday....as well as you. As hard as it might be to understand when ur faced with direct violence, sometimes the simpler solutions are more effective than the drastic ones.
How we all wish we could help, wish there were help for the millions who need it. Forty years ago when I went far off the track -- lost but not violent -- friends and state financed therapy helped me back. But the single most important act was my taking a hatha yoga class. The first session stilled my mind, enabling me to sleep dreamlessly for the first time in more than a year. I characterize it now as centering myself in my belly to control the flood-tide of thoughts and fears. That's all I can offer.
Hi, I would like to talk to you about your son's condition and my own experience with psyche drugs, I think it could help you. Feel free to contact me.
kathyanne88@gmail.com
You may or may not want to visit this woman's blog and her post regarding you, where she says, among other things, "In most posts, her allegedly insane and violent son is portrayed as a normal boy who incites her wrath by being messy, buying too many Apple products and supporting Obama." http://sarahkendzior.com/2012/12/16/want-the-truth-behind-i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-read-her-blog/
Thank you for your honesty & your detailed description of what it is like to be you. My heart goes out to you & my prayers are with you & your family. There by the grace of God go I.
I just got a thought. If all the women/mothers of children like your son would band together (there's safety in numbers) and write separate letters (personal stories of the horror that they & their child(ren) live with) to the President of the United States, don't you think that that may have an impact on the governments responsibility (their part) in this matter?!? I would not only make sure to present ALL the letters at the same time (again, safety in numbers), but I would also make sure that the media was aware of the letters going to the President. This would certainly give this subject of mental illness a stance to be reconciled with.
Hi
Thank u for sharing.have u ever heard of indigo children.? I have one, you and Liza's son sound like one, please google it. I read auras and can tell you if you have the aura of an indigo, it would answer so many questions for you, if you do. I can read auras over email if you'd like to know please email me at taylor.sierra@gmail.com. No charge!
I highly suggest you look into Dr. Joel Wallach to help you with your son. Daily Essential Nutrients over drugs and going on a gluten free diet ASAP. Good luck.
20 minutes of meditation (start with guided) and yoga a day will keep the problems away
Thank you for your honesty & your detailed description of what it is like to be you. My heart goes out to you & my prayers are with you & your family. There by the grace of God go I.
I just got a thought. If all the women/mothers of children like your son would band together (there's safety in numbers) and write separate letters (personal stories of the horror that they & their child(ren) live with) to the President of the United States, don't you think that that may have an impact on the governments responsibility (their part) in this matter?!? I would not only make sure to present ALL the letters at the same time (again, safety in numbers), but I would also make sure that the media was aware of the letters going to the President. This would certainly give this subject of mental illness a stance to be reconciled with.
I appreciate your honesty and love for your son. I hope you can find the best care for him. I to make sure that as we continue this much needed conversation about the stigma against mental illness we remember that not all people with mental illnesses are violent, in fact the vast majority are not. It is saddening to me when the two (mental illness and violence) are assumed to always go together, when I have many friends with mental illnesses who are completely not-violent and actually much more likely to be victims due to the hard life they have had. Thanks again for the story.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. I live my my bi-polar sister who is manic right now, divorced from a Marine with PTSD and Bi-polar, and have a 19 yr old daughter who is bi-polar also. Right at the moment hates me because I tried to get her help and she refused to take her medication. My EX in-laws will tell you that my daughter nor their son has a problem.
All I can do is pray for them. I pray for myself and having to care for my sister for the rest of her life.
God Bless You!
Been there, have seen that.
I am the mother of a 16 yr old autistic boy who has many of the same issues you seem to talk about. Remember that it was his disability that called you a bitch not your sweet boy. The books that helped our family the most are Ross Greene's "Thee explosive child" and "Lost at school." We consider what you describe as a melt down. He is not himself when he is in a melt down, it is more like a seizure. I realize you are very frustrated and I agree our MH system sucks. But the only way that this is going to improve is if you don't impose your expectations on him.
I Bet This so-called The Anarchist Soccer Mom has Never Played Soccer in her life. let alone name any team member on the current USA Woman Soccer squad. If you are NOT CURRENTLY playing on Local Soccer Team. STOP CALLING YOURSELF on SOCCER MOM!
I agree with everything you write except one thing - Adam Lanza's mother allowed her son access to multiple high powered guns. You keep kitchen knives away from her child because you know what could happen if he has access to them. As a mental health professional, I pray for parents with the your awareness and the willingness to be proactive in the home. I do not blame Adam's mother for this, but, simply put, if you have a severely ill child, you do not keep assault weapons in your home, nor do you allow your child access to them.
I work at a therapeutic day school for kids with emotional/behavioral problems and the kids make threats against us, themselves, each other, the school - on a daily basis. I work hard to help these kids and, as I said, would love it if every parent cared as much as you do.
I Bet This so-called The Anarchist Soccer Mom has Never Played Soccer in her life. let alone name any team member on the current USA Woman Soccer squad. If you are NOT CURRENTLY playing on Local Soccer Team. STOP CALLING YOURSELF on SOCCER MOM! I come from Family five Generation soccer players.
Powerful! Thank you for opening my eyes. I am forever changed because of the time you took to share your experience with all of us!
My father had a fast cycling, violent bipolar disorder. I have a sibling who is still alive who has one, too. Both earned doctorates from Ivy League schools, neither received effective treatment, and both threatened my life. My sibling attempted to smother my newborn son with a pillow the day I brought him home from the hospital. Fortunately I happened to walk into the room in time. You know of what you speak, and my heart breaks for you.
I trust you know that your blog has gone viral. (I received it via Facebook from a relative at one of the service academies who says it's viral there.) I hope and pray that it has been brought to Barack Obama's attention, and has been read by other politicians who are in positions to make change happen. In my lifetime much of our society has become color blind, and gays are being given civil rights. I want so much next to see the stigma removed from the mentally ill. Then we will be able to screen and treat these people who suffer so much......and provide relief and solace to their families.
Fuck you dumb bitch. Putting your son on a bunch of chemicals is damaging enough.
www.autisminternetmodules.org
This is a great website, to help you deal with certain behaviors, its free, and I have used it a lot for my training as a ABA Therapist I work with Autism and Asperger's children doing behavior modification. if anyone has any questions just email me,
Taralaws01@hotmail.com
I was this kid. I am female. My mom had me locked up Thanksgiving 1987. She refused to take me back. Ever. I was released April 1993, shortly before I turned 18. I may be Mensa smart, but my severe lack of motivation sotrta prevents me from ever doing anything. I went to college for a few months before someone pissed me off and I left. I never did kill anyone, maybe because I am a female. No one, in 14 different facilities (no one liked to keep me very long) ever successfully figured out what to diagnose me. The most common was "sociopath" but I can promise you I am capable of love. I am now 37. I still legitimately want to kill people for slighting me, but I'm older and have a better vocabulary and can emote my rage better, so I guess I just don't. Good luck with your son.
Bless you, and thank you for sharing what must be daily pain. I'm praying for you, and praying for solutions that work. It's time we talk about this as a nation. It's time for us to figure this out.
PART ONE
I identify with you, except that our family situation is such that my sons' sociopathic father has deliberately done his utmost to create, then aggravate their mental health issues. I have been forced to devote my life to doing everything possible (and spending everything I had), to maximize their life opportunities. This meant largely (variously - their needs weren't identical): adding social and academic enrichment opportunities , (always, always) setting the best possible example, therapy - as high quality as possible (this needs saying? I fear so), working with them on values.
As a result, things are now - better than they would have been. Much better. However, they are still painful for us all. My young adult sons are still struggling. Their outcomes are still uncertain. Thankfully, I no longer fear they are in the "dangerous to others" category - except perhaps (at the worst moments) to me.
FWIW, those bad times, are almost always the results of external stressors - referring to cruel and beyond, harm inflicted on our small suffering family unit (the two sons and me), by their father and members of extended “family". The origin of their problems is not mysterious – nor is there a strong inherited component. Whether or not it's plausible to readers here, the "bad guys" hurting us, are close relatives - belonging to our extremely dysfunctional, multi-generational family system. Our sad story could (and perhaps someday, will) fill a thick book of abnormal psychology - more common than "normal" people can imagine. Which is why I can't write such terms as "family" without quotation marks because those "family members" are so far removed from what most people understand by such caring persons.
I more than sympathize with the the mom-author in this story, wishing her and her other children good fortune and a turn-around in their lives. Things CAN always improve, although there is definitely no magic solution. (Dare I ask if the father is still in the picture? I sure hope so - at least, in a positive sense). My relatively affluent mother contributed a great deal of money to me, which I spent on helping my sons - almost all gone now - and what a shame, since I myself have become physically disabled - largely from stress. (I am almost completely unable to walk now.)
Earlier it would have helped more, if her contributions had not been accompanied by her manipulations and favoritism ( the older over the younger, my brothers over me ). That and her tugging puppeteer strings, greatly aggravated the stress on me and the younger son. Still, I was so certain that their lives were at stake (the older one, especially), I decided to take advantage of these resources to provide whatever help I could - believing as I did that the earlier the interventions were put to work, the greater was their chance of success.
We lived for decades in "at home hospitalization" programs - ever since the older son, was a toddler. That’s when he began to be badly hurt by the catastrophic effects of his father’s intended "honor killing" (me). Still, my primary plan was successful - to capitalize on his intellectual strengths, in hopes it would compensate for his massive social deficits.
Well, I COULD go on and on, about our suffering - including all we've learned and the desperate, unmet needs which left us critically damaged . Also, about how we were isolated and sickened, by the failings of "the System". (One among many: high intellectual ability, can - it certainly did for us - handicap children, by disqualifying them from specialized care for their ADD and their emotional/mental needs. ).
I'm not sure if this is about you or if you wrote this for another mom or if you just put it on your blog - but I just sobbed because for the first time I am hearing someone else tell my story. I am willing to be a part of something to try and get things done about this... I just don't know where to start. I was told the same thing about getting my son arrested, to get help... Our family life has been a chaotic whirl wind... I wonder how it will end!
EXACT same article?? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/16/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-mental-illness-conversation_n_2311009.html
Not so long ago, this was my life. I was sure I was raising a serial killer or would be stabbed to death in my sleep. It's an exhausting and heartbreaking way to live that cannot be cured by once-a-month, hour-long counseling appointments. I took the help that I could get, but the real work was between me and my son, how I reacted to him, never giving up on him, fighting for him every hour of every day. He had an attachment disorder, which can look like bipolar disorder or a number of other things. I'm the one who brought this to the "professionals'" attention. After over a decade of fighting for my son's life, he is now 23 and a happy and productive member of society who has given me the most beautiful granddaughter. There is hope. Keep fighting for your son. You are his strongest ally. God be with you.
PART TWO
At any rate, stopping the narration at this point, I want to be sure to include at least one crucial practical pointer for the author and other suffering parents. As so often happens, in the last generation, the pendulum has swung wide in the opposite direction - here, in regards to how the law protects children from over-controlling parents and practitioners. For decades, children from the age of fourteen and up, have become “protected” - granted the right to manage all/almost all aspects of their treatment.
Just as parents learn to dread the increasing size and weight of their out-of-control children, now we must also be made aware of this critical legal watershed in their self management. It is IMPERATIVE to do whatever you can, before this age - based on the frightening awareness that afterwards, you may not even be able to access their psychiatric records. I was unable even to get access to the psychiatric records of one fourteen year old son, EVEN BY GIVING ME WRITTEN RELEASE! His doctor, "thought he remembered" having heard of a doctor who was sued in such an instance, because the patient latter complained of having been pressured to capitulate!
Granted, this MD was extraordinarily incompetent - even personally, unwell - but, from a plethora of online support groups, I have heard countless similar horror stories. Parents were unable to protect their mentally ill children - including protecting them and those around them - from potential damage. (Yes, violence was - again - a danger). What could be more heart-breaking and terrifying, than losing contact with your beloved but dangerously disturbed children?
I myself went through years only able to track one son, through his online web-participation and my (minimal) investigative know-how. Indeed, like many such parents, I have had to depend on Face Book for all information about him. He moved in with his father, after he became physically abusive with me. From then on, I only got feedback on him from the impatient High School attendance secretary – that, and from reading between the lines of Face Book. I probably could have insisted his father give me more feedback, except that his father and step-mother were so oblivious to his actual mental health issues, it would have been fruitless. (His father didn't even realize when our son went without sleep for five days running, week after week. Meanwhile, I could tell when he was exhausted within minutes of one of our rare phone calls!).
Parents of disturbed children, however much you are already doing, take into account this cautionary note. Based on this age cut-off of your/your child's "rights", inform yourselves about your child's whereabouts and whatever agreements you and they can put into place before they turn fourteen. Afterwards, you may permanently lose the ability to track their whereabouts. Be sure you have their fingerprints - perhaps as also implant a micro-chip (with their permission, of course) . After all, you would do as much for a pet, why not your child? Perhaps, make certain agreements clear to them; i.e., your interest in knowing what's going on with them. However much they may feel rejecting/rejected and enraged - make it clear you love them forever. Also what that will mean to them and your relationship.
For instance, reiterate that you will ALWAYS be willing to pay for a return trip home, answer collect calls, and to provide/arrange for legal/therapeutic help. That you will always be willing to work on their behalf, without coercion - if only to work with them, to facilitate they receive help - no matter what goes wrong. That you are their parents, forever and a day - and as such, that you are ready and willing to help to whatever extent you are able.
PART THREE
Make sure that they have contact information through a safe third party to facilitate communication (a lawyer, therapeutic help, other assistance - with or without rules to do with your own mutual safety issues). Then, even if they lose the deep seated sense of being loved and cared for, they will (hopefully), be willing to work with that intermediary, to avoid your "losing" them. Drugs, pimps, loss of a sense of self and more, can distance them from you. This way, though, you have more of a chance to protect them - either from a hostile society or a disturbed and confused sense of their identity.
Age fourteen is a crucial water-shed which can cut you off from your child. The agony of not knowing where they are - living or dead - can be a nightmare worse than any you have thus far experienced. Your legal rights are almost non-existent past that age. When your child him/herself is mentally ill, it can become almost impossible to find them when they go astray.
Worse still, by the time you discover this almost unimaginable legal cut-off, it can be too late. Along with "ordinary" legal thresh-holds, mental illness (paranoia, the belief that you are against them), can sever your parent-child bonds. This can go beyond anything you can imagine from your tender recollections of their earliest childhood.
Be realistic and "prepare for the worst, while expecting the best". Tragically, things CAN get worse. Do what you can - now - to avoid this heart-breaking tragedy so you can protect yourself and them, from this ultimate loss of your child. Otherwise, you can lose them permanently, because of the estrangement caused by their mental health issues in conjunction with our crazy legal system.
@Travis Mays
You, sir, are an idiot. I can make this judgment with the same reasoning you made your judgment regarding this mother. My judgment of you is based solely on your writing. I am guessing you did not read the entire blog but instead read a few lines and made your holier than thou snap judgment. How many children have you worked with, sir? And in what capacity? How many parents have you worked with, sir? And in what capacity. Please enlighten us with your credentials. I am a public school teacher. I work with all types of students and parents. I have seen parents struggle with what is the right and just thing to do in regards to their children. Especially those who have unidentifiable mental instabilities. Some children, my own included, do throw fits when they do not get their ways. Some children, mine included, do threaten to run away. But not all children pull knives on their mothers or threaten to kill themselves. I, as well as every other professional who works at a school, are required by law to report any incident of a child threatening to hurt him/herself or others. Threatening suicide definitely falls into this category. This mother did the right thing. You, sir, are the same person who would blame the schools and the parents for any crimes this child committed against you. You, sir, can not fully comprehend the life this woman (and many others) are living. Please, for the good of all, keep your vile and hate filled words to yourself.
I saw your blog post through facebook. I think you are correct that mental illness is what we need to be tackling. I read your post to my husband and he said that you should consider contacting NAMI if you haven't already. It is the National Association on Mental Illness and they have support groups for parents and they may have some ideas for you.
I have two small children of my own. Here in Canada, I used to work one on one with children with Austism and ADHD so I had lots of contact with parents in situations like yours. It is so difficult even when you have a diagnosis and support, and once you are "in the system" so much more help is available to make a safe environment for your child. Until then, being consistent, firm and unconditionally loving are the best things that you can do. You are doing all of that and I applaud you.
It so troubling when the only option given to you by professionals is the fast track of prescribing more meds. Zyprexa is not approved by the FDA for paediatric (under 18 years) use. It's also been linked to giving adults diabetes. They didn't give you that information with the prescription, did they? How are you, as a responsible parent, supposed to make an informed decision without all of the information? Meds (even off label) can be so effective, but only when prescribed properly and by a process involving much evaluation.
I really hope that things change soon for you and that someone hears you and is able to help - even if your child never gets a diagnosis you and he still deserve help.
Thank you so much for sharing, and I send you love and strength.
Thank you for sharing your struggle and for giving so many of us clarity on the unknown struggles of mental illnesses!
Thank you for your eloquent, compelling and urgent message. Thank you also for your courage and thoughtfulness in raising your children. What you are saying is so right and we need to heed it. I do think you have a lot of people's attention. Thank you.
Thank you for being so very open about your son, his condition and your experiences. I see too many parents that will not even acknowledge there is a problem. It seems they want to hide it in fear of what "others" will think. These children get to adulthood without any help. I pray we find a way to help our children and adults with mental illnesses. My prayers are with you and your son!
Thank you for your courageous and honest post. I'd like your permission to quote from it, and from some of the comments, in an article I'm writing. I can be reached at jerribell27@gmail.com, and would be happy to share information about my project. Keeping you and your family in thoughts and prayers.
I don't know the answers, but in the past several years my husband and I have learned the wide variety of issues that can be caused by food sensitivities--both physical and mental. When the body identifies a food protein as an enemy, the white blood cells attack it and the end result varies from person to person. Allergies, eczema, diabetes, arthritis, ADHD, schizophrenia...all can result, depending on the individual. I suggest you have your son tested for food sensitivities. The ELISA test, though pricey, tests for a large number of foods. If you can identify and avoid offending foods for a period of time, his body may have a chance to heal, and you may find that he functions much better than he has in a long time, even with less medication.
God bless all of you, and help you find the answers.
I just had a similar conversation in my kitchen about an hour ago with my son and his fiancée. My son was given the opportunity for a long term commitment to a psch ward and I believe and so does he, that was his salvation. His meds were adjusted and he got used to taking them. Long story short, the mentally ill are abused in this society. I realize laws were changed because they were abused in a totally different way before but now the abuse is laws don't allow them to be hospitalized long enough if we can have them hospitalized at all.
@ Skookum John said: "In the 1970s, Ronald Reagan pioneered the closing of mental hospitals in California."
This is a filthy lie.
Deinstitutionalization was a liberal initiative that began before Reagan ever took office. Reagan, like Kennedy, made the mistake of listening to the bearded-weirdo left-wing psychologists who gave us the Community Mental Heath Act of 1963. ""
Yes sir. Could not have said it better!
Thank you for having the courage to tell your story!
Hi, your writting put me in tears..this topic is so true and important. As a foreigner -Chile- I've always wonder why this things happend in the USA, and now you're giving me lots of answers..the countries need to develop with the people they have, that makes them special and looking to the other side is not a solution...this kids are human beings.
Im still shocked about how human race have become so autodestructive, selfish and unstable. There's Illness, there's lack of control, there is a lot of 'love' missing.
And in adition to that..seems to me that the 'global conection' is becoming into the 'right of the own justice'. Everyone is free to judge and take actions...aparently cause it is more exciting and self indulgent than just 'think first'and make a difference in others people life.
Big Hugs.! Hope this call gets attended, and you can recieve the help you need. best wishes and kisses to you and your kids.
Hi, your writting put me in tears..this topic is so true and important. As a foreigner -Chile- I've always wonder why this things happend in the USA, and now you're giving me lots of answers..the countries need to develop with the people they have, that makes them special and looking to the other side is not a solution...this kids are human beings.
Im still shocked about how human race have become so autodestructive, selfish and unstable. There's Illness, there's lack of control, there is a lot of 'love' missing.
And in adition to that..seems to me that the 'global conection' is becoming into the 'right of the own justice'. Everyone is free to judge and take actions...aparently cause it is more exciting and self indulgent than just 'think first'and make a difference in others people life.
Big Hugs.! Hope this call gets attended, and you can recieve the help you need. best wishes and kisses to you and your kids.
Travis Mays, unless you have had this problem to deal with, unless you are a parent, unless you have to make the hard decisions this woman has, please don't comment this negatively. You certainly have a right to your opinion, but when someone is hurting as badly as this lady is, she does not need commendation, even if you are stating your true feelings. Yes I am a mother but I was fortunate enough to have 3 healthy sons that have grown to be fine, strong men. I thank God for that and I am praying for this mom. Soccer Mom, I am praying for you and your family.
Hi...
I never comment on these things but.. I felt compelled to.
I am mentally ill. I suffer from borderline personality disorder, ADD, and asperger's syndrome.
First I want to thank you for writing this and bringing attention to mental illness. I struggle everyday with my mental problems and often feel like I will never find peace no matter how hard I try. But it's my own mother and her loving spirit that continues to push me to at least try and find help.
But I digress...
We need to fix what is broken in the mental health system as well. I have been in and out of psych wards... they treat us like animals. They don't care about you. They only pretend to so they can earn their paychecks. They put you in a holding area that might as well be prison, because that's what it feels like. Sure, you can send us to the mental hospital... but it won't solve anything. They believe in over medicating you and treating you like you're less than human. Whether your problem is minor or severe... you are no longer a person when you're put in there. You're a lower level sub creature. The longer you stay there, the more money they get to use for themselves instead of helping you. They don't provide you with any entertainment or anything to help you pass the time. They don't listen to you, because "you don't know what you're talking about". Everyone is treated the same instead of for their own individual problems. It's a terrifying experience in there and it's BECAUSE it's such a horrible atmosphere that many times, we will "fake" getting better just to get out of there. Because anything is better than staying there.
And what have you accomplished by putting us there? You've only pissed us off even more at the system. So when you release us, we have no faith in the system. We have no faith that we can be helped. And that's why many of us keep being put back in there. Because no one is taking the time to find WHY we have these problems and how to address them properly. No one takes the TIME to focus on the individual. We're just another statistic.
The one's with mental disorders aren't to blame for these tragedies. It's this lazy country that would rather throw away their resources and frivolously spend money on things that don't matter instead of taking the time to do some research and help people just because it would take a little extra time to have to think outside the box. That is the true core of the problem. The mentally ill cannot help that they are mentally ill. They didn't have a choice in the matter.
This country however, has always had a choice. This country is supposedly all about choices. People need to treat the core.. the root of the problem. Not just patch up the cracks here and there. Because those cracks are going to get bigger and bigger and soon they will be irreparable.
The sooner this country stops being divided and uses their brain, the sooner tragedies like this can be prevented.
No one will ever understand what people like me have to go through and deal with day in day out mentally. How many times we have to fake being "normal" and be strong. Anyone without these debilitating disorders should consider themselves lucky and be thankful they were blessed with "normalcy". Stop taking it for granted. I would give up everything I had... all my appendages.. just to be normal like the rest of you. Which is counter-intuitive as it is. You don't know how lucky you have it.
Just my two cents as someone who has experienced this from the inside.
I risked child abandonment charges to put a child like this in state custody. I love him just as much as any of my children, and I had come to know with absolute certainty that he would kill me one day. It is so sad, but parents are given no choices and nowhere near enough help.
Profound, candid, extremely helpful. Thank you for sharing your story, may the conversation and engagement begin now.I am sharing this everywhere.
How stressful - and even horrifying -this must be for you. In the 1960's, when we started emptying our mental hospitals, there was a promise to build community mental health centers. We still have not lived up to that promise. As information for your fight, here is some testimony from Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan in the late 1990's: http://mentalillnesspolicy.org/media/eft/deinstitutionalization-deadly-moynihan-torrey.html
Congratulations on creating a preparedness plan and on carrying through with Michael when you say you will. Peace.
This may sound strange, but did you ever try a gluten free diet? My daughter was diagnosed with ODD, and this really dramatically helped her. Also check out the GAPS diet.
Have any of the professionals he's seen ever suggested looking in to the possibility of Borderline Personality Disorder? It's very rarely diagnosed and not well understood. There are treatments though.
I wasn't violent like that but Dialectical Behavior Therapy helped me a lot with emotional instability, poor interpersonal skills and poor coping mechanisms. It is based on CBT and meditation and was developed for treating Borderline Personality.
You, your family, and the others like you will be in my prayers. I don't know if you'll ever read this among all the other replies you've received, but you have my love and support, and more importantly you have the love and support of our Father in Heaven. "Be strong and of good courage, be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the Lord thy God is with the, withersoever thou goest" -Joshua 1: 9
Here is an idea: Please post a synopsis of all of the suggestions and information from all of the comments that offered help. Bloggers are trying to help, but apparently no one is listening. No one who needs help is reading down in the comments section. The reason I know this is because no one has emailed me to acquire the Alternative Medical Protocol that cures paranoid schizophrenia and other mental disease, in addition to osteo-arthritis. My email is anngcm1@gmail.com.
Liza - thank you so much for writing this. In the wake of Friday's awful tragedy, I've been thinking the same thing. It's mental health that needs addressing in the US more than anything. I'm from the UK, where our system is not perfect, but it is far better. My mother worked for a mental health trust some years ago as the head of communications -- her role was to try to get the stigma and ignorance surrounding mental health to be better accepted by the community. That was an up hill struggle, but it pales compared to the travesty that is the US system. Please, if you know of any campaign or charity that I can join to help push this issue, let me know. I now live in the US and I'll be damned if this torrid state of affairs is what I bring children up in.
I have been where you are as my brother had this sort of reaction whenever my parents disciplined him in jr high/high school, only it was never blamed on any disorder. It was just the "way he is" and I was told not to tell anyone and not to make a big deal out of it. I totally understand your problems and I wish there were more answers now than there were then. He did get arrested a few times and my parents always bailed him out. He turned into a good husband and father, but continued to have real self-medicating issues throughout his life. At the age of 44, he decided he could no longer cope with his personality and substance issues and overdosed several times after being in a rehab unit repeatedly. He died of kidney and liver failure on the Saturday before Easter in 2004. I hope that there will be better treatment facilities coming out of this and the other episodes surrounding our children soon. Hold on to your children - all of them - as they all need you and your courage as you try and face the reality of raising your boy.
You are heroic every day, and it comes through loud and clear that you love your son. All I can think when I read this is, "There but for the grace of God go I." Our son was exhibiting this type of behavior when he was three. Thankfully he was diagnosed properly with Sensory Integration Disorder and a visual processing problem. Occupational, physical and vision therapy changed his trajectory. I cannot imagine your daily life, but am praying for you and your family. There is always hope.
Dear Liza, I have not read through all the comments on this page, so I don't know if this has been brought up as up yet. But I am going to restate it if it has.
There is a 95% chance that your son is experiencing the effects of hormonal imbalances and/or neurochemcial deficiencies. Plus he also probably has G.I. Tract abnormalities and/or systemic inflamation due to infections. Hormonal imbalances alone can cause anything from mild mood swings to violent behavior. Neurochemical deficiencies can cause everything from mood swings (depression/bipolar/schizphrenia) to addictions to memory and thinking abilities, add/adhd, migraines, fibromyalgia to violent or suicidal thoughts and actions and more. GI Tract issues and infections also manifest many of these so called "mental health" issues.
Don't believe me? Get a hold of a man named Tony Stephen and hear his story. He lost his first wife to suicide after suffering for years with Bipolar. Her father, by the way had also committed suicide. 2 of his 8 kids where also diagnosed with Bipolar. His son and daughter started exhibiting signs at age 13. (Interesting huh?) His son became out of control, homicidal and suicidal as well. His daughter, much the same. They both had been on every medication that was available at the time. He thought it was HOPELESS. He would lose them to an institution or suicide.
To make a long story short, he began to research nutritional intervention. And basically since he was desperate and he thought he had tried everything, he had nothing to lose. With the help of a friend, he started his son on a cocktail of nutritional supplementation. (Basic but vital vitamin, minerals, amino acids He responded to it immediately. Eventually he was able to get his daughter on it too. She has fully recovered fully as well.
That was 17 years ago. And they remain happy and health to this day.
Think this is some fluke, some hoax, some snake oil? Think again. Mr. Stephans and others have spent 25 Million dollars having their theory and protocol tested and validated by the medical and scientific communities. They are published as well. Also, over the past 17 years they have helped over 80,000 people regain their lives. And dare I say saved the lives of thousands of others. I know because I am ONE of them!
I highly encourage you to at least watch Tony's story. There is 5 part series they have posted on their website done actually several years ago by the Discovery Health Channel. You will find it half way done on the right hand side of the page. Plus his website has all the other vital information, studies, data a more. http://www.truehope.com/press_coverage.aspx
If you truly DO NOT want to see your son in jail or in a mental hospital, then I believe WITH MY WHOLE heart you will find HOPE through the brilliantly simple, NON toxic approach of neurochemical therapy.
You HAVE NOTHING to lose.
God Bless You. Do not give up hope. AND whatever you do, do not listen to the hateful, ignorant comments of so many that do not understand brain/body chemistry. It's sad to say that many professionals don't even understand it.
Anyway, I pray that you will look into it! It was definitely an answer to prayer for me. I hope you will find YOUR answer in it as well. I BELIEVE YOU WILL!!!!
Thank you for relating your heart breaking, personal story. I am surprised that none of the responses that I have read mention the surprising fact that the mother in Connecticut chose to collect guns and have them in the house with her troubled son.
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