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| Michael holding a butterfly |
Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.
“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly
belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.
“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code
says black or khaki pants only.”
“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a
stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have
rights!”
“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone
affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re
grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I
will take you to school.”
I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he
terrifies me.
A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to
kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books.
His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and
locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael,
then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single
Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to
scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.
That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a
paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the
local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael
calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for
Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.
We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism
spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have
all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social
workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a
slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of
behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.
At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an
accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off
the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects
ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and
Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when
he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.
Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began
exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to
transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained
school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can
access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through
Friday until they turn 18.
The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to
argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem
remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look,
Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”
“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this
morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”
His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated
rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this
car right now and kill myself.”
That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he
ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital,
no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the
opposite lane, turning left instead of right.
“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where
are we going?”
“You know where we are going,” I replied.
“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re
sending me straight to hell!”
I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving
for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the
police,” I said. “Hurry.”
Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and
hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several
times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than
he is, but I won’t be for much longer.
The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and
kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled
my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—“Were there any difficulties with....at
what age did your child....were there any problems with...has your child ever
experienced...does your child have....”
At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a
position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you
have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No
individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.
For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the
whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to
check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon
as I get out of here.”
By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies
and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t
believe them anymore.
On the intake form, under the question, “What are your
expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”
And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my
own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for
grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.
I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I
am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am
Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their
mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy
to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.
According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders
involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. (http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map).
Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother
Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did).
But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many
people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.
When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he
said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If
he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the
only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to
you unless you’ve got charges.”
I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic
environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t
deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is
using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to
Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons
quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate
mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated
population. (http://www.hrw.org/news/2006/09/05/us-number-mentally-ill-prisons-quadrupled)
With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered,
prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County
Jail, and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment
centers in 2011 (http://www.npr.org/2011/09/04/140167676/nations-jails-struggle-with-mentally-ill-prisoners)
No one wants to send
a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection
to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken
healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another
tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten
classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”
I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a
meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way
our nation can ever truly heal.
God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
This story was first published online by the Blue Review. Read more on current events at www.thebluereview.org
3,760 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 2401 – 2600 of 3760 Newer› Newest»I don't know if you have heard about Dr. Ann Blake Tracy, she is the founder of International Coalition of Drug Awareness. & is an advocate of alternative to giving drugs to our children with emotional imbalance.
You can read more about her work here http://ecommerce.drugawareness.org/home.html
& watch her video here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uC1ef86Lek
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolutionary-psychiatry/201104/your-brain-ketones
Just an idea... it could not hurt to try. If you are willing to start with an antipsychotic, why not be willing to radically adjust diet and see if it helps.
My son is: Bipolar, ADHD, ODD, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Emotional Distress Disorder, Severe recurrent depression with suicidal ideation and tendencies with several attempts, and despite everything already listed, nonspecified mood disorder. He has never threatened me with a weapon but I remember going through the same things you are now. I locked medicine cabinets, hid any sharp objects, wouldn't let him home alone, locked our bedroom door with a regular lock and padlock to keep him out of it. My husband would wake up some nights to find him standing at the bottom of our bed just starring in at us. I don't think to harm us but to see if he could sneak something he wasn't supposed to have...making sure we were asleep first (He also had a porn addiction where he would rent movies and make calls to porn numbers costing us tons of money). He was physically aggressive for a while causing me to place him for 8 months because he was attacking me, fighting in school and kicked the entire side of my car in. The placement actually helped a lot with his anger management. He hasn't done any of that since. Problem is that the placements and programs that would help him with his emotional problems and his outbursts and helping him learn responsibility are off limits to him. He isn't "bad" enough. He hasn't committed enough crimes to be considered for them and they have to be paid for by the county and Value Behavioral Health and they won't pay for someone who had just a few disorderly conduct charges. Not big enough. Shouldn't they start looking at who they can help before it gets to that point? To the point where that child/person or someone else around them gets hurt or worse? My son called me last night about work. He got in trouble and was angry over it and was verbally inappropriate in the way he was handling it. That still scares me and I, like you, wonder what if. I've voiced these concerns over the years to many professionals who agreed with me and recommended group homes and the types of placements I felt could have helped him to have Value Behavioral Health and the county say no, he can't go there, we're not paying for it despite now 5 recommendations over 2 years for placement. Now he's 19 (as of today) and there's nothing I can do. How do they expect these kids to get help if they are denying the very help that is being recommended by the professionals who are seeing them? What else do they want us a parents to do? I have been fighting this battle since my son was 12 years old and shame on our system for turning these kids away instead of doing something while they can. Shame on them for spending money giving welfare to alcoholics and drug addicts instead of paying for a program that is worth while to help those who need it most. I love my son and worry every day about him, those around him if he acts impulsively, and my family. I hate that no one is willing to help these kids and they fall through the cracks every day. My son is slowly learning and doing better but there is still a long way to go. A journey that would be so much easier with a little help from the people that were needed so much and that are now not available to him because he is over the age limit set by the people that have never had to deal with this...the same ones that denied him help while he was still young enough to get it.
I somewhat understand the horror you're living in. I am the sister to a different Michael. I had a safety plan to lock myself into my room, though we never called it that. I know that your focus is, and needs to be, on Michael, but take a moment to make sure that your other two children are in therapy too (if you haven't). I still bear emotional scars from being scared of my brother.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Most people have no clue what it's like to live with mental illness, and to try desperately to get help for your children. It is a very lonely, dark journey. You spoke so eloquently for all of us!
Kennedy Krieger institute in Baltimore, MD. If they can't help you, no one can.
It's very brave that you give faces and names for this problem and this discussion must go on. But please consider once more as your children may survive from hard times and need to start living on their own. You know you cannot remove anything from internet completely and they may be badly rejected sometimes in the future because somebody finds this piece of information. Larry
My son is: Bipolar, ADHD, ODD, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Emotional Distress Disorder, Severe recurrent depression with suicidal ideation and tendencies with several attempts, and despite everything already listed, nonspecified mood disorder. He has never threatened me with a weapon but I remember going through the same things you are now. I locked medicine cabinets, hid any sharp objects, wouldn't let him home alone, locked our bedroom door with a regular lock and padlock to keep him out of it. My husband would wake up some nights to find him standing at the bottom of our bed just starring in at us. I don't think to harm us but to see if he could sneak something he wasn't supposed to have...making sure we were asleep first (He also had a porn addiction where he would rent movies and make calls to porn numbers costing us tons of money). He was physically aggressive for a while causing me to place him for 8 months because he was attacking me, fighting in school and kicked the entire side of my car in. The placement actually helped a lot with his anger management. He hasn't done any of that since. Problem is that the placements and programs that would help him with his emotional problems and his outbursts and helping him learn responsibility are off limits to him. He isn't "bad" enough. He hasn't committed enough crimes to be considered for them and they have to be paid for by the county and Value Behavioral Health and they won't pay for someone who had just a few disorderly conduct charges. Not big enough. Shouldn't they start looking at who they can help before it gets to that point? To the point where that child/person or someone else around them gets hurt or worse? My son called me last night about work. He got in trouble and was angry over it and was verbally inappropriate in the way he was handling it. That still scares me and I, like you, wonder what if. I've voiced these concerns over the years to many professionals who agreed with me and recommended group homes and the types of placements I felt could have helped him to have Value Behavioral Health and the county say no, he can't go there, we're not paying for it despite now 5 recommendations over 2 years for placement. Now he's 19 (as of today) and there's nothing I can do. How do they expect these kids to get help if they are denying the very help that is being recommended by the professionals who are seeing them? What else do they want us a parents to do? I have been fighting this battle since my son was 12 years old and shame on our system for turning these kids away instead of doing something while they can. Shame on them for spending money giving welfare to alcoholics and drug addicts instead of paying for a program that is worth while to help those who need it most. I love my son and worry every day about him, those around him if he acts impulsively, and my family. I hate that no one is willing to help these kids and they fall through the cracks every day. My son is slowly learning and doing better but there is still a long way to go. A journey that would be so much easier with a little help from the people that were needed so much and that are now not available to him because he is over the age limit set by the people that have never had to deal with this...the same ones that denied him help while he was still young enough to get it.
My son is: Bipolar, ADHD, ODD, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Emotional Distress Disorder, Severe recurrent depression with suicidal ideation and tendencies with several attempts, and despite everything already listed, nonspecified mood disorder. He has never threatened me with a weapon but I remember going through the same things you are now. I locked medicine cabinets, hid any sharp objects, wouldn't let him home alone, locked our bedroom door with a regular lock and padlock to keep him out of it. My husband would wake up some nights to find him standing at the bottom of our bed just starring in at us. I don't think to harm us but to see if he could sneak something he wasn't supposed to have...making sure we were asleep first (He also had a porn addiction where he would rent movies and make calls to porn numbers costing us tons of money). He was physically aggressive for a while causing me to place him for 8 months because he was attacking me, fighting in school and kicked the entire side of my car in. The placement actually helped a lot with his anger management. He hasn't done any of that since. Problem is that the placements and programs that would help him with his emotional problems and his outbursts and helping him learn responsibility are off limits to him. He isn't "bad" enough. He hasn't committed enough crimes to be considered for them and they have to be paid for by the county and Value Behavioral Health and they won't pay for someone who had just a few disorderly conduct charges. Not big enough. Shouldn't they start looking at who they can help before it gets to that point? To the point where that child/person or someone else around them gets hurt or worse? My son called me last night about work. He got in trouble and was angry over it and was verbally inappropriate in the way he was handling it. That still scares me and I, like you, wonder what if. I've voiced these concerns over the years to many professionals who agreed with me and recommended group homes and the types of placements I felt could have helped him to have Value Behavioral Health and the county say no, he can't go there, we're not paying for it despite now 5 recommendations over 2 years for placement. Now he's 19 (as of today) and there's nothing I can do. How do they expect these kids to get help if they are denying the very help that is being recommended by the professionals who are seeing them? What else do they want us a parents to do? I have been fighting this battle since my son was 12 years old and shame on our system for turning these kids away instead of doing something while they can. Shame on them for spending money giving welfare to alcoholics and drug addicts instead of paying for a program that is worth while to help those who need it most. I love my son and worry every day about him, those around him if he acts impulsively, and my family. I hate that no one is willing to help these kids and they fall through the cracks every day. My son is slowly learning and doing better but there is still a long way to go. A journey that would be so much easier with a little help from the people that were needed so much and that are now not available to him because he is over the age limit set by the people that have never had to deal with this...the same ones that denied him help while he was still young enough to get it.
Very powerful. Heart-wrenching. I admire your strength and believe you very much deserve help with your son.
You might consider dedicating your blog to this topic because there is obviously such a need for a voice like yours (honest, clear, fair) on the topic that no one else seems to talk about.
Your blog posting has stimulated some excellent discussion. I hope that there are some influential people that are impacted by this discussion. The options for mental health in cases like your son's are few and none good. It's like the mental health community has thrown in the towel. Time for some new thinking in this area. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I have an understanding of what you're dealing with. My ex has rage issues, many of which are also present in my son. I have removed his biological father from his life totally, and he all too willingly signed off his parental rights.
I have, by trial and error, by learning about health and wellness, discovered that there are MANY environmental factors that trigger my son's anger. The first one I found was a gluten sensitivity. He can have some gluten, very little without having an anger issue. Another is making sure he eats often enough. What he eats matters - if we start the day with a grain base, we're in for it all day. My son needs a good veggie and protein base to start the day. I cannot express just how important this is for him!
Luckily we're not dealing with rage as you are, or as I did with his biological father. Had I not made some of these connections though, it's very likely that I would be doing very similar things that you've done.
It is heart wrenching to see your child so out of control, and there's nothing you can do in the moment to soothe them, to bring them back to the sweet, wonderful child you know so well.
I ask you to seek help outside the modern medical community. If all they have to offer is psychotropics and jail it's time for another route. There's no promises that it will solve all the problems, but if they can be minimized to where you and your family can live a relatively normal life, it is soooo worth it!
If you have not yet done so, seek someone in the integrative medical or natural medical profession. Your son may be lacking particular nutrients (this is not a judgement!) he could be using more than he's getting - sounds like he has A LOT of brain power going on which uses a lot of nutrients. This is something that a regular MD would not be aware of on the scale your son needs. MDs aren't taught about nutrition.
Secondly if you've not done so already, take him to Occupational Therapy. Also a psychologist - not psychiatrist. Great places for nutrition and health information are: www.mercola.com and www.naturalnews.com
I realize you don't know me, and I apologize should this comment come across as judgemental in any way - that is not the intention. The goal here is to share what I've found for my own son that may be beneficial to you and your family as well. It took me 5 years of research to get where we're at now - and not a bit of it flies in the conventional medical realm. They think I'm crazy. I know in my heart, and experience every single day that what I'm doing for my son is the right thing. It shows in the peace we have in our home. May your home become peaceful as well - always in the highest and best way possible.
As mother of a boy with similar intelligence and attitude, i know how it feels. My boy has had spectacular improvement with kinesiotherapy. Never on medication. I think "Michael" would be heartbroken to read that mom felt like Adam Lanza's mom...
Best wishes to all the family
Thank you for your insightful perspective. I am convinced that this may help:
http://brainworksmindmapping.com/
I do not work for this company, but a friend does. Speaking with her this weekend has been eye-opening and very hopeful. The stories she tells of lives forever changed are amazing . . . the site markets to academics, but the results have shown that the program they use helps with all facets of life.
God bless you, and all of us, to find help for our suffering children.
OMG this is my son who is now 12. He's been in numerous treatments. He is always sorry for his threats too but when he doesn't get his was he gets violent. He's attacked me several times and has had charges. He's now in another treatment facility ordered by the court. But when he's home I call the police and seems there's nothing they can do but try to calm him down. When the police leave its on again. Im not the only one he's hurt. He's attacked his therapist too. When he's angry watch out because whoever is around is gonna get it. He has lots of diagnosis and has been on many medications. I love my son with all my heart. And he loves me but im the first one he hurts. He's threatened to kill me too. I will do anything I can to get him help but I will always live in fear of my own son. Its a life that I wouldn't wish on anybody. We need more help for our children with mental illness. God bless you and all us that go through this. We feel so helpless.
OMG this is my son who is now 12. He's been in numerous treatments. He is always sorry for his threats too but when he doesn't get his was he gets violent. He's attacked me several times and has had charges. He's now in another treatment facility ordered by the court. But when he's home I call the police and seems there's nothing they can do but try to calm him down. When the police leave its on again. Im not the only one he's hurt. He's attacked his therapist too. When he's angry watch out because whoever is around is gonna get it. He has lots of diagnosis and has been on many medications. I love my son with all my heart. And he loves me but im the first one he hurts. He's threatened to kill me too. I will do anything I can to get him help but I will always live in fear of my own son. Its a life that I wouldn't wish on anybody. We need more help for our children with mental illness. God bless you and all us that go through this. We feel so helpless.
Today, I am picking up my 49 year old son from the psychiatric ward at the local hospital. Thankfully, he recognized that he was in trouble (feeling paranoid and suicidal) and admitted himself. This has been going on for years. There were times when I would have nothing to do with him because he would not take his meds. He has been in jail several times when he really belonged in the hospital. Today, he goes to a fabulous day program and takes his meds religiously. We are very close and I make sure he is included in all of family affairs. He has made miraculous progress and I am very, very proud of him. It has taken years for him to get the to point he has reached.
I feel for all the families who have lost loved ones to a deranged killer. However, even when family members recognize that someone is not behaving right, there is absolutely nothing one can do unless the person is considered homicidal or suicidal. Any behavior in between must be accepted which makes it very difficult to do anything even if you want to.
I advocate for better gun control but also the issue of mental health MUST be addressed because incidents like this are becoming more and more frequent.
Thank you for letting me share.
Your article touched such a chord with me. When my oldest child was in his mid teens I had many of the same experiences - including the emergency plan for the younger children to barricade themselves in their rooms and call 911 if he finally snapped. We tried therapist after therapist without significant results. He was diagnosed ADHD, EH, ODD etc, etc while being very bright. Medications never helped. I was also told he had to be in the criminal justice system. He finally got there and guess what? It did nothing for him either. He has finally grown out of many of the rages he used to have now (he is an adult) but because of his youthful crimes his job prospects are dim and he still has trouble functioning as a "normal" adult sometimes. I pray that people listen to you and recognize that our society is failing these kids and their families. Gun control isn't the answer - as Liza pointed out she carried the kitchen knives with her (that used to be my biggest fear). Recognizing the need and getting the help for these kids and families...that is THE place to start!
May your God bless and help you and all of your family.
Eric Sheppard
ADHD shouldn't be on the list of possibilities. It accomanies more intense disorders, but to compare it to them puts those with ADHD is a completely wrong catagory.
"Thank you" is not nearly enough. Last year, out of fear for my son's health and welfare, I started writing a blog to let my friends and family know how much I love my son...even though from the outside, people could see our world was crumbling.
Today, I am grateful for that blog because it helped me get the attention from doctors, his teachers, his friends, my friends, and extended family members who didn't quite understand.
This has led to a string of tiny, tiny victories for us - his sobriety (in the last few weeks), him taking his medication (in the last few weeks), he is passing most of his classes right now, he has a new group of nice friends who actually come over to our house, and he smiles while he talks with us.
Now, after being so open about our day to day lives, we have the support from family, friends, teachers, great doctors, a wonderful therapist, and even an amazing group of police officers, who seem to each lift me up on a daily basis when it comes to being the mom I need to be here, in my house.
My community has helped me find a little bit of hope that for so long, I just didn't have.
I can't say that my tough days are just like yours, but there is a definite feeling of camaraderie I feel with you this morning.
Keep sharing because through my blogging, I learned all about the power of "it takes a village." I hope you find more good days than bad days. Pray a lot, keep talking to people, don't hide your pain - but keep your head up. Keep loving and hugging, don't give up. You are a great mom - and all your kids need you to keep on, keepin' on. You can do this.
You are in my prayers,
Jennifer Schafer
majormomma.com
881I am very concerned with the direction this country has taken in regards to solving our problems. Aside from how the mentally ill are treated, the privatized prisons are culturally designed to inspire mental illness in those that are relatively healthy. Thank you for writing this and for your courage and love to protect your son. I am praying for you both. God bless you!
Wow. What a powerful story. My heart just sank when I read your story. That must be a horrible feeling living in fear all the time of your own child. I can't imagine day to day never knowing whether you're gonna be in danger that day or not. My prayers go out to you and your son. I wish you the best.
It is so ready to blame guns, much harder to face our nations dismal mental health system. Here less the true issue, how quickly we forget that in Oklahoma city many more were killed without a single shot fired. Take guns out of the equation as there are still ways to kill dozens off people, some of them far worse if they are the only recourse we leave to the mentally disturbed. No, wet must address why these people are doing this and how we can help them before these tragedies happen but I fear we are too cowardly as a nation for that. It is far easier to attack the in an inanimate object we fear, that does not require an introspective of our failings, because the gun did it.
The tragedy in Sandy Hook is most disturbing. So is this article. It really hits home for me in very painful ways. My 18 year old son took his own life in September of 2011. I am eternally grateful he did not harm anyone else when he ended his tormented life. Mental illness is real. The effects are tragic. I, too, am Adam Lanza's mother. Thank you for writing this. (see www.facebook.com/DonKyleRIP if you want more info on my son)
Your story is why we must address the problem of violence in this country from all angles. We must remove the stigma around mental illness and asking for help, we must provide free mental healthcare services for all so that no one without health insurance can be turned away (jail is not an alternative to mental healthcare), we must further limit the access to guns and other weapons so that an unstable child or person finds it as difficult as possible to hurt themselves and others, then we must look at our culture at large. How does our culture promote violence as the answer to our problems? We see it everywhere, in our movies, in our TV shows and in our video games and music. It's all over the internet free for anyone to see. We can talk about ratings and parental guidance but we can't control every single outlet in a child's life or depend on people to do the right thing. I'm sorry, but it's true. My child may not be allowed to watch violent programs but I can't do anything about my neighbor who allows her child to watch anything he wants. And I can't stop him from one day committing the same atrocity as the one in Newtown. Finally we must look at how despite social media we are more isolated from one another than ever before. We no longer have a sense of community. We no longer talk to our neighbors and in fact many times have no idea who are neighbors are. We go to work and we come home and close the front door. We stay inside our own bubbles and don't get involved in the community around us. We either don't want to get involved or we're afraid of "being nosy" or intruding in others' lives.
I am completely fed up with people looking for rationalization about these terrible events immediately jumping to mental illness as an excuse. Most people with mental illness do not kill and many killers don't have mental illness. I think jumping to these conclusions help people feel better about themselves and makes it easier for them to rationalize not doing anything. "Oh well, that's just the way it is." they think.
Your story points out that when you do have a child with mental illness it's not as easy to deal with as most people would like to believe. They think that they know what they would do if they were in that situation. They think they would know better and do better. The fact is almost everyone one of us in this country has someone in their family that they know is having problems, that may be suffering a bit mentally and may be a bit unstable in their life. Maybe it's drugs, maybe they can't keep a job or they've lost their job, maybe their husband or wife just left them but all of us have someone we know that is struggling. Everyone should ask themselves if they are doing enough? Are they reaching out enough? Ask yourself, is there someone in my life that I am ignoring either because I think there is nothing I can do to help or the person will not accept my help? I bet there is! So I get really perturbed by people who think the answer to this event is very simple and they would have done differently if this boy was their family member.
My hope is that you are able to find peace and the help you need and poor Michael gets the help he so desperately needs.
ugh, this woman really does not understand her son. she's clueless. and everything she is doing to her son to "help" him with extreme dosing of pharmaceutical products, sending him away to mental institutions, and increasing his discipline, will have every opposite effect than what she intends.
If this kid is so intelligent then he obviously would be stifled by a strict environment, since he's probably really creative and has his own ideas about things. All the other things he's doing are probably just a kid acting out against someone who he feels doesn't really love him.
When you send a child to a mental health institution instead of dealing with them personally, it's alienating. When you "hide" all the sharp objects in the house from him, you're making a show that he's incompetent to be around sharp objects. Do you really think that putting knives away will keep him from figuring out how to hurt himself or others? When you medicate a child, often you dose them with the stigma that mental illness carries, and make them feel less mentally capable, which is particularly damaging for an intelligent child whose only point of self esteem he's allowed to feel is his level of intelligence. This mother seems not to be able to understand her son at all, so in the face of that, she abandons the care of him to strangers and sends him away, which from the child's persective is extremely hurtful. If my mother did that to me, I would hate her. And my mother DID do very similar things to me, while telling me all the time that I was a failure in life because of my grades in school and threatening to ruin my life with the stigma of a public record of my mental illness.
She made me seem like less of a person, not able to make decisions for myself. Being a gifted child, this is extremely degrading. I learned that no matter what I did, nothing would ever be good enough for her, so why even try anymore? Meanwhile, she did similar things like TRY to keep me from computers, which not only didn't work, but was counter productive since it was a great passion of mine. I could have been learning lo many things at a young age and she kept me from this. Later in my young adulthood, when my depression had become particularly bad after surviving a rape at college, she told me to kill myself on multiple occasions. One night years ago, she walked in on me in the middle of a suicide attempt, minutes after she had told me to kill myself. As I held a gun in my mouth, HER gun, she spat at me and told me I didn't have the balls to do it. Soul-crushingly, she was right. To this day, my mother has said the words "I'm sorry" to me only one time in her life.
Maybe there is more than one side to this story. For me, I had to face terrible domestic violence and verbal abuse at home. My parents fought constantly and my family was on the verge of ripping apart every week. I had to call the police on my parents because they were beating the shit out of each other. I had to hold my mother's hair while she vomitted after getting completely drunk. Meanwhile, my dad watched TV in another room.
But some parents just don't get it. They just don't understand their child. They don't want to believe that they could possibly be wrong, or that their own behavior could be to blame. They think pills are the answer. They think more discipline is the answer. Because deep down, they just want desperately to prove that their child is wrong and doesn't have control, and that they are right and have complete control. They want to prove to themselves that they aren't to blame for the child's behavior. I will never, ever forgive my mother for the terrible things she has said and done to me in my life, especially when she hasn't learned in all these years how to admit that she's wrong or apologize sincerely. But I try my best to move on and be a good person.
Today, I help others when I can, volunteer, work two jobs, I go to school. I hide the fact that I go to school (which I pay for myself) from my mother so she can't destroy my self esteem about it and sink me into depression, or really, learned helplessness. I go to school for IT and am trying to get a real job in the field of computers, which my mother tried to keep me from as a punishment as a child, when she should have encouraged my interest so it could flower in my youth. It truly is one of my greatest talents. This semester, every single grade, on every single assignment, I made an A.
It took a long time for me to realize in adulthood that I should have never listened to anything my mother ever said about me. And that, all the bad things my parents told me about myself were really not true about me, but about themselves. It took a long time to build my own self esteem and to make myself realize that my mother was wrong, I am not a monster. I am a VERY good person. SHE is the monster.
This story is extremely sad. This woman already has sent out the signals that her son is going to be a mass murderer. How do you think that makes her son feel? Does she not realize that he will probably think "They think I'm a monster? I will show them how much of a monster I REALLY can be!" This woman is clueless about what she is doing to her son. And she probably thinks SHE is the victim. I find it terrible the tone of histrionic desperation in her writing when she mentioned that she had to give up her freelance career so she could get health insurance, and blames her son and acts like he's a terrible burden. Do you know how terribly hurtful that is? She probably thinks that she is a victim every time she has to do something for her son. I really don't get this attitude. If you have a child, their welfare is YOUR responsibility, they aren't adults like you and can't take care of themselves like you can. This woman SHOULD get health insurance anyway, what is she thinking?! She has a child to take care of! That attitude is COMPLETELY irresponsible. Too bad you can't party, do drugs, get drunk, or a lot of other things either. It is not your child's fault! Everything you ever wanted in life, now comes second to your child. They are your first priority and anything that you want comes second. If you don't understand this as a parent, or can't handle it, you should give your child up for adoption or call social services, because you are unfit for the responsibility of parenthood.
This gifted child in the story needs a relaxed, creative environment, and a means to have some sort of self esteem and have a bit of control of his own environment. He needs greater challenges that cater to his abilities, not to be STIFLED. Obviously the strict school he goes to is not doing him any good. I wish I could tell this kid that he should run away from home, or I wish I could adopt him. If this is what people see as acceptable parenting nowadays, then we ARE lost, terribly, and there will only be MORE alienated, angry, suicidal young men out there in the years to come. If this woman continues treating her child like this, he would be very lucky NOT to turn into a bastard. Anything good this child does in his life, is a great credit to him for doing so in spite of having such a terrible mother.
I am not surprised by the amount of response this article has had. I hope the President has read it. I live in the UK and I have a son who has at times frightened me. In fact my eldest is even worse. Mental illness whatever type it is cannot be ignored any longer. Dr's are being paid to treat these people so they need to take responsibility when it is not going right. Most mental health patients feel like guinea pigs. Trial and error they say. They don't even try to diagnose first most of the time. It isn't good enough!!! We all need to talk about mental health the stigma must be stamped out for good!!!!
I'm so sorry that you go through this!! I can honestly say I am going through the same thing. My son is14 and can change his mood from a sweet angel to this child I swear has split personality!!! He literally scares me sometimes. He has autism/OCD/BiPolar/chronic depression!! Plus probably many other things. He. Is very defiant. A new thing he is doing or well has been doing for a long timeout it is getting worsens he seething either black or white no middle ground! Right now he is so focused on Christmas and what he is getting or NOT getting! He has told us every year we disappoint him because. He hasn't gotten an Xbox. Then after his meltdown he will come apologize say he is so sorry he understands. Then the next day we go through it all again. We thankfully have a wonderful psychologist for him. Who my son will listen to! My son has been in the mental ward for trying to hurt himself. He has tried to hurt us. At the time he is doing it its like he doesn't know what he is doing. After the fact he is apologizing and so sorry. Mental illness needs to be looked at as something that needs attention NOW! Not when he turns 18. Mental illness is not covered by insurance! I would like to say this to the people that are voicing their opinion ion about all this. If you do not live in our shoes everyday then you don't know what you are talking about!!!!
The Mental Health System is so screwed up, there is NO system at all. You have to lie, cheat and do/say whatever possible to get your child treatment. If I wasn't working to pay mental health bills, I was trying to stay below poverty levels to get them paid. I've been working it for years. I've been lucky, my son, who is 31 years old now, hasn't directed any of his 'threats' out side of immediate family members, and as of yet, has never carried out any of them on us. ( Although I believe there is always the possibility) I'm tired - I'm tired of having to make him out to be someone he's not just to get treatment. I'm tired of the 'proffesionals' telling me he's incompitent, yet he has rights as to not making him take his meds. How is he capable of making such an important decision, when he is incompitent? (SMH) I'm tired of political decisions to close long term mental health facilities, and placing the burden on the family to go it alone, I'm tired of the lack of common sense, compassion, lack a daisy, slow moving, lack of interest, uneducated system, I'm just really tired. I'm tired of society blaming him for an illness he never asked for. I'm tired of the shame & stigma. I'm tired of being blamed. I'm tired of not having any answers.
I notice there is no mention of a father in this scenario? I am not going to blame all of your sons problems on you but I am going to go ahead and make the assumption that you have made several VERY bad life decisions that not only do your children pay for but now you expect the rest of us to pay for.
Wow, this sounds a lot like the mornings I have with my 11 year old son. I thought I was the only one. I thought it was because I'm newly single and we've both had a very rough past two years. One minute he's sweet and caring, the next threatening to shoot me with an airsoft gun if he doesn't get his way or telling me I'm only making it worse on myself by punishing him. None of us want this for our children. Where do we begin to get them the help they need? Especially before it gets so bad that something tragic happens?
Also not only do I find it disgusting that you would publicly discuss your son's problems while posting a picture of him if it is not violation of HIPPO for you to publicly discuss his medical condition to satisfy your obviously deep seeded need to be a star it damn well should be.
It is quite possible this boy deliberately put on wrong pants to skip the school. Maybe be the problem is there. I would suggest certain inquiry there that may help to see what is the problem with his increasingly erratic behaviour. Bullying, intimidation, and even drugs - please do not take me wrong, but teenagers at this age often start experimenting with drugs and it happens even in the best schools with best reputation. I would really encourage loving mum to look at this problem in this way. I hope it may help, and best wishes.
Wow this is so sad that we as apeople have let this happen it is a very very long hard fight but this mom lost her fight for herself,her son, and the ones who fell victims to evil and mentel illness
My heart aches for you and Michael. I will keep you in my prayers. Your post sheds a different light on the wake of this tragedy. May God wrap his arms around you and your family and keep you all safe from harm.
Some people have commented to the effect that Liza is exploiting her son by posting this, and especially by posting his photo. I think I can understand the reason behind it. I think she wanted to put a human face to her story, and show her audience the dichotomy of her son's life. She has not shown a photo of him in a screaming rage, but in a beautiful, peaceful moment holding a butterfly. I think she wants to show us that his condition does not define him, and that there is hope for him - (and this is the important bit) - if only he can get the treatment he needs. It's a plea for help.
My son has autism. He's five years old, and will be starting school next year. He is a beautiful boy, gentle and loving, with a joyous smile that almost literally lights up a room. He loves cuddles. But when he is overwhelmed by a situation and can't communicate his distress (and being overwhelmed can include anything from the tiniest change in routine that he's not adequately prepared for to an overload of sensory stimuli), he can lash out. He will push his toddler sister over if she picks up his favourite toy. Or will leap up to hit my glasses from my face. Or try to run onto the road, or lie down in the middle of it in full, flailing meltdown. He doesn't understand the consequences of his actions, or how to control them, and is devastated when his sister cries, or when he hurts me. Full meltdowns end with him lying curled in a ball, sobbing his eyes out. I can only imagine how hard it must be for him to live within the complexity of his own brain. Usually, with gentle redirection, we can help him to calm down before it reaches crisis point. Time helps. Showing him other ways to express his emotion in other, less damaging ways is slowly helping. He is quite bright, but has limited verbal communication and is heavily echolalic. As his speech repertoire expands, he's able to use words rather than actions to express himself in familiar situations. But unfortunately, as his ability to communicate and regulate his emotions increases, so does the complexity of the world he encounters. He will continually be challenged and will face situations that he has no script to handle. Like many people with autism, he has limited impulse control, he doesn't understand danger (whether that danger applies to himself or others), he doesn't understand cause and effect. He also has difficulty with auditory processing, and learns in a different way to other people.
We are fortunate. We live in a country that has comparatively excellent services for people with autism - he was diagnosed before he was three and has been in an excellent early intervention program. The school system, whilst not perfect, supports inclusion whilst embracing the unique differences and talents that people on the autism spectrum have. As parents, we are supported with access to services in the public system. It's not enough. It could be much, much better. There is still not enough understanding of neurodivergence. But it's a lifeline. Our children are not treated punitively when they react in frustration, but instead given support and understanding and hopefully, the tools to function within society. Not to change who he is, not to become 'normal' (whatever the hell that is anyway), but to be able to be happy. On his own terms. ... ctd...
... ctd...
I can imagine the desperation of being in an environment without that support. Where the only foreseeable options are mental hospital or jail. I can imagine only too vividly what it would be like to have my own child threaten me, or himself, or my other child with a weapon. And knowing how bloody difficult it is to remain calm and rational whilst being whacked around the face by a small child, when your child reaches out to touch your glasses because they fascinate him and you automatically flinch because you're used to them being swiped off your face, what it does to your adrenaline system, I can only imagine the intensity of a teenager that is almost as physically strong as I am threatening me with a weapon. It's really easy to say 'x' or 'y' is the best response, but unless you've been in the situation, it's so hard to judge. And we're human. We do our best by our children, but we don't always get it right.
I bet the hardest thing for Liza is that that she loves her son so deeply. And there are few people who would not be frightened by anyone who threatened them with a weapon. It's a simple human response. I would throw myself under a bus to save my son, but I would still be terrified should he come at me with a knife. I would understand that he is not choosing to do it of his own volition, that he is not truly capable of comprehending the meaning of his actions, I would have empathy for the trauma he is experiencing, but I would still be terrified and I cannot say that this would not influence my response. Nobody can know how they would handle such a situation until they've experienced it, and hindsight is a marvellous thing. So perhaps consider this before you judge harshly.
I strongly believe this is a dual issue - firstly of mental health, secondly of gun control. Limiting services to those with neurological conditions and mental illness whilst simultaneously making it very easy to obtain highly powerful weapons is a recipe for disaster.
Thank you for sharing your story. It took courage and humility to admit that your son's issues are too large for your to deal with alone. It is obvious that you love him very much. I appreciate your willingness to share a very personal experience in order to start a conversation about a system that often leaves the parents of children like "Michael" with very few options.
I am moved by your story of Michael as it is one I could have written myself about my own son. He is 11years old. With diagnosed, ADHD, O.D.D., Severe Anxiety/Stress disorder and social anxiety. Much like your son there is this beauty, light, strength, brilliance and magnetism that is a gift to be a part of for even a moment in time, let alone every day. As a mother it makes one wonder, HOW?...How does my most amazing son go from that to someone I fear for, I am afraid of yet know I need to protect? How does he go from an angel to this stranger with what seems like a ravaged soul telling me to fuck off, stepping up to my face, grabbing my wrist and telling me to get out of his face or he is going to hit me?
The line that struck me most in your post about your son was this one..."I am still stronger than he is, for now"....I say this to myself, daily. Wondering how much longer until he actually is stronger than I am, physically.?
We are raising these beautiful, challenged beings to the best of our abilities, yet who is raising us as their parents? Who is teaching us, guiding us in how to parent, love and support them so that they do not go down a path that leads them into a darkness they can not escape?
My heart is with you, with your son and the hope that our boys make it to where we know, in our hearts, they deserve to be. My heart is also with all of those families suffering from the grief that Friday brought to us all.
Blessings to you and yours as you continue your journey....I am here if you ever need an extra shoulder.
~S Young
b_netgirl@hotmail.com
I began having mental issues as a teenager and dealt with bullies. When I skipped school or acted out due to my problems I was always punished. Spent time in detention, was suspended, grounded in my tiny box room prison all alone with mental anguish. Not once was I asked if I was avoiding school for a reason or about my emotional/mental state. My only violence was to myself in various self harm actions. Utter failure from adults. Would like to think it has gotten better from 25 years ago.
>Boston Cab< is cleary a perfect representative of the ignorant , uneducated potion of society, who have no clue that mental health has no prejudice as to who it strikes, rich, poor, black, white, married, divorced. Maybe it's a fear in him/herself of their own insecurities, self esteem, going untreated. I will certainly say a prayer for you.
To all the parents reading this who have children who suffer from a mental illness or emotional disturbance and are at their wit's end...
We, your children, thank you for your patience, love, compassion, and support, and for trying to do the very best for us in a system that seems better designed to deal with a self-inflicted (para- or) suicidal wound than to deal with the illness that caused it, or any illness even remotely similar. The moments you miss, the moments you should cherish-by-proxy, are those sweet moments of lucidity, normalcy, and quiet contemplation that you're not around to see after you've (guiltily, if my family is anyone to judge by, and please don't be) sent your child to the mental ward either because you're out of options or because that's where they truly need to be, where your child confesses to another patient (like me) how desperately they wish they could find a way to express their heartfelt gratitude that you are there to advocate and fight for them. Please know that, regardless of how you may view the doctors (we, too, view some/most/all of them as being heartless and/or in desperate need of vacation/therapy), that the compassion in a ward does not end when visiting hours are over. When your brilliant, handsome son whispers to me (or just about any other patient) that he's an android sent from the future to protect me, his future mother, from harm, then suddenly decides that I'm an imposter and reacts violently before collapsing into a sudden, quiet moment of lucidity shattered by an outpouring of grief and regret, please know that, in the few moments before they're suddenly hauled off and relegated to PICU, that I (we) usually break the rules and give them the comfort and shoulder to cry on that human conscience demands. We go to the ward, willingly or unwillingly, to try to heal ourselves back to socially functional. What usually happens is a compassionate, protective bond between strangers sharing semi-similar hurdles. We see ourselves in each other, and tend to try to help ourselves by supporting each other. When you visit, we see our parents in your faces. Sometimes, I get the chance to speak with you for a few moments and tell you how your child is doing and reaffirm their love for you. Sometimes, I don't. For all the times I haven't, please know that "thank you" is sometimes the hardest sentiment to express and that we, the strangers in the ward, love and cherish you for your dedication to us and your children.
I completely agree with all of what you said. When I was growing up, I was Michael until I was stopped and unfortunately charged with a crime so I could get help (terroristic threats on the computer) because I planned on killing people. My mother certainly had her hands full with me being that I had a sister and a brother. I'm 27 now with a job and a college degree and an expunged record but I've always understood why these tragedies occur and but not why the media makes them celebrities by making them obscure. They need to call it like it is, parents need help and there isn't much you can do with a child who has a mental illness. It wasn't until after I was arrested and my parents found out I tried to commit suicide that they knew how extreme my problems were with my bipolar disorder and got me the best thing that every happened to me... a great therapist who really seemed to care about my medical needs. Anyway, I showed this to my mom and she completely relates and I completely understand. Thanks for such a great, timely post and I hope you get more of a public forum to say whatever you need to say.
This is bullshit. You are comparing your son to a mass murderer before he's done anything. Are you divorced? The feeling that will manifest in his mind as he matures will always be 'my mother and/or father doesn't love me. Especially after e sees this. I could not disagree more with this horribly misguided description of the possible causes of mass murders in your god-forsaken excuse for a country. Prison the last refuge? What about the billions of dollars of mind altering drugs you mentioned? The problem is a deep rooted cultural problem in the United States. You have what appears to be the most basic, basic understanding of human needs and motivations, and that includes your piss poor excuse for psychiatry practices. That's one thing I agree on. Stop the exposure to violent media, stop the drugs, ban guns (guns kill people, it's what they were designed for). I'm sorry, I used to defend your country when all around were bashing it. When I reas this and see the sympathy you receive, I can see that the problem is far, far, far deeper than I imagined. The muslims were right. You are all going to HEll, one that you yourselves created.
If your son is a maniac then don't keep guns in the house
To The Anarchist Soccer Mom,
I'm one of those kids....... I'm was a "Michael" if you will. First there is no mental illness in genius. Second I was tortured by a single mom as well. My heart goes out to your son. I don't believe that making your son a criminal and or mentally ill because of your short comings as a parent is cool.... very weak lady, very weak. Maybe if you spent less time sensationalizing yourself in blogs and spent more time with your son learn how to deal with him you'd be better off. All I know is after I got away from my family, school and hospitals my life improved radically. Oh and before you go off .... I have a letter from the ministry of post secondary education stating that I'm the top one percent of IQ's across the country. All I needed was to get way from the narrow vision of the world that was my family, school and medicine and it all worked out. Maybe you should do your son a favor and find someone with more love in their hearts and brains in their head let them raise your son? Maybe then he would have a fighting chance.
Yours a very smart, very angry kid that made it out of the system.
:)
To The Anarchist Soccer Mom,
I'm one of those kids....... I'm was a "Michael" if you will. First there is no mental illness in genius. Second I was tortured by a single mom as well. My heart goes out to your son. I don't believe that making your son a criminal and or mentally ill because of your short comings as a parent is cool.... very weak lady, very weak. Maybe if you spent less time sensationalizing yourself in blogs and spent more time with your son learn how to deal with him you'd be better off. All I know is after I got away from my family, school and hospitals my life improved radically. Oh and before you go off .... I have a letter from the ministry of post secondary education stating that I'm the top one percent of IQ's across the country. All I needed was to get way from the narrow vision of the world that was my family, school and medicine and it all worked out. Maybe you should do your son a favor and find someone with more love in their hearts and brains in their head let them raise your son? Maybe then he would have a fighting chance.
Yours a very smart, very angry kid that made it out of the system.
:)
I am so appreciative of your brave article! This is a fabulous, gut wrenching story and it is so true. The mental hospitals of the past (where my great-grndfather resided) are gone. We are left with a nation of mentally ill patients that dont have a safe haven. Enough with lying cheaters that need welfare and food stamps and disability. Our nation needs mental institutions! Go bless you!
My mother and stepfather were in similar situations with me. I was the kid with the mental problems, the violent tendencies, and the various threats to the wellfare of my family and self. I was hospitalized when i was in the 5th grade for several months. My family had no help with any of my bills, or help outside of weekly trips to the psych doctor two hours away. I feel your pain because i know what it is like in both situations. I have a younger brother and sister, yet i am the one with the emotional problems. I have since learned to deal with most of my emotions through self-taught control. If you maintain the strength to carry on, some good will come out of it in the end.
My daughter died at age 25 in 2009 after many years of mental and physical illness. We were often afraid of her, though she only ever attacked me once, when she was drinking. Your story could be my story, though.
We hid the knives. We put her in the hospital as often as we needed to. I was fortunate to have her father in the picture, so I had some help. She hated me each time I put her in the hospital, and after she turned 18, we could no longer do that. She was off our insurance and an "adult". She was never fully able to care for herself, but the government would not grant her disability.
Stephanie was "off the charts" intelligent. When she was able to go to college, she was smart enough to tutor statistics. She planned to be a doctor, but her mind would not "think right" (as she put it when the voices would come back). Some of her drawings frightened me. I worried for us and for her brother.
She spent a good deal of time homeless, couch-hopping among her friends, whom she would eventually wear out. At the last home she stayed at, they were asking her to find a job and/or move on. They found her dead when they came back from a night away. Her father thinks she took her own life because she was running out of options. I think it was an accidental death (as the coroner ruled). One too many Ambien mixed with her Xanax, anti-depressants, and pain medication.
Those of us who have raised "normal" children alongside our mentally-ill children don't deserve blame. We don't deserve the kind of neglect we and our children get from the system, either. It's abhorrent for a civilized country to have such a national crisis.
Please work for change before it's too late. These kids don't just present a danger to themselves and their family, as we've learned the hard way in the US. We need a better plan.
Peace, D
What an incredibly honest piece from the heart. Mental illness is a huge problem and the healthcare system continues to cut in that area. I am a Registered Nurse of 14 years. I am also a rape survivor (age 16) and survivor of years of severe depression and PTSD that followed, which included multiple suicide attempts. I understand being on the other side of a mental health issue. While there it is often times hard to control your emotions and you feel lost. The disease often takes over you. I agree that the focus on gun control is important, but I believe there should be more focus on mental health issues and support for those families that are coping with a member who suffers from one. Thank you for your writing!!
Thank you Liza for sharing your personal struggles with the public.
As a single mother of a few children, and one who is prone to outbursts as Michael, it is my sad conclusion that the kind of help I've found so utterly lacking is quality mental health coverage for the MOM.
Y'know how the announcement on an airplane orders the mother to don her own oxygen mask prior to helping her child do so...
Having a safe place wherein a mom can release the pent-up stress on a DAILY basis, puts her in a much better frame of mind/mood to deal patiently and lovingly with our challenging child/ren.
I too, have had state/city-sponsored mental health workers come to my home to provide care, and unfortunately their visits worsened my child's behavior. These children need their mother's love and understanding. So if Mother can afford to do what it takes to keep her stress levels in check, she can put up with a LOT more her kids throw her way.
My insurance only covers a limited amount of mental health visits per year, so I'm limited in the amount of support I can get for myself. THIS, I would like to see changed.
Would love to get in touch with you, Liza.
Continue to follow your gut, and may you find peace in the choices you make for yourself, your son, and the rest of your family.
My mom is Adam's mom. I am Adam's sister.
God help Michael. God help my brother. God help Newtown. God help us all.
My heart goes out to you, your son, and your family. It is not easy and there is no easy solution, but families like yours deserve help. Your son deserves help. I can not completely understand your plight, but I can relate a bit. I grew up with a manic depressant, my mom. It was not easy, and there was not much help available. As the oldest child in the family, my job was to help my dad deal with whatever came our way. Every day was different, too. We never knew how my mom would feel or what might trigger her to have a meltdown. Thank you for writing such a poignant piece.
You are comparing your son to a mass murderer before he's killed someone. Are YOU crazy? The feeling that will manifest in your son's mind as he matures (and has already started to I imagine judging from how you are currently treating him) will be 'my mother and/or father don't love me'. Especially after he sees this. My brother is 'somewhere on the autism scale ADHD/we don't know what's wrong with him', but I'll tell you what your son's problem is. He's a bastard. You know it. You've been told from your pseudo-intellectual friends (who are doctors) that you shouldn't fight him. You damn well should. His father, when he acts like that, needs to make it very, very clear that it is in his interest not to do it. And i'm not talking about banning electronics here. Are you serious? Do you realise how pathetic that sounds? Nor of course am I advocating violence, but when my autistic brother is told in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable, he damn well KNOWS it. He is not a bastard. Please do not say 'we've tried'; it is clear you haven't tried the correct way of parenting.I could not disagree more with this horribly misguided description of the possible causes of mass murders in your country. Prison the last refuge? What about the billions of dollars of mind altering drugs you mentioned? The problem is deep rooted cultural standards in the United States. You have what appears to be the most basic, basic understanding of human needs and motivations, and that includes your piss poor excuse for psychiatry practices, and their belief in the existence of 'chemical imbalances' as the cause of sociopathic killing sprees. The problem is the debate has gone so far in your country that some things which are taken as a given are dangerously (see 'fatally') wide of the mark. Stop the exposure to violent media, stop the mind altering drugs, ban guns outright (guns kill people, it's what they were designed for). I'm sorry, I used to defend your country when all around were bashing it. When I read this and see the sympathy you receive, I can see that the problem is far, far, far deeper than I imagined.
I agree very much with your opnion that we should make this about treating the mentally ill but I also believe there should be more gun control. As you say you in your post you collected all sharp objects and keep it away from him so he can't hurt himself or others. If Lanza could not get ahold of a firearm it would not have done what it did.
Well, it seems that Adam Lanza used the guns of his mother. Parents also have to look at their own part in it. Where do children learn their behaviour? As it is said in the Bible: "There is no good tree with bad fruit and trees are recognized by their fruits."
Thank you for this wildly candid, honest and informative piece. Praying that you and your family can get all of the help it deserves. Pathetically, in this ocuntry, we have physical health insurance with a scant amount of mental health insurance as part of it. I applaud you attempts to make your way through a mucked up system.
As an aside, I really encourage you to take the word "Anarchist" out of the title of your blog. It is what we would call in marketing a "severe" or "polarizing" word that instantly keeps some people from your message. Your message is far, far too important to risk that. Politicians, parents and health care officials should hear everything you have to say.
I have put a link to this story onto my fb page, and home all who read it do the dame. Thank you.
Thanks for calling our attention to this side of the equation and for calling us to action on mental illness. God bless your family.
I want to apologize on behalf of all the ignorant people out there and their comments. It's such a disgrace. Thank you for sharing your story and allowing us the chance to discuss a topic that sometimes seems to be a bit taboo.
ABOUT SCHIZOPHRENIA:
http://www.orthomed.org/isf/isfbrochure.html
Mental Illness or Allergy? http://www.wholeapproach.com/newsletter/archives/2003/04_April.html
Gluten Sensitivity and the Impact on the Brain:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-david-perlmutter-md/gluten-impacts-the-brain_b_785901.html
Is Gluten Making You Depressed?
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-breakthrough-depression-solution/201105/is-gluten-making-you-depressed
DIET FOR BIPOLAR DISORDER:
http://www.livestrong.com/diet-for-bipolar-disorder/
Dr. Oz's Worry Cure & Diet Plan:
http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/dr-ozs-worry-cure-diet-plan
Nutrition and Traumatic Brain Injury:
http://www.iom.edu/~/media/Files/Report%20Files/2011/Nutrition-and-Traumatic-Brain-Injury/Nutrition%20TBI%202011%20Report%20Brief.pdf
Food & Mood Diary: http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/content/assets/PDF/159555/MHF-Food-and-mood-diary.pdf
I experienced everything you wrote with my son. My life as his mother revolved around one last thing to try. With Gods grace we made it through. After 18 when he moved out we dealt more w drug problems that i still blame myself for since i allowed doctors to drug him since he was 7. He's now 25 & i believe drug free for several years. He has an 18 mo old son who is beautiful & calm unlike he ever was as a baby. He's held the same job for 2 yrs. Things i never expected him to do. As an adult he even described himself as text book sociopath even though he is a great father. Its scary but unfortunately life for so many parents.
My heart goes out to his siblings. I WAS that younger sibling of a disturbed older brother. Please, please look out for your other little ones. Prison may not be the place for your son, but neither is home. Your younger children deserve a safe environment. If you don't give it to them now (either by putting your older son away, or having your younger kids live with a relative for a while), they will resent you for many, many years. Trust me, I know. I am now 27, and I am just now forgiving my parents for NOT providing me with the safe environment I deserved as a child. I went to bed every night wondering if he was going to kill me in my sleep. Michael's siblings deserve better than that.
This issue of poor community support systems for folks who may have or develop mental illness is a big problem and has affected me and my colleagues.
I am in Florida and had a co-worker in her 40's develop schizophrenia and severe paranoia. It started slow and got progressively worse over several years until she ultimately alienated all her friends and only living relative--her mother, because they were fearful (she thought everyone was scheming to ruin her). She was seeing a psychiatrist and taking medicine for about 6-months, but then she had paranoid delusions that her therapist and physician was also involved and stopped seeing them. This also caused her to get let go from her job.
She falsely accused one of her ex-clients at work of sexually stalking her (elaborate delusion) and this guy went through hell trying to clear his name which he was able to do after people came forward to explain her situation.
She has no spouse or kids and she has an elderly mom in her late 70's that I believe she is now estranged with. Over several years she was able to find several of her ex-co-workers phone numbers including me to leave messages that were not 'threatening', but clearly very disturbed (speaks a made up language, tries to explain this elaborate plot to get her and others involving the Governer, etc). It is scary knowing a deranged person is still focusing on you years later. She has a very high IQ and has managed to be functional and support herself for many years although I believe things are now falling apart for her as her condition has worsened (I no longer live in her town).
After my ex-coworkers and I received a message several years later indicating her condition was much worse, I called her local police to see if they can help or do something.
They said they were familiar with her and psychiatric issues but stated they cannot legally arrest her or Baker Act because she has not yet threatened harm to herself or others.
However, they admitted problems of their own dealing with her (she made excessive calls and then had delusions involving responding officers that required internal affairs investigations). The officer said the only thing that can be done is for I and other colleagues to visit her and attempt to assist her with help.
Frankly, we are all frightened to do this because she has had delusions that involved us scheming against her, plus we have families and do not want her any obsession/delusion to shift to us.
I was willing to go however, if 1 or 2 other co-workers would go with me and no one would do it.
I called the local mental health department and they said they cannot help until she is Baker Acted.
After several of us got another very disturbed message recently, I called my local police who did not want to respond because it did not involve a threat. We demanded an officer listen to the message and they agreed she has serious issues, but all they can do is call her local police and request a welfare check.
This poor lady's life is falling apart from mental illness and I fear someone could eventualy get hurt in the end. She is not psychologically sound and who knows if she will snap and do something horrible to herself or others in her delusions. She clearly needs professional help, yet she falls throught the cracks because there is no 'threat' yet involved. This is the type of person that commits these atrocities when they do snap and I think there needs to be some solution in place to help people in this scenario who do not have appropriate family support/supervision.
It is not fair to expect an ex-colleague to pop by her house to deal with this scary and challenging situation and potentially put themselves at risk.
I am so sorry for your pain. I have a son on the autism spectrum. He is a sweet, meek-spirited boy, but he bottles everything up, won't burden us with the pain he feels at school, and I worry about the coming explosion. I also work professionally with children with a variety of mental health needs. You mentioned several possible diagnosis. Has anyone ever explored the possibility of Reactive Attachment Disorder? Your son's behavior suggests this as a possibility. I hope that you will find all the answers you need, most particularly, healing for your son and your whole family.
You are not without options. I work at a full-time residential treatment facility for teens like your son. The teens at our facility gain control of their emotions and behaviors through professional treatment while earning a high school education. The doctor who said your son needed a criminal record was ill-advised at best and not speaking from any sort of meaningful or professional experience. All best wishes and prayers to you and your family.
Too many people are saying their school age children have STRESS disorder. Children don't enter the world with stress. What is stressing the kids? PARENTS create the home environment and set the academic expectations. Parents can change their expectations for achievement, the schedules, activities, and disciplinary tactics. Discipline that does not give kids choices can be stressful. Always give your children an opportunity to correct their mistake at the same time you state what the other choice is. Take the stress out of YOURSELF and out of your home.
Please have your son get an EEG. My daughter had similar "rages" and was finally diagnosed with a type of epilepsy (after being told she had bipolar, a mood disorder, and so on). After being put on an antiseizure medication called Lamictal, she has returned to her "normal" self.
If u parents ever hear this its that ur son should be on flupenthixol bi weekly injections. I went from thinking everybody was trying to kill me to perfectly sane in 5 weeks. It's traditionally used for cocaine addiction but is like traditional anti psychotics without the lethargy and horror that come with the other drugs. It is the best drug available and I'm sure I'll be able to work soon and become a productive member of society. Give it a go
My heart goes to you, but please do not associate yourself with Nancy Lanza.
Nancy Lanza had an arsenal of weapons and trained him to use them. Nancy made a monster out of her Adam.
You are not the same type of person. You show courage and compassion and real love, and in the end you will win. Do not worry so much. You and your son will be fine.
Liza, I'm so sorry to hear that you are living my life. You just described the last 10 yrs of my life perfectly. Six months ago, my son tried to behead me with a metal snow shovel whilst screaming "I'm going to f**king kill you, you f**king b*tch!" I went through the same drill of going to the ER, filling out the paperwork...again.
This was our third trip to the ER in less than 2 months, however this one ended quite differently. I threw my hands up and told the doctors at the psych facility that I could not risk him harming my other children (I have 4 younger children), and that we needed real help this time. He was transferred to a PRTF (Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility) for the past six months, and returned home two weeks ago.
Do I think it changed anything? No! If anything, it just gave him an opportunity to learn more bad habits. He was accused of assaulting his roommate while admitted to the PRTF, which resulted in a full criminal investigation. He's just as random now as he was before. One minute, he's a loving and sweet natured child. The next, he is screaming profanities and threatening murder or suicide.
There is so much more that I could share with you, but since you appear to be living a parallel life, I'm certain you already know what I would share. I did want you to know that you are NOT alone. I understand your love, your fear, your terror and the sense of helpless anger that bubbles just under the surface on days that seem to spiral out of control. I hope, someday, we both find a sense of peace. Until then...hang in there!
Have you tried eliminating milk, wheat, corn and soy from your son's diet? Also food coloring and especially sugar are very disruptive to health and mental health. Your child probably needs plenty of Omega 3 oils too. I know this is difficult to do when you already have so many difficulties to handle but it can be done with tremendous results. Just a thought and holding you in my prayers.
It was very brave of you to share your experience and my heart goes out to you. I hope you get the help you and your family needs. Your post will make many rethink their point of view on these issues. Bless you.
Incredable story, One thing I noticed is that you said he was on Zyprexa? An anti-psychotic, I was on that for a short while. If your son has his mental capacities "on the good days", maybe it's the combination of psych drugs he's on... one of the side affects I remember on Zyprexa was a couple bouts of serious rage that I couldnt control, litterally had to lock myself in my room for hours... it was like taking whatever symptoms you may have; ADHD, or what not and giving them steroids... As soon as I realized that, I stopped taking the meds immediately. I have been sensitive to these types of meds, but regardless, that is my experience... I am now completely drug free, and will stay that way, I found a focus and stay very busy with that, as well as a physically fit, and have never looked back.
Way to ostracize your son even more you stupid c*nt! Don't expect him to ever be able to get a job now that his name is slandered all over the internet. All because you wanted some attention. F*ck you! You ruined your kid's life and one day he'll pay you back for it.
Have you tried eliminating wheat, corn, dairy and soy from your son's diet? Also sugar and food coloring are detrimental to health and mental health. Your son could also benefit from more Omega3 oils too. I know this is difficult when you have so many difficulties to handle already but it can be done with tremendous results. Just a thought and holding you in my prayers.
I am glad to see your story out here. It's something that is being denied in our country - we deny and put such a stigma on mental health services, we shut down the psychiatric ERs and leave those with problems nowhere to turn.
Families can't get help unless they get an arrest record on the mentally ill person? What kind of nonsense is that?
I wish you peace and a hopeful future for your family. May one day, a cause and a treatment be discovered for your son before it's too late.
Thank you! This post took a lot of courage.
I don't see how anyone could bad mouth you. Its a completely fair and honest question.
I agree with Macy. This mother who endorses the freedom of anarchy, is a hypocrite because she raised her son under a tyranny.
Using disrespect, control and shaming by taking away his things, not letting him decide what he wants to wear, making him into an angry, frustrated individual. It's no wonder he behaves the way he does - this mother MADE him that way.
Had she had any positive parenting skills at all, he would not have turned out this way. This mother is entirely to blame.
She was right about one thing - probably all the other mothers who's sons have walked into schools and open fired on children and teachers were raised in the same manner - controlling, strict, authoritarian.
This type of parenting only creates children who are angry, hurt, rebellious, contemptuous of authority, contemptuous of others who are happy and loved, because they were raised without love, without acceptance, without respect.
All the parents here supporting her, are sheeple, ignorant of what loving, non punitive parenting is. They follow the herd mentality of raising kids with strictness, control, fear, pain, shame, time outs, hitting, etc. They are raising the next generation of hurting adults who will go on to hurt others and hurt their own children.
This ignorant parenting of americans needs to END. Maybe then we will have peaceful, respectful citizens who would never even think to hurt or kill others. The shooter Adam, killed his own mother - does that not tell you just how much rage and hate she instilled in her son to make him do that???
When a child hates their parent to the point of wanting to kill them - that says that this child was horribly treated, controlled, and had no love at all.
Anarchist soccer mom is a neglectful, hurtful parent. She is not a hero but a woman who perpetrates her own bad parentage onto her offspring without ever doing any research about how harmful her actions are.
I hope she will read about how damaging her punitive, controlling, shaming, disrespectful parent is.
Respect can only be taught by SHOWING respect, not demanding it, not coercing it using fear, manipulation, shame, threats, taking away of personal possessions.
Our children, NOT OUR POSSESSIONS to do what we like. They are PEOPLE - and when we start treating our children as we would like to be treated - respectfully, listening, openness, loving attention, guidance without threats or bribes -then they will emulate those positive qualities back. Children are mirrors, they copy what they are treated. Angry kids are angry for a reason, think about it.
No happy, content child was raised by an authoritarian, punitive, shaming parent.
Respect your children. Love them. Guide them - listen to them. Stop controlling them - there is no need for it. Children will emulate wise, loving parenting, and will treat others, themselves and their parents with respect and kindness, because it was showed to them.
If your child talks back to you, tells you they hate you, tells you they hate themselves and wants to kill themselves, that child is screaming how hurt they are - and this mother never once paid attention to her sons cries for love. Instead she gave him more threats - and then abandons him in a place where he never deserved to go. Absolutely shameful of her.
I hope one day he will find someone who can show him what love is, what acceptance and respect is. I hope they will be able to undo the years of damage his mother did to him.
My heart goes out to you. I spent many years of my childhood asking for help. No one can imagine the uncontrollable thoughts that can go through our heads. I also have a high IQ and believe that it is both a blessing and a curse. Through my junior high and high school years I could become very violent without any warning. I am now 42 and i no longer have those tendencies, but deal with thoughts that I swear are not normal. I am in active therapy and have been for years. I am also female and hold down a full-time job without issue.
Even though our society has been more accepting of mental health therapy, they just don't see how truly uncontrollable some of the issues are. There needs to be more done to support both the person in distress as well as their parents and siblings.
The Mental Health system in this country is seriously broke. It is estimated that 6% (1 in 17) of American adults suffer from serious mental illness. More than 4 million of our children also suffer mental illness. Studies show 20% (1 in 5) of our American families is impacted by mental illness. I know as I am one of those families. I have learned that our mental health system is a horrifying horrendous maze which is extremely difficult to navigate to obtain any meaningful help.
What about all the families trying to navigate this horrible maze? It drains them physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. Families experience feelings of frustration, fear, guilt, denial, loss, isolation, sadness and loss of hope. How can families deal with such tremendous suffering?
I can tell you from personal experience how families react to the crisis of mental illness does affect the family member’s recovery. The only way to deal with all this is to know peace of God, which surpasses all human understanding that will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7).
To that end that is why I am trying so hard to get “There Is Hope Ministries” up and running. I want families of people with mental illness to know they are not alone as nothing can separate us from the love of God. There is hope.
Pr. Gary
www.lutheransonline.com/mfpmi
This story leaves me broken and hopeless. May God bless you and your family.
Thank you. Your family is not being helped be the mental health community. Get into contact with a teaching hospital, like Columbia University, get some great doctors, and they'll treat you both for free. I have ADHD, and I'm doing this myself. I have two children, and it's the only way for me to get great mental health care.
The answer is finding a great psychiatrist who can really help you. Don't despair. He or she is out there, and the answer will come. Love to you both.
Thank you so much for this. Many of us know there is a problem but have no idea how to explain it. or put a face on it. Which is exactly what we need to do (as a society). God bless and hoping this actually leads to some answers, for you and for others.
I am a parent of a child who suffered from full on rages...tears, anger, unwarranted aggression, etc. It may not sound true, but 70% of his rages were due to a gluten intolerance and PANDAS. PANDAS is a disorder where his immune system was attacking his brain, thinking it was strep bacteria. Please look into bacterial infections causing your son's anger and rages...there are so many parents out there who are dealing with this every day and sometimes it may be as simple as strong antibiotics.
I could have written this story.. I have been there.. My son started at the age of 8. Wasn't my lack of parenting or discipline. Who knows what the problem was. We have had every diagnosis known to man and tried every drug out there. I heard the whole "you need to have him arrested for anything to happen" and I did. He spent time in YDC. He spent time in a Residential Treatment Center. He spent time in a Outdoor wilderness camp.. He spent numerous occasions in different metal health facilities. I have been bitten, hit, scream at, told how much I was hated and everything else under the sun.. I have prayed, I have cried.. I have felt like nothing was going to work.
When my son turned 18 he decided to break into some houses. Spent 6 months in the County Jail and 9 months in a Probation Detention Center. Things are better now. But I still jump everytime the phone rings. I will always wander what will happen next. It is always in the back of mind what will he do.. But all I can do is pray. And have faith.. Faith that God will look over child and help him to make the right choices.. Because until he is willing to work with mental health to resolve the problem he says isn't there, that is all I can do...
The first comment from Visions says: "Michael and so many others trapped in our culture with no humane solutions". However, America is not a culture, it is a non-humane society.
Thank you for this post! I am a special needs mom of two. One of which has a slew of acronyms behind his name that do include Asperger's, ADHD, ODD and Intermittent Explosive Behavior Disorder, among several others that can mean moments of behavior no mother ever dreamed of.
My son isn't as bad as this anymore but, he's only 8 right now and the broken windows and doors from his prior years still mark our home and serve as reminders of where we can't go back to. For now, his medications works and for the sake of my sanity I can't afford to think of him in ten years or 15 even. However, every single time I see these things my heart breaks and all I can do is pray "please don't let this be my son on day".
Unfortunately, you are right, getting these children help is almost laughable! I heard so often, "just wait" or "he'll grow out of it", or my favorite, "Well, lets see if he gets better, this could just a sort of growing pain"! It took two broken windows, a door broken off of it's hinges and a bedroom completely tore up, mattresses and all by a 4yr old before anyone understood. Videotaping an episode, where we had to lock him in his room and sit outside his door again and he repeatedly charged his door like a linebacker for 40 min, which was followed by about 20 min of destruction and screaming before anyone would even take us seriously. I have gone to a dozen different doctors until we were lucky enough to find a great neurologist who helped us.
While things are good right now, there is never a moment where I think I will ever relax, where I will ever stop worrying and wondering when or if our next step will be yours.
Thank you for saying what so many of us are stigmatized for saying, for talking about. You are in our prayers.
Macey,
You’ve made some excellent points – you’re very articulate and have given us a lot to think about. Please keep in mind that most mothers (and fathers) who have a violent child or teenager would give anything to find the magic pill, saying, activity, person, etc. that will help the child. The problem is that it’s exhausting and there’s only so much time in the day and we usually have other children and work responsibilities that need attention too. So, we often fail to find or do that one thing that might turn it all around…but we want to and we’re trying and we are so worried that it’s difficult to function sometimes. This mother is probably making some mistakes, no doubt we all do. But it’s often the mother who is the only one left standing when everyone else has given up.
Are we missing the obvious with some children and their diagnoses: All ADD/ADHD medications carry warnings that include mood/behavior changes, bi polar, suicide/suicidal tendencies, agressive behavior - just to name a few. Additionally, a VERY common prescription for asthma and rhinitis now carry the EXACT same warnings and I know firsthand the horrific adverse side effects from my daughter and thousands others who made the connection. Our society, including doctors, do not place emphasis on those warnings - we are often further medicated and misdiagnosed. When "rare" side effects are moved from page 14, to the top of prescibing information, "Warnings", this indicates the FDA has received more reports of severe adverse side effects. So please, do not dismiss new/unusual behavior to terrible two's, peer pressure, job stress, etc. Look first to your medication, and believe what you see in those "possible" adverse side effects. My prayer is that someone, an investigative reporter - someone with access to the families of those who have committed these violent acts over the years - will ask the question - "Was their child on ANY medication?" I truly believe this may be the answer to the "why" we all have. May you be blessed through your journey.
Oh boy, I am astounded at some of these comments! I have spent the majority of my life working with kids with mental and physical challenges. I have my bachelor's and master's degrees in counseling and have worked with hundreds of kids on a Psychiatric Inpatient Unit. I've seen it all. I am also the mother of three children, and have experienced mental challenges in one of my sons in my personal life.
My son started from birth with night terrors and screaming like we were killing him whenever we'd give him a bath. His behavior started getting out of control around the age of three - unpredictable, never knowing what thing was going to set him off into a rage of hurting himself and others. He's seven now and it's just getting worse. This is my worst fear for him if we can't help him find a way to deal with his extreme emotions. He is struggling internally as we are also.
I have learned something important over the past few years. Every single person on earth is born with some kind of challenge to overcome and learn from in life. Every single one of us has our own challenges to face and, then if we choose to become parents, we take on our children's challenges as well. I also learned there is a vast difference in sympathy and understanding between the parents/people that have physical challenges opposed to mental/emotional challenges to face.
Physical challenges have genes that prove the challenge, cancer that can be seen through x-rays, wheel chairs that show the world something isn't working correctly, etc. Challenges that can be seen and understood by the naked eye or science are quickly given understanding, empathy, special gifts (Make a Wish), and community support. Parents and children with physical challenges are embraced by society. It is a whole different story for people and parents facing mental challenges.
Mental challenges are not seen, cannot be shown with proof from an x-ray, and are often kept secret because of public shame and lack of support. Communities shun with they cannot see and understand. No one understands what it's like to ask your child to tie his shoes to get ready for school and end up being attacked by an irrational human being. They chalk it up to bad parenting. I'm not saying in any way that life is easier or better for someone with a physical disability, but it is the community understanding and acceptance that makes it more tolerable. There is a public support system rather than the sometimes secret small group support systems for parents of children with mental/emotional challenges.
Anyone that is blaming this mother for her son's behavior has not walked in the shoes of a PARENT of a child with a mental challenge. That goes for you too, Macey. You don't know the personal struggle and sadness parents with emotionally challenged children go through. I go to bed crying some nights because I try so hard to be a good parent and it doesn't make a difference to this one child. I'll speak honestly when I say there are some days (despite all of my years of training), they I'm ready to completely lose control and beat this child that is spitting at me, screaming hateful things, throwing toys at me, and trying to punch and bite me...just because I asked him to wash his hands before eating a sandwich. Parenting is different for every child on earth, but parenting a child with extreme mood/behavior swings is a roller coaster of uncertainty, despair and inadequacy almost every single day.
The only answer is for OUR WHOLE COMMUNITY to treat mental/emotional challenge as any physical challenge - with understanding, acceptance, and support. Support those struggling internally and support the parents struggling with them. The only answer in stopping such awful acts of violence (as we have recently seen) is to stop treating emotional challenge as something to be hidden. The more you hide something from community shame, the more it will stew and eventually explode out of a person.
@ Lydia Cudney
I'm certain that you do not know the entire story of how this young man (or mine) evolved. What I can tell you though, is that my own son was beaten repeatedly in the head by his biological father. His explosive outburst with the snow shovel occurred after I found out, and subsequently removed him from his father's "care". I had suspected he was being abused, and had asked both of my older kids repeatedly about it. Both of them lied to me for years, until the day he showed up with a huge goose egg on the back of his head.
It's not "always" the mother's fault, and for you to blame her exclusively without knowing the full truth of their history is unfair and unkind of you. My son does show signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder as a result of abuse by his bio-dad, however my removing him from dad resulted in anger and resentment toward me. He turned on me when I attempted to keep him from harm's way.
You cannot judge the life of another until you've walked in their shoes.
I don't know if you will see this comment among all 2500 of your other comments but when I heard your story on tv today I immediately jumped online to read you whole story. I knew I had to find you. I knew I head to tell you about a place that you could look into for help for your son. Something bigger than myself was telling me I HAD to find you.
Heritage School Residential Treatment Center in Provo, Utah work with kids JUST LIKE YOURS. I know because I work there. (I am an administrative services secretary...no one fancy.) I see these kids come for treatment. I see parents just like you who are praying for something to help their child and their family. I have heard many parents AND the kids that come to Heritage say, "If it were for this place I could be dead."
Heritage School is a non-profit residential treatment for at-risk adolescents ages 12-17. They accept boys and girls. This is not a lock down facility but the staff has all the students in their line of site at all times. This is a facility built on relationships, which is the reason it is TOTALLY different from other treatment centers. The kids that go to Heritage go to school, receive treatment from therapists and psychologists, they participate in therapeutic recreational activities, they work with horses in the equine program, if desired they participate in religious services (there are many different religions on campus and each worships they why they want), and they include their family in their change.
I strongly encourage you to look into Heritage and see if it is something that could help you and your son. Heritage Schools provides hope, nurtures relationships, and changes lives. You can find more information on heritagertc.org You can also call Susie Fell at 801-226-4600 or toll free at 1-800-433-9413. She is in admissions and could give you more information on the school. You could even email me at crissa17@hotmail.com
There is hope. There is help. Sometimes the Lord works through other people and I feel like he has inspired me to share this information with you. Good luck!
Oh boy, I am astounded at some of these comments! I have spent the majority of my life working with kids with mental and physical challenges. I have my bachelor's and master's degrees in counseling and have worked with hundreds of kids on a Psychiatric Inpatient Unit. I've seen it all. I am also the mother of three children, and have experienced mental challenges in one of my sons in my personal life.
My son started from birth with night terrors. His behavior started getting out of control around the age of three - unpredictable, never knowing what thing was going to set him off into a rage of hurting himself and others. He's seven now and it's just getting worse. This is my worst fear for him if we can't help him find a way to deal with his extreme emotions. He is struggling internally as we are also.
I have learned something important over the past few years. Every single person on earth is born with some kind of challenge to overcome and learn from in life. Every single one of us has our own challenges to face and, then if we choose to become parents, we take on our children's challenges as well. I also learned there is a vast difference in sympathy and understanding between the parents/people that have physical challenges opposed to mental/emotional challenges to face.
Physical challenges have genes that prove the challenge, cancer that can be seen through x-rays, wheel chairs that show the world something isn't working correctly, etc. Challenges that can be seen and understood by the naked eye or science are quickly given understanding, empathy, special gifts (Make a Wish), and community support. Parents and children with physical challenges are embraced by society. It is a whole different story for people and parents facing mental challenges.
Mental challenges are not seen, cannot be shown with proof from an x-ray, and are often kept secret because of public shame. Communities shun with they cannot see and understand. No one understands what it's like to ask your child to tie his shoes to get ready for school and end up being attacked by an irrational human being. They chalk it up to bad parenting. I'm not saying in any way that life is easier or better for someone with a physical disability, but it is the community understanding and acceptance that makes it more tolerable.
Anyone that is blaming this mother for her son's behavior has not walked in the shoes of a PARENT of a child with a mental challenge. That goes for you too, Macey. You don't know the personal struggle and sadness parents with emotionally challenged children go through. I go to bed crying some nights because I try so hard to be a good parent and it doesn't make a difference to this one child. I'll speak honestly when I say there are some days (despite all of my years of training), they I'm ready to completely lose control and beat this child that is spitting at me, screaming hateful things, throwing toys at me, and trying to punch and bite me...just because I asked him to wash his hands before eating a sandwich. Parenting is different for every child on earth, but parenting a child with extreme mood/behavior swings is a roller coaster of uncertainty, despair and inadequacy almost every single day.
The only answer is for OUR WHOLE COMMUNITY to treat mental/emotional challenge as any physical challenge - with understanding, acceptance, and support. Support those struggling internally and support the parents struggling with them. The only answer in stopping such awful acts of violence (as we have recently seen) is to stop treating emotional challenge as something to be hidden. The more you hide something from community shame, the more it will stew and eventually explode out of a person.
Hi
I have a son with mental health issues as well. He is now 19. He is doing better. It hurts to see your worst fears on the news. We found a mental health facility that was an extended care living facility when we could no longer restrain him. He got help but with a lot of lawyers. If your sons illness interferes with his ability to get an education it is the responsibility of the state to pay for appropriate mental health care to facilitate education. If there is no facility in your state that addresses both his educational needs high IQ and mental health needs they must by law find one out of state and live in. You need a lawyer and a family therapist. It does not have to turn out badly. We still keep track of behavior but no longer have to track safe days. My son has a job, a girlfriend, a group of friends and is moving out. He still swears at me once and a while like a normal teenager but I do not live in fear like I used to. There is help you just have to fight for it.
There are also parents groups to help you with your rights. You are not a bad parent as some people have said you have not failed. Mental illness is illness and when they said jail that is not the only option. We used The Edgewood Center for Children and Families but there are others. I spent my life savings, lost my house, and my personal and professional life was drastically effected but my son has a normal life. With intervention and medication this is possible. My other son lives with his father and had to for his own safety.Because I spent every day fighting for my mentally ill son. I made choice that sometimes I regret. My younger one understands but it will take time for that relationship to be repaired. Mental illness tears apart families. Destroys lives and brands people. For years I was the room parent for my mentally ill son so I could run interference for him and he could be normal. I worked from home and worked all night to get freelance projects done so that my son could get through a school day. I never even went on a field trip with my normal son. The jealously led to the younger one baiting the older one and a physical altercation of choking his brother and a then a suicide attempt. Which lead to a pediatric psych ward and then the center. I spent everyday at the center or with a lawyer or with an expert. I have no retirement money, I gave up my life to save his. It should not be that hard. Perhaps if people start to care instead of judge it will be easier. My thoughts are with you.
My heart goes out to you..but not because I can't imagine, fathom or understand what you are going through. My heart goes out to you as I have walked this path with my own son. It is a nightmare you can't wake from and a psychological and emotional roller coaster. Our society needs to step up. Not only to help the child with their mental illness, but to have a support system, a plan and options for parents who are raising these children. Our society needs to realize this is Nature over Nurture. I am not the reason my son is ill. It isn't his fault either. It is something that just is unfortunate and sad and an uncontrollable. However society expects the parent to deal with the unthinkable and correct the uncorrectable. I do not live with my son at this time. I raised him for 15 1/2 years. With no support, numerous therapists as I noticed something was "off" at age 7 definitely, maybe sooner looking back, nonsupport from the Dr's, a gifted child that could manipulate and fool most therapists which resulted in no diagnosis for 8 years...it took until the level your son is at to get one, then it was too late. I was told that, among other "blanket" diagnosis he was (not legally on paper of course until he is 18) a Narcissistic Sociopath...cant help or legally diagnose him until he is 18, but good luck. Cant get help without diagnosis, but can't get diagnosis?!?!?!? He is 16 now and lives with his Father as my only options were the same...when he commits a crime THEN they can help...but until then I was on my own as he became worse and worse. Unfortunately , I think, at times it was unfortunate he was so gifted. He was too smart to do something to get arrested. he danced on the line but never crossed it. As a parent you ate to see your child arrested or create a criminal record.but the fact he was too smart to go here..tied my hands. The system offered no options. I worry every day...and i mean every day...WHO will he hurt, WHAT will he do to others who cross his path or God forbid him, WHEN will he do his, WHERE will it take place, HOW will he hurt them...mentally, emotionally or physically, WHY my beautiful child who had the world at his feet and was more loved than he could imagine had to be mentally ill and WHY our country, society and Mental Health System WONT HELP THESE CHILDREN but expect ordinary every day parents to deal with these EXTRAORDINARY circumstances that TRAINED professionals don't even know how to handle...ut yet the parents are the first to blame when it all goes wrong and the child who the "SYSTEM" couldn't or wouldn't help goes off the deep end... I don't know what is crueler, the fact my son who was the absolute love of my life and everything I lived and breathed for is ill...the unsuspecting victims that will come from knowing him or being in contact with him who can not be protected...or that our society will do nothing for him but sweep him under a carpet, enable him then will be shocked and full of blame towards me when he finally is so sick he can no longer control himself and hurts someone.
Did you think this blog entry through?
You do realize that this blog entry, not popularized on HuffPo and now on MSNBC, will be read by other parents in your town, as well as by their children?
Other parents will now tell their kids to shun your child. Other kids will mock him in school.
I am not sure that it is a good idea to air your dirty laundry this way.
And there are two sides to every story - I wonder what your son has to say about this?
You escalated a sartorial choice into a trip to the mental hospital. I am not sure that was necessary.
Why not let him wear the pants to school and let him deal with the consequences?
Dark Blue, Black - maybe no one would notice the difference?
Or, maybe that is what you were AFRAID of?
My heart goes out to you..but not because I can't imagine, fathom or understand what you are going through. My heart goes out to you as I have walked this path with my own son. It is a nightmare you can't wake from and a psychological and emotional roller coaster. Our society needs to step up. Not only to help the child with their mental illness, but to have a support system, a plan and options for parents who are raising these children. Our society needs to realize this is Nature over Nurture. I am not the reason my son is ill. It isn't his fault either. It is something that just is unfortunate and sad and an uncontrollable. However society expects the parent to deal with the unthinkable and correct the uncorrectable. I do not live with my son at this time. I raised him for 15 1/2 years. With no support, numerous therapists as I noticed something was "off" at age 7 definitely, maybe sooner looking back, nonsupport from the Dr's, a gifted child that could manipulate and fool most therapists which resulted in no diagnosis for 8 years...it took until the level your son is at to get one, then it was too late. I was told that, among other "blanket" diagnosis he was (not legally on paper of course until he is 18) a Narcissistic Sociopath...cant help or legally diagnose him until he is 18, but good luck. Cant get help without diagnosis, but can't get diagnosis?!?!?!? He is 16 now and lives with his Father as my only options were the same...when he commits a crime THEN they can help...but until then I was on my own as he became worse and worse. Unfortunately , I think, at times it was unfortunate he was so gifted. He was too smart to do something to get arrested. he danced on the line but never crossed it. As a parent you ate to see your child arrested or create a criminal record.but the fact he was too smart to go here..tied my hands. The system offered no options. I worry every day...and i mean every day...WHO will he hurt, WHAT will he do to others who cross his path or God forbid him, WHEN will he do his, WHERE will it take place, HOW will he hurt them...mentally, emotionally or physically, WHY my beautiful child who had the world at his feet and was more loved than he could imagine had to be mentally ill and WHY our country, society and Mental Health System WONT HELP THESE CHILDREN but expect ordinary every day parents to deal with these EXTRAORDINARY circumstances that TRAINED professionals don't even know how to handle...ut yet the parents are the first to blame when it all goes wrong and the child who the "SYSTEM" couldn't or wouldn't help goes off the deep end... I don't know what is crueler, the fact my son who was the absolute love of my life and everything I lived and breathed for is ill...the unsuspecting victims that will come from knowing him or being in contact with him who can not be protected...or that our society will do nothing for him but sweep him under a carpet, enable him then will be shocked and full of blame towards me when he finally is so sick he can no longer control himself and hurts someone.
Mental illness runs in my family as well. I have two bipolar siblings and many aunts and uncles who have bipolar as well. This erratic and violent behavior your son is displaying sounds very familiar. Over the last 5+ years they have tried different meds, had counseling, ambulance rides, gone to mental facilities--and it seriously was hell sometimes. My parents have the patience of Job and loved and cared for them through everything. Finally after trying everything, literally everything--evening considering electric shock therapy in desperation to prevent them from taking their own lives... one of their psychiatrists suggested a company called Truehope. It has literally saved my siblings lives. It was really hard to make the change, but Truehope really has worked for them. They still continue to get treatment from counselors and other supportive help, but they are fully functional young adults. It has literally changed all of our lives. I wish you the best of luck with everything you are going through, it is painful. And really painful that most of society doesn't understand what it really means to have a family member who needs this much support and unconditional love.
My heart goes out to you..but not because I can't imagine, fathom or understand what you are going through. My heart goes out to you as I have walked this path with my own son. It is a nightmare you can't wake from and a psychological and emotional roller coaster. Our society needs to step up. Not only to help the child with their mental illness, but to have a support system, a plan and options for parents who are raising these children. Our society needs to realize this is Nature over Nurture. I am not the reason my son is ill. It isn't his fault either. It is something that just is unfortunate and sad and an uncontrollable. However society expects the parent to deal with the unthinkable and correct the uncorrectable. I do not live with my son at this time. I raised him for 15 1/2 years. With no support, numerous therapists as I noticed something was "off" at age 7 definitely, maybe sooner looking back, nonsupport from the Dr's, a gifted child that could manipulate and fool most therapists which resulted in no diagnosis for 8 years...it took until the level your son is at to get one, then it was too late. I was told that, among other "blanket" diagnosis he was (not legally on paper of course until he is 18) a Narcissistic Sociopath...cant help or legally diagnose him until he is 18, but good luck. Cant get help without diagnosis, but can't get diagnosis?!?!?!? He is 16 now and lives with his Father as my only options were the same...when he commits a crime THEN they can help...but until then I was on my own as he became worse and worse. Unfortunately , I think, at times it was unfortunate he was so gifted. He was too smart to do something to get arrested. he danced on the line but never crossed it. As a parent you ate to see your child arrested or create a criminal record.but the fact he was too smart to go here..tied my hands. The system offered no options. I worry every day...and i mean every day...WHO will he hurt, WHAT will he do to others who cross his path or God forbid him, WHEN will he do his, WHERE will it take place, HOW will he hurt them...mentally, emotionally or physically, WHY my beautiful child who had the world at his feet and was more loved than he could imagine had to be mentally ill and WHY our country, society and Mental Health System WONT HELP THESE CHILDREN but expect ordinary every day parents to deal with these EXTRAORDINARY circumstances that TRAINED professionals don't even know how to handle...ut yet the parents are the first to blame when it all goes wrong and the child who the "SYSTEM" couldn't or wouldn't help goes off the deep end... I don't know what is crueler, the fact my son who was the absolute love of my life and everything I lived and breathed for is ill...the unsuspecting victims that will come from knowing him or being in contact with him who can not be protected...or that our society will do nothing for him but sweep him under a carpet, enable him then will be shocked and full of blame towards me when he finally is so sick he can no longer control himself and hurts someone.
Posted to Facebook 12/16/12 Bt CliveDJ
Resident Evil?
A family member says there is ‘evil’ in the world, which was ready to step in to create the shooting in Connecticut. I don’t believe it; I believe that it’s fearful and disturbed people who commit evil acts. The President says let’s take action. But what are the issues? What action?
Here is a possible recipe, which could lead to mass murder of children:
‘Asperger’s’…. It’s a label, it points to a child or adult dissociated and unable to connect fully to others. They need more than pills or routine therapy. They need help to find a sense of self and a connection to others.
Gun Collector…. Not necessarily as a protection or for hunting but to satisfy some need for having semi-automatic pistols and more. The NRA says guns don’t kill people, people do. It would have taken a lot of sharpened pencils to kill 27 people.
Inner darkness… our psychotherapy work reveals a common practice of implosion of the self due to life circumstances and enfolding part of one’s soul in darkness. The evil that people speak of comes from the hell of that loss of self. There is a process for discovering/recovering the lost fragments of soul/self. A troubled or withheld youth points to a need for a variety of help including a more educated therapeutic process. Becoming famous for a day and then dying because life is not worth living can come from such a living dissociated hell.
A generation of dissociated youth….how many young people live in alternative realities, unable to relate fully one-to-another? Or are traumatized by their time in the military? Remember to hug and reach out to your children and find the dissociated places in yourself and free them.
Now is a time to share the grief of the parents and the community and I have my own feelings of passion for my children’s and grandchildren’s safety.
However, unpopular as it might be, characterizing the shooter as a monster, aberrant, as not like us, is too easy and wrong. For us, we feel sorry for him and his parents and family and for a society that helps create this possibility or a community where someone can become invisible.
One possible action for me… I will get to know my neighbors more and their kids. I will smile more at the homeless and the lost in our society…. Oh, and let’s ban semi automatic and automatic weapons… anything we can do to reduce the cache of potential weapons for the disturbed or those who will become so.
This has become my new world. My son has been struggling with ADHD and undiagnosed mood disorder for years but at the age of 12 the violence has started and nothing has seemed to help. His psychiatrist, therapist and everyone else just don't seem to have answers. After a recent police visit, I'm just not sure how were all going to cope. The only youth crisis center in our area closed due budget cuts and we are fightint tooth and nail for answers. Finding your link is ray of hope. Thank you.
Wow! Very Powerful. I used to work in Residential Treatment and realize things are tough. Some governments think these kid can be cured in 3 months. They move them out to make room for another. It's sad. They need to stay longer. and most do. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story.
it's unfortunate that it takes a tragedy to call notice to a problem. I take several things from the article;1) being the heath care system. either not willing to get involved due to lack or no coverage and willing to pass the buck or their hands are tied due to bureaucracy. 2) an attack on guns-- a gun is a item. it has no brain it doesn't think it just sits there till someone touches it. same as a car -the knife you cut your dinner with. I own several and none of them have ever hurt anyone.I hope they never will be put in a situation that I will have to. If there comes a time of NO escape and as a measure of last resort I will. People say call the police -they are a after effect-they CAN'T be everywhere. the knee jerk reaction is more laws-- WRONG! there are so many laws on the books now. How about enforcing the ones on the books instead of more.It looks great for a politician to beat the drums after a tragedy to make themselves look like they are in touch. Criminals DON'T follow laws. ENFORCE THE LAWS ON THE BOOKS. A gun is a tool it can't do anything by itself. It's no different than your car-the pen in your pocket- frying pan-extension cord. By themselves they do nothing. Address the problem in the heart of the message mental health. If the person wishes to do harm they will use anything. It seems that it is usually thought out- most of the time being thought out they say something to someone. At that time it should be a red flag. The trouble is most people don't listen the may hear but don't listen. It's also sad we have to live in a world where we have less rights than criminals. Society has forgotten "do unto others as they would unto you" . And they have rights. As far as I'm concerned they gave up those "rights" when they did something to the "others". Be it stealing -verbal-or physical.We have a revolving door system. It lets people get away with crimes to easy. And doesn't do a thing to change the person doing the crime. They just do what plead out sentence they get and right out doing it again.How is that reform? Ok they did "their time" did they learn from their actions or learn more and perhaps become more educated on how not to get caught the next time or at the least to delay the fact.They need to fix the system first and work with the laws written first before the knee jerk reaction of writing more.
I was married for 15 years to a dear man who was brilliant,clever, creative, very sweet and deeply spiritual, (when he felt well) and he suffered from mental illness... he was labeled with many diagnoses over the years. i would say the labels mild to moderate bipolar and borderline personality probably described him best in conventional terms. He had three psychotic breaks in a two year period, and then managed or healed himself with careful eating and adequate rest, and pharmaceuticals in his back pocket, just in case. Hardly used them. with hindsight, and even during the time we were together, it became evident to me that he, and sometimes others with similar difficulties, had a massive gap between his IQ and his emotional intelligence... So when he was emotionally stressed or similar, his mental faculties would go into overdrive, and his emotions couldnt keep up. He'd blow. If I or friends could see things coming, we'd let him know, and be supportive in ways that we could. It usually helped. Sadly he died from a head injury sustained in a collision in a blizzard he should never have been driving in... a few days after returning from a long journey in the third world. perhaps the stress of culture shock upon returning triggered a mania... he could not be talked out of taking the trip.. he is remembered with love..
I was married for 15 years to a dear man who was brilliant,clever, creative, very sweet and deeply spiritual, (when he felt well) and he suffered from mental illness... he was labeled with many diagnoses over the years. i would say the labels mild to moderate bipolar and borderline personality probably described him best in conventional terms. He had three psychotic breaks in a two year period, and then managed or healed himself with careful eating and adequate rest, and pharmaceuticals in his back pocket, just in case. Hardly used them. with hindsight, and even during the time we were together, it became evident to me that he, and sometimes others with similar difficulties, had a massive gap between his IQ and his emotional intelligence... So when he was emotionally stressed or similar, his mental faculties would go into overdrive, and his emotions couldnt keep up. He'd blow. If I or friends could see things coming, we'd let him know, and be supportive in ways that we could. It usually helped. Sadly he died from a head injury sustained in a collision in a blizzard he should never have been driving in... a few days after returning from a long journey in the third world. perhaps the stress of culture shock upon returning triggered a mania... he could not be talked out of taking the trip.. he is remembered with love..
... and... if we can, my wife, who is a psychotherapist, and I would like to help. The 'Missing Peace, the advanced seeker's guide to wholeness', RAPSI ® and it's case studies refer. Clivedj
Your post article was sent to me by a friend. Only another mother who has walked in your shoes- or a variation of your experience- can understand the frustrations and emotions you encounter on any given day.
On the practical side of things, there are several options that I was able to do for my daughter (now in her later 20's) that you may find helpful. Using our insurance, I was able to get them to offer up a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) stay for many months in order to properly diagnose and treat what was going on with my child.
Advocating through the school district, I was able to obtain behavioral expertise and finally, a therapeutic educational placement. The road was not easy, but it helped our family to cope with the extreme or drama behavior- while getting appropriate care for my child.
Realize that some states are better than other when providing services to children like your Michael. This disparity in services and supports have led some families to move where there are more appropriate care.
Don't lose hope! Network with those who understand your own personal journey and can provide some insight based on their own experience.
Liza,
There is a doctor named William Walsh that has done numerous studies on mineral profiles of serial killers... He has found that they shared an imbalance of certain trace minerals that throw their bodies out of wack. One such study centered on a 7 year old boy who showed extreme violet tendencies which when was corrected with the correct minerals, went on to lead a normal life... Also the proteins in wheat have psychoactive properties which can cause ADD, ADHD, depression and schizophrenia.. Good luck and God bless...
http://www.nutritional-healing.com.au/content/condition.php?condition=Aggression/Violence
http://www.walshinstitute.org/
To enlightenedearth 44: Is your child on Singulair?
To enlightenedearth44: Is your child on Singular?
Your story is mine as well. We had to "voluntarily" sign custody of our 15 year old over to the county in order for them to send her to a residential treatment program. She has four months left of the year she was given there and we pray it's enough.
My heart goes out to you.
Sheilah Davidson
Rosendale, NY
You could be describing my grandson, he has ODD and is OCD...we have been through all of the same situations and more. His psychiatrist says he can't do anything else for him.... just great...now what? My daughter has learned to handle each episode as it comes, but with six other children at home she is exhausted. I try to be there for her, I know how hard it is....we have taught my grandson to call or text her or myself when he is in crsis. Thank God that he still feels safe to reach out, sometimes he doesn't and we aren't sure what is happeing in his brain. He is a complusive liar and that makes it extremely hard to know where his mind is....he uses the foul language and threatens to hurt his parents or siblings, and sometimes does. Where do you turn to for help? Who knows what to do? I love him so much, he is my first grandson, I helped raise him when he was young and I want to help him and my daughter but we seem to be hanging in limbo waiting for the next episode. The police and social services have been involved but there isn't anything they can do. They think he is a "bad" child who is almost 15.
My heart goes out to you, I wish I knew what to say, just love him and love yourself for being there.... you are doing the right thing by sharing....
thank you
Margaret
Mental health care has gotten worse over the last several years. Many mental health facilities have closed in favor of out patient treatment. With that said, if you know your child has mental illness and is prone to violent outbursts, you should not have an accessible supply of guns at their disposal. You put away the knives and kept them out of sight. She needed to have the guns locked up or maybe even in a coded safe. I am not blaming her- so please do not thing I am
This was truly inspirational, not only for the fact that it highlights the extremely important issue of mental health in America, but that it was raw and honest. It takes true courage to write a blog entry like this and its absolutely commendable.
There are a tremendous amount of bizarre negative comments here about how selfish this mom is. Her sharing this story is not only a cry for help but an attempt at letting other parents know they are not alone in their struggles. There is nothing selfish in either of those motives.
My only comment on the post itself though is this. Knowing what you know about your son, it is my understanding that you would NEVER arm him with weapons. This is the different between you and Adam Lanza's mother. Her behavior in that area, is mentally ill all on its own. There is no excuse.
You are amazingly strong, Many of us mothers deal with this daily, and find it to hard to admit....yet tell the world.
We are out here, loving our kids no matter what, wishing we could fix it, thinking "where did I go wrong" but, we did not and are not, it is the system.
To all of us out there, may we embrace and be wrapped in the hands of god, as we struggle through our daily lives!!
Blaming parents is not the way forward!!!!
No one knows what goes on behind closed doors!
It doesn't matter how much you try to show love to some children; some find it difficult to show their feelings.
It is very isolating living with a child who has mental health problems.
Unless you have been there you have no right to judge!
For instance it is a well known fact that children on the Autistic Spectrum desperately need structure, routine and rules in order to feel secure.
Speaking from the heart is one thing but be informed first.
I know what it feels like this mother has guts and being a parent is hard enough with children who are well. Walk a mile in her shoes and then be critical!
Thank you for your articulate, insightful, candid article. As a veteran I feel like I may, to a small degree, understand your frustrations with getting traction when it comes to mental health. The part where you explain to the audience that the health professionals cannot diagnose mental health disorders. I believe this to be an insurance and liability issue, also a seperate issue. The issue here is that health care professionals will tell you that your son has issues but they refuse to name them, (this is the #1 issue facing vets also) then recommend that you get a referal from the police of all qualified people. So this may be where my perspective touches yours. Mental health is not a myth. Acknowledging that someone has a problem is many times better than insisting that they become a problem in order to get help. Veterans tend to not commit mass crimes (to much like combat and the source of the pain), instead we kill ourselves at a rate that would make you wonder if this country really does loves its vets. Or its children. Just my 2 cents. Thank you for your voice.
I was raised in a home with mental illness. My mother, after nearly 25+ years of violent meltdowns that included lethal threats against my father, siblings, and co-workers, was finally diagnosed as bipolar and paranoid schizophrenic. She has NO problem driving to the local store to purchase a handgun and/or shotgun which she drove around our county looking for targets that "had done her wrong" in her world. Sadly, each new medication became tolerable and saturated in her system, each subsequent breakdown was worse than the last, and eventually there were no drugs left to maintain her grip on reality. Today, at 81, she lives in a nursing home in her own, no-so-earth-based reality. I am 61 and all of my siblings and her coworkers survived the threats. It helped that I was a police officer for 20 years and had those resources at my fingertips at a moment's notice. The mental health officials got tired of "dealing" with her because there was never going to be "a cure."
I will suggest reading "The China Study" for strategies. My heart and prayers are with you. I know your pain and suffering. May God Bless you and your family.
I am worried for you. I am a lawyer. I work with people with disabilities. I had a case where my client stabbed his child's mother 14 times. He had a history of mental illness going back to childhood. His diagnosis was Bi-polar Disorder. His mother said she was so afraid of him hurting her or his siblings that she would hide all of the sharp objects in the house. He got treatment as an child, but once he reached adulthood there was not much she could do and he moved out, so she didn't see him as much. In hindsight she said that she wished she would have noticed that the same symptoms she saw in him as a teenager, were present in the months preceding the murder. Please find more help for your son soon. It is my understanding that Bi-polar disorder is difficult to diagnose in children, but not impossible. Since you did not mention that as a possible diagnosis, I wanted to bring this to your attention. I have family members with this disorder, too. Between them and my former client, I see all of your son's symptoms in their histories. My cousin's son had 5 psychiatrists and pschologists working as a team when he was a child. He was very out-of-control and frightened me. He is now a 22 year old college student and stable on his medications.
God Bless your family. I have been a high school teacher here in Missouri for 22 years, and I, too, see students--rare thought it is--who are like these young men. Too often, the parents are in denial, too terrified of the judicial system, too fearful of being called "terrible" if they consider instituting their child. My heart aches for the students; my mind fears for their parents and their society. We must, if we are Americans and if we are moral, keep finding a way to help. To help again. And to keep helping. Everyone.
Most rational people look to the medical model and the mental health system or the influence of toxins to explain the rash of autistic and ADD, ADHD children. If you are open to a more spiritual explanation, you may like to read up on 'Indigo Children' and the worldwide phenomena where young children have been remembering a past life and the aura of the child is predominantly indigo in color. Universally, they feel as if they don't fit in. Amongst the four predominant groups, Statesmen, Artists, Technocrats and Anarchists, the latter category was ascribed to the young people committing Columbine and other killings. Teachers, parents and others have reported on the widespread change in behavior of the young people over the last 20-30 years. We prefer to work with the understanding of how a person's consciousness becomes fragmented and how to recreate unity, but the second Indigo book reported on the previous generation of adults, now mostly carers, parents, teachers or others of these young people who also have Aura's which are predominantly Indigo. they also felt different as children. Dismiss this if you will, but some of you out there are listening!
This situation is just heartbreaking...but it still goes back to we need to spend American dollars on Americans. As a mom to bi-polar kids (now adults) if you do not have good private insurance your screwed. My son has been trying to get help again for almost a year for his anger and bi-polar problems. But in Phoenix there is no help...we have been trying. All the money being wasted in other countries wars is comming out of Americans benifits...this has to be controlled. I have been a target shooter for over 30 years. As of last month I became a cwh (conceal weapon holder) pretty sad at my age to feel so unsafe. Taking guns away will not help, there are a lot of other weapons that can be used..fire, bombs, ect. Need to have help for the people before they blow.... I'm still trying to find my son help...
100% agree with you. I have been a teacher for 35 years, the signs come early. We must not only get someone to talk of mental illness, but to ACT. NOW!
This situation is just heartbreaking...but it still goes back to we need to spend American dollars on Americans. As a mom to bi-polar kids (now adults) if you do not have good private insurance your screwed. My son has been trying to get help again for almost a year for his anger and bi-polar problems. But in Phoenix there is no help...we have been trying. All the money being wasted in other countries wars is comming out of Americans benifits...this has to be controlled. I have been a target shooter for over 30 years. As of last month I became a cwh (conceal weapon holder) pretty sad at my age to feel so unsafe. Taking guns away will not help, there are a lot of other weapons that can be used..fire, bombs, ect. Need to have help for the people before they blow.... I'm still trying to find my son help...
Let's see if the author leaves my comments up. This woman is waging war against her son and using the terms "mental illness" and the whole industry behind it as her weapons. What kind of a mother makes such a huge deal about her son wanting to wear a different color pants!! It is so obvious that her smug, self-righteous rigidity is driving her son nuts. That is only one example of what she puts him through! A smart creative kid needs more space than what she is allowing!
I mean, he is obviously handling it wrong, but he's the child!! But even I am nauseated by this clueless, self righteous mother.
I would let him wear whatever color pants for days until he got it out of his system. We'd have a good laugh about it one day. That's what good mothers do. We don't control our kids until they're bonkers. We respect their healthy need to express their individuality while setting limits that keep them safe while they do so. It's called Individuation and is a very, very important stage of human development. Mess with it and things don't go well.
And OMG 13?? 13?? That is the EXACT age where this stuff starts to happen! This young boy is simply trying to become a man and he has this controlling mother telling him what to wear--a very intimate decision and then releasing the private details of his life to the Internet in fact associating him with one of the worst massacres in recent history! She has no respect for her son. I hope he survives her and has a great life!
Ummm..pants? Not a big deal. Think she needs to learn the wise old adage of "pick your battles."
She turns the little kids against her son, allows paramedics to wrestle him to the ground??
She doesn't understand that he is simply trying to develop an identity. He just needs guidance on how to deal with his strong feelings. All children do and all kids say crazy things, but he IS a child and this mother is acting like she is the victim of her child--except for when she proudly crows that she's still stronger than him--so maybe she'll do okay in the wrestling match SHE has created in lieu of a home.
Even in the article, she admits her son says she's lying. She is torturing this young boy. Nobody can diagnose him because there is nothing wrong with him.
This situation is just heartbreaking...but it still goes back to we need to spend American dollars on Americans. As a mom to bi-polar kids (now adults) if you do not have good private insurance your screwed. My son has been trying to get help again for almost a year for his anger and bi-polar problems. But in Phoenix there is no help...we have been trying. All the money being wasted in other countries wars is comming out of Americans benifits...this has to be controlled. I have been a target shooter for over 30 years. As of last month I became a cwh (conceal weapon holder) pretty sad at my age to feel so unsafe. Taking guns away will not help, there are a lot of other weapons that can be used..fire, bombs, ect. Need to have help for the people before they blow.... I'm still trying to find my son help...
Let's see if the author leaves my comments up. This woman is waging war against her son and using the terms "mental illness" and the whole industry behind it as her weapons. What kind of a mother makes such a huge deal about her son wanting to wear a different color pants!! It is so obvious that her smug, self-righteous rigidity is driving her son nuts. That is only one example of what she puts him through! A smart creative kid needs more space than what she is allowing!
I mean, he is obviously handling it wrong, but he's the child!! But even I am nauseated by this clueless, self righteous mother.
I would let him wear whatever color pants for days until he got it out of his system. We'd have a good laugh about it one day. That's what good mothers do. We don't control our kids until they're bonkers. We respect their healthy need to express their individuality while setting limits that keep them safe while they do so. It's called Individuation and is a very, very important stage of human development. Mess with it and things don't go well.
And OMG 13?? 13?? That is the EXACT age where this stuff starts to happen! This young boy is simply trying to become a man and he has this controlling mother telling him what to wear--a very intimate decision and then releasing the private details of his life to the Internet in fact associating him with one of the worst massacres in recent history! She has no respect for her son. I hope he survives her and has a great life!
Ummm..pants? Not a big deal. Think she needs to learn the wise old adage of "pick your battles."
She turns the little kids against her son, allows paramedics to wrestle him to the ground??
She doesn't understand that he is simply trying to develop an identity. He just needs guidance on how to deal with his strong feelings. All children do and all kids say crazy things, but he IS a child and this mother is acting like she is the victim of her child--except for when she proudly crows that she's still stronger than him--so maybe she'll do okay in the wrestling match SHE has created in lieu of a home.
Even in the article, she admits her son says she's lying. She is torturing this young boy. Nobody can diagnose him because there is nothing wrong with him.
This situation is just heartbreaking...but it still goes back to we need to spend American dollars on Americans. As a mom to bi-polar kids (now adults) if you do not have good private insurance your screwed. My son has been trying to get help again for almost a year for his anger and bi-polar problems. But in Phoenix there is no help...we have been trying. All the money being wasted in other countries wars is comming out of Americans benifits...this has to be controlled. I have been a target shooter for over 30 years. As of last month I became a cwh (conceal weapon holder) pretty sad at my age to feel so unsafe. Taking guns away will not help, there are a lot of other weapons that can be used..fire, bombs, ect. Need to have help for the people before they blow.... I'm still trying to find my son help...
Mr. President - have I missed something? How does your healthcare bill provide better options for the mentally ill and their families? Since healthcare is your passion, focus some of your energy and outrage over Newtown toward identifying those families who need to protect themselves and others via treatment of the mentally ill members of their family.
Thank you for sharing. Please find a book called, Tourette Syndrome and Human Behavior by David E. Comings, MD. He believes there is a spectrum of Tourette's as well and that violent outbursts and extreme rage in children have to do with the same part of the brain that causes tics and other Tourette symptoms. I hope this knowledge helps you. I am only half way through the book. My daughter is not as extreme as your son, but she does have rage-filled violent outbursts that are not provoked. Scary. I also have her on some homeopathic meds for leaky gut. Please contact me if you need more support. I am a mom and a counselor. I constantly search for info and allies. I want to crack the code and find the answer!!
"How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=tmm_pap_title_0
Thank you for being so brave and daring, letting us see you and your son at your most vulnerable. May you both, and all of us, be blessed for your courage.
Your post moves me to try to contribute something, please forgive me if I overstep my bounds.
First, thank you for letting Michael know your boundaries for his behavior. This is right and proper.
Second, please let Michael know that he is allowed to FEEL whatever he feels, that it is not wrong to feel like doing horrible things; it's only wrong to do them. "Oh Michael, you seem very angry about this." "Yes I am!!" Notice your own feelings and judgements as they arise, let them go and continue to be present to yourself and to him. Keep giving him ways to be deeply heard by you. Let your heart break as you witness his torment. If he starts to pound you, give him a pillow option and let him pound it to his heart's content. His feelings are not the monster. Having no safe way to express them builds a monster, day by day.
It's not your fault. It's not his fault. It's all of our responsibility. Nothing is more important.
The only part of this post that concerns me is the part where you say, "I've heard those promises over the years. I don't believe them."
You sound as though you are blaming Michael personally for his problems. But its not his fault. Its his illness that is causing him to do these things. The person he is most of the time is the person he really is.
As unfortunate and sad as it is, this is the root cause of the issue. Gun control, armed guards within institutions, etc. will never address the cause. I'm inspired by this woman's strenght to identify the cause of the problem and encouragement of others to address it.
I too have a mentally ill son. I am lucky in that I have never felt that he would attack me but he did used to cut himself. I can remember when he was just in grade school, he cried and asked me why things had to be so hard for him and he talked about his "good brain" and "bad brain". It is heartbreaking. I think that it is so difficult for those who do not have personal experience with mental illness to understand how seriously it effects those who suffer with it and their families. They can not understand that you cannot discipline it out of the child nor can the child simply snap out of it or mature out of it. My son may never marry, work, or accomplish many of the things that a parent hopes for their child. My son will always have me for support and encouragement. Judgment for the mentally ill and their families needs to stop and real support and help for them needs to start.
thank you for sharing.
In addition to complexity of mental illness, when are we going to stop giving our kids VIDEO GAMES that only seem to insight and promote violence? And when are we going to ask Hollywood to be responsible? Do we really need a Tom Cruise movie about SNIPER FIRING (same gun that Adam Lanza used kill? and the Washington DC youth used to kill? to sensationalize killing?
This is issue is a triangulation of Automatic Weapons, Mental Illness and Violent Games/Videos?
In terms of brain development, certainly the impact of watching and playing violent games daily is desensitising and warping the developing brains of youth?
I sincerely hope you are able to get your child the help he needs and also that anyone reading this returns their games HALO,etc and gun wielding movies that they are buying as gifts back to the store!
Bless you for sharing your story, I like you have sons with this kind of mental illness. My eldest son fits the Adam Lanza profile, my other son PTL was this way as a child and has amazingly out grown this behavior. My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you and your son.
The irritants in tap water for drinking, tooth brushing, gargling, and food preparation as well as the steam from a shower or bath with tap water bring on this manic behavior. Other irritants also cause behavioral dysfunctions such as food colors, preservatives, non-organically grown food, face painting, off-gassing of household chemicals, packaging materials, dyes, petroleum based products, cosmetics, etc.
Liza, posting an article about your son's pathology is completely appropriate. I have a niece who has an autistic child, Ben, a 9 year old. My niece is in the process of completing her Ph.D. in nursing. She was an N.P., but wanted to teach. When she applied for her teaching job, as part of the application process, she was required to make a presentation, and she chose autism as her subject. Her 9 year old son was delighted that she chose his pathology as the subject for her presentation; he listened to her presentation at home, and he really wanted to accompany her to listen to her presentation before her prospective employers, but of course he knew he couldn't. My niece got the job. I notice that another blogger commented on the value of teaching the child love and interdependence in the family. Ben loves to play with and look after his baby brother and sister, but fights considerably with his 7 year old sibling, a little girl. The children are brilliant, and the 7 year old sister knows everything about Ben and can provide the list of what Ben will eat and what he will not eat. (What he will eat is very limited.) My niece made sure that all of the siblings are totally involved in each other's lives, caring for each other and looking out for each other. My niece has 4 children, ages 1 - 9. Taking care of the little ones is very important to Ben. They need him.
Dear Liza,
Please do NOT allow anyone to convince you that you are in the wrong and that your son's behavior is in any way, shape or form "normal". It's neither normal nor something that "bad parenting" could likely provoke. Your son Michael does have a problem. I have worked with kids like him for years and he would fit right in.
Most importantly, please think of yourself and your other children. It pains me to say that, but since I have worked extensively with teenagers like Michael, I feel obligated to do so. The reality is that you WON'T be able to contain your son's violent meltdowns much longer without extensive help. Your son will soon be strong enough to overpower you and you don't want that to happen. Given the chance, he may well do what he often threatens. When kids like Michael snap, the lights may be on, but nobody is home. All that drives them in these moments is their intense rage. I have no doubt that your son loves you and his siblings, but I'm afraid it might not keep him from hurting you most severely when enraged. As a loving mother, this must be hard to hear. Still, I urge you not to ignore these facts. You wrote that you are Adam Lanza's mother. Well, Adam Lanza's mother is dead. Please, do take care of yourself.
thank you for sharing the story. I would highly suggest craniosacral therapy to help him before he turns 18. It's about aligning the spine and cranio bones so the spinal fluid runs properly. I've benefited tremendously from it myself resolving issues of emotions, rage, etc.
In animal kingdom, responsible mothers do not prolong the misery of the offspring that is unfit to survive. They put them down swiftly. They don't jeopardize the well-being of their other children or the ability to provide for them. Which is exactly what you were doing up until you sent him off.
You did the right thing.
Your son will never be happy. You will never be happy. Your other children will never be happy as long as he is around. And then when your son can't take being a freak any longer, he will share his pain and hatred by shooting up or poisoning 20+ kids. And then you'll blame the tragedy not on yourself but on worthless psychiatrists and the society.
And all of this... for what? So he could live a few extra days longer than you? How many other mothers raised serial killers out of belief that their wombs can do no wrong?
Study up "cerebral allergic reactions."
My heart goes out to you too. Being a good parent is the hardest job you can ever have if your child is special needs. I remember feeling as you did when my son began having fits of rage. I worried when he was 8 years old that someday he would be too big for me to restrain. I worried me might hurt himself or his siblings. We of course went to behavioral health for counseling, family doctor and specialist, more counseling, psychiatrist,etc. He is 25 now and lives with me and I continue to take him to counseling but now it is because he is an addict. His diagnoses include ADHD, ADD, OCD, Bipolar with schizophrenia, Depression, Addictions, and low mental IQ. I love my children. All of them, but he gets most of the attention and always has. I want to say this. One of the things that kept me feeling sane when he was younger was that after the kids were in bed I went online to a support site on the internet and chatted with other parents of children with ADHD. It is nice to know you are not alone.
My heart goes out to you. I know the courage it takes to live with mental illness. My wife and I
adopted four kids with various issues 15 years ago and two had mental health problems so severe that neither can work and are in mental health facilities and group homes most of the time, even as adults. Sometimes they have had to leave mental health facilities because they were "stable", what ever that means really. At various times they have been diagnosed with all of the things that you mentioned plus others. We have had neurological mapping done and testing and still nothing has been firmly established.
Pretty sure that episode would have ended (and subsequently not happened again) after my Dad heard me utter "stupid bitch" at age 12 and beat the shit out of me.
Just sayin.
How can you judge???those of who have....have you been there and traveled the same road....and the kids that responded....DO YOU REALIZE what your parents with through....
We all need not to judge but look for ways to help....that is a waste of all our time...
prayers are with all
How did you get started getting him help? Please tell me. This is MY son's story. He is so sweet and loving, he cares so much but he snaps for nothing so quickly it is scary. He is 10 and has threatened to kill himself and others so many times. He sometimes does very distructive things for no reason we can find. He is so smart- top of his class all the time. Reads everything he can get his hands on, but then when some small thing goes wrong he will grab a bowling pin, a knife from the kitchen, even the dog once and attack. I've called social services and they can't do anything because he hasn't broken a law, the police say it is a family squabble and kids fighting, we've had him tested by a psychologist who said not schizophrenia but would not say anything else. The other dozen or so therapists we have contacted have said he is just immature and needs to learn more boundaries. My God your boy sounds EXACTLY like mine. How did you find someone to listen and help?
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2012/10/21/pellagra-causes-violent-crimes.aspx
This article was written before the Sandy Hook tragedy but speaks to the issue exactly.
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2012/10/21/pellagra-causes-violent-crimes.aspx
This article was written before the Sandy Hook tragedy but speaks to a root of the problem well.
Thank you very much for your story. So sorry for your situation. I can't agree more with everything you said. I feel for all of the families of these ill people too though it doesn't sound like you would allow guns in your house knowing your son's situation. This is what I don't understand about Nancy Lanza. She had to know the risks. Having a link between the background checks for firearms and the mental health industry is a must in my opinion, this would be true gun control! Good luck soccer mom!
I'm another parent who understands and has battled with the system for 14 years now to seek some kind of treatment for my son other than jail time with each occurrence. When you decribe your Sons eyes, that's the way it starts with my son as well. His eyes turn black, with no color of the iris being shown. I've put this in God's hands and pray daily that he will cure him, take these thoughts from his mind, and make him whole, of sound mind. Blessings to all ... my support is with you.
Unfortunately, Nancy Lanza is no innocent victim in this tragedy.
She KNEW her son was mentally unstable, and not only did she fail to secure her own weapons, she actually TAUGHT him how to shoot them!
Owning guns is a big responsibility. Those who allow their guns to fall into the hands of mentally ill people should be held partially liable for the crimes they commit. Ironically, Nancy Lanza paid the ultimate price for her irresponsible gun ownership. There is simply no recourse for the families of the Lanza victims. All they can do is bury their dead and pray for some comfort.
We must resist the temptation to overreact and misapply "solutions" and overstep common sense during a crisis such as the Newtown massacre. The problem isn't GUNS - the problem is mentally ill people and their access to ANY sort of weapons.
Remember that to this day, the worst school massacre occurred in Bath, Michigan - 39 children dead via explosives. To this date, the worst mass murders on US soil have been via explosives, not guns.
Also, in Norway in 2009, in spite of some of the strictest gun control laws in the world, a mad man killed 69 students - with an assault rifle that he obtained illegally.
We as a nation can fund elaborate prison systems, and enact an elaborate public healthcare bill, but where are our mental health facilities? What infrastructure, what budget, do we have for the mentally ill and their families? Precious little is there, I can assure you. As the sister of a violent, mentally ill brother, I can assure you that there is no effective system in place for handling the seriously mentally ill in this country. Our family was actually told, LAST WEEK, by the authorities: "When we release your brother, arm yourself and use those arms to protect yourself. And if we're called out again, just know we are going to shoot your loved one."
There has to be a better way.
I could have written this article verbatim! My son is 25 now. Still mentally ill, a street person with drug addiction (self-medication). We did it all: had him arrested, put in residential treatment, years of therapy, medications, etc. Like you said, nothing worked. My heart goes out to you. Please be safe. Because he knows you will love him forever you are an easy target for him when he is irrational.
I worked with in the mental health field for years, mostly with teens. The solution to this kind of horror is in residential treatment, not gun control. That is a red herring issue.
The violent and deranged must be taken off the streets and treated in a closeted environment so that the vulnerable of our society are protected.
Dear Liza,
My soul is shattered for you in this deeply troubling situation. I will pray for you and your son and family.
It's not mental illness. It's sin. We are all great sinners and Christ is a great Saviour. He alone can redeem this situation.
Please listen to this profound series of sermons on "How Not To Foul Up The Training Of Your Children":
http://bit.ly/FoulUp
With love and prayers,
David
Sorry, it didn't link:
How Not To Foul Up The Training Of Your Children
What bothers me about this is how many people are going to take it and blow it out of proportion. I hope not, but this could easily put innocent people who have autism in danger. I mean people who would never hurt anyone, much less their own mother. To attack one's own mother is a sign of a moral problem, not autism.
I don't want to live in a world where people will freak out and become violent because of a mental problem.
I read this essay last night after a friend posted it to his Facebook.com page.
After reading the essay, and then reading the comments, it is apparent that there are so many out there that don't understand that 1) beating this child will not make him behave - in fact, it would probably make things worse; 2) having a father in the picture would certainly be nice, but there are fathers that DON'T want to deal with a child with problems; and 3) there are few places for this mom to turn to for help, and, yeah, having her son arrested might have to be the path she takes one day.
I have a 13 year old son with autism; he is not as impacted with this disorder as some - mostly has a problem making friends and being too blunt with comments - he has no filters. He is extremely bright and stubborn, which in my household, can be a problem with two parents equally stubborn. He can get into "moods" where he can be extremely defiant - mostly concerning his homework and how to do it despite/according to teacher's direction. In that case, I can leave him to stew for a time and come back and try to change tactics or let him do as he pleases as long as he understands the impact it'll have on his grade.
It's a learning experience having one of these kids, and people should not judge based upon their experiences with typical kids. It ain't the same thing!
I'm also the mother of a mentally ill child. The things we have been through to try to get help for her are too many to even go into. She was taken from her school without notifying me or permission by her guidance counselor and her principal to a mental health facility where a suicide risk evaluation was done. This was done because she wrote on herself, of course the true reason was they were trying to have her put away and knew I would never agree. Our schools are in a horrible state of decline, even for children not facing such issues. But the ones that are simply find they're not wanted to even be allowed in the school.
I hope President Obama reads this article. I happened to read one incredible cruddy comment from some person who doesn't know the first thing about your child and who has supposed from their outside view that you are a terrible parent. What? That your child doesn't even have a mental illness. Huh? Wow. To that commenter: Stay out of it, this isn't even a topic you're obviously interested in partaking in, you are ignorant. To the blog owner and writer: My thoughts and prayers are with your family. And I really do hope our President will read this article, you ring true on so many levels. We need a plan.
Ma'am,
I work with children like Michael. I am a program Advocate for boys ages 8-14 in a group home setting. We are a last resort for parents who are facing the same questions you are. Where do you send a child that is violent at 8 years old? Every child in our care has been diagnosed with a mental illness. Many also face educational dificulties. I would like to tell you that every story is a happy one, that we are able to help every child. Unfortunately that is not the case. We are a bandaid for a much bigger problem. The mental health system is flawed. That being said, we have had some successes. Children that are able to return home, with new skills for coping with distress. I have no illusions that these children will be "normal" however I have hope that they will be able to deal with life in a way that is profuctive. You are right. The time is ripe to discuss the challenges our mentally ill face. Until we focus on them and what thy need, there will never be a solution.
I totally disagree. A mother of this kind of child works TEN times as hard as the average parent for a fraction of the outcome. You belittle how hard it is to raise a child like this, and want to put the blame on your parents. BPD is notorious for not taking responsibility for THEIR actions, so I'm afraid I can't agree with this version of life at all.
"....behavior started getting out of control around the age of three - unpredictable, never knowing what thing was going to set him off into a rage of hurting himself and others..."
Unpredictable? Get a notebook. Write down EVERY SINGLE THING he eats in detail (down to the ingredients) and what time it is when he eats it. Write down his mood, behavior, attitude, etc....in detail....and also what time it occurs.
A pattern (sometimes patternS) WILL emerge. You can then predict it, control it, PREVENT it.
It is so much more common than commenters here would have you believe. 80-90% of the case examples cited here will fall into this category. I've seen it work HUNDREDS of times. I've lived it.
You've got nothing to lose....other than a cure.
It seems to me that there are enough of you out there that you should form a national support group to lift each other up and to share information about treatments, push for better understanding....
Thank you, for your honesty, wisdom and insight into what is the real problem.
I know your heartache, your pain, your fear, your love, your frustration. My son is 16 and I live the same existence and hear the same things and go ignored over and over again from the schools to the counselors to some ministers. I beg for help. I am you, I am all those mothers, and I pray we never live through another tragedy like this, especially at the hands of our own children. My prayers go up to Heaven for you and your son. I pray we one day find the help we are begging for. I will never stop fighting for my child.
Thank you, for your honesty, wisdom and insight into what is the real problem.
I wanted to give you some thoughts from the perspective of someone who was once in a position similar to your two younger boys. I'm the youngest of a family of 4, and my oldest brother (9 years older) was a schizophrenic whose mental illness didn't really surface and take over until he was legally an adult. He still lived with us up until I was 15, when he threatened to kill my mom and kill himself. My parents (who had tried many times to get him help) kicked him out of the house at that point. Eventually when he was 27 and I was 18, he killed himself in September of 2000. A tragic end to my parent's firstborn son.
My mom and I were talking about him yesterday, and she mentioned that my dad still struggles with the decision to kick him out; with the thought that they could have done more. To me, the decision to kick him out was something for which I've always been thankful. For the first time I told my mom that when I found out that my brother had killed himself, I felt terrible, but also a sense of relief that he hadn't killed someone else and ruined some other family's lives - that was my biggest fear at the time. I thanked her for making the awful decision they were forced to make, because I have always known that their decision protected my life. I'm now 30; the father of 7, 3, and 1 year-old boys, and a 5 year-old girl. My parent's decision allowed these kids to exist.
I would imagine that you struggle with what's best for your whole family, as my parents certainly did. Your younger sons may not yet know what they think of the situation, but having been through something similar I want to encourage you that you made the correct-but-gutting decision for those boys. I wish you the best and thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you, for your honesty, wisdom and insight into what is the real problem.
"....can provide the list of what Ben will eat and what he will not eat. (What he will eat is very limited.)"
That is a HALLMARK SIGN of food allergy, which often manifests itself in a broad spectrum of "mental disorders." That is why so many have a "string" of diagnoses....no one can agree which one is correct, because none of them are. All they are doing is assigning a name that DESCRIBES THE SYMPTOMS, although each patient may have a very different underlying (but specific for that individual) CAUSE for those symptoms.
Get a notebook. Write down EVERY SINGLE THING he eats in detail (down to the ingredients) and what time it is when he eats it. Write down his mood, behavior, attitude, etc....in detail....and also what time it occurs.
A pattern (sometimes patternS) WILL emerge. You can then predict it, control it, PREVENT it.
It is so much more common than commenters here would have you believe. 80-90% of the case examples cited here will fall into this category. I've seen it work HUNDREDS of times. I've lived it.
You've got nothing to lose....other than a cure.
I know this story. I would be interested in connecting with you.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability with sharing your story. I am an occupational therapist and your description of your son is a spitting image of many of my clients with Sensory Processing Disorder: intelligent/talented, erratic emotionality/aggression, unpredictable behaviors... Their psychological health is significantly impacted by these sensory processing issues and they have not had lasting success with psych treatment (meds, inpatient, counseling) until these underlying sensory issues are addressed. Sensory integration treatment can permanently change how the brain/nervous system processes sensory input and consequently change the behavioral-emotional regulation (and self-esteem). I hope you find this info helpful. Thanks again for sharing and take care.
To all the parents struggling with children exhibiting behaviors associated with mental illness. Please read my friend's book, Rethinking Madness by Paris Williams PhD. It's time to start helping, them rather than drugging them into a sedated state they will maintain for life.
http://rethinkingmadness.com/
I hope society changes some of it's views and starts to support those of you who need it.
I could have written this story.. I have been there.. My son started at the age of 8. Wasn't my lack of parenting or discipline. Who knows what the problem was. We have had every diagnosis known to man and tried every drug out there. I heard the whole "you need to have him arrested for anything to happen" and I did. He spent time in YDC. He spent time in a Residential Treatment Center. He spent time in a Outdoor wilderness camp.. He spent numerous occasions in different metal health facilities. I have been bitten, hit, scream at, told how much I was hated and everything else under the sun.. I have prayed, I have cried.. I have felt like nothing was going to work.
When my son turned 18 he decided to break into some houses. Spent 6 months in the County Jail and 9 months in a Probation Detention Center. Things are better now. But I still jump every time the phone rings. I will always wander what will happen next. It is always in the back of mind what will he do.. But all I can do is pray. And have faith.. Faith that God will look over child and help him to make the right choices.. Because until he is willing to work with mental health to resolve the problem he says isn't there, that is all I can do...
Excuse me? Do YOU have a child with challenging behaviors or a mental illness? Do you work with any children or adults for that matter, to this degree? I realize it's very easy to be judgmental and small-minded from your little computer and your little made-up screen name, but until you've lived in this mother's shoes you have a lot of pathetic, uneducated nerve to call someone stupid for simply trying to get the word out about an increasingly troubling problem. Some kids need meds, some don't. What works for some families may not work for others. Maybe the platform on which this author is writing doesn't agree with you, but please find a more mature and helpful way to express that. Calling someone stupid and offering no real suggestions for the issues they face is not only unhelpful, it just adds to the very problems of intolerance and lack of acceptance that we need to improve today.
Thank you for sharing your story. I don't imagine for a second that you haven't examined your own role in what's going on with your son. That's what caring parents do and clearly you care. My stepbrother behaved similarly when he was in his teens and did attempt to harm his mother on several occasions. He would have been successful if my father wasn't there to hold him off. Luckily, his mother recognized that she played a role in these sudden mood swings and that she was ill equipped to deal with the severity of her son's problems on her own. He agreed to and was put into a foster care program that specialized in behavioral problems. She too sought counseling. After two years he returned to the house a happier and more functional teenager. He's now well into his 30s, happy, has a great relationship with his mom, and is medication free.
I feel your pain more than you know. I am Adam Lanza's mother too - my 8 year old daughter is the same as your son and I am so confused as to what to do... it seems her school, her psychiatrist and myself have very little answers. I could have written that post word for word. May God Bless you and "Michael"
This is just one video, containing several "before and afters" once the offending food substance was identified:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50LSHIphccQ
Food allergies can cause symptoms of autism, ADHD, aggression, sociopathic (and even psychopathic) behavior, rages, violent attacks, communication difficulties, learning "disabilities," etc.
Anyone reading this who has...or knows someone who has...been "diagnosed" with mental health issues should investigate this possibility. Chances are very good that you don't need meds to feel good and live a normal life.
Thank you so much for putting this out there! I'm struggling with my son who is only four and showing signs of extreme rage with very little triggers. I've had to research and research to find him help and wait months for appointments. It should be easier for those of us who need the help. This is an issue that screams to be brought to light.
7328we need a revolution in how we treat mental illness, most mental illnesses are often linked to altered immune functioning, toxicity, alleries, etc. There are thousands of studies like the following for you to start with. Low vitamin D serum levels, gluten and casein intolerance, highly imbalanced coper to zinc levels (way too much copper not enough zinc. The problem is automatically drugging wiht pharmacueticals by docotrs who have never run any medical testing to find out imbalances with these kids. As well as having them on drugs that cause these behaviors to worsen and destroy their ability to produce serotonin. Food dyes are known from many studies but one undeniable 30 year british study to be linked to severe aggression, add, adhd, etc. They've banned many of these dyes there but in America we leave them in almost everything you purchase off the shelf.I'm sure most docotor's have never approched you about these possiblities and that many treatments can help especially wiht the agression that's because they view mental illness as brain only even though most studies for decades have been showing it's a medical whole system immune dyfunction for varying reasons that effect the brain. I would immediately put him on a gluten/casein/food dye free diet, Have b12, possibly endotoxemia, serum vitamin d levels, thyroid functioning, parasite testing, coper to zinc ratios, etc as well as to check for absence seiures with brain mapping and eegs to find out what is the right treatment plan for your individual child. good luck, here is just one link to one recent study on serum d levels. many many others are available online regarding the other stuff I mentioned.
http://www.ima.org.il/imaj/ar12feb-04.pdf
Thank you so much for putting this out there! I'm struggling with my son who is only four and showing signs of extreme rage with very little triggers. I've had to research and research to find him help and wait months for appointments. It should be easier for those of us who need the help. This is an issue that screams to be brought to light.
Thank you. Posted on FB and have many people thanking ME. The solution to this horrible problem involves so many shades of gray that the average person, with his or her gnat-like attention span loses interest and goes straight to the black and white solution, trampling the rights of one or more groups of our fellow citizens on the way. Stay strong.
7328we need a revolution in how we treat mental illness, most mental illnesses are often linked to altered immune functioning, toxicity, alleries, etc. There are thousands of studies like the following for you to start with. Low vitamin D serum levels, gluten and casein intolerance, highly imbalanced coper to zinc levels (way too much copper not enough zinc. The problem is automatically drugging wiht pharmacueticals by docotrs who have never run any medical testing to find out imbalances with these kids. As well as having them on drugs that cause these behaviors to worsen and destroy their ability to produce serotonin. Food dyes are known from many studies but one undeniable 30 year british study to be linked to severe aggression, add, adhd, etc. They've banned many of these dyes there but in America we leave them in almost everything you purchase off the shelf.I'm sure most docotor's have never approched you about these possiblities and that many treatments can help especially wiht the agression that's because they view mental illness as brain only even though most studies for decades have been showing it's a medical whole system immune dyfunction for varying reasons that effect the brain. I would immediately put him on a gluten/casein/food dye free diet, Have b12, possibly endotoxemia, serum vitamin d levels, thyroid functioning, parasite testing, coper to zinc ratios, etc as well as to check for absence seiures with brain mapping and eegs to find out what is the right treatment plan for your individual child. good luck, here is just one link to one recent study on serum d levels. many many others are available online regarding the other stuff I mentioned.
http://www.ima.org.il/imaj/ar12feb-04.pdf
Hello,
This essay has moved me very deeply. I just wanted to say that you are brave, strong and wise. I'm sorry for the pain that your family (all of you) feel.
When I began reading your words, I saw a little bit of myself in your son. A small bit, to be truthful, but a bit nonetheless.
Friday's events made me even more steadfast in my belief that gun control needs to be addressed and aggressively. However, reading your essay gave me a bit more perspective as well.
I'm not really sure what it is that I'm trying to say, except that I felt that I needed to thank you for this essay. I believe it will make a difference in the world. I know that it changed me.
Thank you.
7328we need a revolution in how we treat mental illness, most mental illnesses are often linked to altered immune functioning, toxicity, alleries, etc. There are thousands of studies like the following for you to start with. Low vitamin D serum levels, gluten and casein intolerance, highly imbalanced coper to zinc levels (way too much copper not enough zinc. The problem is automatically drugging wiht pharmacueticals by docotrs who have never run any medical testing to find out imbalances with these kids. As well as having them on drugs that cause these behaviors to worsen and destroy their ability to produce serotonin. Food dyes are known from many studies but one undeniable 30 year british study to be linked to severe aggression, add, adhd, etc. They've banned many of these dyes there but in America we leave them in almost everything you purchase off the shelf.I'm sure most docotor's have never approched you about these possiblities and that many treatments can help especially wiht the agression that's because they view mental illness as brain only even though most studies for decades have been showing it's a medical whole system immune dyfunction for varying reasons that effect the brain. I would immediately put him on a gluten/casein/food dye free diet, Have b12, possibly endotoxemia, serum vitamin d levels, thyroid functioning, parasite testing, coper to zinc ratios, etc as well as to check for absence seiures with brain mapping and eegs to find out what is the right treatment plan for your individual child. good luck, here is just one link to one recent study on serum d levels. many many others are available online regarding the other stuff I mentioned.
http://www.ima.org.il/imaj/ar12feb-04.pdf
Thanks for sharing your story. I wish you all the luck and strength to go through all this and that your son will be diagnosed and get a treatment. Btw. was he ever checked for Chorea Huntington? The age is a bit unusual, most people get it seriously in their 30s, but some younger. They have those fits of uncontrolled agression, too. They go along with increasingly spastic movements.
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